The Simpsons s36e13 Episode Script

1
[GRUNTS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
D'oh!
[GRUNTS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
HOMER:
This guy must be a pinball wizard!
I'm at work. D'oh!
Hmm, something feels different.
It's 11:00 a.m.
On a weekday.
I'm on my third beer.
Right on schedule.
No, wait, Homer's right.
Something's, uh, missing.
Wasn't there a grade from the
health inspector over there?
Nah, it's always been that sign.
[CHUCKLES] Next year I
hope they give me a "U."
I know what's missing.
Did a woman named Diane
used to work at this bar,
and now she's been replaced
by a woman named Rebecca?
If a woman named Diane had a
lead role in a bar like this,
why would she ever leave?
That'd be career suicide.
No, it's not some smart,
ambitious woman that's missing.
In fact,
it's the complete opposite of that.
[ALL] Barney!
No Barney? Wha?
When's the last time he was here?
- [RAT SQUEAKING, SCURRYING]
- Oh, oh, God!
He's been gone at least a week.
Hi, guys.
Beat it, string bean,
we're trying to figure out
what happened to our friend Barney.
I'm Barney.
Ta-da!
[VOCALIZING]
And you ain't Barney.
Barney Gumble is overweight, boozed up,
can't go two seconds
without unleashing a
- [BURPS]
- [ALL] Barney!
Uh, wow, buddy.
You really lost some weight.
Yeah, I was feeling kind of blah,
so I went to the doctor,
and he ordered up some tests.
Oh, my dear friend.
Oh, this ain't good.
No! Why does God take
all the people that drink
themselves to death?
It's not that bad.
The tests just showed that I have
"hyperglycemia."
So, low blood sugar?
Lenny, he said "hyper," not "hypo."
Any idiot knows the difference, idiot.
So, Barn, you-you're not dying?
Except in the same, slow,
horrible way we all are.
- Soon enough, my pretties.
-
[CHUCKLES]
I'm fine. They put me on this medicine
that regulates my glucose.
Othinquic.
The weight loss is just a side effect.
[VOCALIZING]
Wow, a medicine that
actually makes you skinny?
That's the best side effect
since Viagra was created for
What was Viagra created for?
I think it was to help comedy writers.
[CARL AND HOMER] Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, you got that right.
- Those are always funny.
Hey, let's celebrate.
Uh, refresh my memory, uh,
beer's your drink, right?
No, thanks.
Another welcome side effect is,
I no longer crave alcohol.
One club soda with lime, please.
Don't crave alcohol?
I can't let this secret get out.
What secret?
Wonder weight-loss drug.
Oh, hey, Lou?
Want to hear the big news
I'm gonna tell everyone?
Yeah, but, Chief,
the bank robbers are right over there.
And they can stay there until I
tell you this interesting fact.
It all started at Moe's.
You know the place next to the,
uh, the music store?
You mean the one the bank
robbers are holed up in.
If you keep interrupting,
I'm just gonna talk slower.
(WIGGUM SPEAKING)
[BOTH GRUNT]
Thanks. I need to give
something to my son.
A calming butterscotch?
Never leave me alone.
- Now leave me alone. Gah!
- [GRUNTS]
Wow, Chief.
That drug really works.
Go ahead, Lou, put your hand in there.
- Hey, that's an order.
- I resign.
Well, even so, I got you for two weeks.
Now stick it in.
Yeah, r-right there, that's it.
I mean, it has really changed my life.
Sarah and I are making whoopee again.
We're gonna have more Ralphies soon.
A big one, a girl one,
one that even looks more like Eddie.
Must try this drug.
Diet and exercise do not work for me,
as I do not do them.
So does it come in gummy or vape?
It's in a convenient needle
that you inject yourself
with once a week.
But you need a prescription.
To the doct-arr.
Then the pharr macy.
Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk ♪
I'm a woman's man,
no time to talk ♪
Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around ♪
Since I was born,
and now it's all right. ♪
I really don't think you
need to lose weight, sir.
My target weight is to fit inside
a mailing tube by Christmas.
Jab me.
[BURNS GRUNTING]
- [BURNS] Excellent.
-
For the first time since the
invention of the McNugget,
America's waistbands are shrinking.
Because with this epidemic,
people actually want to get their shots.
But is this new drug safe?
Our answer: "Yes, of course,
what are you, crazy?"
Won't surprise you after
this word from our sponsor.
♪
[ANNOUNCER] Do you suffer
from blood sugar issues?
Or are you just not bathing suit-ready
and willing to claim you
have blood sugar issues?
The new Danish drug
Othinquic might be for you.
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
I'm a mirakelmedicin.
[BOINGS]
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
We're going to be best friends forever.
Which is how long you have to take me.
[ANNOUNCER] Side effects
include lack of appetite,
pancreatitis, having to buy new pants,
a brutally painful death,
and not being able
to play Santa at Christmas. Othinquic!
Oh, oh, oh. ♪
Okay, I have to address
the elephant in the room,
by which I mean Homer.
How come you're not
on that stuff, dumbo?
Because it makes you stop eating.
And eating is natural.
Body positivity.
Yes, I'm positive you look
like a talking beach ball.
Listen, boy,
I would only go on medication
if a doctor told me to.
And I don't see doctors.
Always telling me to do stuff.
Hey, at least I'll never
lose you in a crowd. [LAUGHS]
Bart, enough with the fat-shaming.
I love Dad however he looks,
and Mom does, too.
Right, Mom?
Um
Right, Marge?
[MARGE] Hmm.
Uh
Well, I support you, Dad.
I'm proud of you for not
giving in to Big Pharma.
The only thing I'm giving into
is big "parma."
At Luigi's.
- Woo-hoo! All right! [LAUGHS]
- Yay, Dad!
[HOMER CHUCKLES]
[LUIGI] Hmm. Mm-hmm.
[WIND BLOWING]
Mama, we got a reservation!
I can't a-cook.
I got-a the SoulCycle.
- [HOMER] Woo-hoo!
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
What's wrong, Marge?
Upset that you're going to be
the only woman in town
stuck with an overweight hubby?
What?! No, of course not.
Am I?
- Ow!
- You love Homer, I get it.
But obesity is a major health risk.
I should know, I'm in medicine.
Actually, you are medicine.
Good one, yeah.
So maybe you do want him to change.
Wouldn't it be hotter
if he looked like this?
Ooh.
Something for both of you.
A six-pack and a washboard.
[LAUGHS]
Or you could just let
things go as they are and
- ♪
-
[GASPS]
Yeah.
[GASPS]
Homer, Homer, wake up!
I need you.
For snuggling?
Talking, talking.
Oh, uh, that's just as good.
Totally.
Please continue.
I've been thinking.
Maybe you should try to get down to
fun size again.
But I thought you loved me for who I am.
I do, but I want you to see
Lisa graduate from college.
And see Bart get a good
deal on a used car.
Please take the medicine.
Okay, okay, I'll do it.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Now it's snuggling time.
- [HOMER AND MARGE MOANING]
- [GROANS]
[RETCHES] I hate having
eyes that can't blink.
Oh, I tried everything to lose weight.
I hired personal chefs,
consulted the best doctors,
as well as Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
I even bought a weight loss company.
You know, normal people stuff.
But nothing worked
until I got on Othinquic.
And now check this out.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- I'm as thin as I was
on the night my boyfriend
Steadfast proposed.
But this is permanent
unless the drug stops working.
Which you better hope it doesn't,
because you're all going on it.
Look under your seats!
[CHEERING, CLAMORING]
You get a waistline.
You get a waistline.
Oh, I'm so generous
that it doesn't matter
that I'm not humble.
And remember, only read books I like.
That drug is a miracle.
So when did you two go on it?
Uh we didn't.
We lost this weight by exercise
and eating in moderation.
Right, moderation.
Also, we quit smoking.
That helps people lose weight, right?
No, actually
Besides, our fiancés love it.
- Eh?
- [PATTY] Eh.
Fiancés?
You're getting married?
Yep. To people from work.
Never interested in them before.
Because they were chubbos.
And how did they lose weight?
Eating in moderation.
Well, even if they did take that drug,
I don't think they need to be ashamed.
Homer's seeing the doctor
about getting on it right now.
Homer? Huh, they better find a needle
strong enough to get through hippo hide.
I'm sorry you don't have a
husband with the willpower
to lose weight naturally, like us.
Yeah, by the way, Marge,
can we each borrow $900 a month?
It's for, um
uh vegetables.
And yoga pants.
If we miss one dose of yoga pants,
we balloon right back up.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
$900 a month?
Why is it so expensive?
Health insurance stopped covering it,
and the pharmacies are out of stock.
Their first priority are the
people who need it the most.
The people who are actually sick?
No, A-list Hollywood stars.
It's their most difficult
time of the year.
Awards season.
So where did you get yours?
Oh, oh, I'm not on it.
I-I lost this weight naturally.
As a doctor,
I know the value of diet and exercise.
You've been a doctor for 20 years.
Why didn't you lose weight before?
[LAUGHS]
Get out.
[TOWNSPEOPLE GROANING]
Do you have Othinquic?
No, just Sudafed, NyQuil,
and one of the hardest things of
all to get out of a drugstore:
razor blades.
- [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
I've, uh, heard you're looking
for a certain weight-loss vaccine.
You got cash?
Does anyone anymore?
Not to worry, we take the Venmo.
And occasionally the Zelle.
But never the Cash App.
They offer the Bitcoin
but not the Ethereum.
How am I supposed to
arbitrage between the two?
Forget about it!
Hmm.
Here you go. Pure, uncut Othinquic.
Guaranteed to reduce the labonza.
It's the anti-antipasto.
Where did you get this?
Let's just say a truck
lost a little weight
passing through Springfield.
Wait a minute,
I thought you don't get high
on your own supply.
I personally lost this weight
through diet and exercise.
Even you lie about it?
If you can't trust godfathers,
who can you trust?
I don't cheat on diets.
I would never cheat on anything,
except my wife.
Weight-loss drug ♪
Drop a size without exercise ♪
When I put a spike into my leg ♪
I get full from just one egg ♪
Eating hot dogs with no bun ♪
Half a sandwich and I'm done ♪
And I eat but I just don't gorge ♪
I can see my feet 'cause
I just don't gorge. ♪
[SIGHS]
What happened to these people?
They look fabulous, right?
They look sad.
Maybe it's all that loose skin
sagging from their faces.
Hey, getting Othinquic face is
one of the few negative effects.
And you can always fix that
with injections of body fat.
Trust me, I'm a wonder drug.
The more I see, the more I wonder.
Okay, boomer.
Look, weight loss is healthy.
No matter how.
We've done a lot of research.
On safety?
On profits.
The profits are 100% safe.
And we'll find out the
dangers sooner or later.
After everyone's already on it?
Including my husband?
Exactly.
The most enormous beta test of all time.
And you lab rats are
paying us to be in it.
Patetiske taber.
Which means "suckers."
Homer!
Dad, are you sure you want to do this?
As sure as I was that I didn't
want to do it yesterday.
In that case, I support you,
but just barely.
That's what Dad's chair says.
Oh, man.
I'm gonna miss making fat jokes.
You'll still have bald jokes.
It's not the same.
Goodbye, my love handles.
You'll be in heaven with my back fat,
my triple chin, and my
[SOBS] finger chub.
Stop, Homer! Stop!
Huh?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
You're throwing it out?
But you wanted me to take it.
I was wrong.
I know it's the hot new trend,
but so were fanny packs, tramp stamps,
and Teslas.
[HOMER GROANS]
I usually cover this with my fanny pack.
But I thought you were worried
about us growing old together.
Of course I want that.
But what's even more important
is that you're here with us
right now and we can move on safely.
Hey, what are you doing?
Homer, as the only
overweight man left in town,
you have something that
we desperately need.
You're kidnapping my husband?
Think of it as a side effect
of not taking weight-loss drugs.
Andiamo.
No, no, no, no!
He's too fat to fit in the car.
Put him in the trunk.
He's too fat to fit in the trunk.
Lash him to the roof.
Uh, we're gonna need more rope.
[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
[HOMER MUTTERS SLEEPILY]
Ooh, pork chops.
Aah, Fat Tony!
Ooh, pork chops.
We need your fat to fill in our faces.
So we can look eternally young
like the Real Housewives,
who don't look real
and spend all their time
outside of the house.
Now eat. Mangia.
What you said makes me
almost not want to eat.
The police are gonna be furious.
Actually, uh, no we're not.
Come on, swallow.
Can't wait to get your ass in my face.
You monster! [SWALLOWS]
Wait till the mayor hears about this.
Oh, believe me, I know.
Slim Tony and I are in cahoots.
The mayor in league with the mob?
I'm happy to reach across the aisle,
as long as it's not with the members
of another political party.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[MARGE] Give me back my husband!
[ALL SHOUTING, CLAMORING]
Look who's here
Little Miss Thin without
Having to Take Drugs.
Which none of us take.
You're just jealous because
we're more beautiful than you.
[SHOUTING]
Now, out of the way,
because for the first time ever,
we want your husband.
Well, I'm taking my husband back.
You and what army?
[LUIGI] This-a army!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
We are the true victims of Ozempic
I mean, eh, eh, Othinquic.
The hard working a-people
who make-a your food.
And who pour your damn drinks.
You think you could operate
a beer tap by yourself?
Yes, you could.
So, uh, where am I going with this?
These-a drugs don't-a
just stop your eating.
They stop-a all of your
compulsive behavior.
And compulsive behavior
is-a the only reason
anybody eats-a spaghetti.
It's-a like worms with less-a nutrients.
Hypocrito.
Criticizing us when you're clearly
riding the O-train yourself.
I'm-a not-a taking the drugs.
Yeah, we know: "Diet and exercise."
No! I lost-a weight legitimately
from-a severe depression.
You, you're-a ruining my life.
[BOTH SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
Homer, they took your tuchus!
[SCREAMS]
You can't leave me like this.
I'm like the Batman villain Two-Face,
beautiful on one side
and hideous on the other.
Uh
Which is the beautiful side again?
Here's a thought:
maybe you can all stop taking the drug.
If I knew the meaning
of the word "stop,"
I would not be taking it. Der.
Look at your faces.
Mm
Let me try.
I've had more experience
addressing mobs.
♪
I am the last fat man in Springfield.
And while I can't see my feet,
I can see something else.
You are all unhappy.
- Love people for what's inside
- Mm-hmm.
lots of delicious food.
And admire the ingenuity
of the American chemist,
who has designed potato
chips that make you hungrier,
sodas that makes you thirstier,
all-you-can-eat restaurants that
make you never feel full again.
We sit eating food,
watching TV about food,
with commercials
for more food!
[ALL CHANTING] Food-S-A! Food-S-A!
Gol'darnit! Replace the word
"America" with the word "Texas,"
and I agree with everything you said.
[ALL CHEERING, CLAMORING]
I'm getting off this stuff.
And back on statins, antidepressants,
mood elevators, and useless vitamins.
Is my old table available?
Yes-a, yes and the gun
is still-a behind-a the toilet for you.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Is a happy end.
Patty and Selma gained back the weight
and lost the fiancés.
They're doing a group
sologamy celebration instead.
Salami celebration, what's that?
It's when a person marries themselves,
but there'll be two of
them doing it together.
But not to be together.
Even though they live together.
Good night, sweetheart.
Mwah.
So what are you going to wear?
That strapless black dress, right?
Well, it's from before I had kids.
I doubt it still fits.
The ceremony is still a month away.
And I'm exactly a month's supply.
After everything I've seen,
why should I trust you?
It's just a month.
One and done.
Hmm, I would love to wear that dress.
Whoa, ooh.
I feel a little nauseous.
Why is everything black?
Did I lose my vision?
[SYRINGE] Blindness is a side effect,
but that's
only three percent of cases.
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic. ♪
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
You know ♪
You might lose your big toe ♪
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic, beware ♪
You might lose all your hair ♪
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
You cough ♪
Then your kidneys fall off ♪
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
You'll die ♪
But you'll be thin, so don't cry ♪
Oh, oh, oh, Othinquic ♪
You know, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪
Shh.