Family Guy s24e13 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
♪
You read People? What a stupid magazine.
"Snoopy: Fit and
Fabulous at Seventy-Five."
Ugh. Blake Lively
just filed another suit
in Prince Edward Island.
How many places is
she gonna sue that guy?
You know, honestly, I
still don't understand
who Justin Baldoni is,
where he came from, or where he's going.
Yeah, he just appeared out of nowhere.
Are we sure he's not AI or something?
Well, whoever he is,
I hope Ryan Reynolds
gives him a good bop on the beezer.
[SIGHS]
That's what I need: A Ryan Reynolds.
What are you talking about?
I'm a single, unwed baby.
I'm in the prime of
my life right now, Bri.
I've got a steady allowance,
I love to time-travel,
I'm potty-trained, and here I am,
no ring on my finger.
Stewie, you are way too young
to even be thinking
about getting married.
Where is this coming from?
I just don't want to
end up old and alone
like Bill Clinton.
Hey, Hillary, I realize
there's no attraction here,
but could you at least
not wear my pants?
♪
It's so nice to have the
kids out of the house.
Yeah, I think the school
is gonna be locked down
for a few more hours
till they get the shooter.
Aw, we should do these
home date nights more often.
Or we could go to PetSmart
and look at turtles?
Hey, can I get a bite of your
single piece of wilting lettuce?
[LAUGHS] Perfect.
This is why I asked
you before I ordered.
Maybe it's the two-dollar
wine that's mostly chemicals,
but I have a crazy
idea to spice things up.
On three, you tell me one thing
you've always wanted to do,
and I'll tell you one thing
I've always wanted to do.
I like that. I can count to three.
Okay. On three. [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH] One, two
- Crumble Pringles on pizza.
- Make a sex tape!
- I mean sex tape.
- Okay, let's do it!
[PETER AND LOIS MOANING
UNENTHUSIASTICALLY ON VIDEO]
- [PETER SNEEZES]
- [LOIS] Oh.
- [LOIS COUGHING]
- [PETER SNEEZES]
Huh. Lot more coughing and
sneezing than I remember.
And you're positive this
isn't that tape that kills you
if you watch it in seven days?
Pretty sure.
- Is it paused?
- Unfortunately, no.
Uh, we're just kind of in a lull.
When you're on top of me, I can't move,
and then you fall asleep.
[PETER SNORING]
[PETER SNORTS, GRUNTS]
[PETER] I-I'm awake, I'm awake.
- [BEEPING]
- Ah, crap.
I got to put the bins out.
[LOIS] Do you have to do that now?
- [PETER] I'll be right back.
- [FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES]
[GARBAGEMAN] You can't
put metal in there.
Why don't we just fast-forward?
[VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING]
[GARBAGEMAN] Sir, your trash cans
have to be three inches apart.
We've had this conversation.
[PETER] They are three inches apart.
I can prove it right now.
I think we should fast-forward more.
♪
[ANNOUNCER OVER TV] We now return
to The Banshees of Ed Sheeran.
For every new song you release,
I'm gonna cut off one of me fingers.
Well, break out those pinky shears
'cause here comes me new trak
"Weak-Chinned Ginger Lover."
Brrr. Is it cold in here?
Or maybe it's me 'cause
I brought the ice.
Stewie, I'm a busy man.
If you've got something
to say, just say it.
I guess you could say I'm
no longer a single lady.
Get it? Like "fiancé"?
Okay, what's going on?
Rupert asked me to marry
him, and I said yes.
That's wonderful, Stewie.
Congrats.
Boy, I can't believe
my little brother got engaged before me.
Tick tock, Chris, tick tock.
I don't think the ring
got quite enough attention.
[CHUCKLES] Wow, that's a big rock.
Well, I asked for three
carats or eight inches,
and you don't get both.
♪
Hi, Brian. Sorry about the mess.
We're working on our invites.
Mr. Thrifty over here
wants to use Evite.
You're still doing this?
Thought you would've moved on by now.
Moved on?
This is a lifetime commitment, Brian.
Well, I saw your registry,
and I'm not buying you
a three-hundred-dollar pasta maker.
That's all right. The
fettuccine attachment
is the only real need.
Rupert likes a heartier
noodle, if you catch my drift.
I don't want to.
Oh, did you get the
"save the date" card?
No, and I don't know why anyone
is entertaining any of this.
Oh, I get it. Brian is jealous.
We're gonna hang out
after I get married.
First, once a month, then once a year,
then once we have kids, never again.
♪
If I ended a speech with,
"Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night,"
you-you'd get the reference, right?
Should I say, "Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night Live"?
Is-is that more clear?
Whatever this is for, you should not.
I'm working on my best man
speech for Stewie's wedding.
[CHUCKLING] Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Um, Stewie asked me to be the best man.
What? He did?
Stewie wants you to be
the ring bearer instead.
He thinks it'll be very cute.
Honestly, I don't think so.
You're not very charismatic.
But I'm his best friend.
Well, I guess not anymore.
How are you gonna come up
with a rousing best man speech?
You can barely read or write.
It's not my fault the school
replaced the English department
with DoorDash training.
How many fries can you take
before it becomes noticeable?
- Nine.
- Good job, Chris.
And do you read the
delivery instructions?
Absolutely not.
Now repeat after me:
"This is how they gave it to me."
[STUDENTS] This is
how they gave it to me.
I have a delivery for Mr. Anderson.
Where's my bun?
This is how they gave it to me.
Last year's valedictorian.
[CHOKING UP] Th-This is
why you do it, people.
♪
- What's up with your face?
- Don't be alarmed.
I'm doing a series of
peels before the wedding.
Trust me, it's going to
look gorge the day of.
So, for theme, are you
thinking rustic or regency?
[CHUCKLES] No, no, my friend.
Nautical-cottagecore.
Together? But they're
completely different.
It's-it's never been done.
You're crazy.
Crazy like a
[BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
Hey, bud, we're kind of
in the middle of something.
Stewie, I was thinking,
given the limited size
- of the venue, we
- [LOUD SCRAPING]
we should really talk about
not giving plus-ones to guests
without significant others.
How significant?
They should be dating
for at least six months.
[LOUD CRUNCHING]
What if it's a "friends
with benefits" situation
that could eventually turn
into a real relationship?
You must have a minimum of
three grid posts together
at the time of the wedding.
No story. Just grid.
I don't know what I'd do
if you weren't here
steering the ship, Chris.
Well, I'm off to Kayce's to get waxed.
This peach has fuzzed for too long.
- Oh, Brian, before I forget
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
This is a photo of
Sabrina Carpenter's house.
Sorry, that's a personal project.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
- Wait, this is just a list
of wedding errands you want me to do.
Isn't that your job as best man?
I'm very busy picking out
the signature cocktail.
I was thinking of a
tropical-based drink
with a literary twist.
I I want to do that.
Sorry, I already thought
of "L. Rum Hubbard,"
and we're doing it.
And I need you to pick up
Stewie's fraternity
brothers at the airport.
Fraternity brothers?
- Here's their flight info.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
This is a video for how to
break into someone's house
with a link to Sabrina
Carpenter's address.
Oh, boy, my AirDrop settings
have been all over the place lately.
Got to see them night boobs. [MUTTERING]
♪
I can't believe how
awful our sex tape was.
If-if I'm being honest,
I guess I never really
thought about how long
Peter's ass crack was.
Well, as an outside observer,
it seems like it would be very long.
Making a sex tape is hard.
When we made ours, we had to recast Joe.
Turns out, we just needed
a Joe Swanson "type."
- [PLANE PASSING]
- Hold for plane. Hold for plane.
All right, Gatorades
down, back on all fours
in three, two, one.
I once made a naughty librarian porn.
[CHUCKLES] I spanked a guy with a book,
but I went too hard and
I broke his anus. [LAUGHS]
A lot of people don't think
there's bones down there,
but they're there. [CHUCKLES]
They're there.
I don't have many close
female friendships.
♪
So, how do you know the S-Man?
Lambda Chi? Or Bank of America?
As former frat guys, we all
work at Bank of America now.
You get three percent back
on all gasoline purchases
with the Freedom Flex reward card.
Brian, where do you do your checking?
I'm good with my bank.
And what the hell are
you guys talking about?
Stewie didn't go to college.
Well, he didn't go to class,
I'll tell you that much.
[LAUGHTER]
The Stewman is a total legend.
One time, he took a dump
that got stuck and
clogged up the whole house.
For a year, I just went
into a TaylorMade golf bag.
- He banged my dad as a goof.
- He did what now?
[LAUGHS] Oh, he's always banging dads.
- Total prankster.
- You'd hate to be
an un-banged dad around that guy.
Total legend.
♪
The gang's all here.
I thought you couldn't leave the state.
Spirit Airlines never pressed charges.
Sorry, Brian, I need
you to run more errands.
Can you pick up some centerpieces
for the bachelor party?
They're all very phallus-shaped,
so without being too blunt,
how many sexual aids
can you hold at once?
How big are the sexual aids?
They're, they're substantial.
♪
[UNZIPPING OVER TV]
[WOMAN OVER TV] Oh. Mr. Bond. Mmm
We should have watched Paul Blart.
Guaranteed zero sex scenes.
See? The bottoms of
his feet aren't black.
Well, I guess he didn't
have an awesome afternoon
burying Star Wars
figurines in the garden.
I'm going to bed.
Well, I'm going to ignore
this uncomfortable situation
by checking the weather in other cities.
Huh, it's gonna be thirty-five in D.C.
Wow. Forty in Denver, though.
Fresno and Baltimore are the same temp?
You don't see that a lot.
No, you don't.
- ♪
- [DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]
Finally, I get to have some fun.
Oh, you're not coming in.
Your job is to hold all our wallets
and not give them to us no
matter how much we beg you.
- Give it to me!
- I need my wallet!
Please, I promised Valentina
I'd pay for her grad school.
♪
Hey, weren't there three
fraternity brothers?
Yeah, Crazy RJ put fentanyl
in the strip club pasta,
and Venkatesh died.
I need you to build
a wooden funeral boat.
He beat cancer just to die like this.
Crazy, man.
All right, let's get
back to the strip club
before they take our
wings off the table.
♪
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.
This just in: War rages
on in the Middle East.
And this not quite in:
Local man Peter Griffin
tries to pleasure his
wife in home sex tape.
- [COUGHING, LOUD KISSING]
- [GARBAGE TRUCK BEEPING]
It was totally in.
Peter, they have our sex tape.
- How did this get out?
- I got no idea.
I mean, I did put it on
YouTube, 'cause I thought
that's where you put things
that are just for you.
YouTube didn't even
bother to censor the video,
classifying it as a nature documentary
instead of pornography.
♪
Hey, I don't want to be too forward,
but are you just not gonna
donate to Venkatesh's GoFundMe?
He had a sister, dude.
She's forty-two and very
wealthy, but we're still trying
- to support her.
- No, thanks.
Well, are you at least gonna
pay for your room at the Airbnb?
I didn't go to an Airbnb.
Well, we agreed to split it evenly.
You know, you and Stewie
have been treating me
like a service animal all week.
Um, is this about you
eating twelve hundred bucks
when no one showed up for
the lavender field experience?
You know, it was just me and the guide,
and I had a lovely time.
But, no, this is about
me not being best man.
Yeah, because you're the ring bearer.
We've been through this.
- Here.
- What's this for?
You're gonna have to tie
the pillow around your waist
since Stewie wants
you to be on all fours.
The ribbon is adjustable.
I noticed you ate a
lot of strip club pasta.
- I had a normal amount.
- Not really.
Venkatesh was talking
about it before he died.
Okay, that's it. I'm
done being humiliated.
I am not coming to
this ridiculous wedding.
Okay, well, that's fine.
I regretted ordering the salmon, anyway,
so this way I can just eat your steak.
I also ordered the salmon.
Get out of my [BLEEP] house!
Why are we all
pretending we want salmon?
♪
I can't believe the
big day is here already.
Everyone's saying I'm next. [SPUTTERS]
- Maybe.
- Can I ask you something?
Do you think I say "in my
heart of hearts" too many times
in my wedding vows?
If I'm being honest? Yes.
I'm still on the fence.
Let's ask Brian. Where is he?
I'm afraid Brian isn't coming, Stewie.
I'm sorry. He's kind of going
through something right now.
I see. I was hoping
during "Hot Hot Hot,"
he would get onstage
and start the "Who's
hot?" call-and-response.
[CHOKING UP] But I guess
that's not in the cards.
♪
You know, it's not that bad.
We're actually getting a
lot of positive feedback
on our sex tape.
We got one thousand thumbs up
and over a hundred thumbs in.
The porn community is very creative.
Oh, and look, somebody
named "ChrisGriffOfficial",
without a check mark,
posted three water droplets.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Mayor West? That's weird.
- Hello?
- [WILD WEST] Hi, Peter.
I'm calling from an iPhone 3
that only works for
fifteen minutes a day,
so we may be disconnected at any time.
Now, the whole town is in a tizzy
over your cinematic comingling.
We'd like to honor you and the missus
for your artistic
contributions to the art form
with the Nearby Adults Active
in Creating Pornography Image Award.
Wha-What's he saying?
We're getting an NAACP Image Award
for how cool our sex tape was.
- We're still workshopping the name
- [PHONE BEEPS]
He did say that would happen.
♪
Are you okay, Brian? I notice
you're flatter to the ground
than physics allow.
Why didn't Stewie want
me to be his best man?
I thought we were best friends.
I don't know, Brian, but what I do know
- is you're being really selfish.
- I am?
Between you and me, I
don't even like Rupert.
Awful person.
Just don't go into business with the guy
is all I'm gonna say.
But today isn't about me.
Or you. It's about Stewie.
After all, a baby
only gets married once.
And I know if I end this
speech with the right tone,
you'll say, "You know
what? You're right."
You know what? You're right. I'll go.
Now, it's a silver-gold wedding,
so I'd get chop-chop on a tux.
And fair warning, all the
local places are long out.
Well, then, where am I gonna get a tux?
I'm seeing Mr. Tux
does have one in Maine,
but you got to leave right now.
[HARP PLAYING]
If any of you ever
want to be in the choir,
I can probably pull a few strings.
[LAUGHS]
I didn't pay you to make [BLEEP] jokes.
Sorry to keep harping on it. [LAUGHS]
I'm sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure.
That was very funny.
Why is there a chuppah?
Um, Rupert?
Jewish. Hello.
You're trying to think
if you ever said something
in front of Rupert right now.
Yep.
- Where's the groom?
- I hope everything's okay.
Is there gonna be a
shuttle back to the hotel?
I'm staying at the La
Quinta near the airport.
Flights have to stop at
eleven p.m., so not too bad.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
Stewie called off the wedding.
[ALL GASP]
Someone needs to go talk to him.
On the Sabbath he makes us travel.
♪
Peter, this is so great.
I think I can finally own my sexuality.
- What does that mean?
- I don't know, Madonna says it a lot.
I think it's a good thing.
We're here today to give these
fine folks the Rod to the City.
Tight fit into the city
door, but if you work at it,
it eventually gets looser.
[GIGGLES]
Lois and Peter are not just heroes
but symbols of body positivity.
Their video shows all of us it's okay
to have a knee brace on
during times of intimacy.
That all of us past our prime,
no matter how repulsive
we may be to look at,
deserve to be seen naked.
Body positivity?
That's why people liked our video?
We salute you for not being
ashamed of your shameful bodies.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
I really enjoyed your video.
I'm using it to teach my residents
about botched C-section scars.
Who did that, anyway? It's a hack job.
- You did.
- Whoa, oh, what a small world.
Usually, we have to show
students photos of STDs
to get them to sign
the abstinence contract,
but this did the trick nicely.
Thank you.
♪
Thank you for being on theme.
Unlike Mr. Octopus.
He dressed for "tropical cocktail".
Way too many patterns.
Look, Stewie, getting cold
feet is completely normal.
As Ernest Hemingway once said
It was supposed to be
you and me up there, man.
- Huh?
- Do I have to spell it out for you?
Yeah. Just don't spell the word "walk".
I-I really don't have the
bandwidth for that right now.
Don't you see? I've been waiting for you
to propose to me for years.
You, you want me to marry you?
No. I want you to want to marry me.
[CRYING]
Stewie, what do you
think marriage even is?
It's a sleepover with your
best friend that never ends.
It's being roommates for
life and going on adventures.
But I guess you weren't ready for that.
Stewie, we already have that.
But without it being legal,
I feel like a cheap whore.
Wait, if you wanted to marry me,
why'd you get engaged to Rupert?
The whole thing was just
a ruse to make you jealous.
Wait, none of it was real?
What about Venkatesh,
Crazy RJ and Ellis?
They were on Love Island last year.
I can't believe you
did all this. For me.
Of course I did. You're
my best friend, Bri.
Although I guess we'll never
have our own happily ever after.
♪
Stewie, will you marry me?
[GASPS] Oh, my gosh,
this is so unexpected.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Pat Benatar once said,
"Love is a battlefield."
Pat was right, which I always
knew in my heart of hearts.
- But, Brian, in my heart of hearts
- [CHRIS] Too many.
I can't think of anyone
else I'd rather grow old with.
But like a good kind of old,
not ragged-looking because
we didn't wear sunscreen.
Real talk, you got to
be better about that.
But yes, Brian, yes.
I will marry you and make
you the happiest dog on Earth.
♪
Since when can a dog and a
baby not get a marriage license?
I can't even get an abortion.
- Move.
- Whoa!
Problem solved. Thank you.
- Are we done here?
- Yes.
[GASPS] We forgot about Chris.
[CHRIS] I wound up
marrying The Librarian
so we wouldn't lose our deposit.
She didn't know my age
and wound up going to jail.
I told everyone we did it.
They ended up making
a whole movie about it.
They portrayed her as the aggressor.
Anyway, my name is Chris Griffin,
and I'm supposed to get
a Quahog NAACP Image Award next week.
♪
I know everybody's happy for us,
but I wish Pornhub wouldn't
use the title "Beauty and Obese".
You know what, Peter? I don't care.
Maybe we're not as young
or hot as we used to be,
but there's no one I'd
rather spend my life
sweating dark yellow stains
into the mattress with.
- You really mean that?
- Yes.
I love you, Peter.
Hang on, let me go get my
men's quadruple XL sex shirt.
There's a bulldog with sunglasses on it,
so you know it's for big dogs.
Just shut up and kiss me.
[MOANING SOFTLY]
Peter
- [PLANE PASSING]
- Hold for plane. Hold for plane.
All right, Gatorades
down, back on all fours.