Family Guy s24e04 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Ah! Sunday at The Clam.
No family. Just football,
farts and friends.
Hey, Jerome, could
you turn the volume up?
And nothing like a national ad with
mismatched local audio at the end.
[ANNOUNCER] The new Chevy Blazer.
All roads, all seasons. Go explore.
[ANNOUNCER 2 DISTORTED] Shop
our deals at Cerrone's Auto Barn.
Route one, Pawtucket.
[COMMENTATOR] And that'll do it.
Here from Denver where the
Patriots lose their fifth straight,
41 to six.
Ugh, I hate that people
in Denver get to be happy
the rest of the afternoon
while we have to be sad.
It's only two o'clock
there. Mountain time.
The man knows his zones.
The only good thing about the
game was listening to Tom Brady.
Yeah, it's fun having him in the booth.
Guys, he's doing the game
next week at Foxborough.
- We should go!
- I don't know.
The traffic on Route One is a nightmare.
I'll tell you what isn't
a nightmare on Route One.
[DISTORTED] The savings at
Cerrone's Auto Barn in Pawtucket.
You kind of heard the man. We're going.
[STEWIE] Brian! Treat!
Where is it? Where is it?
- I've been a good boy.
- Yeah, I don't have a treat.
I just need your help moving a mattress.
Don't do that! You have no idea!
Okay, whoa, jeez, whatever!
Anyway, Rupert has
somehow got his leg stuck
between the side of the
crib and the mattress.
[BRIAN] Looks like he's
also handcuffed to the bars.
Yeah, that's something else.
Let's focus on the mattress.
I need you to help me
move it so we can free him.
[GRUNTING]
What the deuce!
Brian, is that a built-in ashtray?
- Appears to be, yeah.
- How old is this crib?
Well, I think a lot of the stuff in here
is hand-me-downs from Meg and Chris.
And Peter and Lois before them.
Wait! Parents would smoke while
putting the baby down for a nap?
No, the baby would smoke
while the parents were at work.
This was before babysitters,
you gotta remember.
Ugh! I deserve better than
this white trash furniture!
Well, maybe the place could
use some freshening up.
You know what? I'll take you to IKEA.
What's that?
It's a furniture store
where people go to
eat meatballs and
argue with their wives.
Oh, right. That place near the airport.
Yeah, they're always near the airport.
And no other stores.
[SINGING] And the home of the ♪
Brave ♪
Uh-oh! I think she's
holding it until the flyover.
[CONTINUES SINGING NOTE]
Boy, they're really late today.
[CONTINUES SINGING NOTE, STRAINING]
- [GASPS]
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
[ALL CHEERING]
Greatest country in the world, right?
I'm gonna hold eye-contact
till you respond.
Oh, absolutely.
- Love it or leave it.
- Mmm
Chowder here, get your hot chowder!
Meg? What the hell are you doing here?
Well, every three years
vendor licenses expire.
So, every three years
there's a re-evaluation of
Shorter! Shorter story, Meg.
I applied for the job and I got it.
Yes! That is the exact length
of story that men wanna hear.
Please pass the word
amongst your people.
So who wants a creamy clam squirt?
Uh giggity?
Guys! Look at this!
There's Brady in the booth!
[INAUDIBLE]
God! He's gorgeous!
Yeah, I saw him earlier.
That's right where I refill my clam vat.
Wait, you saw him?
Let me smell your eyes!
Meg, you gotta get us in there!
I don't know. Security's pretty tight.
Oh, I can smooth talk celebrities.
You know, I used to be Eddie Murphy's
late night pizza and prostitute guy.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- Hello?
- Peter, I need two meat lovers.
Again. I need to know if you're
talking about pizzas or prostitutes.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, nevermind.
I want two Hawaiians.
And make sure they hot.
I feel like our system
isn't quite working, Edward.
God! This place is so crowded.
Who are all these people?
Mostly step-families furnishing the
lesser house they got after the divorce.
The second time around, you want
stuff that's not worth fighting over.
Oh, here we are. Kids' bedrooms.
Ooh! These are quite nice!
I feel like I'm in the Olympic
village of a not good country.
I like this bed, the Köksavfall.
Oh, sorry. That one's on back order.
But we could get it to
you in six to eight weeks.
Really?
Yeah, the one thing you want is always
the one thing that's out of stock.
That's the IKEA promise.
Sounds like more of a threat.
Uh, I think it sort of walks
the line nicely between the two.
Oh, and there's some assembly required.
- How much is some?
- All.
Okay, give us a moment.
That's fine. I'm quitting soon anyway.
[SIGHS] You know, Brian,
I just had a thought.
Instead of ordering
all this to our house,
we could just make this our house.
What do you mean? You wanna live here?
Well, think about it.
We could have a different
living room every night,
and a different kitchen every morning.
- I don't know.
- [GASPS] And, Brian, look at that!
A whole array of elevated dog bowls.
Wow! I won't have to lower my face
to the floor like some scumbag cat!
You know what? I'm in!
Excuse me, is this bed in stock?
What? I don't work here.
No, I know. I work here.
I just don't know anything.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [PLAYERS GRUNTING]
And that's the end of the third quarter.
We'll be right back after this
word from your local station.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Who is it?
- [PETER] Hi, yes,
we're the family of the people
murdered by Aaron Hernandez,
and we're here to collect
our signed football.
Oh, well, you deserve at least that!
Hey, Tom!
Oh, God! I don't know
what's happening! [GIGGLING]
So, Tom, what was your
favorite time zone to play in?
That was the question you were
fired up about in the elevator?
Oh, who are we kidding?
We can't lie to you, Tom.
We're just drunk men who get
burp-nervous when talking to our hero.
So [BURPS] 35 and 13
in the play-offs, huh?
Can we call security? Security!
Clear outta here, you knuckleheads!
I'm sorry. I told
them not to bother you.
Wow! Your forearms are massive.
Do you do resistance training?
No, but I do take a
Popeye class at Equinox.
Ha! Popeye!
That's one of the six pop
culture references I know.
I owe you for saving my butt.
You know, I'm in town for a few days.
Maybe I could take you
out for a cup of coffee
while I have a room-temperature
brown mushroom liquid.
Sounds great.
Ugh! Speaking of
room-temperature brown liquids
I gotta go lady-spatter
the mezzanine toilet.
You see, when vendors
have extra clam chowder
[PETER] Short Shorter story, Meg.
Oh, Meg, I am so proud of you!
A date with Tom Brady!
Okay, now, I know Tom Brady
is my favorite athlete,
but you are still my teenage daughter.
So I'll just say, if he's
doing hand stuff on you,
try and snap up a Super Bowl ring.
- Dad!
- Come on, Peter!
Come on, what? I'm
basing this on you, Lois!
Meg, you might not notice,
but your mom is basically like the
Little Shop of Horrors plant down there.
Guys, it's just coffee. It's
not like we're getting married.
[GASPS] Married to Tom Brady?
Wow! I'll finally have
a son I can be proud of!
[BELL CHIMES]
Hi, I'd like to tattoo the
word "whore" on my chest.
Getting back at your dad?
You saw the last scene, huh?
Yeah, big fan.
I actually tattoo a lot of pictures
of your little brother
on fat people's ankles.
Oh, you mean this guy?
[LAUGHING] Nice!
Ugh! I ate so much breakfast fish.
I'm worried I'm not going to
have room for my lunch fish.
I might go take a walk. See
where the arrows take me.
Yesterday they took me to art any
orthodontist would be proud to display.
Okay, sounds good.
I might go pretend write on
one of the cardboard computers
in one of the fake dens.
I like our life.
All right, Meg, you
have coffee with Tom.
I'm gonna steal somebody's phone
order and let them worry about it.
- Dozen for Rajiv!
- Yes, sir.
[ALL GASPING]
Whoa, holy crap! Tom Brady?
I, I gotta call my almost deaf brother.
[SHOUTING] Billy! Billy!
Billy, Tom Brady just walked
into our Dunkin' Donuts.
Tom Brady!
No, no, I'm not gonna
call him Benedict Arnold!
Billy, I'm not gonna
call him Benedict Arnold!
My brother, Billy, thinks
you're Benedict Arnold.
Well, New England will
always be home to me
is what I've been told to say.
- Hey, Meg.
- Hey, Mr. Brady.
Please. Mr. Brady is my
surprisingly unattractive father.
- Call me Tom.
- Okay, Tom
So, is it cool being back?
You're like a god around here.
In my playing days, maybe,
but now that I'm an announcer,
it's like starting all over again.
Only this time, I don't have
Coach Belichick talking in my ear.
It's easy.
All you have to do is watch the
game and relay what's happening.
Like if the middle line-backer
drops into deep coverage,
you know that you're
facing a Tampa 2 defense.
Wow! How does a pretty girl like
you know so much about football?
I'm a woman in New England.
I'm required to watch football,
but forbidden to speak during it.
Meg, I'd love to have you talking
into my earpiece during the game.
I really think you could
put me on the right track.
- I'd love that!
- Great!
Then we'll Ow! What the
[LAUGHS] Peter, I got
the ring, let's go!
Excuse me. Do you mind
if we try this sofa?
Uh, we're a shoes-off household.
Do you know if this sofa folds out?
Oh, so she wants to put
your mom on a sofa bed?
It's gonna be your bed in eight
months, if you're not careful.
Ah, this must be the dick-ish
baby from the Yelp review.
- You have to Yelp IKEA?
- Yep. It's definitely him.
Well, this team, really needs a
win tonight against the Cowboys.
Tom, give us your keys to the game.
The three keys tonight are
defense, defense, defense!
Then compliment his tie.
The three keys tonight are
defense, defense, defense.
Then compliment his tie.
Oh, thank you very much,
sir. My wife picked it out.
Okay, we'll work on the compliments.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Now, the Vikings' D-line is gonna
have their work cut out for them.
But remember, as Lou Holtz said
No one ever drowned in sweat.
Excellent point, Tom.
You're killing it!
Now, just do a lackluster
promo for a new Fox show.
Stick around after the game for
an all-new Animal Control on Fox.
Why watch limitless
free porn on your phone,
when you can see Joel
McHale try to catch a ferret?
Animal Control.
All right. Looks like we finally
got the place to ourselves.
- I call top bunk!
- I also call top bunk!
Wow! When the place is empty like this,
it's like we live in a mansion!
And do you know what people
who live in mansions do?
They host dinner parties.
You wanna host a dinner
party in the store?
Provided I can lose
nine pounds by Saturday.
You weigh eight pounds.
I didn't say it was going to be easy.
[SIGHS] Finally, I don't have to
be ashamed of where I live anymore.
This is my chance to ingratiate myself
to the movers and shaker of Quahog.
You mean "movers and shakers"?
No, Quahog is leaded with movers,
but it's only got the one shaker.
We'll set it for 8:05, after closing.
Driving is encouraged,
plenty of parking.
Look at us, Brian! It's just
what we always talked about.
I don't recall ever
having this conversation.
Yeah, you know living
in a store with your buddy!
Eating so much fish you feel crazy!
Yeah, we definitely
never talked about this,
but I'm also having a nice
time. Good night, Stewie.
[STEWIE] I bet we're having the best
time of anyone living in any store.
Well, time is running out in this game.
Which is a good thing because
I just got my period and I
have to get to the bathroom.
It's a crime scene down there.
Well, that's all tonight from Minnesota
as the Vikings hold on to
beat the Cowboys, 28 to 24.
And we're clear.
Great job tonight, Tom.
Wanna come get blackout drunk with me
in a second-tier American city
because we're sports announcers?
Sorry, I can't. I've got this date
with a Victoria's Secret model.
Oh! Are you guys getting serious?
No, I get with a different
model every night.
And I've kind of been hanging
out with this chick, Meg.
[OVER EARPIECE] But just
for her football knowledge.
- Is she hot?
- [TOM BRADY] No.
On a scale of one to 10, they have
to put her on a different scale
because she's like 200 pounds.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[CHRIS] Meg, you're missing an
all-new Animal Control on Fox!
And anyone of them could
be the last one ever!
Meg, are you okay?
[MEG] No, I'm not!
Tom Brady's been using me
for my football knowledge!
And I thought that he liked me.
But then I was listening
over the headphones
Shorter. These really
gotta be shorter, sweety.
- [MEG] Tom thinks I'm ugly.
- Okay, yeah, I can see that.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
[SIGHS]
All right. Our dinner party
guests should be here any minute.
Wait. How are they gonna
believe this is your house?
What about the store sign?
I just covered it with a giant banner.
Did you steal that from
the children's hospital?
People know about cancer.
Who's even coming to this thing?
Well, you know Orville Redenbacher?
We got his grandson, Josh.
Also M. Ron Hubbard,
the French president's
bizarrely older wife,
the gal who me-too'd Matt Lauer,
and of course, the
heiress, Agnes R. Thermos.
The heiress to what fortune
Oh, yeah. I think I got it.
Oh, no. It might be
all white people, Brian.
I think I screwed up.
Well, now you can't post a group shot.
Well, it wasn't on purpose.
Those are just the people I know!
Why do I feel bad for
getting my friends together?
- Oh, thank God!
- What?
Josh Redenbacher's girlfriend is Black.
Group photo, everyone!
[SCATTERED CHATTER]
You have such a lovely home,
and the layout is so interesting.
Well, every time we go on vacation,
we seem to come home
with another kitchen.
Brian, can I have a word?
It appears the French
president's wife left a
feces abnormale in the toilet
just off the third kitchen.
- So?
- There's no plumbing!
These toilets are just
sitting on the floor!
You know what? I'll, I'll handle it.
- [DINGING]
- Excuse me. Everyone, hi.
As you're enjoying you endive salad,
just a quick bit of housekeeping.
Feel free to use any one of
the 40 commodes on the premises.
But please note that we're
doing a one-and-done situation.
So only use one that
hasn't been previously used.
Wow! Individual toilets? How fancy!
My grandpa made popcorn.
Yes, Josh, you mentioned that.
[WHISPERS] Crisis averted!
If you'll excuse me, I'll
go check on our game hens.
Brian, may I have a word?
All right. So it seems that the game
hens I put in the oven six hours ago
are still solid blocks of ice.
Much like the toilets, the ovens appear
to be just objects on the ground.
Well, we could order food.
Uber Eats says Shake Shack could
be here in an hour and 45 minutes.
- Should I pull the trigger?
- Brian,
I'm on the verge of being invited
to summer at the Thermos
estate on Lake George.
I'll be damned if I'm going to let them
realize this isn't actually our home.
Stewie, darling, I hope
it's not an imposition,
but I invited my cousin,
Ingeborg, to join us.
She's just in town for
the weekend from Stockholm.
[SPEAKING SWEDISH]
Bri, we gotta kill this bitch.
Look at us, Lois. Finally empty nesters.
Which brings me to my next point.
I feel we've been
growing apart for years
and I wanna give it a go on
my own down at the marina.
Peter, we're not empty nesters.
Stewie is with Brian and Chris
bent down to pick up his phone.
The only one missing is Meg and
I am really worried about her.
You don't have to worry, Mom.
She's on her way to the Super
Bowl to ruin Tom Brady's life.
How do you know that?
It's in her diary. Take a look.
I don't wanna look at Meg's diarrhea!
No, her diary.
It's like a journal.
I thought diary was the
singular of diarrhea.
So The Diary Of Anne Frank was a book?
Oh, boy! I owe the Museum
of Tolerance an apology.
[MUFFLED]
[MUFFLED SPEAKING CONTINUES]
All right. I'd say she's neutralized.
Let's get back to the party.
All right. So we're just going
to go straight to the dessert,
which is vending machine
Reese's peanut butter cups.
Just take one and pass it down.
Reese's peanut butter cups?
- From Milan.
- Ooh.
- Fancy!
- Matt Lauer loves these!
Italy buys 16 metric
tons of popcorn per year!
[SIGHS] I don't have the context to know
if that's a lot or a little, Josh.
Well, I'd like to propose a toast
to our two gracious hosts
neither of whom I know.
Wait. Why is there a
price tag under this glass?
[MUFFLED]
Too bad, Agnes. We could've
had fun at Lake George.
I tried 40 sinks but
I can't wash my hands.
What's this room?
[STEWIE SIGHS]
[MUFFLED]
Should've just sat there
and ate your Reese's.
You know, Stewie, I can't talk to
Josh Redenbacher about crypto again.
Should we just call
it and get outta here?
Yeah, I already got the group photo.
Welcome to Super Sunday on Fox!
Tom, what do you think
about today's game?
Yeah, good.
Should be some football.
[WHISPERS] Come on, Meg. Where are you?
I'm in.
All right, Peter, we're
coming up on the stadium.
Thanks for doing this, Quagmire.
I gotta stop Meg before
she ruins Tom Brady's life.
No problem. Okay, here we go!
Jump in three, two Do you
have a lollipop in your mouth?
- So?
- No lollipops.
What are you, the lollipop police?
Geroni [CHOKING]
[COUGHS, SPITS]
Why did you let me do
that? I almost died!
Hey, Quagmire, have 'em open the dome.
[QUAGMIRE] They can't
open the dome, it's a dome!
Well, you've done all you can.
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS, GRUNTS]
Hey!
[STRAINING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh!
- [CROWD GASPS]
Oh, no, I landed on Bill
Belichick's girlfriend.
[CRYING] She's only a child!
[SOBBING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
And after this timeout,
the Chiefs are set up first
and goal from the five.
While we have this
break in the action
there's something important I wanna say.
Meg Griffin, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
This woman smells like hotdogs!
Stop! Meg! Don't ruin Tom Brady's life!
No, I gave my word.
And I've always viewed myself
as an honest and truthful guy.
Except for Deflategate, Spygate
and when I promised my wife I'd retire
and then played for seven more years.
So, yes, Meg, I will marry you.
Is this really happening?
Meg, you helped me
be a better announcer.
The least I can do is throw
away the rest of my life for you.
Aw
I go to bed at 7:00,
and I don't eat cheese.
Oh. But, I can eat cheese, right?
Nope. No cheese house.
[EXHALES] Who am I kidding?
I can't trap you into something
you don't wanna be a part of.
You've got the rest of your
weird life ahead of you!
Thank you, Meg. And I
really want you to know
Hey!
I got the Seahawks rings, Meg, let's go!
[ON TV] Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Two of Quahog's movers
and its only shaker
were found bound and gagged
at a local furniture
store earlier tonight.
Police suspect Matt
Lauer may be involved
as one of the victims
was his former accuser.
I'm honestly fine with that.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
- Oh, boy!
- What is it?
Apparently one Black
person's not enough.
Cleveland's dragging me on Instagram.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]