The Simpsons s37e03 Episode Script

1
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING]
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- [GASPS, SCREAMS]
[ALL SCREAMING, WHIMPERING]
America's only true safe space:
network television.
-
- Yes. [LAUGHS]
- Yes!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
[SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN]
I don't understand it.
Whoever broke in here only took
the grease we fry the doughnuts in.
Lard have mercy.
Mm.
[BURBLING]
[GRUNTING]
Ah, yeah. Ah. Oh, yeah.
This is the primo stuff, all right.
100% all-American grease.
Lady Lipid. Goopy Gold. Texas Ghee.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, okay. Crisis over.
[SCREAMING]
We are devastated by the tragic loss
of the irreplaceable Chief Wiggum.
We're replacing him with Lou.
Uh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
As my first official act,
I will launch a full investigation
into what came up out of that pipe
and did this to our chief.
- [PEOPLE GASPING, GROANING]
-
To that end,
I've brought in a local expert
in all things having to do with sewers,
sewage and human waste.
Yeah, how you doing?
I've spent my life in them pipes,
panning for subway tokens
and loose fillings.
And over the years, youse people
have turned my beautiful
sewer into a cesspool.
You pour your cooking grease
and your animal fat down the drain.
And over time,
all that gloppy gunk stuck together
and coagulated into what
the legends call a Fatberg.
Now, I'm just a simple turd-monger,
but there's only one explanation
that Fatberg got so big
that it's got to feed,
and it's on the hunt for more grease.
And it's going to eat this
whole lard-loving city
if youse don't do something.
Mr. Mayor, this is a serious threat.
Until we find that Fatberg,
we need to outlaw deep fryers
and cancel the state fair.
Cancel the state fair?
You got no cherce.
The state fair is
greasier than Lardi Gras
and Crisco-mas combined.
Well, I suppose
the safety of our citizens
is the most important
Now, just hold on
one artery-clogging minute.
As the largest employer in town,
- I object to this addlepated idea.
-
You can't shut down the state fair.
It'll ruin our fat-forward economy.
You tell 'em, Daddy.
Don't interrupt me after
I'm done talking, boy.
[GRUNTING]
Great hat-smacking, Daddy.
Don't compliment my punishments,
you idjit!
Now, Mr. Mayor, if you cancel the fair,
you won't have Simpson and Son
greasing your palms anymore.
And I'm sure you don't want dry hands.
This is madness.
If this walking port-a-potty is right
and there is a monster down there,
we can't risk our citizens' safety.
I'm canceling the state fair
under my authority as chief of police.
Congratulations, Police Chief Eddie.
I hereby declare the state fair open
with the lighting of the first fryer.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
These fools,
filling themselves with fried grease
while there's a monster
lurking underground.
Don't they know they're tempting fat?
Aw, honey, you're a civilian now.
Try to enjoy the fair.
- [SCREAM NEARBY]
- [GASPS]
The ice cream is so cold.
- [SIGHS]
- [SCREAMING NEARBY]
[GASPS]
- [SQUEALING HAPPILY]
- [SIGHS]
Now comes ze innocent frolicking.
Frolic, frolic, frolic, frolic, froli
[SCREAMS]
Dolly zoom? That's bad.
[GASPS]
Fatberg! Run!
[SCREAMING]
[WHIMPERS]
Ah! Lard!
[YELLING]
[YELLS]
-
- [SIZZLING]
[SCREAMING]
Daddy,
the fat monster's coming right for us!
- [GRUNTING]
- Oh, you think I can't see that,
you pint-sized popinjay?!
- [WHIMPERING] It's sucking out all my fat, Daddy!
- [GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
[GRUNTS]
[CRYING] Don't die on me, son!
Live, you dimwitted dimwit!
♪
My beautiful bumbling boy!
[CRYING]
We warned 'em. They wouldn't listen.
Oh, honey.
Just try to enjoy the fair.
Lou, I was a fool not to believe you
and this sewer-squatting
human hemorrhoid.
Time to teach that monster a lesson,
the only way I know how.
This here contraption
will smack some sense
into that mass of goo
with the power of 50,000 mega-swats!
[SQUEAKING]
Come and get it, Fatberg!
[RUMBLING]
It's working.
The monster's taking the bait!
♪
[ROARING]
[GROWLING]
Release the smackin'!
- [GRUNTS]
- [ROARS]
[SNARLS] Huh?
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, good God.
It's rakish!
- [ROARS, GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS, YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
Hidey-ho! Hey! Ha!
- [GRUNTS]
- [MOE SCREAMING]
[ROARS]
[WHIMPERS]
This is the end for Citizen Lou!
Aw, honey!
Just try to enjoy the fair!
You ain't dying on my watch
Chief.
- Hasta la grease-ta!
- [ROARING]
[CHEWING]
[SPITS]
No.
No!
[GROWLING]
[YELLING]
-
- [GROANING]
The Fatberg had a heart attack.
But how? It didn't have a heart.
Not even a creature of pure fat
could handle what Homer
Simpson was made of.
So, what are you gonna do now?
What else?
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm going to enjoy the fair.
♪
-
-
- ♪
♪
- [SIDESHOW MEL] It's The Krusty Halloween Special!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, hey, kids!
This is my first ever
live Halloween special!
But not because I'm desperate.
Comedy audiences can't sense
desperation, can they?
Can they?
Can they?!
We can.
[GROANS]
Okay! We'll be right back
after Krusty sucks down a
little self-confidence juice.
[GROANS]
♪
[GULPING]
Hey, Special K!
- Great show.
- Are you nuts?
I'm dying out there!
This whole special was your crazy idea.
Yeah, because you're in big trouble.
You think you're the only
late-night kiddie clown on TV?
There's tons of other
shows aiming for you,
trying to knock you down to a 30 share.
No show has ever gotten
a rating that low!
And neither will yours.
Because I made a great deal for you,
and it's all gonna pay off tonight.
Now you go out there and you deliver
that brilliant, cutting-edge
comedy that you're famous for.
- ♪
-
Father Fakakta,
please yuk-sorcize my daughter.
Something's happened to her.
[GASPING]
A parody of The Exorcist?
[LAUGHS] Now that's fresh!
We must cleanse her soul.
With pie!
[LAUGHTER]
I am Satan,
and I have come for you.
Oh, the chimp's allowed to improv,
but I'm not?
I was in the Groundlings
Sunday Company for seven years!
[SNARLING]
[YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
Somebody save Mel!
Somebody not me!
Has anybody on the crew got a gun?
Shoot the monkey!
I better get a smoke bonus for this.
This is the best Christmas ever!
♪
Fantastic segment!
A man was just maimed for
life by a demonic monkey!
[WEAKLY] My face. My only face.
Hey, let me turn that frown upside down.
Bingo.
I don't care what deal you made.
We got to pull the plug
on this nightmare!
Are you nuts?! This thing is huge!
You're a smash!
They're puking in Peoria.
They're retching in Rochester.
They've got PTSD in Pickstown,
South Dakota!
Now get back out there.
[GROANS]
Okay. Talking to the kids.
Now, this always plays.
Who are you dressed up as, slugger?
Why did the monkey rip
the man's face off?
Will the face go to heaven?
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
Cute kids, cute kids.
You each get a home version.
So, what's your deal, tiger?
Downstairs God is inside my body.
[GROANING]
I am Satan!
[SCREAMS] A g-g-g-guest star!
[GRUNTS LOUDLY]
[SCREAMING]
Bart, is this stupid show almost over?
I've been circling the
parking lot for an hour.
[GRUNTS]
- [YELLS]
- [CRACKING]
[MUFFLED] Oh, no polyps.
Well, that's good news.
Ow! Oh, my septum!
I just had the cocaine hole patched!
Krusty, I have come to collect
on a bargain made on your behalf.
A deal made by
him!
This is all your fault!
You wouldn't shut up about
the great deal you made
because it was with the devil!
What? No! What?
The only deal I made was for
this live TV Halloween special.
I made the deal with him!
[SCREAMING]
[CHUCKLING]
[IMITATING URKEL] Did I do that?
You know you did do that!
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
I told Mom and Dad you
were in league with Satan,
but they didn't believe me!
Nobody likes a tattler.
- [SQUEAKING]
- [MUFFLED YELLING]
Krusty, the only reason your
show has lasted this long
is because this child
made a deal with me
to eliminate your competition!
I had to, Krusty.
Those other shows were a threat to you.
Those stupid high-quality,
educational shows
with "redeeming social values."
And I canceled them,
all so your unfunny
schlock-fest could endure.
Behold!
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
I did always wonder about the success
of my unfunny schlock-fest.
Now, I've fulfilled
my end of the bargain,
and tonight is the night I collect
on what this boy promised in return
your eternal soul.
Rise,
- educational kids' show phantoms!
- [RUMBLING]
[GROANING]
Drag Krusty to the Children's
Television Devil's Workshop!
[GROANING]
[SPEAKING UBBI DUBBI]
Gah! Aah! Ow!
Oh! Ow!
[SCREAMING]
Stop! Don't drag Krusty to hell!
This is all my fault!
Take me instead!
Done.
Do your worst.
We're going to teach you forever.
No, no, not learning!
Anything but learning!
¡Ay, caramba!
[KRUSTY] I've never shown
anyone this horrific tape
until today.
But now that streaming has
crushed the TV business,
even the devil can't save my show.
It is rough out there.
I would hate to be starting today.
[LAUGHS] So, you want to buy this?
Halloween.
Found footage.
It's definitely of a moment.
But is it of this moment?
What's the "why now?" of this project?
[GROANING]
[NARRATOR] In the beginning,
Earth was green and lush,
with the occasional asteroid.
In the middle,
decaying organic matter became oil,
which became plastic.
In the end, after centuries
of conspicuous consumption,
all of Earth had become a vast,
shiny, inorganic desert
of soda straws, Tic Tac boxes,
and recycling bins
called PlasticWorld.
[WIND BLOWING]
Ancient Slim Jim!
Oh, old Gil is eatin' this month.
[INHALES, SIGHS]
[GROANS]
My leader, tonight we feast on jerky!
[VUVUZELA BLOWING]
[NARRATOR] Amidst the
post-aplasti-lyptic savagery,
one visionary leader dreams
of a sustainable future for humanity.
Friends, ever since I lost my family
in the avalanche of
Diaper Genie Bag Mountain,
I've found solace in the Good Book.
The book teaches us that humans
once grew real, organic food
in a strange,
dirty substance known as dirt.
I truly believe that somewhere,
underneath all the plastic,
there is dirt.
And that is why we dig.
[MILHOUSE] Hey, Lisa!
We tunneled down through a
layer of little yellow ducks.
But then we hit a vein of
Halloween pumpkin pails.
But we blasted through it
and found dirt!
The prophecy was true!
Let me see it.
Voilà!
- Davis!
- [OTHERS GROANING]
[GROANS] You got to keep digging.
Find real dirt.
Soil!
I've tried, but there isn't any!
The only thing below us
is hundreds of miles
of shaky and unsupported tunnels!
- [CREAKING]
- Oh!
Uh-oh.
[SCREAMING]
What is this place?
Forever food,
everywhere!
Pure, uncut Twinkie.
[INHALING DEEPLY]
This junk food will fill
our bellies for now.
But it's just delaying
our inevitable starvation.
We've got to find
[GASPS] Seeds!
Sunflower seeds.
We can plant sunflowers.
Corn nuts.
We can grow corn.
And Funyuns, which must be a
fun type of onion.
All we have to do is find
soil and plant these,
and humanity will have
a chance to survive.
The seeds are life.
[GUNSHOT]
Or not.
What up, Fugliosa?
[GASPS] Bart?
I thought you were killed
with Mom and Dad.
Nope, I survived.
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS] Huh?
Now I'm a Raider.
And we take what others find.
Raider Nation, attack!
Bart, no!
Take the Ho-Hos and
Ding-Dongs if you must,
but leave the circus
peanuts for us to plant
to grow a better tomorrow.
I will not let you destroy our future.
Will, too.
Will not!
- Not, not, not!
- Too, too, too!
[MARGE] Bart, Lisa,
play nice!
[LISA] Mom! Dad!
How are you alive?
[CHUCKLES] Funny story.
We fell into a pool of
searing hot nuclear waste.
The molten radioactive plastic
bonded with our DNA,
months and months of horrible,
indescribable agony,
and, uh, here we are.
We're better than ever.
You You're plastic.
Mmm. Polyvinylidene chloride.
There's food everywhere
when you're a Plazz.
"Plazz"?
That sounds a little problematic.
We can call ourselves that,
but you can't.
It's paradise.
No more scrounging for crumbs.
We wipe ourselves clean
with a damp cloth.
The only problem is
we can't have babies.
But we can still have fun.
So if you hear some squeakin',
don't come a-peekin'.
- [SQUEAKING]
- [LAUGHING]
[GROANING]
Why don't you join us?
Just take a dip in the nuclear pond,
liquefy your innards,
and become pure forever plastic,
like us.
Everybody in the pool!
Fellas?
No! You're not human anymore!
You're just flip-flops
with eyes and opinions.
Humanity has to survive.
[PLASTIC PEOPLE] Be like us. Be like us.
No, Mom, no!
[SCREAMS] Doll face!
Why won't you cry?
[CHUCKLES]
That doesn't work anymore, son.
I'm as smooth as G.I. Joe
and as hairless as Ken.
Every bag-burning bad boy knows
that plastic's natural enemy is fire!
[SHUDDERING]
Still so good.
[YELLS]
Ooh.
- [GRUNTING]
- Not helping, Bart!
[GROANS]
Haw-haw!
[SINGSONGY] You're kissing forever.
They're hot.
Flamin' hot!
[GROANING]
Come on, kids.
You wouldn't kill your
mother's boyfriend, would you?
Whoever dealt it,
melt it.
[SCREAMING]
We did it! We're alive!
Uh, with no food.
Well, Bart, I guess this is it.
You and I are the end of humanity.
[LISA GASPS]
Oh, my God.
Mom and Dad were plastic,
but somehow they created new life.
An innocent baby.
That should be easy to kill.
- Hey!
- No, no, don't you see?
Even though she's made of plastic,
this baby is the next
evolutionary phase of humanity.
This world doesn't
belong to us anymore
it belongs to her.
[NARRATOR] And so plastic
life took over the world
and thrived.
We kept the humans alive
for as long as we could,
sheltering them on reservations
and naming sports teams after them.
Eventually, they died out.
But we pay tribute to them,
because,
through their mindless consumption,
humanity created a perfect world.
And I say to myself ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
I see trees of green ♪
Red roses, too ♪
I see them bloom ♪
For me and you ♪
And I think to myself ♪
What a wonderful world ♪
Yes, I think to myself ♪
What a wonderful ♪
World ♪
And I say to myself ♪
- [SCREAMS]
- [ORGAN PLAYS]