Family Guy s24e01 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Welcome to Quahog's first
recreational dispensary.
Now, as you all know,
I was against this.
I fought it tooth.
Maybe I should've also fought it nail.
But that time is gone.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
Settle down. There's
enough drugs for everybody.
Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys
with blond dreadlocks than I thought.
- Mmm.
- And a fair number of Black ladies
with the blond dreadlocks guys.
Cleveland, what do you think
We don't like to talk about it, Peter.
It's a big problem in our community.
It's just, you should know,
in the white community,
these guys are kind of
considered, like, big time rascals.
We're aware. It's being handled.
There was just a big Zoom about it.
- Maybe you could
- We're gonna go ahead
and deal with this one in-house.
How ya doin'?
There is a plan.
That's all I need to know.
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in witness
protection when I'm at breakfast?
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Susie and I saw you unloading groceries
and wanted to let you know
if you need to borrow
reusable bags, I have a bunch.
And, you know, you can't soak
cast iron skillets, right?
It strips the seasoning.
Oh, Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.
- It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.
- [SLAMS]
Oreos! Here we go, baby!
[WHINES] I want Oreos!
[WHINING]
Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.
Besides, they're not for babies.
They're for rewarding good behavior
in developmentally slow adults.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING]
- [BEEPS]
So then I was like,
"What if I've also been
the mailman the whole time?"
Yeah, you were saying that in the car.
I know, but you didn't respond.
Let's, uh Let's lock these guys
up in the cabinet for a while, huh?
Yeah, I think that would be best.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CLICKING]
[CREAKS]
Bingo.
Oh, baby. Bonus candy.
Mmm. Not really feeling the sugar rush.
[DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING]
I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
Good idea, Rupert.
Music will help me relax.
["THE WHEELS ON THE BUS" PLAYING]
Okay, this is good. This is helping.
[SINGER LAUGHS]
The wheels bus on the
bus go 'round and 'round ♪
Why should I be afraid of dying?
Wait, what?
With a lunatic on the grassy ground ♪
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
If you hear the lunatics howl ♪
[HOWLS]
The wheels on the
bus may start to growl ♪
The lunatic is in my head ♪
And very soon we'll all be ♪
Dead.
I wonder if this is why Ben and
Jerry started making ice cream.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.
I think I may take a gap year.
You know, hit the road.
There's something I've been searching
for for a while that I need to find.
A little guy named Stewie Griffin.
Can can you hear any of this?
I'm not even trying to listen anymore.
I'm thinking about soccer.
Guys, what are you doing up here?
Big no-no. The roof is off limits.
Stewie, are you high?
Yeah. So are you. We're on the roof.
[LAUGHS] Okay, I heard that.
That was funny.
[ANNOUNCER ON TV] We
now return to a Dateline
with a beloved town dentist.
- He did it. It was him.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Peter, we got a big problem.
It appears Stewie was
high on pot at school.
Excuse me for one second.
Lois! Someone's at the door for you.
Joe, why do you have Stewie?
I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,
but apparently, Stewie
was high at school.
- What?
- It's the worst thing
I've seen in my career.
And I've seen four dead bodies.
Though technically, that was a
zip-lining accident in Costa Rica.
- O okay.
- Maybe not the best idea
having 13-year-olds
securing those carabiners.
- Joe, I
- They wouldn't let me
bring my own camera on the zip-line.
Odd, right?
Well, turns out they just
want to sell you their photos.
I'll take it from here, Joe.
Thanks for bringing him home.
This is a serious offense, Lois.
I have a court order to
remove him from your custody.
What? No. Please!
I'm sorry, Lois.
[CRYING] No!
My baby! Please!
I gotta keep Stewie entertained,
so I'm gonna need your iPad.
What?
[CRYING] No! My baby! Please!
Hey, what's gonna happen with Stewie?
Well, he's at the
Swansons until I complete
court-ordered online parenting classes.
Throwing this out there.
If you want a new baby in
six months, let me know.
You gotta tell me within five months.
Eh, five-and-a-half max.
So, Stewie, I know your
dad is a pretty funny guy,
but I'm kind of the
"your dad" around here.
Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk
about being funny. He just is.
Yeah, Stewie, comedy's
pretty big in this house, too.
In fact, I recently submitted a
packet to get into the Capitol Steps.
Nobody knows what that is, Joe.
They're pretty well known in the
political satire,
off-center comedy world.
Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill
is a generous tipper? [LAUGHS]
I make a bit of hay
about that in the packet.
Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!
[CLARKEY] Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.
So sorry, but we're gonna pass.
We're looking for
someone more off-center,
more skewed, if that makes sense?
That's what I am!
There's plenty of other comedy groups.
Oh, really?
[SCREAMS] Like the Capitol
"freaking" Steps? [PANTING]
- What about
- If you say the words
"Ocean State Follies,"
I swear to God, I'll empty
my bag all over the floor.
Meg, please, I really need the laptop.
I'm just about done with
my parenting classes,
and then I can get Stewie back.
One sec. I gotta finish this mandatory
sexual harassment course today,
or I'm not allowed around the janitors.
[AUTOMATED VOICE] True or false.
It's okay to slap a man's bottom
if he knows you.
That's got to be true.
- [AUTOMATED VOICE] False.
- I'm done.
Thanks, Meg.
This has been so hard for me.
A mama just can't be
separated from her kiddos.
Well, I'm off to Denver with
the guy from the magic shop.
Okay. See you at dinner.
Only if you're in the greater
Denver area there, Hoss.
I'm just gonna give you
the "title" of the sketch.
It's called "The Dan
Quayle Spelling Bee."
The jokes write themselves.
- Do one.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Here it is. I'm done
with my parenting class.
Where's my baby?
I'm happy for you, Lois, but
don't let this happen again.
We ran out of diapers, so
he's wearing a Walgreens bag.
Oh, Stewie. I am so
happy to have you back.
Momma's never gonna let anything
like this happen again, okay?
This place is a nightmare.
They don't even have a xylophone on
a string that you can drag behind you.
[SQUEAKING]
Well, if nobody's next, I
guess I'll just go again.
[SQUEAKING]
[CHIMES]
Now that Stewie is back, we're gonna
have some new rules to keep us safe.
First, it is no longer sufficient
for our pet to look after our baby.
Probably probably the right call.
Second, kids' bedroom doors are not
allowed to be closed all the way.
I am happy to do this,
but I need you to be absolutely
sure you've thought it out.
You don't win this one, Mom.
I'm striking that last rule.
We are gonna start
using the buddy system.
If you leave, you go with your buddy.
You're okay with all these rules, Dad?
Sorry, bud, but I agree
with Mom on this stuff.
I learned a lot from the dad's
version of the parenting classes.
[COMMENTATOR] He took
a run at Stefan there,
and now it's all breaking loose.
I also do dishes on holidays.
Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen
time, so I'm gonna read you a book.
This one is called "There's a
Monster at the End of this Book."
[BOTH SCREAM]
Peter? Stewie? Wh
where'd you guys go?
Lois, you need to, very carefully,
remove that book from this room.
Why bring it into the house?
Why take that chance?
Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.
I'm an introvert. I gotta recharge.
You know the rules.
One of us has to be
with him at all times.
Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.
Why does Meg get to live
her best life in Denver?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could
you please stop touching me there?
I'm a woman. My pants
are just bunched up.
If I'm going to live under Lois's rule,
I've got to take a little mental escape.
Brian's gotta have some loose
gummies in here somewhere.
Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.
Ooh, sativa.
That means nothing to me or anyone.
Whoa.
Peter? Where are you?
Relax. I just went to the bathroom.
Relax? Stewie is unattended
in front of the TV.
He could easily turn
into something terrible,
like Paramount+.
Lois, you got to relax.
What would Dr. Cosby
do in this situation?
You put the plop in
the drink go fizz-fizz
and make her go sleepidy floppity floo.
Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.
[POPS AND FIZZES]
May I go to the bathroom, Warden?
You just went.
I do different stuff every time!
Mmm.
This chewy Zin is excellent.
It's close to hitting that corner.
Yeah, it's gonna hit it on the next one.
[INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYS]
You can talk?
You can understand me?
Oh, I've been waiting
a long time to say this.
Here goes.
Please stop buying the cheap
baby wipes. They tear me up.
Oh, great. Your first words
to me are a grocery critique.
Hey, guess what?
I think Baby Shark is a terrible song.
And Dora sucks.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
We've clearly gotten off
on the wrong foot here.
Let's start over.
Hi, Stewie Griffin.
I just I can't believe you can talk.
Not only can I talk
I am the very model of
a modern major general ♪
I've information vegetable,
animal, and mineral ♪
I know the kings of England
and I quote the fight historical ♪
From Marathon to Waterloo
In order categorical ♪
[CHUCKLING]
I love this.
Did Peter do this once?
Eh, he he mumbled his
way through it, but yeah.
I don't understand how we're talking.
Probably because we're both zonked?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] I would never
do that in front of my baby.
Okay, then tell me something
about the Dave Matthews Band.
Carter Beauford is the best
drummer of his genera
Oh, my God, I am zonked.
So, I, uh, found some gummies
in Bri's car and dosed us both.
- Are you mad?
- Well, I should be,
but this is kind of awesome.
I'm talking to my baby.
Honestly, if I were you,
I'd do this all the time.
You put up with a lot.
[SIGHS] Really? You think so?
I mean, yes. Look at Peter.
He treats you like garbage
and does zero to help out.
Why do you let him do that?
Oh, you are getting right in there.
It's tough, you know.
You commit to somebody for life
when you're, like, 19,
and you know nothing.
Damn. Yeah.
And it may be hard to
believe, but when he was 19,
Peter was stunning.
I mean, weirdly, I can see it.
Besides, he he's gonna be
dead in a couple of years, anyway.
By then, my trust fund will vest,
and I'm gonna be playin'
in a whole different league.
Oh, that's good. Okay,
good, you got a plan.
That's that's cool. That's cool.
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, what's the story with Chris?
It just doesn't seem like he's
How do I say this?
thriving, you know?
I fell down an escalator
when I was pregnant with him.
He totally has an escalator head vibe.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
We tried to sue the mall,
but then the mall just closed.
Remember malls?
You know Brian loves you, right?
Yeah, I know.
No, like, he really loves you.
I know, I know.
I don't quite know how to handle it,
but, aw, he's such a good boy.
And he'll be dead in
a couple of years so
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES] You you
are one twisted lady.
You should try out
for the Capitol Steps.
- What's that?
- I don't know. It's weird at the Swansons.
Oh, my God. What if we
did an adventure together?
Oh, yes. I know the
perfect thing for this vibe.
Watch The Big Lebowski at a
small theater by a college.
Okay. [GIGGLES]
- Do you think I'll like it?
- You'll think it's fine.
All women think it's fine.
Huh. Wouldn't you think John
Goodman would be the Big Lebowski?
Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.
I have a million of
these thoughts a day.
Who am I supposed to tell
'em to? Freakin' Bonnie?
Can I Can I say something?
Bonnie's not pretty enough
to be as mean as she is.
Yes! That. That.
I'm really enjoying
being on drugs with you.
I don't know why people
say drugs are bad.
Oof. Oh, bad time for Philip
Seymour Hoffman to show up.
I can't stop thinking about
the girl who sold us the tickets
and then had to run
and make the popcorn.
Yeah. And I saw a broom
by the popcorn maker,
so you know she's
putting on one more hat.
- I'm still hungry.
- I'm starving.
We gotta go to IHOP, right?
Have to.
Thank you so much.
We had such a nice time.
You know our waitress was the
girl from the movie theater, right?
Yeah, I couldn't look up.
Nobody's rooting for her harder than me,
but you just know she's
not getting our order right.
Yeah, just write it down. God.
Okay, real talk.
Sometimes
I get the feeling that I might
love you more than you love me,
which is fine.
You're not wrong. Honestly, I
can't believe I'm saying this,
but there was a time when I
actually wanted to kill you.
What? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Why would you wanna do that?
Maybe because you're such a doormat.
You let everyone walk all over you,
your husband, your kids, Bonnie.
I I don't understand why that
would make you wanna kill me?
I thought it was because I hated you,
but maybe I just wanted to
put you out of your misery.
I think I wanted to kill
you because I came from you.
Whatever is in you must also be in me.
I wanted to kill the part of myself
that scares me the most.
Whoa.
You're mad at me.
IHOP must be a rabbit's
favorite restaurant, right?
[SPITS AND CHUCKLES] Yeah.
You're gonna get us kicked out of here.
Thanks for sharing.
That was hard to hear, but it's okay.
I'm your mom, and my job is to love you
to the moon and back, no matter what.
Do you feel that?
Yeah, I do.
Good. Then I'm doing my job.
And all you gotta do is just be a kid.
We ordered omelets.
Oh, no, no. This is good,
though. This is good.
Better than what we ordered. Yay.
Step on a crack,
break your mama's back ♪
[CHUCKLES] No, no, I'm
just joking. I'm not gonna.
No, you can. It's just a silly game.
Okay.
- [STOMPS]
- Ahhh!
- [GASPS] Mama! Mama, I'm sorry!
- Oh, God!
[LAUGHS]
- Gotcha.
- Mom. Whoa.
Where has this Lois been?
Yeah, I should let her come out more.
I didn't used to be
so uptight, you know.
- I I used to be crazy and fun.
- Really?
I I shouldn't be telling
you this, but once in college
[SNICKERS] This is nuts. Okay.
Well, my friends and I, we stayed
up till 1:00 in the morning,
playing Jimmy Crack Corn with
spoons on the bathroom sink.
- [LAUGHING]
- O Okay?
Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.
Hey, we should get back at Bonnie
for how mean she always is to you.
Yes! [GASPS]
I'll go get spoons.
Do you know Jimmy Crack
Corn? I can teach you.
[GASPS] We'll sing it so loud.
No, no. Just follow my lead.
[MAN ON TV] I wanted to
get that out of the way.
Bonnie gives you crap, we give her crap.
- Griffin style.
- Uh
[SIGHS] I'm not gonna be able to go.
Mom, I've known you since I was a baby.
You try too hard with everything.
You're wound so tightly.
Just let it go, babe. Just let it
[CACKLES] I did it!
I just let it go.
Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP
probably get an assist.
What a night.
We should go on a trip,
like to Tuscany or something.
Oh. Like an Eat Pray Love.
Yeah, like a like a
mom and son pisghetti trip.
Want another Oreo?
Ah! [LAUGHS]
Gotcha! [LAUGHS]
Oh. You remember your
Oreo tantrum earlier?
You know, my tantrums are never
about the thing they're about.
Oh. What do you mean?
It's a generalized lack of control.
I have no autonomy. I'm on
everyone else's schedule.
Stewie, I see you. I hear you.
And I feel the same way.
- All adults do.
- They do?
I mean, I'm not strapped in a
car seat, but I may as well be.
- [SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
- Every day it's shopping,
chores, cleaning, repeat.
So, it's not just me?
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
So, you're not gonna kill me, right?
Not anytime soon.
[BONNIE SCREAMS]
Joe! Why are there three
human poos on our lawn?
[JOE] Two of them aren't mine.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[BOTH SIGH WEARILY]
[YAWNING]
Why am I on the floor?
- Why are you here?
- Why am I in Stewie's room?
I don't remember anything.
This is like The Hangover
with Justin Bartha.
Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.
Oh, there you are.
I have no memory of
what happened last night.
Yet, I have the strangest feeling
that Stewie and I, we
shared something special.
Pancakes, please.
Yes, it's strange, Rupert,
but I feel the same way.
Something changed with us.
I think this is a whole new beginning.
Uh-uh-uh. Too early, little guy.
[WAILING]
Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
It's just Oreos.
[SIGHS] Well, I guess we'll always
have whatever last night was.
We're out of your Tom's of
Maine Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.
I'll order more.
I'm gonna kill her.
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]