South Park s27e05 Episode Script

1
MTV ♪
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Okay, kids, let's take our seats.
Before we get started, we
have a guest speaker today.
Please give your undivided
attention to Kipling.
Thank you, sir. Hey. What's up, guys?
My name's Kipling.
I'm with the Webelos of America.
I want to talk you guys
about the exciting opportunity
to join the Webelos.
- Is that a chick or a dude?
- Shut up.
I'm sure some of you
were in Scouts before.
Webelos are an extension of Scouts,
specifically for fifth
and sixth graders.
You guys, is that a chick or a dude?
- It's a chick.
- Nah, that's a dude, bro.
- [MUFFLED SPEECH]
- part of it as well.
Now, I know what y'all
might be thinking
Webelos used to be only for boys.
Well, now they also allow girls,
and I myself, as a
Webelo, can tell you
it's a great organization for everyone.
I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure
that was a fucking dude.
I'm definitely betting it's a chick.
What are the odds at?
Looks like about 40 kids betting now,
55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
So I'd only win, like,
five bucks on a $2 bet?
What are you guys talking about?
Prediction market app, dude.
You know, online peer to peer betting.
Yeah, it's social platform betting.
People can make any bet they want,
and then other users take them up on it.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.
People bet on anything, even
stuff here at the school.
See? Will the girls'
soccer team win on Friday?
Will there be a snow day this month?
Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza
and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Will school lunch have
tater tots next week?
Wait, what was that?
Will school lunch have
tater tots next week?
- No, the one about my mom!
- Oh. Uh
Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza
and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Why the hell would my mom
destroy a Palestinian hospital?
'Cause she's a Jew?
JESUS: Boys, put 'em away.
You know the rules no cell
phones during school time.
BOTH: Sorry, Jesus.
[WHISTLE TRILLS]
No phones, guys!
Take that bet down right now, fat ass!
I didn't put it up, Kyle.
I'm not even betting on it.
It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do
it those are terrible odds.
This is such bullshit!
I'm gonna find out who started this
and I'm gonna fucking
rip them a new asshole!
Man, you just bring up Gaza
to a Jew and they flip out.
Maybe these are pretty good odds.
[DYNAMIC NEWS THEME]
ANNOUNCER: You're watching Fox News!
They're called prediction market apps
controversial online betting
that's found a loophole
around normal gambling laws.
And, of course, the number
one trending bet on the apps:
Will President Trump and
Satan's baby be a boy or a girl?
That's right, prediction market apps
are going crazy right now.
On Kalshi, 54% are betting
it's gonna be a boy,
while bettors on
Polymarket are at nearly 60%
the demonic butt baby's gonna be a girl.
Hello, boss.
Another gift for the baby.
Another present for the baby?
What about me?
Everyone is so excited
for the baby, boss.
You must be so excited as well.
Uh, yeah, sure. Real excited.
It is going to completely
change your life, though.
What are you talking about?
Well, when the baby comes,
you will have to give
it all your attention.
No more dinner parties
in the Rose Garden.
No more baseball games.
No more travelling.
No more long nights at Mar-a-Lago.
Oh.
Ooh.
Hey, Satan!
You wanna get in the hot tub
and smoke some cigarettes?
Hot tubs and cigarettes
are really bad for the baby.
Yeah, I know. Let's do it anyway.
Wait, do you want to
get rid of the baby?
I don't think your
followers would be very happy
if we got an abortion.
Hey, relax, guy!
I don't want to get rid of the baby.
Good, 'cause we're not going to.
Great!
Jimmy!
- Oh, hey, Kyle.
- What the hell is this?
That's a prediction market app.
I'm asking why did you bet yes
that my mom would strike Gaza?
Oh, yeah, I put some money on that.
I know it's not very
likely, but I like to bet on
l-longshots.
Why are you betting on it at all?
Israel and Gaza is a
very serious matter.
Oh, I know, Kyle.
I told a joke about Gaza
on a Zoom meeting yesterday
and nobody laughed.
I guess it's not even remotely funny.
Wow. What a terrific audience.
What is wrong with you people?
Do you even know what Gaza is?
Do you seriously just care
about making a couple bucks?
You know what my mom would do
if she found out about this?
She would absolutely lose her shit!
There's been a conflict in
Israel for thousands of years,
and Jews and Palestinians
are not football teams
that you bet on.
Guys, phones.
ALL: Sorry, Jesus.
Kyle, if you think the bet isn't fair,
then you can just take
it up with the company
- that manages the app.
- I can?
Sure thing.
These apps aren't r-run
of the mill, rinkydink.
They're all run by highly professional
strategic advisors.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Yeah, is this the "Strategic
Advisor for Predictive Markets?
Yes, it is.
Well, there's a bet on one of your apps
that's incredible insensitive,
and it needs to be taken down now!
Oh, uh, all our bets are
actually regulated by the CFTC.
You need to talk to them.
What's the CFTC?
It's the Commodity
Futures Trading Commission.
It's the federal government.
They have to approve all bets
and deal with discrepancies.
Fine! I'll call the CFTC then.
So stupid.
Commodity Futures Trading
Commission here we go.
[LINE RINGING]
Hello?
Yeah, I'm calling about
a prediction market bet
that's offensive to Jewish people.
Ooh, that sounds really bad.
If it's offensive, you probably
need to speak with the FCC.
The FCC?
Yeah, they're dealing with
all the offensive stuff now.
Here, let me connect you.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
This is the same fucking guy!
- Who is it?
- Uh, apparently,
there's a really offensive bet on an app
that the government is
sort of in charge of,
and I'm like the strategic advisor.
An offensive government app?
I better go speak with
the president right away.
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
[ROPE BOINGS]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Hey, Satan!
Hey, Satan!
Can you come downstairs?
What do you want?
Just come down the stairs real quick.
For what?
For just real quick.
Oh, there you are, Mr. President!
I need to talk to you.
No, no, no, no! Brendan Carr, don't
Whoa! [GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
The FCC guy must have shitty ankles.
You guys! You guys!
Have you checked out
the betting app lately?
- No.
- Ever since Kyle got
all pissed off, the odds are going up
on his mom attacking Gaza.
- No way.
- Yeah, check it out!
Now 17% of people are
betting she's gonna do it.
We gotta get in on this, guys.
Dude, Kyle's mom isn't
going to strike Gaza.
Yes, exactly. We know that.
And we can also influence Kyle
to get the odds raised even more.
It's called a conflict
of interest, you guys.
It's a way to make free money.
Isn't that illegal?
Yes! All we have to do is make sure
Kyle stays angry,
and at the same time, go talk
antisemitic shit about his mom
to goose the odds up even more.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing. Just talking about
how messed up it is
everyone hates Jews now.
- You think it's messed up?
- Yes, I do, Kyle.
Why would an app allow
a bet like that to exist?
It's obvious race bait.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!
Dude, you might just want to let it go.
See? "Just let it go."
That's how people want
you to deal with a crisis
that they don't even understand.
Yes! Thank you!
You can't give up, Kyle.
It's not cool people would
say this stuff about your mom.
And honestly, if you don't
have her back, who will?
Hey, have you guys
heard about Kyle's mom?
Man, that bitch has it out
for Palestine, let me tell you.
Well, I don't know, I
would just hate to be
a Palestinian hospital,
that's all I can say.
Well, anyway, good to talk to you guys.
Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about
my friend Kyle's mom?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, my goodness, can you
believe all the crazy apps
our kids are on these days?
Ugh! Who can keep track anymore?
Kyle comes to me every
day with a new app
that he just has to have.
I tell him, "That app costs money, Kyle.
"Then it charges you money.
Where you gonna get this money?"
Yeah, you know what'd be nice?
Is an app where you can
actually make some money.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
That'd be great, wouldn't it?
[GIGGLING] Yes, it certainly would.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, Sheila,
how have you been feeling about
the current situation in Gaza?
- What?
- Uh, yeah,
just just thought we'd
sort of take your temperature.
Which way are you thinking
about going with that?
Well, I think it's all horrible.
- A lot of people are dying.
- Uh-huh.
And do you feel like you
need to do anything about it?
What would I do about it?
I mean, probably nothing, right?
You're going to do nothing about it.
Are you implying the Jews in America
have some kind of obligation
to do something about it?
- Whoa, whoa!
- You want to vilify my faith!
- Is that it?
- Sheila, it's okay.
It's not Jews versus Palestine!
It's Israel versus Palestine!
Here we go with the
Palestinian stuff again.
And maybe if you read books
instead of everything
Hollywood actors say,
you'd know the difference!
What are you putting your money on?
I mean, it's a ridiculous bet,
but she seems pretty pissed off.
There's really no money to
be made on betting she won't.
Yeah, let's take the long odds.
That makes these apps more fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
[STATELY MUSIC]
♪
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
♪
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]
♪
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
♪
Hey, Satan!
♪
I made you some soup!
♪
I don't like carrots.
Hey, relax, guy!
Carrots are good for you.
I don't want carrots.
I ordered cheesecake on DoorDash.
Mr. President, I really
need to speak with you.
Not now, Brendan Carr!
Satan won't eat his carrots.
Oh, come on, Satan,
you're eating for two now.
Carrots are good for you, see?
Ah, Brendan Carr, don't do it!
Whoa, this is the best soup ever. I
[GAGGING]
Oh, God!
[FARTING, SCREAMING]
Whoa!
Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[FARTING, SCREAMING]
Wow-wow-wow-wow!
[LAUGHS]
Those carrots must
have been from Erewhon.
SHEILA: Everywhere I went today,
it was the same thing.
What are you going to do about Gaza?
Like us Jews in America have any control
over what's going on in Israel.
Why is everyone suddenly confronting us
about the politics?
Have people been asking what
you think about Gaza, Gerald?
No, for some reason,
they were just asking
- what you think about it.
- You see?
It's just pure antisemitism!
I'm so sick of being grilled
about my views on Palestine
and my thoughts on Hamas!
And being judged for things
that are centuries old
and that non-Jews know nothing about!
Well, if they all think
we should do something
- You stop!
- SHEILA: Then you better believe
I'll do something!
You know, Mom, I'm starting
to think that us Jews
should just lay low for a little bit.
There! Now my son is complacent.
This is one Jewish household
that will not put up with it
- anymore!
- Ma, please.
Don't make things any worse.
Worse? How can it be any worse?
I'm going to find out where
all this is coming from,
and I'm going to give
them a piece of my mind!
No! Ma!
[CAT MEOWS]
Look, boss, another
present for the baby!
[CAT MEOWS]
Another present for the baby? Right!
Isn't it cute, boss?
We must be careful, though,
cats can be very harmful to a pregnancy.
Harmful to a pregnancy?
Well, yes, boss, it's a
parasite called toxoplasmosis.
It can be transferred
from cats to humans
and bring about some complications.
[CAT MEOWS]
- Toxoplasmosis?
- [CAT YOWLS]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
[CATS MEOWING]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
[ALARM BUZZES]
[HUMMING HAPPILY]
Hey, Satan!
Hey, Satan, you gotta come
see this, it's really great.
What?
Ay! I thought you were
napping in our room.
No, I had to go get the ultrasound.
I can't believe you didn't show up.
It really makes me feel like
you don't care about this baby.
Hey, relax, guy, of course
I care about the baby.
Mr. President, I'm
feeling much better
No! Fuck! Brendan Carr!
[MUFFLED GROANING]
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
[CRASHING]
You guys. You guys, I did it.
You did what?
I talked so much shit about the Jews
that I got the odds
on the bet up to 95%.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Yeah, check it out.
I put 1,400 bucks on it last night.
I am locked in.
Where'd you get 1,400 bucks?
I just took my mom's debit card,
entered all the info
into the betting app,
and put all the money she has on it.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Isn't she gonna be pissed off?
Yeah, not when I turn her
1,400 bucks into 14,000.
This is the safest investment ever.
Nothing can possibly go wrong.
JIMMY: Hey, fellas. Fellas!
Fellas, have you seen the news?
Kyle's mom's in Israel.
- Really?
- Oh, wow!
I just put money down!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
Dude, your mom's in Israel.
I know.
Well, you gotta call her.
You gotta calm her down.
I've been trying to call her.
Her phone's not working over there.
Kyle this is no time for weakness.
Whatever your mom is doing,
it is going to make kids
here even more anti-Semitic.
You're totally right.
Damn right, I'm right!
You have to get ahold of your mom
and tell her to calm down, Kyle.
Call the Israeli
government if you have to.
How do I call the Israeli government?
Call a diplomat. Call an embassy.
You just have to talk to
someone who works for Israel.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Oh, you have got to be shitting me!
- What?
- This is the strategic advisor
for predictive market apps.
- Tell him to take the bet down.
- What?
Make him take the bet down, Kyle.
It is anti-Semitic,
and you have to fight
for what you believe in.
I called before about an offensive bet,
and I want that bet
taken down right now!
That's right!
Oh, yes, I believe your complaint
was being reviewed by head of the FCC.
Well, then what's the
head of the FCC doing?
Where the hell is he?
[GROANING]
Mr. Carr? Mr. Carr, can you hear me?
[GROANS]
We understand you're the head
of the FCC, is that correct?
Mm-hmm.
All right, well, I'm very sorry,
but you do appear to have toxoplasmosis
from exposure to cat feces.
Aww!
We need you to get some
rest. Try not to move.
Will the head of the
FCC be okay, Doctor?
His bones are healing,
so he may regain full range of motion.
But if the toxoplasmosis
parasite gets to his brain
I'm afraid he may lose
his freedom of speech.
Oh, no!
We'll do everything we can.
[SINISTER MUSIC]
♪
Mr. Carr, why do you
keep meddling in my plans?
Huh?
I've been trying to convince the boss
to get rid of the baby.
I am next in line to be president.
That baby cannot be born.
And if you continue to interfere,
I will make things
very difficult for you.
[GROANING]
We can do this the easy way,
or we can do it the hard way.
♪
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Uh, yes, is this the
office of the president?
Yes, it is.
I've got a young man
who's saying one of our
predictive market bets
is offensive to Jews?
Ooh, that sounds bad.
Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.
Well, the president isn't here,
but I'm, like, a special advisor,
so I can probably get
the bet taken down.
Ooh, I'm a special advisor too!
Oh, really? That's great.
Can you email me the bet in question?
Yeah, I'm emailing it now.
Oh, yeah, I see it.
Okay, I'll need to approve
with the financial company
backing all the app since the
bet money needs to be returned.
Okay, thanks, I'll
let all the Jews know.
What the hell?
They took it down.
We were all gonna win, and
they took down our bets.
How can the app company do that?
I got in at nine-to-one odds.
This is b-b-bullshit!
Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Guys! For the love of God!
[LAUGHTER]
Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks.
You know, it's crazy,
but nobody else here
gave a crap about how I
was feeling except for you.
Oh, that's all right, Kyle.
I'm just happy the bet got taken down.
Now none of these sickos can profit
off of what your mom does.
Yeah, well, those people
would have all lost the bet anyway.
What do you mean they
would have all lost the bet?
Well, I know the reason
my mom went Israel.
It wasn't to bomb a
Palestinian hospital?
No, when my mom left the house,
she said she was gonna find
the person responsible for all this
and give them a piece of her mind.
KYLE'S MOM [MUFFLED]: You are
not going to talk to me like that!
I am extremely upset,
and I am not leaving
until I have said my piece!
There you are, Mr. Netanyahu!
Just who do you think you are,
killing thousands and
flattening neighborhoods,
then wrapping yourself in Judaism
like it's some shield from criticism?
You're making life for Jews miserable
and life for American Jews impossible!
Oh, don't you roll
your eyes at me, mister.
You know what you're doing,
and you're doing it on purpose!
Well, now you can
just sit in that chair,
'cause I'm not going anywhere, buster!
I've been to every PTA meeting,
every school board meeting,
and I can go all day!