Family Guy s24e02 Episode Script

1
- [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
- It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now
return to Hung Sheldon.
I don't think I have to
say smart stuff anymore.
Bazinga.
Hello, family. Just wanted
to give you guys a heads up
that I have catastrophically
clogged the toilet.
Catastrophically clogged?
Well, let's just say your dress
shoe couldn't scoop it all out.
And the Emmy goes to
[DRUM ROLL]
Bob's Burgers.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
[PETER] Stupid thing's political.
Ugh! I guess everybody
will just have to make
a family trip to Starbucks.
Well, I can't leave without
my bathroom-reading material.
I'm gonna bring my pick-up artist book.
I'm learning how to neg.
You can read that when you get home.
You know, you're pretty for
a broad with small boobs.
I got to read Chapter two.
God, this place is sad.
Look at that loser
working on his screenplay.
- Oh, that's Brian.
- Interior
Space Brothel Day.
You know, I think it has potential.
Why do we always come to a coffee shop
when our toilets don't work?
Well, coffee shop toilets are strong.
They're stress-tested daily
and are guaranteed to be able to flush
a homeless man's pants.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[SNIFFS]
What you're picking up is Pop-Tarts
and a hint of mango White Claw.
No [SNIFFS]
Is that [CHUCKLING] No!
It can't be.
- [EXHILARATING MUSIC PLAYING]
-
[GASPS]
- [YELPS]
- Pumpkin spice latte is back?
But it's a day early.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I have a
Google alert on my phone for that
and Luke Hemsworth.
I wanna be the first one to know
when he becomes a successful actor.
I also see you had a pap smear today.
Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.
Anyway, two pumpkin
spice lattes, please.
You can say I like those a lot-te.
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]
Cool beans, huh?
What brew-tiful news!
Okay. You got to give me something here.
I live in my car.
Oh. Way to make it all about you.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Meg, it's the start of
pumpkin spice latte season!
- What's that?
- A very special day
for white women everywhere,
even bigger than Martha
Stewart's birthday.
- [STEWIE] August 3rd.
- Honey,
there comes a day when every white girl
must become a white woman.
Today is that day.
- [SLURPS]
- [LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Makin' my way downtown ♪
Walking fast, faces
pass and I'm homebound ♪
Starin' blankly ahead
Just makin' my way ♪
Makin' a way through the crowd ♪
And I need you ♪
And I miss you ♪
And now I wonder ♪
If I could fall into the sky ♪
Do you think time would pass me by? ♪
'Cause you know I'd
walk a thousand miles ♪
If I could just see you ♪
You don't tell me to connect the dots.
You connect your own dots.
Oh, my God! It's a giraffe! Lois, look!
I thought it was going
to be a palm tree,
but the antlers were a dead giveaway.
Hey, bitch. Let's get PSLs.
Mama wants to nut some megs.
Oh, honey, it's been a month.
Pumpkin spice latte season is over.
Over? What do you mean over?
Well, it's a seasonal beverage.
I mean, this is why I always
have withdrawals this time of year
and quickly lose patience
with family and friends.
- [SLURPS]
- I told you, no straws in the living room!
- [WAILING]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Let me make you something fall-adjacent
that will help tide you over.
- Mama?
- What the deuce, Stewie?
Ah! That's where that comes from.
Here you go.
A nice cup of green tea you can drink
until it's the same
temperature as the room
and then leave half full.
[MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi. I'm Green Tea.
I have an extra ticket
to see Three Dog Night
at the fairground this weekend.
It's none of the original members
and none of the original fake members.
What do you say we
Shambala over around 06:00?
This sucks.
Hey, can you guys stop
going on drug trips?
I haven't had my diaper
changed since October.
I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is.
You'll get used to it.
I'll tell you exactly what it is.
Misogyny.
This is them taking
things away from women.
Why can't the patriarchy
let us have this one thing?
- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]
-
Hey, my dudes.
On today's agenda, we're deciding
what women can and can't have.
We're in Q4,
so pumpkin spice lattes are out.
And where did we land
on reproductive rights?
[MEN] They gone!
Before we go any further,
would anyone like to
yell an Anchorman quote?
Milk was a bad choice.
Whale's vagina!
Right on. Now, let's
take a quick stand break
to unstick our testicles from our legs.
- [ALL SIGHING]
- Yeah.
This arbitrary cutoff is BS.
I bet they have all the ingredients
just sitting there in some storage room.
[GASPS] You know what?
What are you doing?
This table has a very
strict weight limit,
and you're testing it.
We need to rise up and
take back our country
I mean, seasonal beverage.
- Are you in?
- I'm in.
[SHUDDERS]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Hey, Chris, can you stop
using me as your recovery email
for Pornhub?
You don't need an account.
[CHRIS] You do to post comments.
[ANNOUNCER] Pornhub,
join the conversation.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Guess our many pandemic hobbies
are finally paying off.
All right, since we have
more time on our hands,
we're gonna get into social justice.
And I got a Black Lives
Matter sign to put on our lawn.
Ooh! We should also put up a sign
in support of the trans community.
I don't know, Meg.
Suddenly, everything's
sounding very cluttered.
Mom's high school swimming
records are getting shattered.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Meg, I found it!
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-
Nice! Up top, bitch.
Can you stop calling me that?
Whoa! What's this?
Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs.
They propped up Michael Buble for years.
Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette
The Diana Krall?
What's this really tall stack?
Oh! It's the audio book for
Kamala Harris's The Truths We Hold.
Well, now I'm just sad.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Coming up my adult
nephew's band "Forged in Steel"
will be playing at
the Cat Club on Friday.
Is that enough uncle-ing
for you, Denise?
But first, a brazen robbery occurred
at a Quahog coffee shop last night,
with the assailants stealing
a proprietary spice blend
used to make pumpkin spice lattes.
An eyewitness reports seeing
two people fleeing the scene,
a woman he quote, "Would like to jump,"
and a second woman.
We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson,
who is taking this very seriously.
I'm now going to answer
some questions from reporters
that this microphone is not picking up.
No, not at this time.
We're monitoring that.
Yes.
About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.
We have to keep a low profile.
[SIGHS] Good thinking.
I'll go on social media
and let everyone know
I'm taking a mental health break.
Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.
I think they do.
Oh, right.
I forgot to unfollow her.
[YELPS] Good God, woman.
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hi, Lois.
I just wanted to say I noticed
how your windows have been looking.
Windex is on aisle 9.
Wow. That's like the woman equivalent
of getting stabbed in the face.
Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.
You know, maybe you should
focus on your hydrangeas.
They're looking a little pale.
[SNIFFS] Hmmm. What interesting
perfume you've got on!
Nutmeg, clove, a little
bit of brown ginger?
I'd say that smells
like pumpkin spice latte,
but [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
that would be crazy.
[CHUCKLING] Well, Jamaican me crazy.
[SCOFFS] Embarrassing.
Coffee without creamer,
insulator sleeves,
pregnancy test?
That's for me.
Veronica from baby piano is late. Again.
That's why the rosary
beads are there too.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
It's you.
You're the coffee shop thief.
Shh! Okay, what do you
want? You want money?
I want in.
Otherwise, I can't guarantee
what I may or may not tell Joe.
All right, fine. But you
can't tell anyone else.
I'm very discreet.
I take every secret to my grave.
Like, for example, did you know
that Tom Hanks has a passion
for vintage typewriters?
Bonnie, I read that in Parade Magazine.
Well, they didn't hear it from me.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Give me the pumpkin spice latte.
I I'm sorry, but I don't
know what you're talking about.
I saw the bat signal.
We all did.
[GRUMBLES] Bonnie.
I know you have some. Give it to
me right now. I am filming you.
And I'm filming you because
this is how I deal with conflict.
And I'm filming you filming her
because I have a TikTok about
women who don't support women.
Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't
[WOMEN CHANTING] Pumpkin
spice! Pumpkin spice!
- Pumpkin spice!
- I borrowed this from my white husband.
Pack the bags, Donna.
Pack the bags, Neil.
Oh, no.
Pack the bags, Dennis.
- Mykonos?
- Well, we hadn't been in three weeks.
You get the mesh bag of sandals
and I'll get all our Greece greases.
[WOMEN CHANTING] Pumpkin
spice! Pumpkin spice!
Okay, okay.
We can get you all pumpkin
spice lattes tomorrow.
Okay, Meg. We got 24 hours
to replenish our supply.
Mom, what are you doing?
Don't worry, Meg. I know
exactly how we can monetize this.
I took the Bill Gates Masterclass.
I was never on Epstein's plane.
And if I was,
it just a routine flight for my charity.
But I wasn't.
Microsoft.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [LOIS] Password?
- Dressing on the side.
[EXHILARATING MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS] Ooh!
We accept cash, Venmo
or Etsy gift cards.
We prefer Etsy gift cards.
Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.
[WOMEN CHEERING]
There goes the neighborhood.
Hummingbird feeders and those
damn free libraries everywhere,
constant smell of banana bread.
Look at them. Eating
granola like it's cereal.
It's supposed to be
sprinkled on top of something.
It's too calorically dense, otherwise!
Tom's of Maine is owned by Colgate!
[WOMEN] Liar!
Look it up!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Seventh one this month.
Guys, we really need
to find some evidence
so I can have stuff to say
at the next press conference.
I knocked it out of the
park at the last one, and
people are expecting a lot.
I can't believe someone
would do something like this.
It's disgusting.
Starbucks is more than
just a coffee shop.
It's a place where people come together
and post flyers advertising
their bad improv shows.
By the way, can you come see my Malcolm
in the Giggle show next Wednesday?
I would, but I'm going
to a Gimprov show.
We're reclaiming that word.
We're looking for a
suggestion from the audience.
Does anyone have an occupation?
[JOE] Former acrobat.
Great. How about a location?
[JOE] C6, C7 between two vertebrae.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Fellas, I think we just
got a break in this case.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
This isn't for the case, but I'm
taking these napkins for my car.
The other day I had to drive
home blind after a wet sneeze.
There's a three-week
backlog at the lab.
Thought you might be able to help.
You've come to the right place.
I have a database of every
woman's foot in Quahog.
I call it The Footbook.
Drop the "The". It's cleaner.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah. Uh-huh.
[LAUGHING] You stop it right now.
Are you talking to the footprint?
The footprint and I are
having a conversation.
It's a little like Harry Potter.
The admirer doesn't choose the foot.
The foot has to choose the admirer.
Let me just cross reference.
- And, oh that's very sad.
- What?
It's a discontinued
Payless shoe from 2009.
A shoe so sad can only
belong to one woman.
[GASPS] Olivia Wilde?
She must be pretty sad.
Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie
the cast and crew worked so hard on.
- No Joe. It's Lois.
- By the way,
you could read more of my
movie reviews on my Letterboxd.
Did you know the cast of
Oppenheimer lived together
- while they were filming?
- Uh-huh.
Cillian Murphy spent a
lot of time on his own.
Kind of a lone wolf.
- Okay.
- Of course, by then
most of the cast had seen his penis.
You know that scene with Einstein?
Originally, they had
both their penises out.
Actors sometimes do that to
break down their emotional walls.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Thank God, he's gone.
I've been holding in a major fart.
[WHIRRING]
- [FARTS]
- [SIGHS]
Everything's hard for me, cat.
Thanks, Quagmire. This is
the smoking gun we needed.
- We're gonna nail Lois.
- Really?
Can Can I go first?
No. I mean, we got to
slap the cuffs on her
and throw her in the back of my car.
[EXCLAIMS]
Get her in her room and
drill her till she breaks.
[EXCLAIMING]
See how she likes it in the can.
[EXCLAIMS PASSIONATELY]
[EXPLOSION]
I'd like to see one of
those strong female attorneys
try to get her off.
[EXCLAIMS ENTHUSIASTICALLY]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHITTERS]
Everyone get in position.
- Roger that.
- Copy.
Jerry, please acknowledge.
He's not acknowledging. I'm going in.
Let's get this debutante ball started.
[WHIRRING]
[CHOMPING]
[HIGH-PITCHED STATIC]
Be professional, Jerry.
[SOFT CHOMPS]
- [GASPS]
- Hello.
I am a white woman named Kayhla,
and I spell that in a very
complicated way for zero reason.
Well, aren't you a cool glass of water?
Why don't you come on in for
a nonconsensual shoulder rub?
I just want to speak to your wife.
Wife? We've been drifting
apart for a long time.
So, is there a Mr. Kayhla?
There was. My husband was a wrestler.
His doctor told him he
couldn't wrestle anymore.
But he loved it so much
he wrestled one last time and died.
Telling him not to wrestle was
like telling him not to breathe.
That's so sad. That's,
literally, exactly
what happened to Mickey
Rourke in The Wrestler.
No, it's very different.
Unlike Mickey Rourke,
my husband's face was
completely disfigured
by too much plastic surgery.
Kayhla, you have got
to watch this movie.
It's so similar to your life.
Is Dad okay?
It's brain fog from
having Covid 12 times.
What do we do now?
Look, we always knew
this time would come.
Grab the pumpkin spice
from the garage and run.
[PETER] I'm sorry to be so forward.
It's just that you're,
literally, any woman
other than the one I'm allowed to have.
- [KISSES]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
[PETER GRUNTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Getting your own daughter involved?
You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.
[GASPS] Joe?
I'm sorry, Peter.
But for what it's worth, Kayhla
found you very attractive.
No. That's all right.
I'll just work out this sexual
confusion in my porn searches later.
[CHRIS] I have an account
if you wanna leave a comment.
[ANNOUNCER] Pornhub,
fun for the whole family.
[SWEEPING MUSIC
PLAYING OVER CAR RADIO]
Oh, my God. We're
like Thelma and Louise.
I've never felt so alive.
Meg, unpair your phone.
I'm driving. So we pair my phone.
Seriously? Ugh! Fine.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Go ahead.
I can't connect until
you disconnect your phone.
You have to forget device.
Go to settings, general,
network, Bluetooth, find "Car",
then hit "Forget my device".
Argh! We can't do it
while you're driving.
The car has to be stopped.
Siri, forget device.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Coming to you live.
We are in pursuit of two fugitives
identified in the gruesome
pumpkin spice latte robberies.
As you can see now, they're
headed down Route 95.
Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator
with the big bug on the roof.
Oh, Look. There it is.
They do a nice little job.
It appears they're slowing down.
[LOIS SCREAMING] Siri!
Forget my device!
[TOM] Yep. Just what I thought.
Classic Bluetooth-pairing problem.
Okay. It appears they were
able to safely pair the phone.
But it looks like the police
cruiser is pulling over
for similar reasons.
Listen, I don't know what they're
teaching you at the academy,
but this is day-one stuff.
Go to settings, general, network
Oh? You got an Android?
So you're the green
idiot on the group text.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Peter?
I can't find the remote.
Did you check under the table?
Yeah.
No. Hold on.
Okay, I found it. Thank you.
- [SIREN WAILING]
- [BOTH GASPING]
- [GRUNTS]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I'm sorry, Meg.
I never meant for things
to get so out of hand.
Me too, Mom.
But I gotta say,
I enjoyed spending time with you.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
Should we go out in a
blaze of eternal glory?
I'd like that very much.
Uh, can I get a vote?
I've been here since you went to Target
two days ago.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
I guess this all could have been avoided
if there was another seasonal beverage
that followed the pumpkin spice latte.
Well, there is the peppermint mocha,
but there's no comparison.
I mean, yeah, it has candy on top of
of rich peppermint cream
and basically tastes like
Christmas in a cup, but
[EXCLAIMING] Actually,
that doesn't sound that bad.
Are you [BLEEP] me?
Turn around!
- [BRAKES SCREECHING]
- It's too late.
I'm buckled in. This should be fine.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[CAR DOORS OPEN]
We've changed our minds!
Oh, we made emotional decisions!
Please save us, men!
We got 'em, boys.
I guess all that's left
is for the husband to give
an emotional press conference.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
It's time we forgive Kevin Spacey.
That will be my only
statement at this time.
[SOBBING] Thank you.
I already joined three prison gangs.
We got community service.
Yeah, I know.
I was getting ready just in case.
Joe told 'em about The Footbook.
Drop the "The". It's cleaner.
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]