Family Guy s24e05 Episode Script
Dear Francis
1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who ♪
Positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Well, Lois, the Sox got destroyed.
But don't worry about me driving.
The cops don't have
jurisdiction over yards.
It's like international waters.
Lois?
[LOIS] Peter! In here!
Peter, I've been up
here for three hours!
Oh, this happens to me all the time.
The floor isn't lava.
That's just a show.
No, I saw a huge, disgusting
spider on the floor!
You should've heard her before,
going on and on about how she'd
definitely win on Survivor.
Pathetic.
Oh, God! Kill it before it
goes back behind the fridge!
Wait, wait, wait! Actually, don't.
Spiders are precious, for some
stupid reason that I can't remember.
Just Just put it outside!
Wow! [GIGGLES]
Who is this guy?
I know, right?
I was very brave for a boy my age.
No, Peter, I'm talking about that hat,
all turned around. [GROWLS]
You look like LL Cool
J when you do that.
Captain Patrick Zevo from Toys?
Ugh, Peter, your cultural
references are a mess.
Just toss the spider
and meet me upstairs.
Thanks for getting me sex, spider.
Now go, be free!
[SQUAWKS]
Aw, that's sad.
But at least whenever
a nature thing happens,
David Attenborough has to narrate it.
The spider becomes a tragedy
in nature's cruel circle.
Unmoved, the obese mammal returns
to his den for procreation.
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
No. Leave it on.
[LOIS GIGGLING]
[PETER] Oh, yeah, you like this hat?
[LOIS] Oh, Peter.
It's like I'm doin' the Linkin
Park guy who killed himself.
[PETER] Chester Bennington?
No, no, don't Don't say the name.
The name ruins it.
[PETER CHUCKLES]
[LOIS] Oh, Peter!
[LAUGHS] Oh, Peter!
Oh!
[PETER] Francis!
Did Did you just say "Francis"?
I don't know what I said,
Lois. It was the '90s!
It was ten seconds ago.
Oh, right. I'm just so used to
getting out of jams with that.
Peter, did you just yell out your dead
father's name while we were having sex?
Holy crap, I think you're right.
I guess I must have thought
about my old man, Francis,
for a second while we were doing it.
Wow.
So, where were we?
No, Peter, I just
I need a minute.
Leave the hat.
Hey, Peter. Wanna see a meme that
everyone but me saw ten years ago?
Look, now what color do
you think this dress is?
No thanks, Joe. Not in the mood.
There you go, boys.
Thanks, Frances!
You're the best, Frances!
Thank you kindly, Miss Frances.
If you need me, just yell my name.
That Frances sure is something else.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
Hey, Peter, what's the matter?
Well, Lois and I were havin'
drunk, backwards-hat sex last night,
and right in the middle,
I yelled out "Frances."
I was thinking about that new waitress.
Oh, boy.
But Lois thinks I meant
"Francis," as in my dead dad.
Well, I suppose that
was a fair assumption.
Your dad was pretty hot.
I should probably come clean, huh?
Just tell her that I wasn't
thinkin' about my dad,
but rather a very
attractive younger woman
who I often see in an
unsupervised setting,
and to whom I've often lied
and said I am unmarried.
Lois'll get it, right?
No way, Peter.
I saw gold. Some saw blue.
Yeah, you're much better off with Lois
thinking you yelled
out dead-dad-Francis.
As sick as that is.
As sick as that is,
than her knowing you were
thinking about hot-chick-Frances.
You guys are right.
I guess I can never tell Lois the truth.
But that's okay.
I'm not the first person
with a dirty sex secret.
Wow! I can see why they
call you Catherine the Great.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
And hey, do you mind not
telling your friends about this?
I mean, if this gets out,
it'll be the only thing
I'm remembered for.
Oh, for for sure.
Totally. I got you.
[HOOVES CLATTERING]
That better be the
sound of normal trotting
and not horse high-fives!
- It's normal trotting.
- [HORSE 2] Normal trotting.
- [HORSE 3] Normal trotting.
- [HORSE 4] I was in a parade!
[ANNOUNCER] We now return to
Wonka, starring Timothee Chalamet.
This Chalamet kid thinks he's
hot stuff now, but just wait.
He's gonna be one of those actors
who never takes his shirt off,
like Patrick Dempsey.
Yeah, I What?
I'm just saying, the guy
never takes his shirt off.
But Chalamet has taken his shirt off.
He takes his shirt
off now, but trust me,
in a few years, he's
gonna stop doing it.
Just like Dempsey.
So, are are you saying you
want him to take his shirt off?
No, I just Chalamet's just
I'm just saying, he's being
a total Patrick Dempsey.
- What?
- I don't know! He confuses me.
Peter, there you are.
Look, I need to talk to you
about what happened last night.
You know, saying "Francis."
I think you should see a therapist.
What? Why?
You might have some feelings about
your father that you
still need to process.
After all, you did fall off a
unicycle and crush him to death.
It sounds far-fetched, but
that's literally what happened.
Plus, he was always very distant.
Lois, I don't know what mental
health TikTok has led you to believe,
but I swear to you, it was
just your run-of-the-mill,
dead-dad-name-during-sex brain fart.
I'm totally fine!
Well, hold on there, Peter.
Therapy could do you worlds of good.
For example, thanks to my therapist,
I no longer need a bowl that says
"Good Boy" on it to
know that I'm a good boy.
Would I like one of those bowls?
Sure. But do I need it?
I don't know.
I
I don't know.
Fine, Peter, if you won't do therapy,
then maybe we can get to the
bottom of it with my tarot cards.
Okay, let's see
A Knife,
an Open Field,
and Lorena Bobbitt.
Ooh, I wonder if that means
Oh, no, no, I'll I'll
do the therapy, you win.
Wonderful.
This is a big step, Peter.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
Brian, what are all these Petco links?
I need the "Good Boy" bowl,
or I'm bad!
So basically, I realized that
there's some big feelings inside Peter
about his deceased father that
he's clearly trying to work through,
and that's why he's here today.
All right, well, with the
two minutes we have left,
maybe he can speak.
Peter, can you tell me
a bit about yourself?
Oh, boy. Uh, what is there to say?
I met an astronaut once.
Not a good one, not
one of the moon ones.
Now that I think of
it, was he an astronaut?
He may have been a firefighter.
You know what? He was a firefighter.
He had the day off on
9/11, that I remember.
And you know what? He
drove a Chevy Astro.
That's what was confusing me.
But to sum up, met a
firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro,
didn't help on 9/11.
Uh Oh, and I guess
I wanna bang my dad.
Hmm, interesting.
May I see a picture?
Oh, wow.
And do you have any
shirtless pictures of him,
- or was he more of a Patrick Dempsey?
- What?
Total Dempsey. Zero
shirtless pics post 40.
I see. Well, this is very serious.
This kind of outburst suggests
major unresolved feelings
surrounding your father,
as well as around your
role as a father yourself.
Called it!
For starters, you'll need to
build much stronger relationships
with your own children.
That'll be the first step
towards finding closure.
Ugh, just tell me the absolute
least I'm allowed to do,
and I promise I will almost do it.
No, Peter.
You'll need to treat this
like a second full-time job,
where nobody pays you, and your
family members are all your boss.
Perfect. Thank you, Doctor.
We'll get right to work.
I stored my number, in
case you need to reach me.
I've also signed you up for
my joke-of-the-week newsletter.
Oh, hmm, okay. I'd
like to opt out of that.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I bet you would.
Oh, and Peter, before
I forget, are you just
gay?
- I'm not gay.
- Okay.
You'd be surprised
how often that happens.
Twenty minutes in, we figure
that out and boom, we're done.
Kids, we have an announcement.
Your dad is on a journey to
deal with his father issues.
So, as part of his treatment,
he'll be spending some
quality time with each of you.
And just as a goof,
I think we should all do name tags.
Is this gonna be stuff you
wanna do, or stuff we wanna do?
It's gonna be whatever's
funniest, chief.
Unsubscribe.
Chris, this isn't the
Internet, it's our kitchen.
Downvote.
Oh, man, I can think of
so many fun things we
could do. Go to the park
Yeah, this is gonna be real family only.
Your last name is more
of a courtesy thing.
Chris, again, this is not a comput
[CHRIS] Sorry. I mighta
clicked some spyware.
You seem busy. I'll leave you to it.
All right, I guess I'm supposed to
do whatever it is you like to do.
Well, what'll it be?
Dressing up dolls? Braiding hair?
[CLUCKING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Get 'im, Pecky! Peck
his little eyes out!
Meg, I can't tell if these people
are very poor, or very, very rich.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] Meg, who
is this fat, roosterless man?
To you, no one.
You never saw him.
Now laugh like I just
made a joke, and walk away.
[LAUGHS]
Laugh harder!
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
what's new in your life?
Not much.
I guess I'm just really upset people
are paying so much for home insurance.
What?
I've heard anecdotally
that places like Allstate
are charging $2,000-$3,000
more than State Farm.
Is that true?
In the unreliable anecdotal
world, yes, it's very true.
Chris, are you working for State Farm?
I'm not working for State Farm,
I'm having the time of
my life for State Farm.
Yeah, listen, I'm not really
looking to buy insurance.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that, Mrs. Griffin.
Is Mr. Griffin available?
Okay, I'm supposed to
read you a bedtime story,
but all your stories are lame,
so instead, I'm readin'
the Applebee's menu.
"Chapter One: Sizzlin' Starters."
This is why doctors
call your cholesterol
level "clinically impossible".
[CHUCKLES] This is a good menu.
You can tell by how laminated it is.
If it's possible to
wet the menu in any way,
you have failed as a restaurant.
Oh, God, he's not even
reading it. He's just riffing.
We're gonna skip the salad chapter,
but it doesn't affect the story at all.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
I tell ya, if you have a Waterpik,
you basically have a bidet.
Anyway, it was good
connecting with the kids.
Oh, that's great, honey.
Yeah, I think it meant
a lot to them, too.
Yeah, that that fat one,
the the other one, the
the girl, I wanna say?
Nobody did name tags.
I think they thought I was
joking. I wasn't joking.
But in any case, yeah,
I think I'm cured now.
Ah, not so fast, Peter.
You know, I've been
texting with the therapist.
- You have?
- Yeah.
Ignore the penis pictures.
He said he sent them by
mistake, unless I liked them.
Okay, here we go.
Dr. Snelling says,
"Peter needs to write a
letter to his dead father
"to help him properly
grieve and move on."
But won't a letter make me sleepy?
My point is, Peter,
that the hard work has only just begun.
Tomorrow, I think we should take
the whole family to your father's grave
so you can read the letter to him.
Doesn't that sound healing?
It does.
And it doesn't.
I mean, it does and it doesn't.
It doesn't.
I think this is gonna be
very cathartic for you, Peter.
There's Grandpa.
"It's all gravy, baby"?
Oh, yeah, he never said that.
He was dead, so I told the
tombstone guy to go nuts.
We were just laughin' and laughin'.
We are losing sight of the
purpose for today's visit,
which is for Peter to read
a letter to his dead father.
I didn't write the letter.
Ugh, what is the point of
spending $40 for mini-mall therapy
if you're not gonna do the work?
Just Just say something.
And, kids, come on, let's
let's give your father some space.
Okay.
Apples and pears, apples and pears.
Sibilance. Sibilance.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[BEEPS]
Peter! Come to the Clam, quick!
Frances lost a bet and she's
Coyote Ugly-ing on the bar!
And three-time People's Choice
Award winner Patrick Dempsey is here!
Uh-oh! Those T-shirts are
clinging on something terrible.
But what are they gonna do about it?
Ready, Patrick?
Ready, Frances.
No! My phone is dead?
Dead!
[CRYING]
Wow! Would you look at
that? A breakthrough!
I, and to a far lesser
extent, Peter, did it!
I guess nobody's gonna mention my suit.
Well, Meg, this was a very inappropriate
time to call shotgun on your father,
but Peter, we are all very proud of you.
You finally let yourself grieve.
Thanks, and all good about the shotgun.
I'll just kick her seat
every three seconds.
Dad, I'm just glad you're feeling
better, and we all love you.
Yeah, way to go, Dad!
Thanks, guys.
I feel like I've done the work.
You sure have.
And as a reward, we have
one last surprise for you.
You do?
Ah, crap.
Isn't this great?
Your whole family at
your favorite place.
This is, like,
undoubtedly my future, huh?
Yeah. You'll probably go to Arizona for
a year or two, but you'll be back.
It'll be too much.
So, do we order with
a waitress here, or
No, no! Let me handle this. Jerome!
I would like to make an
anonymous bomb threat.
Peter, for the last time,
that doesn't work face-to-face.
How about now?
Oh, here's someone.
Miss! Hi.
A round of drinks for my
wonderful, cured husband!
Oh, hey there!
Peter, I didn't know you had a family.
[JEROME] Frances! We need
silverware for table four.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROWLS]
Dad?
Let me get this straight.
You only hung out with us
in order to not have to confess to Mom
that you weren't actually shouting out
Grandpa's name during sex,
but rather, the name of a woman
to whom you are not married?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa there, Chris.
That is exactly right.
All that big work on yourself
I thought you were doing.
Peter, this is a new low.
Yeah, I can't even look at you.
Come on, kids. We're leaving.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the sounds you're gonna hear as
I angrily slide out are the vinyl seats,
not farts.
[VINYL SQUEAKING]
Don't bother coming home tonight.
[FARTS]
She was way out of the
booth for that last one.
Not gonna sugarcoat it,
Peter. That was brutal.
Well, I guess I gotta
get my family back.
You know, Bon's been making some
great sea glass jewelry lately.
Great way to say you're sorry,
with some sad-hobby sea glass.
No thanks, Joe.
I know just what I gotta do.
I just need a boombox
and some Peter Gabriel.
Tell you what, Joe, I
will buy Bonnie's sea glass
in exchange for you purchasing 60
bottles of Donna's Tahitian Noni Juice.
Let's do it. We gotta keep 'em happy.
This is a sad little micro-economy
we've created to stay married.
["SCARFACE (PUSH I
TO THE LIMIT)" PLAYING]
Push it to the limit ♪
Walk along the razor's edge ♪
But don't look down,
just keep your head ♪
Or you'll be finished ♪
Open up the limit ♪
Past the point of no return ♪
You've reached the top ♪
But still you gotta learn ♪
How to keep it ♪
Hit the wheel and double the stakes ♪
Throttle wide open
like a bat out of hell ♪
You crash the gates ♪
Crash the gates ♪
Going for the back of beyond ♪
Nothing gonna stop you ♪
There's nothing that strong ♪
So close now, you're
nearly at the brink ♪
So, push it. Ooh, yeah ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[BOINGING]
[DOG BARKING]
[WHISTLE GLISSANDO PLAYING]
Peter, what are you doing?
I'm doing Say Anything,
but that Peter Gabriel
song is too expensive,
so this is "1,001 Wacky Sound Effects."
[HORN HONKS, SPRING BOINGS]
You see Dad's quivering delts?
That's why we don't skip delts day.
What do you think, Lois?
I hate it.
That's okay, that's okay.
What about the butt kite?
The butt kite makes it worse!
It's an egregious waste of tickets!
[SIGHS]
Don't sit under the apple tree ♪
Leave me alone.
Anyone else but me ♪
I guess we both struck out.
Yeah. Would you mind driving
me to a series of appointments?
Sorry, the couch doesn't pull out.
Giggity. But seriously,
you're You're gonna sleep bad.
It's okay.
Thanks for letting me
stay here, Quagmire.
No problem. Just know a woman's
coming over later to hurt me,
and I didn't pay her to hurt you, too.
But if you wanna pitch
in, like, 15 bucks,
she could probably
noogie you on the way out.
Aw, that's nice.
Peter, Lois is only gonna
forgive you if you man up,
and you actually do the work.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh! My escort's here.
Ni ha Ow!
And we're on the clock.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
So, are you gonna
apologize to me or what?
That's not what we're doing, Peter.
Oh, right. For once, it's on me.
- I'm shutting the door now.
- Wait.
I've got something to say.
I wrote that letter to
my dad, like you wanted.
You You did?
"Dear Dad "
This first paragraph is mostly questions
about what it's like being a ghost,
so I'll skip down a bit.
"Dad, if there's one thing I
never got to say to you, it's this.
You had a massive blackhead on
your cheek for most of my childhood.
I don't know how you didn't see it.
What I'm getting at is,
you were a pretty crappy father.
I could never make you proud,
even when I broke into Nancy Pelosi's
office and put my feet up on the desk,
just like we always joked about doin'.
I knew it wouldn't be enough.
And I realize now that
I never want to be that kind of dad.
I'm not perfect,
but I'll always be
proud of my idiot kids.
So, turns out the
one thing you did right
was showing me the kind of dad
and husband I don't want to be.
So, goodbye, Dad.
I hope I'm better than you.
But also, please answer
my ghost questions. Amen."
Peter, you did it.
You actually did the work.
I love you, Lois.
I love you too, Peter.
Sorry I yelled the hot lady's name.
Oh, it's all right.
If it makes you feel
better, when we're doing it,
I'm mostly thinking
about Chris Hemsworth.
Is that why you whispered
"Chris" that one time?
I thought you just meant our son.
Aw, now I'm upset.
Well, it's good to be
livin' at home again.
But I appreciate you letting
me stay with you, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter.
By the way, you left your
Minions pajamas at my place.
Keep 'em. Lois says I'm
not supposed to wear them
'cause they keep me
up laughing too much.
Thanks, Jerome.
Hey, what ever happened to Frances?
I don't know. She just suddenly
stopped coming in to work last week.
There you go, Frances.
Jerome told us it was your dream
to go to nursing school, so go!
Uh, I wanted to be a tattoo artist.
Eh, tattoo artist, nurse,
it's all gravy, baby!
Gun it, Bon!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SHIVERING]
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who ♪
Positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
Well, Lois, the Sox got destroyed.
But don't worry about me driving.
The cops don't have
jurisdiction over yards.
It's like international waters.
Lois?
[LOIS] Peter! In here!
Peter, I've been up
here for three hours!
Oh, this happens to me all the time.
The floor isn't lava.
That's just a show.
No, I saw a huge, disgusting
spider on the floor!
You should've heard her before,
going on and on about how she'd
definitely win on Survivor.
Pathetic.
Oh, God! Kill it before it
goes back behind the fridge!
Wait, wait, wait! Actually, don't.
Spiders are precious, for some
stupid reason that I can't remember.
Just Just put it outside!
Wow! [GIGGLES]
Who is this guy?
I know, right?
I was very brave for a boy my age.
No, Peter, I'm talking about that hat,
all turned around. [GROWLS]
You look like LL Cool
J when you do that.
Captain Patrick Zevo from Toys?
Ugh, Peter, your cultural
references are a mess.
Just toss the spider
and meet me upstairs.
Thanks for getting me sex, spider.
Now go, be free!
[SQUAWKS]
Aw, that's sad.
But at least whenever
a nature thing happens,
David Attenborough has to narrate it.
The spider becomes a tragedy
in nature's cruel circle.
Unmoved, the obese mammal returns
to his den for procreation.
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
No. Leave it on.
[LOIS GIGGLING]
[PETER] Oh, yeah, you like this hat?
[LOIS] Oh, Peter.
It's like I'm doin' the Linkin
Park guy who killed himself.
[PETER] Chester Bennington?
No, no, don't Don't say the name.
The name ruins it.
[PETER CHUCKLES]
[LOIS] Oh, Peter!
[LAUGHS] Oh, Peter!
Oh!
[PETER] Francis!
Did Did you just say "Francis"?
I don't know what I said,
Lois. It was the '90s!
It was ten seconds ago.
Oh, right. I'm just so used to
getting out of jams with that.
Peter, did you just yell out your dead
father's name while we were having sex?
Holy crap, I think you're right.
I guess I must have thought
about my old man, Francis,
for a second while we were doing it.
Wow.
So, where were we?
No, Peter, I just
I need a minute.
Leave the hat.
Hey, Peter. Wanna see a meme that
everyone but me saw ten years ago?
Look, now what color do
you think this dress is?
No thanks, Joe. Not in the mood.
There you go, boys.
Thanks, Frances!
You're the best, Frances!
Thank you kindly, Miss Frances.
If you need me, just yell my name.
That Frances sure is something else.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
Hey, Peter, what's the matter?
Well, Lois and I were havin'
drunk, backwards-hat sex last night,
and right in the middle,
I yelled out "Frances."
I was thinking about that new waitress.
Oh, boy.
But Lois thinks I meant
"Francis," as in my dead dad.
Well, I suppose that
was a fair assumption.
Your dad was pretty hot.
I should probably come clean, huh?
Just tell her that I wasn't
thinkin' about my dad,
but rather a very
attractive younger woman
who I often see in an
unsupervised setting,
and to whom I've often lied
and said I am unmarried.
Lois'll get it, right?
No way, Peter.
I saw gold. Some saw blue.
Yeah, you're much better off with Lois
thinking you yelled
out dead-dad-Francis.
As sick as that is.
As sick as that is,
than her knowing you were
thinking about hot-chick-Frances.
You guys are right.
I guess I can never tell Lois the truth.
But that's okay.
I'm not the first person
with a dirty sex secret.
Wow! I can see why they
call you Catherine the Great.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
And hey, do you mind not
telling your friends about this?
I mean, if this gets out,
it'll be the only thing
I'm remembered for.
Oh, for for sure.
Totally. I got you.
[HOOVES CLATTERING]
That better be the
sound of normal trotting
and not horse high-fives!
- It's normal trotting.
- [HORSE 2] Normal trotting.
- [HORSE 3] Normal trotting.
- [HORSE 4] I was in a parade!
[ANNOUNCER] We now return to
Wonka, starring Timothee Chalamet.
This Chalamet kid thinks he's
hot stuff now, but just wait.
He's gonna be one of those actors
who never takes his shirt off,
like Patrick Dempsey.
Yeah, I What?
I'm just saying, the guy
never takes his shirt off.
But Chalamet has taken his shirt off.
He takes his shirt
off now, but trust me,
in a few years, he's
gonna stop doing it.
Just like Dempsey.
So, are are you saying you
want him to take his shirt off?
No, I just Chalamet's just
I'm just saying, he's being
a total Patrick Dempsey.
- What?
- I don't know! He confuses me.
Peter, there you are.
Look, I need to talk to you
about what happened last night.
You know, saying "Francis."
I think you should see a therapist.
What? Why?
You might have some feelings about
your father that you
still need to process.
After all, you did fall off a
unicycle and crush him to death.
It sounds far-fetched, but
that's literally what happened.
Plus, he was always very distant.
Lois, I don't know what mental
health TikTok has led you to believe,
but I swear to you, it was
just your run-of-the-mill,
dead-dad-name-during-sex brain fart.
I'm totally fine!
Well, hold on there, Peter.
Therapy could do you worlds of good.
For example, thanks to my therapist,
I no longer need a bowl that says
"Good Boy" on it to
know that I'm a good boy.
Would I like one of those bowls?
Sure. But do I need it?
I don't know.
I
I don't know.
Fine, Peter, if you won't do therapy,
then maybe we can get to the
bottom of it with my tarot cards.
Okay, let's see
A Knife,
an Open Field,
and Lorena Bobbitt.
Ooh, I wonder if that means
Oh, no, no, I'll I'll
do the therapy, you win.
Wonderful.
This is a big step, Peter.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
Brian, what are all these Petco links?
I need the "Good Boy" bowl,
or I'm bad!
So basically, I realized that
there's some big feelings inside Peter
about his deceased father that
he's clearly trying to work through,
and that's why he's here today.
All right, well, with the
two minutes we have left,
maybe he can speak.
Peter, can you tell me
a bit about yourself?
Oh, boy. Uh, what is there to say?
I met an astronaut once.
Not a good one, not
one of the moon ones.
Now that I think of
it, was he an astronaut?
He may have been a firefighter.
You know what? He was a firefighter.
He had the day off on
9/11, that I remember.
And you know what? He
drove a Chevy Astro.
That's what was confusing me.
But to sum up, met a
firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro,
didn't help on 9/11.
Uh Oh, and I guess
I wanna bang my dad.
Hmm, interesting.
May I see a picture?
Oh, wow.
And do you have any
shirtless pictures of him,
- or was he more of a Patrick Dempsey?
- What?
Total Dempsey. Zero
shirtless pics post 40.
I see. Well, this is very serious.
This kind of outburst suggests
major unresolved feelings
surrounding your father,
as well as around your
role as a father yourself.
Called it!
For starters, you'll need to
build much stronger relationships
with your own children.
That'll be the first step
towards finding closure.
Ugh, just tell me the absolute
least I'm allowed to do,
and I promise I will almost do it.
No, Peter.
You'll need to treat this
like a second full-time job,
where nobody pays you, and your
family members are all your boss.
Perfect. Thank you, Doctor.
We'll get right to work.
I stored my number, in
case you need to reach me.
I've also signed you up for
my joke-of-the-week newsletter.
Oh, hmm, okay. I'd
like to opt out of that.
[LAUGHS] Yes, I bet you would.
Oh, and Peter, before
I forget, are you just
gay?
- I'm not gay.
- Okay.
You'd be surprised
how often that happens.
Twenty minutes in, we figure
that out and boom, we're done.
Kids, we have an announcement.
Your dad is on a journey to
deal with his father issues.
So, as part of his treatment,
he'll be spending some
quality time with each of you.
And just as a goof,
I think we should all do name tags.
Is this gonna be stuff you
wanna do, or stuff we wanna do?
It's gonna be whatever's
funniest, chief.
Unsubscribe.
Chris, this isn't the
Internet, it's our kitchen.
Downvote.
Oh, man, I can think of
so many fun things we
could do. Go to the park
Yeah, this is gonna be real family only.
Your last name is more
of a courtesy thing.
Chris, again, this is not a comput
[CHRIS] Sorry. I mighta
clicked some spyware.
You seem busy. I'll leave you to it.
All right, I guess I'm supposed to
do whatever it is you like to do.
Well, what'll it be?
Dressing up dolls? Braiding hair?
[CLUCKING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Get 'im, Pecky! Peck
his little eyes out!
Meg, I can't tell if these people
are very poor, or very, very rich.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] Meg, who
is this fat, roosterless man?
To you, no one.
You never saw him.
Now laugh like I just
made a joke, and walk away.
[LAUGHS]
Laugh harder!
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
what's new in your life?
Not much.
I guess I'm just really upset people
are paying so much for home insurance.
What?
I've heard anecdotally
that places like Allstate
are charging $2,000-$3,000
more than State Farm.
Is that true?
In the unreliable anecdotal
world, yes, it's very true.
Chris, are you working for State Farm?
I'm not working for State Farm,
I'm having the time of
my life for State Farm.
Yeah, listen, I'm not really
looking to buy insurance.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that, Mrs. Griffin.
Is Mr. Griffin available?
Okay, I'm supposed to
read you a bedtime story,
but all your stories are lame,
so instead, I'm readin'
the Applebee's menu.
"Chapter One: Sizzlin' Starters."
This is why doctors
call your cholesterol
level "clinically impossible".
[CHUCKLES] This is a good menu.
You can tell by how laminated it is.
If it's possible to
wet the menu in any way,
you have failed as a restaurant.
Oh, God, he's not even
reading it. He's just riffing.
We're gonna skip the salad chapter,
but it doesn't affect the story at all.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
I tell ya, if you have a Waterpik,
you basically have a bidet.
Anyway, it was good
connecting with the kids.
Oh, that's great, honey.
Yeah, I think it meant
a lot to them, too.
Yeah, that that fat one,
the the other one, the
the girl, I wanna say?
Nobody did name tags.
I think they thought I was
joking. I wasn't joking.
But in any case, yeah,
I think I'm cured now.
Ah, not so fast, Peter.
You know, I've been
texting with the therapist.
- You have?
- Yeah.
Ignore the penis pictures.
He said he sent them by
mistake, unless I liked them.
Okay, here we go.
Dr. Snelling says,
"Peter needs to write a
letter to his dead father
"to help him properly
grieve and move on."
But won't a letter make me sleepy?
My point is, Peter,
that the hard work has only just begun.
Tomorrow, I think we should take
the whole family to your father's grave
so you can read the letter to him.
Doesn't that sound healing?
It does.
And it doesn't.
I mean, it does and it doesn't.
It doesn't.
I think this is gonna be
very cathartic for you, Peter.
There's Grandpa.
"It's all gravy, baby"?
Oh, yeah, he never said that.
He was dead, so I told the
tombstone guy to go nuts.
We were just laughin' and laughin'.
We are losing sight of the
purpose for today's visit,
which is for Peter to read
a letter to his dead father.
I didn't write the letter.
Ugh, what is the point of
spending $40 for mini-mall therapy
if you're not gonna do the work?
Just Just say something.
And, kids, come on, let's
let's give your father some space.
Okay.
Apples and pears, apples and pears.
Sibilance. Sibilance.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[BEEPS]
Peter! Come to the Clam, quick!
Frances lost a bet and she's
Coyote Ugly-ing on the bar!
And three-time People's Choice
Award winner Patrick Dempsey is here!
Uh-oh! Those T-shirts are
clinging on something terrible.
But what are they gonna do about it?
Ready, Patrick?
Ready, Frances.
No! My phone is dead?
Dead!
[CRYING]
Wow! Would you look at
that? A breakthrough!
I, and to a far lesser
extent, Peter, did it!
I guess nobody's gonna mention my suit.
Well, Meg, this was a very inappropriate
time to call shotgun on your father,
but Peter, we are all very proud of you.
You finally let yourself grieve.
Thanks, and all good about the shotgun.
I'll just kick her seat
every three seconds.
Dad, I'm just glad you're feeling
better, and we all love you.
Yeah, way to go, Dad!
Thanks, guys.
I feel like I've done the work.
You sure have.
And as a reward, we have
one last surprise for you.
You do?
Ah, crap.
Isn't this great?
Your whole family at
your favorite place.
This is, like,
undoubtedly my future, huh?
Yeah. You'll probably go to Arizona for
a year or two, but you'll be back.
It'll be too much.
So, do we order with
a waitress here, or
No, no! Let me handle this. Jerome!
I would like to make an
anonymous bomb threat.
Peter, for the last time,
that doesn't work face-to-face.
How about now?
Oh, here's someone.
Miss! Hi.
A round of drinks for my
wonderful, cured husband!
Oh, hey there!
Peter, I didn't know you had a family.
[JEROME] Frances! We need
silverware for table four.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROWLS]
Dad?
Let me get this straight.
You only hung out with us
in order to not have to confess to Mom
that you weren't actually shouting out
Grandpa's name during sex,
but rather, the name of a woman
to whom you are not married?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa there, Chris.
That is exactly right.
All that big work on yourself
I thought you were doing.
Peter, this is a new low.
Yeah, I can't even look at you.
Come on, kids. We're leaving.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the sounds you're gonna hear as
I angrily slide out are the vinyl seats,
not farts.
[VINYL SQUEAKING]
Don't bother coming home tonight.
[FARTS]
She was way out of the
booth for that last one.
Not gonna sugarcoat it,
Peter. That was brutal.
Well, I guess I gotta
get my family back.
You know, Bon's been making some
great sea glass jewelry lately.
Great way to say you're sorry,
with some sad-hobby sea glass.
No thanks, Joe.
I know just what I gotta do.
I just need a boombox
and some Peter Gabriel.
Tell you what, Joe, I
will buy Bonnie's sea glass
in exchange for you purchasing 60
bottles of Donna's Tahitian Noni Juice.
Let's do it. We gotta keep 'em happy.
This is a sad little micro-economy
we've created to stay married.
["SCARFACE (PUSH I
TO THE LIMIT)" PLAYING]
Push it to the limit ♪
Walk along the razor's edge ♪
But don't look down,
just keep your head ♪
Or you'll be finished ♪
Open up the limit ♪
Past the point of no return ♪
You've reached the top ♪
But still you gotta learn ♪
How to keep it ♪
Hit the wheel and double the stakes ♪
Throttle wide open
like a bat out of hell ♪
You crash the gates ♪
Crash the gates ♪
Going for the back of beyond ♪
Nothing gonna stop you ♪
There's nothing that strong ♪
So close now, you're
nearly at the brink ♪
So, push it. Ooh, yeah ♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[BOINGING]
[DOG BARKING]
[WHISTLE GLISSANDO PLAYING]
Peter, what are you doing?
I'm doing Say Anything,
but that Peter Gabriel
song is too expensive,
so this is "1,001 Wacky Sound Effects."
[HORN HONKS, SPRING BOINGS]
You see Dad's quivering delts?
That's why we don't skip delts day.
What do you think, Lois?
I hate it.
That's okay, that's okay.
What about the butt kite?
The butt kite makes it worse!
It's an egregious waste of tickets!
[SIGHS]
Don't sit under the apple tree ♪
Leave me alone.
Anyone else but me ♪
I guess we both struck out.
Yeah. Would you mind driving
me to a series of appointments?
Sorry, the couch doesn't pull out.
Giggity. But seriously,
you're You're gonna sleep bad.
It's okay.
Thanks for letting me
stay here, Quagmire.
No problem. Just know a woman's
coming over later to hurt me,
and I didn't pay her to hurt you, too.
But if you wanna pitch
in, like, 15 bucks,
she could probably
noogie you on the way out.
Aw, that's nice.
Peter, Lois is only gonna
forgive you if you man up,
and you actually do the work.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh! My escort's here.
Ni ha Ow!
And we're on the clock.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
So, are you gonna
apologize to me or what?
That's not what we're doing, Peter.
Oh, right. For once, it's on me.
- I'm shutting the door now.
- Wait.
I've got something to say.
I wrote that letter to
my dad, like you wanted.
You You did?
"Dear Dad "
This first paragraph is mostly questions
about what it's like being a ghost,
so I'll skip down a bit.
"Dad, if there's one thing I
never got to say to you, it's this.
You had a massive blackhead on
your cheek for most of my childhood.
I don't know how you didn't see it.
What I'm getting at is,
you were a pretty crappy father.
I could never make you proud,
even when I broke into Nancy Pelosi's
office and put my feet up on the desk,
just like we always joked about doin'.
I knew it wouldn't be enough.
And I realize now that
I never want to be that kind of dad.
I'm not perfect,
but I'll always be
proud of my idiot kids.
So, turns out the
one thing you did right
was showing me the kind of dad
and husband I don't want to be.
So, goodbye, Dad.
I hope I'm better than you.
But also, please answer
my ghost questions. Amen."
Peter, you did it.
You actually did the work.
I love you, Lois.
I love you too, Peter.
Sorry I yelled the hot lady's name.
Oh, it's all right.
If it makes you feel
better, when we're doing it,
I'm mostly thinking
about Chris Hemsworth.
Is that why you whispered
"Chris" that one time?
I thought you just meant our son.
Aw, now I'm upset.
Well, it's good to be
livin' at home again.
But I appreciate you letting
me stay with you, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter.
By the way, you left your
Minions pajamas at my place.
Keep 'em. Lois says I'm
not supposed to wear them
'cause they keep me
up laughing too much.
Thanks, Jerome.
Hey, what ever happened to Frances?
I don't know. She just suddenly
stopped coming in to work last week.
There you go, Frances.
Jerome told us it was your dream
to go to nursing school, so go!
Uh, I wanted to be a tattoo artist.
Eh, tattoo artist, nurse,
it's all gravy, baby!
Gun it, Bon!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SHIVERING]
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]