South Park s28e05 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
Come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine ♪
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
STAN: The past few
months have just been
Really awful.
There were these ICE raids
and my dad's company
went out of business.
Then we lost our house and had to move
into the old folks home with my grandpa.
It's like everything keeps changing
and I really don't know
how to cope with it.
Uh-huh.
And how exactly do you feel
like shit has changed, bro?
[GUITAR CHORDS]
Well, Jesus, it just seems like
people aren't really as kind and giving
as they used to be, you know?
Like, I just got some
money from Saudi Arabia
and I'm thinking of sharing it.
'Cause I feel like that's
what everyone needs right now.
Like, a big Christmas miracle?
Sounds like some socialist
bullshit to me, bro.
[GUITAR CHORDS]
Jesus, I don't wanna live
in an old folks home anymore, OK?
Now, I don't know what's
made you change like this,
but we need some God
damn Christmas magic!
Hey, baby, I brought
us some Pinot Grigio!
- What took you so long?
- [GUITAR CHORDS]
Don't be mad I was
out doing my charity work!
I'm a Christian,
so I sing to people in need! [SNORTS]
Just shut up and pour me that shit.
You wanna make your life better, Stan?
Join the frickin' club!
This is the time of year we
all wish things were better.
But trust me, nothing miraculous
is gonna happen to anyone.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
The crib is decorated ♪
And the nursery's all planned ♪
I put holly on the diapers
with all the love I can ♪
Tiny dreams in tinsel glow ♪
What's more special than ♪
A new baby at Christmastime ♪
Only days remain until America meets
President Trump's demon spawn.
How Satan will give birth to
the butt baby is still unclear,
but everyone knows
the crap-out is coming.
Don the wipes and mistletoe ♪
There's so much to be done ♪
We'll drink eggnog and
cocoa when labor has begun ♪
So many reasons to be
glad, and I'll be having one ♪
A new baby at Christmastime ♪
I will love the baby
and so will its dad ♪
We will be so ♪
Wait a minute.
Where the hell is he?
Donald?
Donald!
Where is Donald?
Oh, sorry, Satan.
The President had to fly to Colorado
on an urgent matter.
An urgent matter? Are
you serious right now?
I told him this was the day
we were going to sing songs
and decorate the nursery!
What is he doing that's
more urgent than that?
Sorry, it's all high-level
classified stuff.
Even we don't have clearance
to know what he's doing.
He is such a piece a shit!
He does this to me all the time!
I'm about to have this baby,
and he's out fucking around!
Hormones, huh?
It is strange that the President hasn't
even informed me why
he's going to Colorado.
Well, the President said it's top secret
and only he and the
vice president can know.
Whatever they're doing
must be part of an extremely
covert military operation.
[BELLS RINGING]
Merry Christmas!
Relax, guy!
Hey-hey-hey! Relax, guy!
OK, Boss, this is the place.
That is the police station over there.
That's where they are
keeping Peter Thiel.
All right, we just gotta keep it quiet.
Nobody can know I want
to kill this baby ope!
Merry Christmas! Hey-hey-hey!
Relax!
Are you sure this Peter Thiel can do it?
Yes, Boss.
But we must find a way to break him out
- of that police
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Happy holidays!
Hey-hey-hey!
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't
have any spare change, mkay?
The government cut school funding
so I lost my job.
Then, you know, everything costs more
with all the tariffs, and
my health care got cut,
so I'm just struggling
like a lot of Americans are.
All right, well, Merry Christmas!
[BELLS RINGING]
We better hurry, Boss.
The town might be onto us,
and the crap-out could
be any minute now.
OK, let's synchronize our watches.
It's time to complete
Operation Kill My Own Baby!
I'll be home for Christmas ♪
If only in my dreams, my
dreams, my holiday dreams ♪
Hello, seniors, I'm Peggy Rockbottom
here to spread a little holiday cheer.
You know, sometimes we forget
the reason for the season.
But there's only one man in my life,
and that man is Jesus Christ.
And I wrote this song for him.
[JAUNTY MUSIC]
A Christian woman knows her place ♪
So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
With my big fake
tits and my Botox lips ♪
Saying merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
Come on, seniors, sing along!
A Christian woman knows her place ♪
ALL: So go ahead and
punch me in the face ♪
'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
With my big fake
tits and my Botox lips ♪
To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
I don't know if you can hear me,
but I've been kind of wishing
for a Christmas miracle.
If miracles can still even happen,
please, make it happen now.
ALL: Yay!
Look, guys, it's Stanny!
ALL: Stanny!
Oh, no!
- Did you miss us, Stan?
- Oh, no!
That son of a bitch.
I could give birth any minute.
"Oh, hey, Satan, you
about to go into labor?
OK, how about you go do everything,
and I'll do nothing?"
Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald!
Just like you always do.
Ugh. God, he is so disgusting.
Ugh, he's such a pig!
A blue jock strap?
He doesn't wear a blue jock strap.
Who does this belong to?
TOWELIE: Vance.
It's Vance.
They're together.
What are you talking about?
They just wanna kill the baby.
What?
The President Vance So much sex.
I can't understand you
'cause you're covered
in dried-up milk!
It's not milk.
Eww!
Oh! [COUGHING]
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
Tell me everything you know!
I will, but first Please
I need to get Just a little high.
Go away!
[CRITTERS CLAMORING]
What do you guys want?
Well, didn't you hear, Stan?
Satan's gonna give
birth to the antichrist!
Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby
and there's gonna be a big crap-out!
And nobody loves a
crap-out more than us!
[ALL CHEERING]
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
This doesn't make any sense!
You guys are just something
that Cartman made up in his head!
Aww, are you really gonna
overanalyze a crap-out?
No way! Crap-outs have no rules!
ALL: Yay!
All right, y'all, Stan wished us here
to help the Prince of Darkness,
so we gotta do what he says.
I didn't wish for that!
I didn't know anything about
Satan having a baby or crap-outs.
But you asked for a
Christmas miracle, Stan!
And this crap-out's gonna
make everything better!
It is? Are you sure?
Of course! Crap-outs are the best!
Come on! Let's get to it!
ALL: Yay!
[INHALING]
Oh, it's been so long.
[EXHALES]
So then Vice President Vance,
he doesn't want you to
have the baby, right?
'Cause he thinks your baby is gonna hurt
his chances of becoming president.
So he convinces Trump to try
to get rid of the baby himself,
but every time he tries,
he gets blocked by the FCC.
If he didn't want the
baby, why didn't he tell me?
They couldn't let anyone
know they wanted to get rid
of the baby because, you
know, Republicans, abortions
It's a bad look.
[GROWLS]
So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel
to get rid of the baby, and
Thiel's about to come do it
when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out
there's a plot to kill the baby.
So crazy, man. You
can't write this shit.
What did I ever see in him?
So then The President,
he's pissed off at Vance.
He says, you've been lying
to me, but Vance says,
I was just trying to protect you,
and then they start having sex
over and over and over and ove
Enough!
The president hath deceived me.
He hath deceived us all.
And I shall make him pay.
Oh, hell yeah, man. Let's
go get that motherfucker.
What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
It's a Woodland Critter Christmas ♪
Crap-out!
Hey! Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!
- Happy Holidays! Relax, guy!
Hello, we're with the Salvation Army!
We brought some food for your prisoners!
- Food for the prisoners?
- Hey, relax, guy!
This is the time of year
to give to the needy!
- We brought 'em this cake!
- We don't need your cake!
The president's gonna come
for us, and he's gonna oof!
Well, I guess there's no harm.
Mitch, let 'em in.
Hey, thanks, buddy!
ALL: We're headin' for a crap-out ♪
Crap-out, crap-out ♪
We smell a crap-out comin' soon ♪
- Don't take the hard route ♪
- Just get to the crapout ♪
ALL: Satan's gonna
crap out his anal womb ♪
OK, hold on a second.
You said that Satan
was in Washington, D.C.
Yeah, he was, and now
he's about to be here!
But how can you know that?
Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny,
will you just get on board
- with the crap-out already?
- Don't worry, Stanny.
Everything has been
foretold and nothing can stop
the antichrist from coming.
Except, of course, for Peter Thiel!
[CRITTERS JEERING]
P-P-P-Peter Thiel!
Wait, you mean the six seven guy?
You know Peter Thiel?
Yeah, he did a big dumb
assembly at the school.
He's here?
What are you gonna do, Stanny?
Are you gonna kill him and eat him?
All right, look.
If I'm gonna get on
board with something,
I need it make at least
a little bit of sense.
Well, OK, Susan Sontag, we'll make sure
it all lines up perfectly for ya.
ALL: Yay!
Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.
Come in, Red Dragon.
Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
I got the walkie in the cake.
Awaiting further instructions.
Excellent.
Just stand by, and we'll
find a way to get you out
so you can kill my baby.
Let's synchronize our watches.
SATAN: Donald!
Uh-oh.
You have lied to me.
Satan! We were just
doing some charity work!
Yeah, I don't think so!
I told Satan every detail of
your expertly-crafted plot.
Boss, it's your cum rag!
I stayed with you while
you two are fucking
behind my back?
Did Donald tell you
he has genital warts?
[LAUGHS] Hey, relax there, guy.
Look, there he is!
It's Satan!
ALL: Yay!
Just as the prophecy foretold!
Towelie? What's going on?
What's going on is the most
exquisitely woven tapestry
of ideas that you've ever seen, man.
Your deception is over,
Donald, and so are we.
This child will be born.
And for once, you are
going to have to live
with the consequences of your actions.
[WHOOSHING]
Keep your hands off my president, bro.
Whoa! It's Jesus Christ!
ALL: Aww!
This happens to be a great man
who's protecting our country from fags.
What the hell happened to Jesus?
He's all Christian now.
This man is a con artist,
and I will deal with him!
Don't think so, bro!
- Yeah! America! Whoo!
- [GUITAR CHORDS]
Oh, my God, this just
keeps getting crazier.
[GROANING]
What's wrong, Satan?
It's the baby. I think it's coming.
- Oh, wow, y'all, it's time!
- What do we do, Stan?
I don't know!
You gotta get him to a hospital!
Oh, boy! The big
crap-out is almost here!
I can hardly wait! Can hardly wait!
Look, it's the doctor!
ALL: Yay!
All right, we're almost ready.
We just wanna run a quick ultrasound,
and we'll get you into the OR.
Doctor, we must hurry.
There are evil forces at work.
[GUITAR CHORDS]
All right! This guy's incredible!
OK, now set Peter Thiel free!
[GUITAR CHORDS]
- Mr. President! What happened?
- I don't know!
I got another Christian dipshit
to help me get what I want!
Let's go, Christianity!
Then we can proceed.
We have very little time to stop
the antichrist from coming.
Boss, just so you know,
I don't care if my asshole
is filled with genital warts.
I still love you.
I can't believe he turned out to be
this big of a piece a shit.
I seriously fall for the worst guys.
Now, now, Satan, you need
to save your strength!
I mean, I knew he sucked, OK?
I knew it, but I didn't
think he would go this far.
- I am so stupid.
- No! You're not stupid!
Stanny, tell Satan he's not stupid.
- You're not stupid.
- No, I'm stupid!
I saw how he treated everyone,
but I was willing to look the other way.
All because I just wanted
my Christmas miracle.
Your Christmas miracle?
My little baby.
The only thing in my life
that could actually be good.
But now Donald has Jesus on his side,
and we'll never be free.
Satan's right.
If the President has Jesus
on his side, he's unstoppable!
It's only a matter of time
before they come here
and ruin everything.
ALL: Aww!
Now, don't be down, y'all.
- We have our own secret weapon.
- That's right!
They might have Jesus,
but we've got Stan!
ALL: Yay!
What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
It's a Woodland Critter Christmas ♪
Crap-out! Yeah! Let's go!
[DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC]
Let's do this!
Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!
What are we gonna do?
Where is room 6-7?
Thank you!
[GUITAR WAILING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
[MUSIC BUILDS]
[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
- Hey, kid! Get out of the way!
- No.
If you wanna get to Satan,
you'll have to go through us.
I am fully embracing this crap-out.
ALL: Yay!
Do not listen to these foul
creatures of darkness, child!
I don't know who to listen to anymore.
All I know is, I might
as well help someone
get their Christmas miracle.
'Cause nobody's helping me with mine.
At least that's what
Christmas used to mean.
Trying to make things a little easier
for someone else who needed it.
I don't know what happened
to your Spirit of Christmas, Jesus.
Let's face it, you gave up,
and now you've hit rock bottom.
Hey, I didn't hit her, OK?
I mean, all right, maybe I did!
But Peggy was asking' for it!
That's actually not at all
what I was talking about.
No. You're right.
You're right, my child.
I gave up and I lost faith.
I don't want to do this.
Hey! Don't forget I can sue you!
Then go ahead and sue me.
I'm not going to be afraid anymore.
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry sorry to interrupt,
but I'm afraid we have
some really bad news.
- What?
- What? What happened?
We've looked at the ultrasound, and
It appears that at some point
when nobody was watching,
the baby hung itself
and took its own life.
- What?
- What are you talking about?
I'm afraid you can see
it all in the video.
The baby got ahold of some bedsheets.
There's a couple minutes
missing from the ultrasound,
but it's definitely a suicide.
You gotta be kidding me!
The baby hung itself?
Boss! Boss! It's a miracle!
But does that mean
there's not gonna be a crap-out?
ANNOUNCER: This is a
Fox News special alert.
Fox News has just received confirmation
that the unborn child of
Satan and President Trump
has decided to take the easy way out
and end its own life.
Definitely an unfortunate
turn of events.
Fox News has analyzed the ultrasound.
You can see the baby probably
considering suicide right here
and then A little bit missing
And it killed itself.
Obvious confirmation of suicide.
You can see a little chair there.
Just what babies do sometimes.
That's right, and if
you or someone you know
is a fetus contemplating suicide,
we urge you to call Fox News
as much as you possibly can.
In the meantime, all
our thoughts and prayers
are with the president tonight,
Who will be holding a
funeral for his unborn child
at the White House.
[UPBEAT FESTIVE MUSIC]
Hey, Merry Christmas!
Did you hear the news? The baby's dead!
Yes, Mr. President, we are so sorry.
Happy holidays! The baby's dead!
Are you OK, sir?
Yeah, it's really hard!
Here, have a cigar!
Hey, Pam! Merry
Christmas! The baby's dead!
PAM: You're so strong, Mr. President.
And you're taking it really well.
Hey! Thanks, Pam!
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC]
[UPBEAT FESTIVE MUSIC]
I win! I win! I win again!
♪
Christmas letters
from home. Here you go.
Some Christmas joy from your loved ones.
There you go.
Hey, there's one for you today.
JESUS: Dear Stan, I'm writing this
because I owe you an apology
and a thank you.
You asked for a Christmas miracle,
and I didn't listen.
So now, go to this address.
No way.
Thank you.
Thank you!
[TWINKLING]
I'll be here, Stan,
watching over everybody.
Be good.
And remember, never
give up on the things
that you commit to.
He's so great, isn't he?
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Let's all have the happiest holidays!
A Christian Woman knows her place ♪
BOTH: So go ahead and
punch me in the face ♪
'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
With my big fake
tits and my Botox lips ♪
Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
PEGGY: Come on, seniors, sing along!
A Christian woman knows her place ♪
ALL: So go ahead and
punch me in the face ♪
'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
That's why I wrote this holiday song ♪
With my big fake
tits and my Botox lips ♪
To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
PEGGY: A Christian
woman knows her place ♪
ALL: So go ahead and
punch me in the face ♪
'Cause I deserve it ♪