Family Guy s24e09 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
You see this crap about Ron DeSantis?
He's sending a bus full of
migrants from Florida up to Quahog.
And I don't like it.
Immigrants are trying to take jobs away
from hardworking Americans like me.
You faked Covid five times this month.
Huh. They're having a rally
tomorrow to welcome them here.
I'm gonna go down there and
see what's really going on.
Have fun with the other
unemployed, bleeding hearts.
Peter, are you gonna do the
dishes you said you'd do?
Ugh! Can't we get an
immigrant for that already?
Where do you think you're going?
Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut,
and me and the guys won tickets.
So far, they've only released
a silhouette of the meat.
I threw $100 on bison.
- Never know.
- Peter, We have dinner
with Crystal and Clay tonight.
We talked about this yesterday.
Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?
[SIGHS] Yes.
And do I typically remember things
you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?
- No.
- Then why
I forget. I had hard alcohol today.
How do we even know these people?
No idea.
I have rescheduled this so many times,
I can't remember who they are.
- Lois.
- Hey, you guys. Ha.
You know, I just want to
get this out of the way.
I am completely blanking on how we met.
Oh! Thank God.
Me, too!
But it doesn't matter.
We're here now.
You weren't the one who got in a
fistfight in my yoga class, were you?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] No, it wasn't me.
I'm sure whoever it was had her reasons.
Like maybe that bitch shouldn't
have run her bitch mouth.
I don't know. I wasn't there.
Hey, Peter, I'm Clay.
Listen, I don't want
to sound like a fanboy,
but did I hear you
work at Pawtucket Pat?
Yeah. Why?
That's maybe, like, the coolest job
I've ever heard of anyone having.
- It It is?
- Dude! Yes!
You gotta tell me what
it's like to work there.
Lois. This guy is legit
like a rock star to me.
See, Lois, I told you
I ain't just some bum.
You don't like football by
any chance, do you, Peter?
[GASPS] Lois, I'm gonna
be over here with Clay.
Well, look who came around.
Maybe we should all hang out more often.
I'm in. We're always in the
market for some cool friends.
Oh, us, too. Remember those
weirdos we hung out with last week?
You know, honey, you could
at least make a guess.
I don't make a guess until
you give me credit card info.
Maybe let's not talk about the
arrangement in front of friends, okay?
- What do we want?
- [IN SPANISH] No hablo ingles.
- When do we want it?
- [IN SPANISH] No hablo ingles.
Hi, there. This is gonna sound
like I'm just here for the food,
but the Instagram post
said there'd be food.
Oh, I'm sorry. We just ran out.
That's fine. I'm Brian, dog guy.
Hello, Brian, the dog guy. I'm Carmen.
Nice to meet you.
You know, immigrants are
kind of like dogs to me.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, no, no, I wasn't
I mean, we're separated from
our families, put in cages,
and all you can do is hope there's
a group of nice people somewhere
- willing to share their home with you.
- I see what you mean.
- So where are you from?
- I'm from Cuba.
Oh, nice. You guys got
elephants and stuff, right?
I think you're thinking of Africa.
No, I think, uh Pretty sure.
Yeah, whatever.
Listen, I'm volunteering
today, so I have to go help out.
Look, I don't normally do this.
But is there any chance
we could go out sometime?
I'm so sorry.
You seem great, but I just
agreed to go out with that guy.
[MAN GRUNTS]
Actually, never mind. I'm free.
If you want, I'm going to the
Havana Club tonight at six.
- You should come.
- Okay, I'll be there.
Thanks.
[SIGHS] America at work.
Immigrants, liberals, conservatives,
and the one guy with absolutely
no idea what's going on here today.
What's going on here?
Some kind of festival?
[CHORUS SINGING]
I stay out of politics.
[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, there you are.
- Oh, you made it!
- Allowed to smoke in here, huh?
Gosh, you really look incredible.
Oh, thank you.
I got here early so we
could be in the horn section.
S-Sorry, you said
"in the horn section"?
[BLARING]
Is it too loud for you?
I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.
No, no, this is this is great.
Do you like for horns to be louder?
No, no, no. That's, that's okay.
You like for horns to be louder.
[DEAFENING]
They played this at my mother's funeral.
Man, you really missed out on
the Boar's Head event, Peter.
Joe even got some chick's number.
Hospice nurse. I, uh, I gotta have
a talk with you guys at some point.
Why'd you bail, Peter?
Lois had a dinner scheduled
with another couple.
That's so lame. I hate that stuff.
You know what? I just
said that to sound cool.
I enjoy meeting new people.
I usually hate it, too.
But these guys were fun.
- Clay and Crystal something.
- [GASPS]
- Oh, boy.
- What?
- Crystal and Clay Duffy?
- Yeah. So what?
Peter, those guys How do I say this?
engage in inter-relationship
coitus on the reg.
- Huh?
- They're swingers,
like the biggest in town.
- They try with everyone.
- Big time!
They tried that with me and Bon.
I stayed out in the car.
Bon went in for a few hours
to talk to them about it.
That never happened again,
uh except for a couple weeks later
[SIGHS DESPONDENTLY]
One other time, I guess.
Hey, how was the date?
The date was awesome,
but that Cuban place
was so loud and there was
cigar smoke everywhere.
I feel like I'm getting a
migraine or something. I just
[STEWIE] Brian!
Brian! Oh, thank God.
- Are you okay?
- [IN CUBAN ACCENT] Yeah, I'm good man.
Just, uh Just give
it a little space, okay?
- What?
- What?
You got diaper cream in your ears?
I said back up, baby.
Why are you talking like Scarface?
I I don't know, man.
I just opened my mouth,
and this is the voice
that comes out, you know?
And when I open my
mouth, blood comes out.
Okay. Again, Chris, that's not funny.
What Brian's doing is funny.
When we pass on an idea,
you really need to move on.
[STOMACH GRUMBLES]
I'm starting to get a little hungry.
Do you think you could get, like,
an English muffin or something?
I really like the
nooks and crannies, man.
So, what do you think, doc?
How come I wake up sounding like this?
Well, it's unusual, but
this is a very real thing.
Google it. It's called
Foreign Accent Syndrome.
It's usually brought on by some
kind of trauma to the brain.
I'm guessing that migraine
scrambled you all up.
So this is like an actual disorder?
Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes.
They had on this English lady
that woke up sounding Chinese.
But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.
You know, I wonder if you sound that way
because you were around all
those Cuban people at the club.
Oye, Stewie! Carmen says she's
gonna come by the hospital.
She can't hear me sound like this.
She's gonna think I'm making fun of her.
All right, Just relax. Maybe we can
Brian, how are you doing?
I came as soon as I heard.
- [BRIAN GRUNTS]
- Sorry. He's not talking yet.
Aww! My poor little guy.
You don't need to say a word.
You just relax.
- Doctor.
- [EXASPERATED] What?
Do you think it's worth
checking him for, like,
a stroke or brain cancer?
Come on, man. It's 4:45.
So you'll never guess what the guys
had to say about Clay and Crystal.
Apparently, they're like major swingers.
What? [LAUGHS] No, that's ridiculous.
Seriously, all three of them
said they tried stuff with them.
Well, now this is weird.
We're seeing them again tomorrow night.
I mean, do we cancel?
I don't think so.
We had fun with them.
Who cares what they do
in their private lives?
But what do we do if they
try something with us?
Well, obviously, we say no.
Obviously, that's not us.
No, we'd never do anything like that.
We don't have to. What we have is great.
The best. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, would it be nice to be asked?
- Sure.
- Sure. Right.
It'd be nice to know we're at
least in the pool of consideration.
It'd be great to be in the pool.
I think I'm going to
get a facial tomorrow.
Not because of this,
but because I need one.
Totally. And I gotta buy deodorant.
Not because of this, but
because mine's all the way
down to the plastic.
Thing's like a cheese grater.
You've got a lot of
nice things in this room.
Purple octopus.
I ain't never had no purple
octopus. Time machine.
Hey, what, you gonna impact
the past or something, man?
Disrupt the space-time continuum?
All right, stop just
riffing on things you see.
Now, if you're going to
continue seeing Carmen,
we've got to try and get
your speaking voice back.
Try to repeat exactly what I say.
"It's really nice to
see you again, Carmen."
It's nice to be here with you, baby.
You're gonna get humped like
you wouldn't believe tonight.
Okay, not quite there.
"So, Carmen, do you have any pets?"
I seen a mouse this one
time. Thing was crazy, bro.
Running all around with a
little tail moving side to side.
I thought that thing
was gonna bite me, man.
Can you guys keep it down in here?
- Sorry. We were just trying to
- I don't need to know why.
I just need you to shut up.
Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man.
- You don't talk to him like that.
- I'm sorry.
Next time I hear you talk that
way, I'm gonna kick you so hard,
your big ass gonna land in Saskatchewan.
Mom! Brian said I have a
big ass in a Scarface voice.
Well, that was yet another
fantastic evening with you two.
Totally. Always love a
little time with the Griffs.
So, um, what, uh
What now? Do we keep her going?
Yeah. What's the, uh What's
the old game plan-a-rino?
Oh! You know, I think
I'm done for the night.
Oh, come on! It's only nine o'clock.
I mean, I'm up for a little
fun. Oh! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Next time. I'm a little zonked, too.
Great to see you again, Peter.
Oh, no, I think we've
leveled up to hugs.
Get in here, you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Okay.
We'll see you guys again soon.
Swingers, my ass.
Maybe they're just not into us.
Uh, no. If anything, it's
us that's not into them.
Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us,
but we're not that type of people.
Ew! No!
Ew, like what even is that life?
Sad is what it is.
Doing it in weird places.
Just having sex with
every couple they meet.
Well, every couple except us.
Except us.
Why not us?
- Where are you going?
- They left their cornbread.
Hopefully they didn't
clear the table yet.
Hold that door, please.
Just try not to talk too much.
You're gonna get us beat up
with that accent you're doing.
It's so weird, man.
In my mind, it sounds like
I'm just talking regular
and outside, I end up sounding
like some kind of big banana head.
- Hot chocolate for Brain.
- You say "Brain?"
Do you know anyone named "Brain?"
It's Brian! As in
Dennehy, Cranston and Cox.
I'm sorry, sir.
That guy's got matcha powder
in his ears or something.
A lot of stuff in people's ears today.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, crap, man. It's Carmen.
I keep avoiding her calls.
I don't want her to think
I'm mocking her, you know.
Brian, you have to answer.
She's going to think
you're not into her anymore.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hello? Brian's phone.
This is Miss Penny
Apple, Brian's assistant.
We dated for a little while,
but we disclosed it to HR,
so it was all aboveboard.
[GRUNTS] Anyway, I ended
it after he got physical.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
He'll be there. Bye, dear.
- Well?
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Her cousin's getting married Saturday,
and she wants to bring you as her date.
What? Her whole family is going to think
I'm making fun of their accents.
There's no way I can go.
She said Jenna Ortega
is going to be there.
Buenas noches!
[ANNOUNCER] We'll be back with more
[ANNOUNCER READING]
after this.
So what you think?
How am I gonna go to this
wedding sounding like this?
Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat
of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.
Hey, mailman!
No more putting the paper in
the little slot in my house, eh?
The sound wakes me
up from my doggy naps.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm not even the courier
for your postal route.
That's Laverne!
Those people are absolute weirdos.
They call themselves swingers.
Two whole dinners and not even
an elbow brush on the boob.
Not that we would even
- do anything anyway.
- Of course not.
I mean, not that any of this
matters because we're normal people.
That being said, it
would be nice to be asked.
It would be nice to be freaking asked.
Maybe they're waiting
for a third night with us.
- What do you mean?
- Well, in the dating world,
three dates usually
mean sex is on the table.
Oh, I see.
So, this is all just
part of the dance, huh?
They're trying to see
- if we're actually into them.
- Which we're not.
- No.
- It's got to be that.
All right, I'm texting them.
Now? Won't that look desperate?
Desperate? They're the ones
trying to swing with us.
To which we'll promptly say no.
Moment it happens, without hesitation,
- we shut it down.
- Shut it down.
- [MESSAGE TONE PLAYS]
- We're in.
- Dinner at their house tomorrow night.
- Oh, at their house?
Could they be any more obvious about it?
Yeah. Be a little artful about it, guys.
So, first time I'm seeing that.
I can't say I like it.
I can't believe you got
me in this mess, man.
I got, like, butterflies in my stomach.
I can feel 'em all
flapping around, you know?
You have nothing to worry about.
I've developed an AI voice modulator
to match your natural speaking
voice. Here, put this on.
- You think this thing's gonna work, man?
- [MODULATOR BEEPS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't
want to upset Carmen.
Oh, hey, wow! It's me again.
- Testing. One, two, three.
- [BEEPS]
[IN CUBAN ACCENT] I will break
your freaking head open, man.
- [BEEPS]
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Testing, 1, 2, 3.
Great. It works. And I'll be in your ear
the whole time in case
anything goes wrong.
- So don't worry.
- [MODULATOR BEEPS]
It is nice to see you again, Carmen.
I am enjoying your company tonight.
Olive Garden Summer Nights are back.
[IN CUBAN ACCENT] Hey,
wait! What the hell was that?
Oh, yeah, the software
has ads sometimes.
Ads? What do you mean, ads?
They want 13 bucks a month
now for premium. Deal with it.
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- Brian. There you are.
I'd like you to meet
my mother and father.
[STEWIE, OVER EARPIECE]
Play it cool. You got this?
It's nice to meet you, Brian.
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez.
What a beautiful night for a wedding.
Carmen tells me you are a writer.
I enjoy putting pen to paper and
allowing my heart to do the rest.
If you or someone you love has
been injured in a work accident,
it's time to call
Feinstein and Forlizzi, PC.
Thank you, Brian. I will keep
this, uh, Feinstein in mind.
- Don't forget Forlizzi.
- [ALL LAUGH]
[STEWIE] See? I told you it would work.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Ugh! The Postmates
guy forgot the ketchup.
Hey, buddy, I think
you forgot the ketchup.
[MAN] Oh, I'm sorry, man. I
gotta go pick up my kid from camp.
[STEWIE] Tell him he's
gonna be there for a bit.
It's your job. I don't
know what to tell you.
[DOORBELL DINGS]
Did you take a Harry Potter patch
off that blazer before you put it on?
Yeah. Only thing is, they're
not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw.
That should be fine. Right?
Hey, good to see you.
We felt bad about how
things ended the other night,
so thought we could have a do over.
I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way.
You guys look nice.
You didn't have to get all dressed up.
This is a sweat suit from Target.
A very sexy sweat suit, I might add.
Wow, Great house.
Are these the original hardwoods?
I'm a huge hardwood guy,
you know what I mean, Crystal?
Oh, this is a big comfy
couch. [LAUGHS COYLY]
What do you say we I
don't know, hang out,
put on some Natalie Imbrog Imbrug
The chick who sings "Torn."
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe.
Warm tonight, isn't it?
Guys, what's going on here?
You're acting really weird.
What? Aren't you guys swingers?
We like to have fun, yeah, but
we don't do it with everyone.
Then, then what? What's wrong with us?
Don't take it so personally.
Every pair of swingers
has one flaccid friendship.
Yeah, you know, just kind
of a meat and potatoes couple
you go bowling with once in a while.
We just like hanging out
with you guys as friends.
I don't even know what
you're talking about,
but we don't want to be anything
more than friends with you guys.
Maybe it's best we just call it a night.
Please. I'll pay for it. How
much to make it happen right now?
- Touch it.
- Oh, would you stop it already?
They probably don't want us
because you come off so desperate.
Me? You're practically
draping yourself all over 'em.
Because I'm the candy here, Peter.
If there's any chance of this
happening, it's because of me.
You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing.
[BOTH GROWLING MENACINGLY]
[BOTH MOANING]
[DOG BARKING]
Well, we didn't swing,
but we did have violent sex
in front of another couple.
There'll be a little
asterisk in the record books,
but it still kind of counts.
Their dog was barking
at us the whole time.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Stewie, What are you doing here?
Oh, just wanted to check out the scene.
Things seem to be going so well.
- I thought I'd ramp it up a notch.
- What do you mean?
[CLINKING]
Everyone. Brian would like to say
a few words to the bride and the groom.
I'm sorry. What?
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Um, hello. First of all, I'd like
to thank you for having me here.
Back To School Season
is almost here at Macy's.
What I mean to say is you can save
15% on car insurance at Home Depot.
- There's no job too big.
- [STEWIE] Little problem, Brian.
I left the van open and there
are squirrels everywhere.
They're climbing all over the
equipment and they got my nuggets,
and now they're gnawing on the wires.
- [LINE BREAKS, STATIC]
- Wait, Stewie.
[IN CUBAN ACCENT] Does that mean
this thing don't work no more?
Okay, enough of this, man.
Yeah, I got a few
things I'd like to say.
How's everybody doing tonight, eh?
This guy gonna hump that
chick real good tonight, man.
- I'll tell you that.
- [ALL GASP]
Funny thing about immigrants, man.
You're all like a bunch of dogs to me.
- [ALL GASP]
- [GROWLS]
Cheers to all the
immigrant dogs here tonight.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Say hello to my little friend.
Hey, I'm Stewie.
What do you think you are doing?
Coming here and doing some
disgusting impersonation of my family?
Hey, man, you don't understand.
No, you don't understand.
What you think, big man?
Do you think you got a
bigger shirt collar than me?
Do you think your car's interior
has a better animal print than mine?
Do you think your crocodile boots
have more lines between the
crocodile parts than mine?
Do you think you've got more
pineapples on your shirt than me?
Let's count them. Let's
have a little contest and see
who the most pineapple-y
guy is tonight.
Everyone throw your dinner rolls at him.
You think you can take me?
You're gonna need an army to take me.
Huh? I'm still standing, eh!
I take your rolls!
One of you boys gonna
teach me how to samba,
or do I need to figure
out a new Saturday?
Well, it's a good thing
that crack on the head
brought your voice back to normal.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, but I'm bummed
Carmen's never gonna speak to
me again. I really liked her.
Eh! I saw you dance at the wedding.
You weren't gonna make
it in a Latin family.
What's wrong with the way I dance?
You want to see a video of it?
- Probably not, right?
- I wouldn't.