The Simpsons s38e01 Episode Script
The Children's Book Job
1
and will, to the best of my ability,
uphold the standards and traditions
of the Springfield Elementary
Parent Teacher Association.
Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson.
I'm sure your tenure
as our new PTA president
will be a rousing success.
Also, the state is closing
this school forever.
[ALL GASP]
Yes, well, that is well-gasped.
Because Comptroller Atkins
has decided that one school
must be closed at the end of the year,
and Springfield Elementary
is the obvious candidate,
due to its staggeringly low test scores
and persistent infestation of owls.
[HOOTING]
[MURMURING]
This is terrible.
The teachers and myself
will all be scattered
to different schools.
Now, rest assured that will not happen.
You'll all be fired.
Bombardment
This means Martin would have to go to
West Springfield Elementary.
It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.
[GASPS] That's three more wedgies.
Eh, five, if the lights are against him.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
Okay, people, okay, let's not panic!
We still have time.
If we put our heads together,
maybe we can find a
way to prove our school
is worthy of being spared.
Vote the fascist out.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
[OWLS HOOTING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, we're going to need a miracle
to save the school.
Maybe we could impress
the state school board
by sending them pencils
printed with quotations
from history's most brilliant thinkers.
Oh, sweetie, that's just the
type of thing you would pitch.
Thank you?
We can do this. All our school has to do
is suck a little bit less
than the next suckiest one.
We don't say "suck" in this family,
we say "sudge."
[GROANS] But our school
sudges so sudging hard.
It sudges monkey nudge.
Homer, do you have any ideas?
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
[HOMER] Unlock ball return.
A thousand more pins,
and I upgrade my lane arrows.
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
Oh, you're so checked out
playing that stupid game.
It helps me relax
after a long day of work.
- [SAD SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]
- [GASPS]
D'oh! Ball jam.
This is the last thing I sudging need!
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
I got two of the circle ones.
See, when I say the students
should do a "Squid Game"
to save the school,
everyone assumes I mean
it should be to the death,
but it don't have to be. Necessarily.
[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me
I say we move the school to a galleon,
and have those overpaid teachers
work for jolly-limes and hardtack.
Excuse me
I propose a Shakespeare festival,
but not the obvious fan-pleasers.
I give youTimon of Athens.
I said excuse me! I have the answer.
Ah. Now, who here's heard of
the classic children's book
The Plucky Little Goat?
[MURMURING]
Ooh, I love that book.
Homer and I used to read it to the kids.
The Plucky Little Goat taught me that,
despite humanity's rough edges,
we all have an innate goodness
that can't be denied.
Oh, sweetie, that's just the
kind of review you would give.
Are you mad at me?
I like when the goat says,
"There's no problem
that can't be solved
with a good headbutt."
- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
- Oh, yeah.
- [OTHERS MURMURING]
Well, the woman
who wrote and illustrated it
Constance Clavinger
hasn't been seen for 30 years.
They say she's un-gettable.
Well, guess again.
My Geoffrey knows someone
in England who knows her
I called in a favor
from a very old friend
- Let me tell it.
- It's my story.
- I tell it better. I tell it.
- Ugh.
Constance Clavinger
has agreed to come from England
to our upcoming book fair
and read, for the first time ever,
her long-awaited sequel
toThe Plucky Little Goat.
There's a sequel? [SCREAMS]
We'll get covered by the local news,
national news,
and every reporter I carry in my pocket
like so many nickels and dimes.
With this once-in-a-lifetime
literary triumph,
the state won't dare close us down.
We'll be saved!
- [CHEERING]
- [OWLS HOOTING]
Okay, I'm off to pick up
Constance Clavinger
at the airport.
I'll see you at the fair.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Go for Marge.
Now, we need you down here ASAP.
Helen Lovejoy is rounding up
all the books that, quote,
"glorify the seven deadly sins."
The Very Hungry Caterpillar?
Gluttony defined.
[GROANS] You'll have to handle it.
Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.
[BERNICE] But only you
can talk Helen down.
What's that little engine trying
to get up the hill for anyway?
Steam-powered fornication?
[SIGHS] Okay, I'll be right there.
I just have to find someone
who can pick up Miss Clavinger.
- Marge! Marge!
- You'll do it?
I already did it. I unlocked
the claw machine in the arcade.
That's a minigame with its own currency.
Claw, claw, claw,
- claw, claw.
- Homer,
I need you to go to the airport
and pick up Miss Clavinger.
You have to be focused.
You cannot be checked out.
Claw?
If you don't get her to the book fair,
the kids will have to go to a new school
and you'll have to meet new parents.
[SCREAMS]
[CAR SPEEDS AWAY]
[GATE AGENT] Flight 72
from London is now arriving.
Welcome to the United States of America.
Your ICE agent will greet you
at baggage claim.
I suppose you're waiting for me.
-
- Homer Simpson, your American driver.
My car is illegally parked
just outside the Brexit.
Brilliant to meet you, Homer.
If you don't mind,
I just need a moment to freshen up.
[HOMER] British people are so classy.
Maybe I should start saying "freshen up"
instead of "take a dump."
Okay, I'll just wait here,
me and my thoughts.
Alone with my thoughts.
Pin, pin, pin
Pin, pin, pin.
[CLAVINGER LAUGHING]
Those magnificent men
in their flying machines ♪
They go up, tiddley up, up ♪
They go down,
tiddley down, down. ♪
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm singing
the greatest song of all time!
Look, British goat lady,
we all agree that song's a banger,
but I have to get you to the book fair
- so my wife can save the school.
- I'll drive.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Oh!
[LAUGHING]
Eat my tires, Bridget Jones.
[LAUGHING]
This pepper pot is off her trolley!
Look, lady, if you really want to drink,
get hammered after you save the school,
but right now,
you got to sober up for the book fair.
Here. Drink this coffee.
Pretend it's tea.
A gentleman doesn't push
things into a lady's face.
[SCOFFS] I can handle my liquor.
[RETCHING]
Oh, lovely. Oh, good as new.
No, that was the first of many.
[RETCHING]
I think I may need
to stop off at a boutique
where I can purchase
a new vomit-free blouse.
[SPITTING]
Okay, hurry up.
We got to get you to that book fair.
Oh, don't fret, schlomo.
I'll be back with a new outfit
in an Old York minute.
[WHOOPING HAPPILY]
Oh, la, la, la, la
Accent Lady?
Nanny McPhee? Where are you?
I'm ever so over here.
Oh, be a lamb and help me with these.
How much clothes do you need
for one book reading?
Stop that shoplifter
and her portly pally.
[GASPS] Constance Clavinger
does not shoplift.
I have a charge account at Harrods.
Is this Harrods?
Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
It's a terrible kettle of fish,
and this is coming from a guy
who loves fish kettles.
Why aren't you classy like
my favorite British person,
Prince Andrew?
[SNAKE]
Yo, show this woman a little respect.
Miss Clavinger, I'm honored to
share an outlet mall jail cell
with the creator of the goat
who taught me right from wrong.
I chose wrong.
Oh, well, aren't you a naughty crumpet.
- Oh
- [PHONE RINGS]
[SCREAMS] It's Marge!
Okay, I let Helen burn a couple
of kids' books by Colin Jost.
That seemed to get it out of her system.
Burn, whoever you are.
But you should be here
with Miss Clavinger by now.
I just vacuumed the red carpet.
Is everything okay?
No, everything's not okay.
Clavinger's plastered and we're
trapped in an outlet mall jail.
What? What did you do?
It's all my fault, I'm afraid.
Marge, your Hagrid
is an absolute treasure.
Now, don't you worry,
I will sort this out
and read to those children
in two shakes of a corgi's tail.
[LAUGHS] Corgis' tails do shake fast.
She's on her way.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- [CHEERING]
Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer.
Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up
with my drinking and
accidental shoplifting
and accidental cocaine snorting.
Well, it's all because
I haven't written anything
in 30 years, and I'm ever so nervous
about reading my new book in public.
But now,
the children will never hear it.
[CRYING]
Oh, yes, they will.
It's like the Plucky Little Goat
always says, "Follow your heart
and trust in your friends.
And there is no problem that
can't be solved with a good"
[SNAKE AND CLAVINGER] Headbutt!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Of course. This is an outlet mall,
so even the jail is made
of factory rejects.
[GRUNTS]
- There's my car!
- I'll drive.
Toss me the keys.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Thank you for trusting me, friend!
Sudge!
Okay, we can still make it.
We just need to get a cab.
But my book is in my shoulder bag,
which is on the backseat of your car.
Why me, God,
you miserable space bastard?
[GASPS] Wait a minute,
we can find the car
using my tracking app.
Thank you, you wonderful space bastard!
[GASPS] There's a tracker in your car?
No. There's a sub sandwich
in the glove box,
and I put a tracker on that.
The sub had extra mayo.
Hey! I need to commandeer your vehicle.
Husband emergency.
But I'm on my way to dialysis. I
Quit hogging life, boomer.
- [GRUNTS]
- [EXCLAIMS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Okay, we have to sneak down there
and get your book out of my car
without them noticing.
That will be the stickiest of
wickets after they crush it.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
My sandwich!
♪
I'm coming, mayo!
[HOMER GRUNTS]
You risked your life to save my book!
Oh, I could kiss you,
you wonderful skin snowman.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Oh, oh, oh, no, I dropped my galleys.
Never fear, milady. I've got them.
Every heartwarming page
where the Plucky Little Goat
is fed into a sausage grinder?!
[HOMER READING]
You can't read this to children!
Ooh, but I must read it to children,
in a grand public setting.
It's the only way I'll kill off
that whingeing goat
once and for all!
But why?
Do you know what it's like
being hounded by children
and former children wherever you go?
Forced to perpetuate a fairy tale
that "the world is full
of wonderful people
"nibbling on crumble cakes,
and even the ugliest toad
has a soul of gold."
Oh, rubbish.
People betray you, like my husband,
when I caught him in bed
with the checkout girl from Tesco.
And do you know what was tattooed
on her 22-year-old arse cheek?
The Plucky Little Goat!
Arse means ass.
When those wide-eyed innocents
get an earful of goat sausage,
I'll bring the whole ruddy thing
down in a blaze of glory!
All bridges burned!
I'll be free!
There is no way I am taking you
to that book fair now.
Then I shall find my own way.
Constance Clavinger? Hop in!
Next stop, disillusioned children!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
All right, Homer, that coked-up Camilla
is gonna break all those kids' brains
unless you stop her.
No time to waste talking to yourself.
You've got to focus
- like you've never
- [PHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS] A push notice.
My life's work.
My wife's work.
No! Sorry, Internet Lanes.
Find some other sucker's life to waste.
My kidneys [GROANS]
♪
[ARNIE OVER RADIO]
This is Arnie Pye with "Pye in the Air."
I'm transporting the
great Constance Clavinger
to the Springfield Elementary Book Fair.
I'm going to get her there
in record time,
barring, of course,
any breaking traffic news.
Breakin g traffic news, eh?
For the children.
[HOMER GRUNTING]
Take that, Moleman's car!
Look at that snarl-up.
I am duty bound to report it.
No!
I must sacrifice that goat.
I simply must!
[SNORTS] Ah!
Poppins power activate.
Oh, muffins. [SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
You'll never stop me
from blowing up my life!
There's still time to kill her.
[GRUNTING]
[HOMER GROANING WEAKLY]
Hey!
[GROANING]
Seriously concussed.
Slipping into children's book fantasy.
[LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING]
[HOMER GRUNTING]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
♪
[STRAINING]
[GRUMBLES]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GRUNTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Hmm.
- [SCREAMS]
- [GULPING]
[GRUNTS]
[CRYING OUT]
Pin, pin, pin, pin.
[BABBLES]
[CLAVINGER] Get ready, kiddies.
No!
Marge, you promised me
Constance Clavinger,
and instead you delivered Colin Jost?
"'Toot, toot, toot, ' went the ferry
as it splish-splash-sploodled
away from Staten Island."
[ALL BOOING]
Clavinger in the house!
[CHEERING]
[JOST GRUMBLES]
She's here. Oh, my God!
Well, of course I'm here.
And I'm ready to read.
Clavinger, heel!
You can't stop me. I need to be free.
Constance,
I'm sorry being rich and famous
has been so hard for you,
but over the course of today,
I remembered something,
I used to readThe Plucky
Little Goatto my kids.
After all, books are better parents
than I could ever be.
But then, my kids got older,
and I lost my mind to phone games.
I can't make new memories,
so please, don't ruin
the only good ones I have.
That's the most moving,
genuine, heartfelt speech
I've ever decided to ignore. Toodles.
[CLEARS THROAT]
The Further Adventures
of the Plucky Little Goat.
Homie, you did it. Bart and Lisa
will never forget this day.
They sure won't.
"One dreary morning,
"the Plucky Little Goat
awoke with a feeling
"today would be special,
"but not in a happy way.
Because this was the day that"
♪
"the Plucky Little Goat decided today
- would be a different story."
- Huh?
[CLAVINGER] The Plucky Little Goat
was far from her barnyard home,
in a strange place with lots
of guns and no vaccines.
Then, at the airport,
she met a great big hippopotamus,
who smelled like the
worst parts of the jungle,
but who was kindly just the same.
And thanks to him,
they had a wonderful adventure.
The smelly hippo showed the goat
that there are things
worth saving in this world,
like children's innocence
and mayo-drenched sandwiches,
and not all people will cheat on you
with a much younger grocery whore.
The end.
The wait was worth it.
[CHEERING]
Homie, you weren't checked out.
You were present.
For once in our marriage,
I didn't sudge.
[CHEERING]
Pretty sexy, huh?
It's not bad. I like mine better.
Why did we have to come watch this?
'Cause it's family day.
[CLAVINGER]
Those magnificent men ♪
In their flying machines ♪
[HOMER]
They go up, tiddley up, up ♪
[CLAVINGER]
♪They go down, tiddley down, down ♪
[HOMER]
They enchant all the ladies ♪
And steal the scenes ♪
[CLAVINGER]
♪With their up, tiddley up, up ♪
[HOMER] ♪And their down,
tiddley down, down ♪
[HOMER AND CLAVINGER]
Up, down, flying around ♪
Looping the loop
and defying the ground ♪
They're all frightfully keen ♪
Those magnificent men
in their flying machines. ♪
Shh!
and will, to the best of my ability,
uphold the standards and traditions
of the Springfield Elementary
Parent Teacher Association.
Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson.
I'm sure your tenure
as our new PTA president
will be a rousing success.
Also, the state is closing
this school forever.
[ALL GASP]
Yes, well, that is well-gasped.
Because Comptroller Atkins
has decided that one school
must be closed at the end of the year,
and Springfield Elementary
is the obvious candidate,
due to its staggeringly low test scores
and persistent infestation of owls.
[HOOTING]
[MURMURING]
This is terrible.
The teachers and myself
will all be scattered
to different schools.
Now, rest assured that will not happen.
You'll all be fired.
Bombardment
This means Martin would have to go to
West Springfield Elementary.
It's a 15-minute longer bus ride.
[GASPS] That's three more wedgies.
Eh, five, if the lights are against him.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
Okay, people, okay, let's not panic!
We still have time.
If we put our heads together,
maybe we can find a
way to prove our school
is worthy of being spared.
Vote the fascist out.
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
[OWLS HOOTING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, we're going to need a miracle
to save the school.
Maybe we could impress
the state school board
by sending them pencils
printed with quotations
from history's most brilliant thinkers.
Oh, sweetie, that's just the
type of thing you would pitch.
Thank you?
We can do this. All our school has to do
is suck a little bit less
than the next suckiest one.
We don't say "suck" in this family,
we say "sudge."
[GROANS] But our school
sudges so sudging hard.
It sudges monkey nudge.
Homer, do you have any ideas?
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
[HOMER] Unlock ball return.
A thousand more pins,
and I upgrade my lane arrows.
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
Oh, you're so checked out
playing that stupid game.
It helps me relax
after a long day of work.
- [SAD SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]
- [GASPS]
D'oh! Ball jam.
This is the last thing I sudging need!
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.
I got two of the circle ones.
See, when I say the students
should do a "Squid Game"
to save the school,
everyone assumes I mean
it should be to the death,
but it don't have to be. Necessarily.
[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me
I say we move the school to a galleon,
and have those overpaid teachers
work for jolly-limes and hardtack.
Excuse me
I propose a Shakespeare festival,
but not the obvious fan-pleasers.
I give youTimon of Athens.
I said excuse me! I have the answer.
Ah. Now, who here's heard of
the classic children's book
The Plucky Little Goat?
[MURMURING]
Ooh, I love that book.
Homer and I used to read it to the kids.
The Plucky Little Goat taught me that,
despite humanity's rough edges,
we all have an innate goodness
that can't be denied.
Oh, sweetie, that's just the
kind of review you would give.
Are you mad at me?
I like when the goat says,
"There's no problem
that can't be solved
with a good headbutt."
- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]
- Oh, yeah.
- [OTHERS MURMURING]
Well, the woman
who wrote and illustrated it
Constance Clavinger
hasn't been seen for 30 years.
They say she's un-gettable.
Well, guess again.
My Geoffrey knows someone
in England who knows her
I called in a favor
from a very old friend
- Let me tell it.
- It's my story.
- I tell it better. I tell it.
- Ugh.
Constance Clavinger
has agreed to come from England
to our upcoming book fair
and read, for the first time ever,
her long-awaited sequel
toThe Plucky Little Goat.
There's a sequel? [SCREAMS]
We'll get covered by the local news,
national news,
and every reporter I carry in my pocket
like so many nickels and dimes.
With this once-in-a-lifetime
literary triumph,
the state won't dare close us down.
We'll be saved!
- [CHEERING]
- [OWLS HOOTING]
Okay, I'm off to pick up
Constance Clavinger
at the airport.
I'll see you at the fair.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Go for Marge.
Now, we need you down here ASAP.
Helen Lovejoy is rounding up
all the books that, quote,
"glorify the seven deadly sins."
The Very Hungry Caterpillar?
Gluttony defined.
[GROANS] You'll have to handle it.
Constance Clavinger lands in an hour.
[BERNICE] But only you
can talk Helen down.
What's that little engine trying
to get up the hill for anyway?
Steam-powered fornication?
[SIGHS] Okay, I'll be right there.
I just have to find someone
who can pick up Miss Clavinger.
- Marge! Marge!
- You'll do it?
I already did it. I unlocked
the claw machine in the arcade.
That's a minigame with its own currency.
Claw, claw, claw,
- claw, claw.
- Homer,
I need you to go to the airport
and pick up Miss Clavinger.
You have to be focused.
You cannot be checked out.
Claw?
If you don't get her to the book fair,
the kids will have to go to a new school
and you'll have to meet new parents.
[SCREAMS]
[CAR SPEEDS AWAY]
[GATE AGENT] Flight 72
from London is now arriving.
Welcome to the United States of America.
Your ICE agent will greet you
at baggage claim.
I suppose you're waiting for me.
-
- Homer Simpson, your American driver.
My car is illegally parked
just outside the Brexit.
Brilliant to meet you, Homer.
If you don't mind,
I just need a moment to freshen up.
[HOMER] British people are so classy.
Maybe I should start saying "freshen up"
instead of "take a dump."
Okay, I'll just wait here,
me and my thoughts.
Alone with my thoughts.
Pin, pin, pin
Pin, pin, pin.
[CLAVINGER LAUGHING]
Those magnificent men
in their flying machines ♪
They go up, tiddley up, up ♪
They go down,
tiddley down, down. ♪
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm singing
the greatest song of all time!
Look, British goat lady,
we all agree that song's a banger,
but I have to get you to the book fair
- so my wife can save the school.
- I'll drive.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Oh!
[LAUGHING]
Eat my tires, Bridget Jones.
[LAUGHING]
This pepper pot is off her trolley!
Look, lady, if you really want to drink,
get hammered after you save the school,
but right now,
you got to sober up for the book fair.
Here. Drink this coffee.
Pretend it's tea.
A gentleman doesn't push
things into a lady's face.
[SCOFFS] I can handle my liquor.
[RETCHING]
Oh, lovely. Oh, good as new.
No, that was the first of many.
[RETCHING]
I think I may need
to stop off at a boutique
where I can purchase
a new vomit-free blouse.
[SPITTING]
Okay, hurry up.
We got to get you to that book fair.
Oh, don't fret, schlomo.
I'll be back with a new outfit
in an Old York minute.
[WHOOPING HAPPILY]
Oh, la, la, la, la
Accent Lady?
Nanny McPhee? Where are you?
I'm ever so over here.
Oh, be a lamb and help me with these.
How much clothes do you need
for one book reading?
Stop that shoplifter
and her portly pally.
[GASPS] Constance Clavinger
does not shoplift.
I have a charge account at Harrods.
Is this Harrods?
Well, isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
It's a terrible kettle of fish,
and this is coming from a guy
who loves fish kettles.
Why aren't you classy like
my favorite British person,
Prince Andrew?
[SNAKE]
Yo, show this woman a little respect.
Miss Clavinger, I'm honored to
share an outlet mall jail cell
with the creator of the goat
who taught me right from wrong.
I chose wrong.
Oh, well, aren't you a naughty crumpet.
- Oh
- [PHONE RINGS]
[SCREAMS] It's Marge!
Okay, I let Helen burn a couple
of kids' books by Colin Jost.
That seemed to get it out of her system.
Burn, whoever you are.
But you should be here
with Miss Clavinger by now.
I just vacuumed the red carpet.
Is everything okay?
No, everything's not okay.
Clavinger's plastered and we're
trapped in an outlet mall jail.
What? What did you do?
It's all my fault, I'm afraid.
Marge, your Hagrid
is an absolute treasure.
Now, don't you worry,
I will sort this out
and read to those children
in two shakes of a corgi's tail.
[LAUGHS] Corgis' tails do shake fast.
She's on her way.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- [CHEERING]
Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer.
Oh, I've gone and cocked it all up
with my drinking and
accidental shoplifting
and accidental cocaine snorting.
Well, it's all because
I haven't written anything
in 30 years, and I'm ever so nervous
about reading my new book in public.
But now,
the children will never hear it.
[CRYING]
Oh, yes, they will.
It's like the Plucky Little Goat
always says, "Follow your heart
and trust in your friends.
And there is no problem that
can't be solved with a good"
[SNAKE AND CLAVINGER] Headbutt!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Of course. This is an outlet mall,
so even the jail is made
of factory rejects.
[GRUNTS]
- There's my car!
- I'll drive.
Toss me the keys.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Thank you for trusting me, friend!
Sudge!
Okay, we can still make it.
We just need to get a cab.
But my book is in my shoulder bag,
which is on the backseat of your car.
Why me, God,
you miserable space bastard?
[GASPS] Wait a minute,
we can find the car
using my tracking app.
Thank you, you wonderful space bastard!
[GASPS] There's a tracker in your car?
No. There's a sub sandwich
in the glove box,
and I put a tracker on that.
The sub had extra mayo.
Hey! I need to commandeer your vehicle.
Husband emergency.
But I'm on my way to dialysis. I
Quit hogging life, boomer.
- [GRUNTS]
- [EXCLAIMS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Okay, we have to sneak down there
and get your book out of my car
without them noticing.
That will be the stickiest of
wickets after they crush it.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
My sandwich!
♪
I'm coming, mayo!
[HOMER GRUNTS]
You risked your life to save my book!
Oh, I could kiss you,
you wonderful skin snowman.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Oh, oh, oh, no, I dropped my galleys.
Never fear, milady. I've got them.
Every heartwarming page
where the Plucky Little Goat
is fed into a sausage grinder?!
[HOMER READING]
You can't read this to children!
Ooh, but I must read it to children,
in a grand public setting.
It's the only way I'll kill off
that whingeing goat
once and for all!
But why?
Do you know what it's like
being hounded by children
and former children wherever you go?
Forced to perpetuate a fairy tale
that "the world is full
of wonderful people
"nibbling on crumble cakes,
and even the ugliest toad
has a soul of gold."
Oh, rubbish.
People betray you, like my husband,
when I caught him in bed
with the checkout girl from Tesco.
And do you know what was tattooed
on her 22-year-old arse cheek?
The Plucky Little Goat!
Arse means ass.
When those wide-eyed innocents
get an earful of goat sausage,
I'll bring the whole ruddy thing
down in a blaze of glory!
All bridges burned!
I'll be free!
There is no way I am taking you
to that book fair now.
Then I shall find my own way.
Constance Clavinger? Hop in!
Next stop, disillusioned children!
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
All right, Homer, that coked-up Camilla
is gonna break all those kids' brains
unless you stop her.
No time to waste talking to yourself.
You've got to focus
- like you've never
- [PHONE CHIMES]
[GASPS] A push notice.
My life's work.
My wife's work.
No! Sorry, Internet Lanes.
Find some other sucker's life to waste.
My kidneys [GROANS]
♪
[ARNIE OVER RADIO]
This is Arnie Pye with "Pye in the Air."
I'm transporting the
great Constance Clavinger
to the Springfield Elementary Book Fair.
I'm going to get her there
in record time,
barring, of course,
any breaking traffic news.
Breakin g traffic news, eh?
For the children.
[HOMER GRUNTING]
Take that, Moleman's car!
Look at that snarl-up.
I am duty bound to report it.
No!
I must sacrifice that goat.
I simply must!
[SNORTS] Ah!
Poppins power activate.
Oh, muffins. [SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
You'll never stop me
from blowing up my life!
There's still time to kill her.
[GRUNTING]
[HOMER GROANING WEAKLY]
Hey!
[GROANING]
Seriously concussed.
Slipping into children's book fantasy.
[LULLABY MUSIC PLAYING]
[HOMER GRUNTING]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
♪
[STRAINING]
[GRUMBLES]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GRUNTING]
[EXCLAIMS]
Hmm.
- [SCREAMS]
- [GULPING]
[GRUNTS]
[CRYING OUT]
Pin, pin, pin, pin.
[BABBLES]
[CLAVINGER] Get ready, kiddies.
No!
Marge, you promised me
Constance Clavinger,
and instead you delivered Colin Jost?
"'Toot, toot, toot, ' went the ferry
as it splish-splash-sploodled
away from Staten Island."
[ALL BOOING]
Clavinger in the house!
[CHEERING]
[JOST GRUMBLES]
She's here. Oh, my God!
Well, of course I'm here.
And I'm ready to read.
Clavinger, heel!
You can't stop me. I need to be free.
Constance,
I'm sorry being rich and famous
has been so hard for you,
but over the course of today,
I remembered something,
I used to readThe Plucky
Little Goatto my kids.
After all, books are better parents
than I could ever be.
But then, my kids got older,
and I lost my mind to phone games.
I can't make new memories,
so please, don't ruin
the only good ones I have.
That's the most moving,
genuine, heartfelt speech
I've ever decided to ignore. Toodles.
[CLEARS THROAT]
The Further Adventures
of the Plucky Little Goat.
Homie, you did it. Bart and Lisa
will never forget this day.
They sure won't.
"One dreary morning,
"the Plucky Little Goat
awoke with a feeling
"today would be special,
"but not in a happy way.
Because this was the day that"
♪
"the Plucky Little Goat decided today
- would be a different story."
- Huh?
[CLAVINGER] The Plucky Little Goat
was far from her barnyard home,
in a strange place with lots
of guns and no vaccines.
Then, at the airport,
she met a great big hippopotamus,
who smelled like the
worst parts of the jungle,
but who was kindly just the same.
And thanks to him,
they had a wonderful adventure.
The smelly hippo showed the goat
that there are things
worth saving in this world,
like children's innocence
and mayo-drenched sandwiches,
and not all people will cheat on you
with a much younger grocery whore.
The end.
The wait was worth it.
[CHEERING]
Homie, you weren't checked out.
You were present.
For once in our marriage,
I didn't sudge.
[CHEERING]
Pretty sexy, huh?
It's not bad. I like mine better.
Why did we have to come watch this?
'Cause it's family day.
[CLAVINGER]
Those magnificent men ♪
In their flying machines ♪
[HOMER]
They go up, tiddley up, up ♪
[CLAVINGER]
♪They go down, tiddley down, down ♪
[HOMER]
They enchant all the ladies ♪
And steal the scenes ♪
[CLAVINGER]
♪With their up, tiddley up, up ♪
[HOMER] ♪And their down,
tiddley down, down ♪
[HOMER AND CLAVINGER]
Up, down, flying around ♪
Looping the loop
and defying the ground ♪
They're all frightfully keen ♪
Those magnificent men
in their flying machines. ♪
Shh!