South Park s27e02 Episode Script
Got a Nut
1
MTV ♪
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ANGELIC TONES]
He's gone too far this time, dude.
The stuff he's saying about
Jews is out of control.
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him
when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that
all women are whores,
and the only thing we're
good at is murdering babies.
Look, guys, just leave it alone.
Don't give him any more attention.
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of
the multitudes of groups
he's spewing his stupid shit about.
Hey, guys. Who are you talking about?
BOTH: Clyde.
- Clyde?
- Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
BEBE: Hey, here he comes.
[KIDS BOOING]
Whatever, guys.
Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
You don't know a thing
about the Jewish people.
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.
Well, that sounds like a very
female and Jew thing to say.
If you guys don't like it,
why don't you come
debate me on my podcast?
We're not indulging your stupid podcast.
Yeah, screw you, fat ass.
Wha what?
MR. MACKEY: Now, as your counselor,
I want to try and
understand why you're doing
all these bad things you're doing.
The other students are
very upset at this podcast.
And what makes you think you got to say
all this stuff, Clyde?
Hey, I'm just trying
to make my nut, man.
Y-your nut?
Yeah, you know, kids
have it tough these days.
We got Xbox subscriptions,
PS5, Steam subscriptions,
Netflix, HBO, you
want to order DoorDash.
My nut's about 60 bucks a week.
So you know, as a kid,
if you could do a podcast,
say some really divisive shit,
then you could make your nut.
Well, Clyde, there's
more important things
than a nut, mkay?
Like what?
Well, like being nice, mkay,
making people smile, helping people out.
- That's why I became a counselor.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
Yes?
Mr. Mackey, I need
you to pack your stuff.
You've been fired, bud.
W-what?
Government's doing away with
needless spending in schools.
Get your things. Last
paycheck's up front.
What are you talking about?
Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.
Power Christian Principle, yes.
I've worked here for 26 years.
We appreciate your
service to this school,
but the government's cutting
back on unnecessary expenses.
Well, what's more important
than a school counselor?
Schools have one counselor now,
and he is the greatest
counselor that ever lived.
Thanks for everything.
Now, pack your shit.
But
what about my nut?
ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome
to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."
Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.
You can't trust Jews,
white people are the underprivileged,
and women belong at home.
I'd like to welcome our first guest
to the debate, Eric Cartman.
What the hell do you
think you're doing, Clyde?
We're here speaking
the truth about the Jews
and the underprivileged white class
That's my shtick.
Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.
I don't know about stealing ideas,
but I do know about some
amazing supplement powders
- that are an absolute steal
- Supplement powders?
HE-MAN supplement powders
can really help you
- bulk up and get
- Are you fucking serious?
People are sponsoring
you for ripping me off?
And it's really just the
best way to get ripped quick.
So be sure to get some.
And also, be sure to hashtag
#RespectClydesAuthority.
What?
So after losing my job, I realized
I really better get a handle
on how much I spend a month.
Yes, Mr. Mackey.
Looking over your portfolio here,
it appears you've got
about an $8,000 a month nut.
$8,000 a month?
I had no idea my nut was that big.
Now, we could get you a
debt consolidation loan,
cancel your streaming services,
downgrade your phone subscription,
do a second mortgage on your house,
and your nut's still $8,000
a month.
But I don't have anything, mkay?
I can't find a job.
Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, there are other
career opportunities.
Have you considered
a job with the I-C-E?
Help your country round
up undocumented immigrants.
ICE?
I'm a counselor.
I help people.
I would never work for ICE.
I understand you have
to have your principles.
It's just they are offering new recruits
about a $100,000 salary.
Say say what now?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Are you
looking for a new career?
Why not join the I-C-E?
We have jobs available now
with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.
Signing bonus?
We don't ask for experience ♪
Just show up ♪
We don't care if you've
read a book or grown up ♪
If you're crazy or fat and lazy ♪
We don't care at all ♪
[MUFFLED] I'm proud
to work for the I-C-E.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement ♪
If you need a job ♪
It's a job ♪
To have ♪
ANNOUNCER: And now, watch as
Clyde Donovan totally destroys
these woke liberal students.
Welcome to the channel, guys.
Looks like a lot of whiny
babies have a problem
with what I say, so prove me wrong.
Uh, Hey, Clyde.
Um, you said nothing good
ever came from the Jews.
But if that's true,
why are bagels so yummy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Well, you've obviously
been taught by the Jews
to have a problem with this
school and with America.
So let me ask you this what
is your definition of a woman?
Wait, now, what?
What is a woman? It's
a very simple question.
Well, a woman is a lady friend
who, you know, gives you kisses.
You see, you can't answer the question.
But something is male or it is female.
Both science and
scripture agree to that.
And that's just the truth. Next.
ANNOUNCER: Another woke
student totally destroyed.
Oh, jeez.
Did you call the girls' soccer team
a Marxist indoctrination factory?
That is correct.
We actually beat the
boys 4 to 0, you know.
You can whine about American
oppression all you want,
but you're using an iPhone
made by the free market
to complain about a
system that gave it to you.
Girls have it way easy in America,
and that's just the truth.
ANNOUNCER: Woke student totally pwned.
Women have it good in America,
just like Black people do.
Black people have
everything handed to them
Motherfucker!
[BLOWS LANDING]
I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.
If anyone around here is
gonna be a master debater,
it's me. So let's go.
Who wants to debate the master debater?
Let's go. You right there.
That's the stupidest
haircut I've ever seen.
You are wrong.
Leviticus 3:17 says it
shall be a perpetual statute
for your generations
throughout all your dwellings.
So you can shut up, Bebe.
You just hate America
and you love abortions.
Mr. Mackey?
Uh, yes, r-right here.
[MUFFLED] Have a seat, sir.
What makes you want to work
for immigration enforcement?
Uh, well,
you see, I got a nut.
All right, you're hired.
Take this to the next station
for your physical and orientation video.
Well, th-that's it?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You will now watch an orientation video
featuring the Director
of Homeland Security.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]
♪
Welcome to the team, recruits.
I'm Kristi Noem, Head
of Homeland Security.
Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.
A few years ago, I had
to put my puppy down
by shooting it in the face,
because sometimes doing what's important
means doing what's hard.
[SIRENS WHOOP]
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPS]
Whoa. Whoa.
KRISTI NOEM: Now, we'll ask
the same determination of you.
Because detaining and questioning people
is never easy.
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
Oh, God!
As the face of Homeland Security,
I'll be leading the way.
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
And together, we'll make sure
everyone is in this country legally.
[POWER TOOLS WHIRRING]
So let's get out there
and get 'em, recruits.
Together, we can make it happen.
We hope you enjoyed the presentation.
Please step through to the
vehicles for your first raid.
Keep your hands and feet
inside the vehicle at all times.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Lock and load, recruits!
Prepare to raid!
Mmm-kay.
CARTMAN: Watch as
Eric Cartman shuts down
these woke liberal students.
Oh, my God.
What makes you think you have the right
to say what I do with my body?
Let me ask you something.
If a pregnant woman is
killed and the baby dies too,
why is the killer charged
with a double homicide?
Well, b because people
have different beliefs.
It's not about belief. It's about truth.
Science confirms life
begins at conception.
So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5
says, before I formed you
in the womb, I knew you. But
it's just morality that demands
we protect the most vulnerable.
So let me ask you when
do you think life begins?
Eric, are you all right in there?
CARTMAN: Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.
I'm just in here master debating.
Well, Eric, that's enough.
Let's get out of the bathroom.
CARTMAN: I can't, Mom. I'm master
debating to these young college girls.
That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.
CARTMAN: Mom, I finally got
sponsored by a protein powder,
so I gotta master debate
for a couple more hours.
Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.
[SIRENS WAILING]
All right, recruits. This is it.
We're heading to a location
that might be filled with illegals.
Let's take these bad hombres down.
[KIDS CHEERING]
DORA: Backpack.
Backpack.
Backpack. Backpack.
[SIRENS WAILING]
I'm the map, I'm the map ♪
I'm the map, he's the map ♪
He's the map, I'm the map ♪
OFFICER: Freeze!
[CLAMORING]
Oh, God. Mkay.
[KIDS SCREAMING]
We're just here for questioning.
Cooperate, and nothing bad holy shit.
[GUNFIRE]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
Look, I'm really sorry about this.
It's just, I got a
monthly nut, you know?
I gotta make my nut.
[DOOR SLAMS]
You did a good job in there, soldier.
Mkay. Thank you, Captain.
I know it's tough doing what's hard,
but we could use more men
like you in the [MUTTERING]
Whoa, what the fuck?
MAN: Your Botox, Ms. Noem.
Oh, yeah. Fix me up.
Fix me up.
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Another day doing what's tough.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
CARTMAN: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But a body growing inside a
woman's body is not her body.
It's a completely separate fetus
Eric, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, mom.
You told me to go to sleep, but
I started masterdebating again.
This is really getting
to be a problem, Eric.
Mom, you don't understand.
I'm getting really good at this.
I have my arguments down rock solid.
These young college girls
are totally unprepared,
so I can just destroy them
and also edit out all the ones
that actually argue back well.
It just feels so good.
I understand it feels good,
but that doesn't mean
you do it all the time.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
Put the computer away
and leave those poor
college girls alone.
Okay.
I won't master debate anymore tonight.
Look, look, you can call
it reproductive rights.
But be honest, if a baby could speak,
it would fight for its right to live.
- Eric Cartman!
- I'm sorry, Mom!
[SHOUTING]
Tom, another protest today,
as thousands turned out
in downtown Denver
to voice their outrage
against the I-C-E.
This is just out of control.
A lot of the people being
targeted in these raids
are kind, hard-working,
deeply faithful people
who care for their families.
I have no doubt that there are
many, many Latinos in heaven.
[ANGELIC SINGING]
♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, this is bad.
Mkay?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Remember, only detain the brown ones.
If it's brown, it goes down.
Jesus, look out!
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
There's another one flying over here.
Catch him! Catch him!
I just need to ask you some questions,
mkay, make sure you're legal.
How did you get into heaven?
Um, I was really nice to people,
and I helped various charities.
Look, I'm really sorry about this,
but I'm just trying to make my nut.
Mackey, I need a word.
Yes, Captain?
You did another great
job out there, Mackey.
I like your style.
Oh. Thank you.
The President's handing out bonuses
to recruits that stand out.
And I'm going to recommend you
for the next set of
bonuses that [MUTTERING]
- Ah!
- [SQUEALING]
MAN: Grab it!
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
No more brownies in heaven.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Hello and
welcome to the third annual
Charlie Kirk Award for
Young Masterdebaters.
More and more young people today
are learning to fight for America
through masterdebation.
We're here to honor the recent
efforts of a brave young man
who has been furiously masterdebating
for the past several
days and has won himself
not only this trophy, but also
an all expenses paid vacation
to a beautiful five-star resort.
[APPLAUSE]
He has proven himself the true champion.
Please welcome the
best young masterdebater
of our time, Clyde Donovan.
Clyde?
[APPLAUSE]
No! That's my trip
to a five-star resort!
Come on, Eric. Let's go.
Thanks, everyone.
The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.
And, I don't know, lesbians
are an abomination of God.
[APPLAUSE]
You all stole my schtick!
Clyde!
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Okay.
We got some of your pay stubs in.
Let's see how that nut's looking.
Well, seems you got some bonuses
for rounding up the most Mexicans.
Shh.
We don't round up Mexicans, okay?
We just detain foreigners
who might be illegal.
Okay.
Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,
it looks like you've got about
$10 grand a month to spend.
- Oh, I do?
- Yes.
And your nut's up to
about $12 grand a month.
What?
But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.
Right. But you got a good-paying job.
You see, as you make more money,
your nut actually gets bigger.
- How is that possible?
- It's all right.
If you can just get a few more bonuses,
we can refinance the house, divide that
by the number of Mexicans
you detained, and, of course,
compound any Costa Ricans
you might incur to the
- [GUNS COCKING]
- ICE AGENT 1: Freeze!
ICE AGENT 2: Nobody move!
Here he is over here.
Come on, Mackey. Need
to talk to you outside.
Talk to me? About what?
What's this all about?
Congratulations, recruit.
I talked to the president
about your accomplishments,
and he says he wants to
help you with your nut.
Really?
- He does?
- That's right.
We have orders to get you on a plane.
The President wants to
thank you personally.
Congratulations.
He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.
Mar-a-Lago?
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING]
Oh, wow.
♪
[GIGGLING]
Relax! Take a load off!
Boss, the plane is here
from Immigration and
Customs Enforcement.
I know, stupid. Let's go.
[GIGGLING]
Hey, buddy.
Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.
Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
What is his fantasy, boss?
Will you get out of here?
Listen, buddy, I want to offer you
an incredible opportunity.
How would you like to make more money
than you ever thought possible?
Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.
Now, that's the kind of talk I like.
Mar-a-Lago's for
everyone that's got a nut.
I'm giving you a promotion.
You'll have access to all
that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.
I want to make you the new
face of Homeland Security.
But, Mr. President,
I thought Kristi Noem
was the head of Homeland Security.
Well, she was, but
her face freaks me out.
So what do you say?
Well, I do need a high-paying job.
Excellent.
Now, let's take care
of that nut for you.
Hey, Satan.
Meet the new face of Homeland Security.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
I just want to go.
This place is gross.
Would you like me to apply the baby oil
to Satan's asshole, boss?
Okay, look, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
I'm going to take a little break here.
Hey, come on.
Relax, guy.
[YELPING]
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
[SNIFFLING] Backpack, backpack.
Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.
Excuse me.
Clyde?
Not right now, sir.
I've kind of had enough.
What are you doing here young man?
Just trying to make my nut, sir.
Didn't really want all this.
Oh, well, young man
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
♪
I kind of know what
you're going through, mkay?
I know we all have a lot of pressures
and we all want nice
things, mkay, but
but if you're doing something
you don't really believe in
just to make your nut,
you're going to find
that you just get sadder
and your nut just gets bigger.
Mkay?
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
But who are you?
I'm a goddamn counselor.
That's what I am.
This place isn't right for either of us.
There's got to be someone
that can help get us out.
[HEROIC MUSIC]
♪
- [GUNSHOT]
- [DOG YELPS]
All right. Got him.
Hey, Kristi, what's going on?
Trying to replace me
as the face of Homeland Security, huh?
Hey, relax, guy.
Who could replace a face like that?
Think I can't handle
myself 'cause I'm a lady
with good looks that drive men wild?
[EVERYONE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKING]
[SCREAMS]
Come on. We're getting out of here.
You too, come on.
ICE AGENT: We got it. We got it.
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Another job well done.
ALL: Loo loo loo,
loo loo loo loo loo ♪
Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪
[BELL DINGS]
[GUNFIRE]
[DOGS YELPING REPEATEDLY]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [GUNFIRE]
- [DOG YELPS]
MTV ♪
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ANGELIC TONES]
He's gone too far this time, dude.
The stuff he's saying about
Jews is out of control.
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him
when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that
all women are whores,
and the only thing we're
good at is murdering babies.
Look, guys, just leave it alone.
Don't give him any more attention.
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of
the multitudes of groups
he's spewing his stupid shit about.
Hey, guys. Who are you talking about?
BOTH: Clyde.
- Clyde?
- Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
BEBE: Hey, here he comes.
[KIDS BOOING]
Whatever, guys.
Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
You don't know a thing
about the Jewish people.
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.
Well, that sounds like a very
female and Jew thing to say.
If you guys don't like it,
why don't you come
debate me on my podcast?
We're not indulging your stupid podcast.
Yeah, screw you, fat ass.
Wha what?
MR. MACKEY: Now, as your counselor,
I want to try and
understand why you're doing
all these bad things you're doing.
The other students are
very upset at this podcast.
And what makes you think you got to say
all this stuff, Clyde?
Hey, I'm just trying
to make my nut, man.
Y-your nut?
Yeah, you know, kids
have it tough these days.
We got Xbox subscriptions,
PS5, Steam subscriptions,
Netflix, HBO, you
want to order DoorDash.
My nut's about 60 bucks a week.
So you know, as a kid,
if you could do a podcast,
say some really divisive shit,
then you could make your nut.
Well, Clyde, there's
more important things
than a nut, mkay?
Like what?
Well, like being nice, mkay,
making people smile, helping people out.
- That's why I became a counselor.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
Yes?
Mr. Mackey, I need
you to pack your stuff.
You've been fired, bud.
W-what?
Government's doing away with
needless spending in schools.
Get your things. Last
paycheck's up front.
What are you talking about?
Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.
Power Christian Principle, yes.
I've worked here for 26 years.
We appreciate your
service to this school,
but the government's cutting
back on unnecessary expenses.
Well, what's more important
than a school counselor?
Schools have one counselor now,
and he is the greatest
counselor that ever lived.
Thanks for everything.
Now, pack your shit.
But
what about my nut?
ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome
to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."
Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.
You can't trust Jews,
white people are the underprivileged,
and women belong at home.
I'd like to welcome our first guest
to the debate, Eric Cartman.
What the hell do you
think you're doing, Clyde?
We're here speaking
the truth about the Jews
and the underprivileged white class
That's my shtick.
Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.
I don't know about stealing ideas,
but I do know about some
amazing supplement powders
- that are an absolute steal
- Supplement powders?
HE-MAN supplement powders
can really help you
- bulk up and get
- Are you fucking serious?
People are sponsoring
you for ripping me off?
And it's really just the
best way to get ripped quick.
So be sure to get some.
And also, be sure to hashtag
#RespectClydesAuthority.
What?
So after losing my job, I realized
I really better get a handle
on how much I spend a month.
Yes, Mr. Mackey.
Looking over your portfolio here,
it appears you've got
about an $8,000 a month nut.
$8,000 a month?
I had no idea my nut was that big.
Now, we could get you a
debt consolidation loan,
cancel your streaming services,
downgrade your phone subscription,
do a second mortgage on your house,
and your nut's still $8,000
a month.
But I don't have anything, mkay?
I can't find a job.
Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, there are other
career opportunities.
Have you considered
a job with the I-C-E?
Help your country round
up undocumented immigrants.
ICE?
I'm a counselor.
I help people.
I would never work for ICE.
I understand you have
to have your principles.
It's just they are offering new recruits
about a $100,000 salary.
Say say what now?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Are you
looking for a new career?
Why not join the I-C-E?
We have jobs available now
with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.
Signing bonus?
We don't ask for experience ♪
Just show up ♪
We don't care if you've
read a book or grown up ♪
If you're crazy or fat and lazy ♪
We don't care at all ♪
[MUFFLED] I'm proud
to work for the I-C-E.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement ♪
If you need a job ♪
It's a job ♪
To have ♪
ANNOUNCER: And now, watch as
Clyde Donovan totally destroys
these woke liberal students.
Welcome to the channel, guys.
Looks like a lot of whiny
babies have a problem
with what I say, so prove me wrong.
Uh, Hey, Clyde.
Um, you said nothing good
ever came from the Jews.
But if that's true,
why are bagels so yummy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Well, you've obviously
been taught by the Jews
to have a problem with this
school and with America.
So let me ask you this what
is your definition of a woman?
Wait, now, what?
What is a woman? It's
a very simple question.
Well, a woman is a lady friend
who, you know, gives you kisses.
You see, you can't answer the question.
But something is male or it is female.
Both science and
scripture agree to that.
And that's just the truth. Next.
ANNOUNCER: Another woke
student totally destroyed.
Oh, jeez.
Did you call the girls' soccer team
a Marxist indoctrination factory?
That is correct.
We actually beat the
boys 4 to 0, you know.
You can whine about American
oppression all you want,
but you're using an iPhone
made by the free market
to complain about a
system that gave it to you.
Girls have it way easy in America,
and that's just the truth.
ANNOUNCER: Woke student totally pwned.
Women have it good in America,
just like Black people do.
Black people have
everything handed to them
Motherfucker!
[BLOWS LANDING]
I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.
If anyone around here is
gonna be a master debater,
it's me. So let's go.
Who wants to debate the master debater?
Let's go. You right there.
That's the stupidest
haircut I've ever seen.
You are wrong.
Leviticus 3:17 says it
shall be a perpetual statute
for your generations
throughout all your dwellings.
So you can shut up, Bebe.
You just hate America
and you love abortions.
Mr. Mackey?
Uh, yes, r-right here.
[MUFFLED] Have a seat, sir.
What makes you want to work
for immigration enforcement?
Uh, well,
you see, I got a nut.
All right, you're hired.
Take this to the next station
for your physical and orientation video.
Well, th-that's it?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You will now watch an orientation video
featuring the Director
of Homeland Security.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]
♪
Welcome to the team, recruits.
I'm Kristi Noem, Head
of Homeland Security.
Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.
A few years ago, I had
to put my puppy down
by shooting it in the face,
because sometimes doing what's important
means doing what's hard.
[SIRENS WHOOP]
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPS]
Whoa. Whoa.
KRISTI NOEM: Now, we'll ask
the same determination of you.
Because detaining and questioning people
is never easy.
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
Oh, God!
As the face of Homeland Security,
I'll be leading the way.
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
And together, we'll make sure
everyone is in this country legally.
[POWER TOOLS WHIRRING]
So let's get out there
and get 'em, recruits.
Together, we can make it happen.
We hope you enjoyed the presentation.
Please step through to the
vehicles for your first raid.
Keep your hands and feet
inside the vehicle at all times.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Lock and load, recruits!
Prepare to raid!
Mmm-kay.
CARTMAN: Watch as
Eric Cartman shuts down
these woke liberal students.
Oh, my God.
What makes you think you have the right
to say what I do with my body?
Let me ask you something.
If a pregnant woman is
killed and the baby dies too,
why is the killer charged
with a double homicide?
Well, b because people
have different beliefs.
It's not about belief. It's about truth.
Science confirms life
begins at conception.
So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5
says, before I formed you
in the womb, I knew you. But
it's just morality that demands
we protect the most vulnerable.
So let me ask you when
do you think life begins?
Eric, are you all right in there?
CARTMAN: Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.
I'm just in here master debating.
Well, Eric, that's enough.
Let's get out of the bathroom.
CARTMAN: I can't, Mom. I'm master
debating to these young college girls.
That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.
CARTMAN: Mom, I finally got
sponsored by a protein powder,
so I gotta master debate
for a couple more hours.
Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.
[SIRENS WAILING]
All right, recruits. This is it.
We're heading to a location
that might be filled with illegals.
Let's take these bad hombres down.
[KIDS CHEERING]
DORA: Backpack.
Backpack.
Backpack. Backpack.
[SIRENS WAILING]
I'm the map, I'm the map ♪
I'm the map, he's the map ♪
He's the map, I'm the map ♪
OFFICER: Freeze!
[CLAMORING]
Oh, God. Mkay.
[KIDS SCREAMING]
We're just here for questioning.
Cooperate, and nothing bad holy shit.
[GUNFIRE]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
Look, I'm really sorry about this.
It's just, I got a
monthly nut, you know?
I gotta make my nut.
[DOOR SLAMS]
You did a good job in there, soldier.
Mkay. Thank you, Captain.
I know it's tough doing what's hard,
but we could use more men
like you in the [MUTTERING]
Whoa, what the fuck?
MAN: Your Botox, Ms. Noem.
Oh, yeah. Fix me up.
Fix me up.
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Another day doing what's tough.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
CARTMAN: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But a body growing inside a
woman's body is not her body.
It's a completely separate fetus
Eric, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, mom.
You told me to go to sleep, but
I started masterdebating again.
This is really getting
to be a problem, Eric.
Mom, you don't understand.
I'm getting really good at this.
I have my arguments down rock solid.
These young college girls
are totally unprepared,
so I can just destroy them
and also edit out all the ones
that actually argue back well.
It just feels so good.
I understand it feels good,
but that doesn't mean
you do it all the time.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
Put the computer away
and leave those poor
college girls alone.
Okay.
I won't master debate anymore tonight.
Look, look, you can call
it reproductive rights.
But be honest, if a baby could speak,
it would fight for its right to live.
- Eric Cartman!
- I'm sorry, Mom!
[SHOUTING]
Tom, another protest today,
as thousands turned out
in downtown Denver
to voice their outrage
against the I-C-E.
This is just out of control.
A lot of the people being
targeted in these raids
are kind, hard-working,
deeply faithful people
who care for their families.
I have no doubt that there are
many, many Latinos in heaven.
[ANGELIC SINGING]
♪
[SIRENS WAILING]
Oh, this is bad.
Mkay?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Remember, only detain the brown ones.
If it's brown, it goes down.
Jesus, look out!
[GUNFIRE]
[DOG YELPING]
There's another one flying over here.
Catch him! Catch him!
I just need to ask you some questions,
mkay, make sure you're legal.
How did you get into heaven?
Um, I was really nice to people,
and I helped various charities.
Look, I'm really sorry about this,
but I'm just trying to make my nut.
Mackey, I need a word.
Yes, Captain?
You did another great
job out there, Mackey.
I like your style.
Oh. Thank you.
The President's handing out bonuses
to recruits that stand out.
And I'm going to recommend you
for the next set of
bonuses that [MUTTERING]
- Ah!
- [SQUEALING]
MAN: Grab it!
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
No more brownies in heaven.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Hello and
welcome to the third annual
Charlie Kirk Award for
Young Masterdebaters.
More and more young people today
are learning to fight for America
through masterdebation.
We're here to honor the recent
efforts of a brave young man
who has been furiously masterdebating
for the past several
days and has won himself
not only this trophy, but also
an all expenses paid vacation
to a beautiful five-star resort.
[APPLAUSE]
He has proven himself the true champion.
Please welcome the
best young masterdebater
of our time, Clyde Donovan.
Clyde?
[APPLAUSE]
No! That's my trip
to a five-star resort!
Come on, Eric. Let's go.
Thanks, everyone.
The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.
And, I don't know, lesbians
are an abomination of God.
[APPLAUSE]
You all stole my schtick!
Clyde!
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Okay.
We got some of your pay stubs in.
Let's see how that nut's looking.
Well, seems you got some bonuses
for rounding up the most Mexicans.
Shh.
We don't round up Mexicans, okay?
We just detain foreigners
who might be illegal.
Okay.
Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,
it looks like you've got about
$10 grand a month to spend.
- Oh, I do?
- Yes.
And your nut's up to
about $12 grand a month.
What?
But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.
Right. But you got a good-paying job.
You see, as you make more money,
your nut actually gets bigger.
- How is that possible?
- It's all right.
If you can just get a few more bonuses,
we can refinance the house, divide that
by the number of Mexicans
you detained, and, of course,
compound any Costa Ricans
you might incur to the
- [GUNS COCKING]
- ICE AGENT 1: Freeze!
ICE AGENT 2: Nobody move!
Here he is over here.
Come on, Mackey. Need
to talk to you outside.
Talk to me? About what?
What's this all about?
Congratulations, recruit.
I talked to the president
about your accomplishments,
and he says he wants to
help you with your nut.
Really?
- He does?
- That's right.
We have orders to get you on a plane.
The President wants to
thank you personally.
Congratulations.
He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.
Mar-a-Lago?
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[PLANE ENGINE WHIRRING]
Oh, wow.
♪
[GIGGLING]
Relax! Take a load off!
Boss, the plane is here
from Immigration and
Customs Enforcement.
I know, stupid. Let's go.
[GIGGLING]
Hey, buddy.
Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.
Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
What is his fantasy, boss?
Will you get out of here?
Listen, buddy, I want to offer you
an incredible opportunity.
How would you like to make more money
than you ever thought possible?
Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.
Now, that's the kind of talk I like.
Mar-a-Lago's for
everyone that's got a nut.
I'm giving you a promotion.
You'll have access to all
that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.
I want to make you the new
face of Homeland Security.
But, Mr. President,
I thought Kristi Noem
was the head of Homeland Security.
Well, she was, but
her face freaks me out.
So what do you say?
Well, I do need a high-paying job.
Excellent.
Now, let's take care
of that nut for you.
Hey, Satan.
Meet the new face of Homeland Security.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
I just want to go.
This place is gross.
Would you like me to apply the baby oil
to Satan's asshole, boss?
Okay, look, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
I'm going to take a little break here.
Hey, come on.
Relax, guy.
[YELPING]
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
[SNIFFLING] Backpack, backpack.
Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.
Excuse me.
Clyde?
Not right now, sir.
I've kind of had enough.
What are you doing here young man?
Just trying to make my nut, sir.
Didn't really want all this.
Oh, well, young man
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
♪
I kind of know what
you're going through, mkay?
I know we all have a lot of pressures
and we all want nice
things, mkay, but
but if you're doing something
you don't really believe in
just to make your nut,
you're going to find
that you just get sadder
and your nut just gets bigger.
Mkay?
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
But who are you?
I'm a goddamn counselor.
That's what I am.
This place isn't right for either of us.
There's got to be someone
that can help get us out.
[HEROIC MUSIC]
♪
- [GUNSHOT]
- [DOG YELPS]
All right. Got him.
Hey, Kristi, what's going on?
Trying to replace me
as the face of Homeland Security, huh?
Hey, relax, guy.
Who could replace a face like that?
Think I can't handle
myself 'cause I'm a lady
with good looks that drive men wild?
[EVERYONE SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKING]
[SCREAMS]
Come on. We're getting out of here.
You too, come on.
ICE AGENT: We got it. We got it.
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
Another job well done.
ALL: Loo loo loo,
loo loo loo loo loo ♪
Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪
[BELL DINGS]
[GUNFIRE]
[DOGS YELPING REPEATEDLY]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
- [GUNFIRE]
- [DOG YELPS]