Family Guy s23e18 Episode Script

1
- [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
- It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
So that's how I wound up
smoking opium with Erma Bombeck.
But, enough of my stories,
we're here to tell yours.
Brian Griffin, you're up.
Sorry, I'm not quite ready.
I guess the "me" ate my homework.
Do you even have an idea?
Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.
No, that's not an idea,
you're just describing what's happening.
Right. What about "The Boy
with the Dragon Tattoo?"
You want to be a writer, Brian, yeah?
I need an idea that tears
your heart out of your chest.
Something so real and true,
if you can't express it, you'll die.
Okay, I got it.
The "Karate Adult."
Brian, writing isn't just
words or lazy references
or marrying Noah Baumbach and
having him do everything for you.
It's adventure, love, intrigue, life!
And until you live it,
you have no business here.
Please turn in your scarf and leave.
Okay, next up, Joe Swanson.
"A dedication for Bonnie.
Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood.
Detective Bo Bonsen held the gun
and whispered, 'Who can't walk now?'"
Now that's writing.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud
Light, here to apologize.
We violated your trust when we gave five
cans of beer to a trans woman last year.
You protested and we learned.
Light beer is the cornerstone
of your heterosexual identity.
Counting calories and watching
our figures, it's what guys do.
So we have a simple
plan to win you back.
Prove to us you've always had a
penis and we'll give you free beer.
Just bring a naked baby picture
to wherever Bud Light is sold
and flash your current genitals.
If they're both penises,
you get a six pack, on us.
[ANNOUNCER] Bud Light. Wow.
How did we get here?
Hey, Brian, were you able to
invent an entire novel on the spot?
No, I totally blanked.
What am I missing?
How did all these great writers
from the past get their ideas?
When did we get a bookcase?
I have something amazing to say,
but don't know what it is.
It kinda sounds like you
don't have anything to say.
What do you think it is?
What do I think you have to say?
I could get over my writer's block
if I could just step
away from all the noise
and get inside the minds of the greats.
Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain
- Are you gonna name a woman?
- Jules Verne.
That's a guy, you turd.
It is? God, it must've been
so tough to date back then.
- Jules?
- Ashley?
Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.
[ANNOUNCER] The 19th century:
Most gay stuff was accidental.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
I'll tell you what. How about I
take you back in the time machine,
we meet some of the greats and
they help get your writing on track?
You'd do that for me?
Of course I would, old friend.
[WHIRRING]
I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.
She sounds so hot.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible
is the most popular book of all time,
so he's got to have some good advice.
Luke can see you now.
Welcome, gentlemen.
If I knew you guys were coming,
I'd have taken a shower four months ago.
So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.
Just take big swings,
man. Don't be afraid.
Like right now. I'm working on
this sci fi thing about a guy,
mom's a whore, friends betray him,
he gets whacked. Three days
later, he's back to life,
running around like a zombie hippie.
No offense. It sounds
like a bit of a mess.
Who cares? The entire audience is
just staring at their sundials anyway.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
How was I able to focus
to write David Copperfield, A Tale
of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
Well, writing is the only distraction
from how literally everything
in London reeks of feces.
You should simply stool on your desk.
Then you'll have no choice but
to write to avoid the stench.
You're not going to remember that?
[GUNSHOT]
If you or someone you know is
struggling with depression
Someone's not gonna kill themselves
because a cartoon dog said don't.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
If you want to be a writer, I always
say, "Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the
day after tomorrow.",
So good. Just dead on, man.
Feels like a wine mom apron
to me. But what do I know?
Suppose you were an idiot.
Now, suppose you were
a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
[LAUGHING] Oh, man, we
are both on fire right now.
Both?
Well, Mr. Twain, we have
to go back to the future.
He's not gonna know that one.
I must confess, I'm not
surprised to meet time travelers.
I'm actually working on a
story about a Connecticut Yankee
being magically transported
into King Arthur's Court.
Oh, word?
It's a searing takedown
of Merlin the Wizard.
Just tears Merlin to shreds.
I don't know how Merlin ever recovers
after being hit by the "Twain train".
Feels like we're winding down here.
Before you leave, may I cadge another
one of those wondrous cigarettes?
You know, giving up smoking is easy.
I've done it hundreds of times.
I have likewise too been addicted,
perchance, forsooth and such.
Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.
[LAUGHING]
I guess that makes me a bum
bumming butts from an ash.
- Oh, we did it again.
- He did it again.
I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.
Mr. Twain, would you like to come
back to our time and write with me?
Interesting proposal.
I suppose I should be hesitant
but worrying is like paying
a debt you might not even owe.
Mark Twain.
Did you just quote yourself?
Yes, Mark Twain.
- So you'll do it?
- I'd love to see the future,
and it'll give me a chance
to proofread my new novel,
"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".
You mean Huckleberry Finn?
See, that's already better.
I'll go fetch the manuscript.
Brian, this is a terrible idea.
We could change the course of history.
You always say that but doesn't
history pretty much suck?
I mean, the Crusades, Hitler
Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.
Again? Oh, like all of your
wives are so much better.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
So what do you think
we should write about?
Well, the best stories are
all about a man and a boy
going on an unsupervised journey.
For reasons too long to state here,
we're gonna table that for a second.
What if Merlin
We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.
It's your grave, pal.
Can you please focus? We need
to write something spectacular.
Fine. A character should say,
"If you don't like the weather
in New England, wait a
minute. It'll change."
Well that normally gets a huge laugh.
Let's build the book around that.
No, it's got to be real and compelling
and ripped from the headlines.
Maybe something about a murdered woman.
Why would anyone care if a woman died?
Okay, the world's changed
a lot in the past 150 years.
We should catch you up on
everything you've missed.
In 1915, the first transcontinental
telephone line was laid
Soon after the United States entered
something called World War I
Then Germany was back at it again
for something called World War II
And so Neil Armstrong, became the
first man to walk on the moon
Taylor Swift started
dating Travis Kelce
Trump was reelected, and now we
can say, "Merry Christmas" again.
So that's it. That's history.
My goodness gracious. Wow.
So can you tell me about
that flesh flashlight again?
From duct taped prototype to
the CAD-engineered vibratory
wonder of today,
the story of the tug tube is
really the story of America itself.
I don't know why we invited Chris.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, what about a murder mystery?
But instead of a "Who-done-it"
it's a "When-done-it?"
- I hate that.
- A "Where-done-it?"
I wish you had dysentery,
because at least then it would
be coming out of the right hole.
A mislead could be
it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Well, if it's in Wyoming,
there needs to be an Injun.
We don't say that anymore.
A big, murderous Injun,
who's a liar and a thief.
He robs graves.
I think more details just make it worse.
And a slave who takes
vacations with teenage boys.
Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon
terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,
then gets murdered by an NFT?
I have no idea what any of that is.
Here, look it up. Does
it have to be Ethereum?
Could it be Dogecoin?
Some of these women
are powerful attractive.
- What women?
- On this hub, this hub of pornographs.
I need to use this
outhouse for a moment.
[TWAIN] What is a Latina?
It's like a regular
woman, but different.
I think I like it.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, imagine if the only
fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,
falls in love with a vegan.
And for some reason she has
to eat fish to save his life?
[CELL PHONE PINGS]
Hang on. Stewie's texting me.
Give me your phone. I
want to look at stuff.
We've gotta work. And I know
what you do with my phone.
I always say, find a job
you enjoy doing and you will
never work a day in your life.
And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
I brought you here to help me
write a great novel, not masturbate.
Novels are stupid and meaningless.
I've been here a month
and haven't seen anyone
reading a book this entire time.
The only thing that matters
in this world is pornography.
It makes everyone feel alive.
No, literature is important.
Your work convinced me to
dedicate my life to writing.
Brian, I lived at a time when
you went to bed at sunset,
lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight
of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
That's how all our
great art was created.
By undistracted people
who could cultivate genius.
We were all idiots.
I'd seen nothing.
I thought Hartford was amazing.
And now I wanna see it all.
A woman with a penis,
a man with a vagina.
And other curios, oddities and wonders.
[ANNOUNCER] That last line was
not brought to you by Bud Light.
Bud Light: We're making this way
more complicated than it needs to be.
Please keep your voice down.
Why? These good people would
assuredly agree with me.
Raise your hand if you like novels.
Now raise your hand if you like
Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.
[ALL AGREEING]
See? The worst masturbation
is better than the best book.
Brian, all I need in
this world is a penis,
a phone and a place to stand.
And I have two of the three.
- Give me your phone.
- No.
Brian as your friend,
I'm demanding that you
let me paddle my wheel.
Absolutely not. The Mark Twain
I know is better than this.
Then you've left me no choice.
[GRUNTING AND GROANING]
My scones! My cakepops!
My model egg sandwich to show everyone
what an egg sandwich looks like!
I love porn.
I want to make porn.
I want to be porn!
[BRIAN GROANING]
Hi, I'm thinking of
ordering an egg sandwich,
but I have no idea what it looks like.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You turned one of the greatest writers
in history into a porn addict.
And now he's God knows where.
- I know it's a real "Where-done-it."
- What?
Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain
was really high on before he left.
Brian, you've now thrown
history off course.
This is a bigger disaster than
when Mount Vesuvius erupted.
Honey, I'm so glad you agreed
to do Pilates with me today.
Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.
It's just one class.
It's not like you're
gonna be here forever.
[MOUNTAIN RUMBLING]
Mark Twain will be fine.
Brian, he has yet to fall asleep
without a lit cigar in his hand.
Mark Twain, the man isn't
important to history.
His work is. And we
aren't gonna lose that.
- What do you mean?
- He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.
I handed it in to my professor.
The quality is undeniable.
He'll pass it on to his publisher.
And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin
will be as renowned as it ever was.
You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
Smart, right?
Did you make any changes
before you gave it to him?
To Mark Twain's
masterwork? Of course not.
Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?
Actually, no. Why?
I was more offended than
I've ever been in my life.
And then I read your book.
You portrayed violence and
didn't have a trigger warning.
You said "trigger warning"
without a trigger warning.
I'm afraid of trigger warnings.
The whole thing is just
dripping with white privilege.
I'm not white. My skin
is like, cow pattern.
And it takes place on stolen land.
Where are you sitting now?
Huck lives with two women
but you made them sisters
instead of lesbian lovers.
Why do you hate women?
You had a grown man traveling with
and clearly grooming a young boy.
They were on an adventure.
You're always hanging out with
that baby. Are you grooming him?
- No!
- Plus putting them on a raft,
that's able-ist. Brian.
We all want to take the ride.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
is one of the finest novels
ever written. It's a masterwork.
Oh, there it is, the word master.
You're worse than the
school shooter last year.
At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
- I know you're a they.
- I'm a whom, you pig.
There's whom's now?
Yeah, we're winning
all the swimming races,
so everyone's really mad about it.
Amateur swimming is super important.
What do you think?
Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?
It's awful, Brian,
and you're a disgrace.
And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately
redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.
No, consider yourself canceled, expelled
and, worst of all,
banned from my webinars.
Fine. I'll get out of your hair.
Professor, can I take
five for mental health?
Legally, I can't say no.
So anyone who wants to take five
for mental health, please feel free.
[ALL CHATTERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
It's just a dumb
community college, Brian.
How bad can it hurt your reputation?
Just watch some TV and relax.
[ANNOUNCER] We now return to
the Saturday Night
Live's opening credits sound
once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!
T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!
Jonathan Jonathan!
Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!
Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!
Dildonna Wam-Wam!
Kenan's still here?
- Who are these people?
- Finally a cast for my generation.
Thanks. I feel a little better.
[TOM TUCKER] We interrupt
Peacock to bring you this report.
We can do that now.
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with
a new "Cancelation Corner,"
brought to you by Bud Light.
Bud Light: Screw it, we're
touching the hot stove again.
Local canine writer, Brian Griffin,
had a rough day when
he proudly handed in
a racist, sexist screed
to his writing class.
Brian's cancelation knocks
Casey Anthony off the list,
so I have a call to make.
I can't believe this.
If Mark Twain was a better
writer, I'd be a famous author.
- Now I'm ruined.
- That's your takeaway?
You tried to steal his book.
You think you're the victim here?
Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn
doesn't work is when my name is on it.
People are so anti dog, it's insane.
Guys, we have a bigger problem here.
Your little stunt ruined porn.
What are you talking about?
Every movie is now just people
saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
It's better to keep your legs closed
and let people think you're a fool
than to open them and remove all doubt.
The coldest winter I ever spent,
was a summer in your mud room.
I'm not gonna buy my
kids an encyclopedia.
Let them walk to school like I did.
That's not even Twain.
He stole it from Yogi Berra!
That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain
back into the past and
undo this whole thing.
Fine. How are we gonna find him?
He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa
Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
I have a condition called Datassbergers.
It allows me to immediately
identify where dat ass at.
How the hell are we supposed
to get to California?
Well, a pretty smart guy told me
the best stories are about a man
and a boy making an
unsupervised journey.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
A man and a boy on an adventure ♪
Just like Mark Twain
wrote about in Huck Finn ♪
Is that his dad? ♪
No, that's a stranger ♪
I guess that was normal ♪
The time they were in ♪
People now just assume
there'd be molestation ♪
With a man and a boy ♪
That's a sad reflection ♪
Where we are as a nation ♪
It's just a man and a boy ♪
In the olden days
that's just what happened ♪
It was all men with boys ♪
Don't call the police
or worry the least ♪
'Cause I talked to the man and
he told me that he's not a priest ♪
If he was, that's a
whole different story ♪
A man and a boy, a man and a boy ♪
It's a man and a boy ♪
Just a man and a boy ♪
A man and a boy, a man and a boy ♪
Let's not ask questions ♪
Let's all just enjoy ♪
The man with the boy ♪
That whole time, we just went 30 miles?
Yeah, we'll take a plane
the rest of the way.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Mark?
What happened?
This industry chewed
me up and spit me out.
Two weeks ago, I was scarcely
aware of my own hindquarters,
and now they've been stretched
hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.
Oh, man, I can't help but think this
is maybe in some small way, my fault.
- [THUD]
- Ow!
I wish I could talk, but I'm
due on set at 11:00 o'clock.
And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27
Brian, this is one of our great writers,
and now he's being
used as a human Kleenex.
Wait! Mister Twain,
my failures as a writer are
my responsibility, not yours.
I don't wanna ruin your life too.
Anyone can make pornography, but
only you can write your great books.
Please let us bring you home.
Do you think I've gotten
enough revenge on my father?
Yeah, all that slutty
stuff. You really showed him.
Well, then I'll go.
Thanks for saving me.
You're good men.
No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.
You'll land in 1870.
Just step off and it's
programmed to return here.
Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't
like the time you're in, wait a minute,
it'll change.
I maintain my deep conviction
that that is hilarious.
- [WHIRRING]
- [LOUD BANG]
Did he just grab a tug tube?
[ANNOUNCER] Family Guy is
brought to you by Bud Light!
Bringing Mark Twain to the future to
get him addicted to porn was our idea!
Bud Light: We can't
stop doing sex stuff.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, Brian, these dopes will never
know we saved literary history.
Yep. Thanks to us,
quasi-offensive high school
reading remains completely unchanged.
[TWAIN] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth,
here for the Twain Tube Emporium.
- [BRIAN] Uh-oh.
- We've got the largest selection anywhere,
and we're conveniently located
just 801 feet from most schools.
We pay cash for our new tubes,
saving thousands of dollars a
month in wholesale finance charges.
And we have the largest selection
of used tubes on the East Coast.
I can sell you new or used for far
less because our costs are less.
But don't take my word for it.
Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.
I demand peak performance.
So when I've gotta reach the
finish line, I make it a Twain.
You can trust Twain Tubes,
man and boy operated since 1878.
That's gonna be hard to undo.
[CHRIS] Who took my Twain
out of the dishwasher?
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]