The Simpsons s37e14 Episode Script

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- The Simpsons ♪
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- [BELL RINGS]
[BURPS]
[HORN BLOWS]
[SCREAMS]
- [HORN HONKS]
- [YELPS]
D'oh!
[SCREAMS]
How are you just sitting there?
Your mom hit me with her car!
She smashed me through a solid oak door!
How could you not see me in the garage?
I was running away and
screaming in terror! [PANTING]
There's wood everywhere in me!
And why the hell was
Maggie in the front seat?
[BART] Hey, everybody, look what we got.
[LISA] A dog!
Something to share our love.
And frighten prowlers.
What's his name?
Number 8. [STAMMERS] I mean,
Santa's Little Helper.
Look at him. He's just a little mister.
I'm gonna love you and smooch
you and use you as a pillow.
[HOMER, BART] Yeah!
And play with you and ride you to
school and sic you on my enemies.
[HOMER, LISA] Yeah!
And feed you healthy food,
and give you plenty of exercise
and teach us all lessons
about responsibility.
Yeah!
Absolutely, Marge.
The whole family will pitch in and
Oh, my God, it's your first Christmas.
Here, boy, have a gingerbread house.
[LAUGHING] He loves it!
[MARGE] Family meeting.
Why is the dog wearing a swim diaper?
It's too cold to take him outside.
And he loves it.
[HOMER, DOG BURP]
[MARGE] Family meeting.
So now he's eating at the table?
He can't eat under the table because
that's where he threw up his waffles.
Watch this.
Gobble, gobble.
[LAUGHS] He loves it.
[GROANS]
Family meeting.
Family?
[LAUGHING]
Oh, it's Mom. Back up, back up, back up!
[ALL] He loves it!
Nothing calms me down like making
a fresh batch of ambrosia salad
with plenty of grapes.
And a plunk of mayo to make my "day-o."
[GASPS]
No! No, no, no, no, no! Bad boy!
[GASPS] Wait.
Alexa, are grapes toxic to dogs?
[ALEXA] What the hell did you do, lady?
You gotta help my dog.
Take a number.
We'll be with you as soon as possible.
But he ate a whole ambrosia with grapes.
What the hell did you do, lady?
- Code purple!
- [ALARM BLARES]
Get me 30 ccs of Plastimin,
four heliostic probes,
and the most ultra-realistic,
gory-looking stomach pump we've got.
Where's the nice, mousy intern who
always maintains her youthful optimism
in the face of constant trauma?
That would be me.
[CHUCKLES] May I say
Shut up! We have a greyhound to save.
Who's a good boy? You're a good boy.
Cram that tube down his throat!
- Mrs. Simpson.
- Yes?
I need you to answer me honestly.
How many grapes did you
put in that ambrosia?
The recipe calls for two dozen.
Twenty-four? You gave him 24 grapes?
But one rolled under the refrigerator.
Oh. Thank God. Then we got 'em all.
We got 'em all!
[ALL] Whoo!
Your pup is going to be just fine.
Oh! Thank God.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go to a quiet room
and cry because of what you did.
Ambrosia!
There's my little mis Oh.
Hi, my name is Adrienne.
I'm the staff nutritionist and trainer.
You want your dog to live a long time,
don't you?
You betcha.
Then he'll need to lose a lot of weight.
He's what we in the canine wellness
field call, "Damn, that dog's fat."
The best way to get a greyhound back in
shape is to get his diet under control,
and then through agility training,
and maybe even competitions.
Ooh, I save videos of those.
Let's see how you do, boy. Follow me.
Maybe this isn't for him.
Okay. Straight talk, your dog is chonky,
but he doesn't have to become a chonkster.
If you sign him up for my program, we can
make sure he's around for a long time.
Let's do it.
[DOG BARKS]
["FAR FROM OVER" PLAYS]
[CHEERING]
We won again.
Good job, boy. Here, finish my hot dog.
No! He has to stay healthy.
He qualified for the
nationals in Philadelphia.
A trip to Philadelphia?
I can see where the Founding
Fathers signed the Constitution.
And I can crack the other side of
the Liberty Bell and finish the job.
Philadelphia, my kinda town.
Throwing ice balls at Santa Claus,
climbing greasy streetlamps.
The city where Lenny
Dykstra learned to be crazy,
where every steak is cheesed
and every tush is pushed.
Even though I've never been, I feel
like I was born there and I never left.
But I'm not gonna die there.
Oh, no. Not Homer Simpson.
You'll see. I'll show 'em all!
I guess what I'm trying to say is
the Simpsons are going to Philadel
[BLOWS WHISTLE] Sit!
This dog is only healthy because I
saved him from your dangerous pampering.
So I'm keeping him far away
from you bad influences.
The Simpson is going to Philadelphia.
"Simpson."
[WHINING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
Yo, welcome to the Hotel Philadelphia.
We offer 24-hour room service
from our full Boyz II Menu.
And if you need a water
or any other jawn,
just ring the Patti LaBelle,
and we'll send a jabroni right up.
So Philadelphia.
Are the beds made of cream cheese?
The cream cheese ain't got
nothing to do with this town!
It's just a name! Have some class!
Now, would you like the Silver Linings
Playbook Room or the Fresh Prince suite?
Fresh Prince. We can chill out,
max, and relax all cool.
- Right, little mister?
- [BARKS]
And where would you like
me to put the big mister?
[HOMER GROANS]
Are we there yet?
You stowed away for an 18-hour drive?
Ugh. Just send him to the room.
Come on, boy.
And I thought I'd surprise you by
coming along and supporting you
and our furry fellow as he
tries to win the Kentucky Derby.
I swear I'm only here for you.
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
What is that paper?
Paper? [GULPS] What paper?
Homer, release.
"Awesome things for me
to do in Philadelphia.
"Eat cheesesteaks, hoagies,
pretzels, water ice.
Rip off a piece of Jason Kelce's beard."
[GROANS] How is a dirtbag tour
of the city supporting the dog?
And what's with these batteries?
To throw at people I don't like.
They do that here instead of
punching people they don't like,
but they do that too.
[GROWLS]
Aw, he loves it.
[MARGE GRUNTS]
We have a competition to win.
If you really wanna support me,
stay the hell away and
don't screw this up for us.
[GROANS]
[TRAINER] This is it.
Everything we've been working for,
it's all led to this.
The first of five qualifying rounds.
Oh.
[COMMENTATOR] Next up is a
newcomer from Springfield, USA.
Santa's Little Helper. There he goes!
With a terrific time,
he jumps into the arms of the woman
who made it all possible,
his beloved trainer Adrienne Gesstar.
I drove him here.
I don't even wanna do
any of this stuff now.
Being told I'm selfish takes all the
fun out of only thinking about myself.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Mr. Simpson,
we urgently need to speak to you
on a matter of grave
historical importance.
[YELPS] Nerds!
No, no, my colleagues and I
are the Historians of America's
Great Inventors and Enlightened Men.
[HOMER] Whoo. H.O.A.G.I.E. Men.
It's true, and one of the most
confounding puzzles in American history
can be solved by your dog.
It's all explained in
this simple diagram.
Oh, interesting. I see.
You three are nutjobs.
It is imperative that
we locate your dog.
He is a national treasure, or to be
more technical, canus ex machina.
The dog's not here, nutjobs.
He's with my wife at the
Homer, think. You can't let these
nutjobs find Marge at the dog show
or they'll ruin everything
she worked so hard for.
Wait, wait, this is my chance to actually
support my wife just like I lied I would!
Um, my wife and dog are sightseeing.
Tell you what, you fill me in
on the highly plausible things
your perfectly normal brain
is telling you about my dog
while we look for them at
all these amazing places.
250 years ago, Philadelphia was home to
America's greatest statesman, diplomat,
and inventor, Benjamin Franklin.
Wow. Amazing.
- But the thing about Benjamin Franklin
- Who's that?
We just told you.
He played for the Sixers?
He had another talent
that only we know about.
He was a thief.
While pretending to negotiate
the Treaty of Paris,
Franklin stole millions in gold
from the Palace of Versailles
and smuggled it home in the
brassieres of his various mistresses!
He only trusted one
member of his inner circle
to help hide his ill-gotten treasure,
his beloved greyhound!
"But wait, Benjamin Franklin
never had a greyhound," you say?
- I do?
- Well, that's where you're wrong!
Franklin hid his connection to this
amazing breed until we discovered this.
It's true. Your dog is a direct
descendant of Franklin's greyhounds,
and he will lead us to this very key,
which will unlock the vault
containing Franklin's millions,
a vault hidden somewhere here
in the City of Brotherly Love!
Um, Pittsburgh?
[HISTORIANS SIGH]
I'm proud of you, boy.
You worked so hard today.
Hey, let's have some fun
with other doggies.
[DOGS BARKING]
No, no, no. No time for play.
We have to stay focused.
Oh, you're right. Of course.
Come with me.
We're going to a very special place
for only the most important dogs.
Okay, you got your picture
in front of the Rocky statue.
Now let's do the other ones.
Look, Homer, your dog
is the key to finding a treasure
that the human mind
can barely comprehend.
- Do you understand that?
- I understood "barely comprehend."
Take us to your dog!
Yeah, look, nerds,
as much as I love to keep humoring you,
here's the truth.
You're crazy. There's no treasure.
My dog's just a regular dog,
and I've spent the whole day smartly
keeping you away from him and my wife.
There they are!
[GASPS] Canus ex machina. Hoagies, roll!
Um, Adrienne, why did you take us
to a colonial firefighting exhibit?
Marge, do you know who started the
first volunteer fire company in America?
- It was
- Benjamin Franklin.
- You.
- You.
- Them?
- Us.
- Marge!
- Homer!
These crazies think our dog is
George Washington's grandson.
I was trying to keep them away from you.
Well, you did a great job.
That's very kind, but no, I didn't.
I failed.
Hey, can I get your help?
These lunatics keep stalking me.
We're not lunatics.
That dog is sacred! He's going
to lead us to Franklin's treasure!
Get out of here, you dirts.
Ugh. Dog people, am I right?
[GASPS] No. No, no, no, no.
Not our nation's first fire hydrant.
We don't pee on history!
But, Marge, his pee is history.
Benjamin Franklin bred his greyhounds
to have a special urinary enzyme
that can reveal secret messages he
wrote as to the location of his gold.
Oh, my God, you're the same amount
of crazy as those other crazies.
Am I?
[MARGE]
"Hasten to the first sewer and west,
so with the lightning key be blessed."
That's where we'll find
the key to Franklin's gold.
Let's go, boy.
Adrienne, you're not going
anywhere with my dog.
Betray!
He chose her?
Oh. [CRIES]
Adrienne!
Santa's Little Helper chose
that treasure-hunting
canine nutritionist over me.
I want my dog back.
Okay, Marge, we're gonna get him back.
If we just solve this piddle riddle,
we'll know where Adrienne took him.
We'll never figure this out.
Yeah, we're not smart like
Lisa or evil like Bart.
[GASPS] Family meeting!
Having fun without us?
Oh. That's where Dad is.
Smarty, Criminal,
figure out what this message means.
"Hasten to the first sower and west,
so with the lightning key be blessed"?
It's pronounced "sewer," genius.
[GASPS] No, it's not.
Sewer, as in one who sews.
It must mean Betsy Ross,
who sewed the first American
flag in Philadelphia in 1777.
That scheming trainer must be
headed to Betsy Ross's house.
[GASPS] That's at 239 Arch Street.
How'd you know that?
I passed it a bunch of times today while
trying to find M. Night Shyamalan's grave.
But in a crazy twist, he's still alive,
and I know just how to get us there.
Our next stop on our Segway through
Philadelphia history is a reenactment
of the Battle of Broad Street,
also known as the Super Bowl 52 Riot.
And now I take you all the
way back to the year 2018.
And Eagles win!
[BLOWS HORN]
- [CLAMORING]
- Patriots suck!
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]
We have to go through
that Mummers Parade.
No time for a set piece. Double back.
This is it. Where's the dog?
[DOG BARKING]
The bark's coming from the direction
of this warm 18th-century lever
that looks like it was recently pulled.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[COUGHS]
Homer?
Stuck. Too fat for colonial tubes.
Ah. Just in time, Marge.
Now that my dog has led me here,
he'll retrieve the very key to
unlock Franklin's lost treasure.
You see?
This is what I've been training him for.
Time for the real dog show.
The key! [LAUGHS] You found it! Come!
If he takes another step on that thing,
it'll collapse.
Stay.
Come.
Stay.
Sorry, Marge,
but I'm the one with the whistle.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Ow! What was that?
A D-cell, otherwise known
as a Philadelphia handshake.
Game over, lady.
[SCOFFS] Nice try.
No!
Santa's Little Helper, I'm your mommy.
I introduced you to bone broth.
The whole family wanted to dye
you green for St. Patrick's Day,
and I'm the one who said no.
We need you alive.
So I'm begging you, just stay.
[GASPS] That's my boy.
I'm not leaving here without that key!
[YELPS]
[SCREAMS] Go, Birds.
Little mister, where are you?
I don't think he made it.
This is my fault.
All this crazy diet and training was
because I wanted him to live longer.
And now he's gone.
I was so stupid.
Having any pet is stupid.
When we got Santa's Little Helper,
we didn't just say, "Yes,
I'd like to rescue this dog."
We said, "Hi. I volunteer to have my
heart ripped out of my chest someday,
because no matter how much time we get to
have together, it will never be enough."
[CRIES]
He's looking down on us from above.
No, he's not. I never got him
christened. He's in doggy limbo.
No. Real above.
He made it!
Now we just have to get him down.
You just leave that to me.
Gobble, gobble!
[CRASHING]
Let's get you home.
You already have the key to my heart.
Who could possibly want anything else?
[EXCLAIMS, SNIFFING]
- [BARKS]
- Yeah, sure, you can drive.
He loves it.
[SAD MUSIC PLAYS]
[VOCALIZED VERSION
OF THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
Shh.