The Simpsons s37e09 Episode Script

1
[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]
[BOTH YAWN, GROAN]
[RIPS]
- [BOTH GRUNT]
-
- [SIGHS]
- [SIGHS] Yeah.
Morning, ladies.
Get off our case, Ken.
We're working as fast as we can.
We're human beings, you toad.
I guess you haven't heard.
I won that $100 million lottery,
so my lawyer says I should retire.
No one wants a supervisor job,
so heads or tails?
Heads.
Heads, so the new supervisor is, um
the one with the circle earrings.
Selma.
We're two different people, Ken.
You still share the same e-mail?
[BOTH] Yes.
Fine. Selma, congratulations.
I'll send you the onboarding info when
I get back from the Ferrari dealership.
Supervisor. Huh.
This could be good for us.
Finally,
no one breathing down our neck humps.
Yeah, no one.
Another perfect checkup, Lisa.
Next.
Hang tight, Dr K.
I just got to freshen up.
All right. Let's see
what we're working with here.
[SCREAMING]
- "Four-hour teeth cleaning"
- [BART CACKLES]
"Emergency whitening.
Oreo exposure therapy
for the hygienist."
Do you have any idea how
much your stunt cost?
Can you really put a price
on that kind of comedy?
What I can do is find a
punishment that fits the crime.
Now you have an
appointment with Dr. Homer.
It's time to open wide and say, "Ah."
My next patient, Xbox.
Oh! You You wouldn't.
I can feel it.
Why can I feel it?
- [TICKING]
-
Patty, look at that line.
You've been bedazzling for hours.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay, Ken.
- Dazzler down.
"Denied" stamp up, please.
[GROWLS]
This is my new office with a window,
so I can see my staff working or
Patty reading lesbian vampire erotica.
[GROWLS]
Homer.
Relax. It's on reverse.
And here's my office air conditioner,
so I don't have to sweat
like the rank and file.
Keep clicking. I'll be in the can.
Upstairs bathroom!
Candle!
[BOTH SHIVER]
Oh, stupid Homer.
If he mouth-cookied a dentist, he'd be
all like, "Who else could I mouth-cookie?"
My life would be so awesome
if Mom had never met him.
Hmm. Sounds like you're
finally seeing the light.
I hate Homer so much.
Hmm, perhaps the enemy of my
brother-in-law is my nephew.
You know, Selma and I have been planning
something very special
for Homer J. Simpson,
but these days,
Selma's too busy busting my clangers.
I know a way to kill your dad.
Whoa, whoa.
I don't want to murder the guy.
Oh, crap. Now I'm intrigued. Explain.
Not actually dead, just officially dead.
All I gotta do is log in as my
supervisor, Selma, with face recognition.
Check this box, and Homer
Simpson will be legally deceased.
Trust me, it will make every
aspect of his life a living hell.
He won't even be able to rent a U-Haul.
[GIGGLES] He loves renting those things.
And he's gone.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[HOMER] Come on, get in there!
Ghost pepper?
More like Casper the friendly ghost.
Oh. Now it's kicking in.
[SCREAMING]
[SIREN BLARES]
Sorry, Officer. I was distracted
because somebody threw a
burrito through my window.
Eh, nothing good like that
ever happens to me.
License.
That's strange.
According to the state database,
you're
you're dead.
Dead? Can I still rent a U-Haul?
You do seem alive,
but this police machine is in charge,
so I can't give you a ticket.
Might want to get that cleared up.
Otherwise,
you won't be paying taxes or union dues
or getting any more spam phone calls.
Hmm. No taxes, dues, or the last thing?
Maybe death can give me the
life I've always dreamed of.
["END OF THE LINE" PLAYING]
Well, it's all right ♪
Riding around in the breeze ♪
- Well, it's all right ♪
-
If you live the life you please ♪
- Well, it's all right ♪
-
Doing the best you can ♪
Well, it's all right ♪
As long as you lend a hand ♪
Hey, hey.
Homer was one of our greatest patrons.
Burger Reynolds, Princess Fry
and I are honored to induct you
into the Krusty Burger Widow's
Free Fast Food for Life Club.
Thanks, I guess.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
I should have died years ago.
Oh. How could this
have backfired so hard?
You got too much slack
in your pen chains.
The handbook says 35 beads max. [GRUNTS]
Do yourself a favor
and read it over lunch.
How about I take my lunch right now?
Nah!
Whoa!
Aunt Patty, I think
we made a mistake killing my dad.
You didn't. Tell me you didn't.
Big deal.
I logged in as you and
had Homer declared dead.
You impersonated a DMV supervisor,
you committed document fraud,
and worst of all, you executed
Operation Kill Fatso without me.
What are you gonna do about it?
Patricia Agatha Cruella Bouvier,
you are fired.
Oho!
Oh!
[GASPS] It's just hitting me now.
You two are twins!
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah. I'm sorry she said that, Patty.
Hold one sec.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Selma, you can call her an A,
you can call her a B,
but you can't call her a
Ho-Hold one sec.
Yes, Lenny, I know they're twins.
[SIGHS] Ever since Selma
got this promotion,
I haven't had a minute of peace.
All day long, I'm on the phone listening
to my sisters trash-talk each other.
Honey, life is so short.
Certainly mine was.
So, take it from your late husband,
ghost those hags.
If you get the job,
we're really gonna need you
to push the customers
towards the heavier mix-ins.
[GROWLS]
Fine, but I can only work
Mondays and Wednesdays.
Thursdays, Zoom only.
Um, I think we tell you the schedule.
Uh. Thanks for coming in,
but this isn't gonna work out.
Hey, Aunt Patty.
I'm sorry I got you fired.
Uh, it's not your fault.
Me and my sister were
due for a falling out.
She thinks she's so perfect, superior,
bossy, know-it-all,
Mom and Dad's favorite.
Wow, sounds like you got
yourself a real Lisa there.
[CHUCKLES] I guess you and I are
sort of the black sheep, aren't we?
We're underachievers
and damn proud of it.
But I'd be extra screwed up if
people also confused me for Lisa.
Whoa.
You know,
you don't have to look just like Selma.
Genetics seem to say otherwise.
There's gotta be something you
can change to shake things up.
Hmm.
- Grace Jones.
- Too '80s.
- Pippi!
- Too Wendy's.
- Dachshund.
- That's a dog.
Come on, Aunt P. We're not here
to just jump in the deep end.
It's time to dive in the shallow end.
Well, I do have an idea, but no,
no, it's probably too crazy.
I live.
Ready to meet your new fabulous aunt?
[GROWLS] Ay, caramba!
Next!
People just do whatever
they want with me.
You look ridiculous.
What do you care?
I don't care.
I'm glad you don't.
It's just,
what if someone thinks you're me?
Sounds like somebody cares.
I don't.
I'm just worried about Jub-Jub.
I've never seen him so upset.
Patty's out of control.
First, she gets a ridiculous haircut.
And did I tell you what condiments
she got on the TV remote?
Yes, but Lisa hasn't heard yet.
Why don't you tell her?
Under the bus, huh, Mom?
It was ketchup,
mustard and honey mustard.
Mind if I smoke?
Again, yes.
It sounds like you're going through
a really tough time, Aunt Selma.
You have no idea what it's
like living your whole life
with a sibling whose only
joy is making you miserable.
Actually,
I know exactly what that's like.
Patty's always stunting
my personal growth.
I even stopped dating because she
resented whenever I made a connection.
Interesting.
Well, maybe it's time to dust
off your online dating profile.
How old is that photo?
It's not that old.
You're at a Howard Johnson's.
Well, if you want
the most bang for your hole,
I'd suggest we do your tragus.
It's the third sexiest part of the ear.
Oh, gross.
You gotta do that one.
If Bart says it's a go, it's a go.
Oh. One more thing.
You don't have a fear
of extreme pain, do you?
No, I have a fear of stupid questions.
I think I'm gonna enjoy this.
Awesome!
Oh.
Uh.
- Who the hell are you?
- Merle.
I'm your sister's new nighttime friend,
and you must be the infamous twin.
Did you sleep over?
Well, I didn't break in.
Can I make you some eggs?
It's a special recipe, same one
they serve in the JFK Delta Lounge.
- I see you've met the what's-his-face.
- Merle!
We've got only two rules here.
MacGyver every Sunday and no unvetted
Merles without the approval of both twins.
I have no twin anymore, ever since
she weed-whacked half her head.
This may be my infected tragus talking,
but I'm done with this, all of this.
I hope you like tarragon.
At least my life coach
isn't a ten-year-old boy.
Every second I'm around you,
I feel like I'm in prison.
That's the one thing we have in common.
I'm outta here.
Have a nice life.
Big relationship question.
Eggs runny or dry?
I can live with either,
but I gotta know now.
[MARGE] Selma, calm down.
What do you mean Patty moved out?
[GASPS] Patty's gone? Where'd she go?
She said she's going to the place
where she'll finally be happy
and she's never coming back.
["THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING"
PLAYING]
These boots are made for walking ♪
And that's just what they'll do ♪
One of these days these boots ♪
- Are gonna walk all over you ♪
-
I should've done this years ago.
I feel so free.
This is a queer paradise.
We have slurs for straight people here
and the obscene amount of water
wasted keeping this place green
I love it.
But what are you going to do for work?
I already got a job.
There's a high demand here
for somebody like myself
with experience in government
regulatory enforcement.
So you're applying to change a kitchen
faucet in your 1948 Albert Frey house.
We found a perfect match to the original
Pfister center set hammered copper faucet.
Hmm. I'm not seeing patina.
Y-Yeah, that's because it's new,
but with time
Time is a luxury you do not have.
[GRUNTS]
Let me just taste your tiramisu.
Looks so good.
Sorry, I don't have an extra spoon.
I don't mind. I'll just use yours.
Give me the check!
A Costington's store credit card.
Oh, no. Homer,
that rewards program is a joke.
But lucky for you, I'm something
of a credit card points guru.
I'm gonna get you into
a premium platinum card.
I-I know you're going to have a little
sticker shock at the annual fee,
but you'll forget all about
that once you're relaxing
in airport lounges with all the
meatballs you can fit on a 4-inch plate.
He's one of those points guys.
I don't want my money to work for me.
So how much would you say you're
spending on flights and hotels a month?
[STAMMERS]
Oh, I thought
things would be much better
now that Patty's moved
to Bed Death Valley,
but this Merle guy, and I don't
say this lightly, is a rough hang.
Well, Selma seems happy, and Patty seems
like she's thriving in Palm Springfield,
and what's more important than seeming?
Mom, Lisa and I have gotten closer to
our aunts over the past couple weeks,
and we don't think
they're doing so good.
But seems.
I think Selma's just
pretending to like Merle.
She makes him go to Starbucks
to use the bathroom,
and she makes him sleep
on the porch of her building.
He's like her outdoor cat.
Yeah, and based on her social media,
I don't think Aunt Patty's much better.
Oh.
The superficial fixes didn't
go nearly as deep as I hoped.
How can I be happy when
my sisters are so sad?
Don't worry, we have a plan.
Patty posted that she's going
to a ladies' golf tournament
this weekend in Palm Springfield.
They both love golf.
Patty loves how fit the ladies are.
Selma loves how unfit the guys are,
so we parent-trap them into
going to the same tournament.
Then we fix it so they
run into each other
and they'll realize all
their problems are dumb.
Oh. The tournament's sold out.
The only tickets left are
in the Amex VIP lounge.
[GROANS]
As someone who's already dead,
it kills me to say this.
There is one way into
the Amex VIP lounge.
Amex? [CHUCKLES]
No problem.
We all sign up for Air
Shelbyville credit cards for,
you can't believe they're being so dumb,
a 100K bonus miles each.
Then we take a short
flight to Sioux Falls
which will skyrocket us
to the diamond-mile tier,
which we will immediately transfer
to Comfort Lodge Discover Plus cards.
After just one night in their
guaranteed suites program,
we are earning 5x, 10x,
the multiples are insane.
And then we bring it all home
by booking a hot air balloon,
prime rib adventure for 20 people
and then immediately canceling it.
And that will get Homer
to one million points
or tickets to the Subaru
Dr. Martens LPGA Tournament,
VIP Amex Lounge.
Merle, I gotta give it up to you.
That was a hell of a points heist.
[BUZZES]
I'm sorry, sir,
but it says here you're dead.
That's correct.
Well, we can't let you in.
All your tickets are void because
the cardholder is deceased.
Merle, what do we do?
Well, I've run across this issue
on a hotel points comment thread,
and I'm afraid you're going to
need to be alive again, Homer.
No, no, no.
Now that I've tasted the sweet release
of death, I don't want to live.
How much longer do I have?
I'm sorry, but you're out of time.
Please, Homer.
Patty and Selma are my closest family.
I get it.
I also know how hard it's been
being a widow with three kids.
Marge, you're the only person in the world
I'd be willing to lay down my death for.
Hey, Aunt Selma, quick photo.
Okay, Bart, you're a go.
- Patty, look. It's Cynthia Nixon.
- Hey, Aunt Selma.
You'll get an even better
view of Nelly Korda
if you take three big steps backwards.
I assume this was your idea.
Another in your long list
of stupid life decisions.
No, it wasn't.
And I wish the triplet we
absorbed in the womb was you.
You've always been jealous
that I'm the hot one.
[BOTH MUMBLING]
It's their secret twin language.
They haven't used it since
they were little kids.
[COMMENTATOR 1] What's happening
down there in hole one?
[COMMENTATOR 2] It appears
two aging spinsters' decades
of repressed conflict has suddenly
broken through to the surface.
[COMMENTATOR 1] Yep.
Two more casualties of this notoriously
difficult Jack Nicklaus-designed par five.
Stop. Stop. Please stop it!
It used to be you two
against the world and Homer.
What if this, what you two have, is the
one truly great relationship in your life?
Patty, do you actually like
living here in Palm Springfield?
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
I hate it here.
Who moves to the desert when
they're having hot flashes?
And the brunch lines. Oho!
- [BUZZES]
- I put my name on the list two days ago.
And, Selma,
do you really want to be with Merle?
No, I'm miserable!
The sex is fine, but the endless
cuddling after is killing me.
I'm a cuddler.
Sex to me is foreplay.
Cuddling is the main event.
Is it possible we've been
twins for our whole lives,
but we've never had a
real honest conversation?
We know twin talk,
but we gotta work on our sister talk.
Uh.
[IN TWIN LANGUAGE] I love you.
[IN TWIN LANGUAGE] I love you too.
Wait times are lower than ever,
and no one's better than you
at catching the dirty words
people try to sneak
on their vanity plates.
See?
Actually, that one's
just Mr. Burns's eighth car.
This is why we need you.
All right,
I'll come back to Springfield,
but I think it's time that we
each get our own apartment.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, it's all right ♪
- All right ♪
Riding around in the breeze ♪
- Well, it's all right ♪
- All right ♪
If you live the life you please ♪
- Well, it's all right ♪
-
Even if the sun don't shine ♪
- Well, it's all right ♪
- All right ♪
We're going to the
end of the line ♪
Shh!