The Simpsons s38e04 Episode Script

1
Simpsons Halloween,
Simpsons Halloween ♪
Beloved characters dead and gone ♪
Simpsons Halloween,
blood and guts will make you scream ♪
- [YELPS] - Ay, caramba.
- ♪Halloween episodes ♪
Are not canon. ♪
♪
[EXCLAIMS]
Homie, it's our first
wedding anniversary.
Which means it's been exactly
a year since you promised
to build this shed.
Yeah, but I've been thinking
are we really shed people?
Maybe "box in the living room"
is more our vibe.
Oh. I'll build it myself.
[GRUNTING]
[HOMER] Ah-ah.
- Mm
- Mm?
Ta-da.
- Look what we built.
- "We"?
Uh, oui, oui, madame.
- Where does this go?
- Put it in the shed.
Okay, it's going on the list.
Don't put it on the list.
Put it in the shed.
Can we not argue in front of the list?
Is this what the rest of
my life is going to be?
Could've just asked.
Gonna go put this in the shed.
[GROANS SOFTLY]
Hey, baby, it's gardening time.
Who are you? Where's my husband?
Oh, pumpkin, this is one of
the reasons I married you
your wacky sense of humor.
[HUMMING A TUNE]
Homie? Where are you?
We've been robbed.
They took our stuff and
left other stuff.
[GASPS]
What the heck is happening?
Are some pranksters pulling a gotcha?
I've got to call Homer.
- Aah!
- [LENNY] Hey, sexy mama.
I think it's towel time.
[GRUNTING]
What are you doing?
Chair time isn't till Wednesday.
I'll go put this in the shed.
Hey, sweetheart.
[GASPS]
- Aah!
- I made it all the way here
from the shed, even though
it's slightly uphill. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, how about a foot rub?
- [SQUELCHING]
- [BREATHING SHARPLY]
Wh-What is happening?
I'd love to give you a foot rub,
but can you get my toe
creams from the shed?
Oh, boy.
Gonna be a party tonight
for Wiggy's piggies
and the bunion bunch.
- [SQUELCHING]
- [GRUMBLING]
-
- Thanks for meeting, Tiffany.
According to these pictures
that are now on my phone,
you and I are best friends. Mm.
Mm-hmm. Cake don't lie.
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but every time my husband
goes into our shed,
a new one comes out.
Apparently, now I'm married to
this guy.
Marge, if what you're saying is true,
you got the winning numbers
for the romance lottery.
I did? How?
Listen, most guys
hide who they really are
till they got you locked down.
Oh, sure, on the first date,
they're Idris Elba.
But six months later, you're asking,
"Id-ris really who I settled for?"
This lady knows what I'm talking about.
- Oh, do I ever.
- Oh!
But you get to choose your man
after seeing who he really is.
And if he ain't good in bed,
give him the shed.
If he won't take you to Club Med,
give him the shed.
If his talks ain't Ted
Give him the shed!
[CHEERING]
It's raining men ♪
Hallelujah, it's raining men ♪
Amen ♪
I'm gonna go out,
I'm gonna let myself ♪
Get absolutely ♪
Soaking wet ♪
It's raining men ♪
Hallelujah, it's raining men ♪
Every specimen. ♪
[MAN] Honeybee,
you okay?
You'll ruin that dress,
and it's so flattering on you.
[GASPS] Survivorhost
and laid-back dreamboat Jeff Probst?
Are you my husband now?
Yep. Would I have this tribal tattoo
if I wasn't?
[MARGE] Mm!
Now, why don't we go upstairs
and you can
snuff my torch.
[GIGGLING]
Jeff, remind me again
about our first date.
I just like the way you tell the story.
Well, we went to a tiki bar,
and let's just say you didn't
vote me off the island.
[CHUCKLING] Oh. Oh.
Wha?
- Homie! I thought I lost you.
- Huh? Oh!
Oh, hey, hey, hey, who are you?
How dare you mess with my manicotti.
Homer, hold some things
while I find my pepper spray.
You don't know me?
I'm Marge.
Marge. Marge!
Ooh. I'm sorry.
I thought I knew him.
Sweetheart, it's okay.
Now, let's say we go upstairs and
merge the tribes.
[BOTH MOANING]
[MOANING, CHUCKLING]
[MARGE] Oh, Homer.
- Homer?
- Uh-oh.
Well, there was a contestant named Omar
on season 42.
But I don't think that's what you meant.
Not at all! [CRYING]
After last night,
I thought it best to ask you to
uh, cast your vote
in the shed of destiny.
The bride has spoken.
- Hoo-boy, that's a downgrade.
- [GROANS]
- [SHOTGUN RACKS]
- [MARGE] I'm sorry it's come to this.
Aah! My hot stalker.
Are you crazy?
I am crazy.
Crazy in love with the man
I initially married.
Now, come love me back
or I'll kill you.
[WHIMPERING]
I don't know how this
wackadoodle magic works,
but maybe if we go
into that shed together,
it will get me off this
horrible marriage-go-round.
- So let's go.
- Ow!
[BOTH GASP]
Marge! I went in the shed
and when I came out,
I was married to Helen Lovejoy.
And then Lunch Lady Dora.
Then Crazy Cat Lady.
And then Jeff Probst.
None of that matters.
Somehow, we found our way
back to each other
and the lives we were supposed to have.
Everything is finally perfect.
[BOTH MOANING]
Mommy and Daddy are sinning.
- Yay!
- Yay!
I made an extra special meal tonight,
because I love you all so much.
- Yay!
- Yay! - Yay!
It's beige surprise.
This family needs to get healthy.
Bleah!
Hm. Where do you three rascals
think you're going?
Marge, we had a long, honest talk
about what you said ten seconds ago,
and we decided to get a jump on fitness
by jogging to the dog park.
-
- ♪
[WHIMPERING]
Don't get me wrong,
your mother's a great lady.
But every once in a while,
she whiffs dinner so hard.
What is with you and delicious,
savory meat?
[SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER WHIMPERS]
- Fetch.
- [BARKS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [THUD]
- [SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER WHIMPERS]
- [GASPS]
["ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI" PLAYING EERILY]
Oh. [SOBS] That dog was my best friend.
He pooped in all the best places
and he humped all the funniest things.
And now he's licking
his junk with Jesus.
[GRUNTING]
Whew. The gravediggers
I follow on Instagram
always make their job seem so glamorous.
But you know what?
- [THUNK]
- Uh-oh.
Aah!
[GRUNTING SOFTLY]
God, I killed the dog and the boy.
Got to think of something to tell Marge.
Can't sleep until I think of something.
Oh, I'll never sleep again.
[SNORING]
[GASPS]
Honey, I think
Bart and the dog ran away.
They were saying something
about the terrible food here,
but you shouldn't blame yourself.
[GROWLING]
[GASPS]
Egg whites and cauliflower bacon.
Oh, look at him gobble it down.
And isn't that cute?
The dog thinks he's Bart.
[CHUCKLING]
[GROANS SOFTLY]
[GROWLING]
They're not dead?
But I Meatball.
Blood shovel.
Save me, morning beer.
- [WHIMPERS]
- What's going on, boy?
Don't you want to stick
your head out the window?
[BARKING]
[BARKING, PANTING]
- Hmm.
- [WHIMPERING]
[GROWLING]
♪
Mm
Bart! Bart!
Yes, "bark"
that's the noise you make.
Now go play outside with Bart.
[GROWLING]
A Ouija board?
"T
"H
"E
"Dog and I switched bodies
after being buried in the same grave"?!
Aah!
Is that really you, Bart?
[WHIMPERING]
But then Bart is the dog.
Mom, I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but I think
Bart and Santa's Little Helper
have swapped bodies!
And I think you've swapped
bodies with the silly monster.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, I'm off to the laundromat
just to see if anyone needs help.
Lisa,
if your little theory was true
and it's not
maybe your brother
is happier as DogBart.
And maybe the pooch
is happier as BartDog.
Wait, shouldn't that be
the other way around?
If we're referring to Bart's body
with the dog inside of him,
that should be BartDog.
The dog with Bart inside
should be DogBart.
No. If Bart's inside the dog,
it's BartDog.
Soul first.
Why would you do soul first?
The first word should be what we see.
- DogBart.
- No, BartDog.
That's the only way it makes sense.
Either way, the one I call BartDog
- is chewing up your vodka hat.
- [GASPS]
My HatVodka!
Why, you little [GRUNTING]
[GROWLING]
Aah!
Hey, I just got bit
by this vicious mongrel.
- [CACKLING]
- [GROWLING]
You know what we do with mad dogs?
Put them down.
But that's Bart.
[BARKING]
[WHIMPERING]
Come on, boy. We have to stop him.
♪
[HOWLING]
Whoa!
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do?
["ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI" PLAYING EERILY]
Thanks, boy.
[EXCLAIMS]
- Huh?
- [DOGS BARKING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING, BARKING STOPS]
Only some of that is sauce.
-
- Homie! Dinnertime!
[MEOWS] Woo-hoo!
- [GROWLING]
- [YOWLING]
Should we help Dad?
Eh. At least he's exercising.
[SNORING]
Ugh, this again?
[SPUTTERS, COUGHS]
How could your father
just up and leave us?
At least Kirk Van Houten
had the courtesy
to murder his family first.
Mom, it's been seven years.
And we still don't know
why Dad disappeared.
My bet is he drowned
in a chocolate fountain.
That's impossible.
Those scuba divers dredged
every Hometown Buffet in the state.
Okay. Mom, Bart and I
have to go to driver's ed.
Bye. See you later.
[LARGO] Welcome to driver's ed.
For some of you, it's your third time,
because you parallel park
like Billy Joel on payday.
[SINGSONGY] Bart Simpson!
And now, the four most
beautiful words for any teacher:
let's watch a movie.
[NARRATOR READING]
[NELSON] Spelling sucks.
[NARRATOR] Meet Gladys.
She's running a little late,
so she's doing her makeup
while she drives.
Hmm, that woman looks familiar.
[NARRATOR] Yes, Gladys
is going to end up looking pretty.
Pretty dead.
[HORN HONKS]
Aah!
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
[CHEERING]
Bart, that lady looked just like Dad.
[SCOFFS] No way.
You've been huffing too much sax wax.
[NARRATOR] Now meet Rocco.
Rocco thinks it's perfectly fine
to eat lunch while driving.
Aah! [SCREAMING]
He's almost dead.
And he's still eating.
That is Dad!
But why would our missing father
be killed over and over again
in a driver's ed film?
-
- [GASPS]
[PATTY AND SELMA] Hello, kids.
- Aah!
- Aah
- Aunts!
- Aunts!
Sorry to scare you.
We're just catching up on our lurking.
We think we saw our dad
in a driver's ed video
and we're trying to figure out
how the hell that happened.
[BOTH HUFFING]
Maybe we can help you find
the answers you're looking for.
But first, wouldn't you like
to get your driver's licenses
a little early?
Well, of course. But we really
need to get to the bottom of
[GASPS] Bart, no!
!Ay, caramba!
We're in the driver's ed video.
[HOMER HUMMING A TUNE]
[NARRATOR READING]
[CHUCKLES] I hear that guy all the time.
Usually just before I'm decapitated.
Just once,
I'd like to end a drive capitated.
Dad, I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but Patty and Selma are
actually horrible witches
- Duh.
- who condemned you
to live inside this deadly
instructional video.
You've been trapped for seven years,
getting brutally killed again and again
by your own terrible driving.
But I'm a great driver.
And so cool under pressure.
[HONKS]
Cut me off?
Do your thing, road rage!
No, Dad!
"To escape these trials
and tribulations,
"obey all traffic regulations.
"Follow the rules, each to the letter,
or ye shall be trapped
forever and ever!"
Okay, I'll drive as careful
as when I'm drunk
and trying not to get pulled over.
Who the hell is driving that thing?
Look at the mud flaps.
[ALL EXHALE]
- Just speed up.
- Huh?
If you go exactly the speed limit,
you should be able to make it
to that turnoff ahead.
But you can't go over 55.
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GROWL]
[NARRATOR READING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[CACKLING]
What do I do?
Take your foot off the gas,
don't brake, and steer into the skid.
Which kid? I don't see a kid.
Who should I kill?
[LISA] Not "kid," skid!
Well, I assume
it's smooth sailing from here.
[NARRATOR READING]
[HOMER WHIMPERING]
[GROANS]
[EXCLAIMING]
Wait, Homer can't break the rules.
- But we can.
- [GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[GRUNTING, EXCLAIMING]
Okay, Dad, just one more obstacle.
[CACKLING]
Don't forget to signal.
Aah! No problem.
I'll just use a hand signal.
Aah! My signaling arm!
Oh.
We're gonna make it!
I can't wait to hug your mother again.
Oh.
Complete the final
DMV challenge
or be trapped forever
in driver's ed hell.
Challenge? What challenge?
Parallel parking!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[HOMER] I can't parallel park.
I have no arms where my arms should be.
I can do it.
I guess it's up to you, Bart.
Okay, remember to pull up
about two or three feet away,
check your mirrors, and
Aah!
- No!
- No!
My Homie!
[BOTH MOAN]
So where did you learn
to parallel park like that?
That's parallel parking?
Oh. But what happened
to Patty and Selma?
- No!
- No!
[SHRIEKS]