The Simpsons s38e02 Episode Script

1
So, based on the story of Moses,
how many of the Ten Commandments
did my ex-husband Bill break?
If I am to understand
"covet" correctly, five.
Her spray tan was on my sheets.
[WHIMPERS] Just watch a video.
Itchy and Scratchy in Sunday school?
It's a miracle.
[ALL CHEERING]
[BART] Chest bump!
[GOD] Abraham, take your son Isaac
to the land of Moriah
and make him a sacrifice unto me.
Stab the baby in the face.
[GOD] Halt!
You have proven you love God.
I bless you and will multiply your seed
like the stars of heaven.
Smite, smite, smite,
then they're saved ♪
God is the king of kings! ♪
[BART] Hmm?
What is this "nice" crap?
I want to see tummy ketchup.
Why the hell are Itchy and
Scratchy shilling for God?
Why the hell are Itchy and
Scratchy shilling for God?!
I'd never approve that.
How can they use my cartoons
without my permission?
Because Itchy and Scratchy is so old
that the copyright has expired.
Now they're in the public domain.
Anyone can use their image
or likeness for free.
Free don't burn holes in my septum.
Well, it's not just your characters.
The same thing has happened
to such beloved properties
- as Babar the Elephant
- What?
- Popeye
- Oh, no.
- even Winnie-the-Pooh.
- Oh, not Pooh.
This is a financial calamity.
Oh, I'm kind of into that
lady kangaroo, though.
They're stealing my money!
Oh, there's something
about a skinny kangaroo.
Well, if you don't want
the rest of your show
to go into the public domain,
you have to modify your IP.
Put an original spin on
your existing characters.
Original, huh?
I'll do what Warner Brothers,
Disney and the Muppets did
when they needed new and original.
♪
Okay, Baby Krusty,
you hit Baby Mel with the pie,
juggle a chainsaw,
a bowling ball and Baby Teeny,
then give me a big Jack
Benny take to camera three.
And action.
[CHIMP HOOTING SOFTLY]
Cut!
You call that comedy?
Do you see me laughing?
Do you see anyone laughing?
- Well, do you?!
- [CRYING]
Why didn't somebody warn me
never to work with babies or animals?
[GROANS]
You're fired.
Plant a blind item in the press
saying he got fresh
with the craft services lady.
You, headphones,
take this no-talent back
to the jungle or wherever it came from.
Don't worry, little fella.
I'll find you the perfect home.
Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?
Someone left a baby chimp in
one of those little book houses.
[WHIMPERING]
[GASPS] He's so cute.
Look at his little tiny finger pads.
- Where'd he come from?
- Who cares?
If he's in here, he's up for grabs.
You and I could actually
have a baby chimp.
We could turn the upstairs
into a monkey playground.
We can grow Tarzan vines for him.
How long do Tarzan vines take to grow?
[BART] I don't know. We'll pay a guy.
We can turn Maggie's stroller
into a monkey mobile.
And put bananas in the cup holder.
This just feels so right.
This is our moment.
Open the door.
I'm opening the door.
- Oh, he nuzzled me!
- He fist-bumped me.
- We've got a monkey.
- We've got a monkey.
[BOTH] We've got a monkey!
Hmm.
[CHITTERS]
And we could replace my bed
with monkey bars.
My mind is sweaty with ideas
for chimp Christmas cards.
Mom, Dad,
the most amazing thing just happened.
We found a tiny chimp in a tiny house.
Isn't that so lucky?
It's the luckiest thing
that ever happened.
A chimpanzo?
Kids, you've got to find
that animal's owner.
We did find its owner us.
He was abandoned, and we rescued him.
We named him Mr. Goodboy
because he's such a good boy.
He is. Such a great name, Lis.
[BOTH] Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy.
Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy.
We can't keep a monkey in the house.
That's got to be the kind of lesson
our family has learned at some point.
Oh, I know.
A pet chimp is the
worst idea in the world.
But look. It's the first time
I've ever seen them
yelling with each other,
not at each other.
- [YOWLING]
- Aw, check it out.
The cat loves Mr. Goodboy.
They could get married.
Just give it time.
This will fall apart before we know it.
One diaper change for Bart,
and he's out.
The first monkey tick that Lisa
finds in her bed, end of story.
So we just sit back,
let the situation implode,
and the kids think it's their fault
we're sending the monkey back to Iceland
or wherever it came from.
Chimp-mate.
The rumors are true:
The sloppy joe is made
from monkey meat.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[HOOTING]
[SCREECHES]
[WHIMPERING]
Mr. Goodboy, are you okay?
[COUGHING]
Stupid kids. You got to pluck
the fur off before you flour it.
Oh, why did I use you as
an expendable prank prop,
like some sort of Milhouse?
From here on out,
I promise I'll do everything I can
to keep you out of danger.
I want to make sure
you're hitting your social
and emotional milestones,
so let's check out
Mom's parenting books.
Ugh. That didn't work.
That couldn't work.
That led to Bart smoking a pipe.
Free Range Parenting.
They never even unwrapped this one.
Let me see. "Give a child space
"to make their own mistakes,
and they'll grow up with less anxiety."
I have so much anxiety,
mainly that I've been raised wrong.
Mr. Goodboy,
I'm going to give you free range
to learn from your own mistakes.
And now you've learned how money tastes.
[CHUCKLES]
Are we sure this bubble
bath is safe for him?
You're such a worrywart all of a sudden.
Look, the label says
it's tested on monkeys.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
Our kids have become responsible.
Oh, we'd better figure out
how to take care of a chimp.
I'll get us a book.
A book? Oh, my eyes get so tired
going right, right, right, then
[SIGHS] left.
How about an audiobook?
My drive time belongs to Moe's podcast.
He commits crimes, then solves them
with the help of the Internet.
Okay, then we'll watch a documentary.
Shark Week, but chimp week?
Fine, a YouTube video.
Yes! Come get me after the ad.
[NARRATOR] Baby chimps
are undeniably cute,
highly intelligent
and bond with humans quite easily.
It's no wonder people
are tempted to adopt them.
- [BELL DINGS]
- Oh, that's the laundry.
You keep watching.
- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
- [NARRATOR] However,
as chimps mature,
they can become violent
- and dangerous.
- [SNARLS]
[WHIMPERS]
Adult chimps have a pull force
ten times stronger than a man's
and huge canines that turn their bite
into a devastating weapon.
- [WHIMPERING]
- Luckily,
chimps only attack when provoked.
[SIGHS]
Except for the chimps
who live with humans.
- [SHRIEKS]
- The mature chimp
perceives his human
caretaker as a threat
and unmasks him by tearing off his face.
- [SHRIEKS]
- Or biting off a man's genitals.
[SUPPRESSED RETCHING]
- [SCREAMS]
- Nothing provokes
a chimp's bloodlust more
than a male human
he perceives as a rival.
[LAUGHS] No.
No, no, no, no, Mr. Goodboy.
That's my wedding ring.
You can't marry me,
because I'm married to Homer,
the biggest,
strongest male in the house.
[HOMER WHIMPERING]
There he is now
the banana winner of the family.
You're a primate,
but he's my prime mate.
- [HOOTING]
- [HOMER WHIMPERING]
[BART] Okay,
this kitchen is officially chimp-proof.
- [CLATTERING, MR. GOODBOY YELPS]
- Oh, no.
Mr. Goodboy.
- [WHIMPERING]
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
- What happened?
- It's okay.
It was just one little
monkey jumping on the bed.
He fell down and bumped his head.
Well, I called the doctor,
and the doctor said,
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed."
He's fine. He jumped
and got a little boo-boo.
It's barely an owie.
This book taught me:
"Don't hover, let them discover."
You should love that.
You're the bad-boy risk-taker.
Yes, and it's a miracle I'm alive.
Just look at my knees.
- Ew!
- Right?
We have to be super careful.
Well, this says kids need to
overcome their own obstacles,
and his biggest obstacle is
your parental smothering!
It's our job to protect him
from cuts and burns
and adult situations.
It's our job to let him fall
so he can learn to get back up!
We can't fight in front
of the little guy.
Everything's perfect.
We're happy family.
[BOTH] We love you, Mr. Goodboy.
[LISA AND BART GRUNTING]
Marge, hypothetically,
if I were to lose either my face
or my snuggle factory,
which would you keep?
- Snuggle factory.
- What?
Well, when we're snuggling, I could try
to imagine another person's face,
for the first time ever.
- Whose face would you imagine?
- Seth Meyers.
Whoa. You sure had that ready to go.
[SIGHS] He just seems like
he never has to shave.
Oh, come on. Who would yours be?
Martha Stewart.
She'd make me a great meal,
then boss me around a little.
♪
♪
[GRUNTING]
[YAWNING]
[SCREAMS]
♪
No! It was a monkey surgeon!
[CHIMPS LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
What in the world are you browsing?
[HOMER] Hockey masks and codpieces.
I've got to protect our
most valuable possessions
from ferocious chimp rage:
my Homer face and my trouser fruit.
That's ridiculous. He's just a baby.
Honey, every
scrotum-shredding chimp starts out
as an adorable baby
until one day they snap.
Just think, if worse comes to worst,
how would I write my name in the snow?
[LISA] You're coddling him!
[BART] You're giving him bad habits!
What's all this fighting?
Stupid Lisa gave Mr. Goodboy a pacifier.
He just grabbed one of Maggie's.
Yeah, and she's a junkie on the pipe.
[MAGGIE WHIMPERING]
The only thing that's traumatizing him
is all this yelling!
Was there ever a time when this worked?
Kids, it sounds like
you're finding parenting
is a lot of responsibility.
It does put a real strain
on relationships.
When's the last time
you two just went out
and saw a movie together?
It's hard to admit, but maybe
we are in over our heads.
You're right.
We need professional help.
[LISA] Definitely.
They're going to therapy?
What if they work things out?
Has it ever worked for us?
How could it work?
You spent the whole last session
picking apart my Airbnb choices.
Read one review before you book!
I beg you!
Great. You have fun with that
while Lisa and I get
some professional advice.
- Nelson?
- Where's Ms. Story?
Like art class, the music program,
and Milhouse on his way to lunch,
she got defunded.
However,
I've had lots of these sessions,
so I decided to switch sides.
What are you struggling with?
We're co-parenting a baby chimp.
I'm trying to expand his horizons,
and Bart is trying to stifle them.
How does that statement
make you feel, Bart?
- Annoyed, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
How does this make you feel?
- [GRUNTS]
- Ow!
Interesting.
Look, you two were raised
in a troubled home.
Can we agree on that?
- Yes.
- It's true.
Plus, it's not natural
for a kid to have two parents.
How about we un-purple
the nurple for a second
and wedgie up this relationship?
What I'm hearing is that both
of you love this monkey so much.
I love that you love Mr. Goodboy.
I love that you love him, too.
Well, I'm afraid that's our time,
because I'm so bored
with your stupid problem.
It's gonna take some work,
but I think we can do this.
It's a process, but in the end,
we're going to be better parents.
Where's Mr. Goodboy?
[BART] Oh, no. He's gone!
♪
[CAMERA CLICKS]
I'm trying to buy a car.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
[HISSES]
[HOOTING]
Ach.
Oh, my God, we lost Mr. Goodboy.
[BOTH] This was your fault!
Mr. Goodboy ran away from school,
and we can't find him!
Me and my stupid free-range parenting.
I should have put
a tracker on his collar.
Wait, wait. I did put a tracker on him.
- Why didn't you tell me that?
- I just remembered.
I'm new to being an annoying
control freak like you.
God, you must be exhausted all the time.
I am.
[LISA] There's Mr. Goodboy.
He's inside some sort of compound.
"Freedom Chimps:
A Libertarian Backyard Safari
and Doomsday Shooting Range."
What the hell is that?
We are fighting for freedom
of wild animals.
And they choose to use that freedom
to take selfies with you.
Come, interact with chimps, lions,
and a dolphin in a bathtub.
And unlike government zoos,
you're free to stick your fingers
in any of our cages.
Stick 'em all the way in.
It's a zoo that exploits
animals for profit!
- So a zoo.
- [GASPS]
Mr. Goodboy's already on their site.
[BART] But how did they chimp-nap him?
We got a call about a wild baby chimp
roaming around this school.
Clark's gonna rescue
him using the latest
in animal recovery technology.
- [GRUNTS]
- [MR. GOODBOY GASPS]
[MR. GOODBOY HOOTING]
We got to get him back!
But I just put a frozen
chicken potpie in the oven.
Microwave it.
Soggy crust?
I'd rather eat it frozen.
Oh, I can't stop thinking
about Mr. Goodboy
in that terrible place.
Every moment he's locked up is like
my stomach's being
noogied from the inside.
Oh, sweeties,
usually, people don't learn this
until they're a parent.
Every time your child suffers,
you feel the pain.
Just like voodoo dolls.
And it's harder for you two.
Unlike normal parents,
you chose to have this kid.
Bart, you were right.
I should have been more
protective of Mr. Goodboy.
That's why we lost him.
No, he ran away because
I was too overbearing.
I wouldn't let him watch Seinfeld.
Jerry eats too much sugar cereal.
We couldn't help it.
We didn't know what we were doing.
Well, the real problem is
we have no model for good parenting.
Well, I guess that last
Mother's Day card was all a lie.
Who are all these people?
- PETA activists?
- [LISA] No.
Competing documentarians.
Out of my way.
I directed the third Fyre Festival doc!
I directed the second Theranos.
Hey, hey, Sam Bankman-Fried
polycule doc coming through.
[SCREECHING AND HOOTING NEARBY]
Oh, that sounds like Mr. Goodboy.
Oh, man. That's a lot of groin grabbers.
Mr. Goodboy.
Don't worry, baby, we'll get you out.
[PANICKED CHATTERING]
Oh, no. That's his "I miss my home" ook.
Mr. Goodboy, here's the key.
Unlock the door.
[GULPS]
Don't worry. That'll come out later,
just like Mom's lip balm did.
[GROANS]
[CHATTERING AND HOOTING]
[SHRIEKS] These aren't babies.
They're three-year-olds.
[BART AND LISA WHIMPERING]
Marge, I need you
to tell me the combination
to my codpiece lock.
It's in my password manager app.
Just give him the damn cod-com code.
It's making me do a captcha.
Is a "don't walk" sign a traffic light?
Yes, foot traffic is traffic!
The code's one-one-one-one.
Hey, monkeys,
chomp on these alpha bits.
[EXCITED HOOTING AND CHATTERING]
Here it is! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
["YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART"
BY PHIL COLLINS PLAYING]
'Cause you'll be in my heart ♪
Yes, you'll be in my heart ♪
From this day on ♪
Now and forevermore ♪
You'll be in my heart ♪
No matter what they say ♪
You'll be here in my heart ♪
Always. ♪
[SONG FADES]
Turns out this place violated
30 different regulations.
That's their reptile house.
Don't worry, all the animals are going
to an actual wildlife sanctuary.
50 acres of perfect chimpanzee habitat.
You may take our monkeys,
but you'll never take
our secret monkeys!
Don't listen to my sister.
There are no secret monkeys.
Or secret tigers.
Or secret tiger-monkey
breeding facility.
Wait. They're brother and sister?
Oh, yeah. They found a circus
bear cub in a trash can
and devoted their whole lives
to obsessing about animals.
Your hippo dung showered another kid.
Oh, sure, when he sprays feces
with his tail, he's my hippo.
[WHIMPERING SOFTLY]
You know, maybe Mr. Goodboy
should go to that sanctuary.
Yes, it's probably what's best for him.
Oh, but I'm sure going to miss him.
Kids, I know it's hard,
but it's a parent's job
to sacrifice anything
to keep their kids happy and safe.
As you've seen today, your father,
as much as he loves his swimsuit area,
he loves you more.
- Aw.
- Aw.
- Ew.
- Ew.
Ooh, you'll be in my heart ♪
You'll be here in my heart ♪
No matter what they ♪
[REPTILES HISSING, CHITTERING]
[WHIRRING]
Come on, stupid machine!
Shh!