15 Storeys High (2002) s02e01 Episode Script

Vince the Shirker

1 One, two, three, tap.
OK, so let's march step forward to the 7V One, two, three, tap, and back.
And again.
And back.
Let's do it two more times.
One last time, should be getting it now.
(Woman, laughs) I'm worn out already.
(Man) Here we go - one, two, three, tap.
Right up, that's it.
And again.
Tap.
Nice (Continues, muffled) Starting to fee! relaxed? Yeah? Really calming down.
Breathe in.
(Muffled) Come on then, here we go.
And tap.
And take it back Then we're gonna march on the spot right here.
You might remember this from the last video.
Errol? So step forward, and halt.
It goes one, two, and hold.
One, two and hold.
- Who's that? - Melinda.
And this is Virgil.
- What's going on? - Melinda's video's broken down and she's a bit fat after the baby, so I said she could use ours.
Ooh-oo! - How Long have you known her? - About half an hour.
I was going round the block getting sponsors and we just got chatting.
One more - She could be a nutter.
- No, she's a single mum.
There's usually a good reason why they're single.
And again - here we go, three taps.
- Will you sponsor me? - No.
- It's for sick kids.
- Good.
Let's go - one, two, three tap, arms up.
Hurry Take it back.
One last time.
Here we go.
Drop and tap.
You haven't fed him any of that egg-fried rice, have you? The rice - it bungs 'em up, it gives 'em cramps.
Jesus Christ, I'll have to check the bedding.
Ryan? Jesus Christ! He's escaped! She says thanks very much for lending the video.
See? I can be nice.
I wouldn't call it nice.
All right, not nice.
It was accurate.
Hm.
She was in tears.
That was sweat.
Anyway, you can't dance round a stranger's house in your pants and not expect a few comments.
Ryancomes out the cage.
What's the first thing he needs? Warmth.
The sofa.
Jesus Christ, he's in the sofa! Move! Move! He-He-He's gone down the back of the sofa! I'm going in! Hang on a minuteI'm coming, Ryan! He's gone down the back of the He's Hold on a minute.
Jesus Christ.
Hold on a minute, there's no opening.
Jesus Christ, who made this pile of shit? They've sealed the whole lot in! Hold on a minute.
He's probably gone in the mainframe.
Right, get off the sofa.
Move off, I'm goin' in.
(Straining) Hold on, I'll move it Su Lu, move off the sofa.
The sofa.
Off.
Sofa.
Sofa.
I've got to get Ah, it's like talking to a brick wall.
Move off the sofa! Oh! That's tightgot to get there.
Don't have a go at me, this was all your fault.
- What did I do? - You said, "yeah" when the correct answer was "eh-eh".
No.
Well, I don't like saying no.
Well, you should learn.
You should learn that the only time you need to say "yes" is at the airport when they say, "Did you pack these bags yourself?" The rest of the time it's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Gasps) Hang on a minute.
I'm comin', Ryan! I'm coming! (Grunts) Hold on a minute.
Unpick that - unpick the stitching Right, that's worked loose.
You should be able to get out of that.
Su Lu, you bang the other end.
Bang the armrest! I'll get him as he comes out.
I've got it covered.
Bang the armrest.
Get the tambourine.
That's it! The tambourine! That's it, good.
Now, bang the tambourine.
The tamb Bang-bang! Bang-bang! No, not the Jesus Christ! Not there, on the side of the Look ok, like this.
You bang the end, and we'll chase Ryan out the back, like that.
Barn barn! (Squeaking) Jesus Christ.
He's made a run for it! Who was covering the other end?! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Thanks, Malik.
It's for the children's hospital.
We need money for security guards and a new barrier for the car park.
I love to help the children.
Now you do me a favour.
- Two air freshener, please.
- You bought two yesterday.
In my country they only sell.
the spray.
Hey, hey, left a bit.
Left a bit! Up a bit.
Yeah, them two.
(Chuckles) I love this country.
Sun newspaper, Channel 5, The Boat Show, titties everywhere! (Laughs) I can't believe anyone could do that.
Yeah.
Huge, isn't it? - I meant in the pool - Oh.
But It lsbig.
It's magnified by the water.
Once you get down there you'll see.
I'm not going - I did it last time.
- It turned out it was a coconut.
- Wasn't my fault.
- Well, I'm not doing it.
- Neither am I.
We'll.
just have to leave It then.
- We could, couldn't we? - What, pretend we haven't seen it? Yeah.
OK.
You stay here and I'll go down that end.
No, I'll go down the shallow end.
Oh, cos Stacey's here, isn't it? No, she's not I didn't even see her.
I justfancied going down there for a change.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What? - Yeah, go on, go on.
- You're pathetic.
I need a part for an Alfa Romeo.
Do you do Alfa parts? Yeah.
Fantastic-o.
I've been looking all over.
Nobody does Alfa parts round here.
- Don't they? - No, it's a nightmare.
Look, I need an XD14O thrust washer.
You got one? Yeah.
You got it here? - Yeah.
- You're a star, mate.
Little place like this, I bet you've got a spare set of wings for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Yeah.
- I know someone who'd enjoy your classes.
- Send her along.
I warn you, she can't take a joke.
Is it your girlfriend? No.
No way.
(Chuckles nervously) No.
I can't really see you with a girl.
Or a bloke.
- What do you mean? - You're a bit funny.
One of the girls said you're creepy, but I said, "No, he's all right, just a bit weird.
" What? W-Weird? WhatWhat sort of? Ooh-ooh-ooh! - What's he doing? - Idiot.
He's funny.
Oh, I was gonna ask you - what are you doing tomorrow night? Oh, nothing.
Why, you, er, thinking of? No.
No, no, no, it's Darren's birthday and we thought it'd be a Laugh if only one of us turns up at the pub and he thinks he's got to spend all night with you, and you go for a meal and we're all at the restaurant.
Ooh-ooh! (Stacey laughs) Such an arsehole.
You don't wanna do it? No, I'll do it.
I'm having trouble finding the XD14O thrust washer! You will do, you will have trouble - we ain't got any.
(Customer) Hello! Oh, no, I've told the bloke that we had some! - Well, go and tell him we ain't.
- I don't like doing that.
Maybe I can go and pick some up in the van? The best part of this job is telling some jumped-up prick we ain't got the part for his poxy motor.
- You'll make more money.
- They cost 32p.
- Oh.
- Do I Look like I need 32p? (sighs) You took your time.
You got it? Yeah.
Where is it? - You've actually got it here in this building? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, mate, don't piss me about.
You have got it, haven't you? Yeah, er Do you need any air fresheners? - No.
- Very popular.
- Where is it? - Would you like to sponsor me? - No! - It's for sick kids.
- They need a security guard - I need the part.
(Errol screams, thud) Oi! Batty man! Oi-oi! Come here! Oi! I'll have you! Here, mate - hold that for a minute.
- Oi! - ButI'm going the other (Ice cream van plays tune) OK.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, OK, great.
Yeah, bye.
- What have you said "yeah" to now? - Nothing.
- Does It affect me? - Not very much.
I was in casualty and I met this really nice old couple who sponsored me and I - What you doing? - 11:71.
Three.
Vince, it's all right, I just Hello.
Hello, it's Errol's flatmate here.
The Chinese fella.
No, not really.
Look, whatever he just said "yes" to, the answer is now "no", OK? It's changed.
It was "yes", it's now "no".
It's different, you understand? Good.
OK, bye.
You shouldn't have done that.
Where's he gonna keep all his cactuses? His wife's going blind, she keeps bumping into them.
That's why they were in casualty.
(Sighs) Firstly, the plural of cactus is not cactuses it's cactises.
Cactises.
Secondly, you've got to learn to say "no" to people.
- They're taking the piss.
- Some of his cactuses were 8O years old.
It's cactises! Cactises All right, cactises.
He's been collecting 'em since he was a boy.
- (Sighs) - They're nice people! And I think I pay rent here.
I'm only just helping out.
They're just some plants.
He had a snake, I said "no" to that.
(Buzzer) - HI, Chloe.
- Oh, hello.
I forgot to tell you the restaurant for Darren's birthday.
- Oh.
- 8:30.
I'm really excited, are you? Darren's gonna be gobsmacked, isn't he? How did you get my address? - From the office.
- Well, who told you? I Looked in your file.
Sony.
- Why just ask one of the other? - Nobody knows.
When I saw your file, I couldn't help reading a bit.
What does it say? Cos Darren saw it first.
I never saw it, he said, "Look at that.
" I said, "You clear ityou saw it.
" It was his turn.
I did it last time.
He should've You know what he's like.
Cos it was big.
Somebody shoutd've sorted that out.
No, it was your medical records.
Ohh Phew.
You've only got onetesticle.
What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It's terrible.
I won't tell anyone, cos my dad had one removed.
I bet that hurt.
Ohh! Sod that for a game of soldiers.
No, I was born like this.
I can see now why you're like you are.
Must make you very defensive.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, it does, because, well people don't understand.
You know? It's so hard to find someone to just talk to about it.
- It's very hard.
- Well, if you ever need to talk.
What, aboutabout that? Yeah, and anything else.
- All right, we'll go out for a drink sometime.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see if there's space in my diary.
- OK.
- Plenty of space in my pants Ahem.
See you tomorrow.
Keeps moving my mat over there.
Prick.
Well, he's See-See you tomorrow.
Mm.
Oh, all right then.
Take care.
Yeah.
Bye.
- Jean? - Yeah.
- Dog's dead? - No.
- Her veins are playing up? - No.
- She's lost her pension book? - No.
- Frank's dead? - Yeah.
Are you sure? You're really? I mean, the word "cacti", that sounds like one.
It All right, all right, calm down, yeah.
Yes, well, yeah, OK, bring 'em round whenever you want.
Yeah, that's fine.
Bye.
Thanks, Vince.
And you're right, I really should say "no" to people.
And, you know, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
After the swim-a-thon.
- You can't swim.
- I know.
Can I borrow some trunks? Can I have that middle one, please.
(Chuckles) In this country, do they make peanuts for homosexual? - I don't think so.
- (Chuckles) Good.
- All right, Darren? - Hooray! All right? Yeah - lot of hassle.
Someone's nicked the temporary bus stop sign.
The bus went straight past, people milling about - it's like Glastonbury/ out there.
Ahh.
Happy birthday.
Yeah, do you want a drink? No, Let's get something to eat.
Where ls everyone? I don't think they're turning up.
I'm Late, and I bothered.
It's just me and you.
Well, I've got a pint, you know, give it a couple of minutes.
All right.
- Come on, they're not coming.
- They might.
They're not.
Well, they said they're not.
“ Who? ' Everybody, S1111; - Mm.
- Well.
.
give it a couple more minutes anyway.
- Come on, Let's get something to eat.
- What do you want, a cum]? - No, I fancy Italian.
- What about a really hot cum]? - I said I fancy Italian.
- I want something spicy.
- I want something cheesy.
- I don't like pasta.
- I don't like rice.
- It's my birthday.
- I'm the only one who turned up.
- We'll have Italian then.
- Right.
- Good.
Wanna know a good restaurant? Try that Chinese down the road.
- Blindin', it is.
- You want good food? You go to my brother's restaurant.
Tell them you Mehmet's friend, you get free drinks.
They have belly dancers.
- We're having Italian.
- Free drinks, belly dancers, you know If we don't have Italian, I'm going home.
That's it.
- All right, we'll have Italian.
- Right.
- I'm just going to the toilet.
- Oh! All right, Tom? Do us a Lager, will you, mate? Ronnie been in? OI - you, innit? - You nicked my coat! - No, I left it Didn't you get it? - It was in the restaurant.
- You what?! Oi! Hey, get back 'ere! It's in the restaurant! 0l! - Still not here yet? - Nah.
Look, mate, it's in the Oh fuck! Oh, fuck! - Can we order starters? I'm starving.
- They'll.
be here soon.
- I bet Vince has messed it all up.
- There's a lot about Vince you don't know.
ls there bollocks! (Vince) Never caught those kids, did you? (Man) Oi! How Long ago did he leave? And the other one? Right, thanks very much.
Pardon? I don't talk to strangers about my breasts! (Panting) - Well, thanks a Lot.
Thanks a Lot.
- Where you been? I went everywhere looking for you.
What did you leave me In the pub for? What? I come out of the toilet and you'd gone.
I thought I was on me own.
I waited for you in the pub.
And then I went in the toilets looking for you - you weren't there.
Where'd you go? Were you so desperate for a curry you went out the window? - No, I didn't - I'm the only one here on your birthday and you leave me in the pub.
- Sony, mate, I just thought you'd gone.
- Hm.
Well, Let's go and have Italian.
Come on.
Well, I've got a curry now.
Have a cum].
- No, they're disgusting.
- No, it's lovely.
(sighs) - Come on.
- What was that? The reason we have to have Italian, Stacey has organised a surprise birthday party for you.
- Really? - She doesn't fancy you.
The surprise element's gone but we can have a good time.
Come on.
Why didn't you tell me that before you licked my dinner? (Sighs) I was being crafty.
It didn't work out.
Come on.
I shouldn't have got this, I should've got that.
I can't believe he'd do that, just let us down.
You all right? - (Laughs) - Nutter! What was you saying? Oh, about Vince.
I can't believe he'd let us down.
Just like my dad.
- He's only got one bollock, as well.
- (Laughs) Rightit's a big surprise.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't let me down.
Coat's in the restaurant! Hey? @]=©UU (All cheering) Wow! What a surprise! This is amazing! I'm really surprised.
He told you, didn't he? Yes.
- Knob! - (Woman) Ohh! He wanted a cum]! (# All singing Colonel Bogey) Since you been gone, since you been gone La-la-la la-la la-la La-la la-la Oh, yeah.
Yeah, very good.
Because I'm missin' ball.
Get it? Missin' ball? - Mm-hm.
- Oh, I got one, I got one! I am the one and only You can't take that away from me (Man) Rick Astley! (2nd man) It wasn't Rick Astley.
Like a bat outta hell I'll be gone when the morning comes - Meat Loaf! - Meat Loaf.
I got one.
# You took the words right out of my mouth Must've been when you were kissing me - That doesn't make sense.
- It's Meat Loaf.
We're singing Meat Loaf songs.
We're singing songs about me having one testicle.
- Are we? - (Man) I got one.
The first time Ever I saw your - Bollock.
- (Laughter) Stop it! You're all being really horrible.
- Ooh! - Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
This is a disgraceful way to treat a man with one testicle.
Do you know what it's like to have one testicle? Do you? Any of you? Do you know what it's like to have one testicle? Do you? You don't, do you? No.
No.
Neither do I.
I haven't got one.
I've got two.
I haven't got one, I've got two.
Two testicles, me.
Two, not one.
Two.
Yeah? So sing some songs about that.
- # Two Little boys had two Little toys # - Oh What do you mean, you've got two? I thought you'd be pleased.
Why would you lie? Well, I've never done any travelling, haven't got any hobbies.
On paper my life looks dull.
I've been to Holland once - Rotterdam.
- # It takes two, # - I told you about my dad and everything.
- # “just me and you # - I bet you don't wanna go for a drink now.
No, you're too weird.
What? I'm weird? Oh, yeah, I'm the weird one.
I'm the weird one, yeah.
"Oh, Vince, I don't like you, you've got two testicles.
"Ooh, that's better, now you've got one.
Let's go and have sex.
"Ugh! You've got one again! Ugh, go away!" Yeah, I'm weird.
I'm the weird one, yeah.
It's not like that.
Why would you want people to think you had one when you had two? I was being crafty, you know.
It didn't work out.
Come on.
Come What's the matter? You got an Aquaerobics exam? Suit yourself.
(Banging) Oi! I know you move my mat! Yeah? I know it's you.
Prick! Ah! Ow! Bollocks! Ah-ha! Ohh, what's? Ow! Shit! Who the fuck?! What? Ow! I've got to get up early for work.
Yeah, me too.
- We're having a nice time, aren't we? - Yeah.
Relax, we don't have to do anything.
I've got a bottle of champagne in the fridge.
No, I really have to go.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
I better call you a cab.
- Mm-hm - (Phone) Ah Oh Ohh Ohoh Errol! You going to the swim-a-thon? (Errol) No! Oh, good.
You finally had the courage to be negative.
No, I can't get out of bed! Can you help me? Huh! What do you think the answer to that is? (Vince on answerphone) It's me I think we got off on Look, one of us needs to apologise and I don't think Hold on, I can't awake fills {five written It down.
I'll call you back.
- (Beep) - Most blokes have got two, what's your' Why don't you go and sleep with your dad? This isn't a phone call I will regret in the morning.
- (Beep) - Get your motor running, whoo! - (Slurring) Head out on the highway - (Beep) All right, Stacey.
Great night, see you at work.
Babe