Family Guy s23e16 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
He's a family guy! ♪
[STEWIE] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
[HUMMING THE PRICE IS RIGHT THEME]
You're the next contestant
on The Price is Right!
[THE PRICE IS RIGH
THEME PLAYING ON TV]
Turn that show off.
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
You got a problem with Right?
First of all, nobody calls it that.
Second of all, yes, I have a
problem with The Price is Right.
For 35 years, the host of that show
told everyone to cut our marbles off.
"Barker" my ass.
C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,
and he bought the writers
lunch during the strike,
so we're not gonna tell
jokes about him, per se.
- We're not gonna talk about his weight?
- Nope.
How about that he seems constitutionally
unable to open his eyes fully?
That, too, is off limits.
So, then we won't say that he looks like
SNL motivational speaker Matt Foley
who started Ozempic and then gave up?
Nope. Not on this program.
[ANNOUNCER] The Price is
Right is coming to New York!
Visit our website for more information
on how to be a contestant.
Brian, did you hear that?
Let's go!
What? No way.
C'mon, we could be
there and back in a day!
[SIGHS] I didn't ask you
because you said you hate New York.
His mom's got Covid, so
he's a little on edge.
Oh, it's like the most mild case.
Anyway, New York!
Since the beer's expired,
I need you to sign this waiver
saying that if anything
happens, it's not my fault.
I'm just gonna write "Peter."
I don't know how to do a autograph yet.
Oh, man, this is awesome!
We're gonna get so trashed tonight!
Yeah, let's rip it up!
Ah, nothin' hits the spot like a warm
dust-covered can of beer.
All right, Cleveland, you can do it.
You can tell them that
you promised your wife
you're not drinking this month.
They're your friends, and
they'll respect your decision
to honor a marital request.
And if not,
you're a grown man and don't
need their approval anyway.
- Beer?
- Hell yeah!
Hard alcohol was the
main problem, anyway.
You'll at least take
a month off from that.
- Shots?
- I'm down!
What are you wearing that for?
Ups my chances of getting on the stage.
They love military people.
Thank you so much for your service.
Oh, yeah, you bet.
- Semper fi.
- Oh, okay.
Look at all these slobs
trying to get free crap.
I don't feel bad for
tricking those people.
They can get on another show,
like Very Greased Wheel of Fortune.
All right, David, you're up.
[CLAPPING]
Keep clapping!
[PHONE VIBRATING]
He hello?
Non-stop Providence to Charlotte?
[GROANS]
Yeah, tell traffic
control I'll be there.
Hey, can you send a car? I
I don't think I can drive.
[GROANS]
God, I must've passed out.
Hey, you've got some kind
of drawing on your face.
Is it a dong?
Quagmire always frickin' dongs me.
No, it's like a hand
twirling a fancy mustache
Wait, don't rub that off!
Peter, I think that might be a Banksy!
- A what?
- A Banksy!
He's this world-famous artist
that keeps his identity a secret.
Why would he do that?
'Cause, you know how whenever you see
a famous modern artist
walking down the street,
you're like, "Hey, there's
that famous modern artist,
and I got all types of
inquiries about modern art."
Banksy's just a regular guy.
His wife puts his pants
on one leg at a time,
just like you and me.
Well, I better get home,
wash this thing off my face.
Don't wash it off!
It's probably worth a lot of money.
[DONNA] Cleveland Brown, you
get your butt home right now!
Donna, I I think
somebody spiked my O'Doul's!
[ALL CHEERING]
I can't believe we're actually here!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Hey hey, what do you
think the caption should be?
"So this happened,"
or "Scorchin' it!"?
Yeah, "Scorchin' it!"
is kinda Joe's thing.
That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
Like I sit around and try to copy Joe.
You got "Rip it up" from Joe.
I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.
Is he a gigantic influence on me?
Do I love Joe?
God, look at all these shrieking idiots.
How empty are their lives if
this gets them that excited?
[ANNOUNCER] Our next contestant
on The Price is Right is
Brian Griffin.
Come on down!
Aah! It's me it's me!
What the hell! I served
in Iraq or or whatever.
That's me! They called my name!
Zoomies!
Joke's on him, he won't
know any of this stuff.
Okay, welcome up, Brian.
George, tell us about
our next item up for bids.
It's a brand-new day bed
for the modern writer dog!
Cut his marbles off, Drew!
Mary, why don't you get us started?
Uh, I've never heard of such
a thing. I don't know, um,
- $6,000?
- [BELL DINGS]
I, too, have never
heard of such a thing.
- $12?
- [BELL DINGS]
- $6,001.
- [BELL DINGS]
- $289.99, Drew.
- [BELL DINGS]
Actual retail price
$289.99.
Brian, you're the winner!
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CROWD CLAPPING]
An exact bid!
Brian's a legend!
Oh, I'm back on board!
That means, Brian, you'll be
in today's "Showcase Showdown."
[CROWD CHEERING]
And jealous Stewie is back.
Is it weird watching this show
while you're not
ironing, you wretched hag?
Sorry, I'm I'm mad
about something else.
Brian, the actual retail
price of your showcase is
$29,232.
That means, Brian Griffin,
you've won today's "Showcase Showdown"!
I won a boat!
Congratulations, Brian.
Anyone you want to say hi to out there?
There sure is. I wanna say
hi to my best bud, Stewie.
Aww.
Stewie Grimaldi.
What?
Hey, Ma, Brian just mentioned me!
[MOTHER] What's he
wanna mention you for?
Ma!
Look at this guy!
Scorchin' it!
She's a beaut, Brian. What kinda
fuel you puttin' in this puppy?
Um boat fuel?
Yup, that's just about my
knowledge of boats, too.
Got a lot of great memories on boats.
Would you like to hear
about each one, Brian?
Oh, you know, I would, but,
I it's just, I got
I got a lot of boat stuff I gotta do.
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Sure, sure, yeah, I bet.
[KNOCKING]
Cleaning lady's at the house,
and I'm not sure what to do.
That should have been my boat.
[SIGHS] Fine, Rupert.
I feel that should've been my boat.
See, I can weaponize therapy, too.
Good evening. Our top story,
attractive field reporter
returns from maternity leave.
Let's see if she snapped back.
Thanks, Tom. Tensions rise
on the Senate floor, as
Not bad.
Not great, but not bad.
In other news, Quahog
resident Peter Griffin
awoke to find an original
Banksy drawn onto his face.
The artist shared a photo of the
piece on his Instagram this morning,
claiming authorship.
What was your reaction when
you found out it was a Banksy?
Well, in my day, graffiti wasn't
street art, it was a crime.
And these lawless thugs
This isn't the Fox News interview.
Oh, well, then I thought it was neat.
Art is important and I like pictures.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Peter Griffin?
- Yeah?
I'm the curator for
the Quahog Urban Museum.
Oh, I love the QUM!
Thank you, we always enjoy hearing that.
Listen, it's not often that a
museum gets to display a Banksy.
We'd love for you to come
be an exhibit at the museum.
Wow, me?
At a museum?
Free lunches? Tons of chicks?
An assistant to fetch the
lunches and bring the chick tons?
We'll be in touch with
all the details. Good day.
Why didn't you introduce us to him?
Chris, bite your strap!
[GROWLING]
Peter, are you sure about
this museum business?
What about your job?
I know this is hard, Lois,
but this is what we've always
talked about since this morning.
- But Peter
- Look, Lois,
I'm never gonna be
able to say this right.
But you know who will?
Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.
Lois, let me tell you somethin'.
I am clearly the worst first half coach
in the history of high-school football,
and that enables me to make
halftime speeches like this.
Now, Lois,
this ain't just about football.
Peter's not the brightest,
and he ain't the best lookin'.
Heck, I don't even know how he
gets his shoes on in the morning.
But a guy drew on his face,
and that means somethin'.
Now let's get out there and
show this tiny Texas town
what big-city modern art is all about!
Let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[PLAYERS CHEERING]
Gentlemen, you are all here because
you want to get your boat license.
By the end of this course,
you will be able to take a sip
from a Bud Light can with one hand
and push a lever forward with the other.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Between the can and the lever,
how are we supposed
to smoke a cigarette?
Sir, it's a three-hour course.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Now, let's do a little role-playing.
Brian, come on up here.
Now, pretend I'm the Coast Guard
and I've just flagged you down.
"Sir, how many drinks
have you had today?"
Uh, I don't know, one or two.
[LAUGHS]
We got a pro here!
You see what Brian did there?
He kept his cool,
avoided eye contact,
and he lied.
Great job, Brian!
Now, let's see here.
I'm assuming you've all had your
mandatory three-way da-da-da.
Tank tops are optional.
Welp, that's it!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Just make sure you all download
Rascal Flatts' greatest hits,
and I will see you out on the water!
Okay.
[SLURPS]
[SIGHS]
Mornin', everyone.
Oh, look at this, the family
all gathered around the galley.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
Anyone happen to catch
the dew point this morning?
It's super-important
that I know that now.
[SIGHS]
A pal of mine up in Gloucester
says they were seeing 3-foot swells.
I'll tell ya, that'll make
you blow your groceries, boy!
[LAUGHS HEARTILY]
[SIGHS]
So, you're diggin' the boat life, huh?
[SIGHS]
You ever gonna get
this thing on the water?
"On the water."
[LAUGHS] I love
I love how you land-walkers
talk about Big Blue.
You know, I've gotta say,
you changed your attitude
pretty quickly about this boat.
- What do you mean?
- You don't remember
knocking The Price is Right
as a consumerist ploy targeting
the idiot minds of America?
Nah, brah, I've just been chillin'.
You are such a hypocrite!
You pretend to have a social conscience,
but in the end, you're just
an opportunistic piece of crap!
Oh, yeah? Would an
opportunistic piece of crap
call his boat this?
Wow! You're totally
just virtue signaling!
You put a pun on the back of a boat
and suddenly you're an
ally to women everywhere?
And what are you doing
for humanity today?
You really are the worst
kind of person, Brian.
Well, except a person you work
with that just had surgery.
[TYPING]
Ah, you looked at it, now
we have to talk about it!
And, of course, the last stop on
the tour is our newest exhibit
the Banksy.
As you can see,
the beauty of the image juxtaposed
against the grotesque body
is representative of the
incoherence of art itself.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Is the Charleston Chew in
his pocket part of the art?
No, he shouldn't have that!
Aw!
All right, guys, no more orgasm
sounds when you see naked paintings.
Let's try to focus on the brush strokes.
Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing!
It's fine, Chris.
A lot of kids your age
have visible panty lines.
No, VPL is part of my ensemble.
I'm talking about my dad!
Dad, do you have to be here?
Can't you go to the
bathroom or something?
Nah, if I gotta go, they
put a black tent over me
like if they gotta shoot a horse.
Is everything all right over here?
- Yeah, I'm just talking to my son.
- Oh!
I thought it was a
big woman from behind.
Excuse me?
Listen, there's been a lot of interest
in the piece from private investors.
I'm Chris, by the way.
Would you ever consider
going up for auction?
How would that even work?
Well, the winner would
have you go and exist
as part of their private collection.
You would be sort of a "living art."
There would be a lot
of money in it for you.
I've seen these things go for millions.
Millions, huh?
Well, with that kind of dough,
I could finally be my own boss!
[TYPING]
Oh, God, the boss is coming.
Hey, Peter.
I see you're wearing
the pants I gave you.
- Yeah.
- Good.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Just so you know, you're
doing all the right things.
Hey, Peter.
I see you're wearing
the pants I gave you.
Good, good, good, good, good.
All right, so what's this all about now?
You called me out,
so now I'm gonna show you
that I'm not just all talk.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying
I'm gonna take the Row V. Wade to Texas
and bring back women who
want to safely have abortions!
Well, that's great, Brian!
Maybe even Popeye will
help us sail down there.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Life begins at conception.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Not a choice, it's a child.
Okay, I guess no Popeye.
Wait a minute, Brian, this is insane!
You really think you're going to rescue
women who want to have abortions?
Well, women or girls.
It is Texas.
All right, I gotta see what
a disaster this becomes.
I'm going with you.
Plus, it's supposed to be 75
today and I could use some color.
So, you just assume this is
going to be a disaster, huh?
How how come you never
root for me to succeed?
Because we're very good friends, Brian.
Now come on, buddy, let's go
see your thing turn to crud.
Peter, you are not gonna auction
yourself off, whatever that means!
Don't you see, Lois? This is it!
Our meal ticket!
Peter, no!
We need a present and attentive
father for Chris, Meg, and Stewie,
who I'm sure is in the
house here somewhere
or at the very least
certainly on dry land.
Look, I'm sure wherever I
go, you guys can come visit.
Maybe even live there!
I will think of you every day
when I'm hanging on the
wall of that probably Arab.
Peter, I
I like our life!
And, frankly, I want to see it go back
to the way it was before
this stupid painting.
"Stupid painting"?
- Ugh, just so sad.
- What?
You've always been
jealous of my success.
What success?
Something happened to you!
And very recently!
I see what's going on.
This is because I had an
emotional affair with my trainer.
Peter, I'm the one who had an
emotional affair with my trainer.
You had a traumatic response
and pretended it was you.
And you'll never forgive
me for it, will you?
All right, time to find us some preggos.
That quote's going on the statue of you.
Pregnant?
Abortion? Need an abortion?
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm offering safe refuge for
anyone who wants an abortion.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God, I thought
you said "Astros suck".
- Yeah, sure, I'll take an abortion!
- Awesome!
Do you know any other pregnant
women who don't want to have a baby?
Oh, sure, lots.
I'll go get 'em.
Great, just meet us here
Ugh, here comes a
sad, oil-covered bird.
Are y'all here for the
Dawn dish soap commercial?
Uh, no.
Oh.
Well, I'll be on my way then.
Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Very small food?
Do you have anything smaller?
I'm very rich.
All right, the next item up for bid
is "A Change Perhaps "
by Banksy.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Hey, why does he have a Charleston Chew?
You said we're not
supposed to have them.
Aw.
Why don't we start the
bidding at one million dollars?
Okay, one million to James Bottomtooth.
[SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]
Oh, I'm sorry, $1.5 million.
I have 1.5, do I hear 2?
Two million?
Two million. Two and a half? 2.5 3.
Three million, going
once, going twice
Sol
[SPLASHES]
[CROWD GASPS]
You're not going anywhere!
If I have to live out this miserable
life, I'm not doing it alone!
It's ruined!
She's ruined the Banksy!
Arrest this woman!
Wait! Banksy just posted
something to his Instagram!
Don't you see!
This is the art! Us!
All of this!
Banksy knew that this would happen?
Yes, he knew this man would abandon
his family for the highest price!
Brilliant! It's a comment on capitalism
as a dividing force in
marital relationships!
I've actually got an
art boner right now.
Only happened one other time.
Really, no follow-up questions?
Art boner story going
once, going twice
Aw, you people are no fun.
Wait, am I still worth anything?
I suppose if someone
wanted to pay for you, yes.
Stop breathing so loud!
I can't hear what NCIS is saying.
I don't think his name is NCIS.
Shut up, art!
I didn't think about what it
would be like to be on the ocean
with 12 pregnant women.
[RETCHING]
Still waiting on my tomato juice!
Right, yes, I'm on it.
I'm very sensitive to smells.
Could you turn that off?
- The the ocean?
- Yeah.
I'll see what I can do.
My Lord, how did they get
pregnant in the first place?
Gimme a sec. I gotta ask Lois to look up
where the abortion
clinics are in Quahog.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- Meg!
Is your mom there? I I
need to ask her something.
No, Dad got sold as a
piece of art to Grandpa,
so she's over there dealing with that.
Oh. Peter got sold as a
piece of art this week.
Okay, so we're definitely the A-story.
Listen, Stewie and I
are on the Row V. Wade,
smuggling pregnant women from Texas
to get abortions in Rhode Island.
Oh!
Brian and Stewie are bringing pregnant
women back from Texas to get abortions.
Oh, then our babysitting business
is definitely the A-story.
Can you look up where all
the abortion clinics are?
Oh, I got you.
There's two or three on Route 6,
one on Westbridge, and
there's one in Smithfield
that has a great Nespresso machine.
You could try the Bargain 'Borts,
but the bathrooms are gross.
Great, thank you, Meg!
Oh, by the way, Brian, you
got a call from the IRS.
Apparently you owe $40,000
in taxes on the boat.
- What?
- Yeah.
Game show prizes have
to be declared as income.
This unknown rule has destroyed
a lot of middle American lives.
Ugh, all right, thanks.
Where the hell am I gonna get $40,000?
You want me to start dancing again, hey?
- Get Stewie back up on the pole?
- What?
No, that would never be a thought
that would enter into my mind.
Coulda said, "Thanks for the offer".
You know, there's a law in Texas
that if you turn in someone
who's trying to get an abortion,
they give you 10 grand.
You're an absolute monster.
- What do we got, 12 of them?
- Yup.
We turn in four, pay the taxes,
boat's ours, and we've
still helped eight women.
Right.
- What?
- I don't know.
Might be nice to have an
extra 10k lying around.
All right, we turn in five, help seven,
still a pretty great thing we did.
So, who do we turn in?
I mean, Gina's been horrible.
Yup, Gina's gone.
You know, Stacy snapped at me when
I asked her to take off her shoes.
- Buh-bye.
- Sarah told me I have a "girl shirt",
so I'd rather never see her again.
Good enough for me.
Wait wait a second. Let's be
clear about what we're doing here.
We're talking about potentially having
taken these women to get abortions
and then turning them in for bounties.
I mean, are we actually the kind of
people who would do something like that?
Leanne "shushed" me.
Well, I gotta say, I'm glad
everything's back to normal.
Yeah, I just wish I closed my
eyes when you threw the paint.
I feel like I'd rather
smell than see anyway.
[SNIFFS]
Chris, go wash your feet.
And I think you and I learned
a valuable lesson this week.
Oh, yeah. Never get a boat.
[BOTH LAUGH]
And and the bounty thing.