The Simpsons s37e12 Episode Script

1
The Simpsons ♪
[BART] This is it, Bart.
If you strike Uter out,
the team gets a pizza party
and you'll die a legend.
Lose and we just get the pizza party.
I've seen better batters at the
International House of Pancakes.
This is a children's game,
Herr Comic Book Mensch.
And?
Und das ist mein son that
you are trash-en talk-en.
Your son? Oh, dear. If I had known
Send this eunuch back to Munich!
Blitzkrieg!
- [GRUNTS] Ow, ow, ow!
- [SPECTATORS GASP]
- [COMIC BOOK GUY SCREAMS]
- [ALL CHEERING]
It only took 200 years,
but baseball finally got interesting.
Hey! [EXCLAIMS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
[MUTTERS IN GERMAN, GRUNTS]
Dang, that dude's a certified badass.
- [SCOFFS] Our dad could take him.
- He teaches Brazilian jujitsu on Zoom.
My dad does security for James Corden.
You know how many people
wanna punch James Corden?
Well, my dad's a badass too.
I bet he could kill everyone in town
through workplace incompetence.
[GIGGLES] Oh, Bart, "dumbass"
is not synonymous with "badass."
[LAUGHING]
Oh, yeah? Well, what does your dad do?
Executes inmates via lethal injection.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Ha ha!
My dad is tough, right?
[SCREAMS] Please don't hurt me.
Just take my money.
[GOOSE HONKS]
If that's not enough,
we can go to an ATM.
- [HOMER WHIMPERS]
- Mmm.
Hey, slugger.
Whatcha watching, the game?
Shh. Great Masked British Bake Off.
[HOMER] I think Nurse
Shark is Nancy Pelosi.
[GROANS]
Hey, I got tickets to tonight's
MMA fight. Should be pretty badass.
Uh, why don't you take Lisa?
She could use some toughening up.
Homer, either bond with your son
or help me fold this laundry.
[HOMER] Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Ugh! Fine.
[MMA ANNOUNCER] Springfield Brawliseum,
are you ready to fist?
[CROWD CHEERING]
Celebrities with us at ringside tonight,
retired heavyweight champ
and CTE denier, Drederick Tatum.
Aviator and man about town, Arnie Pye.
And Latin TV star
and owner of tonight's sponsor, Ay,
Mi Cabeza mezcal, Bumblebee Man.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But first, it's time to scour
the crowd for our most macho fan.
Is it this guy?
- [GRUNTING]
- [CROWD CHEERS]
[MMA ANNOUNCER] How about this dude?
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[MMA ANNOUNCER] Or is it him?
[CROWD BOOING]
[GASPS] Look, sweetie.
We're on the kiss cam.
- Stop, Dad. You're embarrassing me.
- What the hell's your problem?
My problem?
[GRUNTS]
I have the wussiest dad in town!
[GASPS] Wuss?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. [STAMMERS]
D'oh! Son of a
[GRUNTS] D'oh! [YELPS]
Hey, Carl. Your shoelace is untied.
So's yours.
- Crisscross.
- Crisscross.
- [HOMER SCREAMS]
- Whoa.
[SCREAMING]
- [GRUNTING]
- [POUNDING]
[SCREAMING] D'oh!
[SCREAMING]
- [THUDS]
- [HOMER GROANS]
[SPECTATORS GASP]
The winner is Cotton Candy Fatso.
[CROWD LAUGHING, CHEERING]
That was impressive!
[GASPS]
Dad, Dad.
Please don't cry on pay-per-view.
Señor Fatso.
That was the most hilarious
fall I've ever seen in my life.
The antics, the physics,
the annoyed grunts.
Sir, I would like to buy you a drink.
Throw in a food and you got a deal.
Wow! The Bumblebee Man.
You're a Springfield legend, dude.
Like Krusty, or Duffman,
or the Tiki Bar Strangler.
[CHUCKLES] You flatter me, young man.
And, please, call me Pedro.
I didn't know you, uh,
yacht rock types watch my show.
Are you kidding? I don't know Spanish,
but when you get kicked
in the junk by a nun,
you speak the international
language of crotch.
[CHUCKLES] Believe it or not,
I didn't set out to be
a physical comedian.
I left Mexico with dreams of being
a serious actor in Hollywood.
[BUMBLEBEE MAN] Unfortunately,
I was brought to the wrong sign
by a stupid money-hungry coyote.
[SIGHS] It was the worst day of my life.
Then I came upon a grand opening for
a new Spanish-language TV station.
It was the best day of my life.
I ran in, destined to become a star
no matter how long it took or
what I had to do to get there.
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS, GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS, GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
Mmm? [WHIMPERS]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[IN SPANISH] Life is ironic and cruel!
[LAUGHING]
are going to be a star.
[GASPS]
[IN SPANISH] What?
I don't speak English!
Bumblebee Man was born,
a tragicomic figure
cursed by the cosmos,
like Sisyphus or Benny Hill.
No matter what life throws at him,
he always gets up and tries again,
just like the hardworking
people that watch my show.
So, day after day, year after year,
I sacrificed my bumble body
on the altar of comedy.
I thought I was invincible,
like Curly from the Stooges.
But alas, I was just a mortal Shemp.
I suppose time catches up to us all.
Now my tired show limps on in
the shadow of its former glory.
Simpsons,
have you any idea what this is like?
Are you gonna quit?
I was, until I saw your father's
hilarious fall down those steps.
You got up without a scratch.
[GASPS] That reminds me.
Homero, would you do me the honor
of becoming my stunt double?
Stunt double? That's the
badassiest job a dad could have.
He'll do it.
- What, are you crazy?
- Think about it, Homer.
You get to crash cars and have
bottles broken over your head.
All the stuff you do now,
but you get paid for it.
You'd be the toughest dad ever. Say yes.
[HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
- You've got yourself a stuntman.
- He said yes!
[MARIACHI GROUP PLAYS
"WEDDING MARCH"]
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]
There's the stuntman that's
going to save my career.
Come in. It is time.
This is no mere costume.
It is the armor of hope,
a beacon of light,
a symbol of truth, justice,
and the Mexican-American güey.
Uh, Homero,
you're wearing the stinger in the front.
[GIGGLES] Whoops. A man can dream.
En garde. Ooh. Eh. Huh.
Before we get started, I must ask you
to sign a nondisclosure agreement,
for my fans would be devastated to
know I'm not doing my own stunts.
No problem, Pedro. I sign tons of NDAs.
In fact, I just signed one at work.
Apparently, our drinking water
is full of radioactive
nothing.
Mmm.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[DIRECTOR] Cut! ¡El doble!
You got this, tough guy.
[DIRECTOR] ¡Acción!
Uh. Mmm. Oh.
[GASPS, SCREAMS] Ow! Ow!
[SCREAMING] Ow!
- [GRUNTS]
- [HISSES]
[SIGHS]
[YELPS]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[IN SPANISH] I do not like life!
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- That fat güero can take a hit.
- Homer!
- [CHEERING]
Whoo-hoo!
And then everyone on set high-fived Dad.
Even the non-writing producers.
Ooh! They're a hard bunch to please.
[SINGSONGY] Bart's proud of Dad!
- Bart's proud of Dad!
- [SINGSONGY] Bart's proud of Dad!
Oh, it's true. I can't wait
to tell the kids at school
that my dad is Bumblebee
Man's stunt guy.
No dice, boy. That's a secret.
Remember, I signed that MDMA?
Oh, man. What's the use of
having a badass in the family
if you can't brag about him?
Now I know how the Mangiones feel.
Dad, isn't it problematic for a white
man to double for a Mexican actor?
The director thought that too, so he
gave me these brown sleeves to wear.
[GASPS] But that's Brown face.
No, it's just brown arms and legs.
Besides, with all the ICE
going on these days,
isn't it better to have a white guy
suffer instead of a Mexican guy?
Well, you got me there.
Not too much suffering, right?
'Cause I don't want you
getting badly hurt.
Relax, honey. It's all pies in the
face and slipping on plantain peels.
I'll be fine.
["UNKNOWN STUNTMAN" PLAYING]
I might fall from
a tall building ♪
I might roll a brand-new car ♪
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman ♪
That made Redford such a star ♪
["UNKNOWN STUNTMAN" ENDS]
Look at all these fans.
How come you never ditched
TV and became a movie star,
like all those guys
who regret leaving SNL?
Ah. I once wrote a script
for a Bumblebee Man film.
It was a time travel comedy,
and a love letter to my beloved Mexico.
I sent it to every studio in Hollywood,
but no one understood it.
Maybe I should have
written it in English.
Bah! What you gonna do?
[IN SPANISH] Go on. Ask him sweetie.
over the head with my crowbar?
Uh, I would love to, but,
uh, it's a union thing.
But you can hit my friend if you'd like.
Huh? D'oh!
Honey, I'm ho What the hell?
Well, I'm just hugging you.
I'm happy you're home.
- [GRUNTS]
- [HOMER WHIMPERS]
Are you crying?
Yes. I've never gotten an
after-work hug from you before.
Also, I have three
fractured ribs on that side.
It sucks not being able
to brag about my dad.
How can you stand not getting
credit for all those awesome stunts?
Hey, who needs credit when you get
after-work hugs from your twin boys?
[DISTORTED] Did you get
a concussion today, Dad?
Maybe. Don't tell your mothers.
Homero, you are one hell of a stuntman.
All in a day's work, amigo.
Yep, anyhoo, I gotta go pee some blood.
Bumblebee Man? Wow!
I am a huge fan. I'm Johnny
Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.
Of course I know you.
Oh, my goodness. Every great bit
I ever did was because of you.
Power wash enema,
crab Jacuzzi, fire ant facial.
[CHUCKLES] You're too kind.
Tell me, when is the next
Jackass picture coming out?
Oh, I'm done with those, man.
My body just can't take it anymore.
But the studio keeps asking.
They even suggested I
secretly use a stuntman.
[CHUCKLES] The nerve of
those frijole counters.
They don't get guys like us.
We'd rather traumatize a film
crew with our grisly on-set death
than ever let some stuntman
take our hits, right?
Hey, Pedro, they need us
back on set so we can
Huh. Who's this fella that's
got your exact size and build?
[STUTTERS] This is my trainer.
He keeps me comedically obese.
Hey, you're doing a bang-up job, tubby.
Let's toast. They might have
replaced our knees, shoulders
and, uh, other stuff, but
they can never replace our integrity.
[WHIMPERS]
I am a liar and a fraud.
What was I thinking hiring a stuntman?
You were thinking let someone else get
banged up for a change. That's fine.
No. My audience expects to see me
getting banged hard and often,
and I lied to them.
For what? Ratings? Money?
A stupid Calvin Klein ad?
[SOBBING]
I'm nothing but a sellout.
Hey, come on now,
don't cry in front of the gringos.
That's it. I'm quitting.
Show business is no place for a phony.
You can't quit now. The show's a hit,
and my son's never been prouder of me.
I'm sorry, Homero. Nothing in the
world can make me change my mind.
Hola, Pedro.
I am Alejandro González Iñárritu,
Oscar-winning director of The Revenant.
[GASPS] That movie was so funny.
When that bear ate the boy from Titanic.
[LAUGHS]
Yes, thank you.
I found your old script,
and I must make this film.
You will be the star of the most
action-packed, death-defying,
uninsurable picture ever made.
What do you say?
I say let's make a bee movie!
[MARIACHI GROUP PLAYS
"HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD"]
[MARIACHI JINGLE PLAYS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
It's so nice of Pedro to let
us come along for the filming.
What's this movie about anyway?
Well, if my Spanish is correct,
and it is,
it's an epic time travel adventure
about a humble bee man
who gets hilariously hurt
during the most important
moments in Mexican history.
Mark my words!
This action-packed film
is going to make billions,
in Mexican pesos, at the box office,
and do you know why?
Because I'm willing to risk it all.
Brain damage, paralysis, life itself!
You said this was all pies in the
face and slipping on plantain peels.
[CHUCKLES] Don't worry, Marge.
I'm sure something got
lost in translation.
He said it in English.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Because no matter how dangerous,
Bumblebee Man has always and
will always do his own stunts.
Uh. FYI, I don't do
my own stunts. He does.
That guy with the chili-dusted Popsicle.
Mmm. Sweet.
- [SCREAMS] Spicy!
- [EXCLAIMING] What?
You lied to your fans,
to your country, to your own director?
The movie's off!
What if we hide his face
with this green screen mask?
[HOMER] Hmm?
The movie's back on!
[ALEJANDRO] We are in Lake
Texcoco thousands of years ago.
Here, Bumblebee Man will
find a symbol from the gods
that will one day be
emblazoned on the flag
and in the heart of every Mexican.
Cue the snake and eagle!
[SCREAMS] No! Ow!
No, they're biting me! [SCREAMS]
[ALEJANDRO] Cue more
snakes and bigger eagles!
- [SNAKES HISSING]
- [EAGLES SCREECHING]
[HOMER SCREAMING] Get 'em off me!
Too many snakes! [SCREAMS]
My childhood dream has come true.
[HOMER] There's a snake inside me!
["VIVA MÉXICO" PLAYING]
[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
- [BELL RINGS]
- [GRUNTS]
["VIVA MÉXICO" ENDS]
[GASPS] Dad's home!
- [GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [YELPS]
- [BART GRUNTS]
- Good Lord!
- [GASPS] Dad!
What the hell? You dodged my hug.
Can't hug. Spent all day
getting my Aztec kicked.
Homie, you can't keep doing this.
You have to quit.
The pain pills? No, I need them.
Plus, they're so cheap here.
Why in God's name would you
put yourself through this?
Uh, you're not just doing
this to impress me, are you?
Yes, but there's also
the bromance element.
So many threads.
- [MARGE] Mmm.
- [HOMER GROANING]
[IN SPANISH] Luz,
there's something you must know
Juan Life to Live
to bring you this English news bulletin.
Beloved actor and hometown hero
Bumblebee Man has been exposed
for using a stunt double.
Late last night, our station received
this photo from an anonymous source.
Hey, that's the picture Bart took.
[IN SPANISH, GRUNTING] Why you little
[GRUNTS] It wasn't him.
It was me.
It was? I thought I did it.
I guess we both did it?
I was lying a second ago. I also did it.
- Why, you little [GRUNTS]
- [CHOKING]
I'm sorry about Pedro,
but we couldn't stand by
and see you get killed.
Or worse,
become someone we have to sponge.
[SHUDDERS]
Oh. You care for me,
but don't want to care for me.
I feel the same about all of you.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ON TV]
I deny these vicious rumors.
And to clear my name,
I invite my fans to come see me perform
my movie's most dangerous stunt.
A comedic tumble down the
steps of Teotihuacán.
The pyramid of Teotihuacán?
That's suicide!
And still on our list of sights to see.
To the pyramid of Tootytotai
To the Mexican triangle!
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Homero,
you are the only one he will listen to.
You have to stop him.
Why are all these cameras set up?
Well, better to have
coverage and not need it
than to need it and not have it.
Hold on, Pedro! I'm a-coming!
Huh. Can I talk to the
transpo department?
Pedro, stop! You can't do this.
I must. I was supposed
to suffer for my fans,
to distract them from
their daily troubles,
and I lied to them.
Now my only path to redemption
is pain, hilarious pain.
[GRUNTS]
Your fans don't want to
see you suffer for real.
They just wanna see a
goofy guy in a bee costume
saying "Ay, yi, yi" about stuff.
All I wanted was for my son
to think I was a badass.
But you know what I learned after
taking all that brutal punishment?
I hate that kid,
and what he thinks doesn't matter.
- [CRACKS]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
It does that now.
[CRACKS]
Ay, Dios. Look at you.
Making this movie has broken the body
of my best non-Mexican
friend in the world.
[SOBS] Can you ever forgive me?
[SOBS] On one condition.
Don't do this stupid stunt!
- I won't! I love you, man!
- I love you too!
[BOTH SOBBING]
What do you say we get out of here and
go eat a taco stand into submission?
[SNIFFLES] Sounds like a plan, amigo.
[BOTH YELPING]
- [HOMER SCREAMING] D'oh! D'oh!
- [BUMBLEBEE MAN GRUNTING]
[GASPING]
- Homero!
- Dad!
The UNESCO World Heritage site!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[HOMER] D'oh! Oh! Son of a
[BOTH YELP]
- [HOMER SCREAMING]
- [BUMBLEBEE MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
[LAUGHING]
[IN SPANISH] This man's
suffering takes away my troubles!
We will take out the gringo in post.
[MARIACHI GROUP
PLAYS THE SIMPSONS THEME]
Oh, so good.
[CHUCKLES] Man, we sure are lucky
we didn't get hurt in that fall.
Uh, I'm not so sure.
[HOMER] Hmm.
Excuse me, amigo, are we dead?
Hmm.
[HOMER GRUNTING]
No, in a coma,
but get comfy
'cause you're gonna be here for a while.
It might be nice to have a break.
And some cold cervezas.
Homero, my friend. You read my mind.
["CIEN AÑOS" PLAYING]
["CIEN AÑOS" ENDS]
[SPANISH SONG PLAYING]
[SONG ENDS]
[WHISTLES]