Have I Got a Bit More News for You (2007) s45e04 Episode Script
Ray Winstone, Reginald D. Hunter, Camilla Long
Hello.
I'm the token blonde.
My name is Reginald, king of the blacks.
And I'm Ray Winstone, and I'm the king of the blacks.
Looking like a former hit man that's lecturing over at Oxford now.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Ray Winstone.
In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage, the crew of a fishing trawler discover the television is stuck on ITV2.
Kim Jong Un LAUGHTER It's easy for you to say.
.
.
informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike will be delivered by their lightning-fast, high-tech communication methods.
And in Tokyo, after three days, representatives from the Guinness Book of Records stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.
On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year - an award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine, Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.
Please welcome Camilla Long.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that television mainly serves the talentless.
Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE We start with the bigger stories of the week.
Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
That's the White Heather Club.
Dancing, socks.
Osborne.
No idea what that is.
Tiny Tears, that's what it is.
Oh, more Scottish dancing.
More dancing.
You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you? Yes.
Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.
If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them, "Well, you can't have the pound.
" And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland his title isn't clear yet, it may be King.
Last year he was really keen on having the euro but then something happened.
Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative currency that none of us have ever heard of? Yes.
The Mars Bar.
Yes.
So what do the Scots want? Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
Hold on a minute.
They want independence as a nation If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers? They've given a wish list of what they want.
They want the Queen.
They want the pound.
They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.
It sounds like a pre-nup, doesn't it? But it's meant to be a divorce! I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise, like a long marriage about 300 years.
No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.
And who's won? Well, it's usually the bird, innit? < Yes.
All right.
Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it? It's basically saying it's a bit of a threat.
It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right.
" So if Scotland becomes a separate country, he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.
But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths - their chief exports being oil, whisky, tartan, and tramps.
Sometimes combined in one glorious package.
One for the audience - should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should we just tell them to bugger off? Hands up who says bugger off.
Oh, no! What did Scotland do well at this week? LAUGHTER Was it dancing? They did well at tweed, I think, this week.
It's all over you! A survey to find the happiest place in Britain revealed that top of the list was the Orkneys and Shetland.
Oh, so they're happy.
That's what the survey said, whatever you think.
Ian, have you ever been grabbed by the Orkneys? I'm just imagining it.
It's a threat, isn't it? So what's the latest economic news, then? We nearly went into recession, but we didn't.
So George Osborne says, "That's fine.
We've got enormous growth of about 0.
3%.
" It's bang on, yeah.
Which is four-fifths of BLEEP all.
APPLAUSE That's exactly right.
What have we narrowly escaped? Is it a Martian death ray? A triple-dip recession.
Right.
Right? So what's so bad about that? If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two, rather than three.
Right.
Guacamole, hummus, no.
Don't do the third.
No-one likes it.
On learning that we avoided a triple dip, Sky News went straight to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.
We're still apparently and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it? It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
So it's not really our problem, is it? Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians want to come here and live.
But do you know why? To meet Nigel Farage? Have a look.
Mainly because of Top Gear, I'm not sure, because it's, you know, it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.
But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.
Farage went to Bulgaria, Cameron's followed him to see how people would respond to him and almost every Bulgarian said "Do you want to come to England?" They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to.
" REGINALD: That was a very impressive facsimile you did of Bulgarians.
Yes, I've been practising.
As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment.
I meant it.
So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money? Opening.
Closing.
Yeah.
Treat them? I don't know.
That's the question, I need the answer, don't I? This is where it gets quite scary.
Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.
Don't you read the paper? Uh, yes.
I write bits of it.
Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill, and putting them into hotels.
Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.
Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.
This has been tried in several foreign countries and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe Well, I'm ready when she is.
Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely? Nurses.
No.
They do, you know.
Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know? Plastic surgery.
Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.
Thanks, "babe".
You sexy old Father Time.
APPLAUSE I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.
Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.
Well, according to the NHS, Medical Director Sir Bruce Keogh Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks? What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at? "Been"? Been hinting at? LAUGHTER What have they been hinting at? Don't know.
So posh.
You're wearing a suit.
I can afford it.
APPLAUSE That's cos you don't pay any tax.
AUDIENCE OOHS That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.
Plea bargaining.
Give us a clue.
No.
I am now sulking.
CAMILLA: Why? No, I'm going to tell you.
They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up public spending if they get elected.
Ah, right.
Ed Balls refused to comment on the spending plans, saying: Up shit creek.
Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending is a big gamble, so what are they waiting for? Bet in playNOW.
What is the betting thing? Have you done something with betting, Ray? You haven't seen them? No.
It's in the middle of football matches.
Yes, no.
Uggh! Now, to put the tin hat on everything, what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast? Is that another Cockney saying? "What has the weather done to me breakfast?" I'm going to take that back to Georgia and shock the hell out of them.
This is about Weetabix, Ray.
There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather, there hasn't been enough wheat, there isn't enough Weetabix, so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.
Yeah.
It's only going to posh people.
Congratulations, Ian.
I had six.
What a bastard.
What have the cereal manufacturers HapiFoods called their latest cereal? Miserable.
Nah.
Well, here's the ad for it.
Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.
In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal as a healthy breakfast alternative.
At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"? When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you? REGINALD: I think much later.
APPLAUSE This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland would be able to use the pound as its currency.
Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a .
.
which sounds good but the way the economy's going, I think we'll be calling it Poundland.
Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank who said that, following the much-better-than-expected A moment's fine but a lifetime's taking the piss.
APPLAUSE Paul and Reg.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, about time, eh? Yeah, absolutely.
Take a look at this.
Right-o.
Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.
Empty street, nothing happening.
A house.
Sleepy neighbourhood.
Sleepyman on bike.
Yeah, it's a big high point of the day.
Er, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.
Yeah, Britain before immigration.
Aw, things was lovely.
You're the only person here that can say that, you know.
Anybody here can say it, they just have to be willing to deal with the consequences.
Yes.
Judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't happening, and the policeman at the end is probably the clue, is it about falling crime rates? Ah, you are good, Paul.
You're much better than him.
Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.
According to the UK Peace Index, well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.
That's pretty good.
The number of police officers dropped by 6%.
Do you think there's a link? Well, there might be.
But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.
Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.
Back home, my cousin, he got robbed by a man with a bulletcos he didn't have a gun.
He was like going .
.
"Don't make me throw this at you.
" Everybody's feeling the pinch, you know.
Everybody gotta cut back.
Well, yeah Did the man throw the bullet in the end or was it a bluff? It was a bluff.
As it turned out, he had no training in throwing bullets and killing people.
According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain? It's Norfolk.
It's Norfolk.
Yeah.
And funny enough, it'sit'ser, Brawland.
Where? Broeh, BrooklynBroland.
How do you say that? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.
Broadland, ah! Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right? Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper .
.
and here's the shocking scene At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle up to a height of six inches.
LAUGHTER Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime? Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage or somewhere where he lives Sussex.
Sussex.
.
.
and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms and not very friendly terms, I think.
Is he also worried because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head? LAUGHTER He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour and stand there for half an hour.
He's too proud to admit it.
The inner city school in Stockwell, London, plans to open its own boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex and send 600 of its pupils there.
John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday Clearly unsure whether the hole he'd dug himself into was deep enough, he added: John Cherry is no longer a member of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor and a prat.
APPLAUSE A quick spot-the-difference question for you all.
What is the difference between this, and this? That is the more modern, more scenic entrance into Scotland Yard.
The other picture is the uglier, old Britain, pre-Thatcher entrance, and people don't care about it as much because it ain't as shiny and nice.
No.
I'm not used to subtext, but I do feel dismissed.
You know what the difference is? Tell me what the difference is.
Which was the cost of moving the Scotland Yard sign 15 yards.
Finally, shall we see how commuters on the tube are relaxing, now that they don't have to be worried about violent crime? Yeah.
They're holding folded newspapers up to make fellow travellers look like personalities.
Let's see some of their efforts.
There's Kate Middleton.
The Queen.
And Jimmy Carr.
On second thoughts, that might actually be Jimmy Carr, trying to claim back tax on some women's clothing.
That's a dangerous joke, isn't it? Not for me, no.
This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen throughout the UK.
Sexual crime has also fallen, although that's largely due to Top Of The Pops being cancelled.
Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.
Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper mocked the Government's failing, saying Something everyone would like to see, except perhaps the other passengers.
Also this week, conman Jimmy McCormick faces jail, having amassed a ã60 million fortune selling golf ball finders as bomb detectors.
Mr McCormick told buyers that his device could detect: In other words, everything except bullshit.
And they've been using them in Iraq.
Yes.
And they didn't check.
They went out and found loads of golf balls, and they were like Right, round two's coming up.
How's that going to pan out? The latest odds are on your screen now.
You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you? This next round is the strengthometer of news.
Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.
They want to send a married couple to Mars.
Not necessarily a married couple.
Two randoms.
What's randoms? Two random people.
Two random people? That'd be exciting, wouldn't it? Yeah.
REGINALD: Yeah, that'd be all right.
We should put the UN up there.
"You do not get to come back to Earth "till you come back with a resolution, "one that the United States agrees to, as well.
" This is Mars One, a Dutch TV company's plan to put reality TV contestants on a one-way trip to Mars.
What are they going to do up there for the rest of their lives? Coming up with a reality TV show where two people from Mars are flown back to Earth.
I don't know.
What are they going to do up there? They're not going to do anything.
They're just going to die.
They are going to die.
They're going to establish a colony.
According to the Sun, contestants will live in: "Day 26.
Benny's muscles have wasted away.
" That was my attempt at a Geordie accent.
I thought you were doing Birmingham.
I was, but I can't do the Geordie one.
You didn't go up far enough.
It's a difficult one.
Can you do a Geordie accent? It's all vowel sounds, isn't it? GEORDIE ACCENT: "Mickey Mouse and Pluto," it's easy.
GEORDIE ACCENT: "We've moved to day four of the show.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's like being with Ant and Dec! I'm just Ant and Dec? .
.
thrilled! I might look crazy, but I listen to white people a lot.
How much money is needed to send people on a one-way trip to Mars? ã56 million.
More than that? Well, it's: A return trip would cost: Though Southeastern Trains said they'll do the return for only one pound more than the single.
It's going to be like Total Recall, when they give them a pill and they pretend to go somewhere.
I like your imagination, fantastic.
No, it'swell, it's not what happened, it's a film.
Ray, do you know anything about films? If you'd seen any of my films, you'd know, no.
have already applied to go on the one-way trip to Mars.
Theresa May has already applied on behalf of Abu Qatada.
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
Here's the next one.
BUZZER Oh, yes, this isa rather unfortunate graphic that has turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse.
These are people who are in a relationship with each other, but they both love his ass, but they don't think the other person knows it.
This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities - and her name is? Carine Patry Hoskins.
Thank you.
Who was acting for the inquiry - she was assisting Lord Leveson.
Andthe feeling is that there was a sort of perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is is in a relationship with the other.
But they rather confused things by saying they weren't in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini together, secretly, to discuss whether they should have a relationship! Were they drawn to each other because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies? Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson, and just have him Lord Leveson, a lot of people don't know it, but in his spare time, he's a villain, sort of a puppet master, and he goes by the name Asshead.
He goes by the name of Arsehead? Yeah, Asshead.
Oh, Asshead.
Anyway, Asshead is controlling their mind when they snap two together and realise, "Oh, my God! "We're sitting here sipping champagne, "and we shouldn't be doing this.
Why are we doing this?" And he's like "Ha! My powers are unstoppable.
" She became very famous during the Leveson trial, known as "the woman on the left", because she sat on the left.
She sort of facially fell in love with Hugh Grant, didn't she, because she wouldn't stop staring at him? Look of love.
It was.
How do they know the difference between a look of love and a lawyer listening to somebody give evidence? The look of love is easy to detect.
The look of love looks something like That's more than love.
I hope there's dinner as well.
Yeah.
The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex? I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.
Have you been? I've beenalone.
Would you like to talk us through it? No.
Actually, it's a Greek island, it's shagadelic, you know.
You wouldn't ever go there for a meeting.
That's such an imperial attitude.
A lot of people seem to feel, if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have, they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.
British people do that a lot.
It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex, "so I'm going to go to Thailand," or "I've got an erection, get me to the airport.
" Yeah.
So Oh, yeah.
I forgot you were here.
You was doing so well.
There's nothing on there, Steve.
What? The Autocue's not on.
Just go to the last question on the cards, Ray, > then we'll just cut out this.
> Sounds like he's losing his patience with you.
What cards? Right there? STEVE: Last one.
"Meanwhile"? Meanwhile.
OK.
Next time he takes that tone, slap that man! OK.
This is the controversy over the relationship between two barristers involved in the Leveson Inquiry.
The two lawyers involved were the junior counsel for Leveson and the barrister who acted for Hugh Grant.
Well, somebody's got to.
Fingers on the buzzers, team.
There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses but it can only stick with one pattern.
And it's made It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.
Yeah, what do you think about that? I know what I think about it and I said it! I think it's a better answer.
Oh, OK.
This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone wore matching clothes for 35 years.
Here they are on holiday.
AUDIENCE GROANS Is that Santorini? Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.
He used to wear other clothes.
He invented something.
He invented something, did he? Not Post-it notes or anything like that? No, it's something you might see round a lake or something like that.
An ocean gnome? CAMILLA: Is the answer to any given question.
You know, like, a garden gnome? Yeah, I know a garden gnome.
Well, people who have a beachfront property or a lakefront property, they have what they call an ocean gnome, where instead of being green, or black, this one here is just blue, fat and happy.
So I thought maybe he invented the ocean gnome.
A lot of people don't know about the ocean gnome.
No.
Even less now than when you started.
The biggest ocean gnome of all is the Statue of Liberty.
Hey.
Just put there, next to the ocean.
Hey.
He's taking you seriously.
You're talking about America now.
You see them in Africa.
A flamingo! He invented flamingos? Here are the couple with the ornaments.
Ah.
He looks like he's been run over.
He's got a tyre mark right across his Yeah.
I have a feeling that this is her idea.
Right, fingers on the buzzers, teams.
BELL This is our special subject.
Right.
JLS have stopped having their sofa sale.
This is the news, the awful front page of the Sun news, that JLS are dead.
Don't worry, they're not actually dead.
They've just announced that they'll be splitting up.
Hooray! After a huge arena tour and a farewell album.
Boo! What do they sing, Ray? I have no idea.
I like The Jam and all that stuff.
Clash.
Punk.
Are they a punk band? No, punk is more your thing.
I'm kind of rock 'n' roll and all that.
No, I just wanted to say "punk" to you.
It sounds like a soccer league, JLS.
What does it stand for, JLS? I have no idea, Paul.
Jamaican League Soccer.
According to Marvin, he's one of the band: It's a bit of a stupid name to choose, then, isn't it? According to the Telegraph last year: Hold up.
I think you'll find all the members of Busted are stacking shelves at B&Q.
In other pop news, German quarantine laws have forced Justin Bieber to leave his pet monkey behind.
I know how painful it is to lose a monkey.
I bet on Barcelona to beat Bayern Munich.
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Paul and Reg, your four are Luis Suarez, the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson, and Peach the Alsatian.
Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.
Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC - he once bit somebody else on the arm, I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.
I don't know about the policeman, or the dog, but I'd guess the dog's odd one out because it doesn't bite any people, it's got no teeth.
No.
I give up, then.
They've all bitten someone apart from the West Midlands police officer Who was bitten.
Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.
Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time? It turned out this week that a lot of policemen are suing their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.
Yes.
This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.
Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an ã8,000 payout.
What other payments have been revealed? I've missed it.
There was a payout for ã600 to an employee: They were just so astonished to hear about the shocking flea attack.
So, Luis Suarez.
Yeah.
Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage - here's an artist's representation.
I mean, what was the general reaction? Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.
I put 100 monkeys So the general reaction, then, was anger and disgust.
Suarez said sorry, but received a ten-match ban.
Those busy little bees on Twitter took to Photoshopping him in various hilarious ways.
Here's one .
.
and another Peach the Alsatian.
Yes.
Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime from a PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact, the name of the police dog.
Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service complained about It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead - "I never touched him.
" Ian and Camilla, here are yours.
Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox, the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.
The new Dutch king had a song written for his coronation.
Yeah.
A special song, and decided he hated it.
The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.
Yes.
Swore like a porn star all the way through.
Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable because he's been placed directly above a fire? We're All Going On A Summer Barbecue? Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs and putting them in a fire? And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.
That's exactly right.
But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.
So, who's the odd one out, then? Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday .
.
and we're not.
Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain but it's about people moaning You know, Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he? But they have all caused LAUGHTER But they have all caused an audience to complain, apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.
Have you got any evidence for that? Yes, there are people who heard Bachelor Boy in 1961 who are no longer with us.
According to Gardeners' Question Time, a study conducted on the effect of music on plants revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music .
.
whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.
All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.
A Norwegian log fire.
This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.
According to the Daily Mail, it was watched by a fifth of the population.
That's about how many people would be stoned, isn't it? The programme, you know, it divided the nation.
An expert said One viewer commented: The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands, was withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.
Let's have a look.
MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank THEY SING IN DUTCH LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE As long as they're both willing participants.
Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.
APPLAUSE According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is .
.
known as crap.
I think I'd rather like that.
What? Zadok the BLEEP.
I think that would be really good.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You'll never guess what I just imagined.
I imagined that was empty.
That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.
You've never said BLEEP before.
Well, that's guaranteed that to be in, otherwise you wouldn't explain this to anybody.
Oh, dear.
The Missing Word round is coming up.
Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.
Who's going to be the daddy? The latest odds are on your screen now.
Have a bang on that.
This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.
To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.
And we start with Is helpful if you're married to a much older woman.
This is the part of the guide to making your own teddy bear.
Once you've trimmed the fur on the face: Well, that's what they did to Nick the Bubble, anyway.
I didn't understand a word of that.
You haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, have you? No.
Welcome to the real world.
Next, what is the meaningless and fake? Hold it, hold it, hold it.
It's a trick of the Is it punctuation? Yes, it was, sorry.
No, this one gave me the right hump, I've got to be honest with you.
Camels? No.
For me, there's nothing better than celebrating St George's Day in proper English style, with a few pints of Kronenbourg, followed by a nice ruby.
Next: CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man who said the rude word presenting the news? This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.
Let's see how he got on.
You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.
Your news leader in high definition.
OK, BLEEP, shit.
Good evening.
I'm Van Tieu.
LAUGHTER .
.
AJ on NBC North Dakota News and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.
Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.
Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.
I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um, you know, from being from the East Coast.
OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.
She seems to already know that his ass is gone.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I think if he'd been really clever after he'd sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now, "Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.
"Reactions coming in in a moment.
" That's what I would have done.
But I think newsreaders should.
It would be more interesting if they swore.
Like, "This bullshit just in.
" Do you know what, though? To be fair, this autocue business is actually harder than it looks - insert joke here, grin to camera, wait for the applause.
Next There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch.
It's not her, is it? I can't believe you got it that quick.
She's had her face done.
I sat next to her here.
I had no idea.
That you were sitting next to her? I didn't know she was I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.
One law for the rich and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.
And finally Is it the name of a bear? Must be.
No.
It's something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and Warm.
Cosy.
Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.
Where does a boat sail? A harbour.
Sea.
Yeah, sea.
Yeah, yeah.
Dry.
Will keep you Where would you like to be when you are at sea? Keep you On a I'm on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
The waves are coming in, look.
APPLAUSE I can't believe I did that again.
APPLAUSE Three times.
Is that the answer? No.
Oh.
Will keep you warm at sea.
This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory, who has created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when the sea breezes get a bit chilly.
The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well but he has just taken them off and he's waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.
REGINALD: Ah! The teddy bear's a ho.
The final scores are Paul and Reginald, six, Ian and Camilla HE CHUCKLES .
.
eight.
APPLAUSE There's time for the caption competition.
Ian and Camilla have this.
They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No.
No.
Not me.
" Paul and Reg get that.
Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.
REGINALD: When he opened his eyes, he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Camilla Long, Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen to try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.
In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage is beginning to have an effect.
And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.
Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.
Blinding geezer.
Good night.
I'm the token blonde.
My name is Reginald, king of the blacks.
And I'm Ray Winstone, and I'm the king of the blacks.
Looking like a former hit man that's lecturing over at Oxford now.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Ray Winstone.
In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage, the crew of a fishing trawler discover the television is stuck on ITV2.
Kim Jong Un LAUGHTER It's easy for you to say.
.
.
informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike will be delivered by their lightning-fast, high-tech communication methods.
And in Tokyo, after three days, representatives from the Guinness Book of Records stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.
On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year - an award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine, Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.
Please welcome Camilla Long.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that television mainly serves the talentless.
Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.
APPLAUSE We start with the bigger stories of the week.
Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
That's the White Heather Club.
Dancing, socks.
Osborne.
No idea what that is.
Tiny Tears, that's what it is.
Oh, more Scottish dancing.
More dancing.
You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you? Yes.
Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.
If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them, "Well, you can't have the pound.
" And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland his title isn't clear yet, it may be King.
Last year he was really keen on having the euro but then something happened.
Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative currency that none of us have ever heard of? Yes.
The Mars Bar.
Yes.
So what do the Scots want? Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
Hold on a minute.
They want independence as a nation If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers? They've given a wish list of what they want.
They want the Queen.
They want the pound.
They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.
It sounds like a pre-nup, doesn't it? But it's meant to be a divorce! I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise, like a long marriage about 300 years.
No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.
And who's won? Well, it's usually the bird, innit? < Yes.
All right.
Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it? It's basically saying it's a bit of a threat.
It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right.
" So if Scotland becomes a separate country, he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.
But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths - their chief exports being oil, whisky, tartan, and tramps.
Sometimes combined in one glorious package.
One for the audience - should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should we just tell them to bugger off? Hands up who says bugger off.
Oh, no! What did Scotland do well at this week? LAUGHTER Was it dancing? They did well at tweed, I think, this week.
It's all over you! A survey to find the happiest place in Britain revealed that top of the list was the Orkneys and Shetland.
Oh, so they're happy.
That's what the survey said, whatever you think.
Ian, have you ever been grabbed by the Orkneys? I'm just imagining it.
It's a threat, isn't it? So what's the latest economic news, then? We nearly went into recession, but we didn't.
So George Osborne says, "That's fine.
We've got enormous growth of about 0.
3%.
" It's bang on, yeah.
Which is four-fifths of BLEEP all.
APPLAUSE That's exactly right.
What have we narrowly escaped? Is it a Martian death ray? A triple-dip recession.
Right.
Right? So what's so bad about that? If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two, rather than three.
Right.
Guacamole, hummus, no.
Don't do the third.
No-one likes it.
On learning that we avoided a triple dip, Sky News went straight to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.
We're still apparently and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it? It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
So it's not really our problem, is it? Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians want to come here and live.
But do you know why? To meet Nigel Farage? Have a look.
Mainly because of Top Gear, I'm not sure, because it's, you know, it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.
But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.
Farage went to Bulgaria, Cameron's followed him to see how people would respond to him and almost every Bulgarian said "Do you want to come to England?" They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to.
" REGINALD: That was a very impressive facsimile you did of Bulgarians.
Yes, I've been practising.
As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment.
I meant it.
So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money? Opening.
Closing.
Yeah.
Treat them? I don't know.
That's the question, I need the answer, don't I? This is where it gets quite scary.
Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.
Don't you read the paper? Uh, yes.
I write bits of it.
Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill, and putting them into hotels.
Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.
Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.
This has been tried in several foreign countries and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe Well, I'm ready when she is.
Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely? Nurses.
No.
They do, you know.
Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know? Plastic surgery.
Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.
Thanks, "babe".
You sexy old Father Time.
APPLAUSE I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.
Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.
Well, according to the NHS, Medical Director Sir Bruce Keogh Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks? What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at? "Been"? Been hinting at? LAUGHTER What have they been hinting at? Don't know.
So posh.
You're wearing a suit.
I can afford it.
APPLAUSE That's cos you don't pay any tax.
AUDIENCE OOHS That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.
Plea bargaining.
Give us a clue.
No.
I am now sulking.
CAMILLA: Why? No, I'm going to tell you.
They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up public spending if they get elected.
Ah, right.
Ed Balls refused to comment on the spending plans, saying: Up shit creek.
Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending is a big gamble, so what are they waiting for? Bet in playNOW.
What is the betting thing? Have you done something with betting, Ray? You haven't seen them? No.
It's in the middle of football matches.
Yes, no.
Uggh! Now, to put the tin hat on everything, what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast? Is that another Cockney saying? "What has the weather done to me breakfast?" I'm going to take that back to Georgia and shock the hell out of them.
This is about Weetabix, Ray.
There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather, there hasn't been enough wheat, there isn't enough Weetabix, so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.
Yeah.
It's only going to posh people.
Congratulations, Ian.
I had six.
What a bastard.
What have the cereal manufacturers HapiFoods called their latest cereal? Miserable.
Nah.
Well, here's the ad for it.
Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.
In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal as a healthy breakfast alternative.
At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"? When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you? REGINALD: I think much later.
APPLAUSE This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland would be able to use the pound as its currency.
Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a .
.
which sounds good but the way the economy's going, I think we'll be calling it Poundland.
Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank who said that, following the much-better-than-expected A moment's fine but a lifetime's taking the piss.
APPLAUSE Paul and Reg.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, about time, eh? Yeah, absolutely.
Take a look at this.
Right-o.
Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.
Empty street, nothing happening.
A house.
Sleepy neighbourhood.
Sleepyman on bike.
Yeah, it's a big high point of the day.
Er, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.
Yeah, Britain before immigration.
Aw, things was lovely.
You're the only person here that can say that, you know.
Anybody here can say it, they just have to be willing to deal with the consequences.
Yes.
Judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't happening, and the policeman at the end is probably the clue, is it about falling crime rates? Ah, you are good, Paul.
You're much better than him.
Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.
According to the UK Peace Index, well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.
That's pretty good.
The number of police officers dropped by 6%.
Do you think there's a link? Well, there might be.
But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.
Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.
Back home, my cousin, he got robbed by a man with a bulletcos he didn't have a gun.
He was like going .
.
"Don't make me throw this at you.
" Everybody's feeling the pinch, you know.
Everybody gotta cut back.
Well, yeah Did the man throw the bullet in the end or was it a bluff? It was a bluff.
As it turned out, he had no training in throwing bullets and killing people.
According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain? It's Norfolk.
It's Norfolk.
Yeah.
And funny enough, it'sit'ser, Brawland.
Where? Broeh, BrooklynBroland.
How do you say that? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.
Broadland, ah! Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right? Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper .
.
and here's the shocking scene At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle up to a height of six inches.
LAUGHTER Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime? Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage or somewhere where he lives Sussex.
Sussex.
.
.
and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms and not very friendly terms, I think.
Is he also worried because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head? LAUGHTER He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour and stand there for half an hour.
He's too proud to admit it.
The inner city school in Stockwell, London, plans to open its own boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex and send 600 of its pupils there.
John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday Clearly unsure whether the hole he'd dug himself into was deep enough, he added: John Cherry is no longer a member of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor and a prat.
APPLAUSE A quick spot-the-difference question for you all.
What is the difference between this, and this? That is the more modern, more scenic entrance into Scotland Yard.
The other picture is the uglier, old Britain, pre-Thatcher entrance, and people don't care about it as much because it ain't as shiny and nice.
No.
I'm not used to subtext, but I do feel dismissed.
You know what the difference is? Tell me what the difference is.
Which was the cost of moving the Scotland Yard sign 15 yards.
Finally, shall we see how commuters on the tube are relaxing, now that they don't have to be worried about violent crime? Yeah.
They're holding folded newspapers up to make fellow travellers look like personalities.
Let's see some of their efforts.
There's Kate Middleton.
The Queen.
And Jimmy Carr.
On second thoughts, that might actually be Jimmy Carr, trying to claim back tax on some women's clothing.
That's a dangerous joke, isn't it? Not for me, no.
This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen throughout the UK.
Sexual crime has also fallen, although that's largely due to Top Of The Pops being cancelled.
Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.
Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper mocked the Government's failing, saying Something everyone would like to see, except perhaps the other passengers.
Also this week, conman Jimmy McCormick faces jail, having amassed a ã60 million fortune selling golf ball finders as bomb detectors.
Mr McCormick told buyers that his device could detect: In other words, everything except bullshit.
And they've been using them in Iraq.
Yes.
And they didn't check.
They went out and found loads of golf balls, and they were like Right, round two's coming up.
How's that going to pan out? The latest odds are on your screen now.
You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you? This next round is the strengthometer of news.
Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.
They want to send a married couple to Mars.
Not necessarily a married couple.
Two randoms.
What's randoms? Two random people.
Two random people? That'd be exciting, wouldn't it? Yeah.
REGINALD: Yeah, that'd be all right.
We should put the UN up there.
"You do not get to come back to Earth "till you come back with a resolution, "one that the United States agrees to, as well.
" This is Mars One, a Dutch TV company's plan to put reality TV contestants on a one-way trip to Mars.
What are they going to do up there for the rest of their lives? Coming up with a reality TV show where two people from Mars are flown back to Earth.
I don't know.
What are they going to do up there? They're not going to do anything.
They're just going to die.
They are going to die.
They're going to establish a colony.
According to the Sun, contestants will live in: "Day 26.
Benny's muscles have wasted away.
" That was my attempt at a Geordie accent.
I thought you were doing Birmingham.
I was, but I can't do the Geordie one.
You didn't go up far enough.
It's a difficult one.
Can you do a Geordie accent? It's all vowel sounds, isn't it? GEORDIE ACCENT: "Mickey Mouse and Pluto," it's easy.
GEORDIE ACCENT: "We've moved to day four of the show.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's like being with Ant and Dec! I'm just Ant and Dec? .
.
thrilled! I might look crazy, but I listen to white people a lot.
How much money is needed to send people on a one-way trip to Mars? ã56 million.
More than that? Well, it's: A return trip would cost: Though Southeastern Trains said they'll do the return for only one pound more than the single.
It's going to be like Total Recall, when they give them a pill and they pretend to go somewhere.
I like your imagination, fantastic.
No, it'swell, it's not what happened, it's a film.
Ray, do you know anything about films? If you'd seen any of my films, you'd know, no.
have already applied to go on the one-way trip to Mars.
Theresa May has already applied on behalf of Abu Qatada.
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
Here's the next one.
BUZZER Oh, yes, this isa rather unfortunate graphic that has turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse.
These are people who are in a relationship with each other, but they both love his ass, but they don't think the other person knows it.
This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities - and her name is? Carine Patry Hoskins.
Thank you.
Who was acting for the inquiry - she was assisting Lord Leveson.
Andthe feeling is that there was a sort of perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is is in a relationship with the other.
But they rather confused things by saying they weren't in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini together, secretly, to discuss whether they should have a relationship! Were they drawn to each other because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies? Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson, and just have him Lord Leveson, a lot of people don't know it, but in his spare time, he's a villain, sort of a puppet master, and he goes by the name Asshead.
He goes by the name of Arsehead? Yeah, Asshead.
Oh, Asshead.
Anyway, Asshead is controlling their mind when they snap two together and realise, "Oh, my God! "We're sitting here sipping champagne, "and we shouldn't be doing this.
Why are we doing this?" And he's like "Ha! My powers are unstoppable.
" She became very famous during the Leveson trial, known as "the woman on the left", because she sat on the left.
She sort of facially fell in love with Hugh Grant, didn't she, because she wouldn't stop staring at him? Look of love.
It was.
How do they know the difference between a look of love and a lawyer listening to somebody give evidence? The look of love is easy to detect.
The look of love looks something like That's more than love.
I hope there's dinner as well.
Yeah.
The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex? I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.
Have you been? I've beenalone.
Would you like to talk us through it? No.
Actually, it's a Greek island, it's shagadelic, you know.
You wouldn't ever go there for a meeting.
That's such an imperial attitude.
A lot of people seem to feel, if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have, they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.
British people do that a lot.
It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex, "so I'm going to go to Thailand," or "I've got an erection, get me to the airport.
" Yeah.
So Oh, yeah.
I forgot you were here.
You was doing so well.
There's nothing on there, Steve.
What? The Autocue's not on.
Just go to the last question on the cards, Ray, > then we'll just cut out this.
> Sounds like he's losing his patience with you.
What cards? Right there? STEVE: Last one.
"Meanwhile"? Meanwhile.
OK.
Next time he takes that tone, slap that man! OK.
This is the controversy over the relationship between two barristers involved in the Leveson Inquiry.
The two lawyers involved were the junior counsel for Leveson and the barrister who acted for Hugh Grant.
Well, somebody's got to.
Fingers on the buzzers, team.
There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses but it can only stick with one pattern.
And it's made It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.
Yeah, what do you think about that? I know what I think about it and I said it! I think it's a better answer.
Oh, OK.
This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone wore matching clothes for 35 years.
Here they are on holiday.
AUDIENCE GROANS Is that Santorini? Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.
He used to wear other clothes.
He invented something.
He invented something, did he? Not Post-it notes or anything like that? No, it's something you might see round a lake or something like that.
An ocean gnome? CAMILLA: Is the answer to any given question.
You know, like, a garden gnome? Yeah, I know a garden gnome.
Well, people who have a beachfront property or a lakefront property, they have what they call an ocean gnome, where instead of being green, or black, this one here is just blue, fat and happy.
So I thought maybe he invented the ocean gnome.
A lot of people don't know about the ocean gnome.
No.
Even less now than when you started.
The biggest ocean gnome of all is the Statue of Liberty.
Hey.
Just put there, next to the ocean.
Hey.
He's taking you seriously.
You're talking about America now.
You see them in Africa.
A flamingo! He invented flamingos? Here are the couple with the ornaments.
Ah.
He looks like he's been run over.
He's got a tyre mark right across his Yeah.
I have a feeling that this is her idea.
Right, fingers on the buzzers, teams.
BELL This is our special subject.
Right.
JLS have stopped having their sofa sale.
This is the news, the awful front page of the Sun news, that JLS are dead.
Don't worry, they're not actually dead.
They've just announced that they'll be splitting up.
Hooray! After a huge arena tour and a farewell album.
Boo! What do they sing, Ray? I have no idea.
I like The Jam and all that stuff.
Clash.
Punk.
Are they a punk band? No, punk is more your thing.
I'm kind of rock 'n' roll and all that.
No, I just wanted to say "punk" to you.
It sounds like a soccer league, JLS.
What does it stand for, JLS? I have no idea, Paul.
Jamaican League Soccer.
According to Marvin, he's one of the band: It's a bit of a stupid name to choose, then, isn't it? According to the Telegraph last year: Hold up.
I think you'll find all the members of Busted are stacking shelves at B&Q.
In other pop news, German quarantine laws have forced Justin Bieber to leave his pet monkey behind.
I know how painful it is to lose a monkey.
I bet on Barcelona to beat Bayern Munich.
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Paul and Reg, your four are Luis Suarez, the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson, and Peach the Alsatian.
Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.
Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC - he once bit somebody else on the arm, I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.
I don't know about the policeman, or the dog, but I'd guess the dog's odd one out because it doesn't bite any people, it's got no teeth.
No.
I give up, then.
They've all bitten someone apart from the West Midlands police officer Who was bitten.
Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.
Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time? It turned out this week that a lot of policemen are suing their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.
Yes.
This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.
Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an ã8,000 payout.
What other payments have been revealed? I've missed it.
There was a payout for ã600 to an employee: They were just so astonished to hear about the shocking flea attack.
So, Luis Suarez.
Yeah.
Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage - here's an artist's representation.
I mean, what was the general reaction? Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.
I put 100 monkeys So the general reaction, then, was anger and disgust.
Suarez said sorry, but received a ten-match ban.
Those busy little bees on Twitter took to Photoshopping him in various hilarious ways.
Here's one .
.
and another Peach the Alsatian.
Yes.
Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime from a PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact, the name of the police dog.
Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service complained about It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead - "I never touched him.
" Ian and Camilla, here are yours.
Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox, the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.
The new Dutch king had a song written for his coronation.
Yeah.
A special song, and decided he hated it.
The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.
Yes.
Swore like a porn star all the way through.
Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable because he's been placed directly above a fire? We're All Going On A Summer Barbecue? Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs and putting them in a fire? And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.
That's exactly right.
But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.
So, who's the odd one out, then? Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday .
.
and we're not.
Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain but it's about people moaning You know, Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he? But they have all caused LAUGHTER But they have all caused an audience to complain, apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.
Have you got any evidence for that? Yes, there are people who heard Bachelor Boy in 1961 who are no longer with us.
According to Gardeners' Question Time, a study conducted on the effect of music on plants revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music .
.
whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.
All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.
A Norwegian log fire.
This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.
According to the Daily Mail, it was watched by a fifth of the population.
That's about how many people would be stoned, isn't it? The programme, you know, it divided the nation.
An expert said One viewer commented: The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands, was withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.
Let's have a look.
MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank THEY SING IN DUTCH LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE As long as they're both willing participants.
Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.
APPLAUSE According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is .
.
known as crap.
I think I'd rather like that.
What? Zadok the BLEEP.
I think that would be really good.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You'll never guess what I just imagined.
I imagined that was empty.
That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.
You've never said BLEEP before.
Well, that's guaranteed that to be in, otherwise you wouldn't explain this to anybody.
Oh, dear.
The Missing Word round is coming up.
Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.
Who's going to be the daddy? The latest odds are on your screen now.
Have a bang on that.
This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.
To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.
And we start with Is helpful if you're married to a much older woman.
This is the part of the guide to making your own teddy bear.
Once you've trimmed the fur on the face: Well, that's what they did to Nick the Bubble, anyway.
I didn't understand a word of that.
You haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, have you? No.
Welcome to the real world.
Next, what is the meaningless and fake? Hold it, hold it, hold it.
It's a trick of the Is it punctuation? Yes, it was, sorry.
No, this one gave me the right hump, I've got to be honest with you.
Camels? No.
For me, there's nothing better than celebrating St George's Day in proper English style, with a few pints of Kronenbourg, followed by a nice ruby.
Next: CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man who said the rude word presenting the news? This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.
Let's see how he got on.
You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.
Your news leader in high definition.
OK, BLEEP, shit.
Good evening.
I'm Van Tieu.
LAUGHTER .
.
AJ on NBC North Dakota News and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.
Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.
Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.
I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um, you know, from being from the East Coast.
OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.
She seems to already know that his ass is gone.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I think if he'd been really clever after he'd sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now, "Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.
"Reactions coming in in a moment.
" That's what I would have done.
But I think newsreaders should.
It would be more interesting if they swore.
Like, "This bullshit just in.
" Do you know what, though? To be fair, this autocue business is actually harder than it looks - insert joke here, grin to camera, wait for the applause.
Next There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch.
It's not her, is it? I can't believe you got it that quick.
She's had her face done.
I sat next to her here.
I had no idea.
That you were sitting next to her? I didn't know she was I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.
One law for the rich and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.
And finally Is it the name of a bear? Must be.
No.
It's something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and Warm.
Cosy.
Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.
Where does a boat sail? A harbour.
Sea.
Yeah, sea.
Yeah, yeah.
Dry.
Will keep you Where would you like to be when you are at sea? Keep you On a I'm on a boat.
I'm on a boat.
The waves are coming in, look.
APPLAUSE I can't believe I did that again.
APPLAUSE Three times.
Is that the answer? No.
Oh.
Will keep you warm at sea.
This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory, who has created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when the sea breezes get a bit chilly.
The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well but he has just taken them off and he's waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.
REGINALD: Ah! The teddy bear's a ho.
The final scores are Paul and Reginald, six, Ian and Camilla HE CHUCKLES .
.
eight.
APPLAUSE There's time for the caption competition.
Ian and Camilla have this.
They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No.
No.
Not me.
" Paul and Reg get that.
Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.
REGINALD: When he opened his eyes, he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Camilla Long, Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen to try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.
In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage is beginning to have an effect.
And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.
Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.
Blinding geezer.
Good night.