Have I Got a Bit More News for You (2007) s45e08 Episode Script
Alexander Armstrong, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Josie Long
APPLAUSE Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong In the news this week Following the tedium of last week's Queen's Speech, a BBC reporter reveals what Prince Philip would far rather do in the House of Lords.
Go in there and basically go IMITATES GUNSHOTS LAUGHTER All Creatures Great And Small show that inappropriate behaviour at the BBC was more widespread than previously thought.
It'd be great if he pulled somebody out, though, wouldn't it? In Pyongyang, North Koreans react to the news that Kim Jong-un agrees with David Cameron on gay marriage.
And Virgin Airlines launch a shocking new campaign to stop male passengers fantasising about air hostesses.
On Paul's team tonight is an unashamedly traditional Eton-educated Conservative MP who was born in 1969 - at the age of 50.
Please welcome, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
APPLAUSE And with Ian tonight is a comedian who says she wishes she knew more about politics but knows she doesn't like the Conservatives.
A bit like David Cameron.
Please welcome, Josie Long.
APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.
Oh, yes.
Ben Turpin there - cross-eyed comedian, famous.
That's Lord Feldman - perhaps famous or not famous for saying something.
Those are the members of the Tory Associations, I think.
JACOB: One of them's a friend of mine, actually.
Really? Which one? Edmond Costello.
He's a very good egg.
Very good egg.
So, yes.
Somebody has apparently called these people swivel-eyed loons, but it's difficult to know who has said this Who didn't? Lord Feldman said he didn't say it.
He absolutely didn't.
But he's the only one that people think did.
Yes, it was definitely not Lord Feldman that made the remark to Times and Telegraph journalists.
There were reporters who heard it who say it was.
JACOB: No, they don't.
They're No, they're sticking to their story.
They're sticking to their story, but they're protecting their source, so they're not saying that anybody in particular said that the Tories had a strabismus.
LAUGHTER Tell us about strabismus, Jacob.
Well, a strabismus is when peoples' eyes go off in different directions.
One goes UKIP, the other, Tory.
I would "Different" direction.
I wouldn't have put it like that.
It's a You know, it's a word for boss-eyed, and those various eye conditions that some people have, but Conservatives almost invariably do not have.
LAUGHTER ONE MAN APPLAUDS Thank you! Don't clap on your own - somebody will throw you a fish.
LAUGHTER Chiswick Empire, 1926.
I don't know any loonies on the right of British politics.
JOSIE: You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane? No, I don't.
I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered, wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson.
That is all he is.
I'm not sure I quite understand.
Why is he Chairman, this, er this Lord Feldman? Because he's an inspiring Tory Party Chairman who leads the party with verve and panache.
According to the Mail, he's also And what's Cameron done to smooth things over? He's written us all a letter, saying that members of the Conservative Party are marvellous, and I agree with that.
If any of you are members of the Conservative Party here, you're marvellous.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey! And the rest of you are probably marvellous too.
Everyone's marvellous.
Yes, he wrote Adding, ".
.
not in a nancy way, obviously.
" Tory activists tend to be quite elderly, don't they, Jacob? No, I don't think so.
People are living longer.
Yeah.
People spend decades in retirement and therefore they're a very good pool to get activists from.
UKIP is doing much the same.
Are you worried they're out-looning you? A lot of them are upset about the gay marriage bill, Jacob.
You voted against gay marriage.
Yes, the line of the Catholic Church.
OK, you took the Catholic whip, rather than Indeed, absolutely.
LAUGHTER Did anyone hear what Lord Tebbit had to say in an interview with the Big Issue this week? Yes, but it doesn't bear repeating.
Well, it really does, actually.
No, it doesn't.
We've got the quote It is a speculative concern, and it is unhelpful.
Like, he could equally go, "What if a dragon shows up and steals the Queen?" You know? It's not helpful.
JACOB: His problem - his concern - is one that constitutionally will not arise from the act that's just gone through the House of Commons.
Well, I hope he's watching, cos that will put his mind at rest.
While we're on Norman Tebbit, do you want to hear his theories about how gay marriage might affect inheritance tax? Yes.
He said And all these years, people have thought Norman's reactionary(!) Extraordinary free-thinking liberal.
Yeah, he fancies his brother.
Mind you, we all fancy your brother, Norm.
What did the Conservative MP for Aldershot - Gerald Howarth - warn us about? Aggressive homosexuals.
That's exactly right.
His quote was this.
He said What next? Bumming on the national curriculum? That's going back to the 19th century.
What might the House of Lords do? They're threatening to have a vote on the second reading, which the House of Lords very rarely does on bills that come up from the Commons.
That's right.
They might block the bill's passage.
Who's going to be? LAUGHTER That's a Max Miller joke.
Who's the likely passage-blocker in this instance? It's Lord Dear, Dearie to his friends.
He might table a It's a generational thing, isn't it, the gay marriage bill? Older people tend to be against it, younger people are for it, so if you take it to the House of Lords, it's probably not going to get through.
What's the Lib Dems' biggest worry at the moment? Nick Clegg.
Second biggest worry at the moment? Vince Cable.
Third biggest worry? Extinction.
Extinction.
We've found two.
Ed Davey - that's a third.
How many more can we do? Any offers from the audience? Famous Lib Dems.
It's a bit like famous Belgians.
You're in government with these people.
I'm not in government.
I'm a backbencher.
They wouldn't let me anywhere near government.
It's important to remember that cos all functions of our government are run by Old Etonians, so even a backbench rebel is an Old Etonian.
Lib Dem Party insiders are worried that Shocking, isn't it? The devious bastards.
In a week of controversial statements, what has Penelope Keith been saying this week? She's addressed the housing problems.
It's kind of incredibly mean to be blaming the housing crisis on older women.
Flibbertigibbet 60-year-olds running off.
Phwoar! Yes! That's exactly right.
As soon as the children have grown up, they look around them and think, "Oh, you're quite boring.
" This ispersonal experience.
You mean you get that at home as well? That's right.
This was in Country Life magazine.
She was complaining about middle-aged women contributing to rising house prices by divorcing and living on their own.
Well, watch Pointless, of course.
Do you need your own home to do that? Oh, yes.
It is advisable.
What did we learn this week about men with big muscles? They can lift heavy things.
Yes.
Yes?! No, no.
This is research published by some university somewhere, that said, "Men with high upper body strength are likely to be "more right wing, because they pursue their own self interest.
"Weedy men, on the other hand, are more concerned with "the welfare of others.
" I think I disprove this rule, personally.
Let's see your biceps, Jacob.
I don't know that I've got anything like that.
Of course, you are a man of the people, aren't you? Absolutely.
Very much so.
Here's when Andrew Neil sprang a question about social class on you.
I would say, sort of, upper middle rather than upper.
Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy.
That's definitely true.
So, we'll settle for upper middle? I'm a man of the people.
"Vox populi, vox Dei.
" But, Alexander, aren't you even posher than I am? I seem to remember reading somewhere that you are descended from William the Conqueror.
which I think makes you a cousin of my wife.
That's nice.
So We're family.
Sowe're family.
May I call you cousin? APPLAUSE That's nice.
Yes I don't think I'm even related to my own parents.
Yes, this is the gay marriage bill.
The move to legalise same sex marriage has outraged many Conservatives, who believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, or several women if you're Boris.
OK.
Ian and Josie, take a look at this.
That's the next Prime Minister.
Oh, God, please no.
And that's Michael Gove.
Head teachers have proposed a vote of no confidence in him because he's appalling at his job, and they all hate him.
Yes, this is at the National Association of Head Teachers Conference in Birmingham.
What happened just before he arrived at the conference? They burnt an effigy of him.
As good as, yes, er They made a They decided to change the curriculum to include anti-Gove lessons.
They passed a vote of no confidence in his policies.
But he made an effort.
Here he is, asking what it is that's making head teachers so stressful.
I think the first thing that we can do is to engage the profession and to find out what are the drivers of the stress that you record.
Erm And I think LAUGHTER I think that I think that you're one of them, Michael.
Yes.
Teachers say they are getting stressed out because he's introducing far too many new initiatives, and that it's like trying to A few cheerleaders on It's A Knockout know what that might have been like.
What do you hate so particularly about him? A lot of the things that he's done, I just think are really unhelpful, like there are shortages of school places, but he doesn't allow local authorities to open schools where they're needed.
I also know that he's opened studio schools which are for 14- to 19-year-olds and they're run by businesses and then that business doesn't have to teach the full curriculum and under-16-year-olds will work for free for that business, like, studio schools that's not good enough.
You know, that's like, you know, how a studio flat doesn't have any of the amenities you need to have a normal good life, I think a lot of his Sorry, this is really boring but No, it will be over soon.
Exactly.
I know this isn't Question Time, but I think it's a problem and I know that you're not a Dimbleby, you're very smart but you're not quite a Dimbleby JOSIE: Oh, what?! This is the Tory education policy right here, mate.
The Dimblebys have a monopoly on some public service broadcasting, but Michael Gove was very brave, he went to I think you've explained that jolly well, Jacob.
APPLAUSE Is Michael Gove shocked and upset by the reception he got? No, he loved it.
We can watch him.
We work in the culture of fear, not one of working together.
LENGTHY APPLAUSE We had a wonderful and frank dialogue between a group of head teachers and myself, which I very much enjoyed.
OK, let's have a quick test on Michael Gove, so turn your papers over now.
Michael Gove recently claimed that survey after survey showed that teenagers had a poor historical knowledge.
On what surveys has he based this claim? UK Gold and Premier Inn and they weren't surveys of pupils, they were just surveys of watchers of the TV show and guests in the hotel.
Correct.
Next question.
He recently wrote to his old French teacher to apologise.
What for? Messing around at the back of the class and making his job difficult.
For indulging in pathetic showing-off, being cocksure and coming up with clever dick questions in class.
That's hard to believe, isn't it? Here's a young Michael Gove.
Jacob, you were quite forward as child.
How old were you when you wrote your first letter to the Financial Times? I don't know that I've written a letter to the Financial Times.
I was told you were 12.
We have a picture of you here, look.
There we are.
Aww.
Yes, thank you.
OK.
Back to the quiz, back to our exciting quiz.
Michael Gove would relish that picture.
That's what all youngsters of that age should be doing - reading the FT.
I don't know that youngsters should model themselves on me, actually.
I've never held myself up as a role model.
Oh, you're underselling yourself.
I don't think I am.
I really don't.
Did you write a leader for the Financial Times? I-I-I didn't, no.
I did something slightly different - I went to shareholders' meetings but I didn't write letters to the Financial Times.
- At 12 years old? - Yes.
- And how did that come about? I had been given a little bit of money, birthday present, by my father - Oh, and you didn't buy a bike, you bought shares in Yes.
When we say, "A little bit of money," are we talking six figures here? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
I think it was ã150.
It was not But in 1890, that was quite LAUGHTER Can you identify the third actor in this scene from a 1995 film starring Christopher Lee and Robert Hardy, set in a boarding school and called A Feast At Midnight? Why do they call you "Raptor"? You know perfectly well, Headmaster.
I Oh, yes.
You mean the film The Dinosaur.
BUZZER It's Michael.
It's Jacob.
It's not No.
It's obviously Michael.
I knew he'd done that, actually.
Did you? He's quite good.
Yes.
With just a glance.
It's amazing, isn't it? He's quite good? That's a good glance.
Look at that.
He's very impressive.
How come? He could have had an alternative career, had he wanted.
Oh, how we wish.
How come he's a vicar at his age? On the subject of questions, according to Michael Deacon of the Times, how did Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt answer an urgent question in the Commons about the current crisis facing A&E departments? BUZZER Ian.
He said, "I have to ask Mr Murdoch.
" Oh, no, that was his old job.
He's in charge of health now, which is much safer.
I think that's a good way of promoting people, don't you, Jacob? When they've been spectacularly Awful.
.
.
awful.
Incompetent.
All good words.
They may be good words, but they're used in the wrong space if I may say so.
Oh, really? Have I got the word Hunt wrong? He behaved with great propriety over the whole Murdoch affair.
You can't believe that.
I do believe that.
You're perfectly reasonable some of the time.
Thank you.
But I really do believe that.
Well, it's a good thing he convinced one viewer at the Leveson Enquiry which was you, which was excellent.
And Lord Justice Leveson, actually, who clearly Lord Justice Leveson got pretty much everything else wrong in his report, but he was right about Jeremy Hunt.
Dangerously, I'm going to start agreeing with you.
Well, yes, yeah, yeah.
But not over that detail.
Right, he's in charge of the Health Service now.
So how did he answer an urgent question in the Commons about the current crisis? He said, "I can't answer this, will you ring 111?" Well, no, he answered, but he answered with more questions.
Michael Deacon writes After being told by the Speaker to answer questions not to ask them, Jeremy Hunt replied Finally, back to education and the news that Major Tim Peake is to become Britain's first official astronaut? Brave, intelligent, about take immense risks in the name of science, did anyone see what Paxman put him through on Newsnight? Yes.
Look at this.
Now what are we going to get for the 60 million that's being spent on putting you up there? What are you actually going to do? Science predominantly.
But what science? Don't you think it might be a bit boring up there? Not at all.
But you're just drifting around, aren't you? You just seem to be up there nowadays playing the guitar, I meanit's not what many people would recognise as a taxing job.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Yes, this is Education Secretary Michael Gove, who was given a vote of no confidence by the National Association of Head Teachers.
When asked by the Mail if he wanted to be Prime Minister, Mr Gove replied Mind you, that hasn't stopped him from being Education Minister.
A ten-year-old girl has written to the Education Secretary, pointing out that, in a recent exam paper, punctuation was used incorrectly on three occasions, proving what we've all suspected - Michael Gove doesn't know his colon from his elbow.
And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Yes, Paul? Well, the word "Google" and the coin probably is indicating that Google are expected to pay more tax than they have been in the past.
That is the news that Google executive Matt Brittin was dragged That's him there.
Is that him there? Yes, he's looking at the total tax paid by Google last year.
The chairman of the Public Accounts Committee gave them a very bad time.
She's been recalling people.
It's Parliament in action, suggesting people should pay their taxes.
It's actually a cheery story.
Well, she was obsessed by why Brittin lives in Britain and not in Ireland with its low taxes.
She asks him Look, Margaret, nobody wants to live in Ireland.
What terrifying weapon did Ed Miliband hit Google with this week? International cooperation.
He brought up the issue of tax at Google's Big Tent conference.
Whilst doing this, he landed the tax avoiders this body blow.
I want to start, as they say on Have I Got News For You, with four pictures and I want to ask you who you think the odd-one-out this? The answer's you, Ed.
David Cameron let Google off very lightly this week.
Yes, Google came to see him, Eric Schmidt who is the CEO, and he went to visit Cameron the week when all this Google stuff is becoming quite current, but he didn't think it would be tactful to bring it up and then Eric Schmidt tried to leave Downing Street through the back entrance That's right.
.
.
as though he hadn't been there.
He DID leave through the back entrance.
How stupid of me to say, "He tried.
" Did he claim the entrance was in Switzerland? And in other taking-the-piss news, how much are professional beggars earning a year we're told this week? Er, I don't know, ã10 million a year, eight quid, somewhere in-between.
Exactly right.
In fact, it's such a lucrative business that according to the Sun Where's that happening? Nowhere.
Almost certainly nowhere.
This is tax avoidance by multi-nationals.
Ed Miliband has attacked Google for its tax arrangements.
Interestingly if you type "Ed Miliband" into Google, it suggests, "Did you mean David?" Also, this week, a US committee criticised the amount of tax Apple pays.
As a company, Apple has always prided itself on encouraging their creatives, especially those in the accounts department.
So fingers on buzzers, teams.
Another spinning picture.
BUZZER Oh, yes.
The Church of England have agreed that swans can marry helicopters.
They thought the issue of the wings and the rotary blades was incompatible.
One's going like that, one's going like that - two different worlds.
But, no, they've found on that does that simultaneously, so they're both happy.
Is this the priest who's got an organ growing out of his head? No.
This is the news that swan named Whooper has fallen in love with a helicopter.
No, it hasn't.
No, it has.
Does anyone know where this great romance has unfolded? Yeah, in the books of JK Rowling.
No The day the swan fell in love with a helicopter.
I know, yes.
When the swan was born, the first thing he saw was the helicopter and thought that was his mum, is that right? And they're going to get married so they don't have to pay inheritance tax.
It happened at Les Mielles Golf Club in Jersey, which is where Whooper lives.
According to the Times Gold digger.
How do we know this is true love, according to the Mail Online? Because it's not.
It's completely made-up rubbish.
What does it mean, "He only had eyes for"?! They're extremely concerned that Whooper might become a cropper in In the chopper.
.
.
in the chopper.
We've got a picture.
That's just a swan flying past a helicopter.
In flagrante.
That's not proving that the two of them are in love! It's not a very romantic picture, is it? You cold, cold man.
I think that's tabloid intrusion.
They might be sucked up into the updraft.
If you're lucky! Act it out.
Be the helicopter, be the swan and let's see if we think it's plausible.
Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "You're lovely!" Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Thank you very much.
" Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Shall we go to the pictures?" "Yeah, all right.
" What a load of rubbish! Look at it.
It's hardly proof of the Kennedy assassination.
Look at it! Look.
A swan's natural mate in nature is A - another swan, B - Ronnie Corbett, C - a helicopter.
There's always Zeus, isn't there? Zeus, yeah.
Helen of Troy was born out of swan's egg.
I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute.
She's a Cardiff girl.
IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: The helicopter lands, aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.
As the bladescircle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel.
And it comes loping out of the aircraft hangar and straight into the blades of the helicopter.
Yes.
According to the Express, the pilot is so terrified the besotted bird will fly into the rotors A nation of animal lovers.
Sit there with a swan and you'd get Why might Whooper have more luck dating a Prague tube train? Because a Prague tube train's more his type.
Not so It won't go off the rails.
Is that where most people fall in love? The company that runs the underground there is proposing a singles-only carriage He's already got a helicopter to himself.
Why does he need to go and share a train with a bunch of other people? He's in there with that.
Why is no-one finding love in a Guildford library? Cos they've closed it down.
No, because according to the Telegraph One man came as Mr Darcy, one man came as Rhett Butler but unfortunately, the convincing-looking Stig of the Dump turned out to be a urine-soaked tramp.
So, yes, this is a swan at an airport in Jersey that has fallen in love with a helicopter.
No, it hasn't.
Meanwhile It hasn't at all.
I believe it.
You are the editor of Private Eye?! I'm incredibly gullible.
Er, so fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER It's about meat pies setting off smoke alarms.
You're very close.
Am I? Meat pies, Yorkshire puddings, smoke alarms, fire alarms.
Fire alarms.
Creme brulee.
Creme brulargh! It's the news that a spate of Merseyside fires has been started by Eccles cakes.
Yes, I should explain, Jacob, Eccles, it's a place in the north.
According to James Murphy, the watch manager at Crosby Fire Station Good evening.
Yeah, in a nuclear reactor.
Anyone guess what the headline was in the Liverpool Echo? Heat it.
AUDIENCE GROANS Don't groan, that's brilliant.
Journalism at its finest.
Another scandal, this time a little bit closer to Jacob's home, to do with caviar.
Oh, yes, I did see that.
Um, it was Luckily, your butler brought you the paper.
No, no, they did some DNA testing on caviar in some very smart restaurant and it turned out they were being sold a less good quality caviar but nobody could spot the difference.
You're absolutely right.
I had a friend who went a bought a whole barrel of caviar.
He went to a street market and someone said, "This is fantastic.
" He said, "I'll give you a whole barrel for 20 quid," or whatever it is, got it home, tucked in and found he'd been sold ball bearings.
I just love the idea that he would go out with someone and they'd be like, "Oh, that's your classic scam, that is.
" You know I've come on here because you kindly sent me Creme Eggs cos I'd said I liked them.
It occurred to me God, I didn't think you had to be bribed to come.
I should have said I liked caviar because then I might have got a pot of caviar which would have been You just wait.
We should have you on more often.
Look at this.
There you are.
There's a taste for You take that.
Thank you.
And a second.
There we are for you.
You can taste the difference, see if you can spot the Oh, my God! Didn't happen! I've just never handled caviar before.
JOSIE: Oh, my God! What do you reckon? Which is the realwhich is the better one and which is the B's the best one.
This one's mint sauce.
I think A is the more expensive.
JOSIE: Yeah.
I think A is nicer.
A is nicer.
Jacob? I think A is the more expensive.
You're absolutely right.
There we are.
Shall I take those back? JOSIE: It's good, isn't it? When I was on Desert Island Discs, which was a very long time ago Were you somebody's luxury? Yeah.
He was somebody's luxury.
APPLAUSE They said what's your luxury and I chose Frosties Hmm.
.
.
cos I lived on them at that stage and Frosties sent me a year's supply and my wife said, "You're an idiot.
"Why didn't you say BMW?" What were you going to have on your Frosties? Yeah, it's got no milk on a desert island Coconut milk.
Ah.
How do you get into the coconut? With a knife I've fashioned from my own tibia.
Yes, this is the warning not to heat up Eccles cakes in your microwave.
The Eccles cake warning came from a fire station manager in Liverpool, although the most common cause of a fire in on Merseyside is static electricity from shell suits.
Meanwhile, cheap, inferior caviar is being passed off as top-grade Sevruga caviar.
At last, a food scandal that affects us all.
Or is it just you and me? The two of us.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Ah, now.
I think this isis this about the guy that's brought out a guide on how you can quickly sort of subvert these numbers Exactly right.
That's exactly what it is? And he's worked it out and he's published this very useful information so if you're phoning somebody like, I don't know, BT or whoever it is, he pressed these numbers and it gets you through quickly, saves you loads of time.
Is that the guy? It is exactly right.
The man is called Nigel Clarke from Fawkham, Kent.
Did he used to be the speaking clock? Can you skip the music? You can skip So when they put Pachelbel's Canon on That's the only reason why I phone.
What? I only just phone them for the music.
When I get through to somebody, I say, "You've just ruined the song, thank you.
" Confuses them.
If you dial up Aviva Insurance and you're placed in a queue for longer than five minutes, he's discovered that if you press option three, according to the guide, you can switch the music to jazz and swing.
If you prefer pop, press four, and Jacob, for industrial dubstep, it's five.
I must confess I've never heard of that.
No.
Mm.
I suspect they've probably never heard of you either.
No, no.
Yes.
It's one of our major industries.
Industrial dubstep.
Is it? Not in Somerset, it isn't.
I don't think we do that down there.
Oh, there's a dubstep factory near you, I promise you.
Why might this man have a similarly high boredom threshold to that of Nigel Clarke? Is he trying to invent the mobile telephone as it appeared in 1984? He is Neil Brittlebank and according to the Sun Mr Brittlebank told the Metro Yes.
At which point, the reporter put one in each pocket and jumped into a canal.
Michael Hammett of the British Brick Society said Because some collections of bricks can actually be quite dull.
And finally, the Daily Mail printed some pictures of inventions that never caught on which are part of a new collection.
Would you like to see what those are? Yeah, absolutely.
JACOB: That's a pram in the war, isn't it, with a gas mask, effectively.
A gas-resistant pram, absolutely right.
Also air-resistant by the look of it.
Didn't people have gas masks for an air raid so that person's gone, "Ooh, it's an air raid, I'll just take the baby out.
" And there's this.
That is a piano specially designed for the bed-bound.
Well, it's crushing her.
No wonder she can't get out of the bed.
They should put that on the Chopin channel.
AUDIENCE GROANS I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And finally, this.
Do you want to know what that's for? Is it for those who couldn't afford the mascot that came with Rolls-Royces? A Spirit Of Ecstasy? Eh, no, it was used in Paris for picking up drunks.
One was used this week on the M1 for George Michael.
AUDIENCE GROANS Did anyone see how the Sun covered the George-Michael-falling-out-of-a-car story? Yes, absolutely.
Yes, this is a new guide which helps you bypass automated menus on the phone.
The dialling shortcut to report a water leak to Lloyds TSB Insurance is To buy a television from Argos, it's And if you've bought a faulty microphone from Currys, it's one, two, one, two, one, two.
Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Josie have two, Paul and Jacob have four.
No! Yes! Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Josie, your four are Energy Minister Greg Barker and his sausage dog Otto, Clint Eastwood, Jacob Rees-Mogg and a customer in McDonald's in Cork.
They're all lovers of McDonald's.
Jacob in particular.
JACOB: Yes, absolutely.
Jolly good stuff.
OK, I know that you are the postal service.
So if we can find out that two of these other people are in favour of really overpriced So, what we are saying is he is a Tory.
Yeah.
JACOB: I may know what it is.
Oh, tell me.
I was upbraided at Lords last week for putting my feet on the seats.
The dog of Greg Barker had a cushion warmed in the microwave in his ministry and I don't know about the other two.
In McDonald's in Cork did somebody put their feet on the counter or on a chair or was thrown out for not wearing any shoes? You are on the right track.
Chairs is what it is all about.
Clint had a conversation with a chair.
That's one.
You were ticked off by stewards.
A steward.
Just the one.
It didn't take a bevy of them.
What were you doing putting your feet on a seat? Well, they're quite cramped.
There's not a lot of space.
Wasn't there an urchin somewhere? LAUGHTER Who do you think is the odd one out? OK, let's go for the obvious one - Jacob.
No.
It's the customer in Cork.
It's absolutely not that either.
It's the bloke with the dog.
JACOB: It's the dog because Greg Barker didn't do anything to do with seats but the dog did it.
You're absolutely right.
The dog had a cushion.
JOSIE: I'm really sorry.
I thought I had it.
The McDonald's customer in Cork found himself in a rather embarrassing predicament when he got stuck in a baby highchair.
There's a picture of him.
There he is.
McMoron.
The man was finally rescued but not before he had crushed his McNuggets.
The Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood.
What did Clint say he was thinking behind this ad-libbed speech to an empty chair? The president was not effectively holding office.
It was as though there was no-one in government.
According to the Telegraph, Clint said it was supposed to be He doesn't even know what his name is any more.
Jacob, what of yours was longer than anyone else's in Parliament? LAUGHTER Floccinaucinihilipilification, I've got a feeling that is.
Yes.
Meaning, of course, the estimation of something as valueless.
That's absolutely right, yes.
It was the longest word in Hansard.
It has since been beaten by the length of the "boo" whenever George Osborne starts to speak.
Jacob Rees-Mogg also stirred controversy when it was revealed that he and the King of Spain had their own special loo to sit on in Claridges.
Jacob explained JACOB: That's pretty true.
Adding LAUGHTER I don't know if you have heard but being a member of the public is not strictly speaking a disability.
Oh, dear.
Yes.
Paul and Jacob, here are yours.
Oh, it's our turn, is it? Grandpa from The Munsters, an owl's face, Dan Brown and Ali the turtle.
The owl does look like he's got his face on upside down.
Ali the turtle, I don't Dan Brown has got another book out.
He wrote The Da Vinci Code.
What is interesting about the owl? That's a good clue.
He's meant to look like his head is upside down but is that? Upside down is a good tack.
A good way to look at it.
Ah, yes, cos bats hang upside down, don't they? So Grandpa as a vampire would go to sleep upside down.
JOSIE: I know that Dan Brown hangs upside down.
That is his cure for writer's block.
Is right, yeah.
JACOB: The turtle is odd one out because it had its back opened and weights put in so it would sink.
Absolutely right.
Yes.
They all hang upside down.
Well done.
APPLAUSE They all hang upside down apart from Ali the turtle, who has been fitted with a special belt so she doesn't turn upside down whilst in water.
Do you know why she was turning upside down? She got an infection, I think.
Got a bit of air in her back.
She was hit by a boat.
An air bubble, yeah.
An air bubble under her shell.
Using a scuba diver's weight belt, the Weymouth Sealife Centre has found a way to keep her upright.
Experiments are now being carried out to see if the same technology will, in fact, work for George Michael.
Here is the turtle with the belt.
Oh, yes.
Oh, God.
I'm going to beg with a turtle now.
The marine biologist responsible says he got the idea when disposing of an unwanted puppy at Christmas.
Dan Brown has revealed that to cure writer's block he hangs upside down and after reading one paragraph of Dan Brown I usually want to hang myself the right way up.
Dan Brown's new book Inferno is now in the shops.
According to the Sunday Times But not one of them has been able to translate it into decent English.
Which means, at the end of this round, it's two to Ian and Josie Still? .
.
and six to Paul and Jacob.
JOSIE: I thought I'd got it.
Two?! We've done even worse.
Time now for the missing words round.
This week's guest publication is Psychic Today.
I have to say I really did enjoy next September's issue.
And we start with It's not jail, is it? No.
Good.
Space, coincidentally, being a place where you really do need to tie your kangaroo down.
Next.
JACOB: It's alcohol-fuelled.
Too boozy.
Too boozy.
Absolutely right.
Boozy is the right word.
Drunk MPs actually deserve our sympathy as, when they stagger out of one of Parliament's bars, they then have the extra problem of remembering which of their homes to go back to.
Next.
Apparently he was in the pub one lunchtime and drank some beer and then was like, "Ooh.
" Started going all funny.
He went into a church and saw a swan getting married to a helicopter.
"I'm never having any more of that again," he said.
Signed the pledge.
Ben Fogle reckons his drink may have been spiked by Russian agents, who could have mistaken him for CIA spy Ryan Fogle.
Sounds far-fetched until you learn that Russian TV has just asked Ryan Fogle to present Crufts.
Next.
JOSIE: Severe punishments for psychics and we wish we didn't know about it.
What will it bring? According to the Daily Mail If only they had the Daily Mail.
And finally JACOB: There's a James Bond film about that but I can't remember the ones that come out.
She draws the pack.
Live And Let Die.
Live And Let Die.
Can you sing the theme tune? I'm not going to do that now, no.
Oh, go on.
No, no, no, no.
Modernising Tory party? Sing the theme tune.
It is The two of cups? JACOB: And what does that mean? The two of cups is the second most powerful card in the tarot deck.
Just below the ace of crap.
HE MOUTHS And so, the final scores are Ian and Josie on four but Paul and Jacob on six.
APPLAUSE Well done.
But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Rural communities more relaxed about gay marriage than people who live in towns.
And I leave you with news that midway through her Eurovision performance, Bonnie Tyler glances towards the wings in search of a supportive gesture from her family.
Before leaping off a cliff, a group of lemmings decide to enjoy one last meal.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Oh, God.
JACOB: They are animal lovers.
There's your menagerie.
I've got to add a lemming now.
You want that 200 quid a day.
You want a lemming on the edge of a cliff, a goose looking at a helicopter JACOB: A swan.
A swan, yeah.
I'll try a goose.
Yeah, goose, swan.
And in Liverpool, animal rights activists complain that John Bishop has forced his dog to undergo unnecessary veterinary procedures.
Good night.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong In the news this week Following the tedium of last week's Queen's Speech, a BBC reporter reveals what Prince Philip would far rather do in the House of Lords.
Go in there and basically go IMITATES GUNSHOTS LAUGHTER All Creatures Great And Small show that inappropriate behaviour at the BBC was more widespread than previously thought.
It'd be great if he pulled somebody out, though, wouldn't it? In Pyongyang, North Koreans react to the news that Kim Jong-un agrees with David Cameron on gay marriage.
And Virgin Airlines launch a shocking new campaign to stop male passengers fantasising about air hostesses.
On Paul's team tonight is an unashamedly traditional Eton-educated Conservative MP who was born in 1969 - at the age of 50.
Please welcome, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
APPLAUSE And with Ian tonight is a comedian who says she wishes she knew more about politics but knows she doesn't like the Conservatives.
A bit like David Cameron.
Please welcome, Josie Long.
APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.
Oh, yes.
Ben Turpin there - cross-eyed comedian, famous.
That's Lord Feldman - perhaps famous or not famous for saying something.
Those are the members of the Tory Associations, I think.
JACOB: One of them's a friend of mine, actually.
Really? Which one? Edmond Costello.
He's a very good egg.
Very good egg.
So, yes.
Somebody has apparently called these people swivel-eyed loons, but it's difficult to know who has said this Who didn't? Lord Feldman said he didn't say it.
He absolutely didn't.
But he's the only one that people think did.
Yes, it was definitely not Lord Feldman that made the remark to Times and Telegraph journalists.
There were reporters who heard it who say it was.
JACOB: No, they don't.
They're No, they're sticking to their story.
They're sticking to their story, but they're protecting their source, so they're not saying that anybody in particular said that the Tories had a strabismus.
LAUGHTER Tell us about strabismus, Jacob.
Well, a strabismus is when peoples' eyes go off in different directions.
One goes UKIP, the other, Tory.
I would "Different" direction.
I wouldn't have put it like that.
It's a You know, it's a word for boss-eyed, and those various eye conditions that some people have, but Conservatives almost invariably do not have.
LAUGHTER ONE MAN APPLAUDS Thank you! Don't clap on your own - somebody will throw you a fish.
LAUGHTER Chiswick Empire, 1926.
I don't know any loonies on the right of British politics.
JOSIE: You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane? No, I don't.
I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered, wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson.
That is all he is.
I'm not sure I quite understand.
Why is he Chairman, this, er this Lord Feldman? Because he's an inspiring Tory Party Chairman who leads the party with verve and panache.
According to the Mail, he's also And what's Cameron done to smooth things over? He's written us all a letter, saying that members of the Conservative Party are marvellous, and I agree with that.
If any of you are members of the Conservative Party here, you're marvellous.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey! And the rest of you are probably marvellous too.
Everyone's marvellous.
Yes, he wrote Adding, ".
.
not in a nancy way, obviously.
" Tory activists tend to be quite elderly, don't they, Jacob? No, I don't think so.
People are living longer.
Yeah.
People spend decades in retirement and therefore they're a very good pool to get activists from.
UKIP is doing much the same.
Are you worried they're out-looning you? A lot of them are upset about the gay marriage bill, Jacob.
You voted against gay marriage.
Yes, the line of the Catholic Church.
OK, you took the Catholic whip, rather than Indeed, absolutely.
LAUGHTER Did anyone hear what Lord Tebbit had to say in an interview with the Big Issue this week? Yes, but it doesn't bear repeating.
Well, it really does, actually.
No, it doesn't.
We've got the quote It is a speculative concern, and it is unhelpful.
Like, he could equally go, "What if a dragon shows up and steals the Queen?" You know? It's not helpful.
JACOB: His problem - his concern - is one that constitutionally will not arise from the act that's just gone through the House of Commons.
Well, I hope he's watching, cos that will put his mind at rest.
While we're on Norman Tebbit, do you want to hear his theories about how gay marriage might affect inheritance tax? Yes.
He said And all these years, people have thought Norman's reactionary(!) Extraordinary free-thinking liberal.
Yeah, he fancies his brother.
Mind you, we all fancy your brother, Norm.
What did the Conservative MP for Aldershot - Gerald Howarth - warn us about? Aggressive homosexuals.
That's exactly right.
His quote was this.
He said What next? Bumming on the national curriculum? That's going back to the 19th century.
What might the House of Lords do? They're threatening to have a vote on the second reading, which the House of Lords very rarely does on bills that come up from the Commons.
That's right.
They might block the bill's passage.
Who's going to be? LAUGHTER That's a Max Miller joke.
Who's the likely passage-blocker in this instance? It's Lord Dear, Dearie to his friends.
He might table a It's a generational thing, isn't it, the gay marriage bill? Older people tend to be against it, younger people are for it, so if you take it to the House of Lords, it's probably not going to get through.
What's the Lib Dems' biggest worry at the moment? Nick Clegg.
Second biggest worry at the moment? Vince Cable.
Third biggest worry? Extinction.
Extinction.
We've found two.
Ed Davey - that's a third.
How many more can we do? Any offers from the audience? Famous Lib Dems.
It's a bit like famous Belgians.
You're in government with these people.
I'm not in government.
I'm a backbencher.
They wouldn't let me anywhere near government.
It's important to remember that cos all functions of our government are run by Old Etonians, so even a backbench rebel is an Old Etonian.
Lib Dem Party insiders are worried that Shocking, isn't it? The devious bastards.
In a week of controversial statements, what has Penelope Keith been saying this week? She's addressed the housing problems.
It's kind of incredibly mean to be blaming the housing crisis on older women.
Flibbertigibbet 60-year-olds running off.
Phwoar! Yes! That's exactly right.
As soon as the children have grown up, they look around them and think, "Oh, you're quite boring.
" This ispersonal experience.
You mean you get that at home as well? That's right.
This was in Country Life magazine.
She was complaining about middle-aged women contributing to rising house prices by divorcing and living on their own.
Well, watch Pointless, of course.
Do you need your own home to do that? Oh, yes.
It is advisable.
What did we learn this week about men with big muscles? They can lift heavy things.
Yes.
Yes?! No, no.
This is research published by some university somewhere, that said, "Men with high upper body strength are likely to be "more right wing, because they pursue their own self interest.
"Weedy men, on the other hand, are more concerned with "the welfare of others.
" I think I disprove this rule, personally.
Let's see your biceps, Jacob.
I don't know that I've got anything like that.
Of course, you are a man of the people, aren't you? Absolutely.
Very much so.
Here's when Andrew Neil sprang a question about social class on you.
I would say, sort of, upper middle rather than upper.
Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy.
That's definitely true.
So, we'll settle for upper middle? I'm a man of the people.
"Vox populi, vox Dei.
" But, Alexander, aren't you even posher than I am? I seem to remember reading somewhere that you are descended from William the Conqueror.
which I think makes you a cousin of my wife.
That's nice.
So We're family.
Sowe're family.
May I call you cousin? APPLAUSE That's nice.
Yes I don't think I'm even related to my own parents.
Yes, this is the gay marriage bill.
The move to legalise same sex marriage has outraged many Conservatives, who believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, or several women if you're Boris.
OK.
Ian and Josie, take a look at this.
That's the next Prime Minister.
Oh, God, please no.
And that's Michael Gove.
Head teachers have proposed a vote of no confidence in him because he's appalling at his job, and they all hate him.
Yes, this is at the National Association of Head Teachers Conference in Birmingham.
What happened just before he arrived at the conference? They burnt an effigy of him.
As good as, yes, er They made a They decided to change the curriculum to include anti-Gove lessons.
They passed a vote of no confidence in his policies.
But he made an effort.
Here he is, asking what it is that's making head teachers so stressful.
I think the first thing that we can do is to engage the profession and to find out what are the drivers of the stress that you record.
Erm And I think LAUGHTER I think that I think that you're one of them, Michael.
Yes.
Teachers say they are getting stressed out because he's introducing far too many new initiatives, and that it's like trying to A few cheerleaders on It's A Knockout know what that might have been like.
What do you hate so particularly about him? A lot of the things that he's done, I just think are really unhelpful, like there are shortages of school places, but he doesn't allow local authorities to open schools where they're needed.
I also know that he's opened studio schools which are for 14- to 19-year-olds and they're run by businesses and then that business doesn't have to teach the full curriculum and under-16-year-olds will work for free for that business, like, studio schools that's not good enough.
You know, that's like, you know, how a studio flat doesn't have any of the amenities you need to have a normal good life, I think a lot of his Sorry, this is really boring but No, it will be over soon.
Exactly.
I know this isn't Question Time, but I think it's a problem and I know that you're not a Dimbleby, you're very smart but you're not quite a Dimbleby JOSIE: Oh, what?! This is the Tory education policy right here, mate.
The Dimblebys have a monopoly on some public service broadcasting, but Michael Gove was very brave, he went to I think you've explained that jolly well, Jacob.
APPLAUSE Is Michael Gove shocked and upset by the reception he got? No, he loved it.
We can watch him.
We work in the culture of fear, not one of working together.
LENGTHY APPLAUSE We had a wonderful and frank dialogue between a group of head teachers and myself, which I very much enjoyed.
OK, let's have a quick test on Michael Gove, so turn your papers over now.
Michael Gove recently claimed that survey after survey showed that teenagers had a poor historical knowledge.
On what surveys has he based this claim? UK Gold and Premier Inn and they weren't surveys of pupils, they were just surveys of watchers of the TV show and guests in the hotel.
Correct.
Next question.
He recently wrote to his old French teacher to apologise.
What for? Messing around at the back of the class and making his job difficult.
For indulging in pathetic showing-off, being cocksure and coming up with clever dick questions in class.
That's hard to believe, isn't it? Here's a young Michael Gove.
Jacob, you were quite forward as child.
How old were you when you wrote your first letter to the Financial Times? I don't know that I've written a letter to the Financial Times.
I was told you were 12.
We have a picture of you here, look.
There we are.
Aww.
Yes, thank you.
OK.
Back to the quiz, back to our exciting quiz.
Michael Gove would relish that picture.
That's what all youngsters of that age should be doing - reading the FT.
I don't know that youngsters should model themselves on me, actually.
I've never held myself up as a role model.
Oh, you're underselling yourself.
I don't think I am.
I really don't.
Did you write a leader for the Financial Times? I-I-I didn't, no.
I did something slightly different - I went to shareholders' meetings but I didn't write letters to the Financial Times.
- At 12 years old? - Yes.
- And how did that come about? I had been given a little bit of money, birthday present, by my father - Oh, and you didn't buy a bike, you bought shares in Yes.
When we say, "A little bit of money," are we talking six figures here? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
I think it was ã150.
It was not But in 1890, that was quite LAUGHTER Can you identify the third actor in this scene from a 1995 film starring Christopher Lee and Robert Hardy, set in a boarding school and called A Feast At Midnight? Why do they call you "Raptor"? You know perfectly well, Headmaster.
I Oh, yes.
You mean the film The Dinosaur.
BUZZER It's Michael.
It's Jacob.
It's not No.
It's obviously Michael.
I knew he'd done that, actually.
Did you? He's quite good.
Yes.
With just a glance.
It's amazing, isn't it? He's quite good? That's a good glance.
Look at that.
He's very impressive.
How come? He could have had an alternative career, had he wanted.
Oh, how we wish.
How come he's a vicar at his age? On the subject of questions, according to Michael Deacon of the Times, how did Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt answer an urgent question in the Commons about the current crisis facing A&E departments? BUZZER Ian.
He said, "I have to ask Mr Murdoch.
" Oh, no, that was his old job.
He's in charge of health now, which is much safer.
I think that's a good way of promoting people, don't you, Jacob? When they've been spectacularly Awful.
.
.
awful.
Incompetent.
All good words.
They may be good words, but they're used in the wrong space if I may say so.
Oh, really? Have I got the word Hunt wrong? He behaved with great propriety over the whole Murdoch affair.
You can't believe that.
I do believe that.
You're perfectly reasonable some of the time.
Thank you.
But I really do believe that.
Well, it's a good thing he convinced one viewer at the Leveson Enquiry which was you, which was excellent.
And Lord Justice Leveson, actually, who clearly Lord Justice Leveson got pretty much everything else wrong in his report, but he was right about Jeremy Hunt.
Dangerously, I'm going to start agreeing with you.
Well, yes, yeah, yeah.
But not over that detail.
Right, he's in charge of the Health Service now.
So how did he answer an urgent question in the Commons about the current crisis? He said, "I can't answer this, will you ring 111?" Well, no, he answered, but he answered with more questions.
Michael Deacon writes After being told by the Speaker to answer questions not to ask them, Jeremy Hunt replied Finally, back to education and the news that Major Tim Peake is to become Britain's first official astronaut? Brave, intelligent, about take immense risks in the name of science, did anyone see what Paxman put him through on Newsnight? Yes.
Look at this.
Now what are we going to get for the 60 million that's being spent on putting you up there? What are you actually going to do? Science predominantly.
But what science? Don't you think it might be a bit boring up there? Not at all.
But you're just drifting around, aren't you? You just seem to be up there nowadays playing the guitar, I meanit's not what many people would recognise as a taxing job.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Yes, this is Education Secretary Michael Gove, who was given a vote of no confidence by the National Association of Head Teachers.
When asked by the Mail if he wanted to be Prime Minister, Mr Gove replied Mind you, that hasn't stopped him from being Education Minister.
A ten-year-old girl has written to the Education Secretary, pointing out that, in a recent exam paper, punctuation was used incorrectly on three occasions, proving what we've all suspected - Michael Gove doesn't know his colon from his elbow.
And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Yes, Paul? Well, the word "Google" and the coin probably is indicating that Google are expected to pay more tax than they have been in the past.
That is the news that Google executive Matt Brittin was dragged That's him there.
Is that him there? Yes, he's looking at the total tax paid by Google last year.
The chairman of the Public Accounts Committee gave them a very bad time.
She's been recalling people.
It's Parliament in action, suggesting people should pay their taxes.
It's actually a cheery story.
Well, she was obsessed by why Brittin lives in Britain and not in Ireland with its low taxes.
She asks him Look, Margaret, nobody wants to live in Ireland.
What terrifying weapon did Ed Miliband hit Google with this week? International cooperation.
He brought up the issue of tax at Google's Big Tent conference.
Whilst doing this, he landed the tax avoiders this body blow.
I want to start, as they say on Have I Got News For You, with four pictures and I want to ask you who you think the odd-one-out this? The answer's you, Ed.
David Cameron let Google off very lightly this week.
Yes, Google came to see him, Eric Schmidt who is the CEO, and he went to visit Cameron the week when all this Google stuff is becoming quite current, but he didn't think it would be tactful to bring it up and then Eric Schmidt tried to leave Downing Street through the back entrance That's right.
.
.
as though he hadn't been there.
He DID leave through the back entrance.
How stupid of me to say, "He tried.
" Did he claim the entrance was in Switzerland? And in other taking-the-piss news, how much are professional beggars earning a year we're told this week? Er, I don't know, ã10 million a year, eight quid, somewhere in-between.
Exactly right.
In fact, it's such a lucrative business that according to the Sun Where's that happening? Nowhere.
Almost certainly nowhere.
This is tax avoidance by multi-nationals.
Ed Miliband has attacked Google for its tax arrangements.
Interestingly if you type "Ed Miliband" into Google, it suggests, "Did you mean David?" Also, this week, a US committee criticised the amount of tax Apple pays.
As a company, Apple has always prided itself on encouraging their creatives, especially those in the accounts department.
So fingers on buzzers, teams.
Another spinning picture.
BUZZER Oh, yes.
The Church of England have agreed that swans can marry helicopters.
They thought the issue of the wings and the rotary blades was incompatible.
One's going like that, one's going like that - two different worlds.
But, no, they've found on that does that simultaneously, so they're both happy.
Is this the priest who's got an organ growing out of his head? No.
This is the news that swan named Whooper has fallen in love with a helicopter.
No, it hasn't.
No, it has.
Does anyone know where this great romance has unfolded? Yeah, in the books of JK Rowling.
No The day the swan fell in love with a helicopter.
I know, yes.
When the swan was born, the first thing he saw was the helicopter and thought that was his mum, is that right? And they're going to get married so they don't have to pay inheritance tax.
It happened at Les Mielles Golf Club in Jersey, which is where Whooper lives.
According to the Times Gold digger.
How do we know this is true love, according to the Mail Online? Because it's not.
It's completely made-up rubbish.
What does it mean, "He only had eyes for"?! They're extremely concerned that Whooper might become a cropper in In the chopper.
.
.
in the chopper.
We've got a picture.
That's just a swan flying past a helicopter.
In flagrante.
That's not proving that the two of them are in love! It's not a very romantic picture, is it? You cold, cold man.
I think that's tabloid intrusion.
They might be sucked up into the updraft.
If you're lucky! Act it out.
Be the helicopter, be the swan and let's see if we think it's plausible.
Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "You're lovely!" Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Thank you very much.
" Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Shall we go to the pictures?" "Yeah, all right.
" What a load of rubbish! Look at it.
It's hardly proof of the Kennedy assassination.
Look at it! Look.
A swan's natural mate in nature is A - another swan, B - Ronnie Corbett, C - a helicopter.
There's always Zeus, isn't there? Zeus, yeah.
Helen of Troy was born out of swan's egg.
I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute.
She's a Cardiff girl.
IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: The helicopter lands, aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.
As the bladescircle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel.
And it comes loping out of the aircraft hangar and straight into the blades of the helicopter.
Yes.
According to the Express, the pilot is so terrified the besotted bird will fly into the rotors A nation of animal lovers.
Sit there with a swan and you'd get Why might Whooper have more luck dating a Prague tube train? Because a Prague tube train's more his type.
Not so It won't go off the rails.
Is that where most people fall in love? The company that runs the underground there is proposing a singles-only carriage He's already got a helicopter to himself.
Why does he need to go and share a train with a bunch of other people? He's in there with that.
Why is no-one finding love in a Guildford library? Cos they've closed it down.
No, because according to the Telegraph One man came as Mr Darcy, one man came as Rhett Butler but unfortunately, the convincing-looking Stig of the Dump turned out to be a urine-soaked tramp.
So, yes, this is a swan at an airport in Jersey that has fallen in love with a helicopter.
No, it hasn't.
Meanwhile It hasn't at all.
I believe it.
You are the editor of Private Eye?! I'm incredibly gullible.
Er, so fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER It's about meat pies setting off smoke alarms.
You're very close.
Am I? Meat pies, Yorkshire puddings, smoke alarms, fire alarms.
Fire alarms.
Creme brulee.
Creme brulargh! It's the news that a spate of Merseyside fires has been started by Eccles cakes.
Yes, I should explain, Jacob, Eccles, it's a place in the north.
According to James Murphy, the watch manager at Crosby Fire Station Good evening.
Yeah, in a nuclear reactor.
Anyone guess what the headline was in the Liverpool Echo? Heat it.
AUDIENCE GROANS Don't groan, that's brilliant.
Journalism at its finest.
Another scandal, this time a little bit closer to Jacob's home, to do with caviar.
Oh, yes, I did see that.
Um, it was Luckily, your butler brought you the paper.
No, no, they did some DNA testing on caviar in some very smart restaurant and it turned out they were being sold a less good quality caviar but nobody could spot the difference.
You're absolutely right.
I had a friend who went a bought a whole barrel of caviar.
He went to a street market and someone said, "This is fantastic.
" He said, "I'll give you a whole barrel for 20 quid," or whatever it is, got it home, tucked in and found he'd been sold ball bearings.
I just love the idea that he would go out with someone and they'd be like, "Oh, that's your classic scam, that is.
" You know I've come on here because you kindly sent me Creme Eggs cos I'd said I liked them.
It occurred to me God, I didn't think you had to be bribed to come.
I should have said I liked caviar because then I might have got a pot of caviar which would have been You just wait.
We should have you on more often.
Look at this.
There you are.
There's a taste for You take that.
Thank you.
And a second.
There we are for you.
You can taste the difference, see if you can spot the Oh, my God! Didn't happen! I've just never handled caviar before.
JOSIE: Oh, my God! What do you reckon? Which is the realwhich is the better one and which is the B's the best one.
This one's mint sauce.
I think A is the more expensive.
JOSIE: Yeah.
I think A is nicer.
A is nicer.
Jacob? I think A is the more expensive.
You're absolutely right.
There we are.
Shall I take those back? JOSIE: It's good, isn't it? When I was on Desert Island Discs, which was a very long time ago Were you somebody's luxury? Yeah.
He was somebody's luxury.
APPLAUSE They said what's your luxury and I chose Frosties Hmm.
.
.
cos I lived on them at that stage and Frosties sent me a year's supply and my wife said, "You're an idiot.
"Why didn't you say BMW?" What were you going to have on your Frosties? Yeah, it's got no milk on a desert island Coconut milk.
Ah.
How do you get into the coconut? With a knife I've fashioned from my own tibia.
Yes, this is the warning not to heat up Eccles cakes in your microwave.
The Eccles cake warning came from a fire station manager in Liverpool, although the most common cause of a fire in on Merseyside is static electricity from shell suits.
Meanwhile, cheap, inferior caviar is being passed off as top-grade Sevruga caviar.
At last, a food scandal that affects us all.
Or is it just you and me? The two of us.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Ah, now.
I think this isis this about the guy that's brought out a guide on how you can quickly sort of subvert these numbers Exactly right.
That's exactly what it is? And he's worked it out and he's published this very useful information so if you're phoning somebody like, I don't know, BT or whoever it is, he pressed these numbers and it gets you through quickly, saves you loads of time.
Is that the guy? It is exactly right.
The man is called Nigel Clarke from Fawkham, Kent.
Did he used to be the speaking clock? Can you skip the music? You can skip So when they put Pachelbel's Canon on That's the only reason why I phone.
What? I only just phone them for the music.
When I get through to somebody, I say, "You've just ruined the song, thank you.
" Confuses them.
If you dial up Aviva Insurance and you're placed in a queue for longer than five minutes, he's discovered that if you press option three, according to the guide, you can switch the music to jazz and swing.
If you prefer pop, press four, and Jacob, for industrial dubstep, it's five.
I must confess I've never heard of that.
No.
Mm.
I suspect they've probably never heard of you either.
No, no.
Yes.
It's one of our major industries.
Industrial dubstep.
Is it? Not in Somerset, it isn't.
I don't think we do that down there.
Oh, there's a dubstep factory near you, I promise you.
Why might this man have a similarly high boredom threshold to that of Nigel Clarke? Is he trying to invent the mobile telephone as it appeared in 1984? He is Neil Brittlebank and according to the Sun Mr Brittlebank told the Metro Yes.
At which point, the reporter put one in each pocket and jumped into a canal.
Michael Hammett of the British Brick Society said Because some collections of bricks can actually be quite dull.
And finally, the Daily Mail printed some pictures of inventions that never caught on which are part of a new collection.
Would you like to see what those are? Yeah, absolutely.
JACOB: That's a pram in the war, isn't it, with a gas mask, effectively.
A gas-resistant pram, absolutely right.
Also air-resistant by the look of it.
Didn't people have gas masks for an air raid so that person's gone, "Ooh, it's an air raid, I'll just take the baby out.
" And there's this.
That is a piano specially designed for the bed-bound.
Well, it's crushing her.
No wonder she can't get out of the bed.
They should put that on the Chopin channel.
AUDIENCE GROANS I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And finally, this.
Do you want to know what that's for? Is it for those who couldn't afford the mascot that came with Rolls-Royces? A Spirit Of Ecstasy? Eh, no, it was used in Paris for picking up drunks.
One was used this week on the M1 for George Michael.
AUDIENCE GROANS Did anyone see how the Sun covered the George-Michael-falling-out-of-a-car story? Yes, absolutely.
Yes, this is a new guide which helps you bypass automated menus on the phone.
The dialling shortcut to report a water leak to Lloyds TSB Insurance is To buy a television from Argos, it's And if you've bought a faulty microphone from Currys, it's one, two, one, two, one, two.
Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Josie have two, Paul and Jacob have four.
No! Yes! Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Josie, your four are Energy Minister Greg Barker and his sausage dog Otto, Clint Eastwood, Jacob Rees-Mogg and a customer in McDonald's in Cork.
They're all lovers of McDonald's.
Jacob in particular.
JACOB: Yes, absolutely.
Jolly good stuff.
OK, I know that you are the postal service.
So if we can find out that two of these other people are in favour of really overpriced So, what we are saying is he is a Tory.
Yeah.
JACOB: I may know what it is.
Oh, tell me.
I was upbraided at Lords last week for putting my feet on the seats.
The dog of Greg Barker had a cushion warmed in the microwave in his ministry and I don't know about the other two.
In McDonald's in Cork did somebody put their feet on the counter or on a chair or was thrown out for not wearing any shoes? You are on the right track.
Chairs is what it is all about.
Clint had a conversation with a chair.
That's one.
You were ticked off by stewards.
A steward.
Just the one.
It didn't take a bevy of them.
What were you doing putting your feet on a seat? Well, they're quite cramped.
There's not a lot of space.
Wasn't there an urchin somewhere? LAUGHTER Who do you think is the odd one out? OK, let's go for the obvious one - Jacob.
No.
It's the customer in Cork.
It's absolutely not that either.
It's the bloke with the dog.
JACOB: It's the dog because Greg Barker didn't do anything to do with seats but the dog did it.
You're absolutely right.
The dog had a cushion.
JOSIE: I'm really sorry.
I thought I had it.
The McDonald's customer in Cork found himself in a rather embarrassing predicament when he got stuck in a baby highchair.
There's a picture of him.
There he is.
McMoron.
The man was finally rescued but not before he had crushed his McNuggets.
The Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood.
What did Clint say he was thinking behind this ad-libbed speech to an empty chair? The president was not effectively holding office.
It was as though there was no-one in government.
According to the Telegraph, Clint said it was supposed to be He doesn't even know what his name is any more.
Jacob, what of yours was longer than anyone else's in Parliament? LAUGHTER Floccinaucinihilipilification, I've got a feeling that is.
Yes.
Meaning, of course, the estimation of something as valueless.
That's absolutely right, yes.
It was the longest word in Hansard.
It has since been beaten by the length of the "boo" whenever George Osborne starts to speak.
Jacob Rees-Mogg also stirred controversy when it was revealed that he and the King of Spain had their own special loo to sit on in Claridges.
Jacob explained JACOB: That's pretty true.
Adding LAUGHTER I don't know if you have heard but being a member of the public is not strictly speaking a disability.
Oh, dear.
Yes.
Paul and Jacob, here are yours.
Oh, it's our turn, is it? Grandpa from The Munsters, an owl's face, Dan Brown and Ali the turtle.
The owl does look like he's got his face on upside down.
Ali the turtle, I don't Dan Brown has got another book out.
He wrote The Da Vinci Code.
What is interesting about the owl? That's a good clue.
He's meant to look like his head is upside down but is that? Upside down is a good tack.
A good way to look at it.
Ah, yes, cos bats hang upside down, don't they? So Grandpa as a vampire would go to sleep upside down.
JOSIE: I know that Dan Brown hangs upside down.
That is his cure for writer's block.
Is right, yeah.
JACOB: The turtle is odd one out because it had its back opened and weights put in so it would sink.
Absolutely right.
Yes.
They all hang upside down.
Well done.
APPLAUSE They all hang upside down apart from Ali the turtle, who has been fitted with a special belt so she doesn't turn upside down whilst in water.
Do you know why she was turning upside down? She got an infection, I think.
Got a bit of air in her back.
She was hit by a boat.
An air bubble, yeah.
An air bubble under her shell.
Using a scuba diver's weight belt, the Weymouth Sealife Centre has found a way to keep her upright.
Experiments are now being carried out to see if the same technology will, in fact, work for George Michael.
Here is the turtle with the belt.
Oh, yes.
Oh, God.
I'm going to beg with a turtle now.
The marine biologist responsible says he got the idea when disposing of an unwanted puppy at Christmas.
Dan Brown has revealed that to cure writer's block he hangs upside down and after reading one paragraph of Dan Brown I usually want to hang myself the right way up.
Dan Brown's new book Inferno is now in the shops.
According to the Sunday Times But not one of them has been able to translate it into decent English.
Which means, at the end of this round, it's two to Ian and Josie Still? .
.
and six to Paul and Jacob.
JOSIE: I thought I'd got it.
Two?! We've done even worse.
Time now for the missing words round.
This week's guest publication is Psychic Today.
I have to say I really did enjoy next September's issue.
And we start with It's not jail, is it? No.
Good.
Space, coincidentally, being a place where you really do need to tie your kangaroo down.
Next.
JACOB: It's alcohol-fuelled.
Too boozy.
Too boozy.
Absolutely right.
Boozy is the right word.
Drunk MPs actually deserve our sympathy as, when they stagger out of one of Parliament's bars, they then have the extra problem of remembering which of their homes to go back to.
Next.
Apparently he was in the pub one lunchtime and drank some beer and then was like, "Ooh.
" Started going all funny.
He went into a church and saw a swan getting married to a helicopter.
"I'm never having any more of that again," he said.
Signed the pledge.
Ben Fogle reckons his drink may have been spiked by Russian agents, who could have mistaken him for CIA spy Ryan Fogle.
Sounds far-fetched until you learn that Russian TV has just asked Ryan Fogle to present Crufts.
Next.
JOSIE: Severe punishments for psychics and we wish we didn't know about it.
What will it bring? According to the Daily Mail If only they had the Daily Mail.
And finally JACOB: There's a James Bond film about that but I can't remember the ones that come out.
She draws the pack.
Live And Let Die.
Live And Let Die.
Can you sing the theme tune? I'm not going to do that now, no.
Oh, go on.
No, no, no, no.
Modernising Tory party? Sing the theme tune.
It is The two of cups? JACOB: And what does that mean? The two of cups is the second most powerful card in the tarot deck.
Just below the ace of crap.
HE MOUTHS And so, the final scores are Ian and Josie on four but Paul and Jacob on six.
APPLAUSE Well done.
But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Rural communities more relaxed about gay marriage than people who live in towns.
And I leave you with news that midway through her Eurovision performance, Bonnie Tyler glances towards the wings in search of a supportive gesture from her family.
Before leaping off a cliff, a group of lemmings decide to enjoy one last meal.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Oh, God.
JACOB: They are animal lovers.
There's your menagerie.
I've got to add a lemming now.
You want that 200 quid a day.
You want a lemming on the edge of a cliff, a goose looking at a helicopter JACOB: A swan.
A swan, yeah.
I'll try a goose.
Yeah, goose, swan.
And in Liverpool, animal rights activists complain that John Bishop has forced his dog to undergo unnecessary veterinary procedures.
Good night.