1000 Ways to Die s03e28 Episode Script

Wait, Don't Tell Me - You're Dead!

Male announcer: Are you confused? - White powder! Announcer: Lonely? You know you want it.
Announcer: Are you in a bad place? [Laughter] Well, maybe this'll help.
- Let's party.
- Ah! Announcer: We got a Neo-Nazi who pulls his own plug A cage dancer who goes lights-out A diver who nails his landing.
How about a runner who can't get off? Ah! Announcer: Or a prankster who gets popped? Ah! No! Announcer: And finally - Trick or treat! Announcer: A halloweener whose trick backfires.
- Ah! - [Screaming] Announcer: Laughter's the best medicine on the next episode Oh, my God! Announcer: Of 1,000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
[Horn blares, tires screech] Every day, we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
[Siren wails] There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, we face This is Casper.
He's the leader of the brotherhood A nationwide Neo-Nazi gang he runs from his cell in a Florida state prison.
We are the master race.
Announcer: Casper's hatred of blacks had turned the prison into a powder keg.
Closing 17! Announcer: Before he was carried out.
Typically, in prison, gangs are divided by race for protection reasons mostly.
If they don't join the gang, they're gonna be locked down 24 hours a day for their own safety.
1% of the prison's population is part of a white supremacy group, yet 21% of all murders within prisons are attributed to that group.
[Keypad beeps] Announcer: Casper had an escape plan, but he needed help.
Yeah? Are you ready to stand up for the brotherhood? White powder! Announcer: That's where Darren came in.
Did you just say "white powder"? Uh, I'm sorry.
Announcer: Darren was painfully stupid, even by Neo-Nazi standards.
But as a new member of the brotherhood, he needed to prove his loyalty.
Just do what I told you before.
The guard will walk you right through.
You have nothing to worry about.
Yeah, mein fraulein.
Mein fuhrer.
[Grunts] Hands against the wall.
Announcer: All Darren had to do was get himself arrested.
Casper paid off the guards Don't look at me! Announcer: Who would bring him to his cell.
Ah! You like that? Gonna get a lot of that in here.
Announcer: What they didn't know: Darren had hidden a hand grenade deep up his anal canal.
Casper's plan was to take a hostage, threaten the guards with a live grenade, and make his escape.
Here's your bitch! [Grunts] Announcer: The time had come for Darren to deliver.
Get that thing out of there! [Grunts] Announcer: But his sphincter went into lockdown.
Ah! Announcer: Casper was forced to take things into his own hands.
Let's party.
[Grunting and groaning] Ah! Oh! Ah! Okay, almost got it.
Relax for a second.
Announcer: One last mighty tug - Ah! Pull it! - Relax! Ooh! Announcer: And Casper's Neo-Nazi party was over.
[Explosion] When the grenade exploded, it shattered into hundreds, if not thousands of metallic fragments, destroying everything in its path including major blood vessels, the vena cava, the aorta, the bladder, the rectum.
Shattering the bones of the pelvis, the flesh, destroying that, leading to our victim's rapid death.
Since the accomplice was standing so close to the explosion itself, the concussive blast also killed him instantly.
Announcer: Casper was a hater.
We are the master race.
Announcer: Darren was an idiot.
Ah! Announcer: When hatred meets stupidity Ah! Announcer: It always blows up in your [Explosion] Face.
Here's something to chew on.
On the world's most popular media-driven website, 24 hours of video is uploaded every minute.
Ah! [Laughs] Announcer: Margot and Diana contribute their share by shooting and uploading stupid prank videos.
They spend hours every week pranking each other They're so mean.
Announcer: And then uploading the results for everyone to laugh at.
Here it comes.
[Yelps] [Laughter] An Internet prank is basically a regular prank, but with one key difference and that's that somebody has actually videotaped it, uploaded it to the Internet.
Once it's up there, it's impossible to get rid of it, so you have to be really careful, 'cause they can be really embarrassing for the people involved and, you know, can ruin people's reputations in a lot of cases.
Announcer: On today's prank menu? Cream cheese.
Margot served it up disguised as deodorant.
What is this? Announcer: Margot's prank was funny Oh, my God! You bitch! Announcer: But Diana's plan for revenge crossed the line.
Look what I have.
Announcer: She got her mechanic boyfriend to set her up with an unexploded airbag, complete with a makeshift trigger.
All Diana had to do was trick Margot into sitting down and her roommate would get launched right into the prank video hall of fame.
Hey, Margot, look what I got.
What? It's a massage chair thing.
It's great.
Can relax after a long day.
This has "you" written all over it.
- Come on.
- No way.
- Uh-uh.
- Do it.
- No.
- Come on.
Get off! [Air hissing] [Thud] Oh, my God! Announcer: Oops.
An airbag inflates in only .
03 of a second.
For that brief moment, it exerts a force of 3,000 pounds.
Enough to send a 115-pound prankster over the railing.
When this woman fell on the back of her neck, she caused extensive damage to the cervical vertebra, severing her spinal cord.
When this occurred, she lost immediate motor and sensory function.
She went into immediate neurogenic shock.
Her vital organs ceased to function and she died instantly.
Announcer: In today's high-tech lingo, Margot and Diana were content providers.
[Laughter] Their lives were reduced to digital bits and bytes stored on a server.
But now, Diana's content is stored 6 feet underground Oh, God! Diana, no! Announcer: In her grave.
- No! Announcer: - Coming up A horny lifeguard goes down And Work it for daddy.
Announcer: A pervert gets some "sexercise.
" Ah! Announcer: Have you ever heard the expression, "big fish in a small pond"? Chlorine levels are low again.
Announcer: Say hello to Brandon.
Well, I'll get somebody right on that then.
Announcer: A one-time olympic diving hopeful A few failed drug tests found him washed up on the shores of this local muni pool.
We still need you to come to work, so get here.
Announcer: He hated his job as manager, hated his employees But it did have one perk.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Announcer: He got a lot of action from horny moms.
As a lifeguard, we tend to get hit on by single moms all the time.
It's kind of nice.
It's one of the perks.
We tend to call 'em "milfs," "gilfs," "cougs.
" If you're looking for that type of thing, I'd check out your local pool.
I mean, where the babies are swimming, there's got to be a milf around there.
Announcer: Brandon would lure divorcees and frustrated wives for after-hours pool dates.
No! Announcer: First, he would impress them with some total BS.
I can't wait for the next Olympics.
London 2012, I am so there.
Are you? Announcer: Then he would wow them with a few high dives.
And finally, the merman would get some tail.
- Tonight - Here we go.
Announcer: Brandon seemed more interested in showing off than getting off.
I'm getting cold a little bit.
Let's go inside.
One more dive.
Announcer: A lesson here, guys.
Never ignore the booty call.
Brandon plummeted at 32 feet per second and crashed headfirst at 30 miles her hour onto a skull-cracking chlorine floater.
When he was knocked unconscious, the laryngospasm reflex would have been triggered as soon as water entered the area of his vocal cords.
This would have closed up his airway and prevented any air or water from entering his lungs.
However, after 60 seconds, his reflex would have relaxed and he would have inhaled water.
This would cause hypoxia, cardiac arrest, and death within minutes.
Announcer: Brandon was a bitter almost-olympian Chlorine levels are low again.
Announcer: Who spent his time being a jerk Get here.
Announcer: And charming the local action out of their bikinis.
No! Announcer: Until one night, he scored a perfect 10 In the death dive.
No! Please! [Cheers and applause] Announcer: A hot summer day calls for a hot car wash And Stacy knew how to work a hose.
While Stacy and her boyfriend Jake were getting things nice and wet, their neighbor Chuck was perving out while working out, trying to carve some fat off his pudgy frame.
Whew! You know you want it.
Announcer: Chuck was a social zero.
Women would run, not walk, at the sight of him.
Work it for daddy.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Announcer: He was forced to get his kicks by spying.
[Chuckles] What a piece of Mmm! 75% of people work out at a gym, while 25% of people work out at home.
One reason why a person would decide to train at home rather than go to a personal training studio or a gym is simply because they are embarrassed of their current physique and they don't want to be seen in public training.
You could crack a nut with those thighs.
Whew! Announcer: Today, Chuck was so deep into his fantasy sex life Squirt the hose.
Squirt the hose.
[Chuckles] Announcer: He didn't notice the speed increasing on his treadmill.
Buns of steel.
Announcer: Chuck was about to reach the finish line when Oh, yeah! Announcer: His hoodie string got caught in the cup holder.
If it had snapped, he'd still be alive.
But it stretched out tight around his throat.
With the string of his sweat suit wrapped around his neck acting like a garrote, the weight of his body pulling it tight cut off his air supply through his trachea and cut even deeper into his carotid arteries, causing loss of air and blood, causing death.
Announcer: Chuck was a loser who took to spying to get off.
Look at that butt.
Announcer: But then he couldn't get off his treadmill Oh, yeah! Announcer: And got life's ultimate climax death.
Mexico has become the world's number one tourist attraction if you want to get killed in drug war crossfire.
$28 billion worth of illegal drugs are smuggled into the U.
S.
every year.
With that kind of money, it should be no surprise that a couple of knuckleheads would try and get in on the action.
Say hello to Ricardo and Jorge.
They're so dumb, they stole $8 million worth of blow from their drug Lord boss.
Vamonos! Announcer: And now they were on the run with the boss hot on their trail.
[Speaking spanish] Announcer: With nowhere else to hide, they jumped into some bushes hoping he would just drive on by.
And that's what would have happened Ah! Announcer: Except they landed in a clump of euphorbia tirucalli Otherwise known as firestick.
Ah! [Exclaims] The common name for euphorbia tirucalli is firestick plant because of its hot properties, if a person were to get it onto their skin, into their eyes, or ingest it into their mouth.
The fiery sensation is about 10,000 to 100,000 times stronger than that of chili peppers.
Announcer: The toxic sap caused such intense, blinding pain, it flushed the two bozos from their cover Making them easy targets for the drug Lord's enforcer.
[Speaking spanish] [Gunshots] Announcer: This is your life during a drug war.
This is your ass when you steal from your boss.
This is your death after you jump in a bush of firestick.
[Gunshot] Ah! Announcer: Adios, amigos! Up next, a stripper goes lights-out And [Grunts] Announcer: It's not so funny when the joke's on you.
Oh, my gosh! Announcer: Diamond Jacks is one of those hole-in-the-walls that specialized in strippers who can wrap themselves around a pole in ways you never dreamed of.
Whoo! [Applause] Announcer: And then there was Janelle Who for a little extra would give you your own special lap wrap.
Ahh! Going on stage is like advertising.
And so you pay attention to who is tipping you and who is responding to you.
People who are in big groups tend to not tip as much.
I tend to go for the guys that are by themselves.
And then you also look at who's getting more change from the bar, who has a big stack of ones in front of 'em, and then those will be the guys that you go and try to get a lap dance with.
Announcer: Janelle was so good at her job that she would leave you breathless and penniless.
Where's my money? I didn't take your money.
- What's up? Hey, man.
- Do not touch me.
Announcer: A fool and his money are soon parted Stay out! Announcer: Especially in this clip joint.
After counting her cash It's Janelle! Announcer: The curvy scam artist jumped into the cage and strapped herself in.
And with a new strobe system, she knew all eyes would be on her.
Her audience was mesmerized.
And so was Janelle.
The strobe was lighting up her neurons at 30 flashes a second and she was dancing like she never had before.
That's 'cause she was having a grand mal seizure.
In the visual cortex of the brain, where vision and light are processed, flickering from a strobe light, in this case, can cause a seizure.
When she had the seizure, the muscles of her jaw contracted, she bit down on her tongue, her tongue started to bleed profusely, she choked on her own tongue, and she died.
Announcer: Janelle knew how to shake it and shakedown.
But when the lights started flashing, she seized up.
And then it was lights out.
You want to meet two people easy to hate? [Knock on door] Trick or treat! Announcer: How about 2:00 A.
M.
trick or treaters? Hey, hey, hey.
Do you know what time it is? Announcer: Zack and Angela had taken a detour from a drunken Halloween party.
Come on, old man! What is he Oh, my.
- Let's get him.
- Yeah.
Announcer: Lucky for them, they'd brought along a bag of tricks.
The trick or treat phrase is a very American thing.
In Scotland and Ireland, they would go "guising," which was getting dressed up and going door to door for sweets.
Around the 1950s, teenagers of the United States took that trick side and ran with it.
Announcer: The two vandals started with TP-ing the property Go faster.
Announcer: Moved on to some malicious Jack-o'-lantern stomping - [Grunts] Announcer: And then covered the old man's house with aerosol string.
Aren't they cute? Angela scooped up the main ingredient for their specialty.
Let's see what Old Fido left for us.
Announcer: The old flaming bag of doggie poop trick.
- Whoa! - Zack! [Overlapping screaming] Oh, my God! [Screams] Ah! Ah! Ah! Open the door! Open it! What primarily makes string flammable is actually the mixture of solvents.
The organic solvents that are mixed in are serving to really prevent the string from polymerizing until it's launched out of the canister.
Since he was freshly covered, the string would still be wet with this flammable solvent and he'd catch on fire.
Announcer: To make things worse, Zack's skeleton costume was made out of polyester, which is highly flammable and burns hotter than any other fabric.
He was engulfed in flames in a matter of seconds and burned to death soon after.
Zack and Angela got their yuks at others' expense.
[Grunts] Announcer: Didn't they know tricks are for anyone under the age of 16? Oh, yeah! Announcer: In other words - Whoa! - Oh, my God! Ah! Announcer: Kids.
Help! Open the door!