The Simpsons s37e02 Episode Script
Keep Chalm and Gary On
1
The Simpsons ♪
Hmm
Hmm!
Read it and weep.
An A? I do read it and I do weep.
Oh! My special little guy.
Hmm
This isn't Bart's work.
He used an artificial intelligence app
called CheatGPT to write his essay.
So what? It's not illegal.
It doesn't have to be
illegal to be unethical.
Your words mean nothing,
and your face is a butt.
Do too and [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
[MARGE] Hey! Tongues down.
Just give me a moment to say goodbye.
[SIGHS]
All right, we lost her.
Dad, can you please explain to Bart why
using AI to do his homework is wrong?
Yeah, sure, uh
"Relying on artificial
intelligence to complete assignments
could undermine the development
of critical analytical skills."
What? You just prompted CheatGP
to write that speech for you.
[HOMER] Mmm.
Give me back my phone-brain,
so me father better parent good.
[GROANS]
Ugh, those poor teachers. How
are they gonna deal with this?
"In conclusion, the protagonist embraces
the story's central dichotomy
of familiar versus exotic,
thus realizing that he does enjoy
green eggs in addition to ham."
I'm supposed to believe that
was written by Ralph Wiggum?
[GRUNTS]
It's the AI. We can't keep up with it.
[TEACHER 1] Help us.
You gotta do something.
It's just not okay. You
have to do something.
We're aware the students are
using CheatGPT on their devices,
so in order to stay
one step ahead of them,
we've purchased AI detection software.
[SCOFFS] Teacher's Net?
As always, the teachers
are four steps behind.
[CHUCKLING]
We've only got five
minutes in the server room
before Lunchlady Dora
comes down to spit chaw.
Oh, no problem.
Just let me install this patch
and detection software overridden.
Okay, they've destroyed
our detection software
and somehow also locked
us out of the microwave.
Oh, my ramen is in there!
It just keeps spinning.
We're not beaten yet.
We're installing a
state-of-the-art firewall,
so that our system is unhackable.
[CHUCKLES] They think we
can't get around a firewall.
Say hello to my little VPN.
The firewall has fallen.
[ALL] No!
Gods, man, we're breached.
That's it. We have no choice
but to invoke the banana option.
Why is all our homework about bananas?
"Einstein's theory of relativity is a
linchpin in modern banana science." Huh?
- They ghost-prompted us.
- Explain.
[GRUNTS] I was gonna.
The teachers hid the word
"banana" in our assignments
in invisible white text.
- Explain further.
- [DEVIN GRUNTS]
[GROANS] So when we pasted the
homework prompts into CheatGPT,
we didn't realize we also
asked it to write about bananas.
They banana us, we'll banana them.
[YELPS, SIGHS]
We banana-ed them, they banana-ed us.
[CHALMERS] Skinner!
Your IT spending is
through the roof, Seymour.
The battle against AI isn't cheap, sir.
Well, the solution is simple.
I'm going to announce
it today at assembly.
And why do I smell bananas?
Um Because I'm happy to see you?
Ye [SIGHS]
I am thrilled to announce
that Springfield Elementary
is now a phone-free school.
[ALL GASP, GROAN]
And all the homework will
be handwritten in class.
[CLAMORING]
Trust me, cell phone distraction
is the enemy of learning.
In fact, that was the
subject of my master's thesis
at the Ogdenville State University.
This is just like Animal
Farm, and we're the bananas.
Everyone, put your
phone in these pouches,
which renders them unusable
until the end of the day.
[BEEPING]
[HIGH-PITCHED WHINE]
Nice try, bucko.
[NELSON CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] You know, I used to like
Chalmers 'cause he'd yell at Seymour.
Thanks to him, I know what
the word "impotent" means.
This has gone too far. We've
gotta get rid of this guy.
But how do you get a
superintendent fired?
Gary Chalmers is like a
mouse in a bubble bath.
Squeaky clean.
Hmm?
Huh? [GROANS]
Unless
Chalmers said he went to
Ogdenville State, right?
Yeah, that's where he said
he did his master's "feces".
Why don't we shake that
thesis and see what falls out?
Plagiarism? I-I'm not a plagiarist.
Well, we got an anonymous
tip about some improprieties
in your graduate work.
Ironically, the AI software you
authorized to catch the kids cheating,
it caught you.
But I would never cheat.
You neglected to put quotation marks
around two different cited passages,
and it's like the difference
between "ibid" and "op cit"
means absolutely nothing to you.
Comptroller, surely these are
inconsequential infractions.
We have "a zero tolerance policy
when it comes to plagiarism",
and I'm using quote fingers accurately
because I'm citing the author
of our school honor code: You.
[SIGHS]
Hoist with my own petard.
Stealing from Shakespeare.
You're shameless. And fired.
[GROANS]
Punctual as always, Willie.
- Leave him on the hood of his car?
- As per protocol.
So, I guess my dad stole
some words or something.
Anyway, he was arrested.
I wasn't arrested. I was fired.
Always told the students that
when they look in the mirror,
they should be proud of the
person looking back at them.
[GROANS]
Now that I'm no longer superintendent,
I don't know who I see anymore.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I think he got arrested.
[CHALMERS SIGHS]
[CONTINUES SIGHING]
Oh, a bartender's favorite song:
The sigh of a depressed
loser with money to burn.
Actually, I, uh, lost my job.
[SUCKING SOUND]
Fired. Oh, man, that's rough.
- Yeah, we've all been there.
- You can talk to us, or
I devoted my life to public
service, and what do I get, hmm?
A backstab from the searing
knife of academic technicality.
And that's when I went from
intendant to superintendent.
I took the title over the pay
bump, never leaving a child behind,
even though sometimes I desperately
Oh, I desperately wanted to do that.
[SIGHS] At least I've got a new
place to spend all my time, huh?
This must not come to pass.
I thought he was gonna be our Frasier,
but it turns out he's our Rebecca.
Do something. Talking
to him was your idea.
Talking to him was my idea. I
didn't know we had to listen to him.
Hey, Mr. Fascinating,
you know what might make you less
of a massively annoying bummer?
I could get you a job
at the power plant.
Oh, please, why would they want
to hire a disgraced educator?
A middle-aged man past his prime?
But let me tell you how
citations should really work, huh?
[GRUNTS] Mmm. Hmm?
[SIGHS] Sweet silence at last.
[CARL, LENNY, HOMER SIGH]
Get off my lawn, you drunks!
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
[HUMMING]
Are you going to eat a third
crumb cake, or is that about it?
Hey, it's Super-Custodian Chalmers.
Just call me Gary.
Rather not be reminded
about what I am now.
How's your first day going?
Well, I've already
cleaned the workstations,
de-gunked the eye wash annex,
and origamied the exposed square of
toilet paper in each
stall, like so. Hmm?
Buddy, buddy, you're
giving 110% right now.
You need to cut that in
half to, um uh uh
- Fifty-five percent.
- No, that's way too high.
Uh, what about initiative
and pride in a job well done?
Ugh, you're even doing too
much work in this argument.
You need to simply appear
busy. Come on, walk with me.
Actually, I'm pretty
sure I outrank a janitor,
so I'm gonna need you to push
me around in your trash can.
Good Lord. I mean,
they're more checked out
than the public schoolteachers.
See? You're working too hard.
Take a seat, relax, enjoy a crumb cake
while I explain the
most important thing.
You need to develop a sixth sense,
for when the boss is about to
Ahem.
[STAMMERS] I am so sorry, sirs
Taking a break?
Punish him, Smithers.
I'd do it myself, but that
"ahem" took too much out of me.
The tunnels behind the cooling
towers need cleaning right now.
Chalmers!
Yes, sir. Right, right,
right away, sir. Yes.
Ooh. [CHOMPS]
"Chalmers!" I mean, who talks like that?
If I had underlings,
I'd treat them with
What the hell was that? Who's
there? Wha-What touched me? [GRUNTS]
Well, Lord Tennyson in a top hat!
Oh, dear God, some sort of
mutated nuclear super snails.
Shoo. Shoo, now. Shoo, go away.
Please, take pity on a broken man
who's had every last shred of his
dignity stripped away from him.
[ELONGATED SCREAM]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[SCREAMS WEAKLY]
[PANTING]
[SCREAMING RESUMES]
Horror movies suck now.
Forty-five minutes and there
hasn't been a single jump scare.
- [THUNDERCLAP]
- [SCREAMS]
Dad, you look
I know, I know. I look like a
pathetic failure of a father,
of a school administrator, of a man.
Shut up! I was gonna
say you look amazing.
Really?
Bro, spill your skincare
routine right now.
All I did was lie in a tunnel covered
in the mucus of absurdly large snails.
Snail slime? [GASPS]
Did you bring me any?
Dad, give it.
Why on earth would you want snail mucus?
It's called mucin, stupid.
It contains regenerative
healing properties
and boosts collagen.
TL;DR, it makes your face snatched.
People pay, like, actual money for it.
They pay for this mucin?
Sir, for the Christmas card this year,
would you like the hound's
pajamas to match yours
or just tastefully complement them?
Hmm. Can we prepare both
and decide on the day?
Oh, absolutely.
Gentlemen.
Oh, Smithers, I must thank you for
firing that old janitor yesterday.
It's invigorating to see some
fresh, young faces around here.
Actually, I I think that
is the same old janitor.
The very same.
But how? You look amazing. Spill
your skincare routine right now.
You know my daughter,
Shauna, said the same thing.
Shauna Chalmers complimented you?
- That's huge, sir.
- Ooh.
I believe that the slime of
the specially adapted snails
here at the plant rejuvenated my
skin, and I have a way to monetize it.
And why should we listen to you?
[GASPS] A businessman.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[GASPS] A business plan.
Gentlemen, snail mucin as skincare
is a $4-billion-a-year business.
You have the raw material, the
man power and the infrastructure.
All you're missing is a visionary
who can take this
enterprise to the next level.
Me.
Yes. Yes, quite.
Welcome to Men-trepreneurs,
the podcast that finally celebrates
companies run by and for men.
[WHOOPING, CHEERING]
Today, we look at the rocketing success
of the men's skincare brand Escarbro.
Please welcome the founder
and CE-Bro, Gary Chalmers.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Well, it's an honor to be here,
and, you know, I've been a
Patreon supporter of yours
ever since $5 a month
became nothing to me.
So, Gary, you used to be
in the public sector, no?
[BOOING]
Yes, boo my lost decades.
However, I have nothing but
gratitude for that broken path
because it brought me to a
dank tunnel of snail secretions.
Gratitude is huge.
So grateful for it.
Gratitude's my oxygen.
Oh, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
Thanksgiving's my Christmas.
We don't even celebrate
Christmas, just two Thanksgivings.
Well, anyway, that nuclear snail hole,
and I write about this in the book,
it phase-shifted me from
a misguided do-gooder
into a disruptive entrepreneur.
Your marketing strategy
is revo-lution-ary.
You're making normal guys feel
insecure about their looks.
I mean, that's the kind of
insecurity that, up until now,
only women were allowed to feel.
Well, at the end of the day,
it's about lifting people up.
So grateful.
Escarbro is lighting the
Gram, the Tok, and the Tube
on fire with its use of "ug-fluencers".
Hey, guys. Get ready for bed with me
as I dab on my Escarbro
Mansturizering Serum for Men.
I have been super self-conscious
about my hyperpigmentation
ever since Escarbro online
ads explained what it was
and that I should be super
self-conscious about it.
But now
Damn, Homer!
You make sure you subscribe,
so you never run out.
I'm using Escarbro Macho
Time Puffiness Pulverizer.
Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
Trust me, youse gotta subscribe.
With this goo, open casket is
actually an option over here.
[ALL] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
If I was a marketing paradigm, I'd
be like, "Stop shifting me, bro!"
[CHUCKLES] You know? So grateful.
How are you keeping up
with all this demand?
Well, to keep the slime oozing,
we scoured the globe to find the
world's leading snail handlers.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, I see, Claudia. I bring the romaine
and suddenly we're friends again.
Now that's a return on investment.
[LAUGHING]
Amazing turnout.
Oh, yes. It's a real him's him of
direct-to-masculine-customer giants.
Waylon, meet Vijay
from Vijay's ButtPants.
Antoine, who dominates the goat
colostrum protein frozen yogurt space.
No proven downside.
And Dirk Denchley, the CEO of Father
D's High-T Testosterone Tea Bags.
Gary, your website
has the hardest-to-find
"cancel subscription"
button in the business.
Brilliant, bro.
Oh, well, that wasn't intentional.
Come on, dude.
Our whole business model
is people signing up
for subscriptions that
they forget to cancel.
That seems a bit
underhanded. Although
A toast to the suckers.
May they never check their
credit card statements.
Yeah, um salute.
It's so weird having a super
rich dad who people think is cool.
It's also weird having a
juice bar in your living room.
But, uh, great idea, honey, great.
I was kidding, but whatever. [SLURPS]
You know, my friends can't get
enough of your anti-aging goo.
Wait a minute. High school
kids are using Escarbro?
Oh, God, yeah. Everyone wants
to have kindergarten skin.
Yeah, but we we
weren't marketing to kids.
Well, I guess there's no harm, right?
Can I have a new pony? This one pooped.
Uh Of course, sweetie.
Ugh, dappled? Fine.
Welcome back, sir.
The children are gonna love hearing
about your journey to financial success.
And, uh, might I say your beard
has grown in remarkably dark.
Oh, I use an adaptogen
matcha spore powder.
[SIGHS] You know, I spent so much
of my life in public education,
but I never felt I was
doing good in the world
until I started selling creams for men.
Plus, even as a janitor, I made
more money than as a superintendent.
Are you saying there's
an open janitor position?
Sorry I'm late. I had to
charge my light therapy mask.
- What a unique child.
- These days, not so unique.
[BOTH] Dab, dab, dab.
Oh, no. I look 12.
Make with the hydrating
toner spray, now!
Just don't forget your décolletage.
I had no idea our industry
reached children this young.
How can they focus on learning while
they're worrying about all this?
[DEVIN] Hey, Escarbro guy.
[ALL] Gary.
[YELPS] God!
Can I have a free sample?
Do you have a promo code?
Make my name a promo code. Promo
code: Devin exclamation point.
- Yeah!
- We want the code!
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING]
- [GRUNTS]
- Whew. [YELPS]
- [STUDENTS] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
Greetings. [YELPS]
- [MASKS BUZZING]
- Good Lord.
Um Would you excuse
me for just one moment?
[STAMMERS] I have to
do something. Pardon me.
The phone-banning guy can't
get off his phone. Ironic.
Hey, that is irony. Very
accurate heckling, Bart.
- Thank you. I love you.
- What?
Nothing.
Now, I've always believed that everyone
should be able to look in the mirror
and be proud of the person
looking back at them.
And right now, as I look
at myself in the reflection
of your smooth, pore-less,
vigorously moisturized little faces,
I am not proud.
I look ridiculous. You all,
all of you look ridiculous.
Sir, sir, I'm on the hiring web page.
It wants me to attach my resume as
a PDF, but I only have it as a JPEG.
When I was a public servant,
it was my job to educate you,
but also to protect you.
Protect you from people like me.
Social media swindlers who
profit off of insecurities
that you shouldn't
even have yet, or ever.
[SNIFFLES, YELPS]
Who am I kidding? I am a
superintendent, whether I like it or not.
And as of right now, I am banning all
skincare products from school grounds.
- [ALL GASP]
- You can't do that.
You don't work here anymore.
Well, as a matter of
fact, I can and I do.
I just bought Springfield
Elementary at auction
in the section for
VCRs and public schools.
[SCHOOL STAFF GASP]
Teachers, get those phone
pouches back out here
and fill them with all of
that preposterous skincare!
Thanks for waiting for me, old friend.
Why on a competition baking show
do they need to have an opening sketch?
Just get to the "and bake".
You think the crew gets to eat all
the cakes they drop on the ground?
Dad, are we poor again?
Now, don't worry, honey. I still have
a small stake in the skincare company.
And those nuclear snails,
they're never gonna stop sliming.
[CHUCKLES]
I heard it was someone's special
day! Francis, get over here.
Birthday treats for everyone!
Salty potato chips and buckets of beer.
Aw, they like it so much,
they're shaking with joy.
- More like shriveling.
- Maybe too much shriveling?
- Uh
- Ooh.
Uh, let's call it a day.
Seymour, you got this, right?
[SIGHS] I hope they at least
let me keep the coveralls.
Ooh.
[MUNCHING] Mmm.
Whoever invented eating crumb
cake in a trash can was a genius.
Wait a minute. I think I invented
eating crumb cake in a trash can.
I'm gonna be rich! And then I'm
gonna buy so many trash cans!
[MUNCHING, SMACKS LIPS]
Eating crumb cake in a trash can ♪
Spraying crumbs around ♪
Because I'm in a trash can ♪
No crumbs are on the ground ♪
Don't need a broom or dustpan ♪
Something, something trash can ♪
[MUNCHING, SMACKS LIPS]
Shh!
The Simpsons ♪
Hmm
Hmm!
Read it and weep.
An A? I do read it and I do weep.
Oh! My special little guy.
Hmm
This isn't Bart's work.
He used an artificial intelligence app
called CheatGPT to write his essay.
So what? It's not illegal.
It doesn't have to be
illegal to be unethical.
Your words mean nothing,
and your face is a butt.
Do too and [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
[MARGE] Hey! Tongues down.
Just give me a moment to say goodbye.
[SIGHS]
All right, we lost her.
Dad, can you please explain to Bart why
using AI to do his homework is wrong?
Yeah, sure, uh
"Relying on artificial
intelligence to complete assignments
could undermine the development
of critical analytical skills."
What? You just prompted CheatGP
to write that speech for you.
[HOMER] Mmm.
Give me back my phone-brain,
so me father better parent good.
[GROANS]
Ugh, those poor teachers. How
are they gonna deal with this?
"In conclusion, the protagonist embraces
the story's central dichotomy
of familiar versus exotic,
thus realizing that he does enjoy
green eggs in addition to ham."
I'm supposed to believe that
was written by Ralph Wiggum?
[GRUNTS]
It's the AI. We can't keep up with it.
[TEACHER 1] Help us.
You gotta do something.
It's just not okay. You
have to do something.
We're aware the students are
using CheatGPT on their devices,
so in order to stay
one step ahead of them,
we've purchased AI detection software.
[SCOFFS] Teacher's Net?
As always, the teachers
are four steps behind.
[CHUCKLING]
We've only got five
minutes in the server room
before Lunchlady Dora
comes down to spit chaw.
Oh, no problem.
Just let me install this patch
and detection software overridden.
Okay, they've destroyed
our detection software
and somehow also locked
us out of the microwave.
Oh, my ramen is in there!
It just keeps spinning.
We're not beaten yet.
We're installing a
state-of-the-art firewall,
so that our system is unhackable.
[CHUCKLES] They think we
can't get around a firewall.
Say hello to my little VPN.
The firewall has fallen.
[ALL] No!
Gods, man, we're breached.
That's it. We have no choice
but to invoke the banana option.
Why is all our homework about bananas?
"Einstein's theory of relativity is a
linchpin in modern banana science." Huh?
- They ghost-prompted us.
- Explain.
[GRUNTS] I was gonna.
The teachers hid the word
"banana" in our assignments
in invisible white text.
- Explain further.
- [DEVIN GRUNTS]
[GROANS] So when we pasted the
homework prompts into CheatGPT,
we didn't realize we also
asked it to write about bananas.
They banana us, we'll banana them.
[YELPS, SIGHS]
We banana-ed them, they banana-ed us.
[CHALMERS] Skinner!
Your IT spending is
through the roof, Seymour.
The battle against AI isn't cheap, sir.
Well, the solution is simple.
I'm going to announce
it today at assembly.
And why do I smell bananas?
Um Because I'm happy to see you?
Ye [SIGHS]
I am thrilled to announce
that Springfield Elementary
is now a phone-free school.
[ALL GASP, GROAN]
And all the homework will
be handwritten in class.
[CLAMORING]
Trust me, cell phone distraction
is the enemy of learning.
In fact, that was the
subject of my master's thesis
at the Ogdenville State University.
This is just like Animal
Farm, and we're the bananas.
Everyone, put your
phone in these pouches,
which renders them unusable
until the end of the day.
[BEEPING]
[HIGH-PITCHED WHINE]
Nice try, bucko.
[NELSON CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] You know, I used to like
Chalmers 'cause he'd yell at Seymour.
Thanks to him, I know what
the word "impotent" means.
This has gone too far. We've
gotta get rid of this guy.
But how do you get a
superintendent fired?
Gary Chalmers is like a
mouse in a bubble bath.
Squeaky clean.
Hmm?
Huh? [GROANS]
Unless
Chalmers said he went to
Ogdenville State, right?
Yeah, that's where he said
he did his master's "feces".
Why don't we shake that
thesis and see what falls out?
Plagiarism? I-I'm not a plagiarist.
Well, we got an anonymous
tip about some improprieties
in your graduate work.
Ironically, the AI software you
authorized to catch the kids cheating,
it caught you.
But I would never cheat.
You neglected to put quotation marks
around two different cited passages,
and it's like the difference
between "ibid" and "op cit"
means absolutely nothing to you.
Comptroller, surely these are
inconsequential infractions.
We have "a zero tolerance policy
when it comes to plagiarism",
and I'm using quote fingers accurately
because I'm citing the author
of our school honor code: You.
[SIGHS]
Hoist with my own petard.
Stealing from Shakespeare.
You're shameless. And fired.
[GROANS]
Punctual as always, Willie.
- Leave him on the hood of his car?
- As per protocol.
So, I guess my dad stole
some words or something.
Anyway, he was arrested.
I wasn't arrested. I was fired.
Always told the students that
when they look in the mirror,
they should be proud of the
person looking back at them.
[GROANS]
Now that I'm no longer superintendent,
I don't know who I see anymore.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I think he got arrested.
[CHALMERS SIGHS]
[CONTINUES SIGHING]
Oh, a bartender's favorite song:
The sigh of a depressed
loser with money to burn.
Actually, I, uh, lost my job.
[SUCKING SOUND]
Fired. Oh, man, that's rough.
- Yeah, we've all been there.
- You can talk to us, or
I devoted my life to public
service, and what do I get, hmm?
A backstab from the searing
knife of academic technicality.
And that's when I went from
intendant to superintendent.
I took the title over the pay
bump, never leaving a child behind,
even though sometimes I desperately
Oh, I desperately wanted to do that.
[SIGHS] At least I've got a new
place to spend all my time, huh?
This must not come to pass.
I thought he was gonna be our Frasier,
but it turns out he's our Rebecca.
Do something. Talking
to him was your idea.
Talking to him was my idea. I
didn't know we had to listen to him.
Hey, Mr. Fascinating,
you know what might make you less
of a massively annoying bummer?
I could get you a job
at the power plant.
Oh, please, why would they want
to hire a disgraced educator?
A middle-aged man past his prime?
But let me tell you how
citations should really work, huh?
[GRUNTS] Mmm. Hmm?
[SIGHS] Sweet silence at last.
[CARL, LENNY, HOMER SIGH]
Get off my lawn, you drunks!
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
[HUMMING]
Are you going to eat a third
crumb cake, or is that about it?
Hey, it's Super-Custodian Chalmers.
Just call me Gary.
Rather not be reminded
about what I am now.
How's your first day going?
Well, I've already
cleaned the workstations,
de-gunked the eye wash annex,
and origamied the exposed square of
toilet paper in each
stall, like so. Hmm?
Buddy, buddy, you're
giving 110% right now.
You need to cut that in
half to, um uh uh
- Fifty-five percent.
- No, that's way too high.
Uh, what about initiative
and pride in a job well done?
Ugh, you're even doing too
much work in this argument.
You need to simply appear
busy. Come on, walk with me.
Actually, I'm pretty
sure I outrank a janitor,
so I'm gonna need you to push
me around in your trash can.
Good Lord. I mean,
they're more checked out
than the public schoolteachers.
See? You're working too hard.
Take a seat, relax, enjoy a crumb cake
while I explain the
most important thing.
You need to develop a sixth sense,
for when the boss is about to
Ahem.
[STAMMERS] I am so sorry, sirs
Taking a break?
Punish him, Smithers.
I'd do it myself, but that
"ahem" took too much out of me.
The tunnels behind the cooling
towers need cleaning right now.
Chalmers!
Yes, sir. Right, right,
right away, sir. Yes.
Ooh. [CHOMPS]
"Chalmers!" I mean, who talks like that?
If I had underlings,
I'd treat them with
What the hell was that? Who's
there? Wha-What touched me? [GRUNTS]
Well, Lord Tennyson in a top hat!
Oh, dear God, some sort of
mutated nuclear super snails.
Shoo. Shoo, now. Shoo, go away.
Please, take pity on a broken man
who's had every last shred of his
dignity stripped away from him.
[ELONGATED SCREAM]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[SCREAMS WEAKLY]
[PANTING]
[SCREAMING RESUMES]
Horror movies suck now.
Forty-five minutes and there
hasn't been a single jump scare.
- [THUNDERCLAP]
- [SCREAMS]
Dad, you look
I know, I know. I look like a
pathetic failure of a father,
of a school administrator, of a man.
Shut up! I was gonna
say you look amazing.
Really?
Bro, spill your skincare
routine right now.
All I did was lie in a tunnel covered
in the mucus of absurdly large snails.
Snail slime? [GASPS]
Did you bring me any?
Dad, give it.
Why on earth would you want snail mucus?
It's called mucin, stupid.
It contains regenerative
healing properties
and boosts collagen.
TL;DR, it makes your face snatched.
People pay, like, actual money for it.
They pay for this mucin?
Sir, for the Christmas card this year,
would you like the hound's
pajamas to match yours
or just tastefully complement them?
Hmm. Can we prepare both
and decide on the day?
Oh, absolutely.
Gentlemen.
Oh, Smithers, I must thank you for
firing that old janitor yesterday.
It's invigorating to see some
fresh, young faces around here.
Actually, I I think that
is the same old janitor.
The very same.
But how? You look amazing. Spill
your skincare routine right now.
You know my daughter,
Shauna, said the same thing.
Shauna Chalmers complimented you?
- That's huge, sir.
- Ooh.
I believe that the slime of
the specially adapted snails
here at the plant rejuvenated my
skin, and I have a way to monetize it.
And why should we listen to you?
[GASPS] A businessman.
[PHONE BEEPS]
[GASPS] A business plan.
Gentlemen, snail mucin as skincare
is a $4-billion-a-year business.
You have the raw material, the
man power and the infrastructure.
All you're missing is a visionary
who can take this
enterprise to the next level.
Me.
Yes. Yes, quite.
Welcome to Men-trepreneurs,
the podcast that finally celebrates
companies run by and for men.
[WHOOPING, CHEERING]
Today, we look at the rocketing success
of the men's skincare brand Escarbro.
Please welcome the founder
and CE-Bro, Gary Chalmers.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
Well, it's an honor to be here,
and, you know, I've been a
Patreon supporter of yours
ever since $5 a month
became nothing to me.
So, Gary, you used to be
in the public sector, no?
[BOOING]
Yes, boo my lost decades.
However, I have nothing but
gratitude for that broken path
because it brought me to a
dank tunnel of snail secretions.
Gratitude is huge.
So grateful for it.
Gratitude's my oxygen.
Oh, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
Thanksgiving's my Christmas.
We don't even celebrate
Christmas, just two Thanksgivings.
Well, anyway, that nuclear snail hole,
and I write about this in the book,
it phase-shifted me from
a misguided do-gooder
into a disruptive entrepreneur.
Your marketing strategy
is revo-lution-ary.
You're making normal guys feel
insecure about their looks.
I mean, that's the kind of
insecurity that, up until now,
only women were allowed to feel.
Well, at the end of the day,
it's about lifting people up.
So grateful.
Escarbro is lighting the
Gram, the Tok, and the Tube
on fire with its use of "ug-fluencers".
Hey, guys. Get ready for bed with me
as I dab on my Escarbro
Mansturizering Serum for Men.
I have been super self-conscious
about my hyperpigmentation
ever since Escarbro online
ads explained what it was
and that I should be super
self-conscious about it.
But now
Damn, Homer!
You make sure you subscribe,
so you never run out.
I'm using Escarbro Macho
Time Puffiness Pulverizer.
Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
Trust me, youse gotta subscribe.
With this goo, open casket is
actually an option over here.
[ALL] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
If I was a marketing paradigm, I'd
be like, "Stop shifting me, bro!"
[CHUCKLES] You know? So grateful.
How are you keeping up
with all this demand?
Well, to keep the slime oozing,
we scoured the globe to find the
world's leading snail handlers.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, I see, Claudia. I bring the romaine
and suddenly we're friends again.
Now that's a return on investment.
[LAUGHING]
Amazing turnout.
Oh, yes. It's a real him's him of
direct-to-masculine-customer giants.
Waylon, meet Vijay
from Vijay's ButtPants.
Antoine, who dominates the goat
colostrum protein frozen yogurt space.
No proven downside.
And Dirk Denchley, the CEO of Father
D's High-T Testosterone Tea Bags.
Gary, your website
has the hardest-to-find
"cancel subscription"
button in the business.
Brilliant, bro.
Oh, well, that wasn't intentional.
Come on, dude.
Our whole business model
is people signing up
for subscriptions that
they forget to cancel.
That seems a bit
underhanded. Although
A toast to the suckers.
May they never check their
credit card statements.
Yeah, um salute.
It's so weird having a super
rich dad who people think is cool.
It's also weird having a
juice bar in your living room.
But, uh, great idea, honey, great.
I was kidding, but whatever. [SLURPS]
You know, my friends can't get
enough of your anti-aging goo.
Wait a minute. High school
kids are using Escarbro?
Oh, God, yeah. Everyone wants
to have kindergarten skin.
Yeah, but we we
weren't marketing to kids.
Well, I guess there's no harm, right?
Can I have a new pony? This one pooped.
Uh Of course, sweetie.
Ugh, dappled? Fine.
Welcome back, sir.
The children are gonna love hearing
about your journey to financial success.
And, uh, might I say your beard
has grown in remarkably dark.
Oh, I use an adaptogen
matcha spore powder.
[SIGHS] You know, I spent so much
of my life in public education,
but I never felt I was
doing good in the world
until I started selling creams for men.
Plus, even as a janitor, I made
more money than as a superintendent.
Are you saying there's
an open janitor position?
Sorry I'm late. I had to
charge my light therapy mask.
- What a unique child.
- These days, not so unique.
[BOTH] Dab, dab, dab.
Oh, no. I look 12.
Make with the hydrating
toner spray, now!
Just don't forget your décolletage.
I had no idea our industry
reached children this young.
How can they focus on learning while
they're worrying about all this?
[DEVIN] Hey, Escarbro guy.
[ALL] Gary.
[YELPS] God!
Can I have a free sample?
Do you have a promo code?
Make my name a promo code. Promo
code: Devin exclamation point.
- Yeah!
- We want the code!
- [STUDENTS CLAMORING]
- [GRUNTS]
- Whew. [YELPS]
- [STUDENTS] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.
Greetings. [YELPS]
- [MASKS BUZZING]
- Good Lord.
Um Would you excuse
me for just one moment?
[STAMMERS] I have to
do something. Pardon me.
The phone-banning guy can't
get off his phone. Ironic.
Hey, that is irony. Very
accurate heckling, Bart.
- Thank you. I love you.
- What?
Nothing.
Now, I've always believed that everyone
should be able to look in the mirror
and be proud of the person
looking back at them.
And right now, as I look
at myself in the reflection
of your smooth, pore-less,
vigorously moisturized little faces,
I am not proud.
I look ridiculous. You all,
all of you look ridiculous.
Sir, sir, I'm on the hiring web page.
It wants me to attach my resume as
a PDF, but I only have it as a JPEG.
When I was a public servant,
it was my job to educate you,
but also to protect you.
Protect you from people like me.
Social media swindlers who
profit off of insecurities
that you shouldn't
even have yet, or ever.
[SNIFFLES, YELPS]
Who am I kidding? I am a
superintendent, whether I like it or not.
And as of right now, I am banning all
skincare products from school grounds.
- [ALL GASP]
- You can't do that.
You don't work here anymore.
Well, as a matter of
fact, I can and I do.
I just bought Springfield
Elementary at auction
in the section for
VCRs and public schools.
[SCHOOL STAFF GASP]
Teachers, get those phone
pouches back out here
and fill them with all of
that preposterous skincare!
Thanks for waiting for me, old friend.
Why on a competition baking show
do they need to have an opening sketch?
Just get to the "and bake".
You think the crew gets to eat all
the cakes they drop on the ground?
Dad, are we poor again?
Now, don't worry, honey. I still have
a small stake in the skincare company.
And those nuclear snails,
they're never gonna stop sliming.
[CHUCKLES]
I heard it was someone's special
day! Francis, get over here.
Birthday treats for everyone!
Salty potato chips and buckets of beer.
Aw, they like it so much,
they're shaking with joy.
- More like shriveling.
- Maybe too much shriveling?
- Uh
- Ooh.
Uh, let's call it a day.
Seymour, you got this, right?
[SIGHS] I hope they at least
let me keep the coveralls.
Ooh.
[MUNCHING] Mmm.
Whoever invented eating crumb
cake in a trash can was a genius.
Wait a minute. I think I invented
eating crumb cake in a trash can.
I'm gonna be rich! And then I'm
gonna buy so many trash cans!
[MUNCHING, SMACKS LIPS]
Eating crumb cake in a trash can ♪
Spraying crumbs around ♪
Because I'm in a trash can ♪
No crumbs are on the ground ♪
Don't need a broom or dustpan ♪
Something, something trash can ♪
[MUNCHING, SMACKS LIPS]
Shh!