Have I Got a Bit More News for You (2007) s46e04 Episode Script
Jo Brand, Gyles Brandreth, John Prescott
This programme contains some strong language.
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jo Brand.
In the news this week, backstage at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth's family watch him finally get to the end of an autocue link.
At a council meeting in Stoke, there's a surprising result when a motion is tabled to abolish Stoke.
And in Moscow, another dissident is offered a chance to sit down for a few minutes and reconsider his opposition to Vladimir Putin.
On Ian's team tonight is a former MP and European Monopoly champion, of whom it's been said that if he hadn't spent so much time and energy pursuing such trivialities, he could truly have been one of history's great Monopoly players.
Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is the former Deputy Prime Minister, who was the third most famous face in the Blair government after both of Tony Blair's.
Please welcome John Prescott.
APPLAUSE And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
Paul and John, take a look at this.
Ah, yes, that's a representation of a baby.
There's another baby, there we are.
The world's full of them, apparently.
One of the papers claimed that there was a lookalike.
There's the Archbishop of Canterbury with his special friend.
That was the Bishop of London.
With a nice brooch on.
It's a stained-glass window, isn't it? This is the baby, baby George has been christened.
Yes, but there was another picture you referred to where they're all in the bath together.
I thought, "Unusual!" That's not real though.
I believe so.
Wasn't in your paper though, was it? No, no, because it wasn't real.
Oh! I don't understand, who was in the bath? It was a photomontage.
There's a photographer who specialises in creating amusing scenes, and she made a photograph of William and Catherine in the bath with the baby and lots of bubbles, and a lot of papers ran it on the front page.
And John said to Pauline, "Oh, look! Isn't this lovely? "Catherine and William in the bath with the baby.
" And they believed it.
I believed it, she didn't.
No, Pauline didn't.
We've always relied on Pauline.
Can we claim some points by actually telling what this is all about? Yes, go on then.
This is the christening of gorgeous George, the heir apparent but one to the throne of this country.
Gorgeous George, the lovely austerity baby.
But two, isn't it? But two, but one, we don't know.
We don't know yet what could happen.
Isn't there Charles and then William? There's Charles, there's William, then there's George.
So he's third.
Who's counting? They are, because he's George VI.
This is an eventual heir to the throne called George.
Named after the Chancellor of the Exchequer, it's a lovely gesture to the austerity.
They looked around the Cabinet table and thought, "We've got to actually keep in, be at the cutting edge.
"Eric Pickles? Do we want to call the baby Eric? "Not chubby enough.
"Theresa May, quite popular, "but is the baby going to be a cross-dresser?" Judging by the picture, possibly! If you start out in a frock, where do you end? Where do you end? You end up an archbishop! APPLAUSE I think the baby's gown was a gracious nod to Grayson Perry.
That's why it was such a contemporary wedding.
It wasn't a wedding, was it? They've already done that, or was that real? I'm not sure.
I'll check with Pauline.
But the point is That's twice he's mentioned your wife now.
As you'll discover, I am a bit obsessed.
I know so much about her, This is the baptism, the christening of young Prince George.
We've said all this.
What's this, a repeat? Why are we going around again? Do you know how many pages the Daily Mail devoted? 16, it's always 16.
The Mail devoted 15 pages to the event, while The Independent published a special souvenir issue so readers could cut out and keep the bottom left-hand corner of page 27.
Most of them, in my view, useless.
I should just say as well How do you know? They've only been there for a day! No, because if you want How good a godparent are you? You're probably not a very good godparent.
Only because Ian has a lot of problems with his own children, and Can we vote you off? BUZZER APPLAUSE It was an important ceremony.
I think the godparents on the whole were a mistake, because you don't actually want straight godparents.
You want, on the whole, to have gay godparents, who will not have children and therefore they can love you On Just A Minute, there's a limit.
It's a minute and then it stops, but this is going on for ever.
We need to have some mechanism in place.
Can we have the points? Your answer is correct, but let me just tell you APPLAUSE You only get one point for that, even though it was a 14-hour long answer.
We were just warming up, there was so much to tell you about the godparents.
That's what I feared.
Well, there's seven of them, let me tell you that.
Wealthy, Toffy, Poshy, Snobby, Snooty, Lordy and Dreary.
What can you tell me, do you know any of their names? I do.
Go on, then.
I knew you would! I know all of their names, I know them all personally.
The one I'm going to back as a good godparent is the youngest, the 22-year-old Earl Grosvenor, Hugh, who is a multi-billionaire.
That's the kind of godparent you want! Who knows what the future of the royal family might be? These people have very sensibly got a godfather in there who actually can deliver what a godfather should! Money, protection, grrr! They were pretty posh, weren't they? There was Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton Emilia Jardine-Paterson 31.
And then Zara Tindall.
Ah! It's really coming to something when you need Zara Tindall to be the bit of rough, isn't it? Who hasn't got a double-barrelled name.
I think it's unbelievable.
She has got a tattoo.
Do you know LAUGHTER Where is it? There's only one thing I'd like to know about this I can't wait! You're not allowed to ask questions, you're here to answer them.
I think John may have the answer to this.
Oh! Did you see the Archbishop wets the baby's head with water from the River Jordan? I did see that.
A hell of a long hosepipe! Now what I want to know is I'll be here if you need me.
This is a health and safety question.
It certainly is.
How long has this water been waiting to be used? Is it safe to use this water from the River Jordan? Do we know it's safe for this little baby to have this water splashed all over it? Has it been brought back from Jordan by Tony Blair? That's the question I really wanted to ask.
On one of his trips, did he bring back the water from Jordan? I can't believe he's stopped, I'm sort of stunned.
You do edit this programme, do you? Yes! Oh, yes! Definitely! Neither of us will be in it tomorrow.
Well, one of you will be.
It says there you've got the picture I mentioned, the lookalike.
Oh yes, so it does.
Well let's have a look at it then.
It's Queen Victoria? Well, it's hardly surprising since she is the great, great, great, great grandmother.
And most babies do look like Queen Victoria.
Or indeed me! Are you hinting that you're about to play Queen Victoria in a biopic? So there we go, good, nobody's got any more to say about the bloody christening.
Let's move on.
This is indeed the royal christening of Prince George.
According to reports, the christening cake is a tier taken from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding cake.
They've had a cake in the house for two years and not eaten it? Blimey, that's willpower! The Daily Express celebrated the occasion with an article on world christenings through the ages.
Apparently Prince Philip was born on June 10th, 1921, at his parents' villa in Corfu Coincidentally the same place where he was conceived.
Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
A nuclear power station, I think.
And there he is, Daddy Wooden Top.
A great Prime Minister.
A wind farm.
JOHN PRESCOTT: Another great Prime Minister.
Yes, John Major being goosed by a brunette.
I imagine this is all about nuclear power, it's about the green energy agenda, it's about John Major stepping in, coming back from the shadows.
The grey man has returned multi-coloured.
What is weird about the price the Government have agreed to pay the French and the Chinese for supplying us with nuclear power? It's double the current price of energy, so they're giving them a fixed rate which is double what it is at the moment, which isn't a terrifically good deal in anyone's book.
Guaranteed for 30 years.
Guaranteed for 30 years, yes.
There is an argument that the whole thing is the fault of the previous government who never commissioned anything and just sat on their hands for ten years, but I wouldn't bring that up in current company.
We're in a position where we have to buy nuclear power stations from someone and our government has chosen to buy them from China.
I mean, I suppose we could have bought them from Japan - that's been going well(!) And the consequence of this is we'll have fewer of those windmills.
As you know this week we had the sad news of the passing of Noel Harrison, Windmills Of My Mind.
Coinciding with that .
.
the windmills across the nation have stood still.
In tribute.
In silent tribute.
But they're not windmills.
Hm? They're not windmills, they're turbines.
Are they turbines? Yes, so the tribute unfortunately can't happen.
Unless the B-side was called Wind Turbines Of My Mind? Yeah, it's the Government trying to play catch-up because Ed Miliband suggested there should be a price freeze and everyone said, "Oh, Red Ed, lefty idiot.
" And then people realised that this is quite popular and the big energy companies have been running a bit of a cartel.
One for the lawyers.
Erm.
.
And Why do they make him live up there? What's intriguing is that John Major has intervened here and has come up with an alternative suggestion to the Government's.
So he has come out of the shadows, and people are reassessing him.
I've always admired him, and he looks so well.
Always has done.
Great man.
Good.
Well, that's covered that, then.
Since we're on the subject of John Major, people did notice that while he was attending this speech, he has become somewhat waspish in his old age.
He said to Labour MP Nick Brown: He said that Iain Duncan-Smith might have trouble reforming welfare Which minister is behind the initiative? Ed Davey.
That's right, the Energy Minister.
Shall we have a look at him? Looking a bit like Wayne Rooney.
The Lib Demsthe one thing they said they came into office for was to get this green tax put on fuel, and now it's going to be removed.
This is, of course, complete tosh.
Yes.
It is.
I could explain why, but I don't think this is the moment.
Not being this close to Christmas.
Do you know where David Cameron was when this announcement was made? He was actually at Hinkley Point power station in Somerset.
Can we fix it? No, we can't! He also announced that it was going to be 25,000 jobs, and David then came in and said it would only be 5,000 at its peak.
And they're not even going to be British jobs, are they, necessarily? French or Chinese.
Are you a fan of the Chinese? I am.
You've got a few good Chineses near you, haven't you? Now, British Gas hoiked their prices by 9% last week.
Who copped some stick for upping their rates by 10% this week? Was that nPower? It was indeed.
I must say, I really don't like that small letter, big letter thing.
nPower, or I thought they were a dubstep band.
Did a young person tell you to say that, Ian? Did you tell him to say that? No, I don't know what he's on about! I think he's changed his medication.
This was a week of rows over energy policy.
Over recent weeks, David Cameron's mantra has become: Presumably followed by Samantha saying, "I can't do it with the lights on.
" On the plus side for the Government, when the Hinkley Point power station in Somerset does blow up, at least it will kill all the badgers.
Paul and John, here's another for you.
Oh, cricket, obviously, black and white.
The Pope.
Yes, that looks like the holy beach ball of Lords.
What's that? Nuns, ermat least one of them's a man, I can see from here.
The Vatican's got its own cricket team? It has.
Do you know what they're called? The Angels? The Saints? The Pope's Cricket Team? The Vatican 11? They're called the St Peter's Cricket Club.
And if you ask for an LBW decision, they'll deny you three times, apparently.
Yes! Get those references in! Sorry, Gyles.
APPLAUSE What does the Pope think of it? Six-day matches but never seven.
The Pope is really into football.
He is indeed, as we can see from this photo.
Oh, bollocks, it's not coming.
Let's move on.
Sorry! I'm being quite unprofessional tonight.
It's hormones, everyone.
It's not really.
I haven't got any hormones in my body anymore, thank God.
My husband's pleased.
I haven't assaulted him for months.
Do you know what Father Theodore Mascarenhas, the Vatican Cricket Club president, had to say? By the way, to give you a clue, he's an Indian spin bowler, and he moves the ball in a mysterious way.
Sorry! Well, he said: Want to have a crack at that, Gyles? My Latin is terrible.
For years, I thought "in loco parentis" meant, "my dad's an engine driver.
" Julius Caesar used to tell that one! Not many people want to play the Vatican.
Some of the priests have been found guilty of ball tampering, apparently.
APPLAUSE Let's move on.
Who's compared themselves to Jesus this week? Is it Russell Brand? It's Michael O'Leary, the boss of Ryanair.
He went on Twitter to interact with all those fans out there of shitty budget air travel.
Is that the technical term? Yes.
One customer, called Beth, asked: Michael O'Leary thought he'd show he had a sense of humour with this reply: To which Beth replied: This is the news that the Vatican is setting up its own cricket team.
Meanwhile, a German bishop, dubbed the Bishop of Bling, has been suspended by the Vatican on account of his extravagant spending.
The Bishop spent 31 million euros renovating his private residence in Lindbergh.
No wonder the Vatican was furious.
Just think of all the poor destitute children in the world they could have hushed up with that money.
Ian and Gyles - here's another for you.
Oh, Theresa May is leaving the country, is she? She's explaining she'd like to go.
It's become embarrassing.
Yes.
This van - it was a pilot scheme.
They thought, "We'll see if this "works, we'll send the van round telling people to go home.
" Apparently, only one person went home.
They It had a success rate of one, and the person who went home didn't actually see the van, but read about it in the Guardian.
Actually, do you know what objection the Advertising Standards Authority had to the vans? Ah Was the apostrophe in the wrong place? Let's see it again.
I'm not sure there is one in, "Go home".
If you look at the writing on here, it is very contradictory.
You have "106 arrests last week", "Go home or face arrest", and then, in small letters, "We can help you to return home voluntarily without fear of arrest.
" LAUGHTER You just mentioned it twice, in big letters.
But I love this - "For free advice, come around, "and Theresa May will say, 'Fuck off!'" LAUGHTER TITTERING So you've given up thoughts of returning to government, have you? APPLAUSE The Advertising Standards Authority said that they quoted misleading arrest statistics - and what have the Government been trying in place of this blunt instrument of ethnic cleansing vans? Oh, they've been texting, yes.
I can see what this texting is doing.
You text in, saying, "Can I stay?" And Theresa May texts back, saying, "No, you can't.
" She can't really spell Well, this LAUGHTER When it comes to clarity of communication, you think a particular type of person is best suited to become a successful politician, don't you, Gyles? Can I tell you what annoyed me the other day? And that was when LAUGHTER Only if I can have the next go.
CHUCKLING I think, having been a breakfast television presenter actually really gets you well-suited to be in government.
You've got to get up early in the morning, look presentable, you've got to be able to master a brief, form a soundbite and get it across - so I didn't like the way these so-called "telly autocuties" were patronised when they were appointed to government.
How about people that get up about 11 o'clock and look a bit shit, like me and John? LAUGHTER I think it's a great shame that nowadays there are so many people going into politics in their 20s, never having done anything before.
It would be great if people who had some experience of the real world actually went into politics.
Somebody like you, who'd been a nurse and an entertainer - now you should go into politics.
Someone like John on the sea, on the high seas, before he went into politics.
On the high seas - he wasn't a pirate, you know.
LAUGHTER Were you? I wasn't even a seaman, I was a steward.
- But you were on the high seas! - Of course, all round the world.
He sailed all around the world, absolutely.
And he served gin and tonic better than most people.
To Anthony Eden as well.
He came on the ship for three months with me.
Can't have worse luck than that, can you? Do you think, though, that this new breed of politician will put a stop to MPs' perks, which they're insisting they keep as well as their 11% pay rise? I think we should have far fewer MPs, we should actually think through what the MPs are supposed to do Can you name names? Of who should go, who should be culled?! Who should be culled Oh, where do we start? .
.
at night, with a rifle.
The culling of the members - oh, what a marvellous What a marvellous series that would be, a Saturday night series.
it could be "The Culling".
The Cu APPLAUSE Are you not getting a pay rise, in the Lords? We don't get a pay, in that sense.
You get a daily allowance, if you turn But it's not a wage.
Right.
And then when I go to Europe to represent, they cut it by half.
But that's life, I'm not making a plea about it, it's better than working for a living.
LAUGHTER Now, Nick Clegg's spin doctors have been working particularly He's got spin doctors?! Apparently.
They've been leaking.
How pleasant(!) What have they been leaking, do you know? It's about free schools, Nick Clegg is now saying he might be against them, but his junior minister, who is also a Liberal Democrat, is in favour of them.
So, is the coalition coming a little bit apartagain at the seams? But I just have to say, on the subject of teachers, a lot of the people who taught me had no qualifications at all.
JOHN: That's obvious.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What is the argument for having untrained teachers? I don't understand.
Shall we apply the same to surgeons? If somebody wants to give it a go, let them have a go.
They're keen, they'd learn on the job - you learn on the job! OK, so, this week saw a continuation of the Tory van debacle.
Hang on, isn't Tory van debacle one of Prince George's godparents? According to the Sun, Theresa May also backed a scheme in which Theresa May, if you really want to frighten them off, try sexting them.
LAUGHTER And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams - here's the first one BUZZER That's a cake, isn't it? It's the Great British Bake Off winner.
There was talk about there being some, er, misogyny, some people on the internet were very harsh about some of the contestants, I believe.
BELL LAUGHTER Go on, what is it now? We were just going to tell you who the people were.
The gentleman on the left is Monsieur Raymond Blanc, the television chef, and he tweeted what appeared to be a sarcastic remark about the winner, 24 hours before the winner was announced Oh.
.
.
and possibly spoilt the whole competition.
But he got it wrong, because it WASN'T the winner.
Indeed, he said, "French is my second language.
" Theresa May then phoned up and said, "Oh, you're" LAUGHTER "You're some Froggy-wallah, are you? Well, get out.
Get out!" This is what he tweeted Who did that text refer to? Ruby.
It referred to Ruby! That's Ruby.
But you can't really tell how thin she is there, because she could have like a really massive body under it.
LAUGHTER Must have more photos of myself taken from that height.
Erm And THIS is the winner Frances.
And a lot of Bake Off fans were furious.
Yeah.
What did former finalist Mary-Anne Boermans compare the situation to? Do you know? No.
The end of the Crimean War.
She said it was Good grief! Have you all read Mary Poppins? Does that happen? Oh, no! My children and grandchildren are watching this - you've just ruined seven people's childhood.
Well, good! Let's see what Frances said about her personality.
Aw, makes them And a cup of cold sick.
LAUGHTER So, this is the grand final of Bake Off, which I watched this week.
It was contested by three female cooks, which is odd, because I happen to know for a fact that the best bakers are all male, and they're all called Gregg.
One of the finalists, Ruby Tandoh, received a lot of coverage for her looks.
She complained, saying Ruby, you're dough-eyed.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
That's dough, with an O-U-G-H - if I'm not at home, leave it with my neighbour.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
BELL Yes? They've taken a picture of the furthest planet in the furthest galaxy.
Oh, that's it, yeah.
It doesn't look like that! Looks like a fur ball.
Giant cat - is there a giant cat in space that the Government aren't telling us about? Er, no - it's intergalactic slime from outer space.
Slime from outer space? Yes.
It's a substance that's been found at a nature reserve in Somerset, and it's handed to the Natural History Museum.
The boffins there can't work out what it is, so have said it's probably assumed it might be intergalactic slime.
Wha? Which newspaper is this story in? I think it's the Financial Times.
There it is, look.
Oh, it's clear what this is.
Frogspawn.
No - terrified badger poo.
That's some intergalactic slime - here's some good old British slime.
Oh, no, sorry.
Erm members of the public actually do bring things in to the Natural History Museum.
Let's show you an object that was brought in, right? Yeah.
Ah Yeah.
That is a bird's pelvis.
But apparently, the person that brought it in thought it was a dragon.
LAUGHTER And here's something else that was brought in to the Natural History Museum, right? Blimey.
Gosh, it looks like Michael Gove put into a bottle, doesn't it? It was actually thought to be an alien, embalmed in a jar of f fluid, and it actually turned out to be a sci-fi toy that had been on the shelf in a pub.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Has somebody invented a windy book? It might be Alex Ferguson Oh, the hairdryer! The hair thing? This is the hairdryer thing which he used to do to his players, apparently.
He's got a new book out.
That's right.
The Daily Telegraph said Isn't the ghost writer of the book a Daily Telegraph reporter? Paul Hayward, he's a football journalist.
I think he may well be.
He is, he's the guy that wrote the book.
And that isn't LAUGHTER I wonder if there's some sort of connection there which I can't see? Does anyone know which of John's colleagues Sir Alex wanted to see the back of? Blair.
Gordon Brown.
Prescott.
GYLES: Never! Well, according to the Sun, Tony Blair asked Sir Alex how to handle Chancellor Gordon Brown's mutinous behaviour.
The Times reported that he told old Tone You stayed in your job for ages, John, so you can't have been any threat whatsoever.
Did he actually say that, was that in the book? He suggested that Blair should pick up a football boot and throw it really hard at Gordon's face.
But he could have called on John and John could simply have hit him.
LAUGHTER I never hit anyone, I connected with them, as Blair asked.
LAUGHTER Now, John - who did you recently compare to Alex Ferguson? I'm 75 years of age - I can't remember! Well, apparently, it was Ed Miliband.
Was it? Yeah.
He's the leader of the Labour Party! Is there any cocoa out there? This is Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography.
In the book, Fergie is critical of Wayne Rooney, saying God knows how Wayne's going to react when someone reads that to him.
OK, time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Gyles - your four are David Cameron, his former spin doctor Steve Hilton, pet chickens LAUGHTER .
.
and George Osborne.
Is there a continual story, a narrative, through these pictures? Has David Cameron pulled that beach ball out of the chicken's arse, and it's astonished George Osborne? LAUGHTER It's much simpler than that.
Is it? Three of them are Tories, and one of them is a chicken.
GYLES: Oh, that's very good.
So, three Conservatives and one Liberal Democrat.
Is this to do with not wearing shoes? You're warm there, it's to do with insufficient apparel Yes.
.
.
shall we say? Because Steve Hilton, who's come back to advise Mr Cameron, from He was on a plane, and he wasn't wearing shoes, so they said, "You can't come in.
" That's right.
It's personal, but he's got this verruca problem LAUGHTER The chicken is the odd one out because for some reason, it's worn shoes and the others haven't.
You're correct on the chicken - it IS the odd one out.
They've all allegedly worn insufficient clothing, apart from pet chickens, who are wearing entirely superfluous hi-vis jackets.
Can I say? Excuse me, this chicken You can say excuse me.
If this is a high-visibility jacket, it's been sold under No, no - that's Honestly, I'm looking at it very closely, I really cannot see the high-visibility jacket.
So, how are we to know it wears one if it hasn't got it on? I'm just going to show you the picture of the fucking chicken! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Let's have a look at the chicken with the jacket.
Let's have a look! There it is! Ah! People are buying fluorescent jackets for their pet chickens because they wander into the road and get run over.
The foxes must be very happy with this new arrangement.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the high-visibility jacket shop was on the other side.
The manufacturer's website describes the jackets as Ha-ha! What nonsense.
Very fashionable, but worryingly for the chickens, just one letter away from giblets.
LAUGHTER George Osborne, I don't know if you've heard about him, but he allegedly had a naked race along a London street, at the instigation of a vice girl called Natalie Rowe.
He denies all of the allegations.
That's good - so, what were they? In her book, Dominatrix, Natalie said George managed to retain his modesty as, typically for him, there was 0% growth.
Erm David Cameron was photographed trying to change his shorts on a Cornish beach.
Yes.
So, how did Ed Balls try and make capital out of this? Balls said in the House of Commons, "It's a very small towel.
" Oh, yes.
He was trying to make some sort of For a prime minister.
.
.
genital joke, which, if you're called Balls, is not a good idea.
Paul and John Yes.
.
.
here are yours.
John Prescott Yes.
.
.
Dick Cheney's heart, NASA and the Satis Bluetooth toilet.
I don't know, it's got to be something scientific, something to do with science fiction.
This is a new toilet, that canjudges your health, depending on what you put into it.
So, if you put a tin of petrol in, it confuses it completely.
Erm, Dick Cheney's heart - there was something about, he had a pacemaker fitted, and the surgeon made sure the pacemaker couldn't be, sort of, detonated by terrorists, or something.
And I don't know the rest of it.
I can't make this coherent.
Gyles Well, I Don't ask him, he can't make it coherent.
For God's sake! I did metmeet the man Yeah, I did met "I did met!" Coherent! "I did met.
" That's three words in and he's failed.
Off you go.
He said, "I did meth!" Oh, "I did meth!" Oh, I do apologise, I didn't realise you were struggling with an addiction.
I withdraw my comments.
I think John Prescott is the odd man out.
I think they're all things that Bluetooth has an effect on.
It's Bluetooth which has been, erm, disabled, I think.
It's Prescott, and the otherall have Bluetooth connections.
Have you got a pacemaker? No.
But you know, I looked at that and I thought Oh, I was going to try my mobile! LAUGHTER I was getting too caught up with myself - what the hell am I doing, carryingstanding up there with? Do it anyway Therefore I think I AM the lemon, because the other three are about technology.
I'm the only one not associated with technology, so I'm the odd one out.
I'm going to give you a one-word clue - hacking.
Ooh! I WAS involved in being hacked into.
Yes, your phone was hacked, I gather.
Oh, you were.
You were hacked, I'm sorry So, someone tell me the odd one out.
John's the odd one out, because he was hacked, and nobody else was.
No.
No.
No.
The Bluetooth lavatory is the odd one out? No.
No All right, then NASA.
Hang on! It's our game - hang on, hang on! Which one do you want to go for, John? I think it's got to be the rocket.
We say the rocket's the odd one out.
No.
So LAUGHTER Cheney.
No, it's Cheney, that's right.
Of course! The others are flush, and he's a "chainey"! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE They've all been hacked, except Dick Cheney's heart, which had a defibrillator in it that was vulnerable to hacking, so Cheney had it modified.
Can you imagine the person who is hacking John Prescott, listening, hour after hour, to his telephone conversations? Marvellous, rich use of language going on.
LAUGHTER And you can hack the toilet by downloading the mobile phone app and the PIN code, which is fixed at 0000.
So GYLES: Wonderful.
And Brazilian computer hackers mistook NASA for the NSA, the National Security Agency.
Do you know what message they left on NASA's website? There's nothing there.
Well, the message said Oh, that Theresa May, she gets everywhere! LAUGHTER They are all vulnerable to hacking, apart from Dick Cheney's heart, which had its defibrillator modified so that would-be assassins couldn't interfere with it and cause a fatal heart attack.
The trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson begins shortly, and whether they are innocent or guilty, it will no doubt be a horrendous ordeal for them.
So that's something to look forward to, hey? I'm one of the witnesses.
Are you? Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it, too! Ooh! I thought it was going to be quite a short trial! OK, time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Trolleybus Magazine.
And we start with Judge tells mad fisherman to stop eating cats.
Russell Brand.
No, let's tell you, shall we? JOHN: Isn't it that festival? The festival, yeah.
A festival in Peru has been banned from holding a cat race in which the losing cats are strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
Whereas the winning cat is crowned El Maestro de los Gartos, paraded round the streets of Lima, then strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
Next Problem.
Pope.
No.
Man throws parrot at problem? Yeah, just throw parrot at it, it'll sort itself out.
GYLES: Man throws parrot at festival-goers in Lima in the hope of giving them an alternative diet.
Midnight? No.
JOHN: Is it another police story? Man throws parrot at police officer! That is correct.
Well done! Yeah, good.
Next .
.
there were actually weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, which the cabinet believed - but they weren't there, were they? .
.
trolleybuses were invented by the Chinese LAUGHTER The rumours date from 1959, and If you want some idea of what Stalybridge was like in 1959, go to Stalybridge.
Next .
.
getting stuck in doorways.
.
.
more likely to be infertile.
No, it's worse than that.
.
.
are more likely to be fertile.
Creating more wide-faced men.
No, they're more likely to be conmen.
Well, apparently, wide-faced men are indeed Nobody look around.
No.
LAUGHTER And finally Tram, that's what it will be, a red-skirted tram, a trolleybus that's got a red skirt around it has been spotted.
Correct.
Ha-ha! Indeed.
This is from Trolleybus Magazine's visit to North Korea.
Of course, I can understand why people might want to go on a trolleybus-spotting tour of North Korea, but then again, I am a former psychiatric nurse.
And so, the final scores are - Gyles and Ian have seven, but John and Paul have nine! No! Yes! Well done, well done.
APPLAUSE But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Erm, new hairstyledoesn't work.
GYLES: Nick Clegg in search of green agenda? It's a hedge fund manager! Ooh! Yey! APPLAUSE On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Gyles Brandreth, Paul Merton and John Prescott.
And I leave you with news that arriving in Prague for a weekend break, Mrs Farage suddenly realises what the large inflatable object in Nigel's suitcase was.
After a new hospital opens in London, administrators thank the eagle-eyed member of the public who pointed out that from the roof, you can see into the nurses' residence.
And RMT chief Bob Crowe proves he's got what it takes in the Total Wipeout trade union special Good night! GYLES: I'd like to say some things about Prince George's Christening, if LAUGHTER .
.
a moment.
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jo Brand.
In the news this week, backstage at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth's family watch him finally get to the end of an autocue link.
At a council meeting in Stoke, there's a surprising result when a motion is tabled to abolish Stoke.
And in Moscow, another dissident is offered a chance to sit down for a few minutes and reconsider his opposition to Vladimir Putin.
On Ian's team tonight is a former MP and European Monopoly champion, of whom it's been said that if he hadn't spent so much time and energy pursuing such trivialities, he could truly have been one of history's great Monopoly players.
Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
APPLAUSE And with Paul tonight is the former Deputy Prime Minister, who was the third most famous face in the Blair government after both of Tony Blair's.
Please welcome John Prescott.
APPLAUSE And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
Paul and John, take a look at this.
Ah, yes, that's a representation of a baby.
There's another baby, there we are.
The world's full of them, apparently.
One of the papers claimed that there was a lookalike.
There's the Archbishop of Canterbury with his special friend.
That was the Bishop of London.
With a nice brooch on.
It's a stained-glass window, isn't it? This is the baby, baby George has been christened.
Yes, but there was another picture you referred to where they're all in the bath together.
I thought, "Unusual!" That's not real though.
I believe so.
Wasn't in your paper though, was it? No, no, because it wasn't real.
Oh! I don't understand, who was in the bath? It was a photomontage.
There's a photographer who specialises in creating amusing scenes, and she made a photograph of William and Catherine in the bath with the baby and lots of bubbles, and a lot of papers ran it on the front page.
And John said to Pauline, "Oh, look! Isn't this lovely? "Catherine and William in the bath with the baby.
" And they believed it.
I believed it, she didn't.
No, Pauline didn't.
We've always relied on Pauline.
Can we claim some points by actually telling what this is all about? Yes, go on then.
This is the christening of gorgeous George, the heir apparent but one to the throne of this country.
Gorgeous George, the lovely austerity baby.
But two, isn't it? But two, but one, we don't know.
We don't know yet what could happen.
Isn't there Charles and then William? There's Charles, there's William, then there's George.
So he's third.
Who's counting? They are, because he's George VI.
This is an eventual heir to the throne called George.
Named after the Chancellor of the Exchequer, it's a lovely gesture to the austerity.
They looked around the Cabinet table and thought, "We've got to actually keep in, be at the cutting edge.
"Eric Pickles? Do we want to call the baby Eric? "Not chubby enough.
"Theresa May, quite popular, "but is the baby going to be a cross-dresser?" Judging by the picture, possibly! If you start out in a frock, where do you end? Where do you end? You end up an archbishop! APPLAUSE I think the baby's gown was a gracious nod to Grayson Perry.
That's why it was such a contemporary wedding.
It wasn't a wedding, was it? They've already done that, or was that real? I'm not sure.
I'll check with Pauline.
But the point is That's twice he's mentioned your wife now.
As you'll discover, I am a bit obsessed.
I know so much about her, This is the baptism, the christening of young Prince George.
We've said all this.
What's this, a repeat? Why are we going around again? Do you know how many pages the Daily Mail devoted? 16, it's always 16.
The Mail devoted 15 pages to the event, while The Independent published a special souvenir issue so readers could cut out and keep the bottom left-hand corner of page 27.
Most of them, in my view, useless.
I should just say as well How do you know? They've only been there for a day! No, because if you want How good a godparent are you? You're probably not a very good godparent.
Only because Ian has a lot of problems with his own children, and Can we vote you off? BUZZER APPLAUSE It was an important ceremony.
I think the godparents on the whole were a mistake, because you don't actually want straight godparents.
You want, on the whole, to have gay godparents, who will not have children and therefore they can love you On Just A Minute, there's a limit.
It's a minute and then it stops, but this is going on for ever.
We need to have some mechanism in place.
Can we have the points? Your answer is correct, but let me just tell you APPLAUSE You only get one point for that, even though it was a 14-hour long answer.
We were just warming up, there was so much to tell you about the godparents.
That's what I feared.
Well, there's seven of them, let me tell you that.
Wealthy, Toffy, Poshy, Snobby, Snooty, Lordy and Dreary.
What can you tell me, do you know any of their names? I do.
Go on, then.
I knew you would! I know all of their names, I know them all personally.
The one I'm going to back as a good godparent is the youngest, the 22-year-old Earl Grosvenor, Hugh, who is a multi-billionaire.
That's the kind of godparent you want! Who knows what the future of the royal family might be? These people have very sensibly got a godfather in there who actually can deliver what a godfather should! Money, protection, grrr! They were pretty posh, weren't they? There was Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton Emilia Jardine-Paterson 31.
And then Zara Tindall.
Ah! It's really coming to something when you need Zara Tindall to be the bit of rough, isn't it? Who hasn't got a double-barrelled name.
I think it's unbelievable.
She has got a tattoo.
Do you know LAUGHTER Where is it? There's only one thing I'd like to know about this I can't wait! You're not allowed to ask questions, you're here to answer them.
I think John may have the answer to this.
Oh! Did you see the Archbishop wets the baby's head with water from the River Jordan? I did see that.
A hell of a long hosepipe! Now what I want to know is I'll be here if you need me.
This is a health and safety question.
It certainly is.
How long has this water been waiting to be used? Is it safe to use this water from the River Jordan? Do we know it's safe for this little baby to have this water splashed all over it? Has it been brought back from Jordan by Tony Blair? That's the question I really wanted to ask.
On one of his trips, did he bring back the water from Jordan? I can't believe he's stopped, I'm sort of stunned.
You do edit this programme, do you? Yes! Oh, yes! Definitely! Neither of us will be in it tomorrow.
Well, one of you will be.
It says there you've got the picture I mentioned, the lookalike.
Oh yes, so it does.
Well let's have a look at it then.
It's Queen Victoria? Well, it's hardly surprising since she is the great, great, great, great grandmother.
And most babies do look like Queen Victoria.
Or indeed me! Are you hinting that you're about to play Queen Victoria in a biopic? So there we go, good, nobody's got any more to say about the bloody christening.
Let's move on.
This is indeed the royal christening of Prince George.
According to reports, the christening cake is a tier taken from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding cake.
They've had a cake in the house for two years and not eaten it? Blimey, that's willpower! The Daily Express celebrated the occasion with an article on world christenings through the ages.
Apparently Prince Philip was born on June 10th, 1921, at his parents' villa in Corfu Coincidentally the same place where he was conceived.
Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
A nuclear power station, I think.
And there he is, Daddy Wooden Top.
A great Prime Minister.
A wind farm.
JOHN PRESCOTT: Another great Prime Minister.
Yes, John Major being goosed by a brunette.
I imagine this is all about nuclear power, it's about the green energy agenda, it's about John Major stepping in, coming back from the shadows.
The grey man has returned multi-coloured.
What is weird about the price the Government have agreed to pay the French and the Chinese for supplying us with nuclear power? It's double the current price of energy, so they're giving them a fixed rate which is double what it is at the moment, which isn't a terrifically good deal in anyone's book.
Guaranteed for 30 years.
Guaranteed for 30 years, yes.
There is an argument that the whole thing is the fault of the previous government who never commissioned anything and just sat on their hands for ten years, but I wouldn't bring that up in current company.
We're in a position where we have to buy nuclear power stations from someone and our government has chosen to buy them from China.
I mean, I suppose we could have bought them from Japan - that's been going well(!) And the consequence of this is we'll have fewer of those windmills.
As you know this week we had the sad news of the passing of Noel Harrison, Windmills Of My Mind.
Coinciding with that .
.
the windmills across the nation have stood still.
In tribute.
In silent tribute.
But they're not windmills.
Hm? They're not windmills, they're turbines.
Are they turbines? Yes, so the tribute unfortunately can't happen.
Unless the B-side was called Wind Turbines Of My Mind? Yeah, it's the Government trying to play catch-up because Ed Miliband suggested there should be a price freeze and everyone said, "Oh, Red Ed, lefty idiot.
" And then people realised that this is quite popular and the big energy companies have been running a bit of a cartel.
One for the lawyers.
Erm.
.
And Why do they make him live up there? What's intriguing is that John Major has intervened here and has come up with an alternative suggestion to the Government's.
So he has come out of the shadows, and people are reassessing him.
I've always admired him, and he looks so well.
Always has done.
Great man.
Good.
Well, that's covered that, then.
Since we're on the subject of John Major, people did notice that while he was attending this speech, he has become somewhat waspish in his old age.
He said to Labour MP Nick Brown: He said that Iain Duncan-Smith might have trouble reforming welfare Which minister is behind the initiative? Ed Davey.
That's right, the Energy Minister.
Shall we have a look at him? Looking a bit like Wayne Rooney.
The Lib Demsthe one thing they said they came into office for was to get this green tax put on fuel, and now it's going to be removed.
This is, of course, complete tosh.
Yes.
It is.
I could explain why, but I don't think this is the moment.
Not being this close to Christmas.
Do you know where David Cameron was when this announcement was made? He was actually at Hinkley Point power station in Somerset.
Can we fix it? No, we can't! He also announced that it was going to be 25,000 jobs, and David then came in and said it would only be 5,000 at its peak.
And they're not even going to be British jobs, are they, necessarily? French or Chinese.
Are you a fan of the Chinese? I am.
You've got a few good Chineses near you, haven't you? Now, British Gas hoiked their prices by 9% last week.
Who copped some stick for upping their rates by 10% this week? Was that nPower? It was indeed.
I must say, I really don't like that small letter, big letter thing.
nPower, or I thought they were a dubstep band.
Did a young person tell you to say that, Ian? Did you tell him to say that? No, I don't know what he's on about! I think he's changed his medication.
This was a week of rows over energy policy.
Over recent weeks, David Cameron's mantra has become: Presumably followed by Samantha saying, "I can't do it with the lights on.
" On the plus side for the Government, when the Hinkley Point power station in Somerset does blow up, at least it will kill all the badgers.
Paul and John, here's another for you.
Oh, cricket, obviously, black and white.
The Pope.
Yes, that looks like the holy beach ball of Lords.
What's that? Nuns, ermat least one of them's a man, I can see from here.
The Vatican's got its own cricket team? It has.
Do you know what they're called? The Angels? The Saints? The Pope's Cricket Team? The Vatican 11? They're called the St Peter's Cricket Club.
And if you ask for an LBW decision, they'll deny you three times, apparently.
Yes! Get those references in! Sorry, Gyles.
APPLAUSE What does the Pope think of it? Six-day matches but never seven.
The Pope is really into football.
He is indeed, as we can see from this photo.
Oh, bollocks, it's not coming.
Let's move on.
Sorry! I'm being quite unprofessional tonight.
It's hormones, everyone.
It's not really.
I haven't got any hormones in my body anymore, thank God.
My husband's pleased.
I haven't assaulted him for months.
Do you know what Father Theodore Mascarenhas, the Vatican Cricket Club president, had to say? By the way, to give you a clue, he's an Indian spin bowler, and he moves the ball in a mysterious way.
Sorry! Well, he said: Want to have a crack at that, Gyles? My Latin is terrible.
For years, I thought "in loco parentis" meant, "my dad's an engine driver.
" Julius Caesar used to tell that one! Not many people want to play the Vatican.
Some of the priests have been found guilty of ball tampering, apparently.
APPLAUSE Let's move on.
Who's compared themselves to Jesus this week? Is it Russell Brand? It's Michael O'Leary, the boss of Ryanair.
He went on Twitter to interact with all those fans out there of shitty budget air travel.
Is that the technical term? Yes.
One customer, called Beth, asked: Michael O'Leary thought he'd show he had a sense of humour with this reply: To which Beth replied: This is the news that the Vatican is setting up its own cricket team.
Meanwhile, a German bishop, dubbed the Bishop of Bling, has been suspended by the Vatican on account of his extravagant spending.
The Bishop spent 31 million euros renovating his private residence in Lindbergh.
No wonder the Vatican was furious.
Just think of all the poor destitute children in the world they could have hushed up with that money.
Ian and Gyles - here's another for you.
Oh, Theresa May is leaving the country, is she? She's explaining she'd like to go.
It's become embarrassing.
Yes.
This van - it was a pilot scheme.
They thought, "We'll see if this "works, we'll send the van round telling people to go home.
" Apparently, only one person went home.
They It had a success rate of one, and the person who went home didn't actually see the van, but read about it in the Guardian.
Actually, do you know what objection the Advertising Standards Authority had to the vans? Ah Was the apostrophe in the wrong place? Let's see it again.
I'm not sure there is one in, "Go home".
If you look at the writing on here, it is very contradictory.
You have "106 arrests last week", "Go home or face arrest", and then, in small letters, "We can help you to return home voluntarily without fear of arrest.
" LAUGHTER You just mentioned it twice, in big letters.
But I love this - "For free advice, come around, "and Theresa May will say, 'Fuck off!'" LAUGHTER TITTERING So you've given up thoughts of returning to government, have you? APPLAUSE The Advertising Standards Authority said that they quoted misleading arrest statistics - and what have the Government been trying in place of this blunt instrument of ethnic cleansing vans? Oh, they've been texting, yes.
I can see what this texting is doing.
You text in, saying, "Can I stay?" And Theresa May texts back, saying, "No, you can't.
" She can't really spell Well, this LAUGHTER When it comes to clarity of communication, you think a particular type of person is best suited to become a successful politician, don't you, Gyles? Can I tell you what annoyed me the other day? And that was when LAUGHTER Only if I can have the next go.
CHUCKLING I think, having been a breakfast television presenter actually really gets you well-suited to be in government.
You've got to get up early in the morning, look presentable, you've got to be able to master a brief, form a soundbite and get it across - so I didn't like the way these so-called "telly autocuties" were patronised when they were appointed to government.
How about people that get up about 11 o'clock and look a bit shit, like me and John? LAUGHTER I think it's a great shame that nowadays there are so many people going into politics in their 20s, never having done anything before.
It would be great if people who had some experience of the real world actually went into politics.
Somebody like you, who'd been a nurse and an entertainer - now you should go into politics.
Someone like John on the sea, on the high seas, before he went into politics.
On the high seas - he wasn't a pirate, you know.
LAUGHTER Were you? I wasn't even a seaman, I was a steward.
- But you were on the high seas! - Of course, all round the world.
He sailed all around the world, absolutely.
And he served gin and tonic better than most people.
To Anthony Eden as well.
He came on the ship for three months with me.
Can't have worse luck than that, can you? Do you think, though, that this new breed of politician will put a stop to MPs' perks, which they're insisting they keep as well as their 11% pay rise? I think we should have far fewer MPs, we should actually think through what the MPs are supposed to do Can you name names? Of who should go, who should be culled?! Who should be culled Oh, where do we start? .
.
at night, with a rifle.
The culling of the members - oh, what a marvellous What a marvellous series that would be, a Saturday night series.
it could be "The Culling".
The Cu APPLAUSE Are you not getting a pay rise, in the Lords? We don't get a pay, in that sense.
You get a daily allowance, if you turn But it's not a wage.
Right.
And then when I go to Europe to represent, they cut it by half.
But that's life, I'm not making a plea about it, it's better than working for a living.
LAUGHTER Now, Nick Clegg's spin doctors have been working particularly He's got spin doctors?! Apparently.
They've been leaking.
How pleasant(!) What have they been leaking, do you know? It's about free schools, Nick Clegg is now saying he might be against them, but his junior minister, who is also a Liberal Democrat, is in favour of them.
So, is the coalition coming a little bit apartagain at the seams? But I just have to say, on the subject of teachers, a lot of the people who taught me had no qualifications at all.
JOHN: That's obvious.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What is the argument for having untrained teachers? I don't understand.
Shall we apply the same to surgeons? If somebody wants to give it a go, let them have a go.
They're keen, they'd learn on the job - you learn on the job! OK, so, this week saw a continuation of the Tory van debacle.
Hang on, isn't Tory van debacle one of Prince George's godparents? According to the Sun, Theresa May also backed a scheme in which Theresa May, if you really want to frighten them off, try sexting them.
LAUGHTER And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams - here's the first one BUZZER That's a cake, isn't it? It's the Great British Bake Off winner.
There was talk about there being some, er, misogyny, some people on the internet were very harsh about some of the contestants, I believe.
BELL LAUGHTER Go on, what is it now? We were just going to tell you who the people were.
The gentleman on the left is Monsieur Raymond Blanc, the television chef, and he tweeted what appeared to be a sarcastic remark about the winner, 24 hours before the winner was announced Oh.
.
.
and possibly spoilt the whole competition.
But he got it wrong, because it WASN'T the winner.
Indeed, he said, "French is my second language.
" Theresa May then phoned up and said, "Oh, you're" LAUGHTER "You're some Froggy-wallah, are you? Well, get out.
Get out!" This is what he tweeted Who did that text refer to? Ruby.
It referred to Ruby! That's Ruby.
But you can't really tell how thin she is there, because she could have like a really massive body under it.
LAUGHTER Must have more photos of myself taken from that height.
Erm And THIS is the winner Frances.
And a lot of Bake Off fans were furious.
Yeah.
What did former finalist Mary-Anne Boermans compare the situation to? Do you know? No.
The end of the Crimean War.
She said it was Good grief! Have you all read Mary Poppins? Does that happen? Oh, no! My children and grandchildren are watching this - you've just ruined seven people's childhood.
Well, good! Let's see what Frances said about her personality.
Aw, makes them And a cup of cold sick.
LAUGHTER So, this is the grand final of Bake Off, which I watched this week.
It was contested by three female cooks, which is odd, because I happen to know for a fact that the best bakers are all male, and they're all called Gregg.
One of the finalists, Ruby Tandoh, received a lot of coverage for her looks.
She complained, saying Ruby, you're dough-eyed.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
That's dough, with an O-U-G-H - if I'm not at home, leave it with my neighbour.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
BELL Yes? They've taken a picture of the furthest planet in the furthest galaxy.
Oh, that's it, yeah.
It doesn't look like that! Looks like a fur ball.
Giant cat - is there a giant cat in space that the Government aren't telling us about? Er, no - it's intergalactic slime from outer space.
Slime from outer space? Yes.
It's a substance that's been found at a nature reserve in Somerset, and it's handed to the Natural History Museum.
The boffins there can't work out what it is, so have said it's probably assumed it might be intergalactic slime.
Wha? Which newspaper is this story in? I think it's the Financial Times.
There it is, look.
Oh, it's clear what this is.
Frogspawn.
No - terrified badger poo.
That's some intergalactic slime - here's some good old British slime.
Oh, no, sorry.
Erm members of the public actually do bring things in to the Natural History Museum.
Let's show you an object that was brought in, right? Yeah.
Ah Yeah.
That is a bird's pelvis.
But apparently, the person that brought it in thought it was a dragon.
LAUGHTER And here's something else that was brought in to the Natural History Museum, right? Blimey.
Gosh, it looks like Michael Gove put into a bottle, doesn't it? It was actually thought to be an alien, embalmed in a jar of f fluid, and it actually turned out to be a sci-fi toy that had been on the shelf in a pub.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER Has somebody invented a windy book? It might be Alex Ferguson Oh, the hairdryer! The hair thing? This is the hairdryer thing which he used to do to his players, apparently.
He's got a new book out.
That's right.
The Daily Telegraph said Isn't the ghost writer of the book a Daily Telegraph reporter? Paul Hayward, he's a football journalist.
I think he may well be.
He is, he's the guy that wrote the book.
And that isn't LAUGHTER I wonder if there's some sort of connection there which I can't see? Does anyone know which of John's colleagues Sir Alex wanted to see the back of? Blair.
Gordon Brown.
Prescott.
GYLES: Never! Well, according to the Sun, Tony Blair asked Sir Alex how to handle Chancellor Gordon Brown's mutinous behaviour.
The Times reported that he told old Tone You stayed in your job for ages, John, so you can't have been any threat whatsoever.
Did he actually say that, was that in the book? He suggested that Blair should pick up a football boot and throw it really hard at Gordon's face.
But he could have called on John and John could simply have hit him.
LAUGHTER I never hit anyone, I connected with them, as Blair asked.
LAUGHTER Now, John - who did you recently compare to Alex Ferguson? I'm 75 years of age - I can't remember! Well, apparently, it was Ed Miliband.
Was it? Yeah.
He's the leader of the Labour Party! Is there any cocoa out there? This is Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography.
In the book, Fergie is critical of Wayne Rooney, saying God knows how Wayne's going to react when someone reads that to him.
OK, time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Gyles - your four are David Cameron, his former spin doctor Steve Hilton, pet chickens LAUGHTER .
.
and George Osborne.
Is there a continual story, a narrative, through these pictures? Has David Cameron pulled that beach ball out of the chicken's arse, and it's astonished George Osborne? LAUGHTER It's much simpler than that.
Is it? Three of them are Tories, and one of them is a chicken.
GYLES: Oh, that's very good.
So, three Conservatives and one Liberal Democrat.
Is this to do with not wearing shoes? You're warm there, it's to do with insufficient apparel Yes.
.
.
shall we say? Because Steve Hilton, who's come back to advise Mr Cameron, from He was on a plane, and he wasn't wearing shoes, so they said, "You can't come in.
" That's right.
It's personal, but he's got this verruca problem LAUGHTER The chicken is the odd one out because for some reason, it's worn shoes and the others haven't.
You're correct on the chicken - it IS the odd one out.
They've all allegedly worn insufficient clothing, apart from pet chickens, who are wearing entirely superfluous hi-vis jackets.
Can I say? Excuse me, this chicken You can say excuse me.
If this is a high-visibility jacket, it's been sold under No, no - that's Honestly, I'm looking at it very closely, I really cannot see the high-visibility jacket.
So, how are we to know it wears one if it hasn't got it on? I'm just going to show you the picture of the fucking chicken! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Let's have a look at the chicken with the jacket.
Let's have a look! There it is! Ah! People are buying fluorescent jackets for their pet chickens because they wander into the road and get run over.
The foxes must be very happy with this new arrangement.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the high-visibility jacket shop was on the other side.
The manufacturer's website describes the jackets as Ha-ha! What nonsense.
Very fashionable, but worryingly for the chickens, just one letter away from giblets.
LAUGHTER George Osborne, I don't know if you've heard about him, but he allegedly had a naked race along a London street, at the instigation of a vice girl called Natalie Rowe.
He denies all of the allegations.
That's good - so, what were they? In her book, Dominatrix, Natalie said George managed to retain his modesty as, typically for him, there was 0% growth.
Erm David Cameron was photographed trying to change his shorts on a Cornish beach.
Yes.
So, how did Ed Balls try and make capital out of this? Balls said in the House of Commons, "It's a very small towel.
" Oh, yes.
He was trying to make some sort of For a prime minister.
.
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genital joke, which, if you're called Balls, is not a good idea.
Paul and John Yes.
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here are yours.
John Prescott Yes.
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.
Dick Cheney's heart, NASA and the Satis Bluetooth toilet.
I don't know, it's got to be something scientific, something to do with science fiction.
This is a new toilet, that canjudges your health, depending on what you put into it.
So, if you put a tin of petrol in, it confuses it completely.
Erm, Dick Cheney's heart - there was something about, he had a pacemaker fitted, and the surgeon made sure the pacemaker couldn't be, sort of, detonated by terrorists, or something.
And I don't know the rest of it.
I can't make this coherent.
Gyles Well, I Don't ask him, he can't make it coherent.
For God's sake! I did metmeet the man Yeah, I did met "I did met!" Coherent! "I did met.
" That's three words in and he's failed.
Off you go.
He said, "I did meth!" Oh, "I did meth!" Oh, I do apologise, I didn't realise you were struggling with an addiction.
I withdraw my comments.
I think John Prescott is the odd man out.
I think they're all things that Bluetooth has an effect on.
It's Bluetooth which has been, erm, disabled, I think.
It's Prescott, and the otherall have Bluetooth connections.
Have you got a pacemaker? No.
But you know, I looked at that and I thought Oh, I was going to try my mobile! LAUGHTER I was getting too caught up with myself - what the hell am I doing, carryingstanding up there with? Do it anyway Therefore I think I AM the lemon, because the other three are about technology.
I'm the only one not associated with technology, so I'm the odd one out.
I'm going to give you a one-word clue - hacking.
Ooh! I WAS involved in being hacked into.
Yes, your phone was hacked, I gather.
Oh, you were.
You were hacked, I'm sorry So, someone tell me the odd one out.
John's the odd one out, because he was hacked, and nobody else was.
No.
No.
No.
The Bluetooth lavatory is the odd one out? No.
No All right, then NASA.
Hang on! It's our game - hang on, hang on! Which one do you want to go for, John? I think it's got to be the rocket.
We say the rocket's the odd one out.
No.
So LAUGHTER Cheney.
No, it's Cheney, that's right.
Of course! The others are flush, and he's a "chainey"! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE They've all been hacked, except Dick Cheney's heart, which had a defibrillator in it that was vulnerable to hacking, so Cheney had it modified.
Can you imagine the person who is hacking John Prescott, listening, hour after hour, to his telephone conversations? Marvellous, rich use of language going on.
LAUGHTER And you can hack the toilet by downloading the mobile phone app and the PIN code, which is fixed at 0000.
So GYLES: Wonderful.
And Brazilian computer hackers mistook NASA for the NSA, the National Security Agency.
Do you know what message they left on NASA's website? There's nothing there.
Well, the message said Oh, that Theresa May, she gets everywhere! LAUGHTER They are all vulnerable to hacking, apart from Dick Cheney's heart, which had its defibrillator modified so that would-be assassins couldn't interfere with it and cause a fatal heart attack.
The trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson begins shortly, and whether they are innocent or guilty, it will no doubt be a horrendous ordeal for them.
So that's something to look forward to, hey? I'm one of the witnesses.
Are you? Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it, too! Ooh! I thought it was going to be quite a short trial! OK, time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Trolleybus Magazine.
And we start with Judge tells mad fisherman to stop eating cats.
Russell Brand.
No, let's tell you, shall we? JOHN: Isn't it that festival? The festival, yeah.
A festival in Peru has been banned from holding a cat race in which the losing cats are strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
Whereas the winning cat is crowned El Maestro de los Gartos, paraded round the streets of Lima, then strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
Next Problem.
Pope.
No.
Man throws parrot at problem? Yeah, just throw parrot at it, it'll sort itself out.
GYLES: Man throws parrot at festival-goers in Lima in the hope of giving them an alternative diet.
Midnight? No.
JOHN: Is it another police story? Man throws parrot at police officer! That is correct.
Well done! Yeah, good.
Next .
.
there were actually weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, which the cabinet believed - but they weren't there, were they? .
.
trolleybuses were invented by the Chinese LAUGHTER The rumours date from 1959, and If you want some idea of what Stalybridge was like in 1959, go to Stalybridge.
Next .
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getting stuck in doorways.
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more likely to be infertile.
No, it's worse than that.
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are more likely to be fertile.
Creating more wide-faced men.
No, they're more likely to be conmen.
Well, apparently, wide-faced men are indeed Nobody look around.
No.
LAUGHTER And finally Tram, that's what it will be, a red-skirted tram, a trolleybus that's got a red skirt around it has been spotted.
Correct.
Ha-ha! Indeed.
This is from Trolleybus Magazine's visit to North Korea.
Of course, I can understand why people might want to go on a trolleybus-spotting tour of North Korea, but then again, I am a former psychiatric nurse.
And so, the final scores are - Gyles and Ian have seven, but John and Paul have nine! No! Yes! Well done, well done.
APPLAUSE But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Erm, new hairstyledoesn't work.
GYLES: Nick Clegg in search of green agenda? It's a hedge fund manager! Ooh! Yey! APPLAUSE On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Gyles Brandreth, Paul Merton and John Prescott.
And I leave you with news that arriving in Prague for a weekend break, Mrs Farage suddenly realises what the large inflatable object in Nigel's suitcase was.
After a new hospital opens in London, administrators thank the eagle-eyed member of the public who pointed out that from the roof, you can see into the nurses' residence.
And RMT chief Bob Crowe proves he's got what it takes in the Total Wipeout trade union special Good night! GYLES: I'd like to say some things about Prince George's Christening, if LAUGHTER .
.
a moment.