South Park s29e04 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on up to South America ♪
See if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
So come on down to South America ♪
Meet some friends of mine ♪
["ROCK AND ROLL PART 2" BY GARY GLITTER]
♪
[BELL RINGS]
♪
Hey, guys, it's lunchtime!
And it's Wednesday.
You know what that means?
Sloppy joes! ♪
- Hey! ♪
- It's sloppy joes ♪
- Sloppy joes ♪
- Hey! ♪
Sloppy joes, sloppy joes ♪
Hey, Butters, you know
what's for lunch today?
- Sloppy joes.
- Hey! ♪
♪
Hey! ♪
- Sloppy joes ♪
- Hey! ♪
Sloppy joes ♪
Sloppy joes, sloppy
joes, sloppy joes ♪
Sloppy joes, sloppy joes ♪
Sloppy, sloppy joes ♪
Hey, hey ♪
Cuy?
What the hell is cuy?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
the fuck is this?
It's supposed to be sloppy joe day.
Yeah, well, South America
Elementary can't afford
the rising cost of beef,
so you get cuy.
- What's cuy?
- It's guinea pig on a stick.
Ew!
No, it's Wednesday. I
want my goddamn sloppy joe.
Well, then, go tell that
to your goddamn politicians.
[SNIFFS]
I fucking hate South
America so much, you guys.
How the hell do they
expect us to eat this?
I swear, the school
lunches just keep getting
worse and worse.
This whole stupid school
keeps getting worse.
You guys, you guys, check it out.
I stole Bebe's brainrot on "Roblox.
Look! It's a Chimpanzini Bananini!
Oh, my God.
Check this one out.
Oh, oh, it's a Bambadilo Crocodilo!
Nobody cares about Italian
brainrot anymore, Dad!
That's so last year.
Well, I'm sorry, Stan. I'm
just trying to fit in, OK?
You know, it's not easy
being the new kid at school.
Then you need to go fix your problem.
Go see a doctor or something.
You guys, the school has
just murdered sloppy joe day.
What are we gonna do?
Well, yeah, it's 'cause
there's a national beef crisis.
What are you talking about?
I don't know fucking government
can't figure out beef.
So now I guess they're
taking it from South America.
That's why you gotta
pack your own lunch.
The government's deciding
what to do with our beef?
That doesn't seem fair.
Yeah, tell me about it.
This whole town was built
on the cattle industry,
now we can't even afford it.
But then who's eating our beef?
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
All right, folks, let me
just mention our special
that we're serving tonight.
This is your extremely
expensive Grade A5 beef
from South America.
- Oh.
- Ooh!
South America is a small town
in the Colorado mountains,
and their beef is
becoming very sought after.
Uh, I've heard that South American beef
can give you kind of explosive diarrhea.
Uh, it is sort of a richer beef, yeah.
Very buttery. Um, if you can afford it,
it's a must-try.
All right, folks, here's
your A5 South American beef.
There's a nice jus there on the side.
And you you can enjoy that with
a little peppercorn crust.
Uh, I'll be back to see how
those first bites are going.
[WHISPERING] Go, go, go, go.
Mmm!
Ooh, very tender.
It's very t ah! [LOUD FART]
Larry ah! [FART]
What, huh oh, it is buttery.
[FARTS] Ah!
[FARTING]
Hi, folks, have you
heard about our special?
♪
So then I told the lunch lady
I was like, "Hey, you
guys better step it up.
"I don't care if you can't afford beef,
we deserve good lunches at this school."
I really read her the
Riot Act, you guys.
It was pretty hardcore.
Ah, seasonal special. That sounds nice.
Next!
Uh, yes, the, uh, seasonal special
what is that today?
It's a fresh, local guinea pig
on a honey-glazed stick.
Honey-glazed stick?
Fuck you. I don't want that!
Oh, well, then, we also
have a braised macadamia nut
guinea pig on a coffee-encrusted stick.
God damn it, we don't want
guinea pig on a fucking stick!
Utter fucking bullshit, you guys!
This is so unfair!
What the hell are we gonna do?
Let's just face it, you
guys, no more sloppy joes.
No more tacos. No more Salisbury steak.
You know who would've known what to do?
Kenny.
Kenny wouldn't have stood for this,
'cause he had to eat school lunches.
'Cause he was poor!
Kenny always knew what to do.
Hey, dudes.
I had a sweet idea.
Nobody cares.
OK, I just thought maybe
we could get some beef for the school.
- Wait, how.
- Dude, don't engage him.
Well, why don't the four of us
go talk to the local rancher?
Find out what's happening to our beef,
and then maybe we can save our school!
Yeah, or maybe you could
fuck off and go home.
You really think the
rancher would listen to us?
I think it's worth a try.
C'mon! Goonies can do anything.
- All right, Goonies, this is the place.
-
Dude, Stan, why does your dad
keep talking about gooning?
[CHUCKLES] Good one, Chunk!
You call me "Chunk" again,
I'll kick you in the nuts.
Afternoon, folks.
Here for some beef?
Yeah, we want beef for
our school cafeteria.
Tacos, Salisbury steak, sloppy joes.
We want to know what
the fuck is going on!
Well, the beef here in
South America is the finest.
For that premium flavor,
all our cattle are massaged daily
and fed a diet of grass,
imported olives, and beer!
The cows get beer?
C'mon in and see if
there's anything you like.
Wait, aren't these just the same cows
that have always been here?
Well, yes, but now we have
a much higher clientele,
you know,
And all the rich people in other states
want a premium experience.
Now we got influential people
coming in and out of here all the time.
They're saying cattle
are gonna be a big factor
in what happens in November.
Don't know what cows have to
do with "Grand Theft Auto VI,"
but whatever.
So then what about all the locals
who can't afford the beef now?
Yeah, we're getting fucked!
Oh, see, that's what everyone's saying,
but we've still got some
lower-cost inventory.
How about Destiny here?
She's a little older and leaner,
but comes at a lower price.
What do you think, you wanna
take Destiny back to VIP?
To VIP?
Yeah, you can take her back to VIP.
I'll set you up with some champagne.
Hell yeah, we'll go to VIP.
["CHERRY PIE" BY WARRANT PLAYING]
She's my cherry pie ♪
Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
Tastes so good,
make a grown man cry ♪
Sweet cherry pie ♪
- Whoa!
- Holy shit!
All right, that'll be $25,000.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Oh, yeah, that's a good steak
[FARTS] Ah!
Uh, waiter?
Yes, sir?
What is he having?
Oh, uh, I believe he's enjoying
the South American beef.
It comes from a small patriotic town
in the middle of the country.
Did he just explode with diarrhea?
It is more of a richer
beef, yeah little buttery.
Well, I'd like to get some of that.
In fact, I think we all would.
I'm so sorry, guys, but I
think that was our last one.
What?
The South American
beef is really popular.
We just can't keep up with the demand.
Well, that's just ridiculous!
I'm an American, and I'm very patriotic!
Now, I want some South
American beef, God damn it!
Mrs. Chris's!
Another table has demanded
South American beef.
I know. I can't even get
this rancher in Colorado
to answer my calls!
What are we supposed to do?
Ma'am, more people just walked out.
Everyone's furious!
This South American beef was
supposed to be a solution,
not a crisis.
Shut the restaurant down,
and everyone get ready to travel.
If South America won't
give us their cows,
then we'll take them instead.
[COW MOOS LOUDLY]
Sir, please,
can't you see that by
exporting all our town's cattle,
you're hurting us locals?
Sorry, boys, but I told ya,
if you can't afford the beef,
you can't afford the beef.
Do you have any idea
how much school sucks?
- Our lunchtime is all we have.
- Yeah!
It's bad enough we have to
deal with quizzes and homework,
and our bitch moms
fucking yapping,
bitching all the time
Dad!
Get get over here.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm trying to get
beef for the school
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
Oh, come on, Stan,
we're just having fun.
I'm not having fun!
You're not having fun?
[ENGINES ROARING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
We got a problem.
There's a steakhouse here
demanding more of our steaks.
Is it Ruth's Chris's?
No, it's worse.
Texas Roadhouse.
They're completely Ruth-less.
♪
Our customers are angry.
We need our South American beef now.
Look, I'm sorry, but
we're just a little behind
on production.
Yeah? Well, you better step it up!
Like it or not, your cows have become
more important than you can imagine.
ANNOUNCER: Live from
affiliates all over America,
this is "Countdown to November."
November is just around the corner,
and many believe concerns over beef
are going to play a critical part
in the fate of our country.
People are furious, and they should be.
Everyone has a right
to delicious, juicy,
South American beef.
And it's wrong that it
isn't affordable to everyone.
REPORTER: And what
about some people who say
you don't even eat South American beef,
that you eat tofu?
Well, that's ridiculous.
I love South American beef.
REPORTER: Well, that's
great, because we have
some South American beef right here.
Oh.
Actually, I just ate not that long ago.
REPORTER: But you said
you never turn it down.
Do you not like patriotic
South American beef?
Of course I do. I love America. I
There we go. Mmm. I love me a
[FARTS] Ah!
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
CARTMAN: Sloppy joes ♪
Sloppy, slop ♪
Sloppy joes ♪
Chunk?
What are you doing, Chunk?
We can't just give up.
What do you mean? It's over.
Yeah, face it, dude. We lost.
No, it's not over.
We still have each other.
And Goonies never say die.
They have their world out there,
but in here, this is our time.
And if we can just
Stop talking to my friends
like they're your friends.
I'm just saying, maybe we
can rally all the students.
You know, make a giant protest.
When are you gonna realize
that nobody wants you around, Dad?
Oh. OK.
Sorry.
You know, Stan, be nice if you
cut me some slack sometimes.
All I'm doing is trying
to connect with you.
You are pretty rough on him, dude.
- What?
- Yeah, I get it.
Caring about something isn't cool.
But but maybe we can
get some of the other kids
to forget that and care a little bit.
Little Randy's right.
We can't give up.
We gotta get everyone involved.
No, you guys, this is done, OK?
OK, Stan, then we'll do it without you.
The truth is, everyone's a little sick
of your attitude.
ANNOUNCER: Live from
our nation's capital,
this is "Countdown to November."
November is looming,
and beef prices are on everyone's mind.
But some are trying to
downplay its relevance.
My guest is a wealthy CEO from Florida
who says that the importance
of beef is overrated.
Is that what you think, sir?
REPUBLICAN: That's right, Mike.
There's so many great
proteins out there, you know?
Like ground turkey and lentils.
That's all I really eat.
You've never had South American beef?
REPUBLICAN: No, no. What's the big deal?
I mean, good lentils are
just as rich and buttery as
Sir, you look a little like
you've had South American beef.
REPUBLICAN: Mike, a protein
is a protein is a protein.
Like some nice, juicy edamame.
My wife eats nothing
but edamame every day.
Isn't that right, honey?
WIFE: Oh, yeah. Beef is
too hard on the figure.
I prefer edamame.
And my tits are real.
REPUBLICAN: Your tits look great, honey.
WIFE: Oh, stop, you rascal.
KIDS: We want beef! We want beef!
KYLE: All our local cows
are being exported to
high-end restaurants.
And meanwhile, our school
lunches suck more and more.
ALL: Yeah!
We want beef! We want beef!
So us dudes are asking all school kids
to join us and fight for our beef.
ALL: Yeah!
Little Randy! Little Randy!
Little Randy! Little
Randy! Little Randy!
If we unite together,
then we can fight
these damn steakhouses.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
RUTH: Beautiful speech, boys. Bravo.
My name is Ruth Chris,
and unfortunately, you have no idea
the forces you are meddling with.
This entire country is about to change.
And if anyone is going
to control your beef,
you want it to be Ruth Chris's.
We are taking control.
Mrs. Chriseseses, we have a problem.
The South American cows
have all just been hijacked
by Sizzler!
What?
[GUNFIRE]
[MOOING]
[MOOING]
That's our sloppy joes!
[DRAMATIC COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪
NARRATOR: What does a man owe the land?
November is coming.
Time when people will
show what they stand for.
And if there's one
thing all Americans love,
it's a bullshit cowboy.
The kind that grew up in the suburbs
but then bought a truck,
threw on a cowboy hat,
and ripped on city people
while working out in their private gym.
The kind that fly to
their vacation ranches
for the weekend and then talk about
how they're victims of the system.
But if you want people
to really believe your cowboy bullshit,
nothing's more important than
what you put on your plate.
South American beef is now available
exclusively at Sizzlers.
It's about tradition,
family, and loyalty.
Go on.
Prove who you are this November.
Ah!
NARRATOR: Sizzler, because
nothing says America
like beef from South America.
I don't know what to tell you folks.
Sizzler done cleaned me out.
There ain't a cow left in town.
There has to be something we can do.
We must have that beef.
God damn it, lady, give it up already.
You people already sucked
our town dry of sloppy joes.
What else do you want from us?
After all of this, you boys still think
it's just about the cows?
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
People don't care about the cows.
They care about this country.
November is coming.
And everyone's freaking out
because we have to choose
who will be in charge
when we're all dealing
with something that we
are not prepared for!
[SIGHS]
You wanna know the truth?
Then it's time you saw the truth.
A lot of good Americans
died to smuggle this to us.
Prepare yourselves.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Look at that.
The graphics are seriously next level.
You see the worldbuilding?
[DOG BARKS]
It's a dog taking a poop.
And people can pick up the dog poop.
You can throw things at
the person with dog poop.
And if they choose to fight back,
you can pick up the dog poop
and actually attack
them with the dog poop.
That
is what's coming in November.
Wow.
Holy shit.
Dude, that game looks fucking tits.
[SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪
Boy, things are really gonna
change in November, huh?
Yeah.
Kinda puts a perspective on things.
Yeah, it does.
Stan, I'm sorry I've been
intruding on your life.
I guess I just saw an opportunity
to try and be closer
to you, and I blew it.
No, I'm sorry, Dad.
You didn't choose what happened to you,
and I need to not yell
at you all the time.
Guess all that bickering and
fighting won't be worth much
when November comes around, huh?
Things are really gonna
change. I'm pretty excited.
Me too.
Seems a shame, though.
Not gonna have beef in the cafeteria.
Wait a minute.
They said nobody even
really cares about our cows.
Yeah, it's just a battle
over who's more patriotic.
So then, this rancher could
inject anything with lard and butter.
And people would be
just as obsessed with it.
That's it! Dude, that's it!
We can have all our cows back!
Don't you see? It's the
perfect solution, you guys.
Mrs. Chriseses, you
can have what you need,
the rancher guy can still make money,
and all us locals get to benefit
from our own local beef.
My God, boys.
It just might work.
[REFINED MUSIC]
All right, everyone, we've got
your patriotic meals right here.
This is your lime-infused,
South American,
flame-seared guinea pig on a stick.
- Oh.
- Oh.
We recommend you start
with the stick purée
before moving on to the stick confit.
And the chef has shaved
the guinea pig's pussy
into a nice little landing strip.
OK, enjoy your South American meal.
[WHISPERING] OK, go. Go, go, go, go.
Well, it looks like a patriotic dish.
[FARTS] Ah!
Oh, I love it.
[FARTING] I really ah!
[GRUNTING]
[MUFFLED] It's absolutely delicious.
[FARTS] Ah!
[FARTING AND SCREAMING]