Family Guy s24e14 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
[ALL] He's a family guy! ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, now remember, Lois,
the school likes to blame
the kids' bad grades on trouble at home.
So when we get in the
parent teacher conference,
it can't seem like there's
any cracks in our marriage.
Peter, this isn't a
parent teacher conference,
- it's a fundraiser
- Here we go again!
Let me punch your shrew card, Lois.
Because the tenth nag is free!
"Welcome to an hour of
squeaks and echoes in the gym."
[ECHOES] Gym, gym, gym.
Huh, I guess they're selling
all the music department
instruments to raise money. Typical.
They always cut the arts
programs but never any sports.
Actually, they canceled field hockey.
See? They're selling the old uniforms.
And what vintage is this one?
A 2022 Junior Varsity, sir.
Mm. Excellent year.
Sir, I'm gonna have my team cut it
up and turn it into dinner napkins.
Oh, Giuseppe, you are a wizard.
Hello! I'm Mr. Campanale,
the music teacher.
Welcome to my "going-out
of-business" woodwind sale.
Everything must blow!
[WEARILY] Uh-ha, yes, that's very good.
Uh, tell me, does your
saxophone come with
the George Michael classic
"Careless Whisper" on it?
With enough practice, this saxophone
will play anything you like.
Sweet! I'll take it.
Great! How will you be paying today?
Are you sure you should spend that?
Oh yeah, there's still plenty in there
for Meg to pay for online college.
[INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING]
Have you ever dreamed
of learning calculus
on a crowded rush hour subway
Or pushing that thing IVs hang
from around the hospital
Want to hug an old man at
an ethnic family picnic?
Whatever the dream
As long as it's not
going to real college
Online college is here for you.
[ANNOUNCER] Online college!
If you had another
choice, you'd make it.
- [SLURPING]
- All right, everybody shut up.
The masked singer is about to reveal
who the big Gatorade-Bottle-Of-Pee is!
They're really scraping the bottom
of the barrel for new costumes.
- [ANNOUNCER] And your masked singer is
- [PLAYING SAXOPHONE POORLY]
Wait, who'd they say?
It's another D-Lister nobody
can recognize my face alone.
Damn it, Peter! Do you know
how many hours of Ken Jeong
and his tiny jackets I
tolerated for that moment?
Sorry. In the future, I'll try not
to be so [WHISPERS] careless.
[CONTINUES PLAYING]
God, he never thinks about others.
Remember when he
totally ruined our family
Thanksgiving football game?
Okay, we gotta go all tush-pushes.
Hot niece I'm not related to
by blood, you're the center.
The rest of you, shove me
into her as hard as you can.
[TEARY] So, I put the bottle down.
But even though her family forgave me,
I'll never forgive myself.
[PLAYING "CARELESS
WHISPER" ON SAXOPHONE]
[GASPS THEN CONTINUES PLAYING]
Bravo!
I knew these AA stories
would be the perfect set-up
for the guilty pain
of "Careless Whisper".
Okay, let's take it from the top
with the guy who can only have
supervised Panera visits with his kid.
[LICKS]
[PLAYING "TAPS" ON TRUMPET]
[PLAYING "CARELESS WHISPER"]
[CONTINUES PLAYING "TAPS"]
[CONTINUES PLAYING
"CARELESS WHISPER"]
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Now, this screen is gonna
ask you a couple of questions.
You want a tip?
Add 35%?
You have to pick it 'cause
it's the button in the middle.
[PLAYING "CARELESS
WHISPER" FLAWLESSLY]
[PLAYING "CARELESS WHISPER" POORLY]
What the hell, Peter?
This is the fifth night in a row
you woke me up with that damn song.
Your house is where the streetlight is.
It's not my fault.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot.
I was only having the best dream ever.
Oh yeah? One of them that ends wet?
No. Get this, I'm returning
the lawn mower to Home Depot.
The workers were wearing
blue but I still knew it was
a Home Depot,
dreams are weird like that.
Anyway, they offer me cash
instead of store credit.
So I ask, "Are you sure?
It's covered in grass, and
I don't have a receipt."
And then you know what Bud said
That was the guy's name, Bud,
which is also my Dad's name so.
Sir Carl Jung would have a field
[CHUCKLES] field day with that one.
Anyway, you know what he said?
- No.
- Me neither!
Now go play inside so
I can get back to sleep
and see how this roller coaster ends.
[SLAMS]
And before you go to bed, this screen
is gonna ask you a couple of questions.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Good game. Good game.
Good game. Hey, nice assist back there.
Good game. Good game.
Hey, Quagmire, you got a minute?
Sure, let me just violently
wave my door a couple of times
[WAVES]
Come on in.
What am I gonna do, Quagmire?
Peter's driving me nuts
with that saxophone.
Joseph, I realized a long time ago,
you can't fight Peter's antics.
The harder you resist the shenanigans,
the shenannier they become.
So what I did was put together
the Peter Griffin Survival Kit.
It's everything you need to make
being his neighbor tolerable.
I've got a variety of these
different sized plugs
To put in your ears when he's loud?
Yeah or, you know, anywhere they fit.
And this tracks Peter's heart rate,
so I can avoid him when
he's overstimulated.
[BEEPS]
That spike is when he
found a frog the other day.
Do you have anything to help me sleep?
That doesn't involve putting your
orifice plug in my ear, ideally.
As a matter of fact, I do.
These are powerful,
unregulated sleeping pills.
I got them in the Navy.
They give these to all the guys
who commit atrocious massacres
and then have trouble sleeping.
- [HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
- [PETER] A caterpillar in March?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[QUAGMIRE] I'm coming! I'm coming!
Angrily tying a bathrobe
'cause I got woken up
Thanks again for those
sleepy pills, Mr. Q.
Front row tickets to
the blanket show, baby.
"Mr. Q?" What are you Oh my God!
Joe, you're walking!
Walk it like I talk it
and talk it like I walk it.
Wait, are you.
You're asleep! How is this possible?
Well, I could tell you, but
who needs a long, boring story.
You're walking and self-aware?
It's a miracle!
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
What happened?
What happened is you walked!
Oh my God, you're right!
I beat my record.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, what do we got,
four middle-aged guys
at the same appointment?
I don't need to know
how it got up there.
Just tell me who I'm taking it out of.
No, no! Doc, it's Joe!
He took a super strong sleeping
pill last night and sleepwalked!
Well, people do display odd
behavior under the influence of drugs
like Ambien. Let me get
somebody better suited to help.
I got a code TB12 in room three.
Hi, I'm pseudo-science expert
and Tom Brady face-thinner-outer
Doctor Alex Guerrero.
Now, how can I help you gentlemen?
I've been in a chair for years,
but I took one of these last
night and started walking.
Interesting.
Well, there must be a
neurological explanation.
So to get to the bottom
of it, we'll have to use
- An MRI?
- our imaginations!
I think these pills put you
in such a deep state of sleep,
the damaged part of your
spinal cord went offline.
Then to compensate,
an undamaged neural pathway
activated allowing you to walk.
So as long as Joe takes those pills,
he can walk again, right?
Yes, and no.
His legs might work, but in that state,
he'll have no access
to his waking memory
or the personality he's developed
over the course of his life.
So technically, it won't
really be Joe who's walking.
Well, now that you mention
it, he was acting strange.
He was super laid back and kind of cool!
Well, during sleep, we're not
preoccupied with the stress
of our day to day lives.
So for him to be very
relaxed makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, but does it though?
If you want my opinion
and I cannot stress enough
how uninformed it is Joe
should stay away from these pills.
There's no telling what sort of
negative side effects they might have.
Well, guess it's back to my chair.
Thanks for seeing me.
My pleasure. Oh, you
can make the co-pay out
to "Guerrero Shipping Solutions, LLC,"
and if anyone asks, this all took
place in the state of Delaware.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[TV ANNOUNCER] Coming up this
month on Turner Classic Movies.
Get a hold of yourself! [SLAPS]
[ANNOUNCER] Turner Classic Movies,
if a woman gets slapped in
black and white, we've got it.
So, I was choring it up last Friday,
buying new batteries
for the smoke detector
Ho Hold on, Joe.
This anecdote sounds like
it's turning into a story.
Oh, it's a story alright.
- Quagmire, story clock.
- On it.
Okay, you got 60 seconds, Joe.
Come on, is that thing really necessary?
You're using your time, Joe.
Okay. Okay. Where was I
batteries for the smoke detector.
So I get to the store
and I'm like, "Shoot.
There's A batteries, C
batteries, and D batteries."
And that got me to thinking where
the heck are the B batteries?
Did they really skip B?
- I don't buy it, so I start digging.
- [ALARM BEEPS]
- Time!
- Oh, that's not fair.
Joe, if you talk any more,
you're gonna put us all to sleep.
Wish Joe was asleep. He
was way more interesting.
Yeah, Joe, why don't you take
another one of them sleeping pills?
Maybe you'll sleepwalk again.
What the hell.
I guess one more time won't hurt.
[GULPS]
[SNORING]
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh-uh, hell no! This
ain't part of God's plan.
- [THUDS]
- [PLAYING, "COULD YOU BE LOVED"]
Holy crap, that's amazing!
That was my credit he played,
and I'm not a huge Bob Marley guy,
but otherwise, holy
crap, that's amazing!
So I'm thinking I'll have.
a summer solstice party.
Send the old' girl in the sky
a big 'preesh for the vitamin D.
You guys should check it out.
And if you have any trouble getting in,
just tell 'em you're
with Joey Goodtimes.
- Can I bring a date?
- No.
Bring two.
Man, sleepwalking Joe is awesome.
That was my beer for which I've
been waiting quite some time.
But otherwise,
sleepwalking Joe is awesome!
Hey, some party, Joe!
It's "Joey." Who's up for some food?
Great. Nothing like
the Joe Swanson special,
a supermarket vegetable
platter warmed by the sun.
Here we are, gents. Bowl of
Ruffles, two liter bottle of Coke.
Pizza's on the way.
- Wow!
- No way!
Donna says Cola makes me jumpy.
Did y'all meet Bon-fire? I call
her that 'cause she's smoking hot.
[GIGGLES]
Peter, give me a nickname
that tells people I'm hot.
I think everyone here
has met. Dumpster-fire?
- Peter!
- It's 'cause of the hair!
Jam band's starting, Bon-fire.
Let's go dance like it's our
first day in a human body.
What the hell, Peter?
Joe's unconscious, and he and Bonnie
have a better sex life than we do.
Lois, we've been over this.
Once one of us agrees to shave it,
we're back in business.
Man, I had the best
time at Joe's yesterday.
You said it! Me and Donna ate
some goofy mushrooms and then cried
watching the sunrise.
And good crying,
not the-bank's-coming
for-your-house crying.
- Hey, there he is!
- The King!
We are very behind on
our payments though.
What are you guys talking about?
It's just me, Joe.
We know! You sleepwalked again
and threw the most
epic party of all time!
Yeah, why didn't you tell me a
"free love tent" is just an orgy,
minus condoms, plus B-O?
Oh man, I had that at my party?
I hope Bonnie didn't see. She'd kill me.
Uh, Joe, Bonnie was in the tent.
But don't worry, she didn't do
anything with anybody but you.
Even under-the-pants stuff?
Well, I am done with those pills.
Next time I get UTP
action, I wanna be there.
That's too bad 'cause
Joey Goodtimes is the man.
He's so popular, he already
has his own Cameo account.
Hey there "Peter Griffin"!
Heard somebody's a little nervous about
changing his clothes at Planet Fitness.
Well, let me tell you there's no shame
in your game, no matter how much
it turtles in front of a crowd.
Are you coming back to bed, Joey?
Yeah, just firing off some inspo to
a fat idiot with big balls, baby carrot.
It's like monster
truck wheels on a Miata.
You're, uh, still learning
how to end the record.
Hey, Bon, sorry I missed the big
party yesterday but I was thinking
we could recreate that magic
with some Bosch and chill.
Um, no, thanks.
You sure? Doesn't have to be Bosch.
Could be any one of those last
name crime shows and chill.
Bul? Luther? Longmire?
Reacher? Will Trent?
Which, I know, it's a
first-name last-name crime show.
But what the hell, it's almost Friday.
Just wake me up if you
decide to fall asleep again.
[FLIRTY] Bon-fire needs another log.
Actually, with the drought we've had,
we probably shouldn't be
starting any more fires
Bon?
[SNORING]
[BRUSHING]
When did we get so boring, Joe?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Speak for yourself.
Joey Goodtimes and boring go together
like peanut butter and jelly.
I know you guys like that,
but in the imaginary mirror
universe, it's a gross combo.
So tell me, when was the last time
your friends were excited to see you?
When was the last time Bonnie
wanted you to come to bed?
[SIGHS] You're right. Bonnie
and the guys deserve better.
I have to go. Got a ketchup
and tuna sandwich over here
that ain't gonna eat itself.
Again, mirror universe.
[GULPS]
Okay, Joey's back so
let the good times walk.
Wait, so I'm stuck in here now?
Might as well see what
all the fuss is about.
[DISGUSTED GAG]
He gets Bonnie, and I get
a crappy mirror sandwich?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIZZLING]
I don't know where you get the
energy after a night like that.
Just get over here, babe.
I'm gonna do you right on the counter
where I prepped the raw chicken.
[BOTH MOANING]
Your boobs are so wet.
You're still holding the chicken breast.
Oh. Well, in my defense, I am asleep.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Good God! He hit it so far,
they added a yellow tail so the
viewers at home can enjoy it.
Alright, fellas, let's go.
Good thing we don't need
that golf cart anymore.
We get to walk all 18 holes.
Sheesh, I don't even
walk the mini golf course.
[BEEPING]
Hey, slowpokes, what
do you want to drink?
- [BOTH] Beer!
- Pedialyte.
We don't have Pedialyte.
Don't worry, Cleveland, Joey's got ya.
Ava, give me a warm ginger
ale and a flat Sprite.
Little trick I learned
from nausea TikTok.
My Apple Pay's on,
you can just swipe my pocket, hun.
[BEEPS]
[SLURPS]
Mmm I can feel it
coating my troubled innards.
You know what?
Gimme one of them clam chowders
and a Baby Ruth.
Okay, that's 17, but let's just
call it 18 for legal reasons.
And that's another 20 for me.
I think it's the Asian half
that makes Tiger Woods talented.
Boy, I hope no ground hogs pop
up and drag my ball into the hole.
[THUMPS]
Because that would be terrible.
[THUMPS]
Sounds like fun up there. Should we go?
Honey? We can't.
It's not February second.
Uch! One day. Black
people get a whole month.
Gerald. Don't.
What? Breast cancer gets a month.
Mustaches get a month.
Not masturbating gets a month!
Save it for your podcast, honey.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I can't believe Joey stayed
to play another round.
Yeah, he said he wanted to get in 54.
I can't even do that math.
Not even I can get in that
many holes, tired giggity.
It's like he ditched us.
Probably because you don't
like to shower after a round.
Yeah, I I can smell you from here.
I forgot my jelly shoes.
It's important to wear
them in the clubhouse
because drainage in
a public locker room
Alright, I'm starting the clock.
[GASPS] Did you just "Joe" me?
If anybody should be "Joe"-ing
somebody, it should be me "Joe"-ing you.
Don't you dare "Joe" me, you fat turd!
[TIMER TICKING]
Wait, guys, guys. Don't you
realize what's happening?
Every friend group needs
to have a bottom friend.
A guy who's doing way worse
than all the rest of us.
And we lost our bottom friend!
Three Shirley Temples
for that booth over there.
You're right. Ever
since Joe became awesome,
the rest of us are just
scrambling to stay off the bottom.
Without Joe, we're like
Oates, Messina and Garfunkel.
Well, that's a funny cutaway
we don't have time for.
But we gotta get the old Joe back!
From the gentleman at the bar.
He told me to tell you, "Bottoms up".
[SLURPING]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Joey, how'd you shoot?
Oh, I don't keep score,
but someone else did.
Sixty-eight.
Oh cool. Here's a question.
Is Bermuda grass something
you can grow anywhere,
or is it like champagne and
it has to come from there?
Oh, that's a long, boring story
that I have no desire to tell.
Joey, is a AAA membership worth it?
I'll have plenty of
time to tell you that
when I'm not waiting in line at the DMV.
Or getting up to 40% off tickets
to any participating AMC theater.
Hey, whatever this is, knock it off!
Hey, Joey, I can never remember,
what group sings this song.
[PLAYING, "LIFE IS A HIGHWAY"]
Life is a highway ♪
I wanna ride it ♪
All night long ♪
Uh, actually, it's not a group,
it's a person. Tom Cochrane.
A Canuck, no less
I know what you guys are doing!
You're trying to get
rid of Joey Goodtimes!
Wheel to the light,
Joe! We need you back.
No! But I'm cool now!
The old Joe was just a
crippled punching bag!
That's right.
And he was our crippled
punching bag and we miss him.
Yeah, we thought we liked
this Joe better, but we don't.
That's right. The old
Joe is the best Joe.
I can't go back!
I'll never go back!
Fine. I didn't want to
have to do this, but I will.
Joe tell us why aren't
there any B batteries?
I I won't!
Why aren't there any B batteries?
There are! There are B batteries.
It's just electronics
manufacturers favored
the dimensions of the
new double and triple As.
We all know C and D found their niche
in high drain situations,
but B slowly disappeared.
Except for European
lanterns and bike lights!
[COLLAPSES]
Joe, it's a miracle!
You can't walk!
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
And that's why Ralph Nader deemed it,
"unsafe at any speed".
[TIMER DINGS]
Wow, that was so long and boring.
It's nice to have you back, Joe.
And I enjoy having
the space on the booth
seat for my pocket bric-a-brac back.
Hey, what did you end up doing with
the rest of those pills I gave you?
I dumped them in the 18th hole
in honor of Joey Goodtimes.
[SLICING]
Oh, Gerald. [LAUGHS] What are you doing?
Don't worry about what I'm doing, baby.
Worry about what I'm about to do.
I'm gonna turn Groundhog
Day into poundhog day.
[PLAYFUL] Gerald, I'm cooking an acorn.
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]