The Simpsons s37e08 Episode Script

1
The Simpsons ♪
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
Smithers, why am I wearing my
meeting tie and chitchat spats?
Well, sir, the demand for power has
dropped recently due to a new wind farm.
My old enemy, the wind.
Mother Nature's sour belches.
Well, it's not just that.
The prison is now powering its
electric chair with a spin class.
Let's go, bitches. Fry this scum.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
The result is we have
excess power and a buyer
who wants to use it to mine
blockchain cryptocurrency.
I do know mines, chains, and crypts.
Stand back, Smithers, as I unleash
my legendary negotiation skills.
[EXECUTIVES COUGHING]
[CLOCK TICKING]
I think he might be dead.
- I win.
- Win what?
I'm ordering dinner if
you guys want anything.
[EXECUTIVES GROAN]
If you agree to triple your offer, I will
in return let in a sliver of sunlight.
- Hmm. Hmm? Mmm?
- [BLINDS CREAKING]
Would you at least look at our offer?
Hard to do without a little light.
[SMITHERS] People want pizza or Chinese?
[EXECUTIVES GROAN]
Wait, you can't leave.
We're out. We made a deal
with the Ogdenville plant.
The last straw was when
you had that weird guy
stand too close to us
with his shirt off.
- [EXECUTIVES] Ugh.
-
We getting dinner?
Storming off. A classic counter move.
Oh. They'll be back before my aunt's
ashes fall through this hourglass.
While we wait for them to return,
I have an idea how we can
monetize our excess power.
A massive concert venue.
We could make a big profit on
merchandise, concessions and parking.
Parking, the modern El Dorado.
The arena could have
video on the outside,
and, uh, we could make it an
interesting shape. Maybe spherical.
Yes, I have the perfect name.
We'll call it The Circulus.
[CHEERING]
[CLAMORING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Of course, on the day I get a zit.
- [KIDS BARKING]
- [ELECTRIC WHIRRING]
[HOWLS]
My night eyes!
Oh, the light from that stupid
Circumulus has made it impossible
to sleep here or at work.
Did you know that I passed out
at Moe's from tiredness?
[ALL GASP]
Breaking news. Ginormous
Kent Brockman here to announce
The Circulus opening act will be
K-pop sensation, Kneesock Dolls.
Tickets go on sale tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.
Kneesock Dolls! They're my favorite
girl pop band from my favorite Korea.
I wanna go. No, I need to go.
Oh, Lisa, no one enjoys loud gibberish
and screaming preteens more than me,
but that concert's on a school night.
Going just wouldn't be responsible.
But this might be my only chance to
see them and hear their defiant songs
about equal pay and cute
boys in the summertime.
Don't cry. We'll go.
We'll buy tickets and be there, I swear.
[GROANS] No daddy's daughter
ever had a better daughter daddy.
[BOTH] Mmm.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Okay, seats go on sale in one minute.
We just need to get any tickets we can
before the other fans and
their guilt-ridden daddies.
-
- [GASPS]
Sold out? How can they all
be gone in under a second?
So I'm not going?
Not a problem, sweetie. We can still
get tickets on the secondary market,
just like we did with
Grampa's pacemaker.
What the? Some guy called "SeatMiser"
has somehow snatched up every ticket
and is reselling them for $2,000 each.
It's okay, Dad. Thanks for trying.
Let's just forget it.
No. America's most sacred freedom,
the ability to buy a ticket at face
value, shall not be taken from us.
Everyone deserves their
fair shot at a seat,
whether it be concert, sporting event,
or Terry Gross in conversation
with Drama Desk Award winner,
Audra McDonald, at the 92nd Street Y.
I will get those tickets because
this is one lazy American
who won't take this
injustice standing up!
Or sober.
This SeatMiser's a real
J-E-R-Kosher sign.
Hmm.
These ticket resellers use
computer bots to buy up everything
and then jack up the prices.
It's really something to be upset about.
It's okay, Lis. You'll still get to see
the concert in videos posted by rich kids.
[GASPS] Look at this.
SeatMiser's bought up seats for
every upcoming Circulus event.
[GROANS]
- [GROANING]
- No.
[ALL GRUNTING]
[INHALES]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
I am taking a stand against predatory
resellers like this SeatMiser.
How can you stop this
aftermarket villain?
They could be using a computer anywhere
in the world, even Trinidad and/or Tobago.
Uh, wrong again, Sideshow Melvin.
I have discovered,
through cyber manipulation,
that SeatMiser's account was set up
on a library computer
right here in Springfield.
[CROWD GASPS]
I bet it's Lenny.
One day I saw him with a book.
Uh, I'm doing research for my novel
about 18th-century Hungarian
pirates on the Black Sea.
[SPLUTTERING] That idea's mine.
Nobody steal it. I'll know.
It's probably Seymour.
He comes from a troubled home.
To find this pernicious ticket reseller,
I have brought in one of the FBI's
most decorated criminal profilers.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
My name is not public information.
I used to catch violent serial killers,
but now we just leave that to
documentaries and podcasts.
Which leaves me free to
dedicate my extensive skills
to fighting this new,
highly irritating breed of semi-crime.
I know ticket trafficking is a sin,
but is it against the law?
Well, it's illegal in some states,
and since I don't know
what state this is,
it could be here too.
I will bring this SeatMiser to justice,
and they will be prosecuted to
the fullest extent of the law.
Assuming there is a law against
this kind of thing here.
[CROWD CHEERS]
I'm so proud of you for not
saying anything at a town meeting.
[MUFFLED] Mouth stuck with taffy.
Even if they catch this stupid ticket
reseller, I still can't go to the concert.
I'm sorry, Lisa. I guess Daddy
didn't come through for you.
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God. You never thought
I would come through for you.
No. No, I did. I always think
you'll come through for me.
Oh, I've set the bar so low I
can't even disappoint you anymore.
The way you're making this all
about you is a little disappointing.
Don't try to cheer me up. I'm gonna get
those tickets by any means necessary.
And when I don't,
you better be let down.
- [GROANING]
- [BANGING]
Stupid amazing Circulus creating an
economic system easily exploitable
by ruthless capitalists with
a technological advantage.
[OTTO] Hey. Hey, buddy.
Word on the street is
your daughter's desperate
for tickets to the Kneesock Dolls.
[GASPS] The street is right.
Come into my office.
[SIGHS] This is the way ticket
buying is supposed to be.
From a sketchy dude in a parking lot
who you'd never talk to in real life.
I got four seats. They can be yours
for 500 bucks and clean urine.
Uh, how about 450 and cleanish?
Deal.
Hmm.
[ELECTRIC WHIRRING]
[LISA GROANS]
That thing is so bright.
Everyone, put on your sleep helmets.
Guys, guess which hero is amazing.
This one.
Ticket, ticket, ticket, ticket.
[LISA] Oh, my God!
Dad, I'm so sorry I wasn't
madder at you before.
Can you ever forgive me?
Of course I can't.
[GROANS] I don't wanna go
to Lisa's stupid girl band.
But it could be cool to hate-watch
something on a screen that big.
I can't wait to hear the songs live I've
been forced to listen to driving carpool.
And now with no off-key Janey.
Off-key?
[CRYING]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
You have to tell me when
you're having a sleepover.
I wasn't.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
Girl pow-pow-power ♪
Ladies are now in
your ivory tower ♪
You men don't own poor behavior ♪
Nuh-uh,
bad's also our favorite flavor ♪
We can embezzle, more ♪
We can gamble, get poor ♪
Objectify, watch us be grosser,
ew Harass, watch us stand closer ♪
We put a web cam in your shower
'Cause we're rocking girl power ♪
Girl pow-pow-power Hey ♪
Girl pow-pow-power Ah, hey ♪
Okay, 30 seconds.
I lasted longer than I thought I would.
I'm gonna go check this place out.
Hmm.
Mmm. Hmm.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Hey, what's with all the security?
Oh, I'm not supposed to tell anyone.
Don't tell anyone what?
That this whole concert
is just a giant trap.
Giant trap?
Yeah. The FBI profiler
figured out that the guy
who's reselling all the tickets
is gonna be at this show tonight.
Yep, the police are finally
gonna catch SeatMiser.
Well, that sure sucks for SeatMiser.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Also known as me.
Hmm.
[BUZZES]
- [BEEPING]
-
[BART] This profiler thinks
she's got me cornered,
but there's no corners in a Circulus.
So this SeatMiser guy is pretty screwed,
am I right?
Totally. Every exit is covered by cops.
The only possible way out is
through the restricted areas.
But you can't get into those without
an employee pass, like this one.
- Yoink.
- Did someone say, "Yoink"?
This concert is the
perfect trap for SeatMiser.
These ticket-reselling psychos
can't resist showing up
to silently gloat over their victims.
[BART] Damn, she's good.
The money's nice, but the gloating is
[EXHALING] Whoa.
So SeatMiser's here in the
eye of The Circulus, huh?
But, uh, which one
of these 10,000 people is he?
Well, my profiling tells me we're looking
for a kid from Springfield Elementary.
[GASPS]
What would a kid even do with all
the money they'd make from this?
How about funding a campaign
of targeted harassment?
He started with the Springfield
State marching band,
and just keeps raising the stakes.
My intel confirms that Skinner
is the principal of the school,
and also he does in fact suck.
So focus on every kid who's 12 or under.
Before we know it, "Skinner sucks"
will be projected on the moon.
[BART] How'd she know? I'm still
waiting on quotes from three moon guys.
Uh, Lou, stick with me.
I was eating corn nuts
while she was talking,
and all I heard was,
"Crunch, crunch, crunch."
[BEEPS]
[LAUGHS]
[PROFILER ON COMMS] By now our target
is aware of our security presence
and will try to escape
somewhere backstage.
[YELPS]
[MUFFLED LAUGHING]
[PROFILER] Next, this psycho
will try to cause a distraction
so they can slip out.
Cover all fire alarms to
eliminate any attempted chaos.
[GASPS]
Hey, what are you doing
back here, pally?
[BART] Uh Uh
Um
[AS ANDREW] I work here. See?
Uh, don't worry, kid.
One day, your face will clear up,
and you'll be quite the handsome pally.
[SIGHS]
["TOUCH" PLAYING]
Bart's missing a great show.
These seats are so close you can see
their guitars don't have strings.
Oh, my God.
Ha-Yun just winked at our section.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[GRUNTING]
- [SIGHS]
- [PHONE BUZZES]
We've got him now. Buying those
tickets will allow us to triangulate
the exact location of SeatMiser's phone.
Ah, the triangle, geometry's bloodhound.
[BEEPING]
[PHONE BUZZES]
[PROFILER] The kid's backstage
by the knee sock darning station.
[GASPS]
[PROFILER] As long as SeatMiser's
got his phone on him, he's ours.
[GASPS]
[PHONE BUZZES]
I know I swore we'd be
together until a new model
with a slightly better camera comes out.
Just try to remember the good times.
The texting, the prank calls,
the conversations I avoided
while pretending to look at you.
Still, I don't have any other choice.
[SIGHS]
I love you so much. [CRIES]
Guys, they're gonna do "Girl-cott."
["GIRL-COTT" PLAYING]
From Man-ila to Man-hattan ♪
A girl-cott's about to happen ♪
Your sexist terms
won't define us ♪
Put that in your brain
Like wo-meningitis ♪
- Wo-manicures? ♪
- For sures ♪
A her-inal? ♪
Eter-inal ♪
- Wo-manatee? ♪
- Queen of the sea ♪
- Wo-Menendez sisters? ♪
- Take that misters ♪
We're fighting for your daughters
To call murder wo-manslaughter ♪
How will you boys
Deal with this damage? ♪
You'll just have to find
A way to wo-manage ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
Where were you?
Um There was a huge
line for the men's room.
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
[BART] Okay, concert's over.
I just need to make it out of here.
Adults on the left,
all kids line up on the right.
[BART] Oh. Stupid profiler.
What could she have on me?
I got rid of everything
tying me to SeatMiser.
What SeatMiser doesn't
know is we found his phone.
The kid tried to toilet drown it.
Luckily, we saved it using high-level
water-absorbing technology.
When we find the kid whose face unlocks
this phone, we've found SeatMiser.
[BEEPS]
It didn't open. You're clear.
[SCOFFS] What's going on up there?
[STAMMERS] What do you
think they're doing?
Hey. You know what'd be funny?
If you and I switch clothes.
[LAUGHS]
They're gonna catch you.
What? What are you talking about?
I know you're the SeatMiser.
Me? That's ridiculous.
How would a straight-D student like
me set up a high-tech scam like this?
Just like you do anything,
the laziest way possible.
[KNUCKLES CRACK]
That's nuts.
If I was some ticket criminal,
why'd Dad have to buy tickets from Otto?
Because Otto got them from you.
At first, I thought you were just
selling the dog's anxiety pills again.
I didn't want to believe it,
but you're the SeatMiser.
You're wrong. And if the Kneesock
Dolls met you, they wouldn't like you.
[GASPS] Once they got to know me,
they would.
Anyway, as sickened as I am that
you're taking advantage of people,
it also means that you're the reason I'm
here tonight. And that was very sweet.
Pfft. I don't do sweet things.
Sweet's a taste I can't savor.
Being bad's my favorite flavor.
Oh! Look who knows
a Kneesock Dolls' lyric.
[GASPS] You like their music.
You wanted us to share this
experience as a family.
Maybe. If I was this guy, but I'm not.
And you can't prove I am.
- I don't have to. She will.
- [GASPS]
You're clear.
[BEEPS]
Well, well. You're the last one.
I think we know what that means.
[GULPS]
[BEEPS]
What?
[BART] Hmm.
Oops.
[PROFILER GRUNTS]
Tonight was a total waste.
All we caught were two lousy
deviants and a serial killer.
[GROANS]
Somehow SeatMiser got by us. [GRUNTS]
I guess I was wrong.
This hasn't happened since sports
trivia night. I'm sorry, Bart.
Huh. I can't decide what I like better,
my freedom or seeing you humiliated.
But I'm glad you had a
good time at the concert.
And hey,
I got to see every part of The Circulus.
I even visited the room where
they upload images for the dome.
By the way, the reason that
phone didn't recognize me is
because when I set up the facial
recognition, I didn't use my face.
[BEEPS]
[CHIMES]
[GASPS]
[CACKLES]
Shhh!