Family Guy s24e07 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Hey, did you think any more
about how you want to
celebrate your birthday?
It's coming up quick.
Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto
Raptors-themed sleepover
could be fun.
Why do you always like the
worst version of everything?
That is not true! Ooh,
I'll be right back.
I forgot I'm out of Tom's
of West Virginia toothpaste.
Same stuff as Maine,
but made for less teeth.
Uch, look at all the Jewish
candy bars Mort's got in here.
One Musketeer. Bubble Yuck.
Oy Henry!
Almond Content But Not Quite Joy.
Forget that, check this out.
I can tell you exactly which ailment
each of these people in line has.
What? How can you do that?
It's a known fact dogs can smell
all kinds of different
medical conditions. Watch.
[SNIFFS] She has diabetes.
[SNIFFS] He has migraines.
[SNIFFS] And that guy's got, um
the that thing.
What-What's the thing
that Magic Johnson has?
- AIDS?
- Yeah, that.
You forgot about AIDS?
It was never a dog thing!
There's always one who
shows up in their pajamas
'cause they don't wanna
change in a strange house.
It's 4:00 o'clock, dear.
You're gonna ruin those slippers
walking from the car.
I don't care.
You guys all know
Patty, Ruth and Esther.
And since we're a modern
teenage friend group,
here's our gender-neutral friend Devin.
Lois, what's with that kid?
Every piece of clothing's
saying something different.
Peter, be nice. You
can't freak out like this.
Don't worry, I can be subtle.
What are you?! Declare yourself!
Why don't you just go to the garage
and mutter while kicking stuff.
Stupid world's passing me by.
Everyone needs to be something.
How does anything make sense
if everybody's everything?
[LAUGHTER]
Ew, Dad, what are you doing?
Sorry, Meg, all dads are required
to walk shirtless through any teen party
while they drink a canned beverage
that was discontinued in the '90s.
Sip of Surge, anyone?
Devin, sip of Surge?
Well, can you please leave?
We're about to play Truth or Dare.
"Truth or Dare"? Is that that game where
you hide and go seek?
No. You either have to answer
a question with total honesty
or do something crazy
that people make up.
I went with my version.
But how 'bout I play with you?
Um, sure, Dad.
I dare you to get the hell out of here.
[GIGGLES] On it!
[PANTING] Check it out, Lois!
I'm playing Truth or Dare with Meg!
You're really not, Peter.
But, hey, I'll play
Truth or Dare with you.
After all, we've never played together.
Really? Okay, I pick "Dare."
All right. Um, I dare you
oh [LAUGHS]
to lick the Swansons'
mailbox! [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] Watch me!
♪
Damn it, if he gets my TV Guide
soggy, I'm gonna be furious.
- You still get TV Guide?
- There's still TV!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- Okay, okay. Your turn.
- All right.
- Truth.
- Okay, let's see.
Um, how many men have you
slept with in your lifetime?
- Dare.
- What?
You can't just change.
Peter, it's my right to choose
from the two options, and I choose dare.
Ah, it's no big deal.
I'll tell you my number.
I'll admit, I was a bit of
a Lothario back in my day.
I slept with two whole women.
Seven, if you count
finishing during long hugs.
- Peter, I'm not answering.
- Come on, it's fine.
Just say the number, keeping
in mind that any number
other than zero will send
me into a ten-year spiral.
This conversation is
over. I'm going to bed.
No! Not till this is settled!
I mean, now it's a safety issue!
I gotta know if I need to wear
this old-timey scuba helmet
before I give you the
Michael Douglas special.
Somebody grab the Ouija board.
I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost
if he really killed himself.
Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy
in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper?
Headline reads: "Chewy Defeats Chewman"?
No, Brian, we haven't seen
your gross toy. Please leave.
Fine. [SIGHS]
♪
Not gonna leave
completely empty-handed.
You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein
is coming through!
Hey how old are you
ladies?
[GASPS] It's him!
[PANTING, SNIFFING]
Mm, yeah, that's good chewing.
And this, Emma, is where the magic ha
I thought you lived alone.
Nice going, Brian. Do you
know how hard it was to go from
being duct-taped to my
seat to bringing her home?
What are you even doing?
Kinda just chewing and
sniffing Patty's bra.
- Uch, creepy.
- It's not creepy. I'm a dog.
If I don't chew something
every 40 minutes,
I go frickin' crazy. [SNIFFING]
- Oh, my God. That's not good.
- What?
I'm getting a whiff of breast
cancer from Patty's bra.
I think Patty may have breast cancer.
What? First Celine Dion
gets stiff person
syndrome and now this?!
It's so damn unfair!
- All right, calm down.
- No, Brian!
I'm still processing
stiff person syndrome,
which is definitely a
real thing and not a way
of getting out of Vegas
shows that your agent-husband
roped you into.
I think we're getting off-track.
Maybe.
But if Patty has breast cancer,
you have to tell Meg right away.
I can't do that. Then
she'll know I took the bra.
You need to tell her, Brian,
even though it's hard to break bad news.
And I should know, I used to be
a department store spokesperson.
As of today, Macy's is
closing 100 of its stores.
So, to be clear, that's a hundred places
you can no longer buy funeral
shirts on a day's notice.
Everyone is going to have to start
thinking about their funerals
at least two days before.
But where else can shoppers get
nice watches that aren't actually nice?
Or take a dump in the
mall without having
- to buy something?
- Well, I suppose those will
both have to be done at Nordstrom.
After all, Nordstrom is
a thriving business that
Sir, from Nordstrom corporate.
[SIGHS] Okay, gang, this is
just a body blow of a day.
Uh, hey, Meg. How was the sleepover?
Good. The Ouija board
really came to life.
Some guy named René said to
stop making fun of his wife
and that stiff person
syndrome is a real thing.
Listen, there's something
important I need to tell you.
Last night, I took Patty's
bra to chew and sniff and
I think Patty may have breast cancer.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Oh, I've got to call her right away.
I mean, she's Wait a minute,
Patty left here fully dressed.
Let-let me see that
bra. Do you have it?
Brian that's my bra.
Ah, cool. We taking our bras off?
[SIGHS]
The girls are out to play.
Welp, time to go tease
the boys down at the DQ.
They don't open till 11:00
and the Starbucks said
I couldn't wait inside.
Look, I know this must be stressful.
You sure you don't want to tell Lois
about the breast cancer?
No, I don't want to worry
her until I know for sure.
Well, what about telling Peter?
I actually tried, but
he was super distracted
'cause he got one of those
dollies that mechanics use
to slide under cars.
Dad, there's something
important I need
What is it, Meg? I'm very
busy de-boogeymanning the bed.
Chris, bring my ratchet
and some cinnamon!
- They don't like cinnamon.
- I'm not sure that's gonna work.
Well, that's a very vertical opinion.
I've seen Monsters Inc.
and Monsters University.
I think I know what I'm doing.
Siri, what's another word for "jugs"?
[SIRI] Breasts.
I understand you may
have "breasts cancer."
Well, that's what we wanna find out.
Hmm, but you seem young and healthy.
What brought you in?
My dog smelled cancer on my bra.
Oh, a dog smelled it?
They're, like, never wrong.
We've actually got three
of 'em on staff here.
This guy graduated from Muttgers.
This one from UC Barkley.
And she went to Bitch-igan State.
I'm kidding, they all
went to Texas Christian,
but they're they're
smart, they're good.
"Grr-due" is another one,
but what's Meg's prognosis?
We'll wait for her test results
as a formality, but if a
dog smelled cancer on her,
I'm not optimistic.
Meg, if you have anything
on your bucket list,
this could be the time.
[GASPS] Are you saying I'm dying?
Siri, what's a good
excuse to leave the room?
[SIRI] Diarrhea is always an excellent
excuse to leave any room.
Uhp, please excuse me.
My phone has diarrhea.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Lois and I played Truth
or Dare the other night,
but when I asked her how
many guys she's had sex with,
she wouldn't answer! I gotta know!
It's driving me crazy!
Well, Bonnie's only
ever been with one man,
and you're looking at him.
You sure about that?
Yeah, she got chlamydia from a
toilet seat, we talked about it.
Then the toilet seat sent her
flowers 'cause it felt bad.
Open-and-shut case.
♪
So is a cancer diagnosis a "radio on"
or "radio off" situation?
You can turn it on.
She bangs, she bangs ♪
I'm wasted by the way ♪
Maybe we'll just go without.
You know, part of me is like,
I should probably tell
Mom and Dad about this,
but another part of
me is like, why bother?
I mean, no one in this family
even cares about me, anyway.
Come on, I'm here for you, Meg.
We just gotta come up with some way
to get your mind off this.
Maybe Dr. Hartman was right.
Is there a bucket
list item you've always
wanted to do, but you
never had the chance?
- I don't know.
- Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit.
No dream is too big.
- Anything?
- Anything.
Well, I've always wanted to
pig out on Garbage Can Nachos
at Chaz Inferno's restaurant in Orlando.
Th that's it? Yeah,
we we can do that.
Really? Would we need
to contact Make-A-Wish?
Like, how would we even do that?
I think just go there and order them.
Well, can we go right now?
Absolutely. Let's do it.
Talk to me, tell me your sign ♪
You're switchin' sides like a Gemini ♪
You're playin' games and
now you're hittin' my heart ♪
Like a drum ♪
-
- Yeah, baby ♪
Well, if Lady Luck gets on my side ♪
- We're gonna rock this town alive ♪
-
- I'll let her rough me up ♪
-
- Till she knocks me out ♪
-
- 'Cause she walks like she talks ♪
-
And she talks like she walks ♪
She bangs, she bangs ♪
Oh, baby, when she moves ♪
Look at that: Atlanta, 20 miles.
You know
they say Atlanta has the
best strip clubs in the world.
- Okay.
- They say NBA players
fly in from all over
to go to these clubs.
And they can go anywhere.
Like, Shaquille O'Neal
goes to these clubs.
It's been documented in court filings.
And if I'm not mistaken,
the Raptors are in town
playing the Hawks tonight.
See, Brian? You're the only one
who ever pays attention
to what I care about.
Let's do it!
Plus, you've got cancer, so
you can eat whatever you want.
We don't even have to
look at the strippers.
They got big trays of ziti in there.
[MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
I got a bunch of quarters
from the change machine
so I can support the strippers.
Ow! What are you doing?
Come on, I'm making it hail!
Damn it! Knock it off Hey,
that one's a bicentennial!
What? I-I'm gonna need that back.
Where-Where's Meg and Brian?
I don't know, but he just
posted a close-up photo
of a big tray of strip club ziti.
And he tagged Meg, so I
have to assume they're fine.
Okay, good, they're eating,
then we don't have to wait.
Chris, can you please pass
the peas and ask your mother
how many peas she's had in her mouth?
Peter, that's enough.
Chris, can you also ask your mother
to pass the chicken and then ask her if
the number of people
she's slept with is more
or less than the number
of herbs and spices
in the Colonel's secret recipe?
Slow down, I can't keep track of all
the foods you want passed!
Chris. Chris. He's just doing a bit.
Okay, this is us.
Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place.
Are you kidding?
I recognize the guy who
checked us in from Intervention!
Okay, there's a salamander
in our coffee pot,
so I'm gonna go see
if I can swap that out.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Dr. Hartman?
Hi, Meg, you're gonna hear
things in the background
of this call that make you
think I'm at a Dave & Buster's.
I assure you, I am not
at a Dave & Buster'.
[GAME DINGING]
- [GAME VOICE] What a shot!
- We're doing COVID boosters.
Are you calling with my test results?
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
- [DINGING]
- [GAME VOICE] Long distance!
Ignore that. That's
just a medical device.
Oh, my God, do I have cancer?
- Yes!
- Oh, no!
- Sorry, what?
- I have cancer?!
Oh, no. No cancer.
Your tests all came back negative.
Oh, thank God. What a relief.
Do you not have any paper menus?
It's only a QR code?
Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.
Yeah, yeah, mazel tov.
I just want mozzarella sticks.
Why are you making this so hard?
Brian, I have great news to tell you.
Perfect. Thanks again.
I actually have great news, too, Meg.
Get this: I managed to get your
story to Chaz Inferno himself.
And not only is he going
to personally make you
Garbage Can Nachos, he's also giving us
a $35 dine-in credit, and
he's going to cut your hair
and frost your tips, table-side.
What? That's amazing!
- And what's your good news?
- Oh, um
Brian, look at this plaque!
It's a historic room.
Someone from Girls
Gone Wild died in here!
Oh, I remember her. She
didn't wanna go wild,
but then her friend
told her to so she did.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.
Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg!
Don't know if they told
you up front, but in here
you're not allowed to not wear Oakleys
- on the back of your head.
- Sweet.
I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet
a man who's never
driven a car with a roof.
Before we make these
nachos, how 'bout we
cut that hair and frost those tips?
- Whoa, your hair is so hard.
- Thank you.
And it's superhot I can't
tell if you're 30 or 60.
Oh, good thing we're doing this first,
so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.
Eh, there's tons in there already.
Oh, right on.
All right, Lois, we're just
gonna do this one-by-one.
Did you sleep with Arthur Aaronson?
Peter, come on.
Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?
I thought we were past this.
You still gotta finish
our Truth or Dare game.
I licked Joe's mailbox, but
you never took your turn.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine,
I'll finish the game.
But I'm only doing a dare.
Okay, dare, huh?
Then I dare you to rollerblade off
the Swansons' roof and into their pool.
And that'll finally shut you up?
Yep.
♪
[GRUNTS] Oh, God, it's
higher up here than it looks.
You chose dare. This is the dare.
Peter, stop doing Truth
or Dare stuff to my house!
This doesn't concern you, Joe.
[LOIS] I feel very unsafe.
That's it, I'm calling the cops.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? There's a woman on my roof.
Sir, I can't really help you right now.
I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.
I'm going, Peter!
[WHIMPERING]
- Ah!
- Oh, my God!
Ah, damn it! Oh! It
hurts so much! Oh, God!
Oh, your leg hurts? What's that like?
Well, we almost polished
off those Garbage Can Nachos.
- Dirt?
- Mm, no, thanks.
I'll have a little dirt.
[STOMACH GURGLING]
Uhp, feels like those nachos are making
a run for the border. I
better hit the bathroom, stat.
Excuse me, can you wrap
up the rest of our food?
Definitely. Nachos travel great.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello? Dr. Hartman? It's Brian.
Are you calling with Meg's test results?
What? No. I told Meg yesterday
her results were negative.
I was just calling to see why she hasn't
given me a Yelp review yet.
- Yesterday?
- Oh, and can you do me a favor
and put my name in Meg's
phone as "The Hammer"?
- I'm trying to get that goin.
- No, I'm not doing that.
Okay, Hammer out!
Why wouldn't Meg have told me?
♪
Meg? It's Brian. Is there
something you wanna tell me?
[MEG GROANS]
Yeah. There's an adult
changing station in here.
And the weight limit is 500 pounds.
I just talked to Dr. Hartman.
Oh, "The Hammer"?
He's gonna be psyched you said that,
but he told me he called you yesterday
with your negative test results!
Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away
from being able to
have this conversation.
Meg, you lied to me!
I was super worried and I thought you
were gonna die, and you
took advantage of me!
- Why would you do that?
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
I I guess I just
saw a chance to live out
one of my dreams and realized
it might never happen again.
I can't believe how selfish
that is! You know what?
As far as I'm concerned, you
can find your own ride home!
- Are you the one in the Prius?
- Yes. Why?
Yeah, a few of the other patrons did
some terrible things to your car.
You're not Jewish, are you?
- No.
- Okay,
then they got some of it wrong.
[GROANS WEAKLY]
Oh, Lois! You're awake.
By the way, this lighting
makes you look old.
Did did I break my leg?
Yes. And it's all my fault.
I should never have hounded you so much.
Lois, we've logged a
lot of miles together.
We've raised a family,
and you're my life partner.
I don't need to know how
many guys you've been with.
The fact is, I love you
more than any number.
It's okay, Peter, I want to tell you.
I don't want any secrets between us.
- The number is 60.
- Whoa.
Okay, little higher than
what I thought it'd be,
but I guess 16 ain't so bad.
No, no, Peter. 60. Six-zero.
[BLEEPING]
- We've got a Code Orange!
- What's that?
It's when a husband finds out his wife
has slept with way more
guys than he thought.
- She's a 60.
- Holy crap!
That's like all the
presidents for 250 years,
plus a softball team and a half.
I'm sure glad they covered
this at Texas Christian.
- [ANKLE MONITOR BEEPING]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
♪
[SIGHS]
- How'd you get ahead of me?
- A trucker picked me up.
He asked for "ass, gas or grass,"
so I gave him ass gas, and
he got mad and tossed me.
This is why I always say commas matter.
[SIGHS] Get in.
I still can't believe
you lied about cancer
just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.
What? What are you talking about?
Brian, when I said "one of my dreams,"
I wasn't talking about
eating at Chaz Inferno's.
I was talking about,
for the first time ever,
actually having real fun with
a family member who wasn't
mocking me, or farting in my face,
or telling me I'm ugly.
I guess I lied to you
because I just wanted this
amazing trip we've been
having to last a little longer.
You know what?
I've had a really good
time with you, too, Meg.
And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said
I might die, all I could think
about was spending the rest of
my life with someone who
really loves and cares about me.
And that was you.
Of course, Meg. We're family.
♪
But, wait, then why did
your bra smell like cancer?
Yeah, you know, I was
thinking about that.
Maybe because I buy all my
undergarments at thrift stores.
Ew. Bro, you gotta wash them jawns.
Hey, is that is that
Peter at the Dairy Queen?
It is!
Dad, what are you doing?
I Blizzarded and boobed
my way down to Florida!
I'm entitled to this.
Your mother's had 60 men!
[ANNOUNCER] We now return to 60 Minutes.
I thought we agreed
to banish the number 60
- from this house.
- Are you still upset about this?
I told you one of 'em
was just so I could get
cast in Shakespeare in Love.
- That doesn't help.
- Well, what if I said you were
bigger than all of them, huh?
- Would that help?
- Actually, yes.
[GASPS] Lois, Truth or
Dare: Of all the guys
you've been with, am I the biggest?
Definitely, Peter.
[BOTH MOANING]
[ANNOUNCER] Marriage: Just lie.
It's not that big a deal.