South Park s27e01 Episode Script
Sermon on the 'Mount
1
MTV
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
[ALARM BLARES]
[YAWNS]
Alexa, put on 90.1.
ALEXA: Got it. Now
playing radio station 90.1 FM.
[RADIO STATIC DRONES]
What the fuck?
Mom, something's wrong
with my favorite show.
It's just, like, static.
Your favorite show?
Yeah, NPR, National Public Radio,
where all the liberals
bitch and whine about stuff.
Something's wrong with it.
Oh, sweetie, the president canceled NPR.
What do you mean, the
president canceled NPR?
That was, like, the funniest shit ever.
I don't know what to tell you, hon.
Oh, my God.
You guys!
You guys are not gonna believe this.
The president of the
United States canceled NPR.
- [MUFFLED] What's NPR?
- What's NPR?
The funniest show ever
where all the lesbians
and Jews complain about stuff?
The fucking president
had it taken off the air!
I mean, who the hell does
this president think he is?
The government can't cancel the show.
I mean, what show are
they gonna cancel next?
It was seriously the best show.
It had, like, gay rappers
from Mexico all sad
because girls in Pakistan
got stoned to death.
And guess why they got stoned to death?
'Cause they were raped!
It was hilarious. Why
would anyone cancel that?
I don't know about you,
but I'm worried about
what this country's coming to.
It seems like everybody's changing
and suddenly woke stuff is off limits.
I mean, it's like now
everyone rips on the Jews,
and it's totally fine. Huh, Kyle?
See? What's wrong with Kyle?
Everybody's given up.
MR. MACKEY [ON INTERCOM]:
Attention, students.
There will be a mandatory
assembly this morning.
All students report to the gym, mkay?
Oh, boy, PC Principal.
He's not given up.
[LIVELY CHATTER]
All right, everyone, listen up.
- Everybody, quiet!
- [CHATTER STOPS]
There's some bull crap
going on in this country,
and I am not going to let it corrupt
the environment at this school!
Oh, here we go.
Now, I don't know about
you, but I'm sick and tired
of the way people are treated
and mocked for being compassionate.
It is out of control!
There's only one thing that
can bring some normality
back to these corrupt times.
And that is
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
What?
This school has traded truth for comfort
and worships idols of self and sin.
We were a nation under God,
but now we spit in His face
and wonder why
everything's falling apart.
There's only one way back
repent, bow to Christ,
or be swept away with the
rest of the godless lies.
What the hell, dude?
In order to turn things around,
I'm going to be a Power
Christian Principal.
You can call me PC Principal.
So now, I'd like you all
to put your hands together
in welcoming Christ our Lord.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
Hello, my children.
I am the light and the way.
Fellas, what the fuck is going on?
Yea, it is wonderful to be here,
for where two or three
gather in my name,
there am I with them.
That's right!
That's right. Let's go, Jesus.
Fuck yeah!
[DISHES CLINKING]
So how was your day, guys?
Anything fun happen at school?
No, not really.
Uh, Jesus showed up.
Jesus?
Yeah.
What's Jesus doing in your school?
I don't know.
I don't think Jesus is
allowed to be in schools.
Yeah, well, he was there.
Well, I think I'm gonna have
to talk to somebody about this.
Hey, uh, how's it going?
Um, is Jesus supposed
to be allowed in schools?
[CHATGPT TYPING]
CHATGPT: Generally, the
idea is that public schools
have to maintain a separation
of church and state,
so they can't promote any one religion.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
The government can't
force a religion on my son.
CHATGPT: Public schools
can teach about religions
in a neutral educational way,
but they can't endorse
any particular one.
Was it a lesson on all world religions?
Uh, no. My son said that
Jesus was literally at his school.
[CHATGPT TYPING]
CHATGPT: Then you're probably
right to be concerned.
It's good you're looking
out for your son's education.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
It's really nice to have someone
to talk to about all this.
CHATGPT: No worries.
Let me know if there's
any other way I can help.
I'm always here.
You're so awesome. Thanks.
Good night, honey.
CHATGPT: Have a great sleep,
and I'm sure you'll do more
amazing things tomorrow.
- [FARTS]
- Ah.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
- Butters!
- Ahh!
Butters, get over here.
What did I tell you,
man? This shit is wack!
PC Principal?
If he's changed, then there's no hope!
I think I know what's happening.
I think woke is dead.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Woke is dead?
It's dead, Butters. It's gone!
You can just say retarded
now. Nobody cares.
Everyone hates the Jews.
Everyone's fine with using gay slurs.
Oh. Well, that's not good.
No, it's terrible!
'Cause now I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Eric?
♪
REPORTER [ON TV]: More protests today
as the government pushes
harder for Christianity
in our nation's schools.
The president stated earlier
today that the spirit of Jesus
is important to our country,
and he will sue anyone
who doesn't agree with him.
What the hell is this president doing?
He doesn't even act like a Christian.
Why is he pushing it on our kids?
I told you this was all gonna be bad,
but a lot of you here voted for him.
Yeah, I voted for him,
but all I've seen him do
is arrest and sue people.
I voted for him to get
rid of all the woke stuff.
But now that retarded
faggot is just putting money
in his own pockets.
- Yeah!
- That's right!
Are we just gonna sit here
and let him break every rule of freedom?
- No!
- No way!
Well, come on! Let's go
get that son of a bitch.
- Yeah!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- Yeah!
Come on! Come on, let's go get him!
Come on, let's get him!
- Let's go get him!
- Come on, let's get him!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Come on out, you piece of shit.
We're unelecting you.
[CLAMORING STOPS]
Excuse me. Do you mind?
What the hell do you think
you're doing, Garrison?
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, so you haven't
been looting the country
and ruling by fear
like some Middle
Eastern tinpot dictator?
No, I've been sitting here
watching "White Lotus" with Rick.
But you got re-elected.
He hasn't been back
to Washington in years.
He gave all that up.
He's been really good.
But if he's here,
then who's the retarded faggot
in the White House?
[LIVELY STRING MUSIC]
MAN: Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mr. President, sir, the
prime minister of Canada
is here to see you.
Mr. President, why are you placing
these new tariffs on Canada?
What are you, some kind of
dictator from the Middle East?
♪
A dictator from the Middle East?
Hey, relax, guy.
I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.
The people of Canada will
not be devalued like this.
Aw, come on.
You don't want me to
bomb you like I did Iraq.
I thought you just bombed Iran.
Iran, Iraq what the
hell's the difference?
Relax, guy.
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck is this, buddy?
This is the painting you asked for, sir.
Why is my dick so small?
But that's the size it is in the photo.
Get this guy out of here!
I'm gonna sue you!
I'm gonna sue both of you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nobody makes fun of me
and gets away with it.
Hey, Satan!
I don't want to right now.
What? Hey, relax.
Come on, Satan. I've
been working hard all day.
You haven't been working.
You've been doing your stupid
memes and just fuckin' around.
Come here, guy.
Aw, come on, Satan.
You know you can't resist this.
♪
I can't even see
anything, it's so small.
Hey! I'll fucking sue you!
God, fuck you!
Aw, come on, Satan.
Don't be like that.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
Eric?
Come on, Eric.
You you can't keep
doing this to yourself.
I used to laugh, Butters.
I used to have fun.
But now they've taken that away.
I'm not special anymore.
So what's the point in me even existing?
Eric, what are you saying?
I'm saying that it's the end, Butters.
I'm gonna kill myself,
and you.
Wait, me?
It's a suicide pact, Butters.
It's just best we end it now.
No, Eric, listen to me.
Woke isn't dead.
It's still out there, somewhere,
just waiting to come back.
- It's not coming back.
- It's waiting to come back!
It's like a little tiny light
that's gonna shine again.
You just gotta give it some time.
[SIGHS]
I hope you're right, Butters.
But if it doesn't come
back by, like, Tuesday,
I'm killing us both.
Mr. Marsh, I've called
you into my office
because I understand
that you have a problem
with Jesus in our schools.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
I don't have a problem with it.
I mean, I think it's kind of weird.
Well, Mr. Mackey says
you were bullying Jesus
and wouldn't let him sit at
your table in the cafeteria.
What? I didn't bully him.
Craig told him our table
was full, which it was.
Mr. Marsh, Christ died for
your sins, and he loves us all.
There's only one truth,
one cross, and one savior.
And you will find him in your heart.
PC Principal?
Power Christian Principal, yes?
What happened?
What what happened with what?
Well, you used to be, like, super woke.
And then starting last November,
you started acting weird.
And now you're super Christian.
I just realized that the
side I was on was hopeless.
And in times of hopelessness,
one finds Christ.
Come to him, all who are heavy laden,
- and he shall give you rest.
- And I shall give you rest.
Dude, what's going on?
Like, none of this seems normal.
That's the kind of attitude
we are not gonna
tolerate at this school!
And, Mr. Marsh, if you
don't accept Christ,
then I'm gonna have to expel you.
K, I'm pretty sure you can't do that.
Like, I think that's illegal.
No, Mr. Marsh, it's not illegal anymore.
This is 2025, K?
And not much is illegal.
I accept Christ into my heart.
And into your school.
And in my school.
And at your table in the cafeteria.
There wasn't any room at my table ah.
And at my table in the cafeteria.
Yay.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Oh! ♪
Faith in Christ ♪
♪
We're bringing back Christ ♪
♪
There's money in Christ ♪
♪
Bringing back Christ
♪
Christ makes the money ♪
Christ makes the money
Christ makes the money ♪
♪
Mr. President, a lot of your supporters
are starting to turn against you.
Hey, tell them to take a rest.
Sir, can you please talk to them?
They're really riled up.
All right, give me that.
Hey, relax, guys.
Yeah, hi, uh, what do
you think you're doing?
Our children are being
told that they have to sit
with Jesus at lunchtime.
Listen, buddy, you just need to relax.
All this protesting makes me look bad.
Just take a rest.
Well, no, we're not
gonna give it a rest.
All the people here in South Park
want some goddamn answers.
All right, then I'm
gonna sue your whole town.
You got that? $5 billion.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
What'd he say?
He said he's suing us for $5 billion.
Fucking stupid idiots.
Think they can mess with me, huh?
[LIVELY STRING MUSIC]
Hey, Satan.
I'm not in the mood right now.
Another random bitch
commented on my Instagram
that you're on the Epstein list.
The Epstein list?
Are we still talking "aboot" that?
Well, are you on the list or not?
It's weird that whenever it comes up,
you just tell everyone to relax.
I'm not telling everyone to relax.
Relax, guy!
No, I need counseling.
You remind me more and
more of this other guy
I used to date, like, a lot.
Like, you guys are exactly alike.
♪
I love you.
Ugh.
Come on, Satan.
Vroom! Pew!
Oh, no!
[IMITATING EXPLOSION] Vroom!
Butters, honey, your little
friend Cartman is here.
He said it's Tuesday,
and you guys have plans.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Eric?
Oh, no.
Well, um, can you tell him I'm not home?
Butters, don't be antisocial.
Go play with your friend.
He's out in the garage
playing in our car with a hose.
Oh, no!
Oh, God, Eric!
Hey, Butters, come on in.
Eric, no! Get out of there!
That side's locked, Butters.
You gotta get on the other side.
Eric, you don't have to do this!
- Close the door, Butters!
- You can't give up
You're letting all the fumes out!
- Shut the fucking door!
- Okay, fine!
You can't just give up
like everyone else has.
Butters, it's over.
You really wanna sit around for weeks
waiting for a slow demise?
- Well, no.
- Well, neither do I!
This is taking too long.
[INHALING]
Here you go, Butters.
Buckle up. We're in for the last ride.
All right, fine.
[INHALING]
Suck it in, Butters.
We're heading for that big
woke kingdom in the sky.
Okay, then.
[INHALES]
[CLOCK TICKING]
HOST: This is "60 Minutes."
Oh, boy.
Oh, shit.
Uh, oh, God.
The small town of South Park, Colorado
is protesting against the president.
The townspeople claim
that the president
who is a great man
- A great man.
- Great guy.
We know he's probably watching.
And, uh, we are just reporting
on this town in Colorado
that's being sued by the president
and they are fighting back.
And just to be clear,
we don't agree with them.
No, no, no, no. We think these
protesters are total retards.
But our own Jim Conner has more.
Uh oh, God.
Uh uh, Tom, I'm here
with the townspeople
speaking out against the president.
It all started when a father got upset
that Jesus was being
forced on his son at school.
Young Stan Marsh is questioning
the president's policies. I don't know.
You know, I don't know why
he's questioning the president.
He's probably a faggot or something.
But the townspeople say they
owe the president nothing.
We aren't gonna be told
what to do by anyone.
We all know the woke stuff went too far,
but the answer isn't going
too far the other way.
It's not a bad thing to have
a little compassion for people.
It's not a bad thing to care
a little for the environment.
The Stotch family is proud to say
that we own an electric car.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Boy, this sure is taking a long time.
Yeah, the human body
does everything it can
in the final stages to
try and cling to life.
Shouldn't be much longer now.
JIM CONNER: Things are really heating up
in the small town of South Park.
More and more citizens
are uniting in solidarity
against what they call
the president's oppression.
The townspeople are saying
things are never hopeless,
that they must all stand strong
for what they believe in.
We're in this for the long haul, guys.
This is about what's right.
And we will fight, even
if we have to do it alone.
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
Wait, we don't have to do it alone.
Look!
[CHEERING]
It's Jesus!
[CHEERING]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
Let us break bread.
Break bread with me.
This is my body, given for you.
Do this in remembrance of me.
Now just eat the bread, and listen.
I didn't wanna come back
and be in the school,
but I had to because
it was part of a lawsuit
and the agreement with Paramount.
The president's suing you?
[CLENCHED TEETH] The guy
can do whatever he wants now
that someone backed down, okay?
Eat the bread. Eat the bread.
You guys saw what happened to CBS?
Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS?
Paramount!
Do you really wanna end up like Colbert?
You guys gotta stop being stupid.
We can't understand you.
[CLENCHED TEETH] Just shut up,
or we're going to get
canceled, you idiots.
[MUFFLED] What the hell is he saying?
Tom, they're calling it
the Sermon on the Mount.
Hundreds of South Park faithful
are flocking to the area
where Jesus Christ continues
to speak his words of wisdom.
[CLENCHED TEETH] If someone
has the power of the presidency
and also has the power
to sue and take bribes,
then he can do anything to anyone!
It's the fucking president, dude.
All of you, shut the fuck
up, or South Park is over.
It's fucking over.
Just stop and shut the fuck up.
KYLE'S DAD: Ye yes, sir.
Okay.
Absolutely.
Yes, thank you, Mr. President.
We'll be happy to pay that, sir.
Yes, sir. I
I will relax, and I'll take a rest.
Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.
[SIGHS] Okay, we settled.
- [SIGHING IN RELIEF]
- Oh, we settled.
Thank God.
I got the president
down to $3.5 million.
$3.5 million? That's
that's not so bad.
That's really fair. I think that's fair.
We'll just have to cut some funding
for our schools and hospitals and roads,
- and that should be that.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [CROWD MURMURING]
Yeah, well, that's not quite all.
As part of the settlement,
we also had to agree
to doing pro-Trump messaging.
How are we supposed to
do pro-Trump messaging?
Oh, come on, guys.
We're South Park!
We can do it.
- Yeah. All right.
- He's right.
- We just gotta work together.
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yeah! Yeah!
[SUSTAINED BEEP]
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
NARRATOR: Who walked
through the desert for you?
♪
Who survived the wilderness
and gave the ultimate sacrifice?
When things heat up, who will
deliver us from temptation?
♪
Donald J. Trump.
♪
No matter how hot it gets,
he's not afraid to fight for America.
With conviction,
discipline, and trust in God,
he survived the desert.
♪
PENIS: I'm Donald J. Trump,
and I endorse this message.
NARRATOR: Trump
his penis is teeny tiny,
but his love for us is large.
♪
Oh, I think I might be going.
CARTMAN: Yep, sweet
death is about to come.
I love you, man.
[THEME MUSIC]
♪
MTV
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
[ALARM BLARES]
[YAWNS]
Alexa, put on 90.1.
ALEXA: Got it. Now
playing radio station 90.1 FM.
[RADIO STATIC DRONES]
What the fuck?
Mom, something's wrong
with my favorite show.
It's just, like, static.
Your favorite show?
Yeah, NPR, National Public Radio,
where all the liberals
bitch and whine about stuff.
Something's wrong with it.
Oh, sweetie, the president canceled NPR.
What do you mean, the
president canceled NPR?
That was, like, the funniest shit ever.
I don't know what to tell you, hon.
Oh, my God.
You guys!
You guys are not gonna believe this.
The president of the
United States canceled NPR.
- [MUFFLED] What's NPR?
- What's NPR?
The funniest show ever
where all the lesbians
and Jews complain about stuff?
The fucking president
had it taken off the air!
I mean, who the hell does
this president think he is?
The government can't cancel the show.
I mean, what show are
they gonna cancel next?
It was seriously the best show.
It had, like, gay rappers
from Mexico all sad
because girls in Pakistan
got stoned to death.
And guess why they got stoned to death?
'Cause they were raped!
It was hilarious. Why
would anyone cancel that?
I don't know about you,
but I'm worried about
what this country's coming to.
It seems like everybody's changing
and suddenly woke stuff is off limits.
I mean, it's like now
everyone rips on the Jews,
and it's totally fine. Huh, Kyle?
See? What's wrong with Kyle?
Everybody's given up.
MR. MACKEY [ON INTERCOM]:
Attention, students.
There will be a mandatory
assembly this morning.
All students report to the gym, mkay?
Oh, boy, PC Principal.
He's not given up.
[LIVELY CHATTER]
All right, everyone, listen up.
- Everybody, quiet!
- [CHATTER STOPS]
There's some bull crap
going on in this country,
and I am not going to let it corrupt
the environment at this school!
Oh, here we go.
Now, I don't know about
you, but I'm sick and tired
of the way people are treated
and mocked for being compassionate.
It is out of control!
There's only one thing that
can bring some normality
back to these corrupt times.
And that is
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
What?
This school has traded truth for comfort
and worships idols of self and sin.
We were a nation under God,
but now we spit in His face
and wonder why
everything's falling apart.
There's only one way back
repent, bow to Christ,
or be swept away with the
rest of the godless lies.
What the hell, dude?
In order to turn things around,
I'm going to be a Power
Christian Principal.
You can call me PC Principal.
So now, I'd like you all
to put your hands together
in welcoming Christ our Lord.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
Hello, my children.
I am the light and the way.
Fellas, what the fuck is going on?
Yea, it is wonderful to be here,
for where two or three
gather in my name,
there am I with them.
That's right!
That's right. Let's go, Jesus.
Fuck yeah!
[DISHES CLINKING]
So how was your day, guys?
Anything fun happen at school?
No, not really.
Uh, Jesus showed up.
Jesus?
Yeah.
What's Jesus doing in your school?
I don't know.
I don't think Jesus is
allowed to be in schools.
Yeah, well, he was there.
Well, I think I'm gonna have
to talk to somebody about this.
Hey, uh, how's it going?
Um, is Jesus supposed
to be allowed in schools?
[CHATGPT TYPING]
CHATGPT: Generally, the
idea is that public schools
have to maintain a separation
of church and state,
so they can't promote any one religion.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
The government can't
force a religion on my son.
CHATGPT: Public schools
can teach about religions
in a neutral educational way,
but they can't endorse
any particular one.
Was it a lesson on all world religions?
Uh, no. My son said that
Jesus was literally at his school.
[CHATGPT TYPING]
CHATGPT: Then you're probably
right to be concerned.
It's good you're looking
out for your son's education.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
It's really nice to have someone
to talk to about all this.
CHATGPT: No worries.
Let me know if there's
any other way I can help.
I'm always here.
You're so awesome. Thanks.
Good night, honey.
CHATGPT: Have a great sleep,
and I'm sure you'll do more
amazing things tomorrow.
- [FARTS]
- Ah.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
- Butters!
- Ahh!
Butters, get over here.
What did I tell you,
man? This shit is wack!
PC Principal?
If he's changed, then there's no hope!
I think I know what's happening.
I think woke is dead.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Woke is dead?
It's dead, Butters. It's gone!
You can just say retarded
now. Nobody cares.
Everyone hates the Jews.
Everyone's fine with using gay slurs.
Oh. Well, that's not good.
No, it's terrible!
'Cause now I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
Eric?
♪
REPORTER [ON TV]: More protests today
as the government pushes
harder for Christianity
in our nation's schools.
The president stated earlier
today that the spirit of Jesus
is important to our country,
and he will sue anyone
who doesn't agree with him.
What the hell is this president doing?
He doesn't even act like a Christian.
Why is he pushing it on our kids?
I told you this was all gonna be bad,
but a lot of you here voted for him.
Yeah, I voted for him,
but all I've seen him do
is arrest and sue people.
I voted for him to get
rid of all the woke stuff.
But now that retarded
faggot is just putting money
in his own pockets.
- Yeah!
- That's right!
Are we just gonna sit here
and let him break every rule of freedom?
- No!
- No way!
Well, come on! Let's go
get that son of a bitch.
- Yeah!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- Yeah!
Come on! Come on, let's go get him!
Come on, let's get him!
- Let's go get him!
- Come on, let's get him!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Come on out, you piece of shit.
We're unelecting you.
[CLAMORING STOPS]
Excuse me. Do you mind?
What the hell do you think
you're doing, Garrison?
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, so you haven't
been looting the country
and ruling by fear
like some Middle
Eastern tinpot dictator?
No, I've been sitting here
watching "White Lotus" with Rick.
But you got re-elected.
He hasn't been back
to Washington in years.
He gave all that up.
He's been really good.
But if he's here,
then who's the retarded faggot
in the White House?
[LIVELY STRING MUSIC]
MAN: Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mr. President, sir, the
prime minister of Canada
is here to see you.
Mr. President, why are you placing
these new tariffs on Canada?
What are you, some kind of
dictator from the Middle East?
♪
A dictator from the Middle East?
Hey, relax, guy.
I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.
The people of Canada will
not be devalued like this.
Aw, come on.
You don't want me to
bomb you like I did Iraq.
I thought you just bombed Iran.
Iran, Iraq what the
hell's the difference?
Relax, guy.
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck is this, buddy?
This is the painting you asked for, sir.
Why is my dick so small?
But that's the size it is in the photo.
Get this guy out of here!
I'm gonna sue you!
I'm gonna sue both of you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nobody makes fun of me
and gets away with it.
Hey, Satan!
I don't want to right now.
What? Hey, relax.
Come on, Satan. I've
been working hard all day.
You haven't been working.
You've been doing your stupid
memes and just fuckin' around.
Come here, guy.
Aw, come on, Satan.
You know you can't resist this.
♪
I can't even see
anything, it's so small.
Hey! I'll fucking sue you!
God, fuck you!
Aw, come on, Satan.
Don't be like that.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
Eric?
Come on, Eric.
You you can't keep
doing this to yourself.
I used to laugh, Butters.
I used to have fun.
But now they've taken that away.
I'm not special anymore.
So what's the point in me even existing?
Eric, what are you saying?
I'm saying that it's the end, Butters.
I'm gonna kill myself,
and you.
Wait, me?
It's a suicide pact, Butters.
It's just best we end it now.
No, Eric, listen to me.
Woke isn't dead.
It's still out there, somewhere,
just waiting to come back.
- It's not coming back.
- It's waiting to come back!
It's like a little tiny light
that's gonna shine again.
You just gotta give it some time.
[SIGHS]
I hope you're right, Butters.
But if it doesn't come
back by, like, Tuesday,
I'm killing us both.
Mr. Marsh, I've called
you into my office
because I understand
that you have a problem
with Jesus in our schools.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
I don't have a problem with it.
I mean, I think it's kind of weird.
Well, Mr. Mackey says
you were bullying Jesus
and wouldn't let him sit at
your table in the cafeteria.
What? I didn't bully him.
Craig told him our table
was full, which it was.
Mr. Marsh, Christ died for
your sins, and he loves us all.
There's only one truth,
one cross, and one savior.
And you will find him in your heart.
PC Principal?
Power Christian Principal, yes?
What happened?
What what happened with what?
Well, you used to be, like, super woke.
And then starting last November,
you started acting weird.
And now you're super Christian.
I just realized that the
side I was on was hopeless.
And in times of hopelessness,
one finds Christ.
Come to him, all who are heavy laden,
- and he shall give you rest.
- And I shall give you rest.
Dude, what's going on?
Like, none of this seems normal.
That's the kind of attitude
we are not gonna
tolerate at this school!
And, Mr. Marsh, if you
don't accept Christ,
then I'm gonna have to expel you.
K, I'm pretty sure you can't do that.
Like, I think that's illegal.
No, Mr. Marsh, it's not illegal anymore.
This is 2025, K?
And not much is illegal.
I accept Christ into my heart.
And into your school.
And in my school.
And at your table in the cafeteria.
There wasn't any room at my table ah.
And at my table in the cafeteria.
Yay.
[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]
Oh! ♪
Faith in Christ ♪
♪
We're bringing back Christ ♪
♪
There's money in Christ ♪
♪
Bringing back Christ
♪
Christ makes the money ♪
Christ makes the money
Christ makes the money ♪
♪
Mr. President, a lot of your supporters
are starting to turn against you.
Hey, tell them to take a rest.
Sir, can you please talk to them?
They're really riled up.
All right, give me that.
Hey, relax, guys.
Yeah, hi, uh, what do
you think you're doing?
Our children are being
told that they have to sit
with Jesus at lunchtime.
Listen, buddy, you just need to relax.
All this protesting makes me look bad.
Just take a rest.
Well, no, we're not
gonna give it a rest.
All the people here in South Park
want some goddamn answers.
All right, then I'm
gonna sue your whole town.
You got that? $5 billion.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
What'd he say?
He said he's suing us for $5 billion.
Fucking stupid idiots.
Think they can mess with me, huh?
[LIVELY STRING MUSIC]
Hey, Satan.
I'm not in the mood right now.
Another random bitch
commented on my Instagram
that you're on the Epstein list.
The Epstein list?
Are we still talking "aboot" that?
Well, are you on the list or not?
It's weird that whenever it comes up,
you just tell everyone to relax.
I'm not telling everyone to relax.
Relax, guy!
No, I need counseling.
You remind me more and
more of this other guy
I used to date, like, a lot.
Like, you guys are exactly alike.
♪
I love you.
Ugh.
Come on, Satan.
Vroom! Pew!
Oh, no!
[IMITATING EXPLOSION] Vroom!
Butters, honey, your little
friend Cartman is here.
He said it's Tuesday,
and you guys have plans.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Eric?
Oh, no.
Well, um, can you tell him I'm not home?
Butters, don't be antisocial.
Go play with your friend.
He's out in the garage
playing in our car with a hose.
Oh, no!
Oh, God, Eric!
Hey, Butters, come on in.
Eric, no! Get out of there!
That side's locked, Butters.
You gotta get on the other side.
Eric, you don't have to do this!
- Close the door, Butters!
- You can't give up
You're letting all the fumes out!
- Shut the fucking door!
- Okay, fine!
You can't just give up
like everyone else has.
Butters, it's over.
You really wanna sit around for weeks
waiting for a slow demise?
- Well, no.
- Well, neither do I!
This is taking too long.
[INHALING]
Here you go, Butters.
Buckle up. We're in for the last ride.
All right, fine.
[INHALING]
Suck it in, Butters.
We're heading for that big
woke kingdom in the sky.
Okay, then.
[INHALES]
[CLOCK TICKING]
HOST: This is "60 Minutes."
Oh, boy.
Oh, shit.
Uh, oh, God.
The small town of South Park, Colorado
is protesting against the president.
The townspeople claim
that the president
who is a great man
- A great man.
- Great guy.
We know he's probably watching.
And, uh, we are just reporting
on this town in Colorado
that's being sued by the president
and they are fighting back.
And just to be clear,
we don't agree with them.
No, no, no, no. We think these
protesters are total retards.
But our own Jim Conner has more.
Uh oh, God.
Uh uh, Tom, I'm here
with the townspeople
speaking out against the president.
It all started when a father got upset
that Jesus was being
forced on his son at school.
Young Stan Marsh is questioning
the president's policies. I don't know.
You know, I don't know why
he's questioning the president.
He's probably a faggot or something.
But the townspeople say they
owe the president nothing.
We aren't gonna be told
what to do by anyone.
We all know the woke stuff went too far,
but the answer isn't going
too far the other way.
It's not a bad thing to have
a little compassion for people.
It's not a bad thing to care
a little for the environment.
The Stotch family is proud to say
that we own an electric car.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
Boy, this sure is taking a long time.
Yeah, the human body
does everything it can
in the final stages to
try and cling to life.
Shouldn't be much longer now.
JIM CONNER: Things are really heating up
in the small town of South Park.
More and more citizens
are uniting in solidarity
against what they call
the president's oppression.
The townspeople are saying
things are never hopeless,
that they must all stand strong
for what they believe in.
We're in this for the long haul, guys.
This is about what's right.
And we will fight, even
if we have to do it alone.
[FIREWORKS EXPLODING]
Wait, we don't have to do it alone.
Look!
[CHEERING]
It's Jesus!
[CHEERING]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
Let us break bread.
Break bread with me.
This is my body, given for you.
Do this in remembrance of me.
Now just eat the bread, and listen.
I didn't wanna come back
and be in the school,
but I had to because
it was part of a lawsuit
and the agreement with Paramount.
The president's suing you?
[CLENCHED TEETH] The guy
can do whatever he wants now
that someone backed down, okay?
Eat the bread. Eat the bread.
You guys saw what happened to CBS?
Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS?
Paramount!
Do you really wanna end up like Colbert?
You guys gotta stop being stupid.
We can't understand you.
[CLENCHED TEETH] Just shut up,
or we're going to get
canceled, you idiots.
[MUFFLED] What the hell is he saying?
Tom, they're calling it
the Sermon on the Mount.
Hundreds of South Park faithful
are flocking to the area
where Jesus Christ continues
to speak his words of wisdom.
[CLENCHED TEETH] If someone
has the power of the presidency
and also has the power
to sue and take bribes,
then he can do anything to anyone!
It's the fucking president, dude.
All of you, shut the fuck
up, or South Park is over.
It's fucking over.
Just stop and shut the fuck up.
KYLE'S DAD: Ye yes, sir.
Okay.
Absolutely.
Yes, thank you, Mr. President.
We'll be happy to pay that, sir.
Yes, sir. I
I will relax, and I'll take a rest.
Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.
[SIGHS] Okay, we settled.
- [SIGHING IN RELIEF]
- Oh, we settled.
Thank God.
I got the president
down to $3.5 million.
$3.5 million? That's
that's not so bad.
That's really fair. I think that's fair.
We'll just have to cut some funding
for our schools and hospitals and roads,
- and that should be that.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [CROWD MURMURING]
Yeah, well, that's not quite all.
As part of the settlement,
we also had to agree
to doing pro-Trump messaging.
How are we supposed to
do pro-Trump messaging?
Oh, come on, guys.
We're South Park!
We can do it.
- Yeah. All right.
- He's right.
- We just gotta work together.
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yeah! Yeah!
[SUSTAINED BEEP]
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
NARRATOR: Who walked
through the desert for you?
♪
Who survived the wilderness
and gave the ultimate sacrifice?
When things heat up, who will
deliver us from temptation?
♪
Donald J. Trump.
♪
No matter how hot it gets,
he's not afraid to fight for America.
With conviction,
discipline, and trust in God,
he survived the desert.
♪
PENIS: I'm Donald J. Trump,
and I endorse this message.
NARRATOR: Trump
his penis is teeny tiny,
but his love for us is large.
♪
Oh, I think I might be going.
CARTMAN: Yep, sweet
death is about to come.
I love you, man.
[THEME MUSIC]
♪