The Simpsons s33e01 Episode Script

1
Mmm. When I die,
we should totally get
this sandwich place
for my memorial.
So good. Mmm. Can't wait.
Oh, all these people loved Mr. Chase.
His students are taking it so hard.
Yeah, nobody grieves like theater kids.
(WAILING)
(MARGE GASPS)
This is my show!
Why are they singing about computers?
It was a musical about Y2K,
which was very scary back then.
Scarier than anything we have now.
The whole show takes
place on New Year's Eve,
- 1999
- Five, four, three
Two, zero, zero, zero
A midnight countdown to Y2K
Five, four, three,
two, will I be a zero?
When tomorrow becomes today.
Mom, which one are you?
I was right over here.
In the wings, calling all the shots
as the stage manager.
Mrs. Chase, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Say, look what I found
when I was cleaning out
- Franklin's office.
- (GASPS)
My prompt book.
This binder lists all the cues
for the entire production.
Oh, Franklin always said you
were the heart of the show
that your stage managing
was so zealous.
I definitely ran a tight ship.
But in a fun way
everyone loved, obviously.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Super fun.
Of course, I would have loved
to have been in the show,
except I'm not much of a singer.
But in my imagination,
I've got the voice of a Disney princess.
Oh What a special time.
I'd give anything to
feel that magic again.
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
Script notes and sound cues
Take me there again
In my blacks in the
backs of the wings
So I'm not seen
No one knows the magic
That hides behind the scenes
(REGULAR VOICE): It's me!
The cast said yes!
We're putting on a musical!
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
Places, everybody
It's time to start the show
That's what actors
need me to say
Otherwise, they wouldn't
know where to go
Cinch up the hemlines
Sound check all the mics
Close the door, ring the bell
And bring down the house lights
It's curtains up
for Marge Bouvier
'Cause I'm once again the star
Of the backstage
Wow, you're the director?
(REGULAR VOICE): No, more important
the stage manager.
- Ah!
- Five minutes, guys!
- Thank you, five.
- Five minutes.
I always used to love
saying that, before
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
The endless loads of laundry
The dishes piled high
The whining and complaining
- It's mine
- It's mine
- BOTH: It's mine
- (REGULAR VOICE): Enough!
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
I'm returning to my theater family
A revival of our
fondest memories
- Singin'
- Do
- Re
- Mi
- This Show
- Will be
The talk of the town
A hit, a smash, the rage
And there's nothing
Springfield needs more
Than a play
(REGULAR VOICE): Good!
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
'Cause I'm once again the
Appreciated, well-respected,
never, ever disconnected
Nothing but the most impressive
Everybody's dearest friended
Star
Of the backstage
She's the star,
see how she shines
She answers when
we call for lines
Places, everybody!
Wow, honey,
those dorks are so excited to be
in your show again.
And I will do everything
I can to support you
while I'm at Moe's.
Mwah.
Sorry, Marge,
but I got to drop out of the show.
I broke my hip while singing and dancing
about feeling young again.
Say, Dad,
what if you filled in for Lenny
and joined Mom's musical?
Yeah, then you'd be the most
supportive husband ever.
Great idea, kids.
I'm all in, babe!
One pair of super tight
dance pants, please!
(LAUGHING)
From this day forward, we are enemies.
Forever and ever.
Forever.
MARGE: Okay,
back on stage
it's just like we're teenagers again.
Now let's start the rehearsal.
Theater!
Wait, we can't start without Sasha Reed.
- She was the star of the show.
- Mm-hmm.
She got into Julliard.
(SIGHS)
Sasha. (CHUCKLES)
You never forget your first diva.
I'd love to know what she's been up to.
Well, as your dutiful stage manager,
I did reach out repeatedly,
but never heard back.
I guess we'll never know what happened
after Sasha left little old Springfield
for New York City.
WOMAN: Never say never!
Hello, old friends!
Ah! It's Sasha!
Let me tell you all about it.
It was a cold and rainy morning
When I exited the bus
I stepped into the city
Everyone in such a rush
I suppose I started singing
Just to keep the chill at bay
I guess I sounded something like
This
And that's when
I heard a man say
"That tone, that pitch
"Your voice'll make us rich
Stick with me,
and you'll be destined to impress"
And that's how Sasha became
A massive success
Yes, Sasha
Is a massive success
(EXCLAIMING)
Now I dine on the veranda
With Lin-Manuel Miranda
Scrape meat off the
bone with Patti LuPone
Don't mention Glenn Close
I eat Bananas Foster
With my good friend
Sutton Foster
Thanks to Stephen Sondheim,
who's the most gracious host
Yes, I'm everything
you thought I'd be
When I left Springfield
for the big city
I've made it,
I'm a cut above the rest
'Cause Sasha has returned
A massive
Success
That's right
I'm a Broadway
Star!
Oh, I can't believe Sasha came back.
What a career!
I know a famous person
that knows what's his name,
who is she, and never heard of him!
Okay, okay, everybody.
It's so exciting that
Sasha is a massive success,
but we really need to
walk through our blocking.
Let's make it precise, gang!
Blocking, so important.
That's what Hal always told me.
Hal Prince.
Boom! Named it!
But before we get into
the technical stuff,
we need to reconnect as an ensemblé.
Let's all go to my lake
house and do trust falls.
But we have to carve out
some time to run lines.
(CHUCKLES) Marge Bouvier,
you have not changed a bit.
Okay, Mom, we'll run lines,
but don't wait up for us.
Us? What do you mean?
This bonding session is for the cast.
You understand, right?
Oh.
Sure. Of course.
Come on, friends! (LAUGHS)
I was wrong.
Theater kids are super cool.
Thanks for the hookup, honey.
How will I stay alive?
When all
The computers think I died?
- How will I
- How will I
Stay alive
When all the clocks
and the computers
Think I died?
Okay, the curtain-raiser
went a smidge long,
so stay on your marks next time.
- Take five!
- Thank you, five.
Anyway, I hope you all remember
the best part of rehearsal
is brownies!
Are those Margie's Brownies
with walnuts and M&Ms?
It's true, I do matter.
Look what else I'm included in.
It's all from our shows.
We were such a tight-knit group.
Remember the tightness of the knitting?
(INHALES) There's my old guitar pick.
Oh, I haven't played
guitar since I lost this!
Still works!
Oh, man, this takes me back
Remember, guys?
Bonfires at Billy's
We'd talk about our dreams
We'd get drunk and make out, ha
Cause a scene
Remind me who Billy was again?
You know Billy.
Late nights at the diner
We'd laugh and we'd cry
Right. Uh-huh. The diner.
Smoking clove cigarettes
Ruthie serving us cheese fries
Is that why you guys always smelled
like burnt cinnamon?
Climbing the water tower
Drunk on whiskey sours
Stealing the Lard Lad sign
- That was you guys?
- Yeah.
Remember the times
The best times
Of our lives
We had nothing but times
Remember the times
Okay, I might've missed some
of those specific moments,
but I'm sure I'll remember
all the other ones.
What else?
The kegger at Marge's
What an epic night
Wait, there was a party at my house?
Where was I?
She was at a tech run-through
Nowhere in sight
Guys, that's like, pretty messed up.
Oh, yeah
I was at that super
killer party, too
You weren't even in the show.
Yeah, but I was cool
(GRUNTS)
Lenny fell off the roof
- What?
- Marge's parents got sued
And had to file for bankruptcy
Is that why I couldn't
go away to college?
Remember the time
When Jackie died
Wait, I thought Jackie moved.
- No one saw the signs
- (GASPS)
Together we cried
And then we made
it about ourselves
When the reporter came
- What?!
- He worked for The Times
Which one?
The New York Times
Such timey times
How'd I miss all of this?
We were all together.
Except me.
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
Script notes and sound cues
- They never saw me as a friend
-
In my blacks in the
backs of the wings
- I was unseen
-
- So much for the magic
-
- No one wants old Marjorie.
-
-
- (SOBBING)
(REGULAR VOICE):
I was unpopular and never knew!
All my best memories are ruined.
I wish I had never done
this stupid musical again.
As soon as Sasha showed up,
it was like I didn't exist.
I never liked that Sasha Reed.
Taking pop out of the
fridge without asking
getting us sued
Of course! It's all Sasha's fault.
Someone ought to teach that
Broadway big shot a lesson.
Mom, do you still have a computer?
(DIAL-UP MODEM WHINING)
Last night I made some very
interesting discoveries,
requiring the printing
of a revised playbill.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE):
I'll refer you to page three
To an updated biography
Of which you must see
Certain to change your view
Of the beloved ingenue
Sasha! Poof
The truth
She's never been in a
Broadway musical or play?
She was never in Pippin,
Show Boat, or Cabaret?
She didn't sign autographs
at a stage door-a?
She worked at the
Herald Square Sephora?
Lost hope, gave up
and moved the day
She didn't get a
callback for Hairspray
She's a fraudway baby
A phony, a fake
She ain't got what it takes
She's a fraudway baby
She doesn't know Sutton Foster
This broad's an imposter
She's had you wrapped
around her finger
For days
But she's nothing but
a hair-extentioned
Makeup-slinging, Botox-forehead
Lying, cheating
Baby fraudway
So you don't know the people
you said you knew but who are they?
Marge Bouvier, you're
mean!
(SOBBING)
Well, I'm sure you're all
as angry at Sasha as I am,
but now we can wipe the slate clean
and really come together
as a theater family.
Without Sasha, there's no show.
You ruined everything, you techie!
But, w-w-wait. She made it all up.
She's a liar!
I think this is the kind of thing
that makes people not want
to invite you to stuff.
(GROWLS)
Stupid, ungrateful cast.
Did you sleep at all last night?
"We don't care that Sasha's a liar."
"We still love her more than you."
Mo-om! Bart replaced my Kashi cereal
with woodchips from the hamster cage!
So? You didn't notice till I told you.
- (GROWLS)
- (YELPS)
- What's wrong with Mom?
- Well, kids, your mother has
severely pissed off
all the theater weirdos
of which I am now one
but she can't see it's her fault.
So are you gonna tell her?
Indeed I am,
and there's only one way to do it.
When your partner's in a tizzy
Flossing till she's dizzy
Clearly in the wrong,
but certain she's right
It's your responsibility
To imply her culpability
In a way that doesn't
instigate a fight
- (GRUMBLES)
- Whoops.
Don't escalate the situation
Or add further complication
Mince your words,
so as never to encroach
Deliver your advice
But make sure to do it nice
For it's best to use
a delicate approach
Marge, darling
Leave me alone!
Marge, listen! I'm being delicate!
Oh, are you?
Now, I know you may think
you were just in your actions
But it makes my heart sink
to see your infractions
Your feelings were hurt,
but it's malice you blurt
Your transaction
compels a retraction
Oh, you're right, Homie.
It's all my fault.
I did the one thing a stage
manager must never do:
I put myself before the show.
You see, kids?
It's best to use a delicate
Approach.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
I have to make things right.
You need to let me see
the cast-only text chain.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's really not cool for me to share it.
Plus, you wouldn't get any of the jokes.
You might want to skip over the stuff
with your name in it.
Sasha hasn't left town.
There's still time.
(SNIFFLES)
Why would Marge do that to me?
I was never mean to her.
I never even talked to her!
Yeah, we don't care
that you only sell makeup
and that you're a huge liar.
I miss high school.
Remember the night of the cast party?
You and me in the hot tub?
That night really happened?
I thought I imagined it.
It was real.
And I've never had better.
(GRUNTS) Ah
Sasha! Sasha, I'm so sorry.
Once my husband sang and danced to me
about what I did, I felt terrible.
I acted like such a crazy teenager.
All I wanted to do was
recapture my glory days,
when I could've become anything
instead of what I really am,
a floor manager at Sephora.
(SIGHS)
Sales associate.
I guess we both wanted
to be stars again.
There she is.
Probably called us here
to expose the lies the rest of us put
in our playbill bios.
What lies?
I am "thrilled to reprise my role
as Steve/Ensemble."
I was supposed to manage the stage,
but instead I just managed
to screw everything up.
But there's still time
to put on the best show
of the latter part of our lives.
What do you say?
Should we give it a try?
Oh, why should we?
What has trying ever gotten anyone?
I could've been a crooner
Star of stage and screen
But I'd just as sooner
Drink away my dream
- Never try.
- SASHA: Stop!
That's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.
Barney, nobody needs to do
this show more than you.
Except me!
- (CHEERING)
- Yay!
It's a full house, so
Places, everybody.
Marge, when I'm onstage
and it's not my turn to talk,
- can I look at my phone?
- No.
It's almost midnight.
What's going to happen?
Oops. Five, four
Three, two, one!
- (CHEERING)
- So the show just ends?
What a cop-out!
At least at the end
of Rent you get to see
Mimi come back to life.
This is just lazy.
-
- (CHEERING)
Marge, thanks for reminding me
how good it feels
to be a big fish in a small pond.
I guess that's why you never left.
Actually, I think it was
because my parents
couldn't afford college
after a lawsuit from a party
you threw at my house
but didn't invite me to.
Such timey times.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God, it's really her.
It's Marge Bouvier.
Just ask her.
Um, would you sign my prompt bible?
We copied yours.
You know me?
You're a stage-managing icon!
Would you go to the diner with us?
We'd die to hear some of your stories.
Invited to the diner.
I'm getting cheese fries!
Cast party at Marge's house!
- (SASHA LAUGHS)
- BARNEY: All right!
KIRK: Theater!
Y2K CAST: Five, four, three,
two, zero, zero, zero
A new millennium
But who will I be?
Five, four, three, two
Way too many zeros
What will the computers
Do to me?
Will there be blackouts?
Chaos?
Motherboards exploding?
Glitches and crashes?
A run on the banks?
Will I have a mortgage?
A family? A boy and a girl?
What happens to a two-digit soul
In a four-digit world?
Shh!