Family Guy s24e06 Episode Script
Viewer DMs
1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Here at Family Guy, about
every ten years or so,
we do an episode called "Viewer Mail,"
where we try out story ideas
that fans have submitted in the mail.
Lately, we've been getting
a lot of DMs from fans
asking what mail is, and
also suggesting story ideas.
Like this one from viewer Derek
- It's usually dudes.
- who writes,
"Didn't Chris used to
wear an earring one time?
- Where'd it go?"
- Well, Derek,
thank you for your question.
And, as it happens, we
have an answer for you.
An answer in the form
of three epic films
crammed into six minutes. Enjoy.
♪
[LOIS] It all began
in the land of Mordor,
forged in the fires of Spencer's Gifts,
Sauron created the One
Earrig to rule them all.
What followed was a massive
war of elves and orcs
that will someday cost Amazon Studios
two billion dollars,
just to get review-bombed by racists.
And also, this happened.
[announcer] Call of Gardening:
Modern Shrubbery. Begin.
Yeah. Awesome. I'm growing
the crap out of this fruit.
- You have unlocked: Barley.
- Sweet.
I'll share it with my neighbors
'cause hobbits are a friendly,
peaceful folk you can root for.
Also, the last people
who would ever go on an
adventure, that's for sure.
Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.
It's a very heterosexual quest
with guys who call each
other "my dear" a lot.
Where's your season one earring?
Hang on, Gandalf, I think
I got it here somewhere.
Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.
- Mm
- But it's the hole
I was given at birth.
Just, uh just get
that earring, please.
The truth is my hole
doesn't get many visitors.
Aah!
How we doing on that earring?
Here it is.
Oh, and it's hissing some
kind of devil talk at me,
and there's stuff on here
about unlimited dark power.
Ah. Go pack your underthings
while I practice saying,
"You shall not pass" in the mirror.
Thank you, everyone, for
coming to the Council of Elrond,
a meeting that I called
and then named after myself.
Cool. If there's one thing
that's awesome to show
in a big action movie, it's meetings.
Where are we on the agenda, by the way?
And also, what's the Wi-Fi password?
Just use "rivendellpublic".
Okay, is that what-is
that what you're on?
Don't worry about what I'm
on. Use "rivendellpublic".
I feel like you're
probably on a faster one.
Look, we're here because
Frodo has the One Earring,
and it must be destroyed by returning it
from whence it came: Into
the fires of Mount Doom.
Yeah, "rivendellpublic"
is super slow, man.
Anyway, you guys have
to help Frodo get there.
I think we're all in agreement
that one simply walks into Mordor.
But aren't there I like
that reference by the way
aren't there giant
eagles in Middle-earth?
Can't Gandalf just fly me to Mordor
- on a giant eagle?
- Nah, you got to walk.
Hey, I like being part of
this group, but I don't like
that you all put your
backpacks on my lap.
I'm not a chair. I'm
I'm kind of a chair.
Thanks for escorting
me to Mordor, everyone.
You bet. And what's great is that,
since the soundtrack in
these films is so forgettable,
we can basically run any
movie music we want here.
Holiday road ♪
Holiday road ♪
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh. ♪
Well, you're on your own from here.
What? Y You're
leaving, Viggo Mortensen?
Yeah, sorry, I got to
go be in two more things
and then no more things.
I also have to leave,
but not to go check in
with my parole officer,
if that's what you're wondering.
Yeah, and my beard kind of
got caught in the spokes.
I think I have to unspool
it all the way back
to where we started.
Ah, that's worse.
And I can only poop in my
own apartment in Lothlórien.
Didn't know we were
gonna be out this long.
Oh, hey, I can tag along
with you and the precious
I mea I mean,
that earring that I don't
have big feelings about
one way or the other.
[SIGHS] Friggin' great.
So, how do we get there?
Well, let's check the map.
[CHRIS] This, um, this
map is not very detailed.
[STEWIE] Okay.
No, seriously. Why are there no roads?
And I guess these three wavy lines
are supposed to indicate a lake?
I mean, there's really
no detail on here.
This is basically a child's menu.
Who would be helped by this?
Look, this is the map,
okay? At least we know
we go that way.
[THE MARCH FROM STRIPES PLAYING]
Why is they playing the theme
from Stripeses, my precious?
It's just
it's just a joke from earlier.
Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map.
All right, listen. I wanted
to keep this a secret,
but I do know a shortcut into Mordor.
What? Where is it?
You just go through that tunnel.
See where it says "Giant Spider Hole"?
Is a giant spider in there?
No, th that's just some
kids messing around.
[GROWLS, ROARS] I'm this!
Aw, frick. [GROANS]
What the hell, man? You
tried to get me killed.
That's it. I'm only
giving you 14 more chances,
and then you can't be
in my quest anymore.
There it is Mount Doom.
Yeah, but how are we
supposed to get there?
This valley's full of trolls and orcs
and oh, God, Mork from Orks.
Ho, ho. Ladies and
gentlemen, Elvish Presley.
Don't be cruel to the hobbits crew. ♪
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ho, ho. Gandalf the
Gray, or Gandalf the Gay?
[EFFEMINATE VOICE]
Hey, watch where you put
that staff, mister.
- Ho! Ho, ho.
- Ho! Ho, ho.
I I can't go on.
I'm exhausted from all the riffing.
Plus, he did a "gay" voice,
and that's not okay anymore.
It's over, Gollum.
We're not gonna make it.
We're all alone, and
our path is blocked.
And I forgot to turn on my step counter
before we left the Shire. Perfect.
We could probably estimate it.
Oh, what, using the map?
All right, if you're
gonna keep being like this,
I don't want to be your quest buddy.
Wait, look.
[CHANTING]
Where are all the
Robin Williamses going?
I wonder if maybe there are some
private school kids somewhere
not seizing the day.
[ROBIN WILLIAMS] Oh,
Sauron, my Sauron! Ho, ho!
Okay, yeah, I think it's that.
[SAURON] Should I watch these hobbits,
who are probably coming to destroy me?
Uhp. Galadriel's showering.
We finally made it.
I know, and our faces and
clothes are much dirtier
than when we started,
so that means the journey
was lengthy and difficult.
Now we just got to throw
the earring into the fire.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, no. It's the one
true Lord of the Earrings,
Harrison Ford.
[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]
Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire!
That's the last thing Sauron wants,
which is why he built
a convenient land bridge
to the fire.
[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]
earring off of my plane.
- What?
- He's so stoned.
Aah!
It's done.
Hey, so, I kind of need to
go die with the precious.
All I ask is that my
death scene be accompanied
by a piece of very dramatic film score.
- ["KOKOMO" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING]
- Aruba, Jamaica ♪
- Oh, come on, man.
- Ooh, I wanna take ya ♪
Bermuda, Bahama,
come on, pretty mama. ♪
Welcome back. And big thanks
to all the viewers still sending us DMs.
Viewer Gayle K. writes,
"Have y'all been to space?"
Okay, now that's a bit tone-deaf.
Viewer Ryan asks, "How
did the Griffin family
get to Quahog in the first place?"
Funny story. The
Griffins' pioneer ancestors
actually traveled to
Quahog on the Oregon Trail,
the other way. Let's watch.
♪
Good evening, and welcome
to Channel Five News, Oregon.
Coming up: Moss, and lots of it.
But first, in summer trends,
there's an all-new race
to be unjustifiably prejudiced against,
and it's called "Chinese."
Man, Oregon sucks so bad.
For a state called the "Beaver State,"
this place is a sausage fest.
I'm with Pioneer Chris.
Having to pay for everything
in otter pelts is a hassle.
Also, the Megs keep dying.
[SIGHS]
You. You're the inside Meg now.
The rest of you, come bury
your sister very shallowly.
You know, I hear tell
of a majestic territory
somewhere out yonder called
"Quahog, Rhode Island."
Ooh, I've heard the same.
They say there's a whole
small world out east,
with minimal land, just
ripe for the taking.
Why, it's the American
destiny, Manifest Retreat.
Aw, Oregon's not so bad, guys.
What about the microbrews?
[GIGGLES] Silly beer.
We're staying in Oregon.
[TOM] And finally tonight, in sports,
hope is high for
Oregon's premiere athlete,
- Steve Pre-Pre-Pre-Prefontaine.
- We're leaving.
Ah, the journey begins.
And we've already lost
a Meg to dysentery.
Please, just don't put the
cause of death on my tombstone.
Nah, people need to know you died gross.
"Explosive" feels like
an unnecessary detail.
How's the Oregon Trail
going for everyone so far, huh?
Are we having a good Oregon Trail?
Let me know when you need snacks.
Brian, does this Stewie
- want to kill Lois?
- Uh, I don't know.
Yeah, I-I'm not really
sure what the rules are.
I think I'm just gonna kind of
lay low until this one finishes.
Oh, no. We weren't
counting on this river.
Is there some way around it?
I don't know. Maybe
we could check the map.
Oh, yeah, let's check
- the very helpful map.
- Chris.
Hey guys, while you've been bickering,
we lost another three Megs.
I mean, I guess we could
use the dead Megs as a raft
and float across the river.
I'm being facetious, of course.
I don't think we should use the Me
We're lost! What are we gonna do?
Hey, I think Chris is
starting to lose it.
He's over there hosting
a Real Housewive reunion
with snowmen.
Okay, let her talk.
We're gonna let her talk
and then we're gonna hear
what you're trying to say.
We're in real trouble, guys.
If we don't find a way off
this mountain, like, now,
we're gonna die up here.
All right, give me one second.
I'm gonna go pray on this
'cause human brains are stupid back now.
God, it's me,
Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor.
My family is lost and we need your help.
Please send an angel who will deliver us
to safety in Rhode Island.
God, if you do this for us,
I promise to stop
kicking over grave markers
I see on the side of the trail. Amen.
Peter, I
Aah!
Oh, boy.
Okay, God, if you could
just send one more angel.
Look, I'm putting the gun down.
And maybe he could
come out in front of me,
where's it's not a surprise.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
Look, just be cool, all right?
I-I'm just gonna do a pioneer miracle
for you and your family, all right?
N-Nobody else needs to get
hurt. Y-You already shot Jerry.
Aw, he had a name. Now I feel worse.
He-he didn't have a
family, though, right?
- Angels don't have families?
- L-Let's just do this.
There, that's Quahog, Rhode Island.
Sweet! Hey guys, come on!
I found Quahog all by myself.
Hi-ya! Ten points for Peter Griffin.
That puts Griffin at 620 points total,
a new Oregon Trail record.
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
Well, family, we made it,
and with just one Meg to spare.
Welcome home, everyone.
Peter, doesn't this house
belong to someone else?
Not for long.
Hey, guys? You had 1,000
years to invent guns,
and you didn't, so sorry.
I know, I know, this sucks,
but all of America did this,
so it's not just me, so it's okay.
Ah. Terrific.
Let's never teach about
that in our schools.
Oh, that's kind of a sad
ending for Native Americans.
Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years,
what's left of the Doobie Brothers
is gonna play at their casino.
Well, it's good to finally
be settled in New England.
- Yeah, but you better get going.
- Why?
Because the only profession
in 19th century New England
is being soaking wet on a whaling boat.
Hey, there's a whale.
That's not the one specific whale
that made me angry a few years back.
Ah, God. New England
stinks until Tom Brady.
Welcome back. The DMs from
viewers are still rolling in.
Javier writes, "Hey, guys,
since The Cleveland Show
"was such a big success,
"I wonder if you've
considered giving Quagmire
a show of his own."
Well, Javier, "big success"
might be overly-charitable,
but as it happens, Quagmire actually did
have his very own variety
show back in the 1960s.
We've tracked down the
only existing episode.
Let's check it out.
♪
Hey, gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire,
and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour.
Let's open the show as we always do,
by totally ruining a current song.
[TO THE TUNE OF THE
ASSOCIATION'S "WINDY"]
This one has got some
very large boobies ♪
That one has got a very nice can ♪
They all are dancing
very close to me ♪
That's why I say "giggity". ♪
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
- Thanks, hon.
Keep 'em coming till the '70s get here.
Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?
[LAUGHS]
The implication being that
I've had so much to drink
I don't know where I am.
But no, I I don't I don't
have a "prinking droblem"
- a drinking problem.
- [LAUGHTER]
Oh, we got a great show for you tonight.
Now, stay tuned while I vamp
with this piece of on-set furniture,
and that somehow
counts as entertainment.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Whoa! Whoa!
Have you ever seen such
furniture? Hoo, boy!
- We are having a wild time tonight.
-
- [LAUGHS] Whoa!
-
Hey, won't somebody help
me with this crazy couch?
- [LAUGHS]
-
[ANNOUNCER] You're
watching The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour
with special guests Orson Welles,
Tiny Tex, the little person cowboy,
the Giggity Good Time Gals,
and the winner of the Man Booker
Prize for Narrative Nonfiction,
Professor Sharon Feinblatt
of Cornell University.
Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.
DuPont: Thank God you
can't google us yet.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Thanks, doll. This is almost it for me.
Just 18 more, okay? [LAUGHS]
'Cause I drink so much,
18 drinks feels like
not that many drinks.
[PETER] Stop saying the premise
of the joke you just said.
Just tell the joke.
- [KNOCKING]
- Uhp!
Somebody's at the
Giggity Good Time Door.
I'm sure it's not something
wild and outrageous.
- [MARCHING BAND PLAYING FANFARE]
- [LAUGHS] What?
Oh, this is the last
thing I expected to see.
[LAUGHS] Oh! Oh! They just keep coming.
Look at all this. Wow!
[LAUGHS] Oh, this is the wildest
Hey. Frickin' easy, buddy.
Idiot. [LAUGHS] Oh, so many band people!
Noise equals fun.
- What could possibly be zanier?
-
- [LAUGHS]
-
[ANNOUNCER] We hope you're
enjoying The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags.
We know you're frustrated, ladies.
Scream into this bag.
And now, here's Glenn
with the only reasonably
attractive zookeeper
- in the western hemisphere.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Now, who's this guy?
- This is Chloe.
She's seven years old, and don't worry,
she only panics around
cigarette smoke and hair tonic.
Oh, boy.
This reminds me of my weekend
at Lake George with Ava Gardner.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Go to break.
Take it away, Smokey the sock puppet.
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour
will be back in just a
minute. No ifs, ands, or butts.
- [COUGHS, WHEEZES]
- [APPLAUSE]
And we're back with the
lovely Dr. Sharon Feinblatt,
here to talk about her new
book. Now, what is it, Sharon?
It's called Days of Disorder:
Weimar Germany and
the Birth of Modernity.
Fascinating. Get up and give
us a little spin, would you?
Uh, um [CHUCKLES] What?
Nah, I'm just joshing.
Please, go on while I bite my fist
in a caricature of sexual longing.
- So, um, my book posits that,
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
on its own merits, Weimar Germany
was a fascinating laboratory
of cultural innovation.
Great, and can you share some
of the recipes from the book?
Uh, excuse me?
[LAUGHS] The-the joke being
that, if a woman wrote a book
in these times, it's
obviously a cookbook.
[PETER] You're doing it again.
This was a mistake. I am leaving.
Yeah, and you should see a
doctor about your sweating.
- It's a real problem.
- Aw, come on.
You haven't even danced
in the giant birdcage yet.
[CHUCKLES] Please, uh, please
give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand,
while I scream at an
off-screen producer.
- [LIGHT APPLAUSE]
- Who booked that person?
No! No, Roy! You can't just
show me a picture and I say yes
and then you don't tell
me what she's about, Roy.
- Do your job, Roy.
- [ANNOUNCER] Stay tuned for more of
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
milk at dinner.
It's still the '60s,
so wash down your dinner
with a big glass of
milk like a psychopath.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Mr. Quagmire, Dr. Dentist Orson Welles
will see you now.
My God, I played King
Lear in the West End.
Yeah, well I'd like to
leer at her West End.
[LAUGHING]
- Doctor, I brought
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Hey, g-guys? Guys? Not this one, okay?
This-this is my niece.
This She's in this sketch
as a favor to my brother, all right?
- Go ahead, Denise.
- I brought the patient's bill.
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, my God. Can you imagine?
This [LAUGHS] Oh!
This'll be so expensive!
Oh, my go
- It just keeps going! [LAUGHING]
-
- Have you ever
-
- Oh, it it's just the craziest.
-
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, our time is up.
And not just our time for this episode.
The entire 1960s have concluded,
and the '70s will have
no time for this [BLEEP].
- So, for now
- [TO THE TUNE OF DEAN MARTIN'S "AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD"]
How drippy can one guy be? ♪
Three pints of moisture on me ♪
And you're asking, I bet ♪
"Why is he looking so wet?" ♪
These lights are very
hot, ladies and gentlemen.
- Good night.
- [ANNOUNCER] Thanks for watching
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
Step-Son Beating Belts.
He's not your son, but
he'll do what you say,
with Step-Son Beating Belts.
Well, we've had a good time
tonight, but as you can see,
our bow ties are now undone
and our shirt collars are open,
which indicates the end
of a long, crazy night.
[PETER] I said stop doing that.
Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs.
And to any female fans
who got direct responses
from me last night, I was hacked.
- We hope you enjoyed the show, and
- [KNOCKING]
What?! Who could possibly be knocking
at the Stewie Griffin Super-Fun Door?
Oh, this better not be something crazy.
- [MARCHING BAND FANFARE PLAYING]
- [LAUGHS]
What a delightful surprise.
Oh, my goodness, they just
keep coming and coming.
[LAUGHING] Oh, there's so many of them.
- Why, have you ever been so entertained?
-
[LAUGHING]
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Here at Family Guy, about
every ten years or so,
we do an episode called "Viewer Mail,"
where we try out story ideas
that fans have submitted in the mail.
Lately, we've been getting
a lot of DMs from fans
asking what mail is, and
also suggesting story ideas.
Like this one from viewer Derek
- It's usually dudes.
- who writes,
"Didn't Chris used to
wear an earring one time?
- Where'd it go?"
- Well, Derek,
thank you for your question.
And, as it happens, we
have an answer for you.
An answer in the form
of three epic films
crammed into six minutes. Enjoy.
♪
[LOIS] It all began
in the land of Mordor,
forged in the fires of Spencer's Gifts,
Sauron created the One
Earrig to rule them all.
What followed was a massive
war of elves and orcs
that will someday cost Amazon Studios
two billion dollars,
just to get review-bombed by racists.
And also, this happened.
[announcer] Call of Gardening:
Modern Shrubbery. Begin.
Yeah. Awesome. I'm growing
the crap out of this fruit.
- You have unlocked: Barley.
- Sweet.
I'll share it with my neighbors
'cause hobbits are a friendly,
peaceful folk you can root for.
Also, the last people
who would ever go on an
adventure, that's for sure.
Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.
It's a very heterosexual quest
with guys who call each
other "my dear" a lot.
Where's your season one earring?
Hang on, Gandalf, I think
I got it here somewhere.
Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.
- Mm
- But it's the hole
I was given at birth.
Just, uh just get
that earring, please.
The truth is my hole
doesn't get many visitors.
Aah!
How we doing on that earring?
Here it is.
Oh, and it's hissing some
kind of devil talk at me,
and there's stuff on here
about unlimited dark power.
Ah. Go pack your underthings
while I practice saying,
"You shall not pass" in the mirror.
Thank you, everyone, for
coming to the Council of Elrond,
a meeting that I called
and then named after myself.
Cool. If there's one thing
that's awesome to show
in a big action movie, it's meetings.
Where are we on the agenda, by the way?
And also, what's the Wi-Fi password?
Just use "rivendellpublic".
Okay, is that what-is
that what you're on?
Don't worry about what I'm
on. Use "rivendellpublic".
I feel like you're
probably on a faster one.
Look, we're here because
Frodo has the One Earring,
and it must be destroyed by returning it
from whence it came: Into
the fires of Mount Doom.
Yeah, "rivendellpublic"
is super slow, man.
Anyway, you guys have
to help Frodo get there.
I think we're all in agreement
that one simply walks into Mordor.
But aren't there I like
that reference by the way
aren't there giant
eagles in Middle-earth?
Can't Gandalf just fly me to Mordor
- on a giant eagle?
- Nah, you got to walk.
Hey, I like being part of
this group, but I don't like
that you all put your
backpacks on my lap.
I'm not a chair. I'm
I'm kind of a chair.
Thanks for escorting
me to Mordor, everyone.
You bet. And what's great is that,
since the soundtrack in
these films is so forgettable,
we can basically run any
movie music we want here.
Holiday road ♪
Holiday road ♪
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh. ♪
Well, you're on your own from here.
What? Y You're
leaving, Viggo Mortensen?
Yeah, sorry, I got to
go be in two more things
and then no more things.
I also have to leave,
but not to go check in
with my parole officer,
if that's what you're wondering.
Yeah, and my beard kind of
got caught in the spokes.
I think I have to unspool
it all the way back
to where we started.
Ah, that's worse.
And I can only poop in my
own apartment in Lothlórien.
Didn't know we were
gonna be out this long.
Oh, hey, I can tag along
with you and the precious
I mea I mean,
that earring that I don't
have big feelings about
one way or the other.
[SIGHS] Friggin' great.
So, how do we get there?
Well, let's check the map.
[CHRIS] This, um, this
map is not very detailed.
[STEWIE] Okay.
No, seriously. Why are there no roads?
And I guess these three wavy lines
are supposed to indicate a lake?
I mean, there's really
no detail on here.
This is basically a child's menu.
Who would be helped by this?
Look, this is the map,
okay? At least we know
we go that way.
[THE MARCH FROM STRIPES PLAYING]
Why is they playing the theme
from Stripeses, my precious?
It's just
it's just a joke from earlier.
Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map.
All right, listen. I wanted
to keep this a secret,
but I do know a shortcut into Mordor.
What? Where is it?
You just go through that tunnel.
See where it says "Giant Spider Hole"?
Is a giant spider in there?
No, th that's just some
kids messing around.
[GROWLS, ROARS] I'm this!
Aw, frick. [GROANS]
What the hell, man? You
tried to get me killed.
That's it. I'm only
giving you 14 more chances,
and then you can't be
in my quest anymore.
There it is Mount Doom.
Yeah, but how are we
supposed to get there?
This valley's full of trolls and orcs
and oh, God, Mork from Orks.
Ho, ho. Ladies and
gentlemen, Elvish Presley.
Don't be cruel to the hobbits crew. ♪
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ho, ho. Gandalf the
Gray, or Gandalf the Gay?
[EFFEMINATE VOICE]
Hey, watch where you put
that staff, mister.
- Ho! Ho, ho.
- Ho! Ho, ho.
I I can't go on.
I'm exhausted from all the riffing.
Plus, he did a "gay" voice,
and that's not okay anymore.
It's over, Gollum.
We're not gonna make it.
We're all alone, and
our path is blocked.
And I forgot to turn on my step counter
before we left the Shire. Perfect.
We could probably estimate it.
Oh, what, using the map?
All right, if you're
gonna keep being like this,
I don't want to be your quest buddy.
Wait, look.
[CHANTING]
Where are all the
Robin Williamses going?
I wonder if maybe there are some
private school kids somewhere
not seizing the day.
[ROBIN WILLIAMS] Oh,
Sauron, my Sauron! Ho, ho!
Okay, yeah, I think it's that.
[SAURON] Should I watch these hobbits,
who are probably coming to destroy me?
Uhp. Galadriel's showering.
We finally made it.
I know, and our faces and
clothes are much dirtier
than when we started,
so that means the journey
was lengthy and difficult.
Now we just got to throw
the earring into the fire.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, no. It's the one
true Lord of the Earrings,
Harrison Ford.
[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]
Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire!
That's the last thing Sauron wants,
which is why he built
a convenient land bridge
to the fire.
[MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY]
earring off of my plane.
- What?
- He's so stoned.
Aah!
It's done.
Hey, so, I kind of need to
go die with the precious.
All I ask is that my
death scene be accompanied
by a piece of very dramatic film score.
- ["KOKOMO" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING]
- Aruba, Jamaica ♪
- Oh, come on, man.
- Ooh, I wanna take ya ♪
Bermuda, Bahama,
come on, pretty mama. ♪
Welcome back. And big thanks
to all the viewers still sending us DMs.
Viewer Gayle K. writes,
"Have y'all been to space?"
Okay, now that's a bit tone-deaf.
Viewer Ryan asks, "How
did the Griffin family
get to Quahog in the first place?"
Funny story. The
Griffins' pioneer ancestors
actually traveled to
Quahog on the Oregon Trail,
the other way. Let's watch.
♪
Good evening, and welcome
to Channel Five News, Oregon.
Coming up: Moss, and lots of it.
But first, in summer trends,
there's an all-new race
to be unjustifiably prejudiced against,
and it's called "Chinese."
Man, Oregon sucks so bad.
For a state called the "Beaver State,"
this place is a sausage fest.
I'm with Pioneer Chris.
Having to pay for everything
in otter pelts is a hassle.
Also, the Megs keep dying.
[SIGHS]
You. You're the inside Meg now.
The rest of you, come bury
your sister very shallowly.
You know, I hear tell
of a majestic territory
somewhere out yonder called
"Quahog, Rhode Island."
Ooh, I've heard the same.
They say there's a whole
small world out east,
with minimal land, just
ripe for the taking.
Why, it's the American
destiny, Manifest Retreat.
Aw, Oregon's not so bad, guys.
What about the microbrews?
[GIGGLES] Silly beer.
We're staying in Oregon.
[TOM] And finally tonight, in sports,
hope is high for
Oregon's premiere athlete,
- Steve Pre-Pre-Pre-Prefontaine.
- We're leaving.
Ah, the journey begins.
And we've already lost
a Meg to dysentery.
Please, just don't put the
cause of death on my tombstone.
Nah, people need to know you died gross.
"Explosive" feels like
an unnecessary detail.
How's the Oregon Trail
going for everyone so far, huh?
Are we having a good Oregon Trail?
Let me know when you need snacks.
Brian, does this Stewie
- want to kill Lois?
- Uh, I don't know.
Yeah, I-I'm not really
sure what the rules are.
I think I'm just gonna kind of
lay low until this one finishes.
Oh, no. We weren't
counting on this river.
Is there some way around it?
I don't know. Maybe
we could check the map.
Oh, yeah, let's check
- the very helpful map.
- Chris.
Hey guys, while you've been bickering,
we lost another three Megs.
I mean, I guess we could
use the dead Megs as a raft
and float across the river.
I'm being facetious, of course.
I don't think we should use the Me
We're lost! What are we gonna do?
Hey, I think Chris is
starting to lose it.
He's over there hosting
a Real Housewive reunion
with snowmen.
Okay, let her talk.
We're gonna let her talk
and then we're gonna hear
what you're trying to say.
We're in real trouble, guys.
If we don't find a way off
this mountain, like, now,
we're gonna die up here.
All right, give me one second.
I'm gonna go pray on this
'cause human brains are stupid back now.
God, it's me,
Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor.
My family is lost and we need your help.
Please send an angel who will deliver us
to safety in Rhode Island.
God, if you do this for us,
I promise to stop
kicking over grave markers
I see on the side of the trail. Amen.
Peter, I
Aah!
Oh, boy.
Okay, God, if you could
just send one more angel.
Look, I'm putting the gun down.
And maybe he could
come out in front of me,
where's it's not a surprise.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
Look, just be cool, all right?
I-I'm just gonna do a pioneer miracle
for you and your family, all right?
N-Nobody else needs to get
hurt. Y-You already shot Jerry.
Aw, he had a name. Now I feel worse.
He-he didn't have a
family, though, right?
- Angels don't have families?
- L-Let's just do this.
There, that's Quahog, Rhode Island.
Sweet! Hey guys, come on!
I found Quahog all by myself.
Hi-ya! Ten points for Peter Griffin.
That puts Griffin at 620 points total,
a new Oregon Trail record.
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
Well, family, we made it,
and with just one Meg to spare.
Welcome home, everyone.
Peter, doesn't this house
belong to someone else?
Not for long.
Hey, guys? You had 1,000
years to invent guns,
and you didn't, so sorry.
I know, I know, this sucks,
but all of America did this,
so it's not just me, so it's okay.
Ah. Terrific.
Let's never teach about
that in our schools.
Oh, that's kind of a sad
ending for Native Americans.
Eh, it's not so bad. In 200 years,
what's left of the Doobie Brothers
is gonna play at their casino.
Well, it's good to finally
be settled in New England.
- Yeah, but you better get going.
- Why?
Because the only profession
in 19th century New England
is being soaking wet on a whaling boat.
Hey, there's a whale.
That's not the one specific whale
that made me angry a few years back.
Ah, God. New England
stinks until Tom Brady.
Welcome back. The DMs from
viewers are still rolling in.
Javier writes, "Hey, guys,
since The Cleveland Show
"was such a big success,
"I wonder if you've
considered giving Quagmire
a show of his own."
Well, Javier, "big success"
might be overly-charitable,
but as it happens, Quagmire actually did
have his very own variety
show back in the 1960s.
We've tracked down the
only existing episode.
Let's check it out.
♪
Hey, gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire,
and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour.
Let's open the show as we always do,
by totally ruining a current song.
[TO THE TUNE OF THE
ASSOCIATION'S "WINDY"]
This one has got some
very large boobies ♪
That one has got a very nice can ♪
They all are dancing
very close to me ♪
That's why I say "giggity". ♪
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
- Thanks, hon.
Keep 'em coming till the '70s get here.
Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?
[LAUGHS]
The implication being that
I've had so much to drink
I don't know where I am.
But no, I I don't I don't
have a "prinking droblem"
- a drinking problem.
- [LAUGHTER]
Oh, we got a great show for you tonight.
Now, stay tuned while I vamp
with this piece of on-set furniture,
and that somehow
counts as entertainment.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Whoa! Whoa!
Have you ever seen such
furniture? Hoo, boy!
- We are having a wild time tonight.
-
- [LAUGHS] Whoa!
-
Hey, won't somebody help
me with this crazy couch?
- [LAUGHS]
-
[ANNOUNCER] You're
watching The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour
with special guests Orson Welles,
Tiny Tex, the little person cowboy,
the Giggity Good Time Gals,
and the winner of the Man Booker
Prize for Narrative Nonfiction,
Professor Sharon Feinblatt
of Cornell University.
Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.
DuPont: Thank God you
can't google us yet.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Thanks, doll. This is almost it for me.
Just 18 more, okay? [LAUGHS]
'Cause I drink so much,
18 drinks feels like
not that many drinks.
[PETER] Stop saying the premise
of the joke you just said.
Just tell the joke.
- [KNOCKING]
- Uhp!
Somebody's at the
Giggity Good Time Door.
I'm sure it's not something
wild and outrageous.
- [MARCHING BAND PLAYING FANFARE]
- [LAUGHS] What?
Oh, this is the last
thing I expected to see.
[LAUGHS] Oh! Oh! They just keep coming.
Look at all this. Wow!
[LAUGHS] Oh, this is the wildest
Hey. Frickin' easy, buddy.
Idiot. [LAUGHS] Oh, so many band people!
Noise equals fun.
- What could possibly be zanier?
-
- [LAUGHS]
-
[ANNOUNCER] We hope you're
enjoying The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags.
We know you're frustrated, ladies.
Scream into this bag.
And now, here's Glenn
with the only reasonably
attractive zookeeper
- in the western hemisphere.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Now, who's this guy?
- This is Chloe.
She's seven years old, and don't worry,
she only panics around
cigarette smoke and hair tonic.
Oh, boy.
This reminds me of my weekend
at Lake George with Ava Gardner.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Go to break.
Take it away, Smokey the sock puppet.
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour
will be back in just a
minute. No ifs, ands, or butts.
- [COUGHS, WHEEZES]
- [APPLAUSE]
And we're back with the
lovely Dr. Sharon Feinblatt,
here to talk about her new
book. Now, what is it, Sharon?
It's called Days of Disorder:
Weimar Germany and
the Birth of Modernity.
Fascinating. Get up and give
us a little spin, would you?
Uh, um [CHUCKLES] What?
Nah, I'm just joshing.
Please, go on while I bite my fist
in a caricature of sexual longing.
- So, um, my book posits that,
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
on its own merits, Weimar Germany
was a fascinating laboratory
of cultural innovation.
Great, and can you share some
of the recipes from the book?
Uh, excuse me?
[LAUGHS] The-the joke being
that, if a woman wrote a book
in these times, it's
obviously a cookbook.
[PETER] You're doing it again.
This was a mistake. I am leaving.
Yeah, and you should see a
doctor about your sweating.
- It's a real problem.
- Aw, come on.
You haven't even danced
in the giant birdcage yet.
[CHUCKLES] Please, uh, please
give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand,
while I scream at an
off-screen producer.
- [LIGHT APPLAUSE]
- Who booked that person?
No! No, Roy! You can't just
show me a picture and I say yes
and then you don't tell
me what she's about, Roy.
- Do your job, Roy.
- [ANNOUNCER] Stay tuned for more of
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
milk at dinner.
It's still the '60s,
so wash down your dinner
with a big glass of
milk like a psychopath.
- [APPLAUSE]
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Mr. Quagmire, Dr. Dentist Orson Welles
will see you now.
My God, I played King
Lear in the West End.
Yeah, well I'd like to
leer at her West End.
[LAUGHING]
- Doctor, I brought
- [AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES]
Hey, g-guys? Guys? Not this one, okay?
This-this is my niece.
This She's in this sketch
as a favor to my brother, all right?
- Go ahead, Denise.
- I brought the patient's bill.
- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, my God. Can you imagine?
This [LAUGHS] Oh!
This'll be so expensive!
Oh, my go
- It just keeps going! [LAUGHING]
-
- Have you ever
-
- Oh, it it's just the craziest.
-
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, our time is up.
And not just our time for this episode.
The entire 1960s have concluded,
and the '70s will have
no time for this [BLEEP].
- So, for now
- [TO THE TUNE OF DEAN MARTIN'S "AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD"]
How drippy can one guy be? ♪
Three pints of moisture on me ♪
And you're asking, I bet ♪
"Why is he looking so wet?" ♪
These lights are very
hot, ladies and gentlemen.
- Good night.
- [ANNOUNCER] Thanks for watching
The Glenn Quagmire
Giggity Good Time Hour.
Brought to you by
Step-Son Beating Belts.
He's not your son, but
he'll do what you say,
with Step-Son Beating Belts.
Well, we've had a good time
tonight, but as you can see,
our bow ties are now undone
and our shirt collars are open,
which indicates the end
of a long, crazy night.
[PETER] I said stop doing that.
Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs.
And to any female fans
who got direct responses
from me last night, I was hacked.
- We hope you enjoyed the show, and
- [KNOCKING]
What?! Who could possibly be knocking
at the Stewie Griffin Super-Fun Door?
Oh, this better not be something crazy.
- [MARCHING BAND FANFARE PLAYING]
- [LAUGHS]
What a delightful surprise.
Oh, my goodness, they just
keep coming and coming.
[LAUGHING] Oh, there's so many of them.
- Why, have you ever been so entertained?
-
[LAUGHING]