The Simpsons s32e18 Episode Script

1
D'oh.
D'oh.
Here's the story
Of a fat cat
That no one
Really liked
His name is Monty
He's an old rat, ha.
And he's sleepin'
Bad tonight.
Everybody hates me.
Sir, your personal chef is
here with your breakfast.
Voilà. One raisin,
wrinkles ironed and smoothed,
with one molecule of sugar.
Too sharp. It could cut me to ribbons.
Release the hounds.
No, you need a wine pairing.
Cabernet, to bring out my earthiness.
Cordon bleu!
Smithers,
I need real food.
Something that'll stick to my rib.
What is that delicious smell?
Um, uh, this is my lunch.
My wife just gave me a salad,
but she said I could
choose my own dressing,
so I picked this hamburger.
Hmm.
Seems to be some sort
of meat with a slice
of James Lewis Kraft's
confectionary cheese on top
and a kind of catsup blended
with a well-naised egg
in the style of Mayon.
I'll never let go.
I must have more of these,
uh What do you call them?
Hamburgers.
You're eating people from Hamburg?
I don't know. Maybe.
Mmm.
Sir, uh, we need to
be cautious about this.
It's not healthy for a man
to double his weight within a day.
Triple!
No!
My heart! This could be
my last moment on Earth.
If so, fire someone and let me watch.
Someone who just bought a house.
Smithers.
Oh, thank God you're alive.
And famished.
Do they serve burgers in this joint?
No, sir. Eating meat could kill you.
Eh, no one lives forever.
Except Dick Cheney. What's his deal?
Sir, you nearly died.
I nearly died? How was the reaction?
Well, when they heard you were dying
He's alive.
Aw.
People don't like me.
They really don't. Why?
You've released the hounds on
nearly everyone in town, sir.
Everyone loves dogs, Smithers.
It must be something else.
Um, if you're ready, come.
- The cue will be "life."
- Hmm.
Smithers, this means that no
one will mourn me when I'm gone.
My only legacy will
be the extra radiation
on every drop of water on Earth.
- Don't give up, sir.
- No, I give up.
Don't give up.
- I give up.
- Don't give up.
I give up.
- Don't give up.
- Seriously,
I give up.
Will you listen to me for one minute?
Sir, I figured out a
way to add to your legacy
and extend your life.
The professor here
has used exotic plants
to develop what I think
is the healthiest, tastiest
meatless burger ever.
You could eat as many as you want
and we can sell them at a profit.
- Aw.
- Not here. Not here, please.
I've told you about this.
Oh, do you know how Edison felt
on that incredible, magical night?
When he invented the light bulb?
No. The electric chair.
That's how I feel now.
Smithers, this could change my legacy.
People have to like the person
who made them live longer.
They have to.
What are you saying, sir?
I'm going to make it
to what I never thought possible:
beloved after death.
Look at me, world.
We'll do a sneak preview
of your burger chain
and then a grand opening
of a thousand stores across the country.
Now all we need is a name.
Excellent.
You've done it again, sir.
We're here to cover
the sneak preview of our new sponsor,
X-Cell-Ent Burger.
I I'm just getting word
Springfield Dam has ruptured
and water is roaring down.
We'll let the, uh, sad news cover that.
I'm here live at
Aah!
He was a good reporter,
great parking spot.
Uh, but let's move
on from grief to beef.
The first paying customer to
taste the X-Cell-Ent Burger
will be
Number 43.
- Aw.
- That's me.
But I warn you,
I've had every
plant-based meat ever made:
Phony Baloney, Not Wurst,
Faux Foie Gras,
Corned Beets On Rye,
and Ghost Beef.
Good luck pleasing me.
So, what do you think?
It tastes great!
And no animal has
passed gas in its making.
This burger might just save the world.
Oh. Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're letting me cut the line?
Oh, thank you.
I don't have to cook.
I can finally teach Maggie to talk.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Mm, mm.
Praise, praise something I've craved
since I was a little boy.
I drew this picture of
you hugging me, Mummy.
I don't like art that lies.
Oh, and by the way, your father's dead.
There's just one more thing we need.
A spokesman.
If we find a regular slob who loves it,
we can start a chain reaction.
Just like, uh, ooh
Nuclear fission?
Is that how that works? Really? Heh.
Now to find our slob.
My card.
Smithers, keep your nods to yourself.
Yes, sir.
Since we're using a green screen,
do I have to be this high up?
- We need the chance of death.
- Before we film,
we need you to sign this contract
stating that what you
publicly say about our product
is limited to certain catchphrases.
Approved phrases limited to
"yes ve-gan,"
"I guaran-tree it,"
"abso-lettuce,"
and the "meat beater."
Every one of those has two meanings.
Your ad guys are geniuses.
If I could be a fly on the wall
Uh-oh. My kids!
Oh, I got to put all
these kids through garbage?
Now, listen, if you break this contract,
we'll release the hounds,
who will bite you here,
here, here and here.
And here in triplicate.
Okay, Homer, let's try a take.
Action.
They say I'm eating healthy.
They say I'm saving the planet.
But here's my secret:
it tastes like it was scared to die.
The X-Cell-Ent Burger
coming soon to a
location near you.
The fate of the world
is in your mouth.
With all these commercials,
I'm afraid your father's
going to need bigger pants.
Alexa, do you have any X-X-X-X-
X-X-X-XL in stock?
I found XLN stock.
How much would you like to buy?
Um, I-I don't know.
How's ten pairs?
Submitting order for a
thousand shares of XLN stock.
Please confirm.
- Confirm?
- Ignoring question mark.
Buy order executed.
Oh, no. Maggie. I accidentally bought
X-Cell-Ent Burger stock.
Alexa, sell those stocks.
Ordering yellow socks.
You get everything wrong.
We'll switch to Siri.
Siri enabled.
You sound like Alexa.
Oh.
X-Cell-Ent Burger.
Well, they seem to be succeeding.
But I'd feel awful if the stock went
Up? It just went up.
We made money!
Seven hundred dollars!
What I could buy with that money.
Now it's down. Down $200.
Up again.
Down again.
The grand opening's in a
week, sir, and the reviews
couldn't be better.
-
- Hmm. Smithers, I'm a hero.
Like that guy who
landed the plane safely.
Sully Sullenberger?
No, no, no, no. Rudolf Hess.
Smithers, a toast.
On it, sir.
I think you've had enough, sir.
Yes. Yes. I'll I'll sleep it off.
If it goes up another ten cents,
we're a thousand dollars ahead.
We've never been
a thousand dollars ahead.
Never. Ooh
Tonight on Smartline:
The Burger Wars.
They won't give me a raise,
but they can blow the bank
on graphics like that.
Leading up to its national rollout,
X-Cell-Ent Burger's success
is destroying its competitors,
who are trying to overcome
a terrific new product
with desperate publicity stunts.
Attempting to piggyback
on Burger King's success
by changing its name during
Pride Month to "Burger Queer,"
Krusty has introduced his own product:
the L.G.B.T.Q.B.L.T.
How could a ploy this
cynical and shameless fail?
Mel, you're three of those letters.
Where did I go wrong?
Your product is inferior.
Your marketing is offensive.
And you have more ex-wives
than franchise locations.
What happened to kiss-ass Mel
who was afraid of my shadow?
I joined an empowerment group
with the monkey and the cue card guy.
Aw, geez. My hero's a loser.
Mr. Burns is gonna drive
Krusty out of business,
unless we stop him.
No. Burns is doing something good.
I know it in my gut.
The Earth is on his side.
Thank you. I love you all.
Disperse them before we get back.
Rubber bullets, if necessary.
It's so wonderful to be be-liked.
Finally, I can join the club
that rejected me so many times.
Welcome, welcome.
All the other beloved
billionaires are here.
There's Warren Buffet,
there's Bill Gates,
and that's it.
Mark Zuckerberg, you get out of here.
No! You can't threaten me.
I know all about you.
You're currently single,
you haven't been poked
in five years, and I love those pictures
from your vacation to Baja,
where we both know your
boyfriend dumped you.
Those were set to private.
Right. "Private."
I think I know what Burns is up to.
His so-called vegan burgers
contain wait for it.
- Are you waiting?
- Mm-hmm.
Here it is: meat.
What are you saying?
All this time I've been eating meat?!
Aah! Ew, ah, ah!
Oh, no, that's why I grew an inch.
Just a theory.
Do you believe that?
No. I just wanted the
rest of your burger.
I don't want to see what's inside.
Nerd.
Mm-hmm.
Yep. Just as I thought.
He's using plants.
Aw, crap.
Not meat. Burns is
doing the right thing.
This is kind of scary,
like putting on a wet bathing suit.
Wait a minute. Those
plants look unusual.
They're all endangered plants
from the Amazon rainforest.
We have to tell Burns.
He already knows. He's evil.
No. I refuse to believe
that someone can't change
for the better, even
though I can't think
of a single example
of that ever happening.
- Mr. Burns?
- Yes, children.
What do you want?
Um, we came to tell you something
that's maybe a little hard to hear.
- Mm?
- Uh-huh.
I'm sorry to have to inform you
that your attempt to do good
is doing very, very bad.
Leave me alone.
Oh, for God's sake.
- Finally.
- Mr. Burns.
Release the hounds.
You mean these hounds?
Let's be clear, young lady.
I'm not going to listen to you.
I'm never going to listen to you,
and I have sophisticated technology
to ensure that happens.
Buy, buy, buy!
Then, when you hear a rumor of trouble,
sell before anyone else!
I'll be out of here in four months!
Oh, what happened to you?
Come over here. What is it, baby?
We have to think of a way to
shut X-Cell-Ent Burger down.
But what about the shareholders?
What? Sharehol Ew.
Ew, ew, ew!
No, no, no!
More money for Marge.
Oh! Oh!
- Dad, you're my last hope.
- Mm?
Tomorrow's the national launch.
If X-Cell-Ent Burger succeeds,
by the year 2080,
the entire Amazon
I'm talking the lungs of the planet
will be gone.
Lisa, I'm sorry to put it on you,
but every generation
has its to-do list.
Yours is putting Miami on stilts,
inventing new bees,
and learning to peacefully
live with fire tornadoes.
You're not gonna help fight Burns?
I've learned one thing in life:
don't bite the bony,
withered claw that feeds you,
even if there's delicious marrow inside.
What was this about again?
You won't help save the Earth.
No, I won't.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
I sleep fine, little lady!
Cheesy McMayor! Jack in the Bag!
Guys, my company is doing something bad.
Should I tell the world?
Look what eating only my
own food has done to me.
Look at me!
You're a spokesman
For a franchise
That's clear-cutting
Left and right
You have sold out
All your values
I won't let you
Sleep tonight.
Once again, dreams have taught me
more than all the books ever written.
I know what I have to do.
What's going on? Why is everyone baring
- their teeth at me?
- They're smiling, sir.
They can't wait to see you.
Oh. Uh, just so I know,
to be considered good
I now have to continue
doing good things?
- Yes.
- Ah.
That's why Jesus retired at 33,
without a fast-food
franchise to his name,
except maybe Chick-fil-A.
Well, let's get on with
my ascension into sainthood, Smithers.
I'm gonna bring them down.
Are you sure? Think of the shareholders.
- For once, I say damn the shareholders.
- Mm
Simpson. After the announcement,
there will be questions
from the audience,
but like our burgers,
the questioners will be
entirely made up of plants.
I'm ready.
And you do remember your
non-disclosure agreement?
I believe it said
something to the effect of
I was limited to certain
words and phrases,
and I couldn't make obscene
gestures with my hands.
Or
- Crotch.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
Mr. Simpson will now take questions.
Yes. The little girl in the mustache.
Thank you, sir.
Is it true that X-Cell-Ent Burgers
are made of plants from the rainforest?
Abso-lettuce.
Uh-huh. And what are the chances
that your product will help lead
to the destruction of the planet?
I guaran-tree it.
Using legal loopholes
to tell us the truth.
A supersize admission
in the burger wars.
Have we been fed an
order of lies, or worse
curly lies?
Good God, I'm hungry.
I did it again. I won by doing nothing.
That's my hero.
Always will be.
Round up some more donkeys.
We're in the burger business again.
Mom, I'm so conflicted.
You're conflicted?
I feel like someone who knew
a stock was about to crash,
sold it before that happened,
and kept a thousand dollars.
What are you saying?
Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
This is the time
he really needs you to look at him.
- Sir. You're happy.
- Yes.
Because I'm no longer
crushed by morality.
I gave it a nice go
almost a full month
but in the end, evil always wins.
Would you like to go
to a school for the blind
and convince them aliens have landed?
Mm. I'd like that.
You listened
To your conscience, kapow
And now you're
Feelin' fine
And you're dreamin'
Of me singin'
'Cause you drank
Two-dollar wine.
Tell me when it hurts.
It hurt from the beginning!
Shh.