Family Guy s24e12 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
My apologies, Mr. Griffin.
Dr. Hartman is still with a patient,
and definitely not playing Rock Band
through the paper-thin walls
of his office right now.
- [OBJECTS CLATTERING]
- [DR. HARTMAN SINGING] Well, I'm here ♪
To remind you of the mess ♪
Watch out for the plug!
Watch out for the plug!
- [CLICKS]
- Aw, you dope.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Sorry. I was with a very sick patient.
You're still wearing the guitar.
Oops. My bad.
Let's, uh,
keep that off the Yelp, huh?
So you're here for a physical.
I'll start with a few questions.
How many drinks would you say
you have per week?
- Four.
- Oh.
- Hundred.
- Oh.
- Fifty.
- Okay. You need to talk faster.
Now, I'm going to show you
a list of the Top Ten songs on Spotify.
Tell me how many
of these artists or songs you recognize.
None. Oh, oh, wait.
Oh, no, I know her.
Uh, Dua Dua Duo Lingo!
Not sure we can accept that.
Let's go to the Gen Z judge
who's always sad about stuff
he just saw on social media.
Do you even realize how much water
it takes to grow a single almond?
Well, he's busy being sad
about almonds.
However, I can say
that given your age, and embarrassing
lack of pop culture
knowledge, it's time
I schedule you for
your first colonoscopy.
- What the hell is that?
- Here's a video of a plumber
from Southie
describing the whole thing.
So they snake this freaking
camera in your caboose.
Look, I know it sounds gay,
but it ain't.
It's a real medical procedure.
It's not gay.
- [MAN] You ever had one?
- Nah. What am I, gay?
- What's all that stuff?
- Oh, just some forms.
We're going on a field trip
to the animal shelter,
and I need Mom to chaperone.
You need a chaperone
for a trip to the animal shelter,
- and you're not asking me?
- Why?
So you can taunt
all the German Shepherds behind bars?
[SCOFFS] I wouldn't do that.
Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?
Damn. Look, all I'm saying is
I could provide hope
to those dogs in there
who've given up
by telling them my story.
A story of inspiration,
a story of will, a story of triumph.
You were picked up on the side
of the road like a runaway hooker.
A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.
I've been putting off
my colonoscopy for months now.
Yep. My barber said
I'm overdue for mine.
- You mean your doctor?
- Nope. Barber.
Black guys get
their medical advice from their barbers,
and their haircut advice
from their doctors.
We're all just one guy off.
Boy, what happened to the days
when men just ignored
months of bloody toilet water
and slowly withered away
to die a costly and unnecessary death?
You know, maybe the reason
we've been putting this off
is because, deep down, we're scared.
And maybe we'll feel better if we just
talk about what we're scared of.
All right, I'll go first.
I'm mostly scared of someone
seeing my gigantic butt
and tiny wiener.
That's what I'm scared of, too!
What if there was a way to make
the colonoscopy process less scary?
Like, what if we rented a cabin
and did the prep night together,
so we could be there
to support one another?
Huh, that-that would make it easier.
- I'd do it.
- I'd be into that.
Great. Cleveland.
Yep. D'Vante said it's cool.
- I'm assuming D'Vante is
- D'Vante is my barber. Yes.
Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.
Welcome to the animal shelter,
where the pit bull to lesbian
volunteer ratio is always one to one.
- So let's meet
- Hi, Sophie.
Brian Griffin.
Dog who's also pretty much a guy.
I'll take it from here.
Fellow canines,
my name is Brian Griffin.
And before I tell you my
story, I want to hear yours.
Now, how many of you were returned
by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
[DOGS BARKING IN ACCEPTANCE]
Well, I'm here to say that no matter
how pathetic that
bitch Sarah McLachlan
is making you all look
in those commercials,
there is hope
and I am living proof of that.
Everyone moved on to the cat section
three seconds into whatever that was.
Wait, they have cats here?
Oh, I will not be around cats.
It's an animal shelter.
They've got everything.
They even have Diddy's pit bull.
Just let me outside.
I'll play in the yard.
I won't look,
I won't tell nobody nothing.
[CATS MEOWING]
Come on, Brian, even you have to admit
these guys are pretty cute.
No! Cats are terrible,
selfish creatures.
I mean, who poops inside?
Oh, my God! Get it off,
get it off, get it off! [BARKING]
[CAT WHIMPERING]
- [PURRING]
- Huh.
I guess that is kind of cute.
You know,
maybe I was wrong about cats.
Okay, kids,
it's time to see where we keep
all the Rob Schneiders.
Boy, everyone thinks
they're ready for a Rob Schneider
until they get one home.
Come on, Brian, we gotta go.
Right, let me just
take this guy off my
- [HISSING]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BRIAN BARKING]
- [HISSING]
[CAT SHRIEKING AND CRYING]
What are you doing? You're going
to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now!
[BRIAN CONTINUES GROWLING]
[SNAPS]
What happened? I blacked out!
You killed a kitten, you monster!
I told you it was a bad idea
for me to be in here.
Oh, we're going to be
in so much trouble.
Listen, we can't just
leave the dead kitten in here.
Okay, let me think.
There's gotta be a dumpster out back.
We could put it in there.
I don't think we have another choice.
You could always
cover yourself in drugged baby oil
and wake up back at home.
I thought you said
you were gonna keep your mouth shut.
Okay, our colonoscopies
are tomorrow morning.
So, I'm gonna go mix up
some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.
I made a killer diarrhea playlist.
Boy, you guys are gonna
lose it when we're five hours in
and Natalie Imbruglia's Torn comes on.
You got Diana Ross'
I'm Coming Out on there?
This isn't my first
diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?
Gentlemen, say hello to my signature
colonoscopy prep cocktails.
Joe, here's your "Bum and Coke"
Peter, you get a "Pina Colon-ada."
And Cleveland gets a "Gin and Deuce."
[IMITATING SNOOP DOGG] Laid back.
And I made myself a "Coilermaker."
Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes,
bottoms very much down.
- [STOMACHS GURGLING]
- [ALL] Oh, my God!
Now, I assume that a single room cabin
in the woods has four bathrooms?
Well, technically it has
one three-quarter bath.
- So there's not even a tub?
- I call the shower!
Why wouldn't you
call the toilet first?
I don't have time to argue.
- I'll be in the shower!
- I call the toilet. [FARTS]
I'm bagged and ready to go 24/7.
Fine! I'll figure it out. [FARTS]
[PETER] Whose blue luggage is this?
[GLENN] Peter, no!
That's my Away brand luggage.
I get compliments on that.
You guys look high as balls.
Anyway, time for your results.
Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson,
and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.
Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid
we found something quite large.
- Was it my penis?
- It was definitely
not your penis.
Although, your butt is gigantic.
What we found was this.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God, my childhood G.I. Joe.
- That was inside his colon?
- Yep.
I'm afraid this soldier
was literally left behind.
Not to be that guy, but this Joe
came with a pair of binoculars.
He-He was kind of like the scout.
Did you happen to see
anything like that?
Oh! Never mind. I think
they just came out of the mess hall.
Peter, how did that little guy
even get in your colon?
I was a kid!
If you squish anything
into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.
You ate a G.I. Joe?
Oh. Ar-Are we gonna
play this game, Quagmire?
Are we gonna play the "How did objects
get inside of you" game?
Withdrawn.
Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s
G.I. Joe scout with binoculars
and it says it's worth $100,000!
- What?
- Oh, wow.
Let me see that.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Holy crap, it does say that.
Wait, I'm in your phone
as "White Number Three?"
- What am I listed as in your phone?
- Withdrawn.
I still can't believe
I snapped and killed that kitten.
You don't think that shelter
has cameras, do you?
There was one water
bowl for 40 dogs. I
don't think they have
money for cameras.
As long as neither of us talks,
I guess we'll be fine.
Yes. As long as I don't talk,
- we'll be fine.
- What's that supposed to mean?
I'm just saying
my silence comes at a price.
And that price is
the cost of an annual
membership at the Soho House Malibu.
What? That's the most
expensive Soho House.
Fine. Then I want
front row seats to Paris Fashion Week.
And I refuse to sit
next to any of the Hadids.
I will get you
a sticker book of Bluey.
You, sir, have my silence.
Peter, would you mind moving
that thing from your butt,
away from the onion rings
we're all eating?
Sorry. So, what do you guys
think I should do
with the 100 grand I'll make
from selling this thing?
What do you mean? We're splitting it.
Yeah, we each get a share of that.
I never said I'd split it.
He was inside me.
I was the one
who spent decades carrying him to term.
You wouldn't even have gotten
a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.
I'm not giving you guys my money!
We can't let him get away with this!
I agree with "White Number Two."
Hey, check it out. Mayor West is
doing press conferences on TikTok now.
Howdy, TikTok. I'm Mayor Wild West,
here today with a hat over
my heart press conference.
See, my sweet feline companion
Meower West has gone missing.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
I was contacted by
the shelter and told
he had wandered into their facility.
But when I went
to pick him up, he was gone.
Possibly kidnapped.
Well, when I find out who took him,
I will personally pursue
the harshest punishment allowed by law.
Thank you, TikTok.
Now, enjoy the vicious comments
on the post of an overweight girl
who's clearly struggling.
So AMC made me buy
two seats for Wicked.
[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.
Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad.
You've got to get out of town.
Luckily, I've got a "go bag,"
so I can leave at a moment's notice.
Here, you take it.
- What's this?
- Oh, that's a European adapter
for my Conair hair dryer.
[CHUCKLES] I think-I think
you're gonna need that.
Four pairs of boots?
I don't know who's gonna see me twice!
You know, I can't believe
you would let something like a toy
get in the way
of your friendship with the guys, Peter.
So? You didn't talk
to Bonnie for two years
after she got the same haircut as you.
Well, that's different.
Bonnie's a bitch.
I'm just saying think of all the great
times you've had with the guys.
And you're gonna give it up
for what? 40, 50 bucks?
Fifty bucks? Lois.
This thing's worth $100,000.
Wow. Dad's right. I just googled it.
What? Let me see that.
Oh, my God, Peter.
We're gonna be rich!
Okay, forget everything I just said.
Screw those guys.
Your butt stuff belongs to us.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'll get it.
Excuse me. Are you Peter Griffin?
- Yeah.
- You've been served.
Those bastards are actually suing me
for their share of the G.I. Joe.
Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?
- Yes.
- I'm here to serve you.
Wait. I just served him.
Get out of here. You're lying.
No, I swear to God.
Sir, what did I just do?
- He served me.
- Hey,
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here,
but are you ambisexual?
- I am.
- Would you like to have a drink
and see if we can rub our way
to a little jean smoke?
Love to.
I guess it's true what they say.
"Every pot has a lid."
Boy, they fogged up
that Altima real quick.
Uh, what's going on?
Your father got a letter saying
his friends are taking him to court.
Yeah, I read that letter.
They're taking him
to arbitration, not court.
- What? Really?
- Yeah.
And if you need representation,
I'm happy to offer my services.
I've spent months
studying anal salvage law.
You You have?
It started out
as a fun personal project,
but then I kind of fell down
an internet rabbit hole.
But this whole thing
only happened a couple of days ago.
Well, that's what we would call
a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
Okay, Stewie. Run me
through the plan one more time.
All right. Well, no one has more
cats in town than the librarian.
So there's a very good chance she'll
have a Meow West lookalike inside.
So I'll distract her
here at the front door.
You sneak in through the back
and find us a replacement cat.
I don't know. Me in another room
full of cats seems risky.
Oh, that's the risky part?
Not the high-wire improvisational act
I'm about to pull off
with the librarian?
No, I suppose
that's the easy part, right?
Do I need to remind you
I'm on the improv theater's
house team, Brian?
We had to kick Brad off, by the way.
He did the Chinese voice
on stage again.
Ugh, whatever. I just want
this whole thing to be over already.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello, I'm an online dating expert,
and I'm giving one lucky person
a free Bumble profile makeover.
May I ask
how your dating life is going?
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Let's just say
my dating life's quieter
than the place I work.
I work in a library.
No. Yeah, I'm aware.
Let's have a look
at your profile, shall we?
- Oh, sure. Let me just log in.
- [CLICKING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CATS MEOWING]
All right, here you go.
All right, we'll start
with your photos.
We'll lose this one of you pointing
at a grand opening banner
at a Jersey Mike's.
We'll also lose this one of you lying
with your mother in her hospice bed.
Doesn't exactly bring
all the boys to the yard.
- [CATS MEOWING]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
This one of you
at the beach is decent.
I mean, we'd have to airbrush out
the knee dimples, but this could work.
Let me see if I
And knee dimples be gone!
[CATS MEOWING]
[TWINKLING CHIME]
- [CHIMES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- A match.
- What?
Let me see that.
A Jewish urologist?
Oh, I love that for you.
Let's look at his profile.
Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus.
On a public bus.
Let's, um
Let's keep looking here.
[STATELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
And I quote, "We are all
in this together, no matter what."
That is why my clients deserve
their share of the profits, Your Honor.
Thank you, Mr. Baker.
Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's
representative Chris Griffin,
who prepared for this
by binge-watching Suits
and then googling Meghan Markle,
and then googling
Meghan Markle deepfakes.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you. Your Boner.
If I may direct your attention
to exhibits B through M,
all items removed from my father's anus
in only the last 24 hours.
Would the Messrs. Brown,
Swanson, and Quagmire
also lay claim to this
Michelob ULTRA key fob?
Would Messrs. Brown,
Swanson, and Quagmire
feel justified taking home
this highlighter cap?
I submit that Messrs. Brown,
Swanson, and Quagmire
are nothing more than
unprincipled opportunists.
Poop swoopers, as it were.
I've heard more than enough.
Case over.
Over? Who won?
Uh, I don't know. Him?
- [GASPS] In your face.
- You've got to be kidding me.
Yeah, that's not fair!
Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.
Excuse me. I work
for Christie's auction house,
and we'd love to fetch you
top dollar for that G.I. Joe.
Wow. The Christie's auction house?
No, it's actually Chris
Christie's auction house.
We specialize in items
that were swallowed by fat guys.
We actually have an auction tomorrow
we could add you to.
Get there early though.
We're starting with movie props
swallowed by James Spader.
Oh, James Spader is so handsome.
Yes. For a half hour in the late 80s,
he very much was.
All right, Stewie, this is it.
We open the cage, let the new
Meower West in, and we're out of here.
Goddamn it!
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BRIAN GROWLS]
[CAT SHRIEKING AND CRYING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Mayor West, good news.
I think we found your missing cat.
It-It may have had a heart attack
from the excitement of this reunion.
Well, I only have one question.
If that's my cat,
who's sitting over there on my couch?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, Brian, I think
the only thing to do now is "go bag!"
I don't understand, but how
A short-haired, tattooed woman
from the shelter found him
in a dumpster left for dead.
Said she saw a dog
and a little fella putting him in there.
I'm so sorry, Mayor West.
I acted on instinct.
I'm just glad he's not dead.
I teach all my cats to play possum,
and I teach all my possums
to play horse,
and I teach all my horses to play cat.
Circle of life.
[CAT MEOWING]
Did you teach that one, too?
He may have seen
my online course. I don't know.
Now, for your punishment.
Oh, no. I hate measured
consequences to my actions.
Six "bad boys" with "very bad boys"
sprinkled in, to taste.
Six? That's a death sentence.
- Bad boy!
- Ow!
- Bad boy!
- I can't breathe!
- Very bad boy!
- That's worse
- Bad boy!
- I'm low to the ground.
- Bad boy!
- I can't get any lower.
Very bad boy!
Oh, the shame!
Eight hundred. Do I hear 900
for the beard
Kevin Smith sleep-ate off his own face?
Going once, going twice.
- [BANGS GAVEL]
- Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith,
who used to be fat and now looks
like he was shrunken
by a witch's spell!
[ALL CLAPPING]
Next on the auction block,
a vintage Scout G.I. Joe
with binoculars
removed from the colon
of Peter Griffin.
[GLITTERY CHIME]
[ALL GASP]
Ah! This is it, Peter.
Yeah, we're gonna be rich.
We'll start the bidding at $75,000.
- [BIDDER 1] Seventy-five!
- Seventy-five! Do I hear 80?
- [BIDDER 2] Eighty!
- It's happening, Peter!
Eighty thousand!
We can get Meg one year
at Sarah Lawrence
excluding the food program!
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BIDDER 3] Ninety-thousand!
- Ninety! Do I hear a hundred?
[BIDDER 1] A hundred thousand!
Whoo!
[POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYING,
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA "TORN"]
I'm all out of faith ♪
This is how I feel ♪
I'm cold and I am shamed ♪
Lying naked on the floor ♪
[AUCTIONEER]
One hundred thousand dollars,
going once, going twice
Stop the auction!
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
[SWALLOWS, GURGLING]
- What is he doing?
- Saving three friendships.
My name is Peter Griffin,
and I've realized that
no amount of money
is worth more than great friendships.
I guess what I'm saying is,
life isn't about the contents
of your butt,
it's about the contents of your heart.
I love you guys!
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
- I'm sorry, Lois. I
- No.
I'm the one who's sorry.
No amount of money can buy
the kind of friendship you guys have.
Although, you could have just taken
the money and split it four ways.
But you made
the right decision, Peter,
and I'm proud of you.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
[PETER] But this story
had an even happier ending,
because 39 years later,
the guys were all dead,
and I pooped that Joe out again
and I became the oldest freshman
at Sarah Lawrence College.
Lois gave me a hall pass,
but I failed to achieve arousal
when a maybe-woman touched my slacks.
I'm sorry we almost
let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter.
We won't make
the same mistake next time.
Yeah, we're due for our next
colonoscopies in five years.
Maybe we should book that same cabin.
Eh, not sure that's gonna be possible.
The guy was pretty mad.
Made me send my own cleaning lady.
[SQUEAKING]
[CLEANING LADY] Oh, no, no, no, no.
House no good.
sync & corrections awaqeded