Family Guy s23e15 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[NEWS ANCHOR] So, thanks
to AI, here's a picture
of what JonBenet Ramsey would
look like in a bikini today.
Wowza.
But first, would you like to
spend the rest of your life alone?
Would you like your last meal
to be a handful of red dirt?
Well, a local firm here in Quahog
is now accepting applications
to take a one-direction trip to Mars.
- Huh?
- "One direction,"
as in, you stay there forever,
- not as in the band.
- [GROANS]
The mission is being supported
by the Quahog Engineering
and Scientific Organization,
or QuESO.
- Que?
- That's QuESO,
the organization, not
the Mexican cheese dip.
[GROANS]
Mom. Guess what?
No, Meg.
I got us two tickets to laser Dua Lipa.
All of Dua Lipa's hits
synced up to a bunch of
red and green laser doodles.
It's three hours.
We'll be stone-cold sober,
and it's in the middle of the day.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie,
but I'm busy that day.
I haven't said what day it is yet.
Weekends are just really
tough for me right now.
It's on a Tuesday.
Oh, yeah, you know what?
Tuesdays are just
impossible. Wednesdays too.
And then, Thursday through Monday,
I'm pretty much just
prepping for Tuesday.
I'm sorry, honey. Maybe next time.
And the cast of Suits, then and now.
Ah, look at that.
Yeah. Slight difference.
What's your cheapest
morning-after pill?
It's called Plan C.
[CHUCKLES] Nice. I get it.
Let me get that gift-wrapped.
Whoa! Who is this tall drink of water?
I, uh I like your horn.
Is that okay to say?
Oh, well, thank you.
I do try to moisturize.
- Come on, Stewie, let's
- Brian.
Leave the aisle and then come back
and ask for my autograph.
So, what part of Q-town are you from?
Oh, very hip. Right by
that Thai fusion speakeasy
that used to be a needle exchange.
- I love it over there.
- Uh, excuse me, sir.
- May I have your auto
- Not now.
I'm in a conversation.
Wait for me outside.
Wait. No way.
Both of you guys are dryer safe?
Guys, are you feeling this?
Rupert, I just knew you two would vibe
the way we vibed at the drugstore.
And that never happens to me.
Guys. Is this
Are we a a throuple?
Oh, hey, Brian, you remember
Made In from the pharmacy.
- Made In?
- Yeah. See?
Yeah, I don't think that's a name.
I think that's just the words "made in"
with a sticker over the word "China."
Well, that's the name.
And they, that's right,
"they" are living
with me and Rupert now.
Great, Stewie. Have fun with your toys.
I'm gonna go binge-surf
Hinge in a dark room.
Don't listen to him. He
doesn't accept you, Made In.
I accept you.
No, we accept you.
All right, who wants
to get throup'd first?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, hey, Meg.
- Hey, Mr. Quagmire.
So there's this Dua Lipa show.
- Oh, uh, no.
- I've got two tickets,
and I was wondering if
- No.
- you would want to go with me.
- It's this synchronized light show.
- Stop asking.
- Honestly, it's high-tech.
- I can't think of anything worse.
- You get to socialize
- Read my body language.
- with other fans at intermission.
- Hear what I'm saying.
- Meg. Meg. Meg.
- What do you say?
Look me in the eye. The answer is no.
But you always say "no"
is just a spicy "yes."
[GLENN] Stop telling people I said that!
- You want to go with me?
- Meg, no.
- It's this synchronized light show.
- Stop asking.
- It's high-tech.
- I can't think of anything worse.
- You get to socialize
- Read my body language.
- with other fans at intermission.
- Hear what I'm saying.
- What do you say?
- Look me in the eye. The answer is no.
But you always say "no"
is just a spicy "yes."
[HERBERT] Stop telling
people I said that!
[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Dua Lipa's outline.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Unfortunately, due
to a technical glitch,
or an Eric, as we're
calling them around here,
we're unable to play the music,
and will instead be playing
the audio book of The Joy Luck Club,
as read by Howard Stern.
[HOWARD] "Part One:
"Feathers from a Thousand Li Away."
God, this is so hot.
I'm telling you, I go nuts
for these Chinese babes.
Mom? What are you doing here?
I thought you were busy.
I'm sorry. There was a Groupon.
The moment it was $4 cheaper,
I was powerless to say no.
[SOBBING]
"And she saw how
quickly their eyes moved
"when she told them her
idea for the Joy Luck Club."
Hey, she said the name
of the thing in the thing.
I love that.
[SOBBING]
[PENSIVE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING,
DAVID BOWIE "LIFE ON MARS"]
It's a god-awful small affair ♪
To the girl with the mousy hair ♪
But her mummy is yelling "No" ♪
And her daddy has told her to go ♪
Take a look at the lawman
beating up the wrong guy ♪
Oh, man Wonder if he'll ever know ♪
He's in the best-selling show ♪
[SINGING OFF-KEY] Is
there life on Mars? ♪
[CAR ALARMS BLARING]
Shut up, Meg.
But, Meg, why on earth
would you want to go to Mars?
I made up my mind, and
this is what I want.
You know what, Meg? You're right.
This will be good for you.
And if you're chosen, we'll miss you,
but you'll have our support.
Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.
I appreciate that.
[CHUCKLES] You see
what I did there, Peter?
That is some next-level
jujitsu parenting right there.
Oh, yeah, I get what you're going for.
Get rid of Meg, get some hot
exchange student from Sweden.
Me and her, we flirt a
little, we get something going.
And then one thing leads to another.
I cross a line, next thing you know,
we're all walking on eggshells.
Her dad calls from Sweden,
I can't understand a word he's saying.
He's either really happy or really mad.
No, Peter, listen.
Meg's just rebelling for attention.
I used to do the same thing.
I once felt Ted Turner over the pants
- right in front of my dad.
- Very relatable.
But what I learned about parenting
from the the jacket
of a book I didn't buy
is that when your child rebels,
you can't push back
or they'll double down.
You just stay supportive,
let them learn their own lessons,
and they'll come crawling
back to you in the end.
How is that different than what I said?
Plus, every lonely incel in the country
is applying to this thing.
She'll never be chosen.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[YAWNING]
How could you possibly have
any energy this morning?
You're right. Time to
greet this glorious day.
First, we'll grab
avocado toast at Simone's
and then leisurely flip
through the West Elm catalog
and circle everything we hate.
[SNIFFS, EXHALES]
What do you say?
Shall we take our
breakfast on the balcony?
When you're in a throuple,
whatever house you're in
automatically grows a Juliet balcony
to lean against in your robe and boxers
with a hot flavored
coffee and just sigh.
Ahh!
Welcome, recruits.
My name is Sergeant Bensinger, retired.
I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune
and am now financially independent.
To start things off, I'm
gonna say this one more time.
This is about a
one-direction trip to Mars
and not about the pop
band One Direction.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
[MAN] Come on, man!
Now then, this will be
a cutthroat, exhaustive
and highly competitive
selection process.
We're not just looking for the best
or the best of the best.
We're looking for the best
of the best of the best.
Of the best.
Ah, crud!
If only he'd stopped
at the previous "best."
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, trainees.
It's very important to
have a cool thing to say
the minute you set foot on Mars.
Meg, we'll start with you.
[NASALLY] Did I do that?
Not bad.
We would also have accepted, "Whassup?"
Okay, trainees, as you may remember
from the movie The Right Stuff,
we'll need to collect a
semen sample from each of you.
- But I
- No exceptions.
Figure it out.
Well, somehow, you did it.
Everyone come back tomorrow,
you start the real training
with the real guy. Bye!
The Martian environment is completely
cold, harsh and inhospitable.
To train you to survive,
we found a similar environment.
An abandoned Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Anyway, as long as we're here,
feel free to just
take whatever you want.
I don't really want anything.
That was kind of the whole problem.
Since there's no Wi-Fi on Mars,
we're gonna send you up there with a VCR
and you get to choose one tape.
Ah, yes.
Sidney Poitier and Tom Berenger
in Shoot to Kill.
A crackling tale of survival
in the Pacific Northwest.
One man out for the law,
one man out for revenge.
Letterboxed? Please.
I'm a pan-and-scan gal.
Arthur Penn's Target.
Starring Matt Dillon and
a career-best Gene Hackman.
The game of espionage is
played by a strict code.
But that code has been broken.
Running time, 117 minutes.
This has tape two of Titanic in it.
Oh, sorry about that.
Someone must have pulled an Eric.
Learn to love again with
Under the Tuscan Sun,
featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh
at the tippy-top of her game.
When life gives divorcee Frances lemons,
she's off to Italy to make
a Tuscan villa lemonade.
Rated PG-13 for sensual
kissing and partial nudity.
Can't I just bring my
laptop up there with me?
No!
Because then, I wouldn't
have a job, stupid.
You know what? Give me the tape back.
You don't get a tape.
Ooh, look at that one.
Well, I know it's small,
but this is Provincetown
on a July 4th weekend, Made In.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Hey, Stewie, you want to get lunch?
Give us a few minutes to
washcloth our parts, Brian.
- We had a long night.
- Whatever.
[GASPS]
[GASPS] Oh, God! I can't breathe.
[GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
This is fine. This is okay.
As long as the throuple
balcony is strong,
the throuple is strong.
Other deviant sex groups get these too.
This is my one-ple balcony.
You know, you really showed
us by signing up for this, Meg.
And no matter what
happens, just remember.
You've definitely proved your point.
You see that?
Yeah. That microphone's
totally unguarded.
I'm gonna do my Michelle
Obama impression.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for joining us today.
Eh, I'll do it at intermission.
We have decided who is going to Mars.
You are all worthy candidates.
But just like the box for
Thorn EMI Screen Entertainment's
Highlander says,
"There can be only one."
And the winner is
Seamus!
[EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY]
Well, honey, I'm glad you
got this out of your system.
And to think I never pushed back once.
Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?
Poet laureate Robert Pinsky once said,
"When I had no roof, I
made audacity my roof."
It is truly an honor.
Whoa! Wait a minute.
Are those your arms and legs?
Oh, man!
I guess I wasn't
really paying attention.
The winner is Meg!
- [GASPS]
- She won?
Mom, I did it. I'm going to Mars.
Barack hasn't satisfied me in years.
That's your impression?
It's less a voice and
more It's like an attitude.
Meg, you can't go to Mars.
You can't talk me out
of this, Mom. I'm going.
Well, as your parents, we
forbid it. Right, Peter?
Lois, kids go to Mars.
That's what they do.
Hey, Meg, congrats on this
Mars thing. Great stuff.
Hey, listen, if I give you this bone,
could you maybe bury it for me up there?
That would Yeah.
That would just be huge for me.
Oh, honey, you've still got
your whole life ahead of you.
I'm a hero now, Mom. I have a purpose.
When that rocket takes off next week,
I'm gonna be on it.
Well, if Meg can go to Mars,
can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
Still no, Chris.
I'm going to kill myself!
[SOBBING]
We're good parents.
Look, we all understood
that there would be some
bumps along the way, right?
When you're in a
three-way relationship,
there will inevitably be times
where two sides gravitate
towards each other.
Right now, it's Rupert and Made In.
Eventually, it'll be Stewie and Made In.
And then Rupert, you're gonna feel like
the lonely left out piece
of [BLEEP] no one wants.
Well, cheers, everyone.
Oh. Why are you laughing?
I don't get it.
Oh, it's an inside joke.
Oh. You two have a an inside joke.
Well, I know a million jokes too.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Ha-ha! Right? Inside joke.
Now, everybody agree? [LAUGHS]
I'm sexually desirable too.
[ALL MURMURING IN ADMIRATION]
Wow, there she is.
It's the girl who's going to Mars.
I saw her in the parking lot,
but I could get excited again.
Meg, will you please join
us in the women's bathroom?
In honor of your sacrifice,
we hereby rename this stall
the Meg Griffin Memorial
Handicap Bathroom Stall.
This is literally what I've
asked Santa for my entire life.
Ew! What?
[ALL CHEERING]
I was trapped in by the ribbon.
Yeah, it's always
something with you guys.
Hey, Brian, I got something for you.
What? I thought you liked that thing.
It turns out we had some
irreconcilable differences.
See, I'm a Taurus,
and they're a home-wrecking slut.
Stewie, I have absolutely
zero interest in your $6 toy.
[SQUEAKS]
Hey there, Rupert. Hey, you know what?
Let's have our lunch by the window.
There's something I'd like you to see.
- [GROWLING]
- [SQUEAKING]
You see?
You did this, Rupert. You did.
You humiliated me, and
this is what happens.
You do not play games with me.
[GROWLING]
But, to be clear, I'm
still a free spirit.
Super chill, super open,
super down for whatever.
Hey, Meg? We're all gonna miss you.
And if you could pour this bag of urine
on top of wherever
you bury Brian's bone,
that'd be huge for me.
I'm really gonna miss you too, Meg.
- Really?
- Well, yeah.
Worrying about the sound my
headboard makes against the wall
is a big part of it for me.
I'll miss that tension.
It's part of my scenario.
That's really sweet, Chris.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow.
Now, I'm actually feeling
kind of sad to leave you guys.
Yeah. Too bad you can't back out now.
You'd be widely hated,
and deservedly so.
[ALL CHEERING]
Tom Tucker, live here from Cape Quahog,
where local resident Meg Griffin
is about to become the first
person ever to go to Mars.
Truly, a historic moment,
which we will now celebrate
with a small but affordable clip
of Europe's The Final Countdown.
["THE FINAL
COUNTDOWN" STARTS PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Meg's only companion for the flight
will be a year's supply of food.
And because she's a woman,
her pillow from home.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God. She doesn't want to go.
We gotta call off the launch.
Prepare launch sequence.
Wait! Stop!
No.
No? But
But that's my daughter in there.
Yeah. We can't just stop
every time a mom bursts in here.
You think Neil Armstrong's mom
didn't burst in and say, "Wait, stop"?
They always say "Wait, stop!"
Initiate countdown.
[ALARM BLARING]
And it looks like it's time
for the cryptcoin.com countdown.
[READING NUMBERS]
And now, it is no longer
the cryptcoin.com countdown.
Anyway. Ten, nine
Oh, man.
I hope I'm making the right decision.
What am I talking about? Of course I am.
Mom didn't even bother to see me off,
much less say, "Wait, stop!"
like Neil Armstrong's mom.
- [THUMP]
- [LOIS] Wait! Stop!
Mom?
Nobody shoots my baby into space!
Mom, what are you doing?
This is super dangerous.
Oh, don't worry, Meg.
They'll never shoot off a rocket
with a woman holding on to the
Oh [BLEEP]
[TOM] And we have liftoff.
[LOIS SCREAMING]
Oh, my God! Is that Lois?
Mom's gone. Dad, can I
go to the Pornhub Awards?
Yeah, sure, Stewie.
[CHEERING]
[SCREAMING]
Just hold on.
Channel Tom Cruise at
his most mentally ill.
Why are we turning?
[SIREN BLARING]
Mom, we're going down!
Oh, God, oh, God! I can't die like this.
I never finished The Wire.
I never started The Wire.
[RAPID BEEPING]
[TOM] And here it comes,
the horrifying crash we
were all secretly hoping for.
[SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
[ALL GASP]
Oh, my God!
She's got the car keys.
I'm sorry you won't get to go to Mars.
Well, I'm just glad we got
lucky and the rocket crashed.
[BENSINGER ON MEGAPHONE] Luck
had nothing to do with it.
Hey, we're saved.
It was the mom that caused the crash.
You can't suddenly add 145 pounds
to a carefully calibrated
propulsion system.
A hundred forty-five? No!
I'm only 128.
No, we tested 128. We could handle 128.
One twenty-eight and the
rocket's in space right now.
Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on.
But I'd know if I was 145.
Oh, I wonder who I believe more.
A mom with no job or six nerds from MIT.
Hmm.
I think I'll go with the nerds.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] So funny.
So good. Okay. Okay.
Anyway, get in this basket.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
See? That's exactly what
we were talking about.
One twenty-eight and
we're back on dry land.
[LOIS] But maybe it's because
I have stuff in my pocket.
It's definitely not the stuff.
We'll go get the livestock crate.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]