South Park s28e04 Episode Script
Turkey Trot
1
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[TWANGY MUSIC]
All right, people, it's
almost Thanksgiving,
and that means the annual
Turkey Trot is nearly upon us.
How is it that we
haven't found one sponsor
to help pay for this event?
South Park's just fallen
on hard times, Mayor.
Nobody's got the money.
Tegridy Farms used to be a
sponsor of the Turkey Trot,
but as you know, we've
recently all lost Tegridy.
So I'm afraid we just can't help.
What about the City Asian Pop Up Store?
Can't they help sponsor
this year's race?
How City Asian Pop Up
pay for Turkey Trot?
We gotta pay tariff!
We more fucked than anybody!
Let's just face it, Mayor,
South Park businesses
are dying and a lot of good
people have lost their jobs.
Trash? Anybody got trash?
Oh, yeah, here's some. Bank shot!
There has to be a solution, people.
The Turkey Trot is the one time of year
this town comes together as a community.
We all need it now, more than ever.
Well, of course, there is someone
who'd be willing to give
South Park a bunch of money.
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
I mean, they're giving
money to everyone else.
Why not us?
[MUSIC ENDS]
My God.
That's it!
ANNOUNCER: This Thanksgiving morning,
lace up for holiday fun and tradition.
It's the 28th annual
South Park Turkey Trot.
Sponsored by
Saudi Arabia!
[ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed
with Thanksgiving traditions.
♪
And the first one across the finish line
wins their team $5,000!
♪
Sign up your team now!
All ages are welcome!
Disparaging remarks towards
the Saudi Royal family
are strictly prohibited.
Start your Thanksgiving with
this time-honored tradition.
The South Park Turkey Trot.
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
$5,000, you guys.
The winner of this year's Turkey Trot
gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia.
Like, if anybody's gonna
get money from Saudi Arabia,
it should be us.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
And just one person has to win the race
and your whole team gets the money?
- Yeah!
- Dude, that is crazy!
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
We should just get a
bunch of kids on our team,
and then the chances of one
of us winning is way better.
Yeah, but then you gotta split
the prize money more ways.
It's true, man.
I say we keep our team to
four, five runners, max.
Nobody said we wanted you on the team.
Yeah, you kinda slow us down.
Oh, no, no, no, trust me.
You want me on the racing team.
I happen to be an expert
in race science, you guys.
I know a way to give our team
an optimal winning advantage.
Tolkien!
Hey, man.
Listen, I was, uh
I was just wondering whose team
you're thinking of being
on for the big Turkey Trot.
- Turkey Trot?
- You know, the big footrace
Thanksgiving morning?
First place wins 5,000
bucks for his whole team.
Oh. I'm not really a runner.
Yeah, right.
Of course you're a runner, Tolkien.
Sorry, guys, just give me one second.
- What the hell is he doing?
- I don't know.
All right, look, Tolkien,
I'm a racing science expert, OK?
The data shows your
race always wins races.
[LOCKER SLAMS]
Whoa, whoa, Tolkien. Tolkien.
Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving.
If you don't want to race for yourself,
then do it for the
needy Kenny and Stan.
I mean, Stan's family
lost their home, dude.
Those guys could really use the money,
and all the analytics show
that with you on the team,
we can't lose.
Could you could you
just do it for Thanksgiving?
All right, fine.
Yes? He said yes!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Jesus Christ, Mitch.
A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot?
Everyone in town is gonna
want to do this race.
I was kind of thinking of
signing the family up, sir.
We could really use some
of that Saudi Arabian dough.
Can't do it, Mitch. We're
gonna be busy on race day.
COP: Sir!
The White house is calling again.
They're demanding we
release the prisoner.
Tell them we're busy.
But they said if we don't comply,
they're gonna send in Pete Hegseth
and the Department of War.
Who's Pete Hegseth?
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, what's up, guys?
This is Pete Hegseth
with the Department of War!
We're here to infiltrate this
police station and extract a POI
'cause that's what we do! [BARKING]
At ease, soldier!
The President of the
United States orders you
to release custody of the
prisoner to me immediately.
I warned you I had powerful friends.
Yeah, well, Totoro
still has to be processed
and seen by a judge.
And we have a big
Turkey Trot to deal with,
so it's gonna be a few days.
Hey, man, I don't think you understand.
You're messing with
the Department of War!
And we mean business.
We don't stand down for anyone!
Be sure to like and subscribe.
All right, let's do this! [BARKING]
All right, I certainly don't
want to tangle with you guys.
How about you just push the
secret button in the floor
over here and the jail
cell doors will all open.
- The secret button?
- Yeah, it's in the floor.
Right there, you see it?
- It's right there it is!
- Ah, ah, ahh!
Now get your little
bitch ass out of my town.
Oh, you
I dare you to do that again.
[SCREAMS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
OK, and did you already register
your racing team online?
Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned.
We're racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club.
Yes, here you go.
Good luck with the
race, happy Thanksgiving,
and [SPEAKS ARABIC].
Uh, it's Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mmkay.
OK, Mr. Mackey, and
how many on your team?
Oh, I'm not on no team, mmkay.
I need that sweet Saudi
Arabian money all for myself.
All right, guys, we
got our racing numbers.
Damn, dude, there's so
many people signing up.
How are we ever gonna win?
Don't worry, you guys,
I've been scoping out the competition.
That group over there
is the Rotary Club.
They won last year, but
they're all, like, old now.
Over there is the City Pop Up team.
The race science says
they'll race smart,
but not necessarily
fast, so we're good there.
WENDY: Oh, hey, Stan.
You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?
Yeah. You guys are too?
Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!
Oh, yeah, I'm sure
all four of you ladies
have a really awesome chance of winning.
There's actually five of us.
Hey, guys, what's up?
[DRAMATIC STING]
Well, we'll see you at the race.
All right, see ya!
They're teaching race
science to girls now?
What the hell kind of
country are we living in?
HEGSETH: Commitment!
Strength!
The ability to obliterate our enemies!
That is the Department of War!
What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hegseth.
We're outside this woke liberal town
that is actually defying our government,
and nobody defies the Department of War!
Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes!
I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass,
and I'm all outta ass.
I'll do whatever's necessary
to get the job done!
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, yeah, look at that!
That's the President of the
United States calling me,
right now!
Yes, Mr. President?
Hegseth!
What the fuck are you doing?
Did you get Peter Thiel?
No, sir, we were unable
to extract the prisoner.
We were met with resistance
from the woke local police force.
God damn it, we gave you one job to do.
We need Peter Thiel
here at the White house.
Sir, yes, sir!
I'm gonna need the full might
of the Department of War!
I'll need all our tanks
and guns and dudes!
Then you've got it.
Just get us the prisoner,
no matter what it takes!
Hell yeah!
And Hegseth, don't just
make a bunch of content.
Like, actually go and do something.
[QUIETLY] Be sure to
like and subscribe, guys.
Yes, sir, Mr. President!
I will make this town pay!
God, he is such a douchebag.
All right, men, we'll have
a full army here by tomorrow.
And then that smalltown cop
is gonna see he messed
with the wrong guy.
It's the morning of the big race,
and all of South Park
appears to have turned out
in the spirit of community.
People are putting on their numbers
and rocking out their festive costumes.
I'm with Police Chief Harris,
and Chief, your guys have
been working overtime.
Yeah, well, we just want to make sure
everyone has a safe
Thanksgiving morning.
We want people to stay
hydrated and be responsible.
Let's have a good Turkey Trot.
Now, of course, there's
a lot of money on the line
for the team of the race winner,
and so some people are
turning to race science.
That's right, you know,
a lot of people these days
want to debunk science.
You know, vaccine's cause autism,
jet fuel leaves chemtrails,
but when it comes to racing
science, it's science.
Certainly a lot of runners
hoping to cash in today,
so may the best turkey win.
All right, you guys ready to run?
We got this. Come on, team, let's go!
- Where's Tolkien?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
I didn't hear what?
Tolkien says he's not gonna race.
What do you mean Tolkien's
not going to race?
He said because it's being
sponsored by Saudi Arabia,
he's bowing out for political reasons.
- Are you fucking joking?
- No.
God damn it, wait here!
Welcome, everyone to the 28th
annual South Park Turkey Trot!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This is a wonderful turnout,
and I'm sure you'll all help me
in thanking this year's sponsor,
Saudi Arabia!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Holy shit!
Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising!
All right, Department of War, listen up!
The people of this town are
starting an insurrection!
But they will not stand in
the way of us getting our man!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
ERIC: Tolkien!
Tolkien?
Tolkien!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
[DOOR OPENS]
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
Playing "Arc Raiders."
The guys said you're not gonna race
because it's being
sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
Yeah, just doesn't feel right.
"It doesn't feel right"?
- Yeah, doesn't feel right.
- "It doesn't feel right"?
What, Tolkien, you don't
like that Saudi Arabia
is buying American stuff?
They're trying to be progressive, OK?
You want them to go back
to what they were doing?
You want Saudi Arabia to just
go back to cutting people up
and paying Kevin Hart?
Is that what you want?
I can't see the screen.
Tolkien, you can't whine about a country
trying to come into the 21st century.
Them wanting to help pay
for American things is good.
'Cause guess what?
If Saudi Arabia is out
paying for sporting events,
they're not out hacking up reporters
and inviting Pete
Davidson to come do comedy.
All right, everyone, on your mark
Get set
[GUNSHOT]
Holy shit!
Shots fired! Shots fired!
Get set up over there!
We need content! Now!
What's up, guys? Pete
Hegseth, Department of War.
We are being fired upon!
There's an uprising here.
Some kind of insurrection.
Make sure to like and subscribe!
[INDISTINCT HAPPY CHATTER]
You can hear the liberal terrorists
all screaming and chanting behind us.
We're gonna take 'em on!
Just another day in
the Department of War!
Let's move out!
Did you know that since 2018,
they actually allow women
to drive in Saudi Arabia?
They allow women to drive!
It's like practically a
lesbian utopia over there.
Can you please just let me
enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
Oh, yeah, sure, who cares
about lesbian utopia?
Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia
to just keep chopping
off gay people's heads.
That's way better, isn't it?
- You're being a dick, bro.
- Go away.
All right, Tolkien, you know what?
Fine. If you really don't want to be
a part of our country embracing
Saudi Arabia's desire to change,
then we don't need you.
Hey!
Hey, gimme back my Xbox!
Come get it, asshole!
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
Come on.
Come on, we gotta get that money.
The rioting terrorists
appear to be advancing
north, northeast.
Our plan, gentlemen,
is to intercept them
at this location here,
and get as much content
as we possibly can.
It's quite possible we'll
also be needing to get content
in this area, so be ready.
Third Battalion, you'll
be posting up here.
I want you posting on
Instagram and Twitter.
Alpha Team post here.
Bravo Team content there.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
All right, everyone, stand by.
At ease, soldier.
We heard there's a civilian uprising.
Yeah, we don't need
Homeland Security's help.
- We got it.
- We're just here to assist
in any way we can.
That's what Homeland Security does.
Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.
- We've got a
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not your content.
Everyone like and subscribe
to Department of War!
[CHEERING]
[PANTING]
Come on. Come on.
You got this. I got it.
[CHEERING]
[PANTING]
God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!
Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me?
[PANTS]
You're not even trying!
I am trying!
I told you, I'm not a runner!
Yes, you are!
Will you stop fucking around?
Homeland Security to Department of War.
The protestors are headed your way.
Stand down, Homeland Security.
This is our content.
There's too many of 'em!
[DOG BARKING]
- [GUNFIRE]
- [DOG WHIMPERS]
Here they come.
Everyone, hold your positions!
Department of War will
not be intimidated!
Hold.
Hold!
Fire the tear gas! Yeah!
[CANNISTER CLATTERS]
[ALL SHOUTING AND COUGHING]
[COUGHING] Dude.
Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
[COUGHING] I can't
I can't see nothing.
[COUGHING]
Tolkien? Tolkien!
- [COUGHING]
- Where the hell did you go?
[DISTANT BOOMING AND SHOUTING]
- [BELL DINGS]
- [COUGHING]
What the hell's going on?
We don't know.
Well, how the hell
are we supposed to race
if they've blocked the road?
[THUDDING]
[SQUEAKING]
Look, all I know is that
the Stotch family is in big
financial trouble this year.
We have to reach that finish line.
You think you fucked?
We gotta pay tariff!
That prize money is our only chance.
Does anyone have a
Turkey Trot route map?
Yeah, I've got one here.
All right, let's see.
So if this area's all blocked off,
then our best chance at
getting to the finish line
is detouring through here.
No, no, we should go this
way through the underpass.
BUTTERS' DAD: Are you crazy?
That's too much of a shortcut.
We could get disqualified.
All that matters is that
it's OK with Saudi Arabia.
Would going this way
be OK with Saudi Arabia?
There's no way to be sure
what Saudi Arabia wants.
All I know is, I need their money.
So I'm gonna go out
there and take my chances.
['80S ROCK MUSIC]
♪
What's up, guys?
Pete Hegseth, Department of War.
We've got the Narco
terrorists on the run
and we're gonna take 'em out.
Yeah!
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
Acting like a tough guy ♪
Posting it around the world ♪
Making lots of content ♪
Like a little teenage girl ♪
Pete Hegseth's a fucking douche ♪
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
[GUNFIRE]
[SIREN BLIPS]
All right, buddy.
I don't know what you
think you're doing,
but I'm pretty sure I told you
to get the hell out of my town.
[SCOFFS] Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you think
you're gonna do about it?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Hello?
Hello?
Anybody?
Give me my Xbox!
CARTMAN: Ah!
What is your problem, man?
You could've made this
an amazing Thanksgiving.
[COUGHS]
For Stan. For Kenny.
But you just wanna play games.
[COUGHS]
For the last time,
just because I'm Black
doesn't mean I run fast!
Yes, you do.
You just weren't trying
because you have a problem
with Saudia Arabia joining
the global community.
That has nothing to do
with you being a racist.
Oh, I'm a racist?
You want Saudi Arabia
to just keep stuffing
journalists into suitcases,
but I'm the racist!
I'm going home.
OK, fine, forget it.
TOLKIEN: Yeah, I will forget it!
And I can think whatever I want!
OK, you're right, Tolkien.
Yeah, I know I'm right!
OK, that's cool.
Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
I will have a good Thanksgiving
'cause I won't be listening
to your stupid bullshit!
Yep, sounds good.
Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
Oh, God damn it.
Yes! Race science!
Race science!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
and His Royal Highness
Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud,
this year's Turkey Trot grand prize
goes to the team of
South Park's very own
Tolkien Black!
[UPBEAT SAUDI ARABIAN MUSIC]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
We did it, dude.
HARRIS: It's right there. You see it?
- It's right there!
- [SCREAMS]
There you go. Almost there.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
All right, guys, that about wraps it up.
Let's get home and eat some turkey.
You son of a bitch!
The president will come for us!
Yeah, maybe so.
Judge will see you Monday.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
South Park's gonna pay for this.
They're all gonna pay.
[THEME MUSIC]
♪
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[TWANGY MUSIC]
All right, people, it's
almost Thanksgiving,
and that means the annual
Turkey Trot is nearly upon us.
How is it that we
haven't found one sponsor
to help pay for this event?
South Park's just fallen
on hard times, Mayor.
Nobody's got the money.
Tegridy Farms used to be a
sponsor of the Turkey Trot,
but as you know, we've
recently all lost Tegridy.
So I'm afraid we just can't help.
What about the City Asian Pop Up Store?
Can't they help sponsor
this year's race?
How City Asian Pop Up
pay for Turkey Trot?
We gotta pay tariff!
We more fucked than anybody!
Let's just face it, Mayor,
South Park businesses
are dying and a lot of good
people have lost their jobs.
Trash? Anybody got trash?
Oh, yeah, here's some. Bank shot!
There has to be a solution, people.
The Turkey Trot is the one time of year
this town comes together as a community.
We all need it now, more than ever.
Well, of course, there is someone
who'd be willing to give
South Park a bunch of money.
[CURIOUS MUSIC]
I mean, they're giving
money to everyone else.
Why not us?
[MUSIC ENDS]
My God.
That's it!
ANNOUNCER: This Thanksgiving morning,
lace up for holiday fun and tradition.
It's the 28th annual
South Park Turkey Trot.
Sponsored by
Saudi Arabia!
[ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed
with Thanksgiving traditions.
♪
And the first one across the finish line
wins their team $5,000!
♪
Sign up your team now!
All ages are welcome!
Disparaging remarks towards
the Saudi Royal family
are strictly prohibited.
Start your Thanksgiving with
this time-honored tradition.
The South Park Turkey Trot.
[SINGERS VOCALIZING]
$5,000, you guys.
The winner of this year's Turkey Trot
gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia.
Like, if anybody's gonna
get money from Saudi Arabia,
it should be us.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
And just one person has to win the race
and your whole team gets the money?
- Yeah!
- Dude, that is crazy!
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
We should just get a
bunch of kids on our team,
and then the chances of one
of us winning is way better.
Yeah, but then you gotta split
the prize money more ways.
It's true, man.
I say we keep our team to
four, five runners, max.
Nobody said we wanted you on the team.
Yeah, you kinda slow us down.
Oh, no, no, no, trust me.
You want me on the racing team.
I happen to be an expert
in race science, you guys.
I know a way to give our team
an optimal winning advantage.
Tolkien!
Hey, man.
Listen, I was, uh
I was just wondering whose team
you're thinking of being
on for the big Turkey Trot.
- Turkey Trot?
- You know, the big footrace
Thanksgiving morning?
First place wins 5,000
bucks for his whole team.
Oh. I'm not really a runner.
Yeah, right.
Of course you're a runner, Tolkien.
Sorry, guys, just give me one second.
- What the hell is he doing?
- I don't know.
All right, look, Tolkien,
I'm a racing science expert, OK?
The data shows your
race always wins races.
[LOCKER SLAMS]
Whoa, whoa, Tolkien. Tolkien.
Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving.
If you don't want to race for yourself,
then do it for the
needy Kenny and Stan.
I mean, Stan's family
lost their home, dude.
Those guys could really use the money,
and all the analytics show
that with you on the team,
we can't lose.
Could you could you
just do it for Thanksgiving?
All right, fine.
Yes? He said yes!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Jesus Christ, Mitch.
A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot?
Everyone in town is gonna
want to do this race.
I was kind of thinking of
signing the family up, sir.
We could really use some
of that Saudi Arabian dough.
Can't do it, Mitch. We're
gonna be busy on race day.
COP: Sir!
The White house is calling again.
They're demanding we
release the prisoner.
Tell them we're busy.
But they said if we don't comply,
they're gonna send in Pete Hegseth
and the Department of War.
Who's Pete Hegseth?
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, what's up, guys?
This is Pete Hegseth
with the Department of War!
We're here to infiltrate this
police station and extract a POI
'cause that's what we do! [BARKING]
At ease, soldier!
The President of the
United States orders you
to release custody of the
prisoner to me immediately.
I warned you I had powerful friends.
Yeah, well, Totoro
still has to be processed
and seen by a judge.
And we have a big
Turkey Trot to deal with,
so it's gonna be a few days.
Hey, man, I don't think you understand.
You're messing with
the Department of War!
And we mean business.
We don't stand down for anyone!
Be sure to like and subscribe.
All right, let's do this! [BARKING]
All right, I certainly don't
want to tangle with you guys.
How about you just push the
secret button in the floor
over here and the jail
cell doors will all open.
- The secret button?
- Yeah, it's in the floor.
Right there, you see it?
- It's right there it is!
- Ah, ah, ahh!
Now get your little
bitch ass out of my town.
Oh, you
I dare you to do that again.
[SCREAMS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
OK, and did you already register
your racing team online?
Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned.
We're racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club.
Yes, here you go.
Good luck with the
race, happy Thanksgiving,
and [SPEAKS ARABIC].
Uh, it's Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mmkay.
OK, Mr. Mackey, and
how many on your team?
Oh, I'm not on no team, mmkay.
I need that sweet Saudi
Arabian money all for myself.
All right, guys, we
got our racing numbers.
Damn, dude, there's so
many people signing up.
How are we ever gonna win?
Don't worry, you guys,
I've been scoping out the competition.
That group over there
is the Rotary Club.
They won last year, but
they're all, like, old now.
Over there is the City Pop Up team.
The race science says
they'll race smart,
but not necessarily
fast, so we're good there.
WENDY: Oh, hey, Stan.
You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?
Yeah. You guys are too?
Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!
Oh, yeah, I'm sure
all four of you ladies
have a really awesome chance of winning.
There's actually five of us.
Hey, guys, what's up?
[DRAMATIC STING]
Well, we'll see you at the race.
All right, see ya!
They're teaching race
science to girls now?
What the hell kind of
country are we living in?
HEGSETH: Commitment!
Strength!
The ability to obliterate our enemies!
That is the Department of War!
What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hegseth.
We're outside this woke liberal town
that is actually defying our government,
and nobody defies the Department of War!
Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes!
I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass,
and I'm all outta ass.
I'll do whatever's necessary
to get the job done!
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, yeah, look at that!
That's the President of the
United States calling me,
right now!
Yes, Mr. President?
Hegseth!
What the fuck are you doing?
Did you get Peter Thiel?
No, sir, we were unable
to extract the prisoner.
We were met with resistance
from the woke local police force.
God damn it, we gave you one job to do.
We need Peter Thiel
here at the White house.
Sir, yes, sir!
I'm gonna need the full might
of the Department of War!
I'll need all our tanks
and guns and dudes!
Then you've got it.
Just get us the prisoner,
no matter what it takes!
Hell yeah!
And Hegseth, don't just
make a bunch of content.
Like, actually go and do something.
[QUIETLY] Be sure to
like and subscribe, guys.
Yes, sir, Mr. President!
I will make this town pay!
God, he is such a douchebag.
All right, men, we'll have
a full army here by tomorrow.
And then that smalltown cop
is gonna see he messed
with the wrong guy.
It's the morning of the big race,
and all of South Park
appears to have turned out
in the spirit of community.
People are putting on their numbers
and rocking out their festive costumes.
I'm with Police Chief Harris,
and Chief, your guys have
been working overtime.
Yeah, well, we just want to make sure
everyone has a safe
Thanksgiving morning.
We want people to stay
hydrated and be responsible.
Let's have a good Turkey Trot.
Now, of course, there's
a lot of money on the line
for the team of the race winner,
and so some people are
turning to race science.
That's right, you know,
a lot of people these days
want to debunk science.
You know, vaccine's cause autism,
jet fuel leaves chemtrails,
but when it comes to racing
science, it's science.
Certainly a lot of runners
hoping to cash in today,
so may the best turkey win.
All right, you guys ready to run?
We got this. Come on, team, let's go!
- Where's Tolkien?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
I didn't hear what?
Tolkien says he's not gonna race.
What do you mean Tolkien's
not going to race?
He said because it's being
sponsored by Saudi Arabia,
he's bowing out for political reasons.
- Are you fucking joking?
- No.
God damn it, wait here!
Welcome, everyone to the 28th
annual South Park Turkey Trot!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This is a wonderful turnout,
and I'm sure you'll all help me
in thanking this year's sponsor,
Saudi Arabia!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Holy shit!
Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising!
All right, Department of War, listen up!
The people of this town are
starting an insurrection!
But they will not stand in
the way of us getting our man!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
ERIC: Tolkien!
Tolkien?
Tolkien!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
[DOOR OPENS]
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
Playing "Arc Raiders."
The guys said you're not gonna race
because it's being
sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
Yeah, just doesn't feel right.
"It doesn't feel right"?
- Yeah, doesn't feel right.
- "It doesn't feel right"?
What, Tolkien, you don't
like that Saudi Arabia
is buying American stuff?
They're trying to be progressive, OK?
You want them to go back
to what they were doing?
You want Saudi Arabia to just
go back to cutting people up
and paying Kevin Hart?
Is that what you want?
I can't see the screen.
Tolkien, you can't whine about a country
trying to come into the 21st century.
Them wanting to help pay
for American things is good.
'Cause guess what?
If Saudi Arabia is out
paying for sporting events,
they're not out hacking up reporters
and inviting Pete
Davidson to come do comedy.
All right, everyone, on your mark
Get set
[GUNSHOT]
Holy shit!
Shots fired! Shots fired!
Get set up over there!
We need content! Now!
What's up, guys? Pete
Hegseth, Department of War.
We are being fired upon!
There's an uprising here.
Some kind of insurrection.
Make sure to like and subscribe!
[INDISTINCT HAPPY CHATTER]
You can hear the liberal terrorists
all screaming and chanting behind us.
We're gonna take 'em on!
Just another day in
the Department of War!
Let's move out!
Did you know that since 2018,
they actually allow women
to drive in Saudi Arabia?
They allow women to drive!
It's like practically a
lesbian utopia over there.
Can you please just let me
enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
Oh, yeah, sure, who cares
about lesbian utopia?
Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia
to just keep chopping
off gay people's heads.
That's way better, isn't it?
- You're being a dick, bro.
- Go away.
All right, Tolkien, you know what?
Fine. If you really don't want to be
a part of our country embracing
Saudi Arabia's desire to change,
then we don't need you.
Hey!
Hey, gimme back my Xbox!
Come get it, asshole!
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
Come on.
Come on, we gotta get that money.
The rioting terrorists
appear to be advancing
north, northeast.
Our plan, gentlemen,
is to intercept them
at this location here,
and get as much content
as we possibly can.
It's quite possible we'll
also be needing to get content
in this area, so be ready.
Third Battalion, you'll
be posting up here.
I want you posting on
Instagram and Twitter.
Alpha Team post here.
Bravo Team content there.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
All right, everyone, stand by.
At ease, soldier.
We heard there's a civilian uprising.
Yeah, we don't need
Homeland Security's help.
- We got it.
- We're just here to assist
in any way we can.
That's what Homeland Security does.
Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.
- We've got a
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not your content.
Everyone like and subscribe
to Department of War!
[CHEERING]
[PANTING]
Come on. Come on.
You got this. I got it.
[CHEERING]
[PANTING]
God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!
Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me?
[PANTS]
You're not even trying!
I am trying!
I told you, I'm not a runner!
Yes, you are!
Will you stop fucking around?
Homeland Security to Department of War.
The protestors are headed your way.
Stand down, Homeland Security.
This is our content.
There's too many of 'em!
[DOG BARKING]
- [GUNFIRE]
- [DOG WHIMPERS]
Here they come.
Everyone, hold your positions!
Department of War will
not be intimidated!
Hold.
Hold!
Fire the tear gas! Yeah!
[CANNISTER CLATTERS]
[ALL SHOUTING AND COUGHING]
[COUGHING] Dude.
Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
[COUGHING] I can't
I can't see nothing.
[COUGHING]
Tolkien? Tolkien!
- [COUGHING]
- Where the hell did you go?
[DISTANT BOOMING AND SHOUTING]
- [BELL DINGS]
- [COUGHING]
What the hell's going on?
We don't know.
Well, how the hell
are we supposed to race
if they've blocked the road?
[THUDDING]
[SQUEAKING]
Look, all I know is that
the Stotch family is in big
financial trouble this year.
We have to reach that finish line.
You think you fucked?
We gotta pay tariff!
That prize money is our only chance.
Does anyone have a
Turkey Trot route map?
Yeah, I've got one here.
All right, let's see.
So if this area's all blocked off,
then our best chance at
getting to the finish line
is detouring through here.
No, no, we should go this
way through the underpass.
BUTTERS' DAD: Are you crazy?
That's too much of a shortcut.
We could get disqualified.
All that matters is that
it's OK with Saudi Arabia.
Would going this way
be OK with Saudi Arabia?
There's no way to be sure
what Saudi Arabia wants.
All I know is, I need their money.
So I'm gonna go out
there and take my chances.
['80S ROCK MUSIC]
♪
What's up, guys?
Pete Hegseth, Department of War.
We've got the Narco
terrorists on the run
and we're gonna take 'em out.
Yeah!
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
Acting like a tough guy ♪
Posting it around the world ♪
Making lots of content ♪
Like a little teenage girl ♪
Pete Hegseth's a fucking douche ♪
Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
[GUNFIRE]
[SIREN BLIPS]
All right, buddy.
I don't know what you
think you're doing,
but I'm pretty sure I told you
to get the hell out of my town.
[SCOFFS] Oh, yeah?
Well, what do you think
you're gonna do about it?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Hello?
Hello?
Anybody?
Give me my Xbox!
CARTMAN: Ah!
What is your problem, man?
You could've made this
an amazing Thanksgiving.
[COUGHS]
For Stan. For Kenny.
But you just wanna play games.
[COUGHS]
For the last time,
just because I'm Black
doesn't mean I run fast!
Yes, you do.
You just weren't trying
because you have a problem
with Saudia Arabia joining
the global community.
That has nothing to do
with you being a racist.
Oh, I'm a racist?
You want Saudi Arabia
to just keep stuffing
journalists into suitcases,
but I'm the racist!
I'm going home.
OK, fine, forget it.
TOLKIEN: Yeah, I will forget it!
And I can think whatever I want!
OK, you're right, Tolkien.
Yeah, I know I'm right!
OK, that's cool.
Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
I will have a good Thanksgiving
'cause I won't be listening
to your stupid bullshit!
Yep, sounds good.
Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
Oh, God damn it.
Yes! Race science!
Race science!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
and His Royal Highness
Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud,
this year's Turkey Trot grand prize
goes to the team of
South Park's very own
Tolkien Black!
[UPBEAT SAUDI ARABIAN MUSIC]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
We did it, dude.
HARRIS: It's right there. You see it?
- It's right there!
- [SCREAMS]
There you go. Almost there.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
All right, guys, that about wraps it up.
Let's get home and eat some turkey.
You son of a bitch!
The president will come for us!
Yeah, maybe so.
Judge will see you Monday.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
South Park's gonna pay for this.
They're all gonna pay.
[THEME MUSIC]
♪