The Simpsons s37e10 Episode Script

1
Children, you've been extra good,
so you've earned a
very special field trip.
Get ready for the best day
of your lives at the Waterpark…
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
- …Museum of Late Victorian Textiles.
- [STUDENTS GROANING]
[GROANS]
I saw the word "waterpark" and
got too excited to read the rest.
[GRUNTS]
The entrance hall carpet is
a reproduction of an original
that Mr. Waterpark
saw on a trip to Utrecht.
Any guesses as to its ornamentation?
[GRUNTS]
Anyone?
Wilton. It's a Wilton pattern.
You're the first person
that's ever gotten that.
And a docent never forgets her first.
[CHUCKLES]
[STUDENTS] Ew.
Kids, you've seen the foyer.
Now let's visit the demi-foyer.
[STUDENTS GROAN]
Well, there's only one cure
for this type of boredom.
A Gilded Age home invasion.
[LAUGHS]
Nope. Nope.
Nope.
Ugh. There's gotta be something
fun in this dust dungeon.
Hmm?
- Whoa.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Something.
Don't be afraid to feel the perforations
on this Edwardian sable felt.
I'm not afraid.
Psst.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[ALL] Something.
[STUDENTS GIGGLING, CHEERING]
I'm making it snow over the
lighthouse in St. Augustine.
Snow globe fight!
[STUDENTS LAUGHING, SCREAMING]
Hmm, this brocade.
I've never felt such a luxurious warp.
Twiddle the weft.
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- [BART] Eat globe!
[GASPS] My charges.
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
[YELPS]
[GROANING]
This horseplay stops now.
Globes down.
- Heads-up.
- Raise my head?
Heard and understood.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[SKINNER] Oh, these past
weeks have been difficult.
Five eyeball surgeries. Two lid grafts.
Now I have rods, but no cones.
But I have a purpose.
Even though it's the last day before
spring break, I had to come back
so I could say the words
every principal dreams of saying.
You are garbage parents.
Garbage parents?
Even me?
Yes, both of you spawned
that snow-globe-hurling monster.
[BOTH GROAN]
He said, "Heads-up."
And I raised my head accordingly.
[BOTH GASP]
Please, Principal Skinner.
Bart's not a bad kid.
If only you could see my
special little guy the way I do.
Come on, Marge. Bart's
the devil, and you know it.
Anyway, it's your fault for taking
an amped-up psycho like that
to a water park.
It wasn't a water park.
Oh, I didn't read past the first
word on the permission slip.
All you parents are the same.
Take credit when your kids succeed
and make excuses when they fail.
It's disgusting.
It's because of parents like you that…
[OVER PA] …I hate children!
[SOBS]
[CLEARS THROAT] Disregard.
Have a nice spring break.
Mother, I'm home.
[AGNES] Dear Seymour,
I'm sorry I didn't visit
you in the hospital.
Oh. No mother wants to see her son…
period.
I'm going to Atlantic City with Jasper.
It'll be a month of nonstop poker,
and we might get
some card playing in too.
[CHUCKLES] Wink, wink.
Ha!
Must be nice to be able to wink. [SIGHS]
Just as well.
I have a whole spring
break to do what I wanna do.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Ah. Textbook requisition forms
and room temperature Mr. Pibb.
This is the high life.
- [LOUD CLATTERING]
- [STAMMERS]
Who goes there?
[CLATTERING CONTINUES]
[SKITTERING]
That's no who.
It's a what.
[WILLIE] Go away. I'm
about to score with my wife.
But there's a creature
loose in the school.
Why didn't you say so, man?
Our Scottish Scrabble game can wait.
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]
Now go kill a frightened,
defenseless animal
that stumbled into the world of man.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[THUDDING]
The creature.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm a ghost of a kid who died long ago
when kids used to die all the time.
A specter!
Those weren't dog bones
I found in the sandbox!
You're no apparition. You've
been living in my library.
Living in a library?
[SCOFFS] That's sick, man.
How can you say that to a little kid?
Now get off my lawn.
A student holing up in the school.
How can I live this down?
A blemish like this on
my permanent record.
[LAUGHING] What the hell is
coming out of your eyes, you freak?
It's whimsical snow.
I recognize you. Your name is Hub.
You're a student here.
This blatant infraction is
going directly into your file.
Well, good luck with that,
sparkle tears. I'm not in there.
You're not enrolled? But I've seen you.
You're in Ms. Peyton's class.
One of those kids that sits in the back
between Eyeglasses Girl and
Bucktooth Boy and never speaks.
Good Lord. You've been
pretending to be a student
so you could live at the school.
[MOCKING] So you
could live at the school.
Live at the school.
[GARBLED MOCKING] …school.
Where are your parents?
Where are your parents?
My mother's with Jasper,
and my father's ashes are in a
bag in the upstairs sewing room.
Now come clean.
Seymour, what the devil is going on?
Look out! It's your pimp.
He's not my pimp.
I've got this, sir. I'm
calling Child Services.
You do, and I will cut you like a bitch.
[GASPS]
If the state learns a runaway
child has been squatting here,
they'll turn this school into a
Spirit Halloween store, okay?
You keep this child
under your supervision
until you locate his family
and return him to them.
I'm going back to bed.
The next time I see you,
you better have my money…
requisition forms for
next year's textbooks.
You can tell he really values you.
Don't get comfortable. You're
only here till I find your parents.
Look, Principal Skinner, you're
not going to find them. They're dead.
Oh, my Lord. I'm so sorry.
It was horrible.
Their hot-air balloon drifted over
North Korea on Kim Jong-Un's birthday
and was hit by a celebratory ICBM.
- [MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
- Outright fibbery!
Oh, my God. You are so dumb.
How did you live this long?
You don't give me respect,
then you don't get any.
You are not leaving
Mother's sewing room until…
[GASPS, GRUNTS]
Give me strength, Papa.
Get back in here.
Aw. But I was gonna
go out and find America.
[GROANS]
This was fun, but I gotta
go. You've been a great host.
Five stars.
[SIGHS]
It's time to swallow my
pride and ask for help.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Marge, a man is here.
Principal Skinner?
Did you come to yell at us again?
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.
I come to you hat in hand.
I've never had to deal with a child
outside the hours of 8:10 to 2:45.
I need your advice. How
do I handle this handful?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You're asking us? The garbage parents?
[CACKLES] But we spawned a monster.
[SIMPSONS CACKLING]
One day with a kid,
and he's already broken.
And now he needs our help.
Please. I'm desperate.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, okay. [CHUCKLES]
Where's the kid now?
In my house. I hired Nelson to sit.
I'm cold. Can you turn the heat up?
You're the client.
[FARTS]
Please. I'm at my wits' end.
I need your help with Hub.
Okay, because you begged nicely,
we'll share a couple of
nuggets of parental wisdom.
Sometimes, challenging
kids just wanna be recognized.
Find what the little miracle is
interested in and encourage it.
Be a hard-ass. Every day
should be like his first day in prison,
and he's all alone in
the yard without a shiv.
Flood him with hugs.
Crush his spirit.
Give him a shoulder to cry on.
Quit your crying!
[MARGE] Tell him he's loved.
- [HOMER] Tell him he's lucky to be alive.
- [MARGE] Nourish his creativity.
[HOMER] Lock him in a dog crate.
Good Lord. Someone could
slip on this watery plastic.
Or worse, slide.
Wet orphan coming through.
[BOTH] Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa!
Oh. Uh-oh. We meet again, Darth Tedious.
[LAUGHS]
Give this kid a break. His
parents died on the Titanic.
[MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Good afternoon, Seymour.
Here for your usual?
Oh, no, thank you, Phillip.
We need to get this ragamuffin
some respectable schoolboy clothes.
Hmm. Perhaps a poplin pullover
and corduroy perma-crease slacks.
[GROANS]
[HUB] The world's most boring
loser Is making me dress just like him ♪
His house smells like old lady pee ♪
But he's so used to the
smell That he can't smell it ♪
Will you get on with it?
By Doug Henning's
mustache. He's escaped.
[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
[PANTING]
Hub!
- There you are.
- [GASPS]
- Come out of there right now.
- Make me.
[GASPING] My greasy
fingers won't let me… [GRUNTS]
There's no lifeguard. Hang on, boy.
[COUGHS]
[GASPING]
[COUGHS] You saved me.
All I've done is say mean
stuff to you, run away
and scratch up all your records
where dogs bark Christmas carols.
It's fine. Those dogs
are long dead anyway.
It's not like I can go see
them in concert again.
But of course I saved
you. You were in danger.
Thanks, Seymour.
In all my years as a principal,
I've… I've never been hugged.
I feel like I'm floating on air.
[TABLE FAN BLOWING]
[BARKING "JINGLE BELLS"]
Well, that's marvelous.
You're very talented.
Look out, Perry Como.
Oh. I like how you know
people I've never heard of.
Ah, spoken like a young Mort Sahl.
["ROOM 222 - THEME" PLAYING]
Well, so ends the first spring
break where I actually had fun.
[SIGHS] Well, I suppose I must
resume the hunt for your parents.
Oh, well, good luck with that.
They were on a Japanese game show
and they drowned in a
giant toilet full of salmon roe.
[CHUCKLES]
You and your fantastical falsehoods.
[SIGHS] Well, catch you
later. Time to lone-wolf it again.
Returning to the background.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Nourish his creativity.
Nope. No talent. Tone deaf.
Dance, ten. Looks, three.
Ooh, Principal Skinner.
Dewey, you've got one more auditionee.
I don't wanna be in some
stupid bunny musical.
I thought we were cool. I went
to see Laser Beethoven with you.
The weird smoke there made me
fall asleep. Don't make me do this.
Be a hard-ass. Make him do it.
If you don't, I will.
I'm not giving you the choice.
You're a talented kid
with untapped potential.
Now get up there and audition.
Why did I make Hub audition?
He's probably dying of
embarrassment in there.
Seymour, you're a fool.
You have a master's degree in education,
but the parenting
skills of a basketball.
- I'm sorry, Hub.
- Okay, I tried out like you said.
They hated me.
For being so awesome.
I'm playing Farmer
McGregor. I'm in three scenes.
One with Peter Rabbit.
[GASPS] Aw!
I did it. I'm parenting,
and I'm good at it.
How do you like me now, Spalding
Dirk Nowitzki autograph special?
Okay, daffodils, daffodils.
Spring has sprung.
Peter Rabbit comes out.
And cue Farmer McGregor.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Who's been eating my carrots?
Exit McGregor.
Peter Rabbit launches
into his big number,
"I've Been Eating the Carrots."
That's it? That's all you got for Hub?
It's not all.
He sweeps up the bandannas
after the hoedown scene.
Dewey, I'm starting to
think you lack the vision
to make these characters come to life.
And you could do better?
Fine. Here's the headset.
You want it? Take it,
take it. Just Just take it.
[MUTTERING ANGRILY]
Well, cast, um, who's
ready to go on a ride with me
as we explore the depths
of our new protagonist,
- Farmer McGregor?
- [PIANO RIFF PLAYS]
Okay, so, the thing you guys
don't get about Farmer McGregor
is he's the best actor in the world,
and you're just a bunch of dumb animals.
Now, let's have fun with this.
What the hell is this [BLEEP]?
Farmer McGregor only has three lines
and two of them are, "Here
comes Peter Rabbit." Me.
We're gonna fix that.
Lisa Simpson, I need a
rewrite by third period tomorrow.
Beef up the McGregor
character. Explore his inner world.
Give Hub something
worthy of his talents.
Fix the script.
I get to be every
eight-year-old girl's hero:
Steven Zaillian.
Milhouse is a joy to have in the room.
He just needs to stop practicing
his kissing on female lunch box images.
You hear that, Luann? Female.
These thin-skinned parents unable
to handle the slightest feedback
about their perfect children.
[SIGHS] Who's next?
That would be Hub,
but his parents didn't sign
up for the conference, so…
I'll stand in for them.
Okay, well, I I can get
to Hub's strengths in a sec,
but I'll start with
some of his stretches.
[SCOFFS] Well, that won't take long.
Yes, he used to be so
quiet and unassuming,
but now that he's starring in the play,
he's become a bit of a show-off.
You're fired.
But I… No, no, I I'm
merely pointing out that Hub
Is coming into his own.
He's talented. He's a supernova.
What are you? A fourth-grade
teacher in a failing school?
And this boy is an orphan.
His parents both had
Benjamin Button disease
and died as 85-year-old babies.
Hmm. That's another thing.
Hub has a tendency to…
lie.
He's an actor.
Actors lie for a
living. That's their art.
Don't you dare say another
harsh word about my…
- Hub.
- Seymour, you are his principal,
not his father.
[SIGHS] Of course. You're right.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Excellent, Willie.
Forty down, 360 to go.
Ooh. Look who's coming to town. Hub.
Well, this is your big night.
They're all here to see you.
And I'm ready to bring the thunder.
Look out, theatergoers, here comes…
Holy crud.
Butterflies, eh?
From Brando to Balki,
all the great ones get 'em.
Break a leg, son.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Peter Rabbit is dead.
Who will save the farm?
- [DRUM ROLL]
- [ALL CHANTING] McGregor. McGregor.
- [MUSIC FIZZLES OUT]
- [AUDIENCE MURMURING]
That's your cue, Olivier.
Hub!
The adoption.
I spooked him.
Hub, wait. Come back.
Dad!
He called me Dad. He
wants me to adopt him.
Son, you just made me the happiest…
What are you doing here?
We're your parents. That's what.
Ha-ha! You thought
he was running to you.
Your mother dances for coupons,
and your father has a second
family he loves more than you.
[WHIMPERS]
How did you find me?
Your face is on every light
pole from here to Ogdenville.
[SIGHS] I… I don't understand.
We don't either.
You've got some explaining
to do, Alexander Hubley.
[GROANS]
Mom and Dad dumped me at boarding school
with a bunch of other snooty jerks
with rich parents who don't give a crap.
I couldn't take it, so I bailed
and came to Springfield.
I liked it here.
And now we've found you.
Yeah, well, it only took
you like five months.
We're sorry, son.
Come on. Let's go home.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh,
due to an administrator getting his
heart broken into a million pieces,
we are canceling the play.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Yeah, I hear your
cheers of disappointment,
but, unfortunately, we have
lost our Farmer McGregor.
No, you haven't.
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
A farmer rises with the sun,
coaxing life out of the earth
and nourishing the
beasts under his dominion.
But I wanna talk about one
particular creature on my farm.
A wayward mouse who had been
abandoned by his rich mouse parents
at an elite boarding farm.
Wait, I didn't write
any of this mouse junk.
You didn't write anything.
You just ran the room.
Picking good stuff is just as
hard as creating good stuff.
The mouse ran away and hid in the barn,
blending in with the other animals,
afraid to call attention to himself.
Then, a kind old mouse found him.
He shared with him the
cheese of encouragement.
And with that, the
mouse spread his wings
and became a magnificent
Mr. Pibb-drinking butterfly.
[COOING]
But now, the little mouse has to leave,
and he'll never forget the kind
older mouse who believed in him,
allowing him to see more.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING AND APPLAUDING]
Your son is terrific.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's not my boy.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, guys, let's focus.
Again, how does McGregor lose
the farm at the end of the first act?
Anyone? Anything!
How about this?
McGregor comes home,
house gone, rabbits everywhere,
and he says…
Don't start a sentence if you
don't know where it's going!
[GROANS] Okay, guess
what. Now we're staying late.
What do you guys want for dinner?
- Corn dogs!
- Dino nuggets!
- Noodles with butter!
- Tuna fish!
- Pepperoni!
- Now you've got pitches?