The Simpsons s37e15 Episode Script

1
The Simpsons ♪
Today, I'm proud to celebrate the
opening of a thing I'd never heard of:
a freeway wildlife crossing.
Now here is a little girl
whose pestering has made this,
whatever this is,
a reality, Lisa Simpson.
This land bridge will allow animals to
migrate safely and end the collisions
that have turned our freeways
into a carcass-ridden hellscape.
[CHEERING]
- [SQUEAKING]
- [LOWING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[GASPS] That's it, furry friends.
Migrate wherever your little paws,
hooves and trotters wish to take you.
[ALL GASP]
They're headed towards the
pharmaceutical factory.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SCREAMING]
- Bobcats on drugs ♪
-
- Frogs on drugs ♪
-
- Coyotes on drugs ♪
-
- Deer on drugs ♪
-
- [THUDS]
- This is your crane on drugs.
The wildlife of Springfield
has gone on a bad trip,
gobbling up several tons
of psychiatric medication.
Snakes on antipsychotics are
befriending rats on Zoloft.
Beavers on beta blockers
are building dams
without their usual performance anxiety.
Turtles tweaking on
Adderall are racing past
chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin.
Look at those turtles go.
America's back, baby.
Dad, watch the road.
Oh, right, driving.
Okay, boy, you know the drill.
I can't get sucked into a conversation
with Milhouse's loser dad,
so you need to bail out of the car
without me coming to a full stop.
[UNBUCKLES SEAT BELT]
Don't push me.
I'm trying to time my jump.
- Love you, bud.
- [GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS, MUTTERS]
- [THUDS]
- [SCREAMS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hey, buddy. Come check out
this new sprinkler I bought.
360 rotation, ma friend.
[SIGHS]
Stuck at 90.
It was doing it this morning, I swear.
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]
[GROWLS]
[ALL SCREAM]
Get in here, or you'll be trampled.
Trampled, eh?
Death or Kirk?
Death or Kirk?
Death, it is. [YELPS]
Due to this tragic and
not-at-all-my-fault stampede
- of hopped-up wildlife
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
all citizens are required
to shelter in place.
At least until the badgers
come down from the Ritalin.
Looks like we're having a sleepover.
Boys' night!
Yay!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Nay.
Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti!
[BOTH] Mmm!
And to wash it down, the pasta water.
- Ooh.
- [GAGS]
You drink the water you
boil the noodles in?
Doesn't everyone?
[STUTTERS] It's got all the nutrients.
I love my "noody" juice. [SWALLOWS]
This family sucks. Everything
they do is different and wrong.
May I be excused to go to the bathroom?
Do you need to winkle or make?
[BOTH] Ew.
- [GROANS]
- [GROWLING]
[CONTENT CREATOR] Today,
I show you how to restore full rotation
- on the sprinkler head.
- [MUNCHES]
Step one, remove splash plate.
Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom?
Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed
'cause of my night sweats
and night farting and also something I'm
too embarrassed to talk about. [MUNCHES]
Uh-huh. Can I get one of those saltines?
Have a whole sleeve.
I get a 5% employee discount
at the cracker factory.
I took that in lieu of the pension.
[CHUCKLES]
[MUNCHES] Marge won't let
me eat crackers in bed
because it makes the bed all crumby.
Oh, man. That's how it starts.
Next thing you know, you can't even
take your socks off in your own house.
[LUANN] Kirk, socks!
[GRUMBLES]
Well, it's been really great
having you guys.
We'll finish the jigsaw
puzzle next time.
- We got the corners! That's the hard part!
- [VEHICLE DEPARTS]
[SPRINKLER CLICKING]
Well, great.
Now it does a full rotation.
And they say "winkle" instead of "whiz."
Who says "winkle"?
We should. I think it's cute.
Winkle. [GIGGLES]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, no, it's him. I'm not here.
Oh, hi, Kirk. Are you okay?
You're not looking your most,
uh, sheveled.
Yeah, that's because
I haven't slept in a week.
I couldn't stop thinking
about how cracker crumbs
are destroying your marital bed.
Who told you that?
- Not me.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
I kept wondering about how I
could save your sexless marriage,
and then some teens dropped candy
apples on my car from an overpass.
They weren't all teens.
I mean, tell us more.
When the apples hit my windshield,
the glass cracked like a spiderweb
but didn't spray any shards.
And that is when I had an epiphany.
I could use that same technology
to make a crumbless cracker.
A crumbless cracker? That's madness.
All I had to do was create a new edible
polymer and a mouth-safe adhesive.
And after working on that
for 96 hours straight,
I came up with this.
Take a bite, buddy.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
It broke clean.
[THUDS]
Kirk Van Houten,
you did something incredible.
No, Homer, we did something incredible.
This is big, man.
It's just hard to wrap my head
around the idea of a cracker
that doesn't crumb and
a you that doesn't suck.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, yeah, I-I used to suck pretty hard,
yeah, but you brought me out of
it with your brilliant insight.
And now now I need you
to take a leap of faith.
I do like faith.
It is the best way to get
out of thinking about stuff.
Quit your job and partner with me in
a new, cutting-edge cracker company.
Homer? A cracker bro?
Let's take a walk.
Picture something for me.
Imagine this street is your whole life.
Whoa.
For a while,
your existence was pretty good,
but then things got hard
and life's crackers began to
shower you with their crumbs.
The job.
The boy.
The hair.
All those crumbs you
endured were worth it
because they led you
to a different path.
And after we walk it,
you're gonna be a hero
to your family [CHUCKLES]
and to the world.
I wanna share this journey with
you because you're a good man.
I love you.
I love you too.
Tell me, do you dare wipe away
these starchy particles of shame?
Homer, will you join me
down this unknown road?
I just have one question.
If there's no crumbs,
what's that on your shirt?
Dandruff.
I'm in.
Excuse me, sir, would you like to
taste the future of bland food?
[MUNCHES] Mmm.
Not bad. And no crumbs.
Tonight,
I'm gonna have the cleanest beard
at the botched meth handoff.
Sisters, you gotta try these.
- Mmm. And no crumbs.
- Mmm.
It's a crispy habit that
won't mess up your habit.
[ALL] It's a miracle.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Listen up, toilet paper hoarders
and hot dog cheapskates.
The cracker revolution is here.
[CHEERING]
Yums, not crumbs. Yums, not crumbs.
[CHANTING] Yums, not crumbs!
Yums, not crumbs!
It's happening! [GRUNTS]
- Ooh.
- Oh, my God.
Um, Kirk, as your doctor,
I am deeply concerned by your behavior.
[CHUCKLES] I left you a
message regarding your
Not now, Doc.
I've gotta change the world.
And no crumbs.
[CHEERING]
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CLINKS] Good news.
Delta Air Lines just ordered cracker
sleeves for their entire fleet.
Going crumbless is gonna save them
$1.5 million a day in cleaning costs.
- [CHEERING]
- All right, Dad.
Uh, Garçon, how much is your
most expensive bottle of wine?
Forty bucks. Snoopy's on the bottle.
Aw, it's not good enough for my friends,
which is why I bought this
$15,000 bottle at auction.
[ALL GASP]
Uh, sweetheart,
isn't that a little pricey?
Honey, if there's one thing I know,
it's that there will always be
enough money for everything forever.
We are eternity.
Nothing goes away.
Dad, you're being a little weird.
Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise.
And, Luann, you're just so freaking hot.
I wish I was that lobster bib,
just so damp and all over you.
Does Kirk seem a little bejazzled?
[SHUSHES] We're missing
his brilliant insights.
Oh, I just love the feeling of
your sweat touching my sweat.
[MOANS]
Oh Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
Oh, let me get a better look
at you, baby.
- Come here, come here.
- [TABLE CREAKS]
- Be careful!
- [GASPS] Honey, please.
Oh, come on, baby.
Shake your Milhouse maker.
I wanna bang the whole world!
Sixteen, 17, 18, 19
Amazing.
I don't know what's happening
with Mr. Van Houten.
It's like he's on something.
More like he's off something.
You see,
Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder,
and he ran out of his meds during
the pharmaceutical shortage
caused by that horribly
ill-advised wildlife crossing.
[WHIMPERS]
And when the drug supply returned,
Kirk refused to go back on his meds
because he felt like, quote,
"Superman surfing a hurricane."
I'm afraid your friend is now
well into a manic phase.
Um, Dr. Hibbert,
should you be telling us all this?
Probably not, but I just had
five mac-and-cheeseball martinis.
I guess doctor-patient
confidentiality doesn't stand a chance
against deep-fried gin.
[GIGGLES] I feel terrible.
He needs to get back on his medication.
Kirk has a serious illness.
Marge, you just had
a $3,000 glass of wine.
How is that an illness?
Yeah, Kirk rules.
He's like the Joker in those awesome
Batman movies where there's no Batman.
According to the DSM-5,
"Bipolar disorder type one causes
periods of up, elated behavior
followed by down periods of
despair and hopelessness."
Guys, wait up!
I-I need to tell you something.
Thank you for coming, buddy.
[GRUNTS] Really appreciate it.
I don't even live in this direction!
[CHUCKLES]
- [WAVES LAPPING]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Luann. I wanted to talk
about Kirk's behavior last night.
It seemed a little, uh, unmedicated?
Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder."
It turns out there's a cure: money.
That'll be all, Cashington.
But aren't you worried that
That I won't be able to keep him
sexually satisfied? Of course I am.
We've made love four times today.
Five if you count the time
he took me at Panera Bread.
Why wouldn't you count that one?
Listen, Marge, I know you're only here
because you wanna sleep with Kirk.
I do not.
Really?
He just became a minority
owner of the Calgary Flames.
Oh, they haven't been good for years.
Aren't you at least worried about
how this could affect Milhouse?
[CHUCKLES] Look at me. I'm Daddy.
[GRUNTING]
- [SCREAMS]
- [CRASHES]
[CHUCKLES] That's going to be
the boarding school's problem.
[PRESENTER] You're watching CNBC:
The Crackers,
Nothing but Crackers Network.
I'm Harper Poppyseed,
- And this is Crunch Time: Live.
- [MUNCHES]
Today, we talk with the genius behind
the crumbless cracker, Kirk Van Houten,
and his cofounder, Homer Simpson.
Your Kirkers brand now controls
6% of the national saltine market.
What are your plans for expansion?
We don't have a plan for expansion.
We have a plan for domination.
I eat skyscrapers.
Um, what my colleague is
saying is that we have a plan
for measured steady growth.
What is this thing? I hate it.
Do you mean the stock ticker?
Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, those cheddar chumps turned
me down for a job seven years ago.
Hey, Zits, tell me how ma butt tastes.
Well, that's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say
your product is not all it's crack
We really gonna talk about crackers
when humanity is on the
verge of extinction
[CHUCKLING] and I am the
only one who can save us?
[SCOFFS] Excuse me?
Once temperatures on the
Earth's surface become lethal,
we need to transport
citizens to the ocean floor
using a high-speed aquatic rocket.
Ooh. Oh, my God.
Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted
over 60% since the start of our interview.
And humanity needs to plummet
2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor.
Fund the aqua rocket now.
Oh It's no longer safe
for me to be here.
[YELLS] Ow.
It's not a real city.
Homer, I don't feel so good.
Hey, buddy. What you doing?
Checking the weather.
"Gray and cloudy." Refresh.
"Gray and cloudy." Refresh.
You know how some people think
you're something called "bipolar"?
Not me,
but this might be the other pole.
I think I'm gonna stop
brushing my teeth.
This is the FBI. We have a warrant.
Why is the FBI here?
Uh, because I stole money
from the cracker company
to fund the aqua rocket,
and now we're being
investigated by the SEC.
[GASPS] The Salty Edibles Commission?
- No. No, no, no!
- [SNIFFS]
Mmm, my hand smells like cheese.
[MARGE] What the hell is happening?
Well, Kirk has been stealing
money from the company
to fund an underwater super
boat that doesn't exist.
Well, everyone is terrified.
As soon as the FBI came in,
Bart ran upstairs.
Not the feds, not the feds.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
You know how I was warning you
about how Kirk was bipolar?
I was the one [STAMMERS]
You-You didn't [GRUNTS]
It's okay. It's okay. I forgive you.
I have a plan to make everything right.
What could you possibly do?
I've gotta take the fall
for Kirk's crimes.
Our family's in ruins!
No, no. Look, if Kirk goes to jail,
the cracker company is worthless.
But if I confess, our shares in
the business will make us rich.
No amount of money can fix this.
Not even this much?
Not even th [GASPS]
I-I-I still don't
think you should do it.
Oh, there's another zero.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
It doesn't matter. Promise me
you won't take the fall for Kirk.
Okay, I promise.
I'll think of another way.
[HOMER] Dearest Marge,
I couldn't think of another way.
- [GASPS]
- [HOMER] Please try not to gasp.
I'll be okay.
They'll send me to a white-collar prison
that probably has lots of
DVDs in their DVD library.
Kiss Lisa and Maggie and strangle
the boy for me. Love, Homer.
When your day is long ♪
And at night ♪
At night, you snack alone ♪
When you're sure
your hunger's gone ♪
For this life ♪
Well, hang on ♪
Don't let yourself choke ♪
Just because your mouth is dry ♪
Everybody Kirks ♪
Crumb times ♪
Well, everybody Kirks ♪
At crumb times ♪
When crackers taste like lies ♪
Everybody Kirks ♪
So munch on ♪
Munch on ♪
Everybody Kirks ♪
Munch on, Kirk.
[MUSIC STOPS]
I need to talk to your husband now.
Oh, look. Kitty needs her ball of yarn.
I see you wore your sluttiest dress.
Whatever. Where is he?
Oh, Kirk, I know you're not to blame
for this depression, and I'm sorry.
[GROANS]
But Homer is Stop eating turkey!
Blech.
Wake up.
[GASPS, SCREAMING]
Kirk, you're only supposed
to use the pool shower.
Sad, Marge. Just sad.
Homer is on his way to
confess to your crimes.
You have to go to the FBI
and tell them the truth.
Milhouse is crying on me.
Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills.
God love him, but he's so unethical.
If you take these, you'll feel better.
But no one likes me
when I'm regular Kirk.
When I stopped taking my meds,
everyone liked me.
I didn't.
But if you ever cared about your
friendship with Homer, take this.
[KIRK SWALLOWS]
Homer's been gone for so long.
There's no time to catch up to him
before he confesses and
my family is destroyed.
Whoa. Yes, there is.
The-The aqua rocket.
There is no aqua rocket. It only
exists in your manic, psychotic mind.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMS]
This is incredible.
Oh, I couldn't even get the color right.
The missiles don't even work.
I'm so stupid.
[ENGINE REVS]
Is this what being manic feels like?
Yeah.
Now I get it.
Aqua rocket?
But I can't let you go to jail.
The world needs you. I need you.
The person you need is Manic Kirk,
and he's gone.
But we were going to walk down
the unknown road together.
Hey, hey. We'll always have
Cracker Con Cleveland.
Kirk, never forget.
You are the best dude.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS]
["SUPERMAN" PLAYING]
I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
And I know what's happening ♪
If you go a million miles away ♪
I'll track you down, girl ♪
Trust me when I say ♪
I know the pathway to your heart ♪
I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
And I know what's happening ♪
I am, I am, I am Superman ♪
And I can do anything ♪
[SONG ENDS]
Shh.