The Simpsons s36e18 Episode Script

1
- Hmm.
- I'm going to the market.
Can you look after the kids?
I'm on it.
And don't just plop them
in front of the TV,
eat Twinkies, and take a nap.
- Homer, we're bored.
- We need something to do.
Plop them in front of the TV.
Eat Twinkies. Take a nap.
Maybe catch up on your drinking.
Hmm.
I want to watch a show about bulldozers.
But it should have unicorns in it.
Right. Bulldozers crushing unicorns.
- Sweaty ugly clown.
- Sweaty ugly clown.
Hey-hey, kids!
It's time for Itchy and Scratchy.
They fight and bite ♪
They fight and bite and fight ♪
This cartoon is called
Itchy and Scratchy?
Yeah, it's named after your butt.
Whoa, nice one.
La, la, la-la! ♪
Today's show is brought
to you by the letter "F,"
which stands for "fire."
Mmm.
And the number eight,
as in, "Scratchy 'ate' a pie
with a bomb in it."
The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
That was awesome.
Let's watch this show
together every day forever.
- Twinkie promise.
- Twinkie promise.
Ah.
They fight and bite ♪
- They fight and bite and fight ♪
-
Fight, fight, fight,
bite, bite, bite ♪
The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
I've got something to show you.
It's your little sister in her new
Itchy and Scratchy ensemble.
- Ack!
- Ack!
They make Itchy and Scratchy clothes
for babies now?
And not just clothes.
They've got toys, rattles, binkies,
and even a potty.
Itchy and Scratchy is for babies!
Babies!
Oh.
Why aren't you watching
Itchy and Scratchy with Bart?
Um, because that show
is completely uncool?
Right now, my friends and I
are bingeing this show
from the golden age of television: 2013.
Aw, Schultz. You got a dog?
Cute. ♪
I just borrowed him to meet ladies.
Ow!
My finger-quote fingers.
I am in "terrible pain."
Sometimes a horndog
gets bit by a real dog ♪
La la la la la la la la la ♪
She made it okay
for cute girls to be pretty.
Okay, but isn't there something else
you could do with your brother?
Interesting idea.
I'll circle back with my
team and let you know.
That always means no.
And what television
program are you watching?
Obviously, the jokes are great,
but what I love is the storytelling.
All right, maybe that's something
you could enjoy with Lisa?
Marge,
what Lisa and I had was so special,
but we've both moved on.
On your way out, do me a favor
and drop this in the garbage.
You're a doll.
I knew my kids were growing up,
but I never thought they'd grow apart.
And I think I'm the only one who cares.
- We care, Marge.
- We care, Marge.
When Bart and Lisa loved us ♪
Things were just so beautiful ♪
Blood would flow but also ♪
So would love ♪
They'd laugh at all our violence ♪
And horrors quite
unsuitable for children ♪
As guts rained ♪
From above ♪
But then one day,
things weren't the same ♪
Babies loved us ♪
We were lame ♪
Used to spend so much
time with each other ♪
And now they barely
seem like sister/brother ♪
And it breaks the heart ♪
Of their sweet, loving mother ♪
Now that Bart and Lisa ♪
Don't love ♪
Us. ♪
Have you noticed that Bart and Lisa
don't hang out these days?
They barely even speak anymore.
Yeah, but if I may pose
a counterargument:
Eh, whaddya gonna do?
I don't want Bart and Lisa
to be the kind of siblings
who stop speaking and drift apart.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
We don't want them to
end up like Sweet Johnson
and CJ Johnson in Grand Theft Auto.
I've never played that game.
Marge, when you grow up in Los Santos,
and Big Smoke needs you
to move that powder,
the game has a way of playing you.
Kids.
Kids, can I talk to you for a second?
Your father and I won't
be around forever.
When you get older,
you'll need to lean on each other.
Whatever you do, don't drift apart.
You share a journey with your siblings
that no one else will ever understand.
You must never, ever,
ever take that for granted.
If you're telling us all this,
who's flipping the pancakes?
Ooh!
Mom, we get what you're saying,
I think, and I promise,
we'll keep it in mind.
But they didn't heed Marge ♪
They drifted apart ♪
Lisa conquered the world ♪
And poor Bart remained Bart ♪
Their relationship died ♪
With no one to grieve it ♪
'Cause Marge passed before Homer ♪
If you can believe it ♪
So sad ♪
So sad ♪
- So sad. ♪
-
Lisa Simpson, thank you so much
for sitting down with She-E-O magazine.
You're the youngest
commissioner in the history
of the women's professional
basketball league,
which is now called the NBA,
and now dwarfs the popularity
of the men's league,
now called the MNBA.
What's the secret to your success?
Well, here at the NBA,
formerly the WNBA,
we like to follow what
my late mother taught me:
You do well by doing good.
I'm especially proud
that all my support staff
are former players.
Ms. Simpson, a reminder
that you are due to speak
at your old school tomorrow.
Oh, and your brother Bart
sent you a fax.
Funny how technology
hasn't moved forward
in 35 years.
If anything, it's gone backwards.
What did Bart say?
"Dude, you forgot to send me the check
"for Dad's retirement home.
"Oh, wait,
I found it in a drawer with my weed.
"Good thing I didn't smoke it.
Ha ha. Peace."
I didn't know you had a brother.
We're really not that close.
I paid for him to go to
air conditioning school,
but he dropped out because he couldn't
get into the frat he wanted.
I guess this wasn't such
a bad place to grow up.
Okay, Barney doesn't look so bad,
all things considered.
Oh, my God. That's Nelson.
Haw-haw! My life took a tragic turn.
Well, at least Dad's safe
at the Retirement Castle.
Ooh, if I hurry,
I can see him before 3:00 p.m. dinner.
I'm sorry, no visitors today.
All the seniors are on a field trip
to the Hard Candy Museum.
Well, I'm disappointed
I can't see my dad,
but also kind of relieved.
You can relate, right?
Oh, of course.
I'm also a horrible person.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go change 200
bedpans for minimum wage.
So, I've got an hour to kill
before my speech.
Ooh, maybe I'll drive
by my childhood home
and get choked up
about how grateful I am
not to live there anymore.
What is that music?
Hiya! Hoo! Hah!
Dad, what is going on here?
Oh, crap.
Please be a hallucination
from the mushrooms.
Bart, what is going on here?
And why isn't Dad in
the retirement home?
Oh, I haven't lived there
for three years.
D'oh!
Wait, I've been sending you
the money for that place.
What else have you been lying about?
Who's ready for an exotic dancer?
I wanted a stripper.
Hold on, I just talked to
you at the Retirement Castle.
Wh You're not a real nurse at all.
Yes, I am.
I nurse part-time to put myself
through stripping school.
See? I'm helping young
women achieve their dreams.
So you're running an
unlicensed retirement home,
and throwing parties with the
money I've been sending you?
Would you stop doing that?
Hmph.
And you paid off that nurse/stripper
to keep me from finding out.
Great news, Bart.
I got Lenny and Carl's families
to have their social security checks
sent directly to us. Ka-ching!
Lisa Simpson!
Wassup!
Get out.
All right!
Okay, I've told a few fibs,
but since when is fraud a crime?
Look, I'm good
at taking care of these guys.
- I'm super organized
- Organized? Look at your keys.
Hmm.
What about them?
This is my command center.
Car drive Lenny crash good?
Ugh, my car!
I need to get to my speech
at Springfield Elementary.
In my defense
In your defense?
You're a failure as a brother,
a son, a human being,
and given your shocking
level of irresponsibility,
probably a father.
Nobody gets pregnant from
the kind of sex I have.
Yes, my dad's name is Homer Simpson,
and he lives at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
And now, the greatest person
to ever come out of Springfield,
my personal hero, Lisa Simpson.
Thank you, Amber.
Today, I want to tell you
that if you work really hard
and dream really big,
you can become whatever you want to be.
But I don't have the energy
to lie like that today
because I am so mad at my
failure of a brother, Bart.
Just when I think I'm
numb to his punches,
he starts kicking,
kicking me in the shins of my soul.
Okay, let's all hear it
for Lisa Simpson.
How dare you interrupt
my onstage breakdown!
Goodbye, Lisa.
And if you're ever back in town,
by all means, don't call us again.
Just pretend it's a Tribble,
and you want to hit it
out of the starship,
through the air chute.
Ah.
Lisa, do you want to come play with us?
No, I really don't want to.
I'll let you play your
saxomaphone at the dinner table.
Hmm.
Way to go!
- Ha.
- Yeah!
Ha. Ha!
- Hmm.
- Guys, guys, guys. Lenny's gone.
- Mentally?
- Yes, but also gone gone.
Oh, God. I knew I should have
put a bell on his suspenders.
- Lenny!
- Mr. Leonard!
Carl's friend!
There he is!
Hey, there, Lenny. What you doing?
Oh, what's it look like I'm doing?
I'm sitting at Moe's, having a beer.
But, Lenny, Moe's is down here.
And this frosty beer
has your name on it.
Oh, boy.
Okay, that was kind of impressive.
I guess you sort of
care about these guys,
even if you are exploiting
and defrauding them.
Oh, shut up.
All you do is sit in
your big-city office
and send checks,
while I'm here doing the heavy lifting,
by which I mean putting Dad
on the toilet six times a day.
- Ew.
- Even worse
is getting him off that thing.
You need a two-by-four
to break the suction.
Stop it.
- Ah! Um, oh!
- They took him! They took our friend!
Bring back our friend!
What happened?
Men in a van
abducted Homer!
And they left this.
It's from "Senior Protective Services."
"Homer J. Simpson has been
placed in our custody,
"due to a complaint from
Lisa Simpson."
I just I-I mean, I never thought
In my defense
Oh, boy.
We had a good thing going here,
but you just had to come and Lisa it up.
I didn't know Senior Services
would take Dad away.
I called them when I thought
you were horrible at this,
and not just occasionally good
but still problematic.
You want to hear
something really problem?
We may never see our father again,
and he was doing way better here
than at the retirement home.
All these guys are.
Yeah, Bart treats us
with dignity and empathy.
Those are the two other
strippers who drop by sometimes.
Okay, but you still
stole from these guys,
and from me.
I only took the money
required for their needs.
A Camaro?
I wanted to get an electric bike,
but the guys insisted.
He lets us wax it.
It is as red as the planet Arrakis.
Dune reference.
Bart drives us around
till we fall asleep.
Yes, I'd like to withdraw my complaint
about my father's living conditions.
His name is Homer Simpson.
I'm sorry, ma'am. If I may read
from the Elder Care Regulations:
"no backsies."
Your father is currently
being transported to
Florida.
No! That's become
a maximum-security prison
for old folks.
The old men are all kept here.
Climate change really
sagged out the panhandle.
No one ever gets out of there.
What are we going to do?
I don't know. Give me space to think.
- Think!
- Think, Lisa!
Just cut out all distractions and think.
Think faster! Think now!
Use your brain and think!
Are you thinking?
- Think! Think! Think!
- Think-think-think-think-think!
There's got to be some
way to get Dad back.
Ugh, why would he keep this?
Does he think it's still cool?
- This is Mom's handwriting. And phrasing.
-
"Marge Simpson Emotional Will?"
No one has ever seen this.
Homer, in the very unlikely circumstance
that I die before you,
please know that I'll always be there,
in the sizzle of your bacon,
the bubble of your beer
and in all the other things
that will kill you
so that we can be together again.
Maggie, my little chatterbox,
I hope you achieved your goal
of becoming an auctioneer
for farm equipment.
She did.
And Bart and Lisa,
many years ago,
I told you both to lean on each other
and not drift apart. My dearest hope
is that you're looking out
for each other
and sharing a lifelong journey together.
We didn't do any of that stuff.
Because I suck.
We both suck.
You really have done a
good job with these guys.
And yes, you bought a fancy car,
but I suppose it's okay
to splurge on one thing.
You know what? Mom may be gone,
but we can still make
her wishes come true
by collaborating on a
surgical extraction operation.
- Huh?
- A kick-ass rescue mission.
Huh!
Tonight,
there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪
Can you turn down the music?
No can do.
Rocking tunes help me haul ass.
Tonight,
Bart's gonna do a Dad-break ♪
So don't you be around ♪
There they are.
- Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad!
- It's us!
- It's your kids!
Hi, Bart and Lisa.
I'm getting a free bus
ride because I'm smart.
Don't wave at them.
They might be escaped prisoners.
Oh, Gladys, that's ridiculous.
Tonight,
there's gonna be a jailbreak. ♪
Step on it!
Once they cross over the state line,
we'll never see Dad again.
Bart, remember our favorite
Itchy and Scratchy?
You mean the one where Itchy reanimates
the corpse of Ty Cobb so he can slide
spikes-first into Scratchy's face?
No, our other favorite.
Right. Let's do it.
- Pull over, I gotta go!
- Pull over!
- Potty emergency!
- I can't hold it, I gotta take a leak!
Now, just hold it in, pallies.
We're almost there.
We've gotta whiz!
Whiz!
Ah
Yay!
- We saved him!
- We saved him!
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! We did save him!
Who him?
Also, I still need to pee.
Actually, no, I'm fine.
It's so good to have you home, Dad.
And we're just in time to watch
the new Itchy and Scratchy reboot.
They fight, uh-huh ♪
And bite, whoo ♪
Just like they did before, okay ♪
Fight, fight, fight, like before ♪
The Itchy and Scratchy reboot ♪
Yeah, boy! ♪
I'm just so happy
my kids are close again.
Luv, we'll be late
for the heaven buffet.
There's a shrimp tower.
Okay, Ringo. And I'm just so glad
we're allowed to marry
different people in heaven.
Shh!