The Simpsons s33e07 Episode Script

1
This just in
Chief, I think that madman who shot up
the Lard Lad knows where Homer is.
Look, he dropped this on his way out.
Have you been crying?
It's just so horrible.
Mr. Burns? The Disco Guy?
Fat Tony?
Look what they did to
my beautiful goombah.
I can't ever eat a donut again.
Chief, pull yourself together.
My husband is still missing.
And I hate to say it,
but I think Ned Flanders
has something to do with this.
Open your eyes, Marge.
If Homer's mixed up in this,
he's probably a cruller by now.
Satan himself has come to this town,
and I'm not man enough to take him on.
If you see Lou,
tell him Eddie's chief now.
The killer's driving
the Rich Texan's car.
Hmm
Police describe the mysterious assailant
as a grim metaphor for a
universe without justice.
That's the may-diddly-aniac
who's got Homer.
How am I gonna come up with that ransom?
I can't do a GoFundMe for a kidnapping.
There's too many of those already.
Oh, Granddad,
I donated that money to the orphans
in honor of your decency, but
now I need it back.
How'd all that cash get
in that tree anyway?
I want my haircut to look
just as square as yours, Paw Paw.
Careful there, barber.
I wouldn't want you to nick the neck
of the town's favorite sheriff.
The Szyslak brothers.
Hey, hey,
we don't want no trouble, fellas.
Someone call the zoo,
the ape house is missing
its ugliest baboons.
You got no call pointing
out our ugliness.
That's why it's time you
got what's coming to you.
Cy, take the boy outside.
You got something for me?
Let me have it.
Ah, my favorite time of day,
bribe o'clock.
Ooh, and thicker than usual.
That's what I came to tell you.
We made a deal with
the Capital City Mob.
We're slinging amphetamines now.
That's right, "Brain fizz."
"Trucker's milk."
"Texas Teeth looseners."
Long as I get my cut,
I don't care if you sell rat crap
and call them Milk Duds.
Now, Slocum, I've got
a sterling reputation to uphold.
You mind if I punch one of your brothers
through this plate glass window?
Nah, take your pick.
Paw Paw,
you're the finest man I'll ever know.
Yes, I am, Neddy.
They call me Good Time Charlie
Playboy with a whole lot of soul
I said, they call me
Good Time Charlie
Playboy with a whole lot of soul
I'm the last of the
big-time spenders
I keep a pocket full of gold
Whoa!
Put on your red dress, baby.
Enough sucking on that toad, Sheriff.
- Hmm?
- Time to earn your keep.
Gentlemen, your primo crank
is selling like meth on speed.
Just give it to our numbers guy.
One hundred seventy-three thousand,
two hundred and
ninety-six dollars.
Yeah, that's even more money
back now in the early '70s.
Which made me wonder,
why should we share?
Uh uh
Oh, God, all right, fellas,
why don't we all relax
and put down our crazy
assortment of weapons?
I'm talking to you,
Mr. Dynamite Nunchucks.
The tiniest little thing
could turn this standoff
into a bloodbath.
Oh, shoot.
Dear Lord, you know me,
I'm a good time Charlie,
but if you see fit to save my hide,
I promise to become the kind of
man my grandson can be proud of.
Hmm?
My whole family, they're dead.
I don't got to share this with no one.
Sorry, God, but hey,
you can only send me to Hell once.
Hmm? Hmm.
Fellas, Sheriff Flanders here.
The money, where is it?
Okay, hey, okay.
Easy, friend.
It's all yours, I promise.
Just don't
Ah
Oh, come on.
So frustrating.
Well, there goes my life.
Oh, Paw Paw,
I've lived my whole life trying
to be as fine a man as you,
but Homer Simpson's gonna die
unless I do the unthinkable:
steal back the money I
gave to these orphans.
We love you, Mr. Flanders!
Oh, Colette.
There appears to be a
trail of rose petals
leading to the master bath.
I wonder who could've left them there?
Oh, come now. You're still cross?
For the last time,
we can't just turn down jobs
because it's our anniversary.
Wait, you international
psychos are married?
That's none of your concern,
you shorn sheep.
Huh?
Tell him, how many year?
How many year?
Ten years of wedded bliss.
Each year sweeter than the last.
Not one vacation.
We don't get to take vacations
if we don't take jobs.
It's called math, darling.
Hm, wow,
if I said something that sexist,
my wife would be furious.
You see? Even the dead man knows.
Look, the best marriage advice
I ever got was,
"If you're thinking it, just say it."
Really?
Then I should tell her that every day
she becomes more and more
like her mother.
My mother was twice the
assassin you will ever be.
What did Dr. Pam say
about acting on anger?
You tell her, Irish guy.
Go for the eyes, Frenchie.
Whoever wins was right all along.
- Hey!
- Oh!
Uh, guys? There's a little fire
situation in the kitchen here.
Okay, you're communicating honestly,
which is great.
What say we focus on
achievable goals as a couple,
like putting out this fire?
Phew.
D'oh!
- Ah!
- Never go to bed angry?
Cuddling doesn't always lead to sex?
You're not just married killers,
you're homicidal best friends.
Happy anniversary?
Ah, you're a corker, my violent femme.
Aw, I knew you crazy kids
could make it work.
Now, we should probably
get out of here before the
You guys okay?
The key to this safe
has to be here somewhere.
What in the blue heck
are you doing here?
Last I saw, you were judging
my God-given right to an open marriage.
Uh, Barb, I'm in serious trouble.
The thing is, uh
Fish or get off the hole, Mr. Flanders.
I haven't been able to get
that spiffy bod of yours
out of my dang-diddly mind.
Jumpin' jiminy.
You can do this, Neddy.
Just think about Homer Simpson.
Oh, Homie. I thought I'd lost you.
Oh, Marge, I'm so sorry.
I'll never be selfish again.
Whew! Wasn't that a brisk
walk around Lake How-do-ya-do?
I'm gonna get a Faygo
from the mini fridge.
Do you want one?
Uh, grape, if they have it.
That gosh darn thief.
Uff-da!
I got away with it.
I got away with
I'm sorry, God.
I-I just want Homer Simpson to be okay.
Oh, there he is.
Ned. Buddy. Let's get you out of there.
Ow!
Oh, I saved you.
You're finally mine.
I'm married to the most
selfish man in the world.
Everybody, all around,
look at this man.
He saved the orphans'
money and the flag.
Look at the burns on his saintly arm.
Oh, this husky gent is an American hero.
Not like that snake, Ned Flanders.
Why, he stole this money
after trying to seduce me
out of my happily-closed
marriage to Sideshow Mel.
Oh, uh That monster!
Where is he, so that I might thrash him?
He's right over
Hello, church chum.
I, um I don't have your money.
And I don't have your man.
Funny how things work out.
I committed every sin in the
book to get that money
except sloth, I guess
and now it's gone.
Money can be lost, Mr. Flanders,
but a debt never goes away.
I am coming to collect.
When you least expect it, expect it.
- You mean now?
- No, not now.
Well, you saying not now
makes me expect it more.
Look, this is the one time
you shouldn't expect it,
but every other time, do expect it.
Three years ago,
Homer Simpson risked his life
to save an orphanage's future.
And now,
I'm here to save your car's future.
Oil changes, alignment,
and brake pads, brake pads, brake pads.
All at Heroic Lube and Tire.
Where Route 4 meets
Disco Stu Memorial Drive.
Just look for the inflatable me.
Mr. Simpson, may I just say
it is an honor to get my
washer fluid from you.
Yo, can I get a selfie
with that gnarly arm?
What's it like to be married
to the most beloved man in Springfield?
Every day's better than the last.
Now come back soon
'cause you'll always
get a hero's welcome.
I get it.
"Hero." The word makes me
sick to my stomach.
I'll never forget seeing
you choose the money
instead of saving Ned. Never.
I wish I could explain, but I can't.
I would've left this
godforsaken marriage
years ago if it wasn't for the kids
- My special little guy!
- There he is.
Check it out.
I got my Online Citizenship badge
for being so polite on social media.
You're going to be the
youngest Eagle Scout in town.
Well, I am half hero.
I got 100 RSVPs to my birthday party.
They probably just want
to come to meet you.
Got some mail, Dad.
Why'd you get a blank
postcard from Wyoming?
Hm, that's weird.
Probably just junk.
Don't shoot, you little weirdos.
Daddy, it's Mr. Simpson.
Hiddly-ho, neighborino.
So, how are things
in good old Springfield?
Uh it's okay.
Jailbird got super religious.
And Marge hates me.
Our marriage is deader than Disco Stu.
All because I tried to
save that money's life
and not yours.
That money made sinners of us all.
Can I tell you something, Homer?
I wanted people to know I donated it.
I wanted the attention.
I brought all of this upon us.
We both suck.
Equally.
Oh, no. He's tracked you here.
No way. I took all the precautions,
even the mariachi Ferris wheel.
What is it, Homer?
A mistress? A secret family?
You'd better not be a sports podcaster.
Ned?
Don't be too sore at this fella, Marge.
Homer's been our lifeline up here:
food, shelter, books he thinks I'd like.
They certainly were a motley crew.
This is the most selfless
thing you've ever done,
and you didn't even tell anyone.
I couldn't say anything,
or Ned would be in danger.
There's this crazy psycho
who wants to kill him, and
Hey, you weren't followed here,
were you?
Great, more walking.
Homie, if we don't make it,
I need you to know that
you are a decent man,
and I love you.
No. I won't put you two
in any more danger.
I'm the one he wants.
- Okay. Bye.
- Phew. Good luck.
It's been a long time, Mr. Flanders.
Now, will you be paying your debt
in money or blood?
Blood it is.
Ah, balance.
Balance? Is that what
this blood-soaked rigmarole
has been all about? Why?
You ever hear the parable
of Lucifer and the millipede?
One day, a tiny
The end.
Oh, just kill me already.
I deserve it for stealing,
seducing, fibbing.
I tarnished the good name of my Paw Paw,
Sherriff Ned Flanders.
Your grandfather was dirtier
than a hobo's handkerchief.
Why, he even killed a man
in cold blood for that money.
No!
He was nothing but a good time Charlie.
I'll kill you!
Shh!