The Simpsons s36e17 Episode Script

1
[ALARM SOUNDING]
["ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL"
BY JET PLAYING]
Got to look good today.
I'm asking Amy to the prom.
[SQUEAKING]
I meant school Amy.
Not you, Amy.
Oh ♪
I said, are you gonna be
my girl? ♪
Okay, just act cool.
Hey, Amy, you promming?
I [GROANS]
So, Amy, some of your hair
got caught in your locker
and I took it. No! No! God, no!
[MOTHER] Andrew,
there's someone to see you!
[BOTH SQUEAK]
You've been served, starter stache.
Wh-What is this, Dad?
That's a subpoena.
You've been called as a
surprise witness in court today.
I can't go to court.
I spent all my after-school job money
on a skywriting promposal.
Testifying in court is a
matter of duty and honor.
Besides, everyone knows Amy
is going to the prom with Josh.
[GROANS]
- Are you gonna be my girl? ♪
-
- Yeah. ♪
-
Mr. Teen, isn't it true
that while working as an
employee of Builders' Barn,
you rented a backhoe to this man
Homer J. Simpson?
Yes.
And what reason did Mr. Simpson give
for renting the machine?
To quote, "dig a bitching swimming pool
"in his backyard,
then throw an awesome pool party
and not invite Flanders."
But in the process of digging the pool,
Mr. Simpson destroyed local gas, sewer,
and power lines,
causing rolling blackouts
that affect Springfield to this
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
- day.
This man is so obviously incompetent
that he never should have been
allowed to rent a backhoe.
And that is why Mr. Simpson
is suing Builders' Barn.
He's suing us?
Your Honor, I'd like to take over
the questioning, if I may.
Mr. Simpson,
only a fool has himself for a lawyer.
That's exactly my point, sir.
When Mr. Simpson, that is myself,
rented the heavy machinery in question,
isn't it true that my breath
smelled strongly of beer
as it does now?
[EXHALES]
I don't know what beer smells like.
I was going to have my first one ever
at the after-prom party.
[CRYING]
Homer can't even unfold a lawn chair.
I don't think he understands doors.
He's fat and lazy and
carries diner jelly packs
in his shirt pocket.
That's irrelevant and prejudicial.
Let her speak!
- Has the jury reached a verdict?
- Yes.
We're very disappointed this turned out
to be a real trial
and not a hidden-camera
comedy reality show.
Also, we have no choice but
to find for the plaintiff.
- D'oh!
- You're the plaintiff.
- Woo-hoo!
- [SIGHS] I've spent 25 years
fighting for Lady Justice.
Today I learned she's
nothing but a painted tart,
and I run the flophouse
where she turns tricks.
I award Mr. Simpson the
minimum possible damages.
$95.
Yes! Come on, everybody.
Jury wave.
No alternates.
[HOMER] Kids.
Look what Daddy bought
with his settlement money.
Floatie noodles and pool balls?
We don't have a pool, Homer.
We have a hole, which you can't fix
because the judge
banned you from renting
any class A excavating equipment.
It's now in the permanent court record
that I married a buffoon.
It was stipulated by all parties.
On the plus side,
Homer now has an entry on Wiccapedia.
[GASPS] "Homer J. Simpson is
the first American citizen
to become a court-certified idiot"?
[GROANS]
Wow, and it's not just a stub.
The admin really put some time into it.
Is this what you want your
legacy on this planet to be?
It's not just this.
I got other stuff, like, uh
I fell into wet cement
in front of the church
and left a very recognizable ass print.
- Mind the print.
- Aah!
- Mind the ass print.
- [GROANS]
- It's a big one.
- [GROANS]
And, uh, well, uh, there's, uh
Ooh, I know.
My legacy can be Lisa.
She's my legacy.
Aw, I called dibs on Lisa
in the delivery room.
I saw her first.
[BOTH GROAN]
[HOMER SNORES]
Legacy
Who are you?
Where am I?
We're in the wonderful future.
And I'm your guide,
travel host and author Rick Steves.
Every Sunday night Lisa puts
me on TV and you fall asleep.
That's why you're sleeping right now.
- [SNORING]
- [FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
There's no better place for
a perfect gratin dauphinois
than on a train to Montrachet.
Someday, Rick, someday.
These statues honor the
legacies of the many people
who made a difference in Springfield.
[SNORING]
Sleep sleeping?
Legacy! Where's my statue?
You don't have one.
Because you've never done
anything worth remembering.
I bet Lenny doesn't
have a legacy statue.
Look what we're standing on right now.
[HOMER] D'oh!
Lenny invented invisible suspenders.
Guess what's holding up my pants.
The point is,
they're all remembered and you aren't.
Now let me ask you something else.
Have you donated to PBS this year?
Never!
Dumb, stupid, dumb.
Abe, can you talk to him?
He's been at the bottom
of that hole for hours.
I've been feeding him like a dolphin.
[YIPPING]
So, what's got you sitting
in a hole this time, son?
No legacy.
The nearest the Simpsons
ever came to a legacy
was when my uncle had
a soup named after him
at the chowder hall.
A lot of people got sick from Stan soup.
So stop your ninny-whimpling
and get out of this hole.
Hey, you ruined my roundsie!
I ruin-sied your round-what?
When the ball goes all
the way around the walls,
I call it a "roundsie."
See? Roundsie.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
Let me try.
- [GRAMPA LAUGHS]
- [BALL BOUNCING]
[HOMER LAUGHS, GRUNTS]
[BOTH LAUGHING, GRUNTING]
Whoa! [LAUGHS]
[BOTH GRUNTING, LAUGHING]
Son, I never played catch with you
or tossed you a football
or taught you how to ride a bike.
I hate you, you monster!
But now we have this.
Yeah you're all right.
Noodles, balls?
What do you call this wonderful game?
I don't know, but it's gonna
be something really clever.
We call it Noodleball.
It's exercise without movement.
It's safe for your brittle bones.
And you don't have to face the thing
all us seniors fear about pools:
trying to peel off a wet bathing suit.
- I'll try that.
- Give me one of those noodles.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Dad, maybe Noodleball is what will make
the Simpson name live forever.
A legacy that we created together.
I'll jelly to that.
Springfield's golden-agers are lining up
to go six feet under
in empty swimming pools.
So how does this piscine pastime work?
If you hit the ball
past your opponents
and it bounces back to you,
that's a roundsie: one point.
[GRAMPA] Your opponents are
trying to block the roundsie
and hit it back to
score their own point.
[HOMER] Play until three balls
get knocked out of the pool,
and then everyone can check
their phone for ten minutes.
So dive on in to Noodleball
and drown the dog days of
summer in the deep end of fun.
Speaking of dogs, let's meet the spaniel
who's predicted every Super Bowl wrong.
[SQUAWKS]
A perfect roundsie!
We win again!
Since you've been playing Noodleball,
your weight gain has plateaued.
If you keep this up,
you could not gain 50 pounds.
Dad, look what just
came up on Wiccapedia.
[HOMER] Hmm.
The world is noticing the Simpsons
in a good way.
Look at these seniors,
playing like there is a tomorrow.
Na-na-na, come on ♪
Na-na-na-na-na, come on ♪
Na-na-na, come on ♪
Come on, come on ♪
Na-na-na-na ♪
Feels so good being bad ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
There's no way I'm turning back ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
Now the pain is for pleasure ♪
Oh. ♪
Dad, Grampa, we have
a problem at the south pool!
Oh, another old person three-way?
Just hose 'em out of there.
Worse!
Out of the pool, noodle heads.
It's summer, and the kids want to swim.
Go jump in the lake, water baby.
You're in Noodleball country.
Even the very tall need a place to swim.
And our children need to
cool off in the hot summer.
Won't everyone please not
think about the children?
[ALL GROANING SADLY]
Don't worry,
there's other pools in this town.
Hey, we were here first.
Talk to the tag.
Vape 'em out!
[COUGHING]
It's cotton candy bubble gum.
Don't breathe it in.
[WORRIED GROANING]
We're losing pools all over town.
What if we try to take over
some pickleball courts?
No, those Wiffle Ball
whackers are psycho.
They killed tennis without
even breaking a sweat.
Dad, there's a new section
on your Wiccapedia page.
- Controversies.
- [SCREAMS]
There's a petition to ban Noodleball,
"which has antagonized swimmers,
scuba practicers,
and frat house cannonballers."
Aw, that's all the thought leaders.
We can't let Noodleball
end up a failed sport,
like racquetball or soccer.
Our father-son legacy is in danger.
We got to do something.
Think! Think!
Hit harder!
Homer, Abe.
There's someone here
who wants to see you.
[WHISPERING] I let him in
because he's wearing a suit.
Gentlemen, I'm Gabriel Razelton.
People call me "The Raz."
But you shouldn't because I hate it.
I represent a consortium
of companies that can help
Noodleball not only survive but thrive.
What consortium?
I can tell you, or I can show you.
Uh, give us a minute.
Well, what do you think?
I'm all for show.
No, I think we should do tell.
- Let him show it
- No, I prefer he'd tell it
- [OVERLAPPING ARGUING]
-
Okay, we want you to tell us.
No, you idiot, we decided show!
Oh, just give us one more huddle.
Show! It was always show!
The avocado, or as some call it,
the alligator pear.
Simple, natural,
a little nutty, just like Noodleball.
"Avi-cado"? Never heard of it.
The only green thing I eat is
Marge's Mountain Dew pudding.
Mm, oh.
That glop's easy on the gums.
It is pretty creamy.
Are you sure it isn't lard?
Absolutely.
You can see why we at
the Organic Pit-based
Enjoyment Council think that avocados
are the perfect sponsor for Noodleball.
Can you get us our pools back?
Oh, I can do better than that.
I give you
the future of Noodleball.
This is the Avo-1 Noodleplex,
featuring eight state-of-the-art,
- empty, never-swum-in pools.
- [BOTH] Hmm.
Now, I hope you don't mind,
but we've put a statue of you and Grampa
right at the entrance.
We'll be remembered forever,
like that dude in the Lincoln Memorial.
We've got plans for all
kinds of avocado tie-ins:
oils, face masks, hair conditioners.
Big A isn't just guac and chips.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING]
Is this guy always so funny?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I don't know.
So, can we make this deal happen
and raise an avocado toast?
[CLINK]
Oh, son.
We created a sport
that will live forever.
Now, Grampa,
we've got a PR guy just down the hall
who wants to hear the
story of your life.
Hmm.
[GRUNTING]
When I was a boy,
you kissed any horse that walked by.
And that's how I acquired
my taste for hay.
Homer, I've always been honest
with you, right?
- Right.
- Wrong.
I lied when I said
Noodleball was for everyone.
No one's going to pay to
watch ancient athletes
break their hips and have heart attacks.
Our vision of Noodleball is
for a younger demographic.
You want to make Noodleball
only for 20-somethings?
Oh, God, no, they don't have any money.
I'm talking 40-to-60-year-olds.
The last generation
that can afford houses.
We have to scrub out
every trace of your father
and his gang of shuffling catheters,
or Noodleball's future is blacker
than a recently opened avocado.
I can't dump Grampa.
He's my father. We're like brothers.
Oh
I'm sorry, but my dad and I
created Noodleball together.
[SIGHS]
You're a man of rare integrity.
- But I accept your deci
- I'll do it! The old man's out!
Homer, Marge!
Welcome to the first Noodleball
celebrity tournament.
Pretty fantastic, huh?
It's a very impressive tent.
Whoever ironed it knew
what they were doing.
Avocado oil Bellini?
Get that crap out of my face.
Now come, I want you to meet
some of the amazing
youth-adjacent athletes
who are competing today.
- Blake Griffin.
- Noodleball is the perfect game
for retired players whose bodies
have been permanently destroyed
by the sport they love.
Which is all of us.
Ow! My spinning finger.
It was supposed to be fixed
after my third Meadowlark Lemon surgery.
Homer Simpson,
of course you know Megan Rapinoe.
I bet Lisa knows who you are.
Lisa Simpson? I love her Substack.
If you're her dad,
this explains so much.
Thank you, Megan Rapinoe.
Our targeted marketing
to 40- and 50-somethings
is really paying off.
My whole life I've worshipped
the false god of tucking in.
Step-in shoes!
Oh! I'll never lower my
arms below my knees again.
This is so amazing.
I just feel bad that Grampa
and the other old folks
can't be a part of all this.
Yeah, that's kind
of a sensitive subject.
You did tell him, right?
You know, hard conversations like this,
it's all about picking the right moment.
- Oh, Homer.
- Darling.
- Homer.
- My beloved.
Are you waiting for your father to die
so you won't have to tell him
you totally screwed him over?
- Little bit.
- Oh.
That alligator-pear-pushing
parasite gave me the heave-ho!
Doesn't he know we're a team?
We invented this together!
Oh, great, now your memory's good.
This was the only way
to save Noodleball.
At least one of us can have a legacy.
And you betrayed me for that?
Guess what.
Legacy don't mean squat.
Squat?! Justify yourself!
Who cares what people
think after you're gone?
You ain't there to get the credit,
if they remember you at all.
Do you know who Johnny Carson was?
Nope.
- David Letterman?
- Nuh-uh.
Jimmy Fallon?
Now you're just making up names.
Don't you see? You sold me out
for a few extra words in your obituary.
What's an obituary?
It's where they summarize
your whole life in one sentence.
Mine's gonna read:
"He was stabbed in the back by his son."
A real father would
support his son's terrible,
heartless decision!
Dad, someday can I screw you out
of something we create together?
You do and I'll destroy you.
How could making a deal with
avocados be a bad thing?
It's a good fat.
Well, growing avocados
does use a lot of water.
Over nine and a half
billion liters per day.
What's that in swimming pools?
- 3,800.
- [GASPS]
And the transport of avocado products
endangers wildlife everywhere.
Avocado oil is just using Noodleball
to cover up the bad stuff they do.
You know, the way
Middle East oil spent billions
to create LIV Golf.
LIV Golf can't be bad.
I bleed Mickelson's Maniacs blue.
And now avocado oil is playing
the same slippery game.
No, no, I won't believe it.
Not the Organic Pit-based
Enjoyment Council.
You mean OPEC?
Oh, "pit-based" is kind of a cheat,
but I get it.
I sold out my dad for avocado.
Oil, that is.
Green gold.
Tex-Mex tea.
I demand to play in the tournament!
Of course you can.
You're on the cover
of Avocado Aficionado.
[HOMER] Oh, yeah, one went up my butt.
Your partner, NFL legend Andrew Luck,
is waiting for you.
Join me, Homer.
I need a new sport.
My wife keeps telling me to
stop moving furniture around
and get out of the house.
Andrew, if I played with you,
I'd secure my Noodleball legacy forever.
But at the terrible price
of supporting Big Avocado.
So there's another retiree
who I'm teaming up with.
[INHALES] My father.
We created Noodleball to keep
old people mobile and healthy.
We're taking our sport back,
legacy be damned.
And my son and I
challenge your best team.
Do you and this walking
wrinklebag really expect to beat
Blake Griffin and Megan Rapinoe?
We're playing now?
I just had three avocado Bellinis.
What is it with you and Bellinis?
They loosen me up, Megan.
♪
Thanks for bringing me back, son.
Dad, we never played catch
or tossed a football,
but we have this.
You're right, son.
And that's why we're gonna win.
We are this safe, low-impact game.
♪
[GROANS]
- [BONES SNAP]
- Ow, my hip!
Ow, my heart!
[CROWD GASPS]
Noodleball is no more.
In its league premiere,
founder Homer Simpson
and his father suffered
gruesome career-ending injuries,
ruining Noodleball's professional debut
and sending avocado futures plummeting.
[GRAMPA GROANS]
Oh, my sport is dead,
and the only guy who showed up
to sign my cast is Andrew Luck.
Ooh, I get the whole space.
Mm-hmm.
Cheer up, Homer,
retirement is wonderful.
You'll have so much more time to spend
on your charities and with your family.
Oh! I want a second opinion
from Peyton Manning.
[GROANS]
I'm proud of you, Homie.
You stuck by your dad
and rejected Big Avocado.
Although if it comes in a salad,
I'm not sending it back.
I love it on a burger.
Or just spooned right out of the skin.
[SIGHS] If we just swam in those pools,
none of this bad stuff
would've happened.
Aw, but the water's so
chilly when you first go in.
[SIGHS] Nothing good came out of this.
This is that backhoe-renting
weirdo's house, Amy.
Oh, Andrew, you were so brave
to testify against him.
Mmm.
[DEEP VOICE] Oh, my.
Come on, come on, come on,
I like it, like it ♪
Come on, come on, come on,
I like it, like it, come on. ♪
[HOMER] Official Rules of Noodleball,
section 29:
if a dog steals your pool ball,
you're allowed to steal its ball.
[GRAMPA] All players
must count up their meds,
and the one with the
most pills serves first.
[HOMER] The pool noodle
may be blown through
but not yelled through.
[GRAMPA] In between points, a maximum
of three pictures of grandkids
may be shown,
four if the kids are costumed
or in a school play.
[HOMER] If a player's
pool noodle comes untied,
that player must call "Flopper,"
and the play is suspended
until the laughter subsides.
[HOMER] If the pool being played
in has a separate hot tub,
nice.
Shh!