Family Guy s23e17 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Hey, Brian, could you read
Stewie his bedtime story tonight?
I'm watching the Hot Ones episode
where the wings fell on the floor.
Jesse Plemons ate one with lint on it!
Hey, when life gives you Plemons
Yes?
And?
I I thought the beginning
was clever enough to carry the day.
Aah!
Would have preferred a claw
retraction on that tuck-in,
but you're new at this.
Okay, tonight I'm going to read you
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
It was my favorite
book when I was a kid.
Pup. Pup means "dog kid."
Fine, since I was a pup.
Correct.
"Mr. and Mrs. Bucket have
a small boy named Charlie,
who, by the way, is trans,
not that it matters.
He/his grandparents
all sleep on the same
cruelty-free mattress
because they are otherwise unhoused."
- What the hell?
- Where's the Chalamet, Bri?
Get to the Chalamet!
The gobstoppers are vegan?
After falling in the chocolate river,
Augustus Gloop apologizes
for doing blackface?
Why did they change all this stuff?
My God, this is the
worst day since 9/11.
Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.
Brian, they just knocked
down the World Trade Centers.
Oh.
Did they also knock down the Petco?
Hey, you guys heard
about this Hamilton thing?
The iconic musical
that's sold out theaters
across the globe? We've heard about it.
It's the Founding Fathers
but they rap.
- [RADIO CHIRPS]
- [MAN] Officer Swanson,
there's an illegal
underage social function on Sycamore
that's violating ordinance 313.
Please respond.
I thought this was your day
off. Why are they calling you?
Tonight's the night my chief
has everyone from the squad
over to his house for dinner.
How come you aren't there?
It's like Designated Survivor.
Of all the cops on the force,
the chief asked me not to come.
That's how critical I am.
That's sad.
I'm sad now.
Sorry, I've got to go handle this.
You guys are welcome
to ride along with me,
- and I can drop you off after.
- Sounds great!
Someone changed this classic kids' book
to make it all woke!
Who would do something like this?
Probably someone who
cares about their children,
add smug smile now.
Lois, did you have
something to do with this?
I sure did.
This was the local chapter of
my bored suburban mom group.
It's called "Mothers
Invested In Literary Fixing."
MILF?
So you're ruining books
just because you and
your weak-minded friends
can't handle reading them
as the authors intended?
Oh, come on, it's just
a few little changes
to make the books nicer.
When did nice become a bad thing?
Kids like Stewie are
little and helpless,
and their innocence
needs to be protected.
Hey, could you do me a favor and not
cut my sack off in front of Rupert?
I'm trying to get in dem cheeks tonight.
What you're doing
is offensive to me as an author.
Self-published author.
Well, too bad, 'cause
we're just getting started.
At tomorrow's school board meeting,
we'll push to replace
other problematic books
with versions we approve of.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get back to stuffing
envelopes with these stamps
featuring female heroes
no one's ever heard of.
Mary Lyon,
founded Mount Holyoke College.
Hero!
Harriet Quimby,
first female pilot to
fly the English Channel.
Hero!
Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman,
honorary Commander
of the Order of the British Empire.
Hero!
Mary Lyon,
founded Mount Holyoke
Oh, my God, they just repeat,
there's only three of them.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Hmm, this appears to be a shindig
of the high school variety.
Why do you always talk so doofy?
Language is my mistress,
and I like to try new positions.
All right, I gotta go break this up.
[YAWNS]
Wait, let's not break it up.
Let's wake it up!
Well, I guess this is
a body cam cheat day.
You're all under arrest
for not partying hard enough!
[ALL CHEERING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Go ahead, pick another city.
Coral Gables.
Three to the three to the one-four-six.
Whoa! Yeah, cool!
When it comes to zip
codes, I am that dude!
Cannonball!
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
Yeah!
Oh God, that's Stacy,
she can't see me here.
Glenn, there shouldn't
be anyone at this party
who "can't see you."
Guys, they have BritBox!
Who's ready for an
eight-part murder mystery
that absolutely shatters the
coastal community of Brighton?
[RETCHING]
Let's turn this party up a notch!
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING,
GLENN MILLER, "IN THE MOOD"]
Ugh.
I drank way too much last night.
Why are we wearing tuxedos?
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
Uh-oh. Apparently, we
got married last night.
It's all over TikTok.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Boy, my dad doesn't look happy,
but God bless him, he
gave us a Cuisinart.
You picked R. Kelly for our first dance?
I know it's wrong,
but the grooves are too strong.
Guys, we have to fix this.
Marrying each other was a huge mistake.
It was?
Welcome to tonight's town hall.
Now, let's open up the floor
to women with little chin hairs
when the light hits it just right.
Hello, parents and concerned citizens.
- [LIGHTS TURN ON]
- [SHEPHERD] There we go!
- Turn them off!
- [LIGHTS TURN OFF]
[PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD] Aww.
We are MILF,
and we're very worried
about the outdated messages
in the books you're giving our kids.
Why does James' peach
need to be giant, huh?
It's big-pitted,
and we should celebrate its curves.
All y'all husbands follow my Instagram.
This is nuts!
Changing books is wrong!
If you don't like it,
just don't read it!
Look, I'll be honest.
Whoever is angriest is going to win,
so have at it.
[ALL GROANING]
Come on!
Hmm, it's pretty close.
But since it's 2025,
I'm gonna go with the group
of ethnically-diverse women.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank God we're doing this divorce
before Donna finds out.
What's this about
you getting a piece of my pension?
I offered you a prenup. You declined.
Let's just get this over with, Peter.
But the Christmas
cards already went out!
Oh, my goodness,
we really do come in
all shapes and sizes!
Now that we got that out of the way,
let's pound some brews!
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING,
GLENN MILLER, "IN THE MOOD"]
We got married again.
I can't believe it!
Why does this keep happening?
Guys, don't you see? It's the alcohol!
Every time we drink,
we end up doing something stupid.
I'm afraid that dark
day has finally come.
We need to stop drinking.
And we need to settle up for the hotel.
Let's see here
Cleveland and Quagmire,
champagne and strawberries.
Intimacy kit!
And a movie that's just titled, Movie.
It was Frost/Nixon!
Ain't everything sexual.
Actually, it was Frosting Nixon,
- and it was very sexual.
- Mm.
They've yet to find the
title they can't corrupt.
I can't believe we
have to stop drinking.
This is a nightmare!
Look, I don't like this
any more than you do,
but Peter's right.
Either we cork the hooch,
or end up marrying each other every day.
Fine. But just know that
even though we're breaking up,
I will still slap anyone
who disrespects you at the Oscars.
What did you want to
talk to us about, Peter?
I've decided to give up alcohol.
Well, I'm proud of you.
This is gonna change your life.
Ours, too.
- Way to go, Dad!
- You rock!
Thanks, gang. But just so you know,
I'm now replacing all my alcohol energy
with Grand Canyon energy.
What's that?
Just endless enthusiasm
about the Grand Canyon.
Did you know the most
dangerous animal in the GC
is actually the rock squirrel?
That's true. I'm lookin' at your faces,
but that's actually true.
Welcome to "Kettlebells with Stew".
We're all warriors here.
Kettlebell warriors.
See that over there? That's the road.
If any of you wanna waste my time,
you may as well hit it right now.
All right, warriors, we'll
pick this up next week!
[MUTTERS] I shouldn't have
advertised on Facebook.
It's all pigs.
And they want to change
the books you read
because they think you can't handle it!
So, I've invited a
guest to speak with you
about the dangers of sanitizing books:
Quahog's own beloved
children's book author,
Mr. Hillman Hollister.
Good afternoon, everyone,
I hope you're ready
to hear the word "the"
in front of a lot of
different ethnicities.
Uh, uh, thank you for
coming, Mr. Hollister.
We're going to take a break.
Be sure to give your email
to one of the guys with a clipboard
so we can flood your inbox
for the rest of your life.
Hey, Brian, I'm a news producer,
and our team loves how
outspoken you've been
about literary freedom.
We think our viewers
would really appreciate
your point of view.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Call me.
Hey, that guy you were talking to
just ran over a group of
protesters when he drove off.
[YAWNS]
Peter?
Hey, sleepyhead!
Wh why are you up so early?
And [SNIFFS]
is that fresh-brewed coffee I smell?
It sure is.
Also, I prepared your
tampon for the day.
Wow!
Gross. Thanks!
[GASPS] Crap, I have to get
the kids ready for school!
Relax, I took care of it.
They are out of bed and fed!
Great, thank you!
Not Pop-Tarts, though.
They are out of bed and fed.
You know, I gotta tell you, Peter,
sobriety is looking good on you.
And your liver must be thrilled.
Hey, HR sent me to tell
you that you can finally use
all that vacation time you've accrued.
Awesome! There's a state
I've really been wanting to visit.
- Which one?
- Oregon.
[LAUGHTER]
[ANNOUNCER] It's a
Liver will be right back.
How we feeling today, boys?
Rested and vested!
Killin' it without swillin' it!
So
what do you guys want to do?
Usually our whole day is
taken up by the drinking.
And the puking.
The puking was implied, yes.
I'm sure we can find
something that we'll all enjoy.
Isn't this awesome?
What could be more fun
than puzzling with my boys?
So nice having you
together in the same bubble.
Oh, hey, Roberta.
Look at you all grown up.
Bubble Roberta,
you get back here!
There's no age of consent in the bubble!
Like all newly sober Black men,
I have taken to hustling
chess in the park.
I am a legend here.
- Checkmate.
- [SIGHS AND CHEERS]
I suppose this was inevitable,
as I did not know the horsey could jump.
Now, this is more like it.
Drunk or sober,
watching football with my
boys will always be a blast!
[ANNOUNCER] It's second
down, three yards to go.
This second down is brought to you by
Casamigos Tequila.
Casamigos,
the tequila for guys
who wanna buy houses
next to each other in Mexico.
Hey, should we do that?
No can do, Peter.
I'm still underwater
on two different timeshares
in Panama City Beach.
What? How?
They said if I went to
the timeshare presentation,
they'd give me free
Steve Harvey tickets.
Well, how was the Steve Harvey show?
- Do you promise not to laugh?
- Of course.
I got so excited about the concept
of the flexible family vacation that
I forgot to get the tickets.
[ALL LAUGH]
You promised!
Are you sure you want to do this, Bri?
Fox News has a history of twisting
the truth to fit their agenda.
Look, we may not agree on much,
but at least I'll get some
airtime to speak my piece.
All right, but if you get in trouble,
just say "Dominion" three times.
That's their Candyman.
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[PRODUCER] We're on!
Welcome to Hannity.
Our guest tonight, Brian Griffin,
has something important
this nation needs to hear.
Thanks for having me, Sean.
I'd like to talk about books
And how the woke mind mob
wants you to change them
because the authors are white!
But you stood up to
the vermin in Chicago
and said, "No bueno,
- Comrade Obama."
- What?
Uh-oh, Brian's chyron
says, "Freedom Crusader."
And there's a photo over his shoulder
of Hunter Biden's penis.
I I just want books to be left alone.
Thi this has nothing to
do with the migrant crisis.
You're right, it has
everything to do with it!
Think about it. When you go to the mall,
what's the bookstore called?
- Borders.
- That chain closed,
- like, fifteen years ago.
- Right!
We should close the borders,
with chains! You get it.
By the way, this is
an open carry studio,
here's your gun.
Aah! Dominion! Dominion! Dominion!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Bok choy. That's a fun word to say.
Bok.
Choy.
Yeah, that's that's fun, I guess.
Garbanzo. Also fun to say.
Not "bok choy" level, but pretty close.
Yeah, garbanzo's great.
You know who makes a good napkin?
Chinet.
God, what happened to us?
Now that we're sober,
we don't got anything in
common! And why would we?
Our group is a fat guy, a Black dude,
a sex pest, and a wheelchair cuck.
We make no sense together!
I hate to say it,
but I don't think we're
cut out to be friends.
Peter's right.
Maybe we should just
go our separate ways.
Spend time with our families.
Yeah, and I guess I gotta go see
if I still have anything in common
with other Black people.
They stopped midway
because I said "pickleball."
As a newly sober person,
I'm often going to ask
if it's okay that I say
what a nice time I'm having.
I'd rather you didn't.
Hey, can I just say
what a nice time I'm having right now?
Every time we do this,
I wonder why we don't do it more.
We're doing it now.
Yes, but there should be
more times of us doing it.
Hey, you been hydrating, Lois?
You gotta hydrate. It's
the key to staying hydrated.
Stop saying "hydrated"!
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Uh, Lois? You may wanna go inside.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hi, Drated!
Hey, look! Did you see this?
Your book, Faster
Than the Speed of Love,
is back on the shelves.
Really? Noice!
- With a new forward by Ann Coulter.
- Less noice.
And a very forward by Lauren Boebert.
"When I'm not rubbing my
hand over a tented khaki,
I'm curled up with a copy
of Brian Griffin's excellent book.
And does anyone know
how Beetlejuice the Musical ends?"
Ugh, my my book is
being co-opted by the right.
- It's gross.
- And it's selling.
It's number two on the
Neo-Nazi bestseller list,
behind Ben Shapiro's
Tyranny: How the Radical
Left Made Me Bad at Sex.
Hey guys, good news. The seeds arrived.
Everyone to the vegetable patch!
What's going on?
Peter, we have something
we need to say to you.
Please sit down.
Okay.
This is an intervention.
But I already stopped drinking.
This is to get you to start again.
How dare you ambush me like this!
I trusted you!
And who's that guy?
Well, we've never held
an intervention before,
so Jax is here to help.
I was sober for years,
Peter. It was hell.
Every morning, I'd wake up at home
and not in a bush.
I stopped at red lights like a bitch.
But through quitting therapy
and shunning religion,
I found the strength to
drink again, and so can you.
Peter, your children
have written letters
to tell you how your
sobriety has affected them.
Chris, go ahead.
"It's been 12 days
"since you took a swing
at our crossing guard.
"You've stopped asking
if I think I'm better than you."
"When I wrote this letter,
I knew I would be the relative
reading it to you from
a straight-back chair,
as opposed to a couch "
[CRYING]
"This past week,
I've had to spend more
quality time with you."
But you always say you want that!
I want to say I want that,
and I want you to come up short!
I I can't handle this right now.
I I need to hydrate.
Just a little agua to take the edge off.
- No, no.
- Give me that.
- Give me that.
- No more hydrating.
- Give me that.
- [CRYING]
You're right, okay!
I can't keep not drinking like this!
- [CRYING]
- Shh, it's okay, baby,
it's okay,
you don't have to do this alone.
Let's go get tanked.
Together.
[URGENT MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
So you're really going to pander
to this extremist conference
just to move some books?
I can't believe you're
selling out like this.
I'm not selling out.
I'm presenting my art
in its rawest form.
But this place is full of weirdos!
They erected a gallows to hang Barbies!
And look at how they're
opening the event!
To honor our fallen insurrectionists,
please observe a moment of violence.
[ALL SCREAMING AND FIGHTING]
Don't forget to hit the cops we love.
[COUGHING]
Thank you for your service.
And now, I'll read an
excerpt from my book,
Faster Than the Speed of Love.
- Bigot!
- Cut his mike!
We don't want to hear your racist book!
We do!
Let him read his racist book!
It's not a racist book!
The woke mob hates it,
that means it's good!
Republicans like it,
that means it's bad!
[ALL ARGUING]
Hey, back off!
[ALL ARGUING]
Everybody, shut up!
You wimps want to edit any book
that hurts your precious feelings,
and you freaks just want
to ban books altogether!
There are bigger problems in this world
than some stupid book!
Oh, my God, the dog author is right.
His book is stupid.
That's not what I meant
The first six pages are
a description of a lake.
The sex scene repeatedly
uses the word "honkers"!
There's a map at the
front that doesn't pay off!
Every sentence starts with, "And then"!
And then I'm a hack, we got it.
You have brought us
together, Brian Griffin.
We've both agreed to ban just one book.
Yours.
Well, looks like
everyone hates you again.
Leaving you with just
enough political infamy
to do five-dollar birthday
greetings on Cameo.
Hey, Larry.
Sorry Vanessa dumped you,
so from one dog who
[BLEEP] the bed to another,
happy birthday.
Ha! That's hilarious, Joe!
What is? I didn't do anything.
Doesn't matter!
The point is, we're all together again.
But what about what you said before,
that we have nothing in common?
That that beer is
just hiding the truth.
Yeah, but it's how you say it.
Beer is hiding the truth!
The truth of what guy friends are.
A random assortment of
dudes bound by booze!
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Peter, Stewie swallowed
- a Tide Pod
- [RETCHING]
we're headed to St. Christophers,
- come quick, bring
- [DISCONNECTS]
To alcohol.
It may tear families apart,
but it brings friends together!
[GLASSES CLINK]