The Simpsons s37e01 Episode Script

1
I can't remember the last
movie we saw in theaters,
and on opening night.
Movies are back, baby.
Just think of all the chumps
out there waiting three days
until this movie's free on streaming.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Now to watch this movie
the way God intended,
on a small screen and riddled with ads.
I'm Dr. Janet Grody,
creator of Snuf Total-Body Deodorant.
It's for all your grossest places.
Just rub it right on your butt cleft,
under pouch, stink flaps
[GROANS] How can they
say those words on TV?
peat bog, smuckle, stunk-tank
[ALL SNICKERING]
Come on, skip ad. Skip ad.
between-hatch, gunk chunnel,
boob swamp, elbow crotch
[LAUGHING] Elbow crotch.
I have one of those.
[BART AND LISA LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
Finally.
You're a real man,
and real men have scrotum dust.
Oh, for the love of
[ANNOUNCER] Have you got butt-rot?
- Mm-hmm.
- [GROANS]
- Does your stank stink?
- [GROANS]
Looks like it's dingleberry season.
[LAUGHTER]
Enough.
[GRUNTS, PANTS]
Let's just do it old-school.
DVDs were never dirty.
Whoa, geez.
Somebody had a crush on Kevin Kline.
Shut up. Everyone did back then.
[GASPS] Keagan's Pond.
Oh, I used to love this show.
It's about four teenagers
played by 20-year-olds
with the problems of 40-year-olds.
Oh, that show stinks.
It stinks like stink flaps.
Come on, Bart. We're going to Moe's.
No Moe's on a school night.
[BOTH GROAN]
Do-do-do-do-do,
do-do-do-do-do ♪
That's Keagan.
I had such a crush on
Shawn Garrett Evanson.
He was just poured into
that puka shell necklace.
Mom. Shh, it's starting.
Manliest shows for manly men.
Hmm, Clincher.
"Ex-Ranger, ex-CIA,
ex-Navy SEAL John Clinch
"doles out his own brand of justice
with his fists."
Buddy, you had me at "fists."
[GRUNTING, BLOWS LANDING ON LAPTOP]
Wow, not wasting any time.
Shh. Punching.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING ON TV]
Keagan, what's wrong?
Everyone's saying you
cried at swim practice.
I don't want to talk about
[CRYING] It's my dad.
He says film school's for sissies.
He wants me to be a wedding
planner just like him.
Hey, Scorsese.
Come down and help your old
man with his centerpieces.
- Let's go.
- Where?
A place where we're always safe.
Why are you so good to me?
'Cause I'm with you for the long haul.
As long as there's a pond and a ladder,
I'll be there.
Whoa!
[BOTH SHOUT]
[GASPS]
Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. ♪
He can't go to jail.
He'll miss junior prom.
Please tell me we have
the season two DVD.
Hmm, maybe in the attic.
[GRUNTING, BLOWS LANDING ON LAPTOP]
Found it.
Oh, I forgot about this
season's unfortunate haircuts.
Whoa, this looks
just like the dress Laney wore
when she got drunk on cough syrup
and blew her Juilliard audition.
I was trying to look just like her.
I guess we all were.
[SIGHS]
All these old clothes are
actually kind of trendy again.
You know, I bet that would fit you.
- [GRUNTS]
- Hmm.
[GASPS] Oh.
You look just like a little me,
trying to look like a little
Sarah Jennifer Judson.
You should wear that to school.
I don't know, Mom. I've kind of gotten
used to flying under the radar,
you know, attention-wise.
But it's cute.
It kind of is.
And then, and then Clincher was like,
"Peace be with you, Father,"
but he meant "piece" like a gun.
Then he punched the priest with the gun.
Oh, wow. Time for work, dear.
The Clinker will be here
when you get home.
It's not Clinker, Marge, it's Clincher.
Thank God she's good-looking, right?
[LISA] I don't know about this, Mom.
Oh, Lisa. You're adorable.
I guess,
but what if someone looks at me?
Oh, no one's gonna look at you.
[GROANS]
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
[SHOUTING STOPS]
[GROANS]
How cute was Lisa
in her '90s look, Maggie?
Pretty fly, I thought.
It's so funny how things
come back in style,
like the word "fly."
And she was worried about
what the other kids would think.
They'll think she's cute
as a button, right?
Right? Why, I bet
wearing your mom's clothes
is as cool today as it
was when I was a girl.
[GASPS] What have I done?
[PANTS]
Janey, do you think
this outfit looks okay?
Uh, we're all waiting
to hear what we think
from them.
[DEVIN] Move.
[GULPS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[PANTING] Please don't be
getting consoled by the janitor.
Hmm, retro vibes
but still of the moment.
It tells a story, and that story
is "look at my outfit."
It works!
[CHEERING]
Ah, she took a risk, and it paid off.
I can't believe it.
My little girl is fashionable.
And then at lunch,
when I went up to return my tray,
everyone clapped. [LAUGHS]
Oh, no, I can't go back
to this dress
that we bought at CVS?
Please tell me you have
one more cool outfit.
Oh, I can do better than that.
["THE BOMB" BY THE BUCKETHEADS PLAYING]
- Whoo, whoo! ♪
- Street sounds swirling through my mind ♪
Street sounds swirling
through my mind ♪
Mind ♪
Mind. ♪
Hey, new kid.
Huh? Me? Oh, I'm not new.
I didn't ask for your life story,
new kid.
I'm Devin. Spelled like "heaven,"
but with a "D" and no "A"
and an "I" for the second "E."
Of course, you know Vidalia.
No, we've never met.
Lisa, darling. [KISSES]
We were worried you might
be a one-fit wonder,
but we've been loving the vintage looks.
Welcome to Fashion Club.
You guys meet in the music room?
We took it over when Mr. Largo died.
Mr. Largo died?
Or he has jury duty?
It was something dumb.
Honey, I love your eye.
You're coming thrifting
with us this Saturday.
Let's see you in action.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Downtown, noon.
You better like boba,
or I swear to God
Terri, I didn't know
you were in Fashion Club.
Where's Sherri?
Please. Have you ever seen Sherri slay?
Or so much as serve?
Keep walking, Kmart.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE ROARING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Guess which fist I'm gonna
punch you off your chopper with.
- Huh?
- Wrong.
[BOTH GRUNT]
[LAUGHS]
Hope that ambulance has medicine.
Homer, we need your help.
Smitty's trapped between two
[GRUNTING, BLOWS LANDING ON TABLET]
He's running out of oxygen.
Ooh.
- [ALARM RINGS]
- [GRUNTING AND PUNCHING CONTINUE]
[ALARM STOPS]
Lisa, look what's coming
to the Springfield Convention
Center this Saturday.
Hmm?
"Your favorite TV stars from the '90s
in varying degrees of recognizability."
And there's going to be a
Keagan's Pond meet-and-greet
at 2:00.
Uh, Saturday? Mm, I sort of have plans.
[SIGHS SADLY]
But I can totally meet you at 2:00.
Mom and daughter day.
Great. [GASPS]
My Frank Paul donkey shirt.
I had so many great memories with it.
And thanks to you, I have one more.
[MARGE SIGHS HAPPILY]
Aw.
Okay, if I'm gonna go shopping,
I'm gonna need some money.
$28.
That should be more than enough
to get a couple of cute fits
at a thrift store.
A hundred dollars?!
For a T-shirt of an airline
that doesn't exist anymore?
Why is everything here so expensive?
Uh, shop much?
This is how the world
of thrifting works.
Some used-up 40-year-old
donates a box full of clothes
from when she mattered,
then someone cool but scary
slaps a huge price tag on it.
So thrift stores aren't
for poor people anymore?
Oh, sweetheart, nothing is.
What a racket. Let's ditch this place.
I have a better idea.
Hmm, everyone's either
had way too much work done
or not nearly enough.
[GASPS]
S.G.E.!
I can't believe I beat the crowds.
Who am I making this out to, sweetheart?
Oh, actually,
I-I wanted to get a picture
of you, me and my daughter.
That counts as two selfies.
I'm sure she'll be here any second.
No worries.
I can tell you all about my lawsuit
against the makers of the
Keagan's Pond slot machine.
It's rigged against me.
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-da-da-da-da, ooh. ♪
Look, I got to get out of here,
or these jerks are gonna charge me
a full-day table rental.
I can't believe it.
Lisa stood me up.
Sounds like your afternoon is free.
Ever done it in a men's shelter?
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
Ah.
Ugh. Lisa, you are so lucky
your mom kept all her old clothes.
My mom sent all her cool looks
to the victims of some flood.
So selfish.
I mean, look at how cool
all the moms used to be.
I bet every mom in town
has an attic full of
forgotten vintage clothes.
I never thought of that.
[GASPS]
This would be so cute as a crop top.
Oh, maybe don't
Uh
What the heck is going on here?
- Mom.
- I waited for you for hours.
I met Keagan. It was unsettling.
And the whole time you were here,
defiling my clothes
with the cast of Euphoria?
Oh, well, I-I didn't think
you were ever gonna
wear this stuff again.
I mean, it doesn't even fit you anymore.
- [OTHERS SNICKERING]
- Ooh.
Excuse me?
And even if it did fit,
you're not cool enough to pull it off.
That's it. I'm taking it all back.
[GRUNTING]
Now who's cool?
You, ma'am.
Now make like a banana and peel.
I get it in context, I guess.
Lisa! Hey, girlie. Want to hang?
You still want to hang?
Even after my mom
totally mommed out on us?
[LAUGHS] Please.
We don't ditch people just
for having crazy mothers.
My mom once set fire to a piano store
because she was trying to get
a news anchor's attention.
Ugh. Mission accomplished.
Come on,
we're gonna party at a friend's house.
Ooh, a party?
Playing Candy Land
with Ralph is a party?
Totally. You're stuck
in Molasses Swamp again.
I like swamp.
Terri's been in the
bathroom for a while.
I'm gonna go check on her.
If you see Ralph in the mirror, say hi.
You know, Vidalia's been
checking on Terri for a while.
I'm gonna go check on
Vidalia checking on Terri.
Uh, that's weird.
Time to go.
What? Oh, okay.
I'm popular.
Why are we leaving?
And why did we come?
Shh. Man, what a haul.
Vintage Abercrombie flannel,
Guess overalls, spaghetti strap dress.
[GASPS]
You stole Mrs. Wiggum's old clothes?
It was just sitting in an attic,
totally forgotten,
just like you said.
Great job as lookout, by the way.
Oh, God. I was an accessory?
No, this is an accessory.
[SCREAMS]
Ugh, you're right.
You really don't have the head shape.
Okay, okay, we're thieves.
I'm a thief. I'm in a gang of thieves.
I'm gonna go to jail,
and they'll give me a tattoo
and I won't even get to pick it.
Girlie, relax.
You had a genius idea.
We just executed it.
We're keeping these poor,
neglected clothes
out of the greedy
clutches of Big Thrift.
And we're recycling old clothes
instead of supporting fast fashion.
It's a victimless crime,
which is the second-best kind.
But it's still a crime
to look this good.
I mean, it is a shame to just let
such cool clothes go to waste.
It's not like Mrs. Wiggum was
gonna pass them down to Ralph.
[GASPS] Lisa, you're a genius again.
We'll only hit boy moms'
houses from now on.
Oh, stealing from more moms?
I don't know.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[LISA SIGHS]
[MARGE] Hey, fashion girl,
this is your basic mom.
Don't forget you have a
dentist appointment today.
Hope you're not too trendy
to sanitize your retainer.
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
I'm in, but if we're gonna hit
every boy mom house in town,
we can't do it one awkward
playdate at a time.
We need to get all the moms
out of the house at once.
But how?
[SKINNER] Attention, students.
Don't forget Saturday
is the mother-son dance.
So put on your boogie shoes
and mother-respecting bow tis
and get ready to par-tay.
Oh, I'm sorry, I misread that.
- Party.
- Ugh.
Thank God my mom's in
jail for piano arson.
This is perfect.
All the moms will be out of the house.
But what about the dads?
I know just how to distract 'em.
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
That's for checking my prostate.
[BART] No.
[BOTH GRUNTING FRANTICALLY]
You can't make me go.
Oh, come on. It's not gonna kill you
to slow-dance with your mother
in front of your friends.
We don't know that for sure.
Mother. Nice dress.
Thank you. I'm glad it fits.
[QUIETLY] Barely.
Why, you little
- [GRUNTS]
- Break it up. Break it up.
Forget it, Mom, she's not worth it.
[GROANS] Come on,
let's go to the stupid dance.
There's a lasagna in the fridge.
Eat around the beef.
These are the houses
of Springfield's former fashion hotties.
The moms are at the dance.
And I've got the dad distractor.
He's Clinched.
Let's go shopping.
[GRUNTING ON TV]
[LION ROARS ON TV]
[GRUNTING]
[SNAPS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
This dance is so lovely.
Whose idea was it?
Well, Mother and I
have been going through
a bit of a rough patch,
and our couples counselor suggested it.
Seymour,
I didn't wear my fancy orthopedics
for you to chitchat.
I asked the DJ to play "Hungry Eyes."
Bart, "Hungry Eyes."
- ["HUNGRY EYES" BY ERIC CARMEN PLAYING]
- Hmm?
- You'll never catch me alive!
- [GASPS]
Hungry eyes ♪
Bart, if you don't boogie with me,
I'll lead a mom dance
in the center of the gym.
Aha! [GASPS]
Huh?
Okay, this is the big score.
The mother lode of mother clothes.
Martin Prince's mom.
I heard her sister used
to manage an Aeropostale
and had a ten percent discount.
- Whoa.
- Whoa. - Whoa.
Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
These sick freaks don't have a TV.
Come on, pick up, pick up.
[PHONE BUZZES]
[GASPS]
Spice Girls tour jacket.
Jelly sandals.
Sweatpants with words
written on the butt.
- [OBJECTS CLATTER]
- Hmm?
Old Man Prince is on the move.
Get out of there.
Guys, we got to go.
We can climb down from here.
[ALARM RINGING]
[GASPS] Mom's shirt.
[DEEP VOICE] Attention, intruders.
We know you're in the house.
Police are on their way.
- Oh, no.
- Exit the premises immediately.
I know that the neighbors
always have a lot of cash.
[VOICE SHAKING] They hide
a key in the flower pot.
[SIREN WAILING]
Aw, how did I ever rationalize this
as anything other than a literal crime?
I'm not a fashionista, I'm a criminal.
[CRYING]
[LADDER CLATTERS]
M-Mom? [SNIFFLES]
I'll explain in the dinghy.
Where did you get a dinghy?
Do you want to escape or not?
- [GRUNTS]
- Whoa!
[SIREN WAILING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
While I'm busy get-away-paddling,
why don't you tell me
what were you thinking?
I'm so sorry, Mom.
You just wanted to bond with me,
and I ruined it.
I'm such a terrible daughter.
[CRYING]
Remember,
"I'm with you for the long haul.
As long as there's a pond and a ladder,
I'll be there."
Wait, how did you know I was here?
A mother always knows
is the name of the kid-tracking
app I put on your phone.
[LISA] Oh.
I also track your brother on here.
See, he's still at the dance.
Hey, this is actually kind of fun
when it's not your own mom.
Dip me, handsome.
Mm!
Hey, the lady came with me.
The sirens stopped. Where are the cops?
Your father said he'd take
care of them Clincher style.
[OFFICER ON TABLET]
You're under arrest, Clinche.
[CLINCHER] Do I have the
right to remain violent?
[BLOWS LANDING]
[CHEERING]
Yeah! Take that, you stupid pigs.
So, your mom didn't even yell at you?
Wow, she's pretty cool.
Well, I am grounded
for the next eight months.
But when that's over, do you guys want
to come over and watch Keagan's Pond?
It's really good.
Ew, why would anyone watch
a show from the '90s?
I love that dress, by the way.
Oh, this? Oh, thanks.
I've had it literally forever.
- [HORN HONKS]
- Pick up the pace, people.
I want everything you stole returned
by the end of the day.
Well, almost everything.
[GIGGLES] Ooh.
Hungry eyes ♪
I feel the magic
between you and I. ♪
I'm not gonna age
'cause I'll be young forever ♪
I'll be in high school ♪
For eternity ♪
I'm not gonna age ♪
And we'll always be together ♪
In a sort of teenage purgatory ♪
Da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
Do-do-do ♪
Shh!