The Simpsons s37e11 Episode Script

1
The Simpsons ♪
- [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
-
Maybe 43 is the year
I change my hairstyle.
No, I don't have that kind of courage.
[DOOR OPENS, SLAMS]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
- [MARGE HUMMING]
Breakfast me now.
I want to escape before the
hormone twins come down.
Bart and Lisa are teenagers now,
and they've got a lot
of confusing feelings.
Feelings I can handle. It's the sounds
and the smells that are breaking me.
How's the wedding speech coming?
[CHUCKLES] Stupid Flanders never should
have asked me to be his best man.
[GIGGLES]
Do you think this joke is too mean?
Yes!
- Then it's going in.
- [GROANS]
Good morning. How'd you sleep?
[GROANS]
None of my clothes fit,
and I'm breaking out.
I am not going to school.
You're in eighth grade. If your face
was normal, you'd stand out.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUMBLES] Honey, the changes we
go through as women are beautiful
and should be celebrated with joy
and gratitude as the gifts they are.
You're delusional.
More food. Where is?
I just went shopping yesterday.
I can't keep up with your appetite.
There's chili in the earthquake kit.
[SHOES SQUEAKING]
[GRUNTING]
Let me.
Happy to help, little big brother.
- I'm driving to school today.
- [MAGGIE] Mmm?
How am I gonna learn not to kill
people if you don't let me practice?
[WHIMPERS]
Maggie, Maggie, rest your voice. You're
still getting over that laryngitis.
Please. Don't let Bart drive.
It's too scary.
He drives so wiggly and
everybody honks at us
and yells bad words
and shows us fingers!
[GROANS]
["ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG)"
PLAYING]
And while she lay there sleeping ♪
I read the paper in bed ♪
Lisa, we used to love this song.
We'd dance around and have
the best time. Remember?
Remember, remember, remember, remember?
If you like piña col ♪
- Mom, no.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
Why'd you volunteer me to perform
at Mr. Flanders's wedding?
Why would I ever want to do that? Why?
Well, your father's the best man,
Bart's the videographer,
and Maggie's the flower girl.
Besides, you used to love performing.
- [SAXOPHONE PLAYING]
- Oh, you were so sweet and confident.
I did, and I was,
but I'm not, so I won't.
I do not want a thousand
eyeballs staring at me.
Lisa, wait. I forgot to give you this
in case you get your first
[WHISPERS] period.
Eyeballs.
[BELL RINGS]
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- [MARGE] Oh.
It'll be nice to spend time with people
whose hormones aren't
completely wackadoodle.
Wackadoodle.
My hormones are wackadoodle.
As our last eggs circle the drain,
let's raise a glass to the big change.
Menopause?
Aren't we all a little young for that?
Perimenopause, Marge.
The coming attractions before the
horror movie that is the big M.
Don't tell me you haven't had any
of the symptoms. Hot flashes
Mood swings.
You know, I wake up at exactly
3:17 every night. Why 3:17?
[CHUCKLES] I know.
And then I can't help but
compulsively rearrange the furniture.
You know, last night,
I created a workstation for the dog.
If we can't turn these
middle-aged frowns upside down,
let's fill them in with
a syringe full of youth.
[CHEERING]
Heroin. I've heard it's amazing,
but I'm not sure it's for me.
They're facial fillers, Marge.
Use these to mark the parts
of your face you hate.
Black don't crack,
but it sure can droop.
I just don't think our faces
are something we need to fix.
Let's celebrate the
wisdom and achievements
that are the story our wrinkles tell.
I'll see myself out.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANING]
Mmm?
[GASPS]
Homer. Homer, wake up.
[GASPS] "Hamnesia"
is when you can't remember ham!
This graphic novel Bart's been
reading is practically a tingle book.
Is it normal for a boy to look
at bunnies with big boobs?
Little boys will stare at a
rock if it's got big boobs.
Ooh. Look, a rock with big boobs.
[MARGE] Why would a lady
robot need to wear a skirt?
And does it have to be so short?
Oh, honey, in the grand scheme of
things this is pretty innocent.
He could be online watching
live-action romance content.
- Shut your muzzle mouth!
- [WHIMPERS]
Sorry. I don't know
what's wrong with me.
My emotions are suddenly all haywire.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
Sounds like it's probably nothing.
Top of the morning, best man-arino.
Hey, Homer. How's the speech coming?
Really great, Pam.
But if you have any
embarrassing Flanders stories
to make this savage takedown
even more brutal, I'm all ears.
[GIGGLES]
Well, the best story is how
he saved my life when I choked
on a baby in a king
cake during Mardi Gras.
Choke play at cake party. Perfect.
He sure is.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Stupid happy, future Flanders.
[PHONE RINGS]
My wife is where? I'm on my way!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Honey, the manager says you've been
in the freezer for a half hour.
I'm burning up.
I think it's my first hot flash.
Insomnia, the compulsive redecorating.
I think it's perimenopause.
[GASPS] Homer, I'm old.
[HOMER THINKING] Wow.
Say something perfect.
High five?
[MARGE GRUNTS]
Can't sleep anymore.
Can't think straight. Always irritable.
[HUMMING]
Kitchen couch!
You finally get me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
I'm driving to school today.
Got another zit.
I'm going to live under a troll bridge.
I'm a flower girl,
and I want special shoes.
- Pink with bows and lights and music.
- [MARGE GRUMBLING]
Everyone shut your breakfast holes!
- [BART] run over a bunch of nuns
- [MAGGIE SHOUTING]
[HOMER] Homer, your wife is going through
the terrible change of perimeningitis,
so it's down to you to be
the voice of non-crazy.
This is where years of
therapy mumbo jumbo pays off.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SCREAMING STOPS]
- Emotional dysregulation.
- Huh.
- Feelings.
- Oh.
- Validation.
- Oh.
- Crystals.
- [GASPS]
And a tiny gong on the bookshelf.
[GASPS] I don't know why that worked,
but it kind of did.
Maybe it's just the soothing tone.
That's like half of it, isn't it?
I know this is a long shot, but do you
have these shoes my daughter wants?
[SHERRI] Oh. Wow.
Uh. Lady, these shoes don't exist.
[SIGHS]
These Skoochers are a revelation. Skooch
on, skooch off. Skooch on, skooch off.
Marge Simpson? My old
crush/obsession/problematic fixation.
[GROANS]
Artie, now is not the time to hit on me.
Hmm.
Not a problem.
For the first time in my life, the sight
of your face has left me un-smitten.
Do I see the flawless young girl
whose dental hygienist I bribed
for a Dixie cup of her saliva?
I do not!
Oh. I guess that's a good thing.
I feel nothing, I tell you.
Maybe it's these super cushiony shoes,
or maybe it's the teeny-tiny frown
line I detect between your eyes.
But I feel liberated.
Skip with me, salesgirl, skip with me.
Whee! Whee!
[GROANING]
[GASPS]
I'm in. Give me the Botox.
I want everything shiny and plumped.
You'll notice that my face
does not look surprised.
I can feel all the character
being erased. I love it.
[LISA] Mom, what the hell?
What happened to,
"The changes we go through as women
are beautiful and should be
celebrated with joy and gratitude"?
How could you understand?
You're young,
and you're chock-full of collagen.
Mother, I am covered in zits.
Acne is just a phase.
It's like the story of the ugly duckling.
Some ugly ducklings just
grow up to be ugly ducks.
Mom, have you seen my mustache comb?
Don't you take that tone with me,
young lady!
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
What tone did you take when you found
out your mother was a raging hypocrite?
Just because I said one thing and did
the opposite, that makes me a hypocrite?
Emotional truths being shared.
For which I am gratitude.
May I trigger you with
some organic matcha?
Why don't we end the session here,
and we'll pick up next time?
Now, let's sort you two out.
Grab some sofa, you guys.
Picking up where we left
off last week [HUMMING]
Snowball, you were upset
that Santa's Little Helper
gave you an ultimatum.
[MARGE SCREAMING]
[PANTS] I found something.
- More manga?
- No, this.
[SCREAMS] Adult live-action
romance content.
Our son is ruined. Childhood over.
Innocence gone.
He's going to grow up to be an incel
or a sexist jerk or a manosphere guru.
I'm sorry the world is a horrible,
ugly place
in which no child should grow up.
But I promise when Bart
finally likes a real girl,
he'll be just as nervous and sweet and
respectful as I was when I met you.
What do we do? What do we do?
Pretending it's not happening has
worked for generations of parents.
[GRUMBLES]
I'm confiscating every
screen in this house.
No more Internet for you.
What? Why?
You know why.
Okay, bye.
Okay, this is handled.
I handled it. Everything's good.
[WAILING]
You've gotta help me.
I'm a calm, happy person trapped
in the body of a crazy lady.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's just not much research into
health issues that only affect women.
My med school professor called
menopause an esoteric mystery.
There's got to be
something you can give me.
Rub this hormone cream on your thighs.
Can't hurt. [CHUCKLES]
Unless No, no, it can't hurt.
And there is one more
thing I can prescribe.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
Good-bye to my purpose ♪
Good-bye to my meaning ♪
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- So true.
- Funny and brave.
- [SIGHS]
- [HOMER] Surprise!
You replaced the fridge?
Is that what we do now
when something gets old?
Just toss it out in the street?
It's a smart fridge.
I got it to make your life easier.
The next time the teenage
eating machine cleans us out,
this thing will order groceries
delivered right to our door.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Frozen pizza, frozen burritos.
It knows all the crap we eat.
And what's in this bag?
[MARGE] Maggie's
impossible-to-find shoes.
I know I haven't been myself lately,
but you've done something
I never expected
pitched in.
[MOANING]
Next time I'll get you a smart stove
then a smart blender
to make smart smoothies
out of intelligent bananas.
Oh, Homie.
Hey, Homie, seems like nothing's
really happening down there.
I didn't even know it couldn't do that.
Well, no need to panic.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[SIRENS CONTINUE]
Mmm.
Move, people.
We're not losing another erection today.
Fortunately for you, Big Pharma,
which is largely run by old
men on their third wives,
has poured billions into ED research.
We have a mighty arsenal of
treatment options at our disposal.
Now, Homer, these ED meds will
adversely affect your mood,
causing aggression, irresponsibility,
and a tendency for your mouth to
write checks your ass can't cash.
With all the hormonal changes
going on in the house,
you're the only one
keeping things together.
Maybe we should think about this.
Men's sexual health is
no time for thinking.
Shoot me up, doc.
I already am.
Oh? Mmm.
I got the testosterone of a 20-year-old
and the patience of a 12-year-old.
Get the hell off my kitchen couch.
Make me, Jabba the Butt.
Shut up, you little perv.
Homer, calm down.
I medically can't.
Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite.
- [HOMER] Get off my couch.
- [ALL CLAMORING]
[HOMER] Get your pervy self
and your pervy germs off of it.
- Get off of it
- [BART] Leave me alone.
[MARGE GROANS]
- [HOMER] contaminated with
- [LISA] I can't believe anything you say.
[HOMER] Oh, shut up! Ah!
[MARGE] Hurry up and eat
your half-assed breakfasts.
We're not going to be late
for Mr. Flanders's wedding.
I cannot perform in front of people
with all this going on. [GRUNTS]
You look fine. Don't be so dramatic.
Maybe I'd look better
with a face full of Botox.
Oh, I am so sorry. I'm struggling to
deal with the humongous life change.
Oh. I handled it just fine.
Handled what?
My period. I got it last week.
You got your first period,
and you didn't tell me. Why?
Because you make womanhood seem
like the most miserable thing
that could happen to a person.
But don't worry about it.
Coach Krupt was very helpful.
Bombardment of feelings.
Bombardment of transitions.
Bombardment of we're all here for you.
[MARGE] She didn't tell me.
I'm a failure as a mother.
[SHIVERS]
All right, let's move.
I got a best man speech to crush.
What's the fastest way to the church?
I have no idea. Mom confiscated
every screen in the house.
Well, the smart fridge
has Internet access, so
Let's get to that wedding, people.
Go, go, go.
What did you do, Bart?
Hmm.
Mom, trust me.
You don't want to do this.
- Bart!
- You dog.
Hyah! [GRUNTS]
Die, die, die, die!
Ooh. Get in the car.
It's time to celebrate love.
Stupid car.
- Why won't you start?
- [MARGE GRUMBLING]
I don't think either one of you
is in any condition to drive.
I can drive! I can do anything!
- No, not Bart!
- If we die, we die.
- [MAGGIE SCREAMS] Look out for the
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [MAGGIE] Don't hit the
- [THUDS]
- [MAGGIE] Go straight, go straight.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- [SCREAMING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh. I forgot my flower basket.
Here, use these.
[WHIMPERS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[ALL] Aw.
- [POTATO CHIPS CRUMBLING]
- [ALL] Aw.
[BOTH GRUMBLING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
I have to give my best man speech,
but I can't focus no matter how
much testosterone I shoot up.
Give me some estrogen cream
to balance me out, please.
I'm so mad and sexy.
[GROANS]
Mmm.
[GUESTS EXCLAIM]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, well, well,
the day has finally come.
The long-suffering neighbor
has a chance to even the score.
Hope what you're about to hear
doesn't give you second thoughts, Pam.
Oh!
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Whoa! That lady cream works fast.
Anyway, I was about to roast this
this beautiful, wonderful man.
[ALL] Aw.
He's such a good neighborino.
[CRYING] He lets me borrow stuff,
and he loves Jesus so much.
And despite all that, he's my
favorite person in the entire world.
- [ALL] Aw!
- [HOMER CRYING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[GULPS]
Hi, I'm Bart.
I drove here in a car that I drove.
I'm Carrie. The bride is my sister.
We took a limo.
Wow. You were in a car. I'm in a car
- Ned, can I borrow Homer?
- Would you, please?
Homer, look.
Bart's talking to a girl,
and he's terrible at it.
He's not an unsalvageable
Internet monster.
He's just as sweet and awkward
and clueless as you were.
Chicks are gonna walk all over him.
That's all I want.
Are you sure you don't want to
sit with the unreal housewives?
Honey, I'm sorry I made
womanhood seem so horrible.
It's not that bad. You get used to it.
Besides, without it,
I wouldn't be your mom,
so it's pretty great.
Anyway, if you don't wanna get
up on stage, you don't have to.
I don't? Oh, thank God.
Ooh. Hot flash coming in like
a locomotive full of soup.
I need my medicine back.
You used it all?
I have no memory of the last two hours.
[PANTING]
[GULPING, SIGHS]
[LISA] Excuse me, excuse me?
Ooh, boy. That's a lot of eyeballs.
Uh. Mr. Flanders asked me to perform
the song "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
I love that song.
But I'm not gonna do that one.
- [LENNY] Crap.
- This one's for us, Mom.
I was tired of my lady ♪
We'd been together too long ♪
A song about having an affair
is a weird choice for a wedding.
I think it's perfect.
So while she lay there sleeping ♪
I read the paper in bed ♪
And in the personal columns ♪
There was this letter I read ♪
If you like piña coladas ♪
And gettin' caught in the rain ♪
If you're not into yoga ♪
If you have half a brain ♪
Shh!