South Park s29e05 Episode Script
We Be Clubbin'
1
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on up to South America ♪
See if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
So come on down to South America ♪
Meet some friends of mine ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
GARRISON: OK, kids,
let's take our seats.
Now I know you've all
heard about the midterms
and the severe beating
our president took.
What are midterms?
And of course, we
could just go on and on
and make a bunch of jokes about him,
but it's no fun punching
down on a helpless loser.
So we're just gonna sort of
not do that this week, OK?
However, the school is
going to be implementing some
liberal changes, and so
please welcome
- PC Principal.
- [UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC]
Fuck yeah!
♪
Fuck yes, dude!
♪
Yeah, we are back!
We are fucking back, baby!
Whoo!
Oh. All right, everyone, listen up.
I don't know about you, but
I've been pretty messed up
the last couple years,
but we are back!
We're fucking back, bro.
Fuck yes, bro! Fuck yeah!
We are gonna get shit back on track.
We are gonna be tolerant.
We're gonna be respectful of all races.
We're gonna have fucking sex
changes all fucking students.
We're gonna we're gonna
support fucking Palestine!
And we are no longer
going to forget about the minority
and the gay students at this school.
Gay students at this school?
Oh, my God.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
You guys. You guys!
We forgot. Oh, my God, guys,
we totally forgot.
We forgot what?
Last week with the stupid elections
and us bitching about
the school lunches,
we forgot it was Craig
and Tweek's anniversary.
[ALL GASP]
Wait, it was? [GASPS]
Oh, my God, it was.
It was their anniversary
and we all forgot.
I feel like such an asshole, you guys.
Hey, fellas. Fellas, we
just realized something.
Yes, Jimmy, we all feel horrible.
Nobody remembered Tweek
and Craig's anniversary.
No, i-it's worse than that.
We're not the only ones who forgot.
Uh, Craig?
Oh, hey, Tweek.
Uh, I was thinking maybe it
would be cool to do something.
You know, like, we
haven't hung out in a bit.
Yeah, sorry, Tweek,
I've been crazy busy.
I had practice all last
week and then five big games
over the weekend.
Wow. That much, huh?
Ever since you got on that
team, it seems like you always
have a big game.
Yeah, I know.
Club sports aren't like school sports.
It seriously takes up all my time.
They charge my parents a ton of money
and I have to be totally committed.
Yeah, being committed is important.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Well, we'll hang out soon, OK?
Uh, hey, Craig.
Happy
happy practice time.
Thanks. I'll try to call you later, OK?
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
♪
[PHONE BEEPS]
Bro, I am so sorry.
It's fine. I'm fine.
No, everyone feels like shit, dude.
And we heard Craig forgot
too. But don't worry, man.
Craig's gonna always be there for you.
No, I know, it's just
'cause he's been really busy
with his club sports, with
all his games and practices.
Oh, he's doing club sports?
- Oh.
- What?
No, no, nothing. It's cool.
Just kids that get
into club sports kind of
aren't able to do anything ever again.
Well, I mean, it's just,
they get new friends
and they're all club
sports friends, you know.
And they hang out in hotels
together and go on trips.
You ever seen that show,
"Heated Rivalry," Tweek?
- No!
- Yeah, it's not good.
Those guys go at it pretty hardcore.
Well, have a good day,
Tweek. Happy anniversary.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Bah!
Ahh!
School sports are fine,
but they only take a child so far.
That's why it's great to hear
you might wanna join club sports.
Ah! Yeah! I wanna join club sports.
OK, great!
Now, folks, did you
have that $26 tryout fee?
Oh, well, we're just seeing
what it's all about first.
Yeah, that's a $26 fee.
Then we can talk about the club sports.
- [BEEP]
- OK, great!
So SACS was founded earlier this year.
I actually used to
own a branding company
called Cumhammer,
but when AI came along, nobody
needed branding companies
so I turned it into
an underwear company,
and that underwear company now sponsors
this amazing facility for kids!
Mom, Dad, please, I
really want to do this.
Tweek, I don't know if
we even have the time.
Well, that's just it, isn't it?
How much time are we
willing to take for our kids?
With the $26 fee, we could
just assess if this is right
for your child.
OK, fine.
OK, great. That'll be $26.
No, we paid the $26.
That was a different $26.
This is a $26 assessment fee.
[BEEP] OK, well, looking at your child,
I'd say he's good for club sports.
Assessment passed. Ready to move on?
How much more would we have to spend?
There's club dues, and
you have to purchase
officially licensed Cumhammer apparel,
but you have to think
of your child's future.
Without this, he probably
won't get into college.
Ah-ha!
All these other kids are doing it.
They're gonna leave him in the dust,
and he's gonna have no future at all.
He'll be dead in a ditch.
Wha-ha-ha!
Well, I-I guess we could try it.
All right!
Let's get some paperwork going,
get you guys fitted, and
he can start club sports
tomorrow morning!
[ALARM BLARING]
Gah!
We gotta go!
[BIRDS TWEETING]
[YAWNS] God.
How much further is it?
It's a long way, Tweek.
Hey, folks, you made it!
You ready to go, Tweek?
Gah!
OK, you can park right
over there, folks.
It's just a $15 parking fee.
But SACS gets a discount,
so it's just 10 bucks
if you go through us.
[BEEP]
Come right on in this way.
Oh, did you folks want to come in too?
Well, yes, what else
are we supposed to
OK, it's just a $20 spectator fee
for your wristbands.
[BEEP]
All right, we're gonna
get the kids warmed up.
Why don't you folks head up to the bar?
Hey, Craig!
Tweek?
Yeah. I joined the club, Craig.
Why?
Y-you're not excited to see me?
Yes, I'm extremely excited to see you.
You don't sound very excited.
I never sound excited.
[WHISTLE BLARES]
All right, guys, come
on, let's get ready!
Now, before we start this big day,
is everyone wearing Cumhammer underwear?
ALL: Yes.
OK, great, now let's get my
A tier level kids over here,
and my B tier kids over there.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you're
B tier, there, Tweek.
You gotta get on that side.
I don't want you guys mixing
with the B tier kids, all right?
They suck. Fuck those kids.
Oh, hey, guys.
We heard Tweek joined club sports.
Yeah, we didn't know it
would be this far of a drive.
Yes, well, we all have
to sacrifice for our kids.
OK, great job, parents!
Really good turnout this morning.
OK, now everyone
back in your cars!
We're gonna get to Castle
Pines for the next one!
Come on, let's go! Get
those kids to the next one!
Don't let them get left behind!
Whoa, whoa, wait, we're leaving?
The kids haven't played anything.
What do you mean?
We're playing right now.
Come on, you gotta get
your kid to the next thing!
Let's go, go, go!
Yay-yay ♪
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
- Uh-huh ♪
- Come on, Tweek.
- [TWEEK GRUNTS]
- Uh-huh ♪
Where's it say we're supposed to go?
Uh, I think it's the next highway.
♪
We be clubbin' ♪
Great job, Mom and Dad!
They're just doing $6 parking here.
- [BEEP]
- Get your club on ♪
- We clubbin' ♪
- OK, yellow wrist band
for spectators.
- [BEEP]
- Yay-yay ♪
We be clubbin' ♪
All right, let's go, South America!
Come on, we gotta get to Thorton.
We be clubbin' ♪
37 miles, then get on C-470.
Ah-ha!
Get your club on ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
- Yay-yay ♪
All right, let's get that parking.
[BEEP]
Purple wristbands? Who
needs purple wristbands?
- Get your club on ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
Listen, I don't even want you looking
at those B tier kids, OK?
Fuck them. They're fucking terrible.
OK, gotta check in to
the motel, moms and dads!
We be clubbin' ♪
Come on, Dad. Come on, Dad.
Check in to that motel!
I-I think we're just
gonna sleep at home.
Doesn't matter. You gotta stay to play.
Come on, Dad! Club sports! Club sports!
Get your club ♪
We be clubbin' ♪
- [BEEP]
- Yay-yay ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
- [BEEP]
You got those keys? OK, fuck those keys.
You don't need 'em.
Let's get to Evergreen!
Get this special merchandise!
Come on, get that merchandise!
Let's go, South America!
South America, let's go!
- [ALARM BLARING]
- [BOTH SCREAMING]
- We gotta go! We gotta go!
- We gotta go!
- Tweek!
- Ahh!
We gotta get to Boulder!
Waah!
Electrolytes! Everyone
take electrolytes!
Tweek, electrolytes!
- Good job, Mom and Dad.
- [BEEP]
There's your parking.
OK, now turn around
and get to Fort Collins!
It's an hour that way! Go, go, go!
Oh!
Craig? Craig, I don't understand this.
W-we just keep driving
from town to town,
checking into hotel rooms,
and paying for stuff!
Yeah, dude, it's club sports.
It totally sucks. Why'd
you want to join this?
Well, because I thought I
could spend time with you.
I just want to do something to
you know, celebrate.
Well, you're in club sports now too,
so you're just as busy as me.
I think maybe we have the afternoon off
a week from Thursday.
We could try to do something then.
Whoa, whoa! What's going on, you two?
You're not supposed to be together.
You can't hang out with
the B tier kids, OK?
They're terrible. Just look at 'em.
No, don't actually look at
'em. They'll make you sick.
So how are you guys
liking club sports so far?
Oh, it's pretty exhausting.
This week we've had to wake
up at 5:00 in the morning
a few times and go
to 20 different towns.
Well, lucky your kid's just in B tier.
In A tier we've had
to get up at 3:30 a.m.
to get our kid to
training and dieticians
before driving to 30 different towns
and stay in 14 different hotel rooms.
Oh, you're so lucky
you only have one kid.
We spent the week getting
up at 2:00 in the morning
to get our three kids
to 50 different cities
and stay at 9 hotel
rooms at the same time.
I wish we could just drive
to 50 different cities.
We woke up every morning at
midnight to get our four kids
to 87 different hotel rooms
while we were still driving
so we could get our youngest to a meet
in a little town at
the top of Mount Evans.
Don't we wish we could
sleep until midnight?
I volunteer to run
concessions for the meetups
and my husband does the
video for the livestream,
so we've had to wake up
before we've had dinner
and drive to 120 different towns
and stay in 200 motel rooms
in the state of Nevada.
UBER MOM: Hey, guys!
Oh, God, it's the Bowers.
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted!
WE just drove our six kids
to 92 different cities,
got our youngest to a meet at
the bottom of the Grand Canyon,
and stayed at 46
hotels in one afternoon!
Yeah, yeah, you guys
are really good parents.
Well, I don't know about that,
but we did run all the concessions
and the streaming cameras in the
entire southeast United States.
It was crazy!
But who wouldn't do all
that for their kids, right?
Who wouldn't?
CRAIG: Tweek? Tweek, wait up.
- Hey, Craig.
- Tweek,
I think I owe you an apology.
I forgot something and
it was really important,
and I'm sorry.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I forgot my parents are driving
me to a hydrating seminar
a week from Thursday, so
I actually can't hang out.
What?
You don't care about anything, do you?
- What?
- Your parents say
you gotta do all this stuff
and you're just like
[GRUFF VOICE] OK, I guess
I just gotta do this now.
My name's Craig. Whatever.
I don't really care about anything.
Hey, knock it off. That's not cool.
[NORMALLY] Oh, you care about that?
[GRUFF VOICE] I thought Craig Tucker
didn't care about anything.
Whatever. It's fine.
- I don't sound like that.
- [GRUFF VOICE] "I don't sound like that."
It is what it is, Tweek.
If you feel like that, then
why are we even together?
[NORMALLY] You call
all this being together?
Hold on a second!
You guys are fucking gay?
We used to be best friends.
Yeah, we were best
friends for about a year!
Why didn't you tell me
you were fucking gay?
That can bring in big money!
Well, this changes everything!
I don't know how the
other parents do it, Helen.
All the money, all the time
we can't keep up with these club sports.
Richard, I think we might
have to face the fact that
we're just shitty parents.
Yeah, I guess we're just shitty parents.
But there's no way we can keep this up.
We've gotta cut our losses
and get back to coffee.
We're just gonna have to
break the news to Tweek
that he's not gonna have any future
and he'll probably get left behind.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, boy.
Hey, folks! How we doin'?
Wait, what? How how did
you get in the front door?
I have a wristband.
Got some really exciting
news, Mom and Dad!
Your son's just made triple A tier!
I brought you guys some free swag.
Some champagne.
And out in the car,
there's a year's supply
of Cumhammer underwear!
Look, I'm sorry, but we've decided
we don't have what it takes
to be club sports parents.
I don't think you understand.
Your son is triple A now!
So what is that?
More money?
No! No way!
Your son's a player, not a payer.
Look, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
There's something really
special about your child.
He's got a big future ahead of him.
And a child as elite as
yours, they're up here.
They're not payin' for stuff.
So then who pays for him?
All those other kids.
They're not players, they're payers.
Fuck those kids.
They're gonna pay your son's way.
The problem is, we have
a coffee shop to run.
Well, that's OK.
SACS is gonna get employees
to work your coffee shop for you too!
And you know who's gonna pay for it?
Those other fuckin' kids,
that's who's gonna pay for it.
All the parents and kids who
aren't great at this stuff,
fuck those kids!
This is triple A, guys.
You're in the big leagues now.
[ROCK MUSIC]
SACS LEADER: We all love our kids.
We all want what's best for them.
And in today's world,
all our children really need is SACS.
South American Club
Sports will give your child
the skills they need to succeed in life.
Skills like checking in to hotel rooms
while applying group rates,
managing frequent flier miles,
downloading parking
apps, and so much more.
Doesn't your child deserve to have SACS?
We are the one youth sports club
with all the very best young athletes.
And now South American
Club Sports even has
triple A members
Tweek and Craig!
Heated Rivalry!
Don't let your child miss out
on being a part of a winning team.
Just listen to what Tweek
and Craig have to say
about South America Club Sports.
♪
Come on, guys, what do you have to say
about South America Club Sports?
Hey, come on, gay guys.
You can be mad at each other,
but you gotta still work for the team.
Hey what are us A tier
kids supposed to do?
You're supposed to get outta here!
You can't be around triple A kids!
You guys fuckin' suck!
That doesn't feel very nice, sir.
I don't care! Go stare in the toilet
or something, you pieces of shit!
All right, come on, gay guys.
Just say, like, "SACS
builds confidence."
[LAUGHS] It's just been a crazy day!
We had to drive to the northeast,
work the concessions at 100 cities,
and check in to every
hotel room in Vermont.
Well, we had to get up
and fly to every airport in California.
Oh, yeah, poor you. [LAUGHING]
TWEEK'S MOM: Oh, hey, guys!
Oh, my God, we just got our itinerary
for triple A team!
It's crazy!
Mr. And Mrs. Tweek?
Yeah, as a triple A parent,
you really have to
sacrifice for your child.
We're about to go all over the world!
Itinerary's pretty crazy.
Every city in Europe followed by
3,000 hotels in the South Pacific,
accessible only by submersible
and that's just the first two days.
But you know, who wouldn't want
to sacrifice for their kids?
You fucking bitch.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
- Come on, gay kids.
- [TOY SQUEAKS]
Come on, let's see some enthusiasm.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
Can't you just be happy that
we're in the same league now?
I'm happy.
I'm super happy.
No, you're not happy!
We're in triple A, so
now we're never gonna
have a free minute to do anything!
This is stupid.
I quit!
[DOOR SLAMS]
What the hell are you doin'?
You gotta go after him!
Just leave him alone.
He doesn't wanna do it.
Well, you gotta go
convince him to do it!
I can put you on B
team like that, Craig.
And all the money your parents spent
will be for nothin'!
Now go get him!
Damn it.
Tweek, please don't leave
Why, Craig?
Because you need me
to make triple A tier?
Yes.
And because I want you around.
If you wanted me around,
you never would have
joined this in the first place.
You joined it too.
Yes, to be with you!
But all it does is
completely consume your life!
I don't understand why
you'd want to do it!
Because I am freaking out, OK?
They told me I wouldn't have a future!
They said I would get left behind
and that I wouldn't
get into college and
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
What if I don't achieve anything?
What what if everyone
else is better than me?
What if I'm not pushing
myself to have a future,
- and competing to
- Craig, Craig!
It's OK.
You gotta calm down, man.
I didn't know you were feeling all this.
But trust me
I know exactly what it's like.
You can't let them get to you.
It's OK to just be a kid for a while
and enjoy the little things.
Oh, shit, I forgot our
anniversary, didn't I?
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's OK, Craig.
No, it's not.
You make me happier
than anyone in the world.
I don't know what happened to me.
I do.
You got swindled by a fat con man
who played into your anxieties.
And then that played into mine.
But I'm gonna be
hopeful about our future.
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
Hey, where you going?
You're triple A!
Don't get left behind!
Love can heal ♪
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
♪
[THEME MUSIC]
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Have myself a time ♪
Friendly faces everywhere ♪
Humble folks without temptation ♪
I'm goin' down to South America ♪
Leave my woes behind ♪
Ample parking day or night ♪
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
I'm headin' on up to South America ♪
See if I can't unwind ♪
[MUMBLING] ♪
So come on down to South America ♪
Meet some friends of mine ♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
GARRISON: OK, kids,
let's take our seats.
Now I know you've all
heard about the midterms
and the severe beating
our president took.
What are midterms?
And of course, we
could just go on and on
and make a bunch of jokes about him,
but it's no fun punching
down on a helpless loser.
So we're just gonna sort of
not do that this week, OK?
However, the school is
going to be implementing some
liberal changes, and so
please welcome
- PC Principal.
- [UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC]
Fuck yeah!
♪
Fuck yes, dude!
♪
Yeah, we are back!
We are fucking back, baby!
Whoo!
Oh. All right, everyone, listen up.
I don't know about you, but
I've been pretty messed up
the last couple years,
but we are back!
We're fucking back, bro.
Fuck yes, bro! Fuck yeah!
We are gonna get shit back on track.
We are gonna be tolerant.
We're gonna be respectful of all races.
We're gonna have fucking sex
changes all fucking students.
We're gonna we're gonna
support fucking Palestine!
And we are no longer
going to forget about the minority
and the gay students at this school.
Gay students at this school?
Oh, my God.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
You guys. You guys!
We forgot. Oh, my God, guys,
we totally forgot.
We forgot what?
Last week with the stupid elections
and us bitching about
the school lunches,
we forgot it was Craig
and Tweek's anniversary.
[ALL GASP]
Wait, it was? [GASPS]
Oh, my God, it was.
It was their anniversary
and we all forgot.
I feel like such an asshole, you guys.
Hey, fellas. Fellas, we
just realized something.
Yes, Jimmy, we all feel horrible.
Nobody remembered Tweek
and Craig's anniversary.
No, i-it's worse than that.
We're not the only ones who forgot.
Uh, Craig?
Oh, hey, Tweek.
Uh, I was thinking maybe it
would be cool to do something.
You know, like, we
haven't hung out in a bit.
Yeah, sorry, Tweek,
I've been crazy busy.
I had practice all last
week and then five big games
over the weekend.
Wow. That much, huh?
Ever since you got on that
team, it seems like you always
have a big game.
Yeah, I know.
Club sports aren't like school sports.
It seriously takes up all my time.
They charge my parents a ton of money
and I have to be totally committed.
Yeah, being committed is important.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Well, we'll hang out soon, OK?
Uh, hey, Craig.
Happy
happy practice time.
Thanks. I'll try to call you later, OK?
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
♪
[PHONE BEEPS]
Bro, I am so sorry.
It's fine. I'm fine.
No, everyone feels like shit, dude.
And we heard Craig forgot
too. But don't worry, man.
Craig's gonna always be there for you.
No, I know, it's just
'cause he's been really busy
with his club sports, with
all his games and practices.
Oh, he's doing club sports?
- Oh.
- What?
No, no, nothing. It's cool.
Just kids that get
into club sports kind of
aren't able to do anything ever again.
Well, I mean, it's just,
they get new friends
and they're all club
sports friends, you know.
And they hang out in hotels
together and go on trips.
You ever seen that show,
"Heated Rivalry," Tweek?
- No!
- Yeah, it's not good.
Those guys go at it pretty hardcore.
Well, have a good day,
Tweek. Happy anniversary.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Bah!
Ahh!
School sports are fine,
but they only take a child so far.
That's why it's great to hear
you might wanna join club sports.
Ah! Yeah! I wanna join club sports.
OK, great!
Now, folks, did you
have that $26 tryout fee?
Oh, well, we're just seeing
what it's all about first.
Yeah, that's a $26 fee.
Then we can talk about the club sports.
- [BEEP]
- OK, great!
So SACS was founded earlier this year.
I actually used to
own a branding company
called Cumhammer,
but when AI came along, nobody
needed branding companies
so I turned it into
an underwear company,
and that underwear company now sponsors
this amazing facility for kids!
Mom, Dad, please, I
really want to do this.
Tweek, I don't know if
we even have the time.
Well, that's just it, isn't it?
How much time are we
willing to take for our kids?
With the $26 fee, we could
just assess if this is right
for your child.
OK, fine.
OK, great. That'll be $26.
No, we paid the $26.
That was a different $26.
This is a $26 assessment fee.
[BEEP] OK, well, looking at your child,
I'd say he's good for club sports.
Assessment passed. Ready to move on?
How much more would we have to spend?
There's club dues, and
you have to purchase
officially licensed Cumhammer apparel,
but you have to think
of your child's future.
Without this, he probably
won't get into college.
Ah-ha!
All these other kids are doing it.
They're gonna leave him in the dust,
and he's gonna have no future at all.
He'll be dead in a ditch.
Wha-ha-ha!
Well, I-I guess we could try it.
All right!
Let's get some paperwork going,
get you guys fitted, and
he can start club sports
tomorrow morning!
[ALARM BLARING]
Gah!
We gotta go!
[BIRDS TWEETING]
[YAWNS] God.
How much further is it?
It's a long way, Tweek.
Hey, folks, you made it!
You ready to go, Tweek?
Gah!
OK, you can park right
over there, folks.
It's just a $15 parking fee.
But SACS gets a discount,
so it's just 10 bucks
if you go through us.
[BEEP]
Come right on in this way.
Oh, did you folks want to come in too?
Well, yes, what else
are we supposed to
OK, it's just a $20 spectator fee
for your wristbands.
[BEEP]
All right, we're gonna
get the kids warmed up.
Why don't you folks head up to the bar?
Hey, Craig!
Tweek?
Yeah. I joined the club, Craig.
Why?
Y-you're not excited to see me?
Yes, I'm extremely excited to see you.
You don't sound very excited.
I never sound excited.
[WHISTLE BLARES]
All right, guys, come
on, let's get ready!
Now, before we start this big day,
is everyone wearing Cumhammer underwear?
ALL: Yes.
OK, great, now let's get my
A tier level kids over here,
and my B tier kids over there.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you're
B tier, there, Tweek.
You gotta get on that side.
I don't want you guys mixing
with the B tier kids, all right?
They suck. Fuck those kids.
Oh, hey, guys.
We heard Tweek joined club sports.
Yeah, we didn't know it
would be this far of a drive.
Yes, well, we all have
to sacrifice for our kids.
OK, great job, parents!
Really good turnout this morning.
OK, now everyone
back in your cars!
We're gonna get to Castle
Pines for the next one!
Come on, let's go! Get
those kids to the next one!
Don't let them get left behind!
Whoa, whoa, wait, we're leaving?
The kids haven't played anything.
What do you mean?
We're playing right now.
Come on, you gotta get
your kid to the next thing!
Let's go, go, go!
Yay-yay ♪
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
- Uh-huh ♪
- Come on, Tweek.
- [TWEEK GRUNTS]
- Uh-huh ♪
Where's it say we're supposed to go?
Uh, I think it's the next highway.
♪
We be clubbin' ♪
Great job, Mom and Dad!
They're just doing $6 parking here.
- [BEEP]
- Get your club on ♪
- We clubbin' ♪
- OK, yellow wrist band
for spectators.
- [BEEP]
- Yay-yay ♪
We be clubbin' ♪
All right, let's go, South America!
Come on, we gotta get to Thorton.
We be clubbin' ♪
37 miles, then get on C-470.
Ah-ha!
Get your club on ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
- Yay-yay ♪
All right, let's get that parking.
[BEEP]
Purple wristbands? Who
needs purple wristbands?
- Get your club on ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
Listen, I don't even want you looking
at those B tier kids, OK?
Fuck them. They're fucking terrible.
OK, gotta check in to
the motel, moms and dads!
We be clubbin' ♪
Come on, Dad. Come on, Dad.
Check in to that motel!
I-I think we're just
gonna sleep at home.
Doesn't matter. You gotta stay to play.
Come on, Dad! Club sports! Club sports!
Get your club ♪
We be clubbin' ♪
- [BEEP]
- Yay-yay ♪
- We be clubbin' ♪
- [BEEP]
You got those keys? OK, fuck those keys.
You don't need 'em.
Let's get to Evergreen!
Get this special merchandise!
Come on, get that merchandise!
Let's go, South America!
South America, let's go!
- [ALARM BLARING]
- [BOTH SCREAMING]
- We gotta go! We gotta go!
- We gotta go!
- Tweek!
- Ahh!
We gotta get to Boulder!
Waah!
Electrolytes! Everyone
take electrolytes!
Tweek, electrolytes!
- Good job, Mom and Dad.
- [BEEP]
There's your parking.
OK, now turn around
and get to Fort Collins!
It's an hour that way! Go, go, go!
Oh!
Craig? Craig, I don't understand this.
W-we just keep driving
from town to town,
checking into hotel rooms,
and paying for stuff!
Yeah, dude, it's club sports.
It totally sucks. Why'd
you want to join this?
Well, because I thought I
could spend time with you.
I just want to do something to
you know, celebrate.
Well, you're in club sports now too,
so you're just as busy as me.
I think maybe we have the afternoon off
a week from Thursday.
We could try to do something then.
Whoa, whoa! What's going on, you two?
You're not supposed to be together.
You can't hang out with
the B tier kids, OK?
They're terrible. Just look at 'em.
No, don't actually look at
'em. They'll make you sick.
So how are you guys
liking club sports so far?
Oh, it's pretty exhausting.
This week we've had to wake
up at 5:00 in the morning
a few times and go
to 20 different towns.
Well, lucky your kid's just in B tier.
In A tier we've had
to get up at 3:30 a.m.
to get our kid to
training and dieticians
before driving to 30 different towns
and stay in 14 different hotel rooms.
Oh, you're so lucky
you only have one kid.
We spent the week getting
up at 2:00 in the morning
to get our three kids
to 50 different cities
and stay at 9 hotel
rooms at the same time.
I wish we could just drive
to 50 different cities.
We woke up every morning at
midnight to get our four kids
to 87 different hotel rooms
while we were still driving
so we could get our youngest to a meet
in a little town at
the top of Mount Evans.
Don't we wish we could
sleep until midnight?
I volunteer to run
concessions for the meetups
and my husband does the
video for the livestream,
so we've had to wake up
before we've had dinner
and drive to 120 different towns
and stay in 200 motel rooms
in the state of Nevada.
UBER MOM: Hey, guys!
Oh, God, it's the Bowers.
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted!
WE just drove our six kids
to 92 different cities,
got our youngest to a meet at
the bottom of the Grand Canyon,
and stayed at 46
hotels in one afternoon!
Yeah, yeah, you guys
are really good parents.
Well, I don't know about that,
but we did run all the concessions
and the streaming cameras in the
entire southeast United States.
It was crazy!
But who wouldn't do all
that for their kids, right?
Who wouldn't?
CRAIG: Tweek? Tweek, wait up.
- Hey, Craig.
- Tweek,
I think I owe you an apology.
I forgot something and
it was really important,
and I'm sorry.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I forgot my parents are driving
me to a hydrating seminar
a week from Thursday, so
I actually can't hang out.
What?
You don't care about anything, do you?
- What?
- Your parents say
you gotta do all this stuff
and you're just like
[GRUFF VOICE] OK, I guess
I just gotta do this now.
My name's Craig. Whatever.
I don't really care about anything.
Hey, knock it off. That's not cool.
[NORMALLY] Oh, you care about that?
[GRUFF VOICE] I thought Craig Tucker
didn't care about anything.
Whatever. It's fine.
- I don't sound like that.
- [GRUFF VOICE] "I don't sound like that."
It is what it is, Tweek.
If you feel like that, then
why are we even together?
[NORMALLY] You call
all this being together?
Hold on a second!
You guys are fucking gay?
We used to be best friends.
Yeah, we were best
friends for about a year!
Why didn't you tell me
you were fucking gay?
That can bring in big money!
Well, this changes everything!
I don't know how the
other parents do it, Helen.
All the money, all the time
we can't keep up with these club sports.
Richard, I think we might
have to face the fact that
we're just shitty parents.
Yeah, I guess we're just shitty parents.
But there's no way we can keep this up.
We've gotta cut our losses
and get back to coffee.
We're just gonna have to
break the news to Tweek
that he's not gonna have any future
and he'll probably get left behind.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, boy.
Hey, folks! How we doin'?
Wait, what? How how did
you get in the front door?
I have a wristband.
Got some really exciting
news, Mom and Dad!
Your son's just made triple A tier!
I brought you guys some free swag.
Some champagne.
And out in the car,
there's a year's supply
of Cumhammer underwear!
Look, I'm sorry, but we've decided
we don't have what it takes
to be club sports parents.
I don't think you understand.
Your son is triple A now!
So what is that?
More money?
No! No way!
Your son's a player, not a payer.
Look, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
There's something really
special about your child.
He's got a big future ahead of him.
And a child as elite as
yours, they're up here.
They're not payin' for stuff.
So then who pays for him?
All those other kids.
They're not players, they're payers.
Fuck those kids.
They're gonna pay your son's way.
The problem is, we have
a coffee shop to run.
Well, that's OK.
SACS is gonna get employees
to work your coffee shop for you too!
And you know who's gonna pay for it?
Those other fuckin' kids,
that's who's gonna pay for it.
All the parents and kids who
aren't great at this stuff,
fuck those kids!
This is triple A, guys.
You're in the big leagues now.
[ROCK MUSIC]
SACS LEADER: We all love our kids.
We all want what's best for them.
And in today's world,
all our children really need is SACS.
South American Club
Sports will give your child
the skills they need to succeed in life.
Skills like checking in to hotel rooms
while applying group rates,
managing frequent flier miles,
downloading parking
apps, and so much more.
Doesn't your child deserve to have SACS?
We are the one youth sports club
with all the very best young athletes.
And now South American
Club Sports even has
triple A members
Tweek and Craig!
Heated Rivalry!
Don't let your child miss out
on being a part of a winning team.
Just listen to what Tweek
and Craig have to say
about South America Club Sports.
♪
Come on, guys, what do you have to say
about South America Club Sports?
Hey, come on, gay guys.
You can be mad at each other,
but you gotta still work for the team.
Hey what are us A tier
kids supposed to do?
You're supposed to get outta here!
You can't be around triple A kids!
You guys fuckin' suck!
That doesn't feel very nice, sir.
I don't care! Go stare in the toilet
or something, you pieces of shit!
All right, come on, gay guys.
Just say, like, "SACS
builds confidence."
[LAUGHS] It's just been a crazy day!
We had to drive to the northeast,
work the concessions at 100 cities,
and check in to every
hotel room in Vermont.
Well, we had to get up
and fly to every airport in California.
Oh, yeah, poor you. [LAUGHING]
TWEEK'S MOM: Oh, hey, guys!
Oh, my God, we just got our itinerary
for triple A team!
It's crazy!
Mr. And Mrs. Tweek?
Yeah, as a triple A parent,
you really have to
sacrifice for your child.
We're about to go all over the world!
Itinerary's pretty crazy.
Every city in Europe followed by
3,000 hotels in the South Pacific,
accessible only by submersible
and that's just the first two days.
But you know, who wouldn't want
to sacrifice for their kids?
You fucking bitch.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
- Come on, gay kids.
- [TOY SQUEAKS]
Come on, let's see some enthusiasm.
[TOY SQUEAKS]
Can't you just be happy that
we're in the same league now?
I'm happy.
I'm super happy.
No, you're not happy!
We're in triple A, so
now we're never gonna
have a free minute to do anything!
This is stupid.
I quit!
[DOOR SLAMS]
What the hell are you doin'?
You gotta go after him!
Just leave him alone.
He doesn't wanna do it.
Well, you gotta go
convince him to do it!
I can put you on B
team like that, Craig.
And all the money your parents spent
will be for nothin'!
Now go get him!
Damn it.
Tweek, please don't leave
Why, Craig?
Because you need me
to make triple A tier?
Yes.
And because I want you around.
If you wanted me around,
you never would have
joined this in the first place.
You joined it too.
Yes, to be with you!
But all it does is
completely consume your life!
I don't understand why
you'd want to do it!
Because I am freaking out, OK?
They told me I wouldn't have a future!
They said I would get left behind
and that I wouldn't
get into college and
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
What if I don't achieve anything?
What what if everyone
else is better than me?
What if I'm not pushing
myself to have a future,
- and competing to
- Craig, Craig!
It's OK.
You gotta calm down, man.
I didn't know you were feeling all this.
But trust me
I know exactly what it's like.
You can't let them get to you.
It's OK to just be a kid for a while
and enjoy the little things.
Oh, shit, I forgot our
anniversary, didn't I?
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's OK, Craig.
No, it's not.
You make me happier
than anyone in the world.
I don't know what happened to me.
I do.
You got swindled by a fat con man
who played into your anxieties.
And then that played into mine.
But I'm gonna be
hopeful about our future.
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
Hey, where you going?
You're triple A!
Don't get left behind!
Love can heal ♪
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
♪
Love can heal ♪
♪