Family Guy s24e10 Episode Script
A Few More Ways to Die in the West
1
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPUR CLINKING]
Whoa! What happened to you?
It's not my fault. They put
the saloon next to the salon
and I got very confused.
What's your name, stranger?
They call me [BURPS] "Quiet Burp".
Yeah, I've heard about you.
Flush.
Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?
Four deuces.
[ALL CHEERING]
Way to go.
Something doesn't smell
right about that hand.
Your cards neither.
You're calling me a cheat?
I just don't like the
feeling I'm getting plucked.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's go. Train's leaving the station.
Who's your handler, Burp?
I'm Vivienne,
which is a man's name back now.
That's what you're telling yourself?
I'm the man with no name.
I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.
- But what was your name again?
- Django. Unclaimed.
I know you had those deuces
stuffed down your pants, Burp!
We could finish this
conversation on a moonless night.
Yeah? And what do you
say we finish it now?
[GUN FIRES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[TRAIN HOOTING]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[GLASS BREAKING]
[FARTING]
[TRAIN HOOTING]
I don't get why we're
transporting your money
in the first place.
Why not just build your own bank?
Don't lecture me on business sense.
I made all my money in
not sharp enough bone saws
during the Civil War.
Dulled the first batch of blades myself.
Oh now, here's something.
"Lady hanged for wearing pants."
Good. One less wacko on the streets.
"American West, uninhabited asterisk."
I wonder what the asterisk means.
[TRAIN ENGINE CHUGGING]
Would you look at this, kid?
In a few days we'll be striking
it rich in the current West.
Oh weird.
Does this look vegetarian to you?
You know, I never do this,
but I'm gonna say something.
I think we should be
keeping a low profile.
People are still pretty upset.
Look, it was a mutual decision
to kick John Wilkes Booth
out of our improv group.
Who knew he was gonna do that?
I do feel kind of bad, though.
Honestly, I was just glad
he finally made an
active choice on stage.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
Can I just be the first person to say
I love seeing this country by train?
[WIND BLOWS]
Ah shoot.
Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.
But did you need that
money for anything?
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hand over the money!
They already got us.
Oh perfect!
Well, I'm really glad we
stopped for lunch, Jim.
Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty
for catching the robber.
I'm sure glad I get to
form a posse with you guys.
Hey, how'd you get the
name Wild Joe, anyway?
[SIGHS] I once kissed a
woman I wasn't engaged to.
Ruined her for every other man.
And I almost entered a
ghost pepper challenge.
Gave it a real hard thought.
Hey, look at little Bobby
Oppenheimer over there
playing with firecrackers.
Man, is there anything more common
in these times than a rural Jew?
All right. The bandit's
trail leads to Golden Stream.
But look sharp, fellas, to get there,
we gotta cross through Indian territory.
Look.
[TAPPING KEYBOARDS]
Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?
- I like their long shirts.
- Tell 'em.
I like your long shirts.
Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.
If you get bit, the only cure is
for someone to suck the poison out.
Is that right?
Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy
leak by those cool sandy bushes.
Letter for Quiet Burp.
[BURPS] That's me.
Oh cool. Wow.
Without addresses, I
spent the past nine years
just asking everyone I see.
Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!
Did you get in?
No, it's it's for someone else.
But the guy said Quiet
They put me on the
overweight list, okay?
Bunch of wise guys.
If you need me, I'll be
binge watching the campfire.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
That'll show 'em.
Separating those
carpetbaggers from their money.
Huh, and their Tucks
Medicated pads, too.
[MAN] Guys, we got a problem.
Somebody dip some palm
fronds in the creek
and stuff them through
the crescent moon hole.
All right. The tracks have stopped.
So the guy's gotta be
around here somewhere.
- Hey, hey, you guys see that?
-
I, I may go in just as a joke.
I may join you just as a joke.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
All right. I'll see you guys inside.
Hey, and to think this horse saved me
when someone was gonna put me down.
[SHERRIF] I wouldn't worry over
cinching them knots too tight.
Named Sheriff West.
Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.
Will you stop saying
that to everyone we meet?
You fellas ain't the first
hired guns to blow into my town.
So you got any notions
of stirring up trouble?
You snuff that lantern out now.
Take a step out of line.
The next one will be on to the scaffold.
Don't take much to earn
tickets to a necktie social.
Do you have these
written down somewhere?
[CHURCH BELL DINGING]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Of course, if you prefer,
we could just head on
down to the marshal's.
They got just about everything you need
so long as it's from the brand Nautica.
-
- [RUNNING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
-
All the envelopes are sealed.
Hey, buddy. Is that
your schoolhouse teacher?
School house?
This is Arizona State University.
Yeah? Any idea whose
sheets she's hanging?
Her husband [STUTTERS]
died in childbirth.
His picture is in that locket.
Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.
Well, actually, word is
[STUTTERS] the pictures of
the piece he was swinging.
I see. Well, maybe we could
still be really good friends.
Hey, there. Name is [BURPS] Quiet Burp.
A-ha. Nice to meet you.
I'm the "hair blowing in the
wind school mom", Lucy Stools.
[WIND BLOWS]
You know, I'd love to learn
more about Golden Stream.
Would you be up for dinner?
Oh, well, it's nice of an
armed stranger to wander into
an active classroom to ask me this.
How about 6:30?
Perfect. And hey, maybe
we could go dancing after.
I haven't been in forever.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GUN FIRING]
I wish there was a way to
dance that didn't involve this.
[CROWD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, decent crowd.
Now let's go through our warm ups.
Say it with me. "Cute
cowboys come quick.
Cute cowboys come quick."
What are we even performing?
Well, if there's one thing
freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,
it's a Shakespearean drama.
So I give you Richard the third.
Now, during my full frontal
scene, I want you to remain calm.
Because if I see you getting
nervous, then I'll get nervous.
Which scene does he get nude in?
I don't know. It's one of
the castle ones, I think.
I don't know. Now, come on!
Let's show these cowboys and
Indians what they're fighting for.
"Shine out fair sun till
I have bought a glass
so that I may see my shadow as I pass."
Shoot. We're losing them.
Maybe we try a little improv.
Okay. Okay.
- Um, I need a location.
- [MAN1] Yellowstone.
- Occupation.
- [MAN1] Yellowstone rancher.
[SIGHS] Can I hear from
anyone else, please?
- Need a little red meat here.
- [MAN2] A barrel maker.
There's some [BLEEPS] fertile ground.
- I see why you mentioned it.
- One barrel, please, sir.
Damn it, Dog Holiday!
Don't play along with them.
We just want to see
programs about Yellowstone.
Can be way before right now,
soared and near right
now or in the future.
As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.
Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.
And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.
[CROWD BOOING]
I think I owe John Wilkes Booth
an apology for his improv skills.
How do we bomb harder than
the minstrel performers?
I can think of only one
thing that will save us.
Here's my impression
of James A. Garfield.
I am James A. Garfield.
I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.
His impression is helped by none
of us ever having heard his voice.
I bet he sounds like that, though.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Tonight's special is a
souffle and a filet mignon.
Sorry. These words just got here.
I thought you were the Sheriff.
Lot of jobs, not enough people.
I'm trying to avoid glutton.
And I told you I
didn't want any trouble.
So were you in the Civil War?
Yeah, I fought for the middle.
A couple of days in, I
found a two sided uniform.
Oh, still wearing it, wow.
Eventually, both sides caught on.
So I survived by hiding
under a pile of bodies.
For four years ate
nothing but dead butts.
Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.
Yeah, it was either that or
live in Atlanta as a woman.
But I'm a different person now.
I wish I'd experienced
more when I was younger.
And look at me now. A widow.
I mean, my students
don't even respect me.
I would have loved
having you as a teacher.
You're smart, pretty and I don't know.
Seeing you today, I felt
more than I have in a while.
That's funny. I felt the
same spark with you, too.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Madeline? From Atlanta?
No, no, that is no longer my truth.
All we need is a little costume repair.
Find our opening. Let's see.
Livery stable, brothel,
three dry goods stores.
Wait a minute. That's it!
It's the ultimate zag holiday.
We'll ride this wave right
onto the streets of Paris.
Get your high waters
on and start selling.
Can I interest you in
checking out our supply, sir?
Picture yourself
waking up in the morning
and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.
Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?
We supply the wettest
flower in the West.
Oatmeal ready to eat
before it's even opened.
Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.
Perfect for your stringiest events.
[WIND BLOWING]
[SIGHS] It's peaceful
out here, isn't it?
The wind, the birds, the thousand
Asians dynamiting a mountain.
- [EXPLOSION]
- [HORSES WHINING]
You know, usually men don't want
anything to do with me.
See, my late husband and I had
eight children, but 12 died at birth.
The mortality rate's 140%.
But the truth is, these past two scenes
are the most fun I've had in a while.
Me too, Lucy.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[FARTS]
Sorry, I was holding that.
I didn't want to crack my saddle.
[SNIFFS, GROANS]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Y'all know if this is
the way to the saloon?
I'm a Pinkerton agent
in need of direction.
And once I find the saloon,
I'm going in buns glazing.
Yippee-ki-yay, mister.
I can't believe this. Lucy,
you're the train robber?
I was sent to bring you in.
You don't understand.
I was only doing it
because of the destruction
your bosses bone saw
brought upon the soldiers.
The stolen money was
redistributed to their families.
Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?
Name one movie where
the good guy uses a cane.
I don't
Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?
Who's Michael J. Fox?
Ah, you don't know him,
but your great, great, great
grandkids are gonna love him.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't know about you
fellas, but I'm pretty beat.
Stayed up with a prostitute last
night and got the full service.
- What'd you do?
- Cried in her lap mostly.
The chicks will do
anything in this town.
What did you get up to, Django?
I rode over and said hi to
the other Black guy in town.
Oh yeah? How's he doing?
Not well.
- [HORSE WHINING]
- Where you been, Quiet?
We spent all this time
hunting for that train robber,
and you haven't helped one bit.
Interesting you say
that. Hey, quick update.
The school mom's the bad
guy, but I'm in love with her
and want you guys to be cool with it.
Oh, and we're registered
at the wet goods store.
We can't let you get married, Quiet.
You promised we were gonna
have the most epic summer ever!
We still can. You three
will be my groomsmen.
Which one of us is the best man?
Oh, it's uh it's a friend
from a high school posse.
- Ah, come on.
- That's [GROANS]
Look, I'm sorry. I just
You never forget your
first posse, you know?
You told us we were the
best posse you ever had.
They say possess posse,
but I can see this one's not
as tight as it used to be.
Okay, well, you know something?
I think this posse stinks.
Sorry. Burp. With this
5,000, we can live like kings
in the most cosmopolitan
city in America, Saint Louis.
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
So what do you need to show me?
Well, I was drinking
from the stream earlier,
and something caught my eye.
Gold panning. Of course.
Now there's gonna be temptation to
kill each other when we find gold.
So let's agree on a pact.
I'll watch your stuff here
while you turn your
back and start panning.
Oh, and if you hear a metallic
click, it's probably a twig.
I'd counsel you fellas against
laying a claim to these parts
or may I head upstream
hell bent for leather.
Thank you, man without teeth.
We'll bear that in mind.
Just saying there's
gold up in them up hills.
"Them, the?" These
prospectors and their pronouns.
Am I right?
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.
I can't hear you.
What's that?
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
[STUTTERING] Oh, I get it.
You were making fun of my stutter,
you sadistic son of a bitch! [SLAPS]
Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!
But you were making fun of my stutter.
Of course I was.
We live in an era where you
can make fun of anything.
You can make fun of [BLEEP]
and [BLEEP] and even [BLEEP].
And you can still call a [BLEEP].
So say it all now before they stop you.
- Before who stops you.
- Mostly [BLEEP].
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
We know you're in there
'cause we already burned down
two of your previously listed addresses.
But I was born in an orphanage.
Yeah, we found out.
[QUIET] Get ready to draw.
I put the sun in the corner.
Sorry, Quiet. You lit
this fuse yourself.
So either walk away
or the undertaker will
have a busy afternoon.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GUN FIRING]
[GLASS BREAKING]
Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?
Told you, when it comes to folks
in this here town, I ain't
got no tolerance for violence.
Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.
Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.
Let's ride off to the inexplicable music
from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
[SONG PLAYING]
-
- [SONG ENDS]
- Ah great. My eyes are closed.
-
I don't know why that
bothers me, but it does.
[HORSES GALLOPING]
Oh no, they're right on us.
Quick, let's head for that canyon.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, do you see that newspaper?
The Osage struck oil.
Boy, I hope one day an
Italian tells their story.
You know, I'm about fed up with these
half-baked schemes of yours.
Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.
I said we should do a dog show.
A talking dog and you
wanted to jump through hoops.
Look out, Buffalo Bill.
We got ourselves a
first rate entertainer.
Wilkes Booth would have been on board.
Oh yeah, he had a lot
of high minded ideas.
But now that you mention
it, I'm starting to wonder
if we didn't kick the wrong
member out of our improv group.
In fact, I bet we
could prop up his corpse
and get a more convincing
performance right now.
You know what? That's it!
- [SLAPS]
- [KICKS]
[GROANS]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.
Maybe grab a nap in our long johns
that show the outlines of our packages.
Holy crap! Look!
Oh my God!
After this long john
nap, we're gonna be rich.
- [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [HORSES GALLOPING]
It's all over, Quiet. You
should just turn me in.
[EXPLOSION]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Quick, Holiday. Gather
all the glitter you can
to the inexplicable music from
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
We did it, Quiet!
You know, for a second there,
I thought you were gonna turn me in.
Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die
right here and never come up again.
[VIVIENNE] End of the line, Burp.
Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.
Look who I found.
I know you were on the run.
Ah, I was wondering why
this thing kept beeping.
[BEEPING]
How about a duel? I
win. You let us go free.
Why would I agree to that?
I'm the one with the aimed gun.
Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Man, that one was really up there.
[GUNSHOT]
[BLOWS] Undefeated.
You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,
am excited to quit this life
and settle down for good.
Me too, Quiet.
With you, I no longer
feel like I'm staring
at the coals of a dwindling future.
I have a whole life to live.
Full of experiences.
Starting with this one.
Oh, Lucy.
Yours is the only posse I want to be in.
[HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Look at this, Holiday.
I've also got a lead on a
shipment of ostrich feathers.
There'll be no stopping us.
I know. I'm glad we converted
the schoolhouse to this.
I love this DJ.
[SONG PLAYING] Oh my darling ♪
Oh my darling, oh my darling ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Everybody dance now! ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
[MAN SPEAKING] That
night there were 12 ODs
and 24 horse related
drunk driving desks.
Folks forget the real
hazard in the frontier
laying out in disease or bullets.
No, it was mostly them
bisexual nightclubs.
Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.
I'm Wild West.
And I was in this episode a
lot less than you'd expect.
[SONG PLAYING] Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Everybody dance now ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SPUR CLINKING]
Whoa! What happened to you?
It's not my fault. They put
the saloon next to the salon
and I got very confused.
What's your name, stranger?
They call me [BURPS] "Quiet Burp".
Yeah, I've heard about you.
Flush.
Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?
Four deuces.
[ALL CHEERING]
Way to go.
Something doesn't smell
right about that hand.
Your cards neither.
You're calling me a cheat?
I just don't like the
feeling I'm getting plucked.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's go. Train's leaving the station.
Who's your handler, Burp?
I'm Vivienne,
which is a man's name back now.
That's what you're telling yourself?
I'm the man with no name.
I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.
- But what was your name again?
- Django. Unclaimed.
I know you had those deuces
stuffed down your pants, Burp!
We could finish this
conversation on a moonless night.
Yeah? And what do you
say we finish it now?
[GUN FIRES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[TRAIN HOOTING]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[GLASS BREAKING]
[FARTING]
[TRAIN HOOTING]
I don't get why we're
transporting your money
in the first place.
Why not just build your own bank?
Don't lecture me on business sense.
I made all my money in
not sharp enough bone saws
during the Civil War.
Dulled the first batch of blades myself.
Oh now, here's something.
"Lady hanged for wearing pants."
Good. One less wacko on the streets.
"American West, uninhabited asterisk."
I wonder what the asterisk means.
[TRAIN ENGINE CHUGGING]
Would you look at this, kid?
In a few days we'll be striking
it rich in the current West.
Oh weird.
Does this look vegetarian to you?
You know, I never do this,
but I'm gonna say something.
I think we should be
keeping a low profile.
People are still pretty upset.
Look, it was a mutual decision
to kick John Wilkes Booth
out of our improv group.
Who knew he was gonna do that?
I do feel kind of bad, though.
Honestly, I was just glad
he finally made an
active choice on stage.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
Can I just be the first person to say
I love seeing this country by train?
[WIND BLOWS]
Ah shoot.
Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.
But did you need that
money for anything?
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hand over the money!
They already got us.
Oh perfect!
Well, I'm really glad we
stopped for lunch, Jim.
Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty
for catching the robber.
I'm sure glad I get to
form a posse with you guys.
Hey, how'd you get the
name Wild Joe, anyway?
[SIGHS] I once kissed a
woman I wasn't engaged to.
Ruined her for every other man.
And I almost entered a
ghost pepper challenge.
Gave it a real hard thought.
Hey, look at little Bobby
Oppenheimer over there
playing with firecrackers.
Man, is there anything more common
in these times than a rural Jew?
All right. The bandit's
trail leads to Golden Stream.
But look sharp, fellas, to get there,
we gotta cross through Indian territory.
Look.
[TAPPING KEYBOARDS]
Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?
- I like their long shirts.
- Tell 'em.
I like your long shirts.
Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.
If you get bit, the only cure is
for someone to suck the poison out.
Is that right?
Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy
leak by those cool sandy bushes.
Letter for Quiet Burp.
[BURPS] That's me.
Oh cool. Wow.
Without addresses, I
spent the past nine years
just asking everyone I see.
Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!
Did you get in?
No, it's it's for someone else.
But the guy said Quiet
They put me on the
overweight list, okay?
Bunch of wise guys.
If you need me, I'll be
binge watching the campfire.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
That'll show 'em.
Separating those
carpetbaggers from their money.
Huh, and their Tucks
Medicated pads, too.
[MAN] Guys, we got a problem.
Somebody dip some palm
fronds in the creek
and stuff them through
the crescent moon hole.
All right. The tracks have stopped.
So the guy's gotta be
around here somewhere.
- Hey, hey, you guys see that?
-
I, I may go in just as a joke.
I may join you just as a joke.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
All right. I'll see you guys inside.
Hey, and to think this horse saved me
when someone was gonna put me down.
[SHERRIF] I wouldn't worry over
cinching them knots too tight.
Named Sheriff West.
Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.
Will you stop saying
that to everyone we meet?
You fellas ain't the first
hired guns to blow into my town.
So you got any notions
of stirring up trouble?
You snuff that lantern out now.
Take a step out of line.
The next one will be on to the scaffold.
Don't take much to earn
tickets to a necktie social.
Do you have these
written down somewhere?
[CHURCH BELL DINGING]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Of course, if you prefer,
we could just head on
down to the marshal's.
They got just about everything you need
so long as it's from the brand Nautica.
-
- [RUNNING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
-
All the envelopes are sealed.
Hey, buddy. Is that
your schoolhouse teacher?
School house?
This is Arizona State University.
Yeah? Any idea whose
sheets she's hanging?
Her husband [STUTTERS]
died in childbirth.
His picture is in that locket.
Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.
Well, actually, word is
[STUTTERS] the pictures of
the piece he was swinging.
I see. Well, maybe we could
still be really good friends.
Hey, there. Name is [BURPS] Quiet Burp.
A-ha. Nice to meet you.
I'm the "hair blowing in the
wind school mom", Lucy Stools.
[WIND BLOWS]
You know, I'd love to learn
more about Golden Stream.
Would you be up for dinner?
Oh, well, it's nice of an
armed stranger to wander into
an active classroom to ask me this.
How about 6:30?
Perfect. And hey, maybe
we could go dancing after.
I haven't been in forever.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GUN FIRING]
I wish there was a way to
dance that didn't involve this.
[CROWD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, decent crowd.
Now let's go through our warm ups.
Say it with me. "Cute
cowboys come quick.
Cute cowboys come quick."
What are we even performing?
Well, if there's one thing
freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,
it's a Shakespearean drama.
So I give you Richard the third.
Now, during my full frontal
scene, I want you to remain calm.
Because if I see you getting
nervous, then I'll get nervous.
Which scene does he get nude in?
I don't know. It's one of
the castle ones, I think.
I don't know. Now, come on!
Let's show these cowboys and
Indians what they're fighting for.
"Shine out fair sun till
I have bought a glass
so that I may see my shadow as I pass."
Shoot. We're losing them.
Maybe we try a little improv.
Okay. Okay.
- Um, I need a location.
- [MAN1] Yellowstone.
- Occupation.
- [MAN1] Yellowstone rancher.
[SIGHS] Can I hear from
anyone else, please?
- Need a little red meat here.
- [MAN2] A barrel maker.
There's some [BLEEPS] fertile ground.
- I see why you mentioned it.
- One barrel, please, sir.
Damn it, Dog Holiday!
Don't play along with them.
We just want to see
programs about Yellowstone.
Can be way before right now,
soared and near right
now or in the future.
As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.
Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.
And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.
[CROWD BOOING]
I think I owe John Wilkes Booth
an apology for his improv skills.
How do we bomb harder than
the minstrel performers?
I can think of only one
thing that will save us.
Here's my impression
of James A. Garfield.
I am James A. Garfield.
I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.
His impression is helped by none
of us ever having heard his voice.
I bet he sounds like that, though.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Tonight's special is a
souffle and a filet mignon.
Sorry. These words just got here.
I thought you were the Sheriff.
Lot of jobs, not enough people.
I'm trying to avoid glutton.
And I told you I
didn't want any trouble.
So were you in the Civil War?
Yeah, I fought for the middle.
A couple of days in, I
found a two sided uniform.
Oh, still wearing it, wow.
Eventually, both sides caught on.
So I survived by hiding
under a pile of bodies.
For four years ate
nothing but dead butts.
Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.
Yeah, it was either that or
live in Atlanta as a woman.
But I'm a different person now.
I wish I'd experienced
more when I was younger.
And look at me now. A widow.
I mean, my students
don't even respect me.
I would have loved
having you as a teacher.
You're smart, pretty and I don't know.
Seeing you today, I felt
more than I have in a while.
That's funny. I felt the
same spark with you, too.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Madeline? From Atlanta?
No, no, that is no longer my truth.
All we need is a little costume repair.
Find our opening. Let's see.
Livery stable, brothel,
three dry goods stores.
Wait a minute. That's it!
It's the ultimate zag holiday.
We'll ride this wave right
onto the streets of Paris.
Get your high waters
on and start selling.
Can I interest you in
checking out our supply, sir?
Picture yourself
waking up in the morning
and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.
Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?
We supply the wettest
flower in the West.
Oatmeal ready to eat
before it's even opened.
Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.
Perfect for your stringiest events.
[WIND BLOWING]
[SIGHS] It's peaceful
out here, isn't it?
The wind, the birds, the thousand
Asians dynamiting a mountain.
- [EXPLOSION]
- [HORSES WHINING]
You know, usually men don't want
anything to do with me.
See, my late husband and I had
eight children, but 12 died at birth.
The mortality rate's 140%.
But the truth is, these past two scenes
are the most fun I've had in a while.
Me too, Lucy.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[FARTS]
Sorry, I was holding that.
I didn't want to crack my saddle.
[SNIFFS, GROANS]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Y'all know if this is
the way to the saloon?
I'm a Pinkerton agent
in need of direction.
And once I find the saloon,
I'm going in buns glazing.
Yippee-ki-yay, mister.
I can't believe this. Lucy,
you're the train robber?
I was sent to bring you in.
You don't understand.
I was only doing it
because of the destruction
your bosses bone saw
brought upon the soldiers.
The stolen money was
redistributed to their families.
Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?
Name one movie where
the good guy uses a cane.
I don't
Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?
Who's Michael J. Fox?
Ah, you don't know him,
but your great, great, great
grandkids are gonna love him.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I don't know about you
fellas, but I'm pretty beat.
Stayed up with a prostitute last
night and got the full service.
- What'd you do?
- Cried in her lap mostly.
The chicks will do
anything in this town.
What did you get up to, Django?
I rode over and said hi to
the other Black guy in town.
Oh yeah? How's he doing?
Not well.
- [HORSE WHINING]
- Where you been, Quiet?
We spent all this time
hunting for that train robber,
and you haven't helped one bit.
Interesting you say
that. Hey, quick update.
The school mom's the bad
guy, but I'm in love with her
and want you guys to be cool with it.
Oh, and we're registered
at the wet goods store.
We can't let you get married, Quiet.
You promised we were gonna
have the most epic summer ever!
We still can. You three
will be my groomsmen.
Which one of us is the best man?
Oh, it's uh it's a friend
from a high school posse.
- Ah, come on.
- That's [GROANS]
Look, I'm sorry. I just
You never forget your
first posse, you know?
You told us we were the
best posse you ever had.
They say possess posse,
but I can see this one's not
as tight as it used to be.
Okay, well, you know something?
I think this posse stinks.
Sorry. Burp. With this
5,000, we can live like kings
in the most cosmopolitan
city in America, Saint Louis.
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
So what do you need to show me?
Well, I was drinking
from the stream earlier,
and something caught my eye.
Gold panning. Of course.
Now there's gonna be temptation to
kill each other when we find gold.
So let's agree on a pact.
I'll watch your stuff here
while you turn your
back and start panning.
Oh, and if you hear a metallic
click, it's probably a twig.
I'd counsel you fellas against
laying a claim to these parts
or may I head upstream
hell bent for leather.
Thank you, man without teeth.
We'll bear that in mind.
Just saying there's
gold up in them up hills.
"Them, the?" These
prospectors and their pronouns.
Am I right?
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.
I can't hear you.
What's that?
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
[STUTTERING] Oh, I get it.
You were making fun of my stutter,
you sadistic son of a bitch! [SLAPS]
Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!
But you were making fun of my stutter.
Of course I was.
We live in an era where you
can make fun of anything.
You can make fun of [BLEEP]
and [BLEEP] and even [BLEEP].
And you can still call a [BLEEP].
So say it all now before they stop you.
- Before who stops you.
- Mostly [BLEEP].
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
We know you're in there
'cause we already burned down
two of your previously listed addresses.
But I was born in an orphanage.
Yeah, we found out.
[QUIET] Get ready to draw.
I put the sun in the corner.
Sorry, Quiet. You lit
this fuse yourself.
So either walk away
or the undertaker will
have a busy afternoon.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GUN FIRING]
[GLASS BREAKING]
Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?
Told you, when it comes to folks
in this here town, I ain't
got no tolerance for violence.
Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.
Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.
Let's ride off to the inexplicable music
from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
[SONG PLAYING]
-
- [SONG ENDS]
- Ah great. My eyes are closed.
-
I don't know why that
bothers me, but it does.
[HORSES GALLOPING]
Oh no, they're right on us.
Quick, let's head for that canyon.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, do you see that newspaper?
The Osage struck oil.
Boy, I hope one day an
Italian tells their story.
You know, I'm about fed up with these
half-baked schemes of yours.
Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.
I said we should do a dog show.
A talking dog and you
wanted to jump through hoops.
Look out, Buffalo Bill.
We got ourselves a
first rate entertainer.
Wilkes Booth would have been on board.
Oh yeah, he had a lot
of high minded ideas.
But now that you mention
it, I'm starting to wonder
if we didn't kick the wrong
member out of our improv group.
In fact, I bet we
could prop up his corpse
and get a more convincing
performance right now.
You know what? That's it!
- [SLAPS]
- [KICKS]
[GROANS]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.
Maybe grab a nap in our long johns
that show the outlines of our packages.
Holy crap! Look!
Oh my God!
After this long john
nap, we're gonna be rich.
- [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [HORSES GALLOPING]
It's all over, Quiet. You
should just turn me in.
[EXPLOSION]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Quick, Holiday. Gather
all the glitter you can
to the inexplicable music from
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
We did it, Quiet!
You know, for a second there,
I thought you were gonna turn me in.
Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die
right here and never come up again.
[VIVIENNE] End of the line, Burp.
Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.
Look who I found.
I know you were on the run.
Ah, I was wondering why
this thing kept beeping.
[BEEPING]
How about a duel? I
win. You let us go free.
Why would I agree to that?
I'm the one with the aimed gun.
Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Man, that one was really up there.
[GUNSHOT]
[BLOWS] Undefeated.
You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,
am excited to quit this life
and settle down for good.
Me too, Quiet.
With you, I no longer
feel like I'm staring
at the coals of a dwindling future.
I have a whole life to live.
Full of experiences.
Starting with this one.
Oh, Lucy.
Yours is the only posse I want to be in.
[HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Look at this, Holiday.
I've also got a lead on a
shipment of ostrich feathers.
There'll be no stopping us.
I know. I'm glad we converted
the schoolhouse to this.
I love this DJ.
[SONG PLAYING] Oh my darling ♪
Oh my darling, oh my darling ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Everybody dance now! ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
[MAN SPEAKING] That
night there were 12 ODs
and 24 horse related
drunk driving desks.
Folks forget the real
hazard in the frontier
laying out in disease or bullets.
No, it was mostly them
bisexual nightclubs.
Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.
I'm Wild West.
And I was in this episode a
lot less than you'd expect.
[SONG PLAYING] Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Everybody dance now ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪