Family Guy s24e03 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy ♪
Ha! What is this? It's incredible.
It's like, I mean, one
must presume the car
was on the way to eat
at home, but, you know,
because restaurants have a reputation
of convenience and deliciousness,
the driver was forced to veer
away, putting other drivers at risk.
But that just underscores how much
better restaurants are than home.
That's what makes it funny.
That's why we're all laughing.
Have you never seen a meme?
A meme? What the devil is that?
People take an image and put
some stupid little text on it
and think they're funny.
Memes are basically Mad
Libs for personality.
[CHUCKLES] Take it easy. They're free.
No, they take zero thought or
effort, like movies for Kevin Costner.
Okay, so your character's in a cowboy
hat looking way off in the distance.
What if it's just kind
of off in the distance?
Uh, sure. And you're
having a really hard time.
What if it's just kind of a hard time?
That should work. Oh, and
the leading lady is young,
but I'm guessing you
prefer kind of young?
Nah, I won't push back on that one.
Ah, never gonna have
a better opportunity.
Excuse me, sir. Okay,
you're out on the water.
Settle a bet between me and Cleveland.
Is the Little Mermaid black?
I don't know about that,
but I'm a Navy SEAL,
so I'm legally required to inform
you that I killed bin Laden.
If that's true, what's his first name?
Osama.
This guy's the real deal.
Do you think whales ate him by now?
Actually, based on where we dumped him
and the way the ocean historically
moves, he could be near Quahog.
Wait a minute. Guys,
if we got a boat and found bin Laden,
we could charge people five bucks
- to kick him in the balls.
- Or the butt.
Yeah, sure. Balls or butt.
- Who's in?
- In.
- In.
- In.
Thank you for your service.
Oh, I'm not a sailor.
I'm just a Brazilian guy
in my everyday clothes.
Oh. Then thank you for
your outside dancing.
It's nothing. I'll see you outside.
Samba, samba, samba.
Hey, Brian, are vegans known for like
always talking about being vegans?
Uh, yeah, I guess.
[CHUCKLES] Click on that.
This makes zero sense.
No, because vegans are always, like,
telling you they're vegan, right?
Okay.
And see, it says "nobody"
because, like, nobody asked, right?
But this guy, our
protagonist, he doesn't care.
No, no, he doesn't
care about the nobody.
He's just gonna jump on in
there and give you his two bits.
But like nobody asked, right?
That's why it says "nobody" up top.
Isn't that hilarious?
Yeah, I'm trying to work.
Yeah, I should get back to work, too.
Forwarding memes isn't work.
Well, the Internet begs to differ.
I'm getting a lot of likes on my posts.
They're not your posts.
You're not doing anything original.
Says the guy writing a
script called Barbie 3.
Yeah, because somebody's
probably already doing Barbie 2.
Yeah, I think we're doing
the same level of original.
[LAUGHS] Look at this one.
It It's based on the game,
"Rock, paper, scissors."
That's why it's funny. But this
baby, like, I'm already laughing.
Can you even?
- [SIGHS] So this was your idea?
- No.
- But you found the pictures?
- No.
Well, you must have
come up with the text.
No, but I knew the
perfect time to hit send.
That's what it's all about.
You didn't do anything.
No, no, Brian, it's like this.
The meme is the plane
and I'm the pilot, right?
So sometimes the plane
goes on autopilot.
But I'm still at the
controls drinking Diet Cokes.
So you're the autopilot of comedy?
I get you from not laughing Rhode
Island to laughing Rhode Island.
It takes one hour drive
diagonally across the entire state.
Oh, I should have said Texas.
You know, Lois said it's stupid
to look for bin Laden's corpse
because a drunk guy at a bar said to.
- But look at us!
- I'm getting kind of hungry.
What'd you bring for eats, Peter?
Wheat Thins and Costco muffins.
That's all guys need.
- Peter, that is a home run.
- Out of the park.
I was smiling as soon as you said it.
Lois looked sad when she saw the food.
No, it's good food. You did really good.
- Wives just want us to do what they want.
- Say less, King.
You know, it's so easy and
fun with you guys out here.
Sometimes I wish the
world was just guys.
[ALL SCREAM]
Oh, my God! We've been
struck by lightning!
I think I possibly took the brunt of it.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[ALL GASPING]
Oh, my God! The boat!
Yeah, we might be out here for a while,
so someone needs to
carry the conversation.
Did you guys know that Triscuit
is short for electric biscuit?
Also, there are no raccoons in Alaska.
Let's just all drown
quietly to ourselves.
[GROANING]
I'll start.
Joe was a true friend.
I'm gonna miss him so much.
And we should probably start
sorting out who's going after Bonnie.
Nice try, wisenheimers.
Joe! How'd you make it in?
My chair floats. How about you guys?
We clung to old graduation balloons
and one turtle who was
caught in the ribbon.
A little help with the ribbon?
We're not supposed to touch you,
because then your mom
won't take you back.
My mom died before America was formed.
Oh, yeah. You guys
live a long time, huh?
Yeah, I was in the turtle
brigade in the Civil War.
- Which side?
- Don't ask which side.
Does anybody's phone work?
- Nah.
- Nope.
Negative.
We need to find shelter for the night.
Oh, my God! A house!
Whoa!
It looks like a villain's lair.
Yeah, it's like RoboCop's beach
house from the '80s future.
Word of caution. If you run
around in socks in this place,
you are definitely slipping, my friends.
I'm zonked. I'm gonna crash.
Yeah, me too. I call the master bedroom.
It's called a primary bedroom now.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll be in
the bedroom primary-bating.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, one side of
a local news station,
falling into a sinkhole.
But first, wreckage from a Quahog boat
was just spotted a
few miles off the coast
of famous gay party spot, Fire Island.
[GASPS] I wonder if that's Peter's boat!
Damn! Right to voicemail.
[VOICEMAIL] Hey, this is Pete.
Single and ready to mingle.
- [BEEPS]
- [SIGHS]
[PANTING]
There we go. That ought to break
someone's ankle this summer.
Dogs and holes. Name a
more iconic duo. I'll wait.
- What?
- No, I'm just saying.
This is a mood.
How is this a mood? Elaborate.
No, I'm just saying
I was today years old
when I learned dogs are vindictive.
Why are you talking like that?
I'm in my meme phase, Brian.
When I can't see them, I talk like them.
My man talks like a Internet now.
Well, stop it. It's stupid.
Cranky writer upset at friends' fun.
Didn't have that on my 2026 bingo card.
Bingo card is so good! [LAUGHS]
What What What bingo
card? Show me the card.
Well, it's more about what's
not on the bingo card, so
Yeah, it's what's not on there, Brian.
Also, don't bingo cards just have
numbers and not entire phrases?
Yeah, you kind of you kind
of have to be funny to get it.
All right, I'm going in.
You're making no sense.
I think what you mean to say
is "The math ain't mathing.
Period. Full stop."
Yeah, you don't have to say full stop.
That's that's what a period is.
Yo, we talking about periods?
Let me let you in on a little
toothbrushing secret. Crest.
How is Crest a secret?
Shh.
This was all there was in the closet.
Yeah, same here. Do we look chic?
What's chic?
O-M-G! Look at all us chic ass boys.
I'll check on our phones.
Still nothing. I can't believe this.
Wait. Do you hear that?
[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY]
These must be the island natives.
They clearly have a proud culture
of music, dance and flavored vodka.
Wow. Everybody's just
doing what they like.
Those hefty bearded guys
are watching the Mets game.
And those shiny little jacked guys
are playing underwear volleyball.
Yeah. Everybody else is drinking,
dancing and horsing off in the pool.
Is it possible this is Kokomo?
It's checking too many boxes.
[GASPS] Wait, don't you see?
On the boat, I wished for
a world that was just guys.
And then we got struck by lightning.
I manifested this place into existence.
Come on. We gotta fit
in with the locals.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Our boat crashed here, and
we slept in a future house
with black toilets and white couches.
Julian. We all get to
the island in our own way.
But you're here and you belong.
Are there any women on the island?
Just one. Her name is Molly,
and she sits in your mouth.
Say "Hello, Molly."
Hello, Molly.
My God, it feels like Christmas morning.
On Fire Island, every day is Christmas.
Spike the drinks
with pills of Molly ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Midler, Bette, and Parton, Dolly ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Don we now our gay apparel ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Might just roofie Colin Farrell ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
With the ladies we don't bother ♪
Fa la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Give us Dua Lipa's father ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Bravo is our only cable ♪
Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
Eight mimosas for the table ♪
[ALL] Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪
And Pete Buttigieg.
Hey, Stewie. Wh What is all this?
My memes have been getting so much
attention that I got a book deal.
What? You just forward other
people's pictures and words.
Yes. The biggest reward for winning
new media is getting to do old media.
Drake meme here.
Boston cop slide meme here.
Willy Wonka here.
Kermit sipping tea here.
This is ridiculous!
You're not an author.
Yeah, that's not what
HarperCollins thinks.
[NOTIFICATION DINGS]
Either Harper or Collins just
sent a clip from my audio book.
We used Morgan. Don't
you just love Morgan?
[MORGAN FREEMAN] Chapter two.
We see Will Ferrell with a mustache.
The caption reads, "Me
shopping with my wife."
It looks to me like he'd
rather be anywhere else.
What a day. Riding bikes in town,
being so loud at restaurants
that people leave,
sending food back before we even saw it.
Thanks for taking us in.
Of course! We're a community here.
Everyone pulls weight and
helps in their own way.
A lot of us don't feel
supported in our regular lives.
That's exactly how I feel.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [GASPS]
My phone works!
Peter! You're alive!
Not only alive, I'm thriving
on a magic island I wished for.
And it's just guys who are nice.
I want you to meet
Timothy, Michael and Robert.
Hi, Tim, Mike and Rob.
No. For some reason, we
only use full names here.
It's like the only
thing we get mad about.
You're on Fire Island, Peter.
It's just a place for Wall Street guys
and regional weathermen to be gay.
Lois, you're embarrassing me.
None of these guys'
wives are calling them.
Peter, enough. You need to come home.
No, it's too fun here.
When dessert comes out, we
say we'll only have a bite,
but we have more than a bite.
Then we call Chef Mario a devil.
You know what happens when
you tell our secrets, Peter.
Don't do it! Don't do it, Timothy!
I'm gonna tickle you!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I'm starting to think
Chef Mario's not the devil.
You are, Timothy! [LAUGHS]
Peter's having a great time.
He's definitely not being
tickled too much. [LAUGHS]
I'm alive, I'm fine, and I'm staying.
Gotta go, Lois. I'm driving. Bye!
Dad's safe.
He's on Fire Island.
We haven't paid for anything yet.
Can we chip in for brunch?
Robert is tallying the weekend costs
so you can settle up all at once.
Oh, okay.
- Five thousand each should do it.
- [ALL GASP]
I I'm sorry. $5,000?
I didn't even have a bed.
Yeah! Slobs sleep on couches.
[GASPS, EXCLAIMS]
You guys owe 5,000, too?
No, I'm hot, so I don't have to pay.
I thought this was a community where
everyone takes care of each other.
Yeah, uggos pay for hotties.
Why should hot people pay?
That's gross.
Do you not have $5,000?
- No!
- Why?
Because I have a wife.
[ALL] Ew!
Perhaps there's another way we can pay.
Well, my house does need a new roof.
Perhaps something else?
Okay, I cut our debt in half,
but we got to get the
hell off this island.
I hope you have an escape plan, Peter.
Don't worry. We just got
to think outside the box.
That's how those guys came
up with the log flume ride.
All right, Madsen, I need a new
idea for a ride or you're fired.
Got it. Have you ever taken a bath
and wished you were going slowly uphill?
I think everyone has.
And you know how people
love to get soaking wet
and then not be able to
go home for five hours?
- Yeah.
- And don't you think
the second word in a ride should
be a word you've never heard before
in any other context?
Maybe. What's the word?
Flume.
Madsen, we're gonna be rich.
Thank you all for coming.
Sorry you had to watch me
whisper-fight my publicist
for getting the wrong tea.
[WHISPERING LOUDLY] Too late, Tiffany!
All right, chapter one.
So, women take a long time to get ready.
But this guy takes it way further.
- This skeleton, who starts presumably
-
as a regular human guy,
thinks his wife is almost ready.
Cut to him being a skeleton
and all of us laughing.
I love how he called
the guy a human guy.
Very quirky. Very funny.
[SLOW CLAPPING]
This isn't clever. And it's not comedy.
Brian, this is comedy now.
No, it's a shortcut for people who
aren't actually funny to seem funny.
Well, I like to think I'm capturing a
relatable feeling and sharing it with
You forward reheated sound-bite
leftovers to idiots
doing the same thing!
You're all idiots!
Congrats on your stolen comedy valor.
Uh, sir? This is a Wendy's.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- That's from online.
[GROWLING]
And this guy's done adulting.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So good! So good.
Okay, so the plan is when
they use the blender, we move.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Put on these rollerblades.
The next blender,
we're through the gate.
Those freeloaders are getting away!
Beach gays, activate!
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS, EXCLAIMS] My blades!
Eh.
Ow.
[FERRY HORN BLOWING]
Let's try to catch that ferry.
Weren't you trying to get away from us?
[LAUGHS] Julian, I meant the boat.
Sorry, I'm twisted.
YMCA occupation gays, activate!
[SCREAMS]
- [BOTH GROAN]
- Peter, the deer!
I already got bit by ticks.
[FERRY HORN BLOWING]
That's the last ferry of the day!
It's too far.
Wait, Peter,
do you still have that cocaine
locket that Julian gave you?
Yeah, but I wanted to save it for
a special night with my family.
Peter!
[SNIFFS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, my God! We made it!
- [FERRY HORN BLOWING]
- Bye! Have a fun trip.
Aren't you mad at us?
We're guys. We get over stuff fast.
Come back next summer for our PJ party.
We'll bring our families.
No, don't!
Don't bring them!
- [BRIAN] Morning, Stewie.
- [SWITCH FLICKS]
[GRUNTS] What is this?
What are you doing?
Well, I can't get you
to stop doing memes,
so this exorcism will rid you of them.
I won't recycle images from The
Office and add my own text to it.
I won't recycle
Oh, Bri, you sweet summer child.
This isn't going to work.
We have other ways.
Chris? But I thought
you were on my side.
Well, I'm Gen Z and loyal to no one.
Bet you didn't have
that on your bingo card.
- [WINCES] What is that?
- You're getting a loboto-meme.
When I flip the switch,
all memes will rush
into your brain and explode out of you.
No, please!
[GROANING]
It's working!
[IN DISTORTED VOICE]
First world problems.
Cringe.
Weird flex, but okay.
[SCREAMS]
Stewie, can you talk as yourself?
Am I am I doing it?
Oh, thank God! You're back.
I wonder where all those memes went.
[BLAND UNCLE] And this is
why we can't have nice things.
[BLAND AUNT LAUGHS] Where do
you come up with this stuff?
Home again, home again, giggity-gig.
Peter, I'm so happy you're home.
Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.
I guess I learned
that both men and women
are pretty bitchy
when money is involved.
Tha That's what you learned?
And that I'd rather get yelled at
by a woman than get yelled at by a guy.
Oh, a thousand percent. It's safer.
I love you, Lois.
Oh, Peter, I love you, too.
I'm glad you're home.
I thought you'd be more mad at me.
Oh, I could be mad and
have a dozen unopened jars
or forgive you, have you open
the jars and start my soup.
Start with the big Rao's one.
I will, Lois. Even though
that one always hurts my hand.
I'm just so happy to be
back in a world with women.
Good, because I had the
craziest dream last night,
and I'm gonna tell you all about it.
Okay. So follow me here.
It's complicated.
Here's $5,000. I want back in.
Sorry, Stewie. I just need to make
sure all that meme nonsense is done.
[NOTIFICATION DINGS]
See, he's smirking because he's so
proud of himself for ordering a pizza.
Funny, right?
No, not not funny or clever.
[SIGHS] Good to have you back, buddy.
Said no one.
It's funny because it's
just like ordering a pizza.
That expression is certainly too big
for just ordering food to a
place you usually wouldn't.
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]