The Simpsons s38e06 Episode Script

1
Dear AI, what's a good reason for a man
to miss four days of work
while also coming off
as some kind of hero?
Example: getting hit by a cruise ship
while saving a drowning baby.
But not that,
because I've used that twice.
Dad, guess who won first prize
in the statewide essay-grading contest.
Some lonely dweeb?
No, me.
I found the most run-on sentences
in the history of the competition.
I've run out of inside rewards for Lisa,
so I said she could pick
our next family outing.
There's so many good
places to choose from.
The organic farm where
you pick your own cilantro,
- Uh-huh.
- the Jason Procnow
- Miniaturarium,
- Hmm.
- Hamster Hospice
- Yeah.
- Turnstile Factory,
- Hmm
- Mousepad Experience,
- Ooh.
- Museum of Museums
- Hmm, maybe.
- Build-a-Font Workshop,
- Yeah!
- Rice Grain Sculpture Garden
- Okay!
Cork Depository, Typewriter Graveyard,
- the Human Ant Farm
- [WHIMPERS]
Haunted Hanukkah Hayride,
World's Most Accurate Calendar,
Arithmetic Hall of Fame!
What about Krustyland?
Krustyland?
We've been there a million times.
Yeah, and every time was awesome.
Even when Dad broke his hand
punching Ulysses S. Grant
in the Hall of Presidents.
He started it.
We did have fun together.
Back when we were little,
before I turned into me
and you turned into you.
Remember what we called ourselves?
Aw. The Super Explorers.
I'd almost forgotten that.
I didn't.
[BART AND LISA CHEERING]
Super Explorers!
The Regurgitator? Colonic Boom?
Trader Joe's Rockin' Barf-a-coaster?
Oh, all these rides
make me nauseous now.
To help with the nauseousness,
I brought motion sickness pills,
a thermos full of ginger ale
and barf bags.
I already threw up in the car.
Say, why don't you lovable
old-timers take the day off
and let the Super Explorers
go off on our own?
You two can check out the grown-ups'
section of the park,
where they serve alcohol.
- ♪
♪
- [PARROT SQUAWKING]
An alcohol-themed cocktail bar.
Can you imagine?
Okay, kids. You're on your own.
But check in every hour.
- We will!
- Love you!
[BART] The Burj Krustifa.
I've been on this thing dozens of times.
The best part is when all
your organs go into your neck.
I can do this. [WEAK CHUCKLE]
[EXCLAIMING, CLAMORING]
[KRUSTY ON RECORDING] Get off my ride!
- [GROANING]
- [HUMMING A TUNE]
This ride isn't worth the stress.
But there's something else
here I think you'll love.
Are we allowed back here?
Whoa!
- The Kosmic Kruiser Hotel!
- The Kosmic Kruiser Hotel!
We stand before the most expensive,
most embarrassing failure
in theme park history.
What were they thinking?
Thanks for making this year's Krusty-Kon
our best one yet.
It's such a blast hanging out
with adult fans of shows
and toys aimed at children.
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- This is normal!
Never mature.
Now, our CEO of theme parks,
ice shows and collectible
popcorn buckets,
Don Jeffries, is here to make
one more very secret,
extra-special announcement.
- [EXCLAIMING]
- Special announcements!
The elixir of life!
The Krustyland that you know
is about to change forever.
Introducing the most immersive,
revolutionary feat
of Krusti-gineering ever
the Kosmic Kruiser Hotel.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- ♪
♪
Just imagine spending two nights
on board a galactic star cruiser,
role-playing a sci-fi adventure
that's unique to you,
with beloved characters from
the Itchy and Scratchy Universe.
That's great, CEO Don Jeffries.
I know I'm tired of
relaxing on my vacations.
Give me stuff I'm forced to do.
The galaxy is at war.
Will you bring order as a member
of Control And Tyranny?
Or side with the rebels
of Mice Opposed to Unfair Space Empires?
The choice is yours.
Oh, and one more thing
Take us to hyperspace, Timmy.
[EXCLAIMING]
Oh, I think he's going to punch it!
Punch it!
[WHOOSHING]
- [CLAMORING, SCREAMING]
- He punched it!
Hyperspace!
Get those expectations up
sky-high, gang,
because the grand opening
is one year from today.
-
- What's up, Courtney fam?
It's Courtney from "Courtney Takes Off
Her Makeup and Hums."
I am so excited to be
paid to act excited
here at the opening of the
new Kosmic Kruiser Hotel.
Whoo!
Hum
Hey, CEO Don Jeffries.
This place is so immersive.
How did you pull off
this level of immersion?
The key was immersive ability.
How did we do?
Amazing. I feel like I'm here.
Now say hello to the world's
only robotic cruise director,
KIT-10.
Mee-owza!
Can-can I get you a fresh
towel for your room? [LAUGHS]
[GAGGING, RETCHING]
Oh, and one more thing
Punch it!
- [GRUNTS]
- [WHOOSHING]
Can people reserve
their rooms right now?
They sure can. The basic two-night,
all-inclusive
except alcohol and water package
starts at just $5,000.
5,000 bucks for two nights
in a windowless nerd prison?
No one's gonna pay that
-
- The Kosmic Kruiser Hotel has closed its doors
due to legions of wildly
unenthusiastic fans.
Krustyland calls the move "temporary,"
as the attraction is "retooled"
to make it better than ever.
[BROCKMAN] But try telling that
to CEO Don Jeffries,
who leaves with the smallest
corporate severance package
in modern business history:
$110 million.
[CHUCKLES] Good luck, Don.
[CHAIN RATTLING]
[GRUNTS]
How cool would it be to sneak inside?
Right?
I would totally love to go in there.
Oh, I can't believe the gate's locked.
[CHAIN RATTLES]
Aw, crap.
As Super Explorers,
we're obligated to super-explore.
You signed the pledge.
I was two.
I would sign anything when I was two.
I don't remember any Itchy
and Scratchy cartoons
where they fought a space war.
[BART] They built out the lore
from a space-themed word search
on the back of a box of Krusty-O's.
Okay, we saw it. Can we leave?
What are you so scared of?
Oh, I don't know.
Wandering around in a
creepy abandoned hotel.
Have you seen The Shining?
No. Have you?
No, but I'm pretty sure
there's a mean hotel in it.
Just stay for ten minutes,
and we'll have the best recess story
since Nelson kissed the school nurse.
Okay, ten minutes.
You're right. There's nobody here.
[SCARY VOICE] Except for us.
[SCREAMING]
[SCARY VOICE] Unexpected guests.
Let the show begin.
[SCREAMING]
Welcome aboard the Kosmic Kruiser.
Sideshow Mel?
Side-what Whom?
There is no one here by that name.
Just I,
Captain Ragamuffin Tigaro.
I think these are
the actors from the hotel.
Hotel? By the Moons of Purrgamore,
this space traveler is confused.
After teleporting aboard,
many passengers do
experience warp delirium.
Mr. Van Houten?
No, no, no! You shut up!
Uh, I don't use my human name here.
I'm "in character."
That's actor-talk for
"pretending to be not Kirk."
But why? The hotel's closed.
Uh, just temporarily for-for retooling.
The company said we're
gonna reopen real soon.
Don't you see what's going on?
These dweebs spent so much
time rehearsing these roles,
they can't walk away.
Which means we can experience
thousands of dollars worth of cringe
for free!
Private Simpson, sir.
New CAT recruit reporting for duty.
Ah, welcome aboard, soldier.
This is First Officer Puffykins Starclaw
and Lieutenant Commander Chuck Meowski.
Real talk
don't step out of line, new guy,
and you and me'll be Gucci.
His backstory is he's from New York.
Wish I'd thought of that.
And what about you?
What is your home planet
and galactic political affiliation?
Oh, no, no, thank you.
No, I-I'm not participating.
Come on, Lis, you love role-play.
- Uh, no, I don't.
- Really? You seem like the type.
Come on, give it a shot.
Um, okay.
My name is
Loriana Nebula?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah. That's pretty good.
I am the junior senator
from planet Valedictoria.
I have a black belt in laser-jit-su,
despite my noble birth.
Also, I raise hyper-pigs
and I secretly worry
that my evil stepmother,
Queen Calico, plots my demise.
An honor to meet
such a well-thought-out character.
Install the Kosmic Kruiser app
onto their communication devices.
[CHIMES]
Um, the app's still got a few bugs.
Why am I suddenly getting
tons of ads for insurance?
Don't click on those!
♪
- Ow, ow. Oof. Ow.
- [GROANING]
- How did they
- Where am I supposed to put my
You young catlings are lucky.
You get to see the number one
singing star in the galaxy:
Qu'ee-tar.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, no.
♪
I'm a space sensation ♪
Galactic phenomenon ♪
Music is the mission ♪
Destination: fascination ♪
Just what is this instrument? ♪
Very futuristic. ♪
I like how future music sounds
like terrible today music.
Do you have anything to eat
other than Hyperdrive Pretzels?
Not at all!
But we do have plenty of
trans-dimensional cheese dip
for the pretzels.
Isn't cheese more of a mouse food?
How could you possibly know that?
Unless you were a mouse sympathizer.
I admit everything!
My character is secretly
in league with the mice!
That's my storyline.
Damn, I'm good at this.
Take this rebel to the brig.
You won't be quite so brave
after a few light-years in prison!
Don't worry, there is no prison.
I am only acting.
Don't make trouble, spy! Still acting.
For real! For pretend.
Okay, dropping character.
My parents want Bart and me
to check in every hour,
but my phone isn't working.
No, that's our app
it screws up texting.
And calling.
And it writes swear words
on your vacation photos.
I hope they're not worried about us.
♪
[BIRDS] We all love
to dance and sing ♪
We kick our feet and
we flap our wings ♪
We jump and spin
with such delight ♪
Watch our eyes
move left and right. ♪
Here's to a day with no rides.
Aren't we not supposed to drink alcohol
after taking motion sickness medicine?
- I think I heard that, yes.
- Yeah.
Looking for Mouse rebels?
Uh, no, I'm looking for
Toilet paper?
Oh, we've been out for months.
Actually, isn't there supposed to be
a wisecracking robot
cruise director onboard?
You mean KIT-10.
He's either running a trivia contest
in the Litter Box Lounge
or he's stuck in the day spa's
revolving door again.
The spa, of course.
I'm gonna go look for him.
Don't forget your primary mission
finding hidden QR stickers
and scanning them for promo codes.
Dust Bart away.
Greetings, fellow passenger.
What galaxy are you from?
- Uh, Oklahoma State.
- Yeah, uh, these guys
aren't part of the Kosmic
Kruiser immersive experience.
They they work in the park.
We're college students who
got summer jobs at Krustyland.
The pay is so garbage
we can't afford rent.
We're forced to squat
in this abandoned hotel.
Retooling hotel.
Can't your parents come get you?
They told our parents we're dead!
- [CLAMORING]
- Save us.
Help us.
[LISA SCREAMING]
Where the hell are you KIT-10? [GROANS]
[PANTING] I want to leave.
This place is creeping me out.
We can't leave. Not yet.
Please? This was supposed
to be my special day.
I hear you. You've been heard.
Now shut up and help me
search the kitchen.
What are you looking for?
Why can't we just leave?
It occurred to me, just now, that KIT-10
is somewhere in this hotel,
and if we found it,
a one-of-a-kind collectible like that
could be worth a lot of money.
KIT-10? That stupid robot?
Even if you find it,
they're not gonna let you
just carry it out of here. Think.
I did think.
I brought my pillow case
to smuggle him out.
See?
Oops.
You never wanted to come to Krustyland
to spend time with me.
You just wanted to sneak in here
and steal that dumb valuable robot.
No, I didn't. How could I have known
the hotel gate would be unlocked?
[CLANK]
Bolt cutters! You cut that padlock.
All that stuff you said about
missing being a Super Explorer with me
was all just a big, fat lie.
You ruined the one good
memory I have with you.
I will never, ever
believe you care about me again.
Our ship is under attack.
The hull has been breached.
Space is pouring in.
Not now, Mel!
Space battles wait for no man.
The next one won't happen until
exactly this time tomorrow.
Prepare the ship for hyperspace.
I'm not playing anymore.
This stupid hotel is the fakest,
worst pretend "immersion"
I've ever seen.
No one could ever convince themselves
this is real.
Punch it!
♪
- [RUMBLING]
- [GASPS]
- Huh?
- Ooh.
[GRUNTS]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
♪
This is a hotel, not a spaceship.
- How is it blasting off?
- [SIDESHOW MEL WHIMPERING]
- It's not possible. No way.
- [GRUNTS]
Yes way. Yes way to the stars.
Dropping character
we're all going to die!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Okay, you win, I'm immersed.
How is this spaceship
hotel actually flying?
It's not a real spaceship.
- I'm gonna text Mom and Dad.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Hey, that's a great price
on bundling my home and auto.
- Don't click on that.
- Don't click on that.
Oh, the kids haven't checked in all day.
Something's wrong.
Think. What's the worst place
they could possibly be?
[GASPS] They're at the gift shop
with one of our credit cards.
Of course. Let's go.
♪
[CLAMORING, PANICKED CHATTER]
We're flying over here.
Fellow thespians, don't panic.
Remember,
the hotel was closed for retooling.
This super-realistic
flying special effect
must be the retooling.
[ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING]
[CHANTING] Working actors!
Working actors!
[HISSING]
You fools. You wonderful fools.
We are flying to our doom.
Disgraced former Krusty Co.
CEO Don Jeffries!
That's right, children.
And now I haunt the hallways of this,
my greatest failure.
[BANGING]
How in the hell is this hotel
really flying?
Think about it.
When a corporation
makes a giant mistake,
what is their only
reasonable course of action?
Refund customers' money
- to slowly regain their trust?
- No way!
Destroy the evidence and pretend
the whole thing never happened.
Which is why Krusty is doing
exactly what I would
have done in his place:
airlift this hotel by helicopter
and drop it in the ocean.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
But our deaths won't be in vain,
because as we plunge
to the ocean floor, this sad failure
will transform
through the magic of accounting
into the greatest tax
write-off in corporate history.
[CACKLING]
So, we're not retooling?
Oh, not at all. We're drowning.
We have to find a way
to signal to the helicopters
that there are people in here.
She's right. We need to generate ideas.
And what's the most powerful
tool in our acting toolbox?
[ALL] Improv!
Ensemble,
form a fantastical thinking machine!
[ALL MIMICKING MECHANICAL NOISES]
It's working!
Okay.
We need to find a way up to the roof.
[KIT-10] I-I-I can direct you
to that location.
- KIT-10!
- KIT-10!
M-Meow-za!
[WIND HOWLING]
Okay, KIT-10.
Climb that ladder to the roof,
and use your birthday
party confetti cannon
to signal the helicopters.
I will do so.
We can stay in contact
through the Kosmic Kruiser app,
which I recently downloaded to my CPU.
Hey, that's a great rate
on bundling home and auto.
- Don't click on that!
- Don't click on that!
- [ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
- KIT-10! No!
[KIT-10] Goodbye! [LAUGHS]
- [SPLASHING]
- Oh, meow-za, old friend.
Okay, Bart, it's up to you.
[BART] I can't.
I'm scared of heights.
What? You said you've been
on the Burj Krustifa ride
a dozen times.
Nope, not once. I lied.
I love lying.
It's more thrilling than any ride.
Well, can't fix that problem right now.
What problem?
Look, I think I can do it.
If you'll do it with me.
I can't. I can't. I'm too scared.
Super Explorers, brave and smart ♪
Super Explorers, Lisa and Bart ♪
We're not afraid of scary stuff ♪
Scary stuff's afraid of us. ♪
That was our song.
You remembered.
[BOTH] Super Explorers,
brave and smart ♪
Super Explorers, Lisa and Bart. ♪
- Help!
- Help!
- Help us! Help!
- Help us! Down here!
Hey, there's children down there.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
I guess we got to turn all
these helicopters around
and never get that giant tax write-off.
Or
There's no "or," sir.
Yeah, you're right.
But you know,
kids are naturally very buoyant.
I read that they
Yeah, you're right.
[KRUSTY] My write-off!
My beautiful, beautiful
write-off! [SOBS]
We're not afraid of scary stuff ♪
Scary stuff's afraid of us. ♪
So, did you two
have fun on your own today?
I tells ya, the day just flew by.
Indeed.
It was very uplifting.
[LAUGHING]
Why are they laughing?
What was funny about that?
Who cares? Now,
what section did we park our car in?
Mr. Teeny Five.
Okay, Mr. Teeny Three.
Mr. Teeny Four.
- Giant sideways building.
- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
Oh, man. I parked under the hotel.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Initiate emotion ♪
Fire the desire ray ♪
Temptation constellations ♪
Love is a tractor beam ♪
Supernova fantasy ♪
Fall into my gravity ♪
Dancing in the party sector ♪
Moving to the quantum rhythm ♪
Space is where we work it more ♪
A trillion species
on the dance floor ♪
Everyone looks sort of human ♪
Wearing face paint
and prosthetics ♪
Tentacles and forehead ridges ♪
Blue and green and
pink and purple ♪
Space, space, space, space. ♪
Shh!