South Park s24e97 Episode Script

1
Hey, Dad, you think maybe we
could go to Build-A-Bear today?
Butters, for the last time,
you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
But they said they were
open again, so
Yes, they're open,
but we are not the Johnsons,
and we do not go to
non-essential businesses
when it's non-essential!
Hey, do you people mind?!
You're supposed to wear
your mask over your nose.
Looks like you're wearing
a diaper for your chin.
Chin diapers don't help.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
What the?
What's going on now?!
Something at the town square!
Everyone's gathering!
Well, are we protesting,
or are we rioting?
No, no. It's something
to do with the pandemic!
Something big's going on.
Stay here, Butters.
RANDY: Hey, everybody.
Can everyone hear me okay?
Thanks for turning out, everyone.
You know, we've all been through
a lot these past several months.
We've shut down,
and people have lost their businesses,
lost their livelihoods.
I also own a small business.
I sell weed.
And I have to say I
I'm actually doing pretty good.
Amazing, really.
Tegridy Farms' weed has seen
a 400% increase in sales
since the shutdown in March.
I see Thomas Turner out there.
Thomas opened a restaurant in SoDoSoPa.
Doesn't seem like such a good idea now,
does it, Turner?
And there's Marley Jarvis,
who owned and operated
her own tanning salon.
Whoops.
But I can't just stand here and gloat
because Tegridy Weed is
about giving back to people.
And that's why I'm
very proud to announce
that Tegridy Weed is
having a Pandemic Special!
An all-new hybrid of our best weed
sold at nearly 10% off our usual price.
Not only that, but when
you buy three pounds or more
of the Pandemic Special,
you get a complimentary
Pandemic 2020 bong.
We are a community.
Let's all be together with Tegridy.
I think people are really excited.
What do you think?
A Pandemic Special, Randy? Really?
- What?
- People are hurting.
People are dying, Randy.
And all you can think about
is making a special about it?
I'm doing something
positive to try and help.
People really need this right now.
You are a child, Randy!
These are very serious times,
and nobody wants
or cares about your
stupid special right now!
We'll see if they like my special.
Wow!
Another day inside,
don't have to do a thing
I love you, social distancing
No one's around,
no one's talking to me
Social distancing, I'm free
Don't have to brush
my teeth or shower
For what?
I can sit on the toilet for hours
As long as I want!
'Cause no one's saying to me
You kids should get
outside and do something
[CELLPHONE CHIRPS]
Oh! 9:00 a.m. Time for school!
MRS. NELSON: Good morning, guys.
Everyone ready to start school?
- Hi!
- I'm I'm here!
Okay, I think we're all here.
I see Jimmy and Clyde are on now.
Eric, are you there?
Yes, Teacher, I'm here!
I can't wait to start schoo schoo
schoo eh eh
Oh, no, Eric, I think your computer
is freezing up again.
Oh, no. Really? Can you guys hear me?
I just said Eh.
Eh. Eh. Eh.
Eric, you'll just have
to listen again, okay?
- Best you can.
- So let's start today, guys,
by going over yesterday's
grammar examples.
Wendy, can you read the first one?
I'm cut off from the world
Isolated, alone
This is what I call existancing
No one can touch me
or boss me around
Social distancing
Eric, aren't you supposed
to be on your Zoom call?
Stay away from me, Mom, yeah
You got to keep your social distance
'Cause all I'm gonna do is sing
About how much I love
you and I need you
Social distancing
Sweetie, I know
these are challenging times.
Yeah, social distancing, Mom
But we all still have
to try and do our work.
Computer keeps freezing, Mom.
Maybe if you were an essential worker,
we could afford faster Internet.
I at least need you to get some
of your homework done, okay?
And then m-maybe take a shower.
Oh, what a folly a shower seems
when my generation is
being denied their lives!
I can't see my friends.
I can't even go to school.
How I miss Kyle. Heh heh heh heh.
Sweetie, it's all going to be over soon.
They're actually talking
about school opening up again
in a few days!
What the fuck are you talking about?
There's going to be a big meeting.
Sounds like they're trying to
get you kids back to school!
We can't go back to school.
There's a fucking pandemic!
But they're talking about
maybe staggering you kids
- every other day
- They can't do that!
Eric, you're going to be able
to be with all the other kids again!
Oh, no, I see!
There's all this horrible stuff going on
in the world, but apparently
Cartman's life doesn't matter!
- Eric, you can't
- Ahp! Get back! Get back!
Six feet, Mom! Six fucking feet!
RANDY: Okay. Thank you very much!
Hope you enjoy the Pandemic Special!
Hi! You here for the special?
Here you go.
How was school, Stanley?
It's not school. It's a frickin' joke.
We're not even learning anything.
I know this has all been
really hard on you, Stanley.
Do you want to talk about it?
No. I'm fine, Mom. You know, I'm strong.
I'm just worried about
how this all affecting
weaker kids like
You know, like Butters.
Yeah. Well, it's nice
you care about your friend.
But if you need to talk
I know this is really hard on everyone.
Well, that's it, guys.
We have run out of weed for the day.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. Uh,
didn't somebody say
the Pandemic Special was a bad idea?
I wasn't saying you wouldn't make money.
I was saying maybe that's not
what should matter right now.
Oh, come on. Think about it.
Do you even know anyone
personally who's dying of COVID?
Yes! My brother Jimbo,
who is in the hospital!
Yeah. Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo's a fat alcoholic who'd
be in the hospital anyway.
All I'm saying is that we can't let
some dirty virus from "China"
completely upend our
lives and shut us down!
Please do not quote the
President in front of our child!
Sharon, I went to China.
Remember? Last season?
I went there to sell our weed,
and I ended up hanging out
with Disney and Mickey Mouse.
You remember all that?
I know what China's like.
Doesn't surprise me all
this shit came from there.
- SHELLY: We're going back to school!
- What?
They're gonna let us go back to school!
NEWS REPORTER: The Park County
School District is holding
an all-parent meeting tomorrow,
and officials are hopeful
that students can return
to school on Monday.
Oh, that's great!
Oh, I don't know if this is a good idea.
The openings come on the heels of news
that scientists are getting
closer to finding the origins
of the COVID pandemic.
Y-Yes, we've been able
to trace the virus
and confirm that it did,
in fact, come from
a seedy part of China.
Ha! Told ya!
And, in fact, we've pinpointed the virus
to a certain bat in Wuhan.
A bat in Wuhan?
What we still don't understand is,
how did a transmitted disease
get from a bat to a human?
How can a virus jump species like that?
We just don't know.
Hello.
Oh! Oh, hey!
You could use some tegridy, China!
- Here's to China! Ha ha!
- To China!
Boy, you sure know how to party, Mick!
Oh, my God! Look at her! Ha ha!
She is so hot!
I think that's a bat.
Yeah! It's a bat!
It's a mouse with wings!
Hey, Mick? Where'd ya go?
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ooh, boy!
- Ohh!
- Ha ha!
Randy, you gotta try it!
Go ahead. Take a turn.
Ohh-oh-oh-oh!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
If they're letting us go back to school,
then soon we can get back to everything.
I mean, doesn't this mean things
are finally going back to normal?
- Dad?
- I gotta go!
- [TELEPHONES RINGING]
- Then sell fucking Epcot Center!
If we can't get people on the rides,
then sell the fucking thing!
No, no, no! I said more "Mandalorian"!
Jesus Christ! We're fucking dying here!
What?! Fucking what?! Ha ha.
Hey. It's Randy Marsh.
From From Tegridy Farms?
What do you want, Marsh?!
I'm in the fucking weeds here!
Look. Um Do you remember
when we fucked that bat in Wuhan?
I've fucked a lot of bats!
Well, I've only fucked one!
I remember
right after, I got really sick,
and this was all back in October.
Jesus Christ, you fucker!
You started all this!
You told me to fuck the bat!
You didn't quarantine
yourself after you got home?!
Nobody knew anything about
COVID when I fucked the bat!
I thought I just came back
from China with the flu!
Look. We can't let
scientists find that bat.
My wife is crazy.
If she finds out I started the pandemic,
she's gonna be a total bitch about it.
[BANGING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Dude, you are not gonna believe this.
What are you doing here?
Is your dad home, Kyle?
We need to talk to a lawyer.
- Mr. Broflovski?!
- Dude, get outta my house!
If you wanna talk, we can go outside!
They're gonna try and
make us go back to school.
Dude, you could be spreading germs!
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle.
They want us to go back to school!
- So?!
- "So?" What the fuck?
You really wanna go
back to that slavery?!
I want an education!
I want to be able to compete
for a job when I'm older.
You crazy, psychotic
Kyle, we need to get a lawyer
to stop the schools
from forcing us back.
Now, whatever your messed-up beliefs are
about wanting to go to school
You really wanna spend
the next year on Zoom?
You don't have to be on Zoom.
There's a million ways around it!
Mark my words, Kyle.
First, they'll force us back to school,
then they'll take social
distancing away from us completely,
and I'll be out of my room
having to hang out with you!
You're out of your room
hanging out with me now.
- Oh, my God.
- They won't get away with this!
[STROLLER WHEELS SQUEAKING]
[WOMAN SOBBING]
Hey! Excuse me!
Y-You're Randy Marsh, right?
Uh m-maybe.
Yeah. Look, man.
I just wanna say thanks. You know?
The Pandemic Special is really amazing.
Oh, yeah. Cool. Thank you.
No, no, listen. You You're awesome.
All this horrible stuff going on, and
well, you come along
and try to fight it!
Okay. Thanks.
Y-You see, I
I lost my wife. To the virus.
My kids, I
I don't even know how to talk to them.
You know? Just
Just thank God for
your Pandemic Special.
Thank God.
It's a great special. It really is.
- Okay.
- No, it's an awesome special.
A-And it was a great
idea to do a special.
Okay, okay! Just stop!
M'kay, welcome, parents,
to this all-school town meeting
to talk about how we're
gonna get your kids
back into the classroom.
Can everyone hear me m'kay?
[PARENTS ALL REPLYING]
M'kay, well, parents, we've made
some amazing adjustments
and hirings, m'kay.
We believe we can welcome
students back on Monday. M'kay?
How are you going to do this?
Yeah, what happens when my
son is sitting in a room
with Craig Tucker, whose father
doesn't even wear a mask outside?
Oh, here we fucking go again!
Stop mask shaming, Stotch!
Well, it's really not a mask
if you wear it
down around your chin.
That's a chin diaper.
There's no real proof that a mask
even fucking does anything!
Spoken like a true redneck!
Oh, fuck you!
[PARENTS CLAMORING]
M'kay, m'kay, everyone! Alright!
M'kay! I just muted everybody! M'kay?
Now, if we don't get along,
I'll just sit here with you all on mute.
M'kay. Now, let's try this again.
I saw Wendy's mother
not wearing a mask
in the changing room at Ross.
The fuck are you doing
spying on me in the changing room?!
- I was at Ross!
- [PARENTS CLAMORING]
M'kay! Boom! You're all muted!
M'kay? I can do this all day!
Now, we've made changes at the school,
and we feel prepared to
welcome your students back.
Mr. Donovan.
I don't care what changes you've made.
My son Clyde is not going to class!
And that is your prerogative. Mute!
M'kay. Mrs. Marsh.
I thought that the issue was
the teachers not coming back.
That is correct.
Our teaching staff does
not feel safe to return.
But we have hired all
new teachers. M'kay.
These are people who have
recently lost their jobs
due to recent events and
are desperate for work.
M'kay. So they'll do
just about anything.
What new teachers?
DET. HARRIS: Alright, men!
As you all know, due to recent events
totally beyond our control,
we have lost most of our funding.
But this new venture will be great,
and I know we will all thrive
as elementary schoolteachers.
This might be our last chance at a job,
so I don't want any unnecessary deaths.
[OFFICERS GROAN]
Ahp! Ahp! No unnecessary deaths!
And let's show this town just
what great leaders we can be.
This is gonna be great.
All over South Park this morning,
children are getting ready
for their first day of class.
And as they do, scientists say
they're closer to finding a vaccine.
Oh, cool! Turn it up!
REPORTER: Tom, I'm standing
in front of the newly built
viral research center where
scientists say they have found
the animal which
started the coronavirus.
The creature was located in China
and then flown to the facility here
where scientists are
studying it thoroughly.
Hey, hey, hey! W-Whoa!
W-What are you guys doing?!
They think they're
about to find a vaccine.
Yes, now that we have the
animal in our possession,
we'll finally be able to
unlock what caused a virus
to jump from it to humans.
Does it matter what
started coronavirus?!
Who cares what started coronavirus?!
You guys are being racist!
We don't need to watch this!
Where's the remote?
This is This is racist television,
and we're not gonna watch it!
- I want to hear this, Randy!
- No!
No. You know what?
You guys are horrible!
Just Just stop it right now!
You traced the virus to Wuhan,
but what you found was not a bat.
Is that correct?
No, no, the virus did
not come from a bat.
You guys What? What'd he say?
We were able to break
down the virus enough
to see there was
actually no bat involved.
No bat involved. No bat involved!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah
It wasn't a bat, it wasn't a bat
It wasn't a bat, in your face!
In your face, it wasn't a bat
When we tracked the virus,
we found it did originate
in Wuhan, but from
a species called pholidota.
And what exactly is pholidota?
It's a pangolin.
And here it is right over here.
[SCRATCHING]
- What's a pangolin, Mom?
- I'm not even sure.
Do you know what a pangolin is, Randy?
[ECHOING] Randy?
STAN: Do you know what
a pangolin is, Dad?
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Dude, I still can't believe
you fucked that bat.
- Okay, okay. Shh!
- Ha ha!
You really let her have it! Oh, boy!
Okay! I don't wanna think
about that right now, Mickey.
I'm just impressed, that's all.
I mean, if you can handle a bat, then
Then what?
You ever have sex with a pangolin?
What the fuck is a pangolin?
[SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Ha ha! Ha whoa! Ho ho!
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Shit!
DET. HARRIS: Alright, children,
welcome back to class.
I'm your new teacher, Detective Harris,
and this is our homeroom
teacher's assistant,
Officer Johnston.
Let's start the day off with some math.
Does anyone understand math?
Who would like to lead
the class with some math?
[PIG SQUEALING]
[CARTMAN SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
Pandemic! There's a pandemic!
You can't make me go to school!
You can't Arghh! Aaaghh! No, no, no!
Oh, no, no! You can't make me!
I don't know if I can do this, Mitch.
I fucking hate kids.
I can't be a teacher.
It's all we got, sir. Let me try.
Kids! Alright! Come on!
Let's settle down!
Now we're gonna do some fingerpaints.
You got that?
You're gonna fingerpaint
"a marsupial of your choice
or a fun thing you did over the summer."
CARTMAN: You can't make us stay here!
This is a violation of our freedom!
Who's with me, guys?!
Now, listen! We're gonna
start fingerpaintin' right now!
Oh, my God! I forgot how much
it sucks to be around everybody!
I think I'm gonna
be sick! All over Kyle!
Bluggggh! [COUGHING]
Fuck you!
[CARTMAN SCREAMING]
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
That's enough!
[GUNS COCK]
[RAPID GUNFIRE]
[BULLETS RICOCHETING]
[CHEERING STOPS]
Got 'im!
[SCRATCHING]
[BEEPING]
HEAD SCIENTIST: And here it is.
This is the pangolin we
tracked down in China,
the animal that could
lead us to a vaccine.
The mysteries of COVID can be unlocked
by our studies of this creature.
I'll just ask you all to
keep a good distance away.
Obviously we can't let anything
happen to this pangolin.
You see, this pangolin's
DNA has mutated,
which is what we believe started it all.
SCIENTIST #1: The
pangolin has mutated how?
We're not completely sure,
but we believe now that
something somehow
got its DNA up into the pangolin.
Scientist #2:
How exactly could that happen?
Well, i-it's almost like
another creature
somehow inserted its DNA
up into the pangolin.
SCIENTIST #3: Perhaps some other species
somehow mated with the pangolin?
SCIENTIST #2: Oh, come on!
What kind of animal
would have sex with a pangolin?
- SCIENTIST #1: Yeah!
- Look how ugly that thing is!
- [SCIENTISTS CHUCKLING]
- Yeah. Yeah!
RANDY: Okay. Okay.
Again, what really matters
is that we decode
the foreign DNA inside the pangolin.
That would be the key to a vaccine,
perhaps even a cure.
We have to know what raped the pangolin.
RANDY: Oh. So now it was "rape."
Excuse me, sir. Who are you?
This tour is for scientists
that specialize in pandemics.
Are you a pandemic specialist?
Yeah, I'm a pandemic specialist.
I'm making one right now.
O-kay. Anyway, if you all
follow me now to the micro labs,
I can show you the containment system
for once a vaccine is able to be tried.
[WHOOSHING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[FEEDBACK WHINES]
M'kay. M'kay, parents?
Can everyone hear me m'kay?
- Everyone listen up.
- [CONVERSATIONS STOP]
We don't want anyone to panic, m'kay,
but there has been a COVID
exposure here at the school.
[PARENTS GASP]
M'kay. One of our fourth graders
was taken to the hospital
a couple hours ago, m'kay?
But we we think
Token's gonna be okay.
Now, due to county protocol,
everyone that was in the school
now has to quarantine for two weeks.
So we will be keeping your kids here,
and the teachers will
be staying with them.
[PARENTS SHOUTING]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
DET. HARRIS: Alright, students, shut up.
I know this situation is not ideal,
but we all have to quarantine
together for two weeks.
CARTMAN: This is bullshit!
You don't want to infect
your families, do you?
You were all exposed to a student here
who was taken to the
hospital due to COVID.
Yes?
STAN: Uh, we were there,
and Token was actually
taken to the hospital
because you guys shot him.
Yes, due to COVID.
If it weren't for COVID,
all the previous teachers
would have still been here,
we wouldn't have been in the class,
and nobody would have gotten shot.
Therefore the young man is
in the hospital due to COVID.
It was COVID-related.
STAN: That doesn't make any sense!
REPORTER: And scientists are asking
all South Park County residents
to keep an eye out for the creature.
Once again, the pangolin
escaped from the facility yesterday,
and many people are fearing the worst.
Scientists say that even though
they have samples from the pangolin,
they now don't have what
they need for a vaccine.
Yes, you see, what
we needed was the foreign DNA
that was up inside the pangolin.
It's whatever that DNA
was that was our key to a cure.
MAN: [WHISTLES] Hello?! Anyone home?!
Got a delivery here. Needs a signature.
Oh, okay.
Oh, h-hey. If you're gonna
come any closer,
would you mind wearing a,
you know, chin diaper?
Oh. Sorry.
Here you go. Just sign right there.
Have a nice day.
Oh, and, hey.
I'm really loving the Pandemic Special.
Yeah, thanks.
[GASPS]
Why did you send that to me?
Ha ha! Because you're a dead man, Marsh!
It's your DNA that they
need for a vaccine! Ha ha!
Yeah, I know,
but I can't just turn myself in!
This isn't personal,
Marsh. It's business.
I'm having you killed,
then secretly we'll send your DNA
to the scientists for
the vaccine. Ha ha.
This is all your fault, Mickey Mouse!
You made the deal with the devil
when you sold your
"Mulan" shit to China!
And then you took me out and
sold me on how great China was
and how we should all suck their dick!
You made me lose my tegridy and
anything special that I had
Special. Wait a minute.
That's it.
What's it? Ha ha.
The special. The Pandemic Special!
That's how we can
get my DNA into people!
We can vaccinate them
without them even knowing!
What are you talking about?
Just give me a couple more
days before you have me killed.
I-I think I know a way out of this.
[MONITORS BEEPING, VENTILATORS HISSING]
[POUNDING]
[POUNDING]
[WIND WHISTLING]
Randy?
Shh! Hey, Jimbo.
W-What are you?
It's okay, Jimbo.
I think I might have a cure for COVID.
You're just gonna haveto trust me, okay?
[SQUISHING]
[MOANS]
Unh.
Ohhhhhhh.
- Uh Uh
- Shh!
- This is gonna be great.
- No, uh [MUFFLED]
It's okay. It's okay. Just breathe.
Br-e-e-e-eathe.
- [MUFFLED COUGHING]
- It's okay.
It's okay. Breathe.
We miss ya, honey!
We can't wait for quarantine to be over!
[ALARM BLARES]
OFFICER: Group 4! Your meal is over!
Back to your class!
Alright. Group 5, it's now mealtime!
Come in but keep your social distance!
Yeah, that's good social distancing.
Real good.
BUTTERS: March 16th! It was March 16th!
That's how long it's been!
It was supposed to be a party!
A big, happy gathering at Build-A-Bear
to celebrate me being a
big boy at the dentist!
Then they shut it all down.
They said I'd have to wait until April.
And then it was May.
And then they said wait until summer!
It's fucking October now!
Why doesn't anyone tell me the truth?!
That I'm never going to Build-A-Bear!
That I'm never going ever again!
Butters, Butters, you gotta calm down.
I'm never going to Build-A-Bear, am I?!
Oh, hey, Teachers.
Sorry. W-Wait. I'm sorry.
I don't need to go to
Build-A-Bear! Fellas?
SHARON: Randy. Where are the car keys?
Randy!
Huh? Uh What? What?
Where are the car keys?
They're probably in
my pants pocket. Why?
I have to get over to the hospital.
The hospital? For what?
It's Jimbo. Doctor said he's better,
so I can take him home.
- Jimbo's better?
- They said he doesn't have
any symptoms,
and his tests are showing negative.
Holy shit.
It works. It can help!
[UNZIPPING]
[SOFT SMACKING]
[MOANS]
Unh.
Oh, boy.
Kyle, I need to talk to you.
Hey, dude. I'm really worried
about Butters. I think he's sick.
You think he got the virus?
No! It's all the other stuff.
The isolation and the uncertainty.
I'm just really worried
what all the stuff
around COVID is doing to some kids.
You know, not every kid is like us.
There's some kids who really
can't take it anymore.
I know. This bullshit sucks.
But Butters'll be okay.
And what if he's not?
What if Butters is actually
starting to lose his mind?
What if he feels his
body shutting down right now?
You really think it's that bad?
It's time for us to ask for help,
from someone who has more authority
at this school than these cops.
Mr. President! The CDC is on the line.
They need to speak with you urgently!
Tell them to suck my asshole.
Mr. President, Dr. Fauci is on line two,
and FDA chief is on line three.
Ooh! Tell Fauci to shove it up his ass
and let the FDA chief know
he can eat shit off my balls.
Sir! Sir, you have
an urgent call on line four
from a Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave?
Okay, go! Go, go, go!
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yes? This is the President
of the entire United States.
Uh, hi. It's Stan Marsh.
Stan Marsh? Where's Mr. Slave?
I'm sorry. We had to get your attention.
Listen, we're being kept at the school,
and one of the students
here is really sick.
Oh, for Pete's sake, here we go again.
Just deal with it. I am busy.
No, no, Mr. President, please!
You gotta come back to South Park.
Our teachers are shooting people!
Everyone's arguing, and
and there's a facility
outside of town that found the pangolin
and are working on a vaccine.
You might be able to stop the pandemic!
Why would I do that?
Huh?
Stan, this is gonna be very difficult
for a child to understand,
but I made a promise to
the American people
To get rid of all the Mexicans.
But the pandemic isn't
just killing Mexicans.
It's killing a lot of them.
I've gone over the statistics, Stan.
All I have to do now is
sort of guide the avalanche
in right direction,
and I'm fulfilling my promises
to the American People.
I was doing a crap job until
this pandemic happened.
You're just going to sit
there and not do anything?
I am going to
actively not do anything.
And you can eat
shit off my balls and die.
God dammit!
[HORNS HONKING]
[GROANING]
Okay, there you go.
That's all I can sell you right now.
Just make sure you smoke it, okay?
Enjoy the special.
H-Hang on, guys!
I gotta prep some more.
Just give me like four minutes.
[MOANING]
Randy?!
- Oh!
- Randy!
Just what?!
Randy, you've gotta get in here!
I'm doing something important, Sharon!
People need this right now!
Come upstairs.
Something's wrong with Jimbo!
He's just been sleeping for days.
They said he was getting better.
Last night, his fever came back.
And then a few hours ago,
this thing appeared on his face.
What thing?
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
Jimbo's never been
able to grow a mustache.
Huh. That's weird.
Should I call the doctor?
No! No, no, no! Don't call the doctor!
- They're busy.
- These are unprecedented times.
W-We have no idea what caused this.
Special
What, Jimbo?
Pandemic uh Special
Why's he talking about your special?
Everyone's talking about
the special, Sharon.
It's a big deal.
He obviously needs it right now.
I'm gonna get the thermometer.
Just fucking shut up!
You have no idea if it's
because of the special!
You could just be sick again
'cause you're a fat fucking alcoholic,
and I am not going to jail for you!
[SMACK]
And you say you've never
had a mustache before?
No! Never!
It just came outta nowhere!
How can this happen, doctor?
Have you put anything
toxic in your body lately?
Any drugs or alcohol?
No! I mean
I've enjoyed a little of
the Pandemic Special
Oh, no, no no.
That That's totally fine.
NURSE: Doctor! You better come
to the emergency room!
Holy shit.
Another strain of COVID,
or simply more COVID-related symptoms?
A reported one in 10
people in Park County
are experiencing mustaches
and nobody seems to know why.
The mayor has called for help
from infectious disease experts,
and Dr. Anthony Fauci arrived
at South Park Hospital
today to give his advice.
We aren't sure why some
people are getting a mustache
and some aren't,
but we have to do all we can
to avoid it becoming fashionable.
Will our chin diapers keep us safe?
Yes, but we must wear them
where the mustache would be.
We need to wear them
over our mouth and nose.
Are you out of your mind?
You expect people to wear
a diaper over their nose?
That's disgusting. Fuck you, Fauci!
Citizens are asked to stay indoors
and just try and relax
and maybe enjoy some of
the Pandemic Special.
No! Shit!
Nice
Butters? Butters?
- Wha?
- Don't worry.
I'm going to save you!
Okay. Save me from what?
Guys! Guys!
[CLAPPING]
You guys, we have
to get Butters out of here.
Who else can we call, Stan?
No. We have to get
him out of here now.
We need to take him to Build-A-Bear.
Are you nuts?
He has to go out and
do something normal!
Stan, Build-A-Bear is
currently by appointment only.
And a only maximum party of
four can visit at one time.
We can't sit around and wait for
people to figure things out, okay?!
It's not gonna happen.
They just keep taking
everything from him
and saying it's for his own good.
But who's to say he can't go out
and have a little goddamn fun?!
If we want things to go back to normal,
then we just gotta go do it!
Stan's right. If we want things
to go back to normal,
we have to do it ourselves.
They're just gonna keep
making more restrictions
and more rules, and who's gonna fight
to go back to the way things were?
I sure as hell will!
We can make things
normal for Butters again
and make school the way it was.
The way it was! Online,
in our own rooms!
Wait. What?
No, in a class, with real teachers!
Wait. What?
What normal are you talking about?
I'm talking about normal,
like back in March.
What normal are you talking about?
I'm talking about normal
like three days ago
when everything was awesome.
Look, it doesn't matter.
We just gotta break the fuck outta here.
Timmy!
[BOLT CUTTERS CLICK, CHAINS RATTLE]
[DOOR SLAMS, CHILDREN
SCREAMING, LAUGHING]
The new outbreak in South
Park is spreading rapidly,
and as highways into town close
and governments
consider a full lockdown,
one question is on everyone's mind
Where is the damn pangolin?
Some speculate the
pangolin took its own life
while others think that Sorry.
Sorry, we're getting some breaking news!
Oh, God.
Students at South Park Elementary School
have broken quarantine and
are now out on the loose!
The fugitives broke
out sometime last night.
Teachers are reporting
there's no cause for alarm
except that these children
have all been exposed to COVID
and could be running around
spreading mustaches right now!
[SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Super spreaders!
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
One can of shaving cream per family!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Butters?!
Butters, you get back to quarantine
or you are gonna be grounded!
THOMAS: Hey, Stotch!
You heard what the scientist said!
Get your diaper up
over your mustache area!
I'm not wearing a damn
diaper over my nose!
Don't you care about people?!
Yeah, we care way more about
what's right than you do, bitch!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[CAR HORNS HONKING, PEOPLE SHOUTING]
For Christ's sake
The entire town is in chaos!
How the hell did you let
those kids out of quarantine?!
Don't blame this on us teachers!
You opened the school and gave
us barely enough resources
to do our job!
Everyone is terrified
of catching something
from these super spreaders!
Well, I don't know what
you're gonna do, Mayor.
You took all our funding away.
You said our equipment was too extreme.
Now, if we had some
of that stuff back
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Tsst-tst-tst!
We certainly don't want you teachers
to be without every resource available.
I'll write an executive order to get you
everything you need.
Boys we are back in business!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[MOTORCYCLES REVVING]
[DOGS BARKING]
Possible COVID exposure at four o'clock!
You there!
You are violating a
mandated safer-inside order!
Put down the snowball and
get back to quarantine!
We've got a runner!
[GUNFIRE]
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
Okay, all clear.
Come on. Go, go, go!
All right, you ready
to have some fun, Butters?
- I sure am, fellas!
- Okay!
Shit, shit, get back!
Back, back, back, back!
[GEARS SQUEAKING]
Okay, all good. Come on.
Dude, we made it!
Butters, Butters look!
BUTTERS: Whoa!
Is it really for reals?
Yeah, it's real. Come on!
We got an appointment!
Oh. Hey, excuse me.
We have an appointment.
Oh, no, sorry. We're closed.
But I called.
You said you were open
today for appointments!
Yeah, we had to shut down again!
Somebody came into the
store with a mustache.
A mustache?
Please, my friend has to build a bear.
I'm sorry! These
are unprecedented times!
Oh, just give us one minute!
Oh, good job, Stan!
Thanks for getting my hopes up,
you asshole!
Come on, dude, we better get
outta here before we're spotted.
- We can't go.
- What do you mean?
We don't have a choice.
We're gonna have to break in.
And then do what?
And then build him a bear!
Without any employees?
What, do you expect us to just
build our own bear?
If we have to, yes.
Dude, you need people to help you
do the stuffing and the closing.
You don't You don't
actually build your own bear
I don't care!
I'm not following the rules anymore.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[BOTTLES CLATTERING]
[GROANING]
What the hell are you doing?
I just gotta take all
the Pandemic Special
over to Thompson Lake and dump it.
Dump it?!
Why are you worrying
about this right now?!
Because the Pandemic
Special needs to end.
A special has to end, Sharon,
or else it's not really
a "special," is it?
God dammit, Randy,
our son is out in this chaos!
This is not the time for
you to be dealing with
your fucking marijuana!
Somebody's gotta find him!
No, no! Okay! Okay, okay,
hold on, I'm coming!
Maybe we can just stop the
special by the lake on the way.
Fuck you!
[BANGING]
[GLASS SHATTERS, CRASHING]
Here we are, Butters!
Look you made it!
Oh, boy! Is this a dream?
No, it's not a dream!
We are really here,
and we are gonna build you a bear!
Which one you want? You want the panda?
You want the Bronco koala?
The Cabellero Grizzly.
Cabellero Grizzly.
Okay, we just find the shell,
and the, uh the outfit
Stan, you really need employee
assistance with this.
It's gonna fucking work!
Just fucking shut up!
Okay. Okay, Butters look!
We're gonna put the stuffing in!
Wow!
Okay, uh, um
[BUTTON CLICKING]
[MACHINE BEEPING]
BUTTERS: Aaaah! God!
It's okay! We can start over!
We can start over!
There's a do-over machine
right over there! Look!
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
SHARON: Stanley!
St-a-a-a-a-an!
What if he's dead, Randy?!
He's not dead, Sharon.
Then why hasn't he even called?!
[POUNDING ON WINDSHIELD]
Hey, can we have some
of that Pandemic Special?
No!
Nobody needs the special right now!
It's not helping!
Oh, my God.
- Oh, God, no.
- What?!
They got Applebee's, too.
Drive me back to the farm, Sharon.
I need to get something.
[AIR BLOWING INTERMITTENTLY]
God dammit!
[AIR BLOWING LOUDLY]
Dude, just let it go.
No, Kyle, we can't let Butters down!
Stan, are you sure
this is about Butters?
'Cause you seem really
desperate to build a bear.
DET. HARRIS: Attention
protesting looters!
Protesting slash looting is a violation
of the mayor's health order.
You have five minutes to come out
or we will have to take action.
We gotta surrender, fellas!
I'm honestly not having
that much fun anyways.
No! I'm not giving up!
All right, that was about five minutes.
Okay, boys, light 'em up!
[MACHINERY WHIRRING]
[BEEPING]
Wait!
Everyone just stop!
Who the hell is that?
I have something that
might change all of this.
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
[PANGOLIN CHITTERING]
- It's the pangolin!
- Look!
- He found it!
- The pangolin!
He's found it!
This is what you've all
been looking for, right?
Well, here!
Go ahead and do all the
tests you want on it.
You'll find out
everything you need to know.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Oh, no! You're not ending this pandemic!
- Hey!
- Cartman, no!
Don't do it, Cartman!
That thing is our only chance.
Your only chance!
For your normal, not mine!
I am not going back to school!
You guys were right, okay?
This hasn't been about Butters.
I've been acting like
this because I can't take
these shutdowns anymore,
and I'm scared what it's doing to me.
I'm looking for who to blame.
Saying I'm trying to help people
to make myself feel better,
because the truth is
I just want to have fun again.
I wanted to see that I
could go out in the world
and do things that I used to do,
but I can't.
I'm not any better,
and I don't care any more
than anyone else.
And I did all this because
I just want my life back.
I just want my life back
I don't believe it.
So So what happens now?
Now we have hope.
We've learned that we might
never get back to our old lives,
but by working together,
we just might find a new way to
Aargh! Ohh!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[FLAMETHROWER ROARING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Don't forget to get out and vote,
everybody!
Big election coming up.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And since
the students broke quarantine,
all South Park residents are now exposed
and under complete lockdown
for the unforeseeable future.
How do I even begin to apologize?
You guys we were right.
I think all the marijuana
really did go to my head.
You said it a drug is a drug,
and I'm not who I used to be.
It's time for me to
own up to everything.
It's time everyone knew
what started this pandemic.
Hey, Sharon, I need to talk to you.
I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon.
I can't deal with hard
times the way that you can.
If you're ready to talk,
I'm ready to listen, Randy.
What?
You want nothing to do
with the Pandemic Special.
No. I don't smoke marijuana, Randy.
Uh-huh.
What did you want to talk to me about?
I just think maybe I'm
gonna do a few more specials.
You got some shit on your face.