The Simpsons s36e16 Episode Script

1
♪
[BELL RINGS]
[BURPS]
- [HORN WHISTLES]
-
[TIRES SCREECH]
D'oh!
[GRUNTS]
Huh? [GRUNTING]
Whoo-hoo!
♪
- Shotgun!
- Shotgun!
- I said it first.
- I said it first.
What are you, coping me now?
[NASAL VOICE] What are you,
coping me now? Nyah.
I can't listen to this
stupid fight anymore.
Lisa, you sit in the front.
[CHORTLES]
[GROWLS]
Happy start of the school week,
everyone.
Happy start of the school week,
everyone.
You're still mad
- about yesterday?
- You're still mad about yesterday?
- Seriously.
- Seriously.
- How long is this gonna go on?
- How long is this gonna go on?
Don't you think this is a little
- beneath the "Prank King"?
- Don't you think this is
a little beneath the "Prank King"?
He's not doing this to everyone, is he?
Oh, thank God.
- I know how to deal with this.
- I know how to deal with this.
- I love Lisa so much.
- I love Lisa so much.
- I wish I was Lisa.
- I wish I was Lisa.
- Hmm, I thought that would work.
- Hmm, I thought that would work.
Bart commits to the bit. Always has.
The novel has two equally
- important protagonists
- The novel has two equally
important protagonists.
- Mouse and Motorcycle.
- Mouse and Motorcycle.
Grilled vegetables,
and you ordered the same
thing just after she did.
[FORLORN GROAN]
- E-B-Z.
- E-B-Z.
- T-O-O-V.
- T-O-O-V.
♪
What's up, food fighters?
I'm Thad Parkour.
Today on Dude vs. Food,
I'm going to war with ten
buckets of fried chicken skin
served on top of a smash burger
the size of a laser disk.
Give them hell, Thad.
- Dad!
- Yes?
Bart's using the bathroom and
he doesn't wash his hands,
so I've got 20 seconds tops.
Make him stop copying me.
Please, it's been a month!
That is a huge percentage
of my short life.
Not now, honey.
Daddy's watching his latest
favorite show of all time.
We can talk about jazz later.
Dad, please, he won't stop!
Dad, please, he won't stop!
- Ah!
- Ah!
[LISA] Okay, I just have to accept
that this is my new reality.
[BART] That this is my new reality.
[LISA] And if that's the case,
then I'm gonna make something
good come out of it.
[SPEAKS MANDARIN, BART REPEATS]
What do we want?
- What do we want?
- [CROWD] Ban touch tanks!
When do we want it?
- [CROWD] Now!
- When do we want it?
[PLAYING "ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT"]
That is terrific progress.
That is terrific progress!
"I'm Bart Simpson,
and this is how I feel."
I'm Bart Simpson,
and this is how I feel.
"I have spent
- "the last six months
- I have spent the last six months
- "repeating every word said
- repeating every word said
- "by my sister, Lisa Simpson.
- by my sister, Lisa Simpson.
- "We entered as adversaries
- We entered as adversaries
"and through some strange magic
and through some strange magic
- "we have emerged as friends.
- we have emerged as friends.
"I set out to break
- "my sister's spirit
- I set out to break my sister's spirit
"but wound up giving her
- "a priceless gift.
- but wound up giving her
a priceless gift.
- "The knowledge that her brother
- The knowledge that her brother
- "will always be by her side.
- will always be by her side.
- "And so she will always feel
- And so she will always feel
- "loved and protected.
- loved and protected.
"I am the best big brother
a girl could ever ask for."
Aren't you gonna repeat that last part?
I don't think I can.
Does that mean it's over?
Because I'm,
I'm-I'm not sure I want it to be.
- [SPEAKS MANDARIN] Bart.
- I love you, too.
Hugging?
Did you teach them that?
I guess I must have.
That was so beautiful.
I'm gonna go call my sisters
and tell them how much they mean to me.
And there's a very special man
I need to say some things, too,
while I still can.
I love you, Thad!
[THAD] Today it's me
versus the spiciest ramen
in a city known for its
fiery Asian flavors,
Des Moines, Iowa.
[CHEERING]
I find this performative
gluttony offensive.
Yeah, there are hungry
supermodels in this world
who would kill for a bowl
of painfully spicy ramen.
[SLURPING]
[GROANING]
[SCREAMS]
That's what I want
my relationship with soup to be like.
What up, Food Duders?
That's his name for me
and people like me!
The Dude vs. Food
pig-rig is coming to Springfield!
Oink-oink!
Coming here? [SCREAMS]
I'll be unhinging my jaw donkey-style
at Luigi's Italian restaurant.
I've been there once.
Where I'm going up against
a 17-pound meatball.
Mano a ball.
I'll see you there October 10!
I finally have a reason
to live till October 10.
We asked: "Could-a we make it?"
We never asked "Should-a we make it?"
- Yeah.
- [HOMER CHUCKLING]
[PRODUCER] Are you Thad bods
ready to meet the man
who eats food for breakfast?
[LUSTY CHEERING]
Put your greasy hands together for
Thad Parkour!
[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
He looks like Luann's uncle
when the neighbors found him.
Let's chew this thing.
Oink-oink.
[THUDS]
Yeah, that's a wrap on Thad.
After 400 episodes,
shot over the course of two months,
he's finally full.
Series over. Strike the meatball.
Come on, Thad, eat too much of something
so we know you're okay.
Sorry, man.
Looks like this time, food
beat dude.
[GROANS]
No!
If no one's eating that, I'll take it.
o!
My car's out front.
Just squish it into the trunk. Awesome.
[WAILING]
I don't get it, Thad.
Just last episode,
you were a healthy young man
drinking 20 gallons of ranch
dressing to win a T-shirt.
I'm sorry, brother.
I really hate letting my fans down,
but I died three times in the ambulance.
I don't think that's good for you.
Doc, you got to fix him.
Where's he's indomitable spirit?
His can-chew attitude?
"Can-chew attitude: critically low."
Damn! He's as good as dead.
[HOMER] Wait.
There's one more thing we can try.
Thad, if you've ever put your faith
in a relationship with
an obsessive superfan,
let it be in the imaginary friendship
I think I have with you.
You definitely scare me a little,
but okay.
What is this place?
Just breathe.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Incredible.
Wh-what's happening?
This is my secret smelling place.
From here you can smell
every meal being cooked in Springfield,
from windowsill pies
to dishwasher-poached salmon.
But how is this possible?
Who knows? But if I had to guess
Warm moist air coming
off the ocean meets
cold breezes descending
from the mountains.
Springfield's unique topography,
a remnant of glaciation
during the last ice age,
produces varying degrees of albedo,
a unique system of high-
and low-pressure zones,
which shunt odor-rich air
from kitchens around the town
into this natural amphitheater.
But again, that's just a guess.
[INHALES]
Oh!
Every individual smell is distinct
and takes me back to a
specific time and place.
[SNIFFING]
Oh, pepperoni pizza.
[SNIFFS]
Braised bok choy.
[SNIFFS]
Ribeye steak.
[WOMAN EXHALES SHARPLY]
Oh! This is a miracle.
Food is a miracle!
I think I love food again.
I knew this place would fix you.
[SNIFFING] Wait, I'm getting a scent
I've never encountered.
Homer. [SNIFFING]
Oh, man, we got to find the source.
And I'll play phone games.
♪
[SNIFFING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I could swear I've
seen this house before.
But blindfolded,
from the trunk of a car
- Gentlemen.
-
[SHRIEKS] Hi!
What a pleasant surprise
that you made it past my bodyguards!
Sorry, boss.
I thought I had a pebble in my shoe.
Turns out there's this
embroidery on my sock.
Let's go, Thad.
The man with the goons is busy.
- [HIGH-PITCHED] Bye!
- What are you cooking in there?
I have to know.
[INHALING]
Wow, this stew smells amazing.
This recipe is all I
have left of a great man.
Sit and I'll tell you
the whole sad story.
Not because it's any of your business,
but because this pot needs to simmer
for the length of one whole sad story.
When I was a child,
there existed an uneasy peace
between Springfield's two
most powerful families.
The Italian, uh, "Thing of Ours,"
and the Prussian mob.
To maintain the peace,
each boss would send his youngest son
to live with the other family,
as collateral.
It was a ceremony steeped in tradition.
Flip-flop, clippety-clop ♪
I declare a son swap. ♪
[FAT TONY] My surrogate
father's name was
Wilhelm Von Wonthelm.
It was rumored that he had
never in his life smiled.
And I believed it.
Wilhelm conducted the mob's business
from the kitchen of his restaurant.
He had a deep love for the grim,
humorless flavors of German cuisine,
a passion that was not shared
by his eldest son and heir,
Maximillian.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Where are you going?
We need that blood
sausage for the dessert.
No can do, Pops.
My band has a gig tonight.
[FAT TONY] Max had fallen
prey to the scourge
that was destroying America's youth:
the ska revival.
[SKA MUSIC PLAYING]
You are needed here, my son.
Not out all night tromboning
to a calypso-flavored fusion
of jazz and punk rock.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
You chop like a Belgian.
But with ceaseless repetition
and unyielding criticism,
you will learn.
You schnitzel well.
You are a sh-natural.
[FAT TONY] And then it happened.
The old man smiled at me.
Maximillian,
put down that brassentooter.
Tonight, I need you here with me.
Why don't you ask your
new son to help you?
[FAT TONY] This was the night
Wilhelm was to pass his
greatest secret on to his son.
The recipe for gewalteintopf:
"Stew of Violence."
A centuries-old dish served only
at the initiation of new members
into the Prussian mob.
For his son to reject this sacred honor
was a stab to Wilhelm's heart.
Ska is no future!
How much was your band paid to perform
at the grand opening of
the Continental Tire store?
- $50.
- But there are 17 of you.
And several who do
nothing but dance around.
This recipe is at the center
of everything we believe.
Please, let me pass it on to you.
♪
[SOBBING]
[FAT TONY] This man had
survived car bombings, bullets
and the shame of adult braces.
But not this.
[GASPS, GROANS]
[PANTING]
This recipe belongs with someone
who respects tradition.
Protect it with your life.
And never share it with my son.
Promise me
I never realized how gross
it is under the oven.
[EXHALES]
Maximillian took his father's place
as head of the Prussian mob.
He rules with an iron
fist while still dropping
poorly-received ska
albums on SoundCloud.
But I kept my promise to his father
and never gave Maximillian the recipe.
Now, if you will turn your backs,
I must consult the recipe
for the final secret ingredients.
You may turn back around.
[DELIGHTED GROANS]
[GARBLED] Oh,
it's so good I never want to swallow.
[GARBLED] Oh! Me neither.
Let's stay like this forever.
Okay.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Everyone, shut up!
Thad has a new show and the
trailer's about to drop.
I said, "Shut up!"
Shut up!
Shh.
I'm Thad Parkour, and I'm a thief.
Snitches get dishes on
my new Chew Network show
Kitchen Betrayals.
Watch me steal secret recipes
from unsuspecting chumps
and reveal them to the world.
On the series premiere,
I'll show you the murder stew
that certified killers don't
want you to know about.
- [SHRIEKS] Stew!
- What's wrong?
Everything's fine.
Take the baby and go to
Flander's panic room.
Damn it, Thad!
If Fat Tomy sees this,
his gonna come to my house
- and he's gonna
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [SHRIEKS]
- [MARGE] Homie, Homie, open up.
- I've got groceries.
- Phew!
Look who dropped by.
A very worked-up Fat Tony.
Hello, Homer.
I was just meeting your charming widow.
[CHUCKLES] I'm not that charming.
Thanks to that idiot
putting the recipe on TV,
the Prussians are on
their way to kill me.
But I had a thought:
you first.
Please, Fat Tony,
we've been through so much.
You can't kill me over a stolen recipe.
[YELLS]
[GARBLED GROAN]
[PHONE CHIMES]
"Hey, Fat Tony. Homer here.
"You just threw me off a bridge. LOL.
If you pull me up,
I can save both our lives."
Explain first.
Then I pull you up.
"Pull me up first.
Scary turtle down here.
"Also, running low on oxygen.
Crying-laughing emoji."
- [THUDS]
- [PANTING]
If that TV show airs,
the Prussians are gonna find out
that you had the recipe all along
and they're going to kill you.
But I can sneak us onto
the Chew Network lot,
and together we can stop that show.
- How?
- I'm a deranged fan.
All I do is think of ways
to sneak onto the lot.
Okay. Let's hurry before
the Prussians catch on.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Two Thad Parkour look-alikes here
for the Clam Chowder Chug-a-thon.
Eh. Sounds like something we'd do.
♪
Fat Tony, please,
you don't want to do this, man.
How did you steal my recipe?
I took every precaution.
I made you turn around.
Wait a minute.
Your supercool backwards
sunglasses recorded everything!
You broke my heart, Thad's sunglasses.
It's the Prussians! Run!
[HOMER YELLING, PANTING]
[SKA MUSIC PLAYING]
[PLAYING DISJOINTEDLY]
[YELPS]
It would seem Maximillian is
trying to process some big feelings.
His last memory of his
father is a bitter one.
His last memory?
I know what to do. Give me the wheel!
- You, go under.
- No, you go under.
- Your foot's in my gabagool.
- That's not my foot.
That's not my gabagool.
Are you sure? It feels like one.
[SKA MUSIC PLAYING]
What the hell just happened?
[TIRES SCREECH]
Where the fuggedaboutit are we?
Just trust me.
Wasn't enough just taking
my father's love from me,
you had to steal his recipe, too?
Uh, before you shoot,
just take a deep breath
through your nose.
There is nothing I could
smell that could save your
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[HOMER] Because of what Fat Tony did,
people all over this town
are honoring your father's memory
by making his most beloved dish.
Gewalteintopf
Eat. There is no cold in the world
that can stand up to
Papa's special stew.
Oh, yum. What's in it?
That is a precious secret that
one day I will share with you.
For now, just eat.
And know that your father
loves you very much.
Now, let's see what adventures
brave Colonel Klink is having
with that buffoon Hogan
and his unruly friends.
Father did love me.
And now that the world has his recipe,
your father will never truly be gone.
Friedrich, put down the sax.
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
[HOMER YELPS]
Thank you, Maximillian.
Oh, and how's my youngest son doing?
Really good.
He's super into mask-making.
- How's mine?
- We're zeroing in on his allergies.
His eyes stopped watering,
and we're slowly adding things back in.
Kitchen Betrayals is a hit!
Now I can make other shows
where I travel the globe
exploring local food scenes
and fascinating cultures.
And, Homer, my friend, I want you,
the man who saved me,
to join me on this journey.
I've heard the rest of the world
has slightly different toilets,
and I'm scared of that.
Everything I need is right here.
But, Homer, I mean,
this is growth for me.
Can't you respect my decision?
No.
[THAD GROANS]
Professor Lisa,
we've established contact
with the alien ship.
As our lead astrophysicist,
you have the honor of conveying
humanity's first words
to extraterrestrial life.
Visitors from another world
Visitors from another world!
- Not now.
- Not now.
- Can you just
- Can you just
- This is really important.
- This is really important.
- God, you're annoying!
- God, you're annoying!
- Get the hell out of here.
- Get the hell out of here.
- I hate you!
- I hate you!
- Everyone hates you!
- Everyone hates you!
[LISA AND BART GROANING]
- I'll kill you!
- I'll kill you!
Apparently, this species
has a war-like nature.
Commence obliteration.
- [LISA] Your fault.
- [BART] Your fault.
Shh!